The Book Of Jude

Chapter Five: Your Winter

`What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry , but for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only know how much I love you, love you
I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven´

Sister Hazel, Your Winter

"Morning, Love." Jude looked up from the paper to see Rhys dressed in boxer shorts and a t-shirt with his hair standing on end, smiling at her. She returned his smile as he placed a quick kiss on the top of her head. "Did you sleep well last night?" he asked, giving her an appraising glance as he gathered two mugs and the coffee pot.

"Actually, yes," she lied. At two that morning, she´d awoken from a violent dream just as she had every night before that. Wanting to avoid any subject having to do with her past and the secrets she kept hidden from Rhys, she skirted this question every morning, hoping that he would finally give up. She sensed that his patience with her was becoming a little stretched. Over a year ago, when she had finally given into him and give a romantic relationship with him a chance, he´d told her that he would let her decide when she would trust him with her secret. However, as time passed, he seemed to become more frustrated and impatient around her. She didn´t blame him--he´d spent over a year in a serious relationship with his best friend knowing that she was hiding something.

"That´s great, Love." Taking the paper, which she had dropped to take a sip of her coffee, Rhys began to leaf distractedly through the pages. After several minutes in silence, he set down the paper and drained his cup, then announced to Jude that he was going to take a shower. Reaching across the table they had been sitting at, she retrieved her stolen paper. He kissed her shortly before leaving the room.

Things really weren´t working out between them--they hadn´t been for a while. Jude was surprised that they had managed to date for over a year with this kind of tension between them, tension that she´d created. Knowing that this just wasn´t fair to Rhys, she decided that she needed to tell him everything, or end the relationship--both avenues, however, may cost her the best friend she´d ever had. When she had come to a final conclusion, she got up from the table, cleaned up the dishes and put the paper away, then grabbed her bag and headed for the door. She planned to trust Rhys and to tell him everything that night.

***

Rhys climbed the stairs to his room, pulling his shirt off over his head before he got to the door. Walking into the room, he removed the rest of his clothing and headed for the shower. He turned on the water and let it run down his face as his mind picked over some things that had been bothering him lately.

When he started dating Jude, they had both seemed relieved that they didn´t have to keep their distance from each other anymore. Things had started off great--it was like it had been when they first became good friends--hanging out at the pub and just spending time together. But it had become tense between them again. He knew he was becoming less tolerant of the fact that she refused to trust him--even though he had not told her everything about himself, either.

"That´s beside the point, though," he reasoned with himself. "That has nothing to do with who I am now and it will just complicate things further." His secret had never created a problem for them. Jude, however, seemed terrified to face anything from her past. He knew she was still waking up in the middle of the night from haunting dreams that he doubted would ever stop. Yet, she´d lied to him about it--she didn´t trust him with this part of her life and didn´t want his help dealing with it. He sighed and wiped the water from his eyes. He had to let her tell him on her own. If he pushed her, he feared he might lose her, and that he was not willing to risk.

He stepped from the shower and grabbed the towel lying on the floor. Dripping, he walked into his room. The summer sun was peeking through the window, making it a little warmer in the room than he would prefer. He pushed the window open and was greeted by the morning breeze and the sounds from the street. Heading back to the other side of the room to retrieve some clothes, he was startled by a screech that sounded like it had come from a large bird of prey. He swung around to face the window and was surprised to see a large, brown owl, puffed up with a self-important air. It was clasping a letter in its talons.

***

"Hullo, Rhys, Hullo Darcy." Jude walked through the door of the bakery after having been gone for the better part of the morning. She ruffled the thick fur of the dog that had come to greet her and leaned over the counter to peck Rhys on the cheek.

"Hullo, Love. Glad you´re back," Rhys replied as he removed the apron he´d been wearing. "Don´t tell me, you failed every class and you have to leave the school in shame." He smiled and watched her throw her bag on the floor as she collapsed into a chair, exhausted from having made record time getting to the bakery from the Senate house before Rhys´ first class started. She had been to the school to check her grades for the year--her third year at Cambridge.

"No, actually.Just the opposite." Her three years at the university had been a breeze. Her classes were interesting as well as challenging, but not anything that she couldn´t handle. The summer had once again come too quickly for her liking, and for the next three or so months she would have to find other things to occupy her time.

"That´s my girl," Rhys exclaimed as he disappeared into the back of the store to grab a package he meant to deliver on his way to class.

"Is Adda gone, then?" she asked when he reappeared with the parcel in one hand and his bag flung over one shoulder.

"Yeah, you don´t mind watching the store alone, do you?" He grabbed a cookie and stuck it in his mouth, then grabbed his coffee off of the counter, obviously in a hurry. Jude hoped she hadn´t made him late.

"´Course I don´t mind," she replied, taking the coffee from his hand as he attempted to shuffle the items he was juggling. She took a sip and winced--he always ruined his coffee by adding too much sugar, while she preferred black and unsweetened. She took another drink despite herself as he set down the box and reached into his pocket.

"I almost forgot." He produced a vanilla hued parchment envelope with official, yet elegant script. Jude was paying little attention to what he was doing, as she was still paying Darcy her affections. "You got an owl this morning." He tossed the envelope on the table in front of her.

At the word "owl," Jude´s eyes flew open wide and she saw an envelope tossed in front of her. She sputtered on the coffee she had just sipped and turned to look at Rhys with a terrified expression on her face. He couldn´t have just said what she thought he´d said,could he? He couldn´t be serious! He was...laughing? She was amazed. Why would he be laughing? And why had he delivered her a message sent to him by mistake from an owl, like it was a common occurrence?

Rhys couldn´t help but laugh as Jude choked on her coffee at the sight of the letter, then turned white as a ghost, looking up at him in horror. "Yes, Love. I know what this means--you´re a witch. At first, I thought it was for me. But I couldn´t think of a single soul who´d send me an owl--my grandfather, the only link I´ve had to the wizarding world since my parents were killed, has been dead for years. Plus, it´s addressed to you. How´s that for detective work?" He smiled, obviously pleased with himself for his discovery. "You don´t have anything to worry about, Love," he tried to reassure her--she still looked stunned. "I´m a wizard, you´re a witch--probably the only two in all of Cambridge--hell, probably all of England--who are living as Muggles. And we´ve been living together for three years and neither of us knew it." To his surprise, she looked a little relieved, but still shocked. He looked at his watch. Damn it! He was late. "Look, Love, we´ll talk about this later, okay? I´ve got to go." He waited for her to say something, anything.

"Sure," she stammered. He kissed her on the forehead and reclaimed his coffee from her grasp. "Tonight?"She was still struggling to make sense of everything that had just happened and she wanted answers--soon.

"Yeah." Then, he remembered that he had promised to play that night. "Bugger, I forgot. I promised Gabe I´d play at his place tonight. Do you want to meet me there?" he asked, hoping that she would agree--there was so much he wanted to know about her now that her secret had been unwittingly revealed. Maybe she would allow him to help her with what ever it was that tormented her constantly. "We could talk after I´m done."

"Yeah, that sounds good." She stared at the letter knowing that her little world had been broken. She had run for three years, but her past had found her. The question was how much of the damage caused by this letter could be repaired and how much was forever changed?

Rhys gathered his things once again and headed for the door. As he opened it, letting in the bustling sounds from the street, he turned to look at Jude. She looked okay--all things considered. He felt a little guilty for springing this on her, but she was tough and would recover soon, he had no doubt. Before he left, he reminded her to open the letter. "It´s from the Ministry. Looks important." To his relief she smiled a little at that.

***

When Rhys had gone, Jude grabbed the letter and ripped open the green wax seal. She pulled out a single sheet of parchment filled with tidy lines of writing. She already detested the Ministry of Magic and this letter caused the loathing to run deeper still. She sighed and looked around the store. It was empty. With nothing better to do and out of sheer curiosity she read:

Ms. Elliot:

This letter is to inform you that the Ministry´s Department of the Mysteries has spent the last three years locating your current whereabouts. Please forgive the intrusion into your personal affairs, but you must understand that a person of your background and of your abilities poses a certain risk to our ministry, specifically, and our society in general. Your disappearance from the magical community was a great cause for concern and a sizeable security risk.

The Department of the Mysteries, as you might notice, has been successful in their task and is aware of your current location attending the university at Cambridge. We also know that you have been employed these last three years by Adda Willis at her bakery on Elm and Eden Street, which also serves as your residence. The Ministry wishes to respect your decision to live without magic. However, in the interest of security, we must ask you to notify us of any change in residence, occupation, etc. Failure to notify the Ministry of any change will result in the appropriate legal action.

You will be monitored by agents from the Department of the Mysteries, effective immediately. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, but we assure you that this action is absolutely necessary to ensure the safety of all.

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic

Jude tossed the letter onto the table indignantly. Why didn´t the Ministry just come right out and say that they didn´t trust her any farther than they could throw her? She could imagine the spooks from the Department of the Mysteries, the Ministry´s own CIA, looking under every rock and in every dark hole for a dangerous villain plotting the end of the world.

"Just think of how surprised they must have been when they found who they were looking for living as a Muggle, not giving a fuck what the Ministry was up to and not hatching any sinister plans. No, they found terrifying little Jude serving croissants and coffee." She had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. She´d spent her life proving herself--her loyalty to the Ministry. But her words and actions had never been enough. She would forever be suspect and they´d always be keeping an eye on her. Maybe someday that would all change, but today was not that day.

They´d been watching her--probably even at this very moment. Despite herself, she glanced out the pristine windows of the little shop. The streets were clear--no one in sight. She hated the fact that people now knew what she was up to at all times--not that she was ever "up to" anything. It was just another testament to the fact that no matter what she did, people would always suspect her of being in league with the enemy. "It would serve the goons right if I just packed up and skipped town. They´re good at tracking, but I´ll bet I´m better at hiding." She smiled. They probably expected that scenario to be her reaction, and therefore sent her this letter. The Ministry had been itching to put her away in Azkaban since she was ten. They would love for her to give them a reason to do so.

The tinkling of the small bell above the door announcing the arrival of a customer startled her from her thoughts. She turned to see an elderly gentleman and a little girl walk through the door. She greeted the customers and got up from her chair. She met them at the counter and served the man tea and a fresh cinnamon scone and gave the little girl a chocolate chip cookie. As they thanked her and left the store, a dark-haired man in a plain black suit entered. He could have been anyone, or no one. Jude could not, however, resist an extra close look at the gentleman, trying to determine if he was one of the hounds the Ministry had set on her. After the man left with his purchase, she slammed her fists down on the counter. Damn them! Now she would be looking over her shoulder for as long as she knew they were watching--and the last thing she wanted was to let them push her into paranoia. She slumped into a chair and rested her head in her hands. This day couldn´t possibly get any worse, she figured. The letter caught her eye and she quickly seized it. Glancing at its contents one last time, she snapped her fingers and the parchment was consumed in bright orange flames.

***

Rhys was performing at their pub, The Free Press, just down the block. Jude had stayed with Adda to see the last customers to the door and then helped with cleaning the shop. Adda had noticed her foul mood when she came back in the afternoon. Jude, however, was unwilling to talk about it and she had left it at that. Jude was grateful that Adda had not pressed the subject further.

After Adda had gone to bed, Jude gathered Darcy and headed for the local to meet Rhys. It was now ten o´clock and he´d be nearly finished by the time she got there. As she pushed open the door and let Darcy walk in before her, she looked up to the small stage. He was in the middle of another one of his creatively innovative numbers. He noticed Jude as she found her usual booth, and when she looked up again, he winked at her and gave her his most charming smile. She smiled back. Somehow Rhys could make her feel as if, despite anything, things would be okay as long as he was there.

With a mug of her favorite ale in hand, she settled in to watch Rhys finish his last set. Her head rested on the back of her seat as she listened, letting all of the tension that had been building since that morning drain from her body. Rhys´s voice summoned her back from her respite as he announced the next song.

"And for the last song, Witchcraft by the devilishly talented Frank Sinatra. This is for Jude, my love."

She laughed a little at this, even though it was terribly mortifying every time he singled her out or dedicated a song to her at a performance. Still, she appreciated the gesture--it was cute, really. And, she had to admit, he had a great sense of humor.

It´s such an ancient pitch

But one I wouldn´t switch

`Cause there´s no nicer witch than you

Rhys took a seat in the cozy booth next to Jude, bringing with him another round of drinks. Jude snuggled into him as he wrapped an arm around her. His presence was comforting.

"How was your day, Love?" He broke the short silence between them.

"Good, after I recovered from the initial shock," she joked. "How was yours? How was the test? Did you get to your class on time?"

"I was a few minutes late, but it didn´t matter. Professor Langley was in a generous mood today, which is surprising because he´s usually a complete asshole. Maybe it was the joy of knowing that half the class would fail his completely useless exam. By the way, I´m pretty sure now that I missed a question."

"So, I guess, congratulations?" She smiled at him. He was always so hard on himself when it came to this kind of thing.

He laughed and took a drink. "Well, let´s move on, shall we? Now that both of our secrets are out in the open, will you finally talk to me?" She looked a little guilty for having kept so much from him, he could tell. He tried to make her feel a little better. "Hey, I kept just as much hidden about myself as you did. We´re even, okay?" She nodded, but kept silent. Now that she knew he was a wizard, she thought that it might be easier to tell him about her involvement with Lord Voldemort--she was only a child and had no one else, after all--and he might understand that she had little choice under the circumstances. But she wanted him to speak first--to see where he was coming from.

"I´ll start, then, I guess." He didn´t really want to dredge up the past, but he had to now whether he wanted to or not. "My dad, Rufus Mallory, was a wizard and my mum, Lillith, was a Muggle. I was raised around magic--my mum allowed my dad to teach me a few things and, when I began to show the same abilities, she agreed to allow me to go to school and learn magic when I was old enough. My dad worked for the Ministry in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement--exactly what he did, I don´t remember, though. One night while I was visiting my grandfather--my dad´s father, who was also a wizard--both of my parents were killed." He inhaled deeply and ran a hand over his eyes. Jude could tell that this was tough for him to talk about. She rested her head on his shoulder and put her hand in his just to let him know that she was there for him. This gave him the courage to press on. "A man who my father had been helping the Ministry to capture broke in and murdered them--he´d hunted down others like my father and murdered their families as well, he and his followers."

Jude swallowed hard. It couldn´t possibly be...could it? "Do you remember his name?" She squeezed his hand, almost willing him not to say the name that she feared would follow.

"Lord Voldemort," he intoned somberly, "a dark wizard. Anyway, after my parents´ deaths, I lived with my grandfather, who decided that it would be best if we left all traces of magic behind us. That is how I came to be a wizard masquerading as a Muggle." He´d ended his story and waited for Jude to relate the events of how she too had fled the magical community, but she was lost in thought so he focused his attention on draining his beer, hoping to drown the pain of his childhood in the cool, dark liquid.

The name he´d spoken had ripped her from reality and sent her into a spinning world of warring thoughts. Her mind was racing. He would never understand if she told him that she was once among the ranks of the people responsible for the murder of his parents--that she was the protégé of that very same dark wizard his father had pursued. She did what she had to--she lied to him. Well, not so much lying--more like telling only half of the story. He seemed satisfied with her story and didn´t press her for further details. It hurt to keep more from him, when he thought that was all behind them. But she had no choice--she couldn´t tell him--that meant losing him forever. The past was irrelevant--that wasn´t the person she was anymore--that Jude was dead. She´d died when she´d killed that innocent father and husband. The past should be allowed to die along with her, shouldn´t it? The only link to that past was the hideous mark on her wrist that condemned her to those memories irrevocably. She´d kept it hidden under a wide silver band ever since she´d let her secret slip to Sabine MacDermod during her second year in school. And as long as she didn´t make that mistake again, she would be safe. But how long could she keep something like this hidden. As long as she had to, she reasoned willfully, biting back any warring logic that threatened to topple the plan that was to be her saving grace in the storm she now felt was raging without mercy all around her.