Summoned

Chapter 21: Lily

"...we never use Transfiguration as a punishment!"

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

July 26, 1995, afternoon - evening

After the meeting was technically over, Molly remained in the room entertaining the others with her lack of magical ability: the laughter her abortive antics brought about was strained at best, Severus thought. He did not remain to watch the effects of his potion: he'd seen the results often enough in situations that were hardly entertaining - except to the Dark Lord.

"Minerva, Severus," Dumbledore said, catching up with them in the hallway. "I'll meet with you in my office when we return. - I need to have a few words with - I'll be along shortly," he said.

"The password for the gargoyle?" Severus asked.

"Oh. - Ginger snaps," he whispered, and winked at Minerva. Severus realized there was a joke involved, especially since a plate of those biscuits had been on the table tonight, but he didn't get it.

Dumbledore turned back to the room where Sirius and Remus were half-watching Molly try to levitate Arthur's wand, and half-talking between themselves.

"It's about time!" Professor McGonagall said, watching Dumbledore head directly for Black.

"What is that, Professor?" he asked his mind not really on the situation around him. He was working at stilling dread and guilt that were rising inside him.

"Sirius has been out of line since before you started attending these meetings," she said, placing her hand under his arm and steering him out of the building and into the warm night air. "It's about time Dumbledore said something to him about it."

"I thought he dealt with it sufficiently at the meeting." He pulled his cloak over his shoulders.

"Well, I for one think Sirius needs to stop undermining you every chance he gets. He's undermining Dumbledore as well by doing that. We won't have any strength if we are divided that way. We can't afford it!"

He agreed with her point, but wasn't happy that he was the focus of the group's discord. There was, however, nothing to be done for it. Had he been the happy-go-lucky person Black enjoyed cavorting with, he would never have been in the position he was in now to aid the Order as a spy.

Or to protect Lily's son.

On the other hand, Lily would still be alive if he hadn't... "Ready?" he asked as they reached the sidewalk and checked for Muggles.

She nodded, and together, brooms clasped and wands out, they Disapparated.

Once in Hogsmeade, they flew back to the castle and separated. They each changed out of their traveling clothes, stashed their brooms, and returned at nearly the same second to the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office.

Once inside, Professor McGonagall opened the windows to let in the warm night air. Severus summoned up some tea and butterbeer and they sat in the antechamber waiting.

"I would expect that you might have some questions," he finally opened, after she had helped herself to one of the butterbeers.

She gave him a lingering look and said, without so much sternness in her voice, "I would think you might, also."

He felt his stomach tighten and he shook his head. She continued to look at him. "Actually, there's something I need to tell you."

He waited, quite aware already that it wouldn't be something he'd like to hear.

"Tom Riddle and I were students here at the same time. He was a year behind me."

He felt as sick as he had when he'd taken the Blood-Letting Potion. Why had he not realized that before now?

"We -" She glanced at her hands, folded demurely in her lap. "He was very bold. He even - well, he wanted to go out with me. I couldn't - We didn't get along," she said finally. "There were - well, I never trusted him and - after we left Hogwarts, of course..." She licked her lips and then looked back at him. "I never saw him again after I graduated."

At that moment, the door opened and Dumbledore stepped in, shooting each of them a pale grin before taking off his traveling cloak and putting it over the chair behind his desk. "No candies?" he asked, looking at the drinks. "No chocolate? My, my!"

"I thought you would order your chocolate when you arrived," Severus said smoothly, though he'd really never thought of it. "So it would be hot."

Dumbledore chuckled and his blue eyes gave Severus a small twinkle. "You just didn't think of it!"

Severus looked away. The increasing sense of doom was growing by the second in his gut and he wasn't in the mood for a bit of jolly repartee!

"We were just discussing our plans," Minerva said to Dumbledore, and shot Severus a quick look to keep him from contradicting her.

Dumbledore took a seat with them, summoned his hot cocoa, and sipped it contentedly. "Did you tell him, Minerva?"

She looked defeated. "Yes." With a stronger voice, she said, "Now, Severus, how do you plan to carry this out?"

He glared at her: the idea of having her as his 'victim' was no longer something he felt at all confident about. "Perhaps it would not be a good idea -"

"You made a compelling point in the meeting, Severus," McGonagall interrupted. "I felt you needed to know that Riddle and I knew each other. That's all. Now, how are we going to do this?"

Reluctantly, shooting Dumbledore a quick, pleading look, he finally said, "It will not do for me to bring a willing victim."

"No. So?"

"So - I propose, with your permission," he said, speaking solely to McGonagall, "to Imperius you."

He saw the last bit of color drain from her face. She sat back in her chair and glanced at Dumbledore.

"That's - that's a very - risky thing to do, Severus."

He nodded. "And if you will not allow it, I will not do it."

Minerva's lips tightened into a nearly nonexistent line. She studied the drink in her hand for several seconds, then finally looked back at him. "On one condition."

He waited.

"That you tell me everything that happened - everything I do or - everything. When we return."

He narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Would you have wanted me to make that demand of you when you were - 'assisting' - Orestes?"

"That was quite different."

"She's right, Severus. At that point, you had no choice in what was happening. In this case, Minerva is quite able to choose not to go."

He could, without any help at all, envision more than enough horrors to know that he would only be able to get through this himself if he knew she would never be aware of how the Dark Lord's hunger to destroy people could manifest itself.

"No." Neither of them had expected that answer, he could tell.

"Then I might just have to withdraw my consent."

"Then I shall go empty-handed."

"Minerva," Dumbledore said, his chocolate nearly gone, "perhaps - a compromise. Severus can tell me what happens. If I feel it's unnecessary for you to know, or if would be harmful -"

"I'm a big girl, Albus," she said sharply. "I think I ought to be the one to determine what's necessary, and I'm telling you both right now: I will not go if I'm not assured that you will tell me what happens - all of it - when I return."

Severus turned to Dumbledore for help, but there was none forthcoming.

"Very well," he said quietly. His mouth was dry, but he doubted she would detect the lie. Not on her own.

"I have your word?"

He couldn't look at her. "Yes."

Dumbledore got up from his chair and paced away from them once, his hands behind his back. Then he turned and glared at Severus. "Look at me," he ordered. Severus did. "Now. Again! Does she have your word, Severus?"

Boggarts! He would have thought Dumbledore would side with him on this. But the man was using Legilimency and though Severus could lie to him, he was sure Dumbledore would sense it.

"Yes." He felt sick to his stomach. He glared at the Headmaster as long as he could, then stood and went to the door. "We will be leaving at 3:30," he told them.

"Are you taking the portal?"

"Yes."

"Three-thirty? In the morning?" McGonagall asked. "Why -"

"Orestes used the portal at about 3:30 this morning, Voldemort Summoned me then, he told me to return at the same time tonight with a sacrifice for his pleasure, so we are leaving at 3:30 in the morning!" He took a breath and said, more quietly, "If you will excuse me, I am going to get some rest."

He didn't wait for either of them to answer. He let the door close without slamming it, and by the time he'd made it to his chambers he was past the need to throw something.

He locked his door and stood there staring at it for the better part of ten minutes. Then he went to his desk and decided to attack some of the student work from last year that he still needed to complete. Being Dumbledore's and the Dark Lord's spy didn't give him an excuse to not grade papers.

An hour later, when the chill in the room had begun to make his fingers stiff and his still-tormented joints ache, he gave up his work and went to his bedchamber. He set an alarm to waken him, decided against undressing, and lay on the bed, praying for no dreams to interrupt him...

...They were in the dungeon room, finalizing Lily's newest invention: a draught to make pimples appear on the faces of those who broke their word. "See, it's becoming cloudy, just what I expected," she said. He looked at her, at the brightness of her small face. He could smell her hair, the scent of ginger that captivated him in his dreams. She leaned over the cauldron and stirred it counterclockwise, twelve times.

"Who are you making this for?" he asked. It was rare that Lily indulged in this sort of mischief.

"James and Sirius," she said, a delightful tone of malicious joy in her voice. He smiled.

"What did they promise you, Lily?" he asked, only partly wanting to know the answer.

"Oh, it doesn't matter." She looked up and smiled at him. His heart soared. "Want to test it for me?"

He chuckled. "The only thing I have going for me in the looks department is that I don't have pimples all over my face!"

She looked at him a little longer. "That's not the only thing..."

... "Get away from me! How could you!" Lily's words screeched through the corridor and at the sound of them, he broke into a run to see what had happened. There, at the junction to the staircase that brought them to the Gryffindor Tower, James and Sirius were laughing hysterically at Mary Macdonald, whose hair had been turned into seaweed.

"Oh, you're monsters!" Lily cried, gathering her friend into her arms and trying to comfort her without touching the slimy green stuff that fell around her face.

"It's just a joke, Lily," Sirius was saying. He and James were still trying to stop laughing.

Severus came up behind them silently, and pulled his wand. Lily saw him, but too late: he flicked his wand and both boys turned green - Slytherin green. Lily's mouth opened in shock, and then, as Severus winked at her and fled back to where he'd come from, he heard her begin to laugh, heard Mary Macdonald laughing...

... "That was perfect, Severus!" she told him that night. He'd waited outside the portrait for her, and finally when Mary Macdonald had gone to the tower, she told Lily he was out there. "You should have seen Professor Slughorn's face when they showed up for his detention!"

He smiled, but it was the beauty in front of him that made the whole thing worthwhile. He took a deep breath and then, very carefully, a feeling of fear he'd never felt before creeping through his spine, he touched her hand. "So they fixed Mary's hair? She looked alright tonight."

And then, wonder of wonders, Lily clasped his hand. And smiled...

..."They promised they'd stop tormenting you. - For my sake," she said...

He woke with his face wet and his sheets tangled and his body aching as it hadn't for years. He sat up, shaking, and wiped his face dry and then went to the shower. He stayed there a long time: he couldn't push away the sadness, the horrible emptiness that the dreams brought back, the acute pain that came when he thought of her and knew he would never see her again.

He finally left the shower and dressed. It was nearly three anyway, and he wasn't going to try to sleep again.

At 3:20, he left his chambers and the castle and went to wait for Professor McGonagall out by the portal. The sky was clear and the stars above him gave off a silvery glow, and as he looked up he could still see Lily in his mind's eye...

"Severus."

He jumped, startled by McGonagall's silent approach.

"Are you ready?" he asked her: stupid question! She had on her traveling cape and was wearing her older, more tortured hat, the one that twisted in several directions above her.

"Are you?"

He shook his head. "No." He put his mask in place and she gasped.

"Do you have to wear that?"

"Yes." He took a deep breath and pulled his wand. "Now," he warned her, and she stood still for it. "Imperio!"

The look in her eyes changed, became calmer. She would be feeling quite fine right now, he knew. He took her hand, preparing to use side-along Apparition: her ability to focus clearly would be impaired by the Unforgivable Curse.

"Here we go, Professor," he said, and she clasped his hand more tightly....

"Where are we?" she asked, her voice a small whisper in the darkness. He released her hand.

"Lumos!" He ordered, and his wand gave off a glow that confirmed they were where he'd expected to be. "This is the Riddle House," he told her. He let her hand go and turned around, but the Dark Lord did not seem to be there. Yet.

The table was still there. And as he moved closer to it, he saw two bottles waiting there, neither of them familiar. His stomach began to tighten. The Dark Lord's plans had changed.

"Professor," he said quietly, "I think perhaps -"

He didn't have a chance to finish. There was a rush of air and in the corner of the room, the Dark Lord appeared, his head covered with a hood, his face impossible to see beneath the shadows.

"Severus?" McGonagall gasped.

He dropped immediately to his knees, then reached back and pulled McGonagall down as well. "It is alright, Professor, this is what you are here for."

She knelt next to him, not protesting, not struggling.

"My Lord, I return as you ordered. I've brought you a prize."

The Dark Lord moved across the room as if he were sliding along the floor, and he came to stand just in front of them. Professor McGonagall shivered as he reached down and lifted her chin and Severus prayed desperately that the Imperius was strong enough to keep her from saying anything...

"Ah, Minerva," the Dark Lord whispered happily. "How good to see you again! Oh, Severus, my servant, you have done very well, very well indeed! This makes me - quite happy."

Which is what Severus had been deathly afraid of.

"Do you remember me, Minerva?" the Dark Lord whispered, his face close to hers, his fingers tracing the contours of her cheek.

Minerva glanced at Severus as if to learn whether she should answer the question. He looked away and she said nothing.

"Minerva, my first love, my first true love!" He cackled and swirled around in a pirouette. "Oh, but she never paid attention to me! No, she was too good, too pure, too self-righteous!"

McGonagall shivered, but said nothing.

"Let's see who she refuses tonight!" The Dark Lord laughed and then turned his eyes on Severus. A growing dread was convulsing his stomach and making it hard to breathe.

The Dark Lord swept his hand across Snape's mask and it fell to the floor. He felt the heat of the gleaming eyes piercing his mind. He shut his eyes and gasped from the sudden, sharp pain as the Dark Lord found the memories of the dreams he'd just tried to erase from his mind.

"Oh, my poor servant," the snakelike creature hissed. He lifted Severus' chin. "It's been a long time since you've felt a woman's touch. How long has it been, Severus?"

"My Lord, I am here - as you ordered. To test my potion," he said frantically. "I brought Professor McGonagall to test -"

"Answer my question, Severus. How long has it been since you've had a woman?"

Oh, Merlin, no, not that! Not that! "Many years, my Lord."

"Years, Severus?" The Dark Lord began to laugh and then he started the now-familiar dancing-pace around the room, as if he had too much energy to be able to hold still. "Years and years and years? Have you ever actually had a woman, Severus? Or has a woman ever had you?" He swung his wand in an arc and as Severus watched, an image of Lily appeared in the room, hovered a few feet from him, an image taken directly form his own mind, his own memory...

He shut his eyes. She was still there, holding his hand in the corridor, her eyes shining and green, Slytherin green...

"Ah, my faithful servant, how would you like to have her in your arms tonight?"

He swallowed, panic rising in his throat, and he kept his eyes shut against the ghostly image.

"Or, perhaps, if not her - someone else?" The voice was next to his ear and he opened his eyes. The Dark Lord's lip-opening was turned upward, his blood-red eyes flaring with his own twisted form of glee. "Who else might please you?"

"No one, my Lord..." he gasped, his mind racing through the terrible possibilities ahead of him.

But again, the eyes found his and probed and pierced his memories and looked for anything they could find, anything to use...

The Dark Lord waved his wand again and another image floated in the room: Hermione Granger.

"No!" He closed his eyes. "She's just a child!"

Voldemort was looking for any other female to conjure up, he found that only because he couldn't suppress thoughts of her or the Weasley brat whenever he thought of Potter...

"Oh, not a child? Not a student, Severus? Not - any student?"

He swirled his wand again and another shade appeared: Harry Potter.

"Vengeance, my sweet servant? Vengeance for his father's misdeeds?"

"My Lord, I have only come to test -"

"You have come to do my bidding!" he shrieked.

Next to him, Professor McGonagall sank backward on her heels, and he heard a small moan from her throat.

And then, as suddenly as it had risen, the Dark Lord's anger seemed to abate and he began to circle them, his wand swirling through the air. "Tonight, Severus, tonight you, my faithful servant will be - pleasured."

He waved his wand, and all the ghostly images but Lily's disappeared.

Merlin's ghost! He realized, in less than the time it took for him to take a breath, what was going to happen. And it would not be bearable!

"My Lord, the potion I brought you last night -"

"Oh, I've tried that already, my faithful one: I let Orestes try it. And as a reward for your loyalty..." He floated across the room and picked up the small vials with one hand and brought them back.

Severus glanced at Professor McGonagall out of the corner of his eye: she was simply kneeling there, watching them with eyes that seemed only mildly interested in what was happening. The specter of Lily still floated in the air halfway across the room.

"I had no hope that you would bring me so - favorable - a subject for my amusement, Severus," he hissed. "Professor Minerva! The most chilling woman I have ever met. The most - imperious. The most untouchable! Oh, Severus, what a choice! Tonight..."

He held the two vials in his skeletal palm, and as they rolled together, Severus saw the fluids in each of them: one was frosty pink, the other was the mingled color of mother-of-pearl.

His mouth was so dry it hurt to try to speak. "My Lord, I - I should not wish to lose my position in Dumbledore's service. If I do not return the professor unharmed... Master, I am of great assistance to you as a spy -" He was begging. He could hear it in his own voice.

"Oh, my faithful one, you will lose nothing tonight. It will all be for your gain, for your pleasure. For your reward."

With his wand hand, the Dark Lord lifted the small bottle with the pink liquid and handed it to Professor McGonagall. "Professor Minerva," he said, his voice slithering through the room, "please drink this."

McGonagall took the bottle, but looked at Severus questioningly, not sure what to do. He could do nothing to stop this; so he nodded silently. She unscrewed the cap and then she hesitated.

"Severus? What is this?"

"Just - it's the potion I told you about. Drink it, Professor, it is alright." He kept his voice steady: he would not let the Dark Lord know what this was doing to him.

"Only half, my beauty, only half!"

McGonagall tilted the vial and drank half the bottle. Then she screwed the cap back and he held out his hand and took it from her.

"Yes, yes, yes," the Dark Lord whispered, his eyes gleaming with pleasure as he waited. And as Severus watched, the misty shade of Lily that had hovered across the room moved slowly closer and closer until it drifted downward, over Professor McGonagall, and then the Professor's form was gone and Lily knelt beside him, her eyes as green as emeralds, her lips soft and parted just a little in a question.

"Now, this one," the Dark Lord ordered, holding the second bottle to the transmogrified woman. "Drink this, Professor."

"Severus?"

It was too much! The sight of her, the sound of her, the smell of her, the ginger in her hair... And now, Amortentia...

"Drink it!" the Dark Lord ordered.

"Severus, what should I do?"

He ground his teeth so hard he thought they would shatter in his mouth. "Drink it, Professor."

"Ah, yes," the Dark Lord said, and Severus kept his eyes averted as long as he could. "Look, Severus, look at her!"

He obeyed. He could barely see through the mist in his eyes: she was gazing at him longingly, her eyes filled with him, filled with desire...

"Of all the women in the world, Severus, this is the only one you ever begged for. Oh, yes, I remember. I gave her a chance to step aside, Severus. I did that for you, for my faithful servant. But she wouldn't step aside! She wouldn't save her own life!"

The pain was sharp and hard and he felt the air sucked from his lungs, his muscles tensed, and when the woman next to him reached for his hand, he forgot himself entirely and grabbed her and held her close and stroked her hair and smelled the ginger and pressed her head against his shoulder...

"Severus," she whispered.

He couldn't think, he couldn't stop...

"Yes, my faithful one. Hold her. Stay as long as you wish, my dear servant," he crowed. He flicked his wand and a four-poster bed appeared in the room. Velvet curtains hung from the posters, promising privacy, the bed was covered in deep green silk.

"Enjoy yourself, Severus, as you have wanted to enjoy her all these years! You can have her now - or anytime you want!" He dropped the half-used bottles into Severus' hand. "My faithful servant!" He began to laugh, a high-pitched sound that was like the creaking of doors on old hinges.

"Severus," Minerva whispered. He felt her hand on his arm, he felt himself beginning to burn...

Without thinking, concentrating only on surviving the next few minutes with his sanity intact, he slipped the vials into his cape pocket, then got up and stalked as far from her as he could, which put him - right next to the bed. She followed him and stood before him, her body hot and soft. She stepped closer and pressed against him, he felt the horrible reaction of his body to hers, he put his fingers on her cheek...

"She wants you," Voldemort hissed. "Take her! Please her! Please yourself!"

And then, with a flicker of his wand, the snake-lord disappeared.

He had to get them out of here. Now! She slid her hand along his arm and he felt her warm breath against his face. With a cry of agony, he pushed her back and he looked away. He couldn't see her, he couldn't look at Lily and keep his mind clear, he couldn't...

He reached for his wand and felt the small, round stone in his pocket, bumping against the small vial...

With his eyes on the floor, he handed the bezoar to Professor McGonagall. At least he could do this: he could rid her of the Amortentia potion that was slithering through her veins, making her desire him.

"Please, Professor. Swallow this." His voice cracked and he wasn't sure his words were even intelligible.

"But Severus, why won't you -" She took the bezoar and her fingertips stroked the palm of his hand as she did. He gasped and pulled his hand away. The so-called love potion she had drunk seemed to be almost as strong as the Imperius curse. Wherever the Dark Lord had gotten it, it was a very potent formula: she shouldn't have been able to even question his order.

"Severus, look at me."

He couldn't. He wouldn't.

He did. He looked into Lily's eyes and his chest hurt, his body ached...

"Just - swallow it! Now!" He choked and felt bile rise in his chest. "Please." He couldn't take much more of this. He had to get out of here, he had to leave...

What if the Dark Lord were still here? What if he were watching, invisible...

She swallowed the bezoar with difficulty and he waited.

He crossed the room and got his mask from the floor. "We're leaving," he said. He grabbed her hand and though he wanted only to end this horrible nightmare, though he knew it was wrong and that this wasn't Lily, that he would never hold Lily or touch her again, his body screamed for her and his mind knew the difference, and yet, still, he reached one hand up and cupped her face and pressed close and kissed her. She leaned against him and returned the kiss with almost as much fire and passion as he gave.

The bezoar had worked: Professor McGonagall was free of the effects of the love potion, but not the effects of the Imperius. The kiss died on her lips and she pulled back. He looked at her for a long minute, held her hand tightly, and then, with his eyes shut, he concentrated on his destination and turned with her, and left the Riddle house behind...

She was still clutching his hand, her small fingers wrapped in his, her breath close to his face when he felt the grounds outside Hogwarts solidify under his feet. The night was clear, the moon was diving toward the horizon, a few stars, still brilliant enough on their own to shine through the moon's glow, winked at them.

He turned to her, just one more time, just for another moment. He touched her face, his rough, potion-stained, calloused fingers feeling too harsh for her skin. She was looking at him with trust. She didn't know what was happening, but she trusted him. He wouldn't hurt her: she told him that without a word.

He shut his eyes and tried to take as deep a breath as he could: but his lungs were caught in a grip and he couldn't breathe at all.

"Professor," he finally managed, "go back to the castle."

"Severus?"

"Just - go back."

"Severus..."

He turned and pulled his wand and looked at her, and lifted the Imperius. He watched her blink rapidly several times, and then she became aware of the fact that he had not let go of her.

He dropped her hand and stared at the ground. "You're back, Professor. You - took a transmogrification potion. I don't know - how long it will be - until it wears off. Please - just return to the castle."

"Severus, what - I look the same to myself," she said, and he risked a glance: she was staring at her hands and her body, and he was alright until she actually looked up at him. He felt himself melting, he felt his resolve slipping away...

"You - look -" He shook his head. He couldn't say it, he couldn't say her name, he couldn't bear to be this close to her and not touch her, not hold her... "I - have to go," he managed to choke out. He started off, but she put her hand on his arm. He felt the heat of her fingers through his clothing and he pulled away.

He began to run and he ran until he couldn't see the castle and then he took to the air and tried to vanish into nothingness.

* * * July 27, 1995, early morning

Dumbledore had finally decided not to try reading any longer. He'd been at it for nearly an hour, now, since the alarm around the portal had told him Severus and Minerva had left. He was too tired to pace and too alert to sleep. He had tried reading back issues of the Daily Prophet and the Quibbler, but nothing held his attention. He couldn't stop worrying, he couldn't stop fearing the worst.

He drank four cups of chocolate, ate an entire box of lemon drops and ordered himself a draught of butterbeer. He tried to rid his mind of the horrible tortures he was envisioning Minerva being subjected to; he tried not to think of what Voldemort would do if he weren't pleased with the effects of Severus' potion.

A knock on his door startled him from his nervousness. He looked at the clock on his wall: it was 4:30 in the morning. Surely, it would be Minerva and Severus.

He flicked his wand to open the door and was surprised to see Remus standing there, looking worn and a bit sheepish.

"It took me half an hour to guess the password," the man said, stepping into the room with his usual self-effacing manner. "I hope you don't mind, I was - concerned for - Professor McGonagall."

Dumbledore gave him a tired grin and gestured him in. "You were worried for Severus," he said. "You needn't be embarrassed, Remus, I'm very concerned for him as well." He summoned up another goblet of butterbeer and handed it to the werewolf, waving his hand to a seat.

"I don't suppose there's anything we can do by worrying, though," Remus said. He sat in the nearest chair and took a long drink from the goblet. "How long have they been gone?"

"About an hour. - Hardly long enough for Voldemort to even begin his tortures." He shook his head. "No, I shouldn't think that way! I should think that Severus has this all quite in hand. He and Minerva will be back shortly, they will both be fine..."

There was another knock on the door, and a small, girlish voice called, "Albus? Are you awake? It's me, I'm back. Albus?"

He knew his ears were playing tricks on him. He heard a voice he could not possibly hear. He glanced at Remus, but the werewolf was staring at the door as if transfixed by the sight of the moon.

"Who -?"

"Albus," the voice called again. "It's me. Minerva. Are you awake, Albus?"

He crossed the room in three long strides and swung the door open and gasped. It couldn't be! It couldn't be!

"Albus," she said, stepping inside. She looked at him looking at her, and then she noticed Remus. "What--oh, please, tell me: who do I look like?"

"Who - Minerva?" Dumbledore finally managed. The woman stepped into the room, growing alarm in her eyes.

"Yes. It's me. I - Severus said I took a transmogrification potion. And - and - and another one - I don't remember... Albus, who do I look like?"

He stared at Lily and felt a sharp pain in his chest. He heard Remus make a soft, strangling sound, and knew the vision had to be hurting him at least as much.

"Oh, by all that's holy!" He shook his head, and only slowly did he realize that Severus wasn't with her. "Where is he?" he asked sharply, shaking himself from the terrible vision in front of him. "Minerva, where's Severus?"

"He said he had to go - I don't know. He may have returned to - to the house," she finished. Her forehead furrowed and she looked away, trying to recall what had happened. "We were in - Tom Riddle's house," she said quietly. Then she looked back at them. "Please, Albus, who do I look like?"

Next to him, he saw Remus wiping his own eyes. "Lily Potter."

"Oh, no!" She started to sag, and Dumbledore caught her and eased her down into a chair.

"Remus," he said, trying to clear the thickness from his own voice, "he may have gone to - that other place." He looked at Lupin and saw that the man was still struggling against his own reaction to seeing Lily. "Would you - check on him?"

Remus nodded slowly, not taking his eyes from Lily's face. He didn't move for several seconds. Then, with a deep breath, he headed for the door.

"Be careful, Remus. Very. Very. Careful!"

Whether he heard or not, Dumbledore didn't know. The door shut behind him and Albus turned to Minerva. "What do you remember?" he asked pulling another chair close to her and sitting in it, leaning forward. He took her hands. "Did he - hurt you?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so - I can't - I know he gave me a bezoar. I remember swallowing it, but I don't remember - why." She focused on him. "Is it - do I look that much like - her?"

He nodded. "Exactly. - Even your voice..." He looked away. "How long were you - I mean - were you -"

She was watching him, but he couldn't bear to look at her. Compared with Severus' feelings for her, Albus' feelings for Lily were almost nothing. And yet seeing her was still so painful. It was a terrible shock.

"How do you feel, Minerva?" he asked, forcing himself to use her name. To imagine her, not Lily, sitting here.

"I - fine. I - oh, Albus!" She gasped and when he looked at her she turned away. She was blushing.

He didn't want to know why. But he owed it to her to listen.

"Minerva?"

"He - the second potion, the one he gave me the bezoar for - it was - Amortentia." She stared at her lap. "Oh, Albus, this - You-Know-Who actually thought he was rewarding Severus! He - he even conjured -" she stopped and shuddered and shut her eyes.

He stood and went to the other side of the room. He summoned up some mulled wine and brought it back. There were tears on her cheeks.

"Here." She took the proffered goblet, but her hand was shaking.

"I - I think I should go back - to my chambers, Albus," she said quietly after drinking some of the wine. "I - I'll come talk with you later." She got up and Albus didn't try to stop her. "Good night, Albus."

"Minerva. If you need - anything."

She nodded, but didn't turn around.

He stared at the closed door for several minutes, and saw only the image of Lily Evans.

* * *

He took the tunnel. He heard sounds from the Shack long before he actually got inside. But they weren't the sounds he'd been expecting. Given Severus' keen rage, he'd been prepared for a room full of broken objects and a man hurling more items through the air.

Instead, Remus stood unnoticed in the doorway to the parlor and saw Severus on the couch, his whole body wracked with hard, impossibly deep sobs. From time to time, loud, horrible noises came from his throat, sounds that a wounded, trapped animal would make, sounds that were barely human.

Sounds of unendurable pain.

Damn it! Severus had been in love with Lily. And from the looks of things, he still was!

He didn't dare interrupt. Snape's terrible sobbing continued unabated. He cried out, he wailed, he screamed and cursed, he grabbed and tore at his own hair.

And he wept.

Remus finally slunk back and returned to the castle. There was nothing he could do for Severus, nothing anyone could do. There was a pain there that simply could not be helped or healed.

He remembered the night Lily had died. The awful news that the Potters had joined the Longbottoms and so many others as victims of the war against Voldemort.

But for Remus, it was more than just news of two more casualties in the Order.

It was James! His best friend, the man who had spent years learning to turn himself into an animal, just to be able to keep Remus company one night a month. James, who convinced and taught Sirius and Peter how to change into animals. James, whose charisma was so strong that just being in his presence often felt like sitting beneath the sun and having all the world at your feet.

It was James, who also had a terrible pride, an arrogant side that Remus always excused. He was a brilliant Quidditch player, he was a spell-binding story-teller, he was tops in Charms class and in charm itself. He was what everyone wanted to be like, or at least, what every Gryffindor wanted to be like. Or with.

And it was Lily: his secret Lily. His first, his deepest crush. His first love, the first girl he would have done anything for.

It was Lily and the first time he realized he could never offer a woman anything. Lily was the girl, the woman, who made him remember that he was a werewolf, a creature who could never marry, a creature too dangerous to fall in love with.

Lily was the first time love had been intolerable for him. She was the first love he'd had to abandon. And not just because of what he was.

He had, after all, loved James, too. And James and Lily were meant for each other.

It took years before the sharp-edged pain of their deaths faded to what was tolerable.

But for Severus, he now knew, Lily's loss had never become tolerable. He wondered how he had been so blind. Or had he? If he had looked for it back then, back in school, would he - would anyone - have realized Snape's feelings for her?

He doubted it. He tried to recall what he'd seen, what they'd seen when Severus and Lily had been together, and he couldn't look back and see anything more than the friendship each of them tried - unsuccessfully - to conceal from their warring Houses.

Had the love been only on Severus' side? Or had Lily, once, been in love with him?

Severus' unending, unabating hatred for James made so much more sense, now. So did his attitude toward Harry: to see the eyes of Lily in James' face, every day...

He went back to Dumbledore's office and knocked. The door swung open and Dumbledore sat before his fire, leaning forward. He turned and looked at Remus through his half-moon spectacles. "Did you find him?"

Remus nodded. "He didn't know I was there. - Did you - know?"

Dumbledore considered the question for several seconds, then gave a reluctant nod. "No one else ever did. No one! You must never tell, Remus. Never!"

"Where's Professor McGonagall?"

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Her chambers. She's - quite shaken."

He wanted to ask more, he wanted to understand, but before he could say anything, the fire leapt in Dumbledore's fireplace and a face appeared.

"Dumbledore? Are you there?" It was Sirius: and it was with a small surprise that Remus realized he didn't want to talk to his friend right now. He moved back, out of view.

"Yes, Sirius, what is it?"

"It's Molly. She's having a reaction to the draught, we think. She can't stop performing magic. And she's still asleep: we can't wake her up!"