The Talk

"You do it! You're his godfather!" Remus said firmly.

"I can't! You're a professor! You do it!" Sirius retorted.

"Exactly! I'm just a professor! You're practically family to the boy!"

"But, but..."

"Ha! Got you there. Now, you go do it," Remus said, smiling. He and Sirius had been debating for nearly an hour about who would give Harry the talk, that oh so important talk, about the facts of life.

"But...I don't wanna. Please Moony, you do it. For me?" Sirius said, batting his eyelashes.

"No! Stop it! Don't do the eyelash batting! Sirius, you know I can't say no to the eyelash batting!" Remus said, smiling.

"Fine, let's compromise. We'll both do it," Sirius suggested. Remus thought for a moment, and nodded in agreement. "Now, where is Harry?"

"I think he's in the kitchen helping Molly," Remus said off-handedly.

"Harry," Sirius peeked his head into the kitchen; "could we speak with you for a moment?" he motioned to Remus, who was standing behind him.

"Uh, sure. I'll be right back Mrs. Weasley," Harry said, confused. Harry followed Sirius and Remus to an empty bedroom.

"Now, er, let's see here. Harry, we want to talk with you about something," Remus started.

"Something rather important really," Sirius interrupted. Harry noticed Remus biting his lip and Sirius chuckling.

"Er, is everything alright?" Harry asked.

"What? Oh yes, everything's fine!" Sirius laughed.

"Well, if this is something so important, why are you laughing? You don't usually laugh unless you're nervous," Harry observed.

"Harry," Remus interrupted, "this is important, and Sirius is just being...Sirius," he said. "Yes, well, let's get down to business then, shall we? Well, you're fifteen now and I'm almost certain the Dursley's won't want to discuss this with you anytime soon." Sirius suddenly became very interested in his fingernails. Harry shrugged it off. "Yes, um Padfoot, would you like to participate in this conversation also, or are your fingernails more interesting than your godson?" Sirius looked up and glared at Remus for a moment.

"Er, well, you see, at your age, I'm sure you're thinking about things, and feeling things," he chuckled nervously, "and that's all completely normal," Sirius turned to Remus. "Why can't they teach them this at Hogwarts!? I can't do this!" Harry had caught on, and was now blushing furiously. Remus ignored Sirius' outburst.

"What Sirius was trying to say was, thinking about certain...things, is completely normal," Remus was biting his lip again.

"May I interrupt for a moment? I can see both of you are incredibly uncomfortable, and so am I, so I'll just be going," Harry said, and left the room.

"Sirius, you idiot! You made him uncomfortable with all your laughing!" Remus exclaimed.

"It wasn't my fault! I can't help it! And what about you? Biting your lip, making it all swollen and pouty," Sirius responded. Remus smiled.

"Well, this obviously didn't work out very well. We'll need to be prepared, decide what we're going to say and how we're going to say it. We'll figure all that out and give Harry time to recover and we'll talk to him about it next week," Remus suggested.

Remus and Sirius sat in the same bedroom as before, both nervously pacing, when there was a knock on the door. Remus ran his hand through his hair and Sirius sat down.

"Come in," Remus said. Harry walked in looking very nervous as well. "Right, well I'm sure you know why you're here, again," Remus said quietly. "Sit down, Harry. There's no need to be nervous," Harry sat himself on a chair and turned his attention to Sirius who had stood again and was now pacing.

"Yes, well you're fifteen now and probably thinking about sex," Sirius said bluntly. Harry blushed furiously and began to examine the hem of his T-shirt. Remus had unveiled something but Harry was too embarrassed to look up to see what it was.

"Now, this is a diagram of the male reproductive system," Remus said, trying to sound calm but failing. Harry did not dare look up.

"Er, if you don't mind, could I please go? I know all about this stuff," Harry said uncomfortably.

"Sorry Harry, but no you can't go. I'm afraid you have to stay here and endure this," Sirius said apologetically, "If you'd like we can skip this and move to the girly parts," Sirius joked. Harry did not laugh.

"Right, moving on," Remus said, "This is the female reproductive system," Remus waved his wand and the diagram changed from male to female.

"I'm telling you, I know all about this stuff. Please, save us all the uncomfortable-ness and let me go," Harry begged.

"Harry, really, I wish it was just that easy, but we've got to teach you these things," Remus apologized.

"But why? I've already learned it all! Hermione and I both went to muggle schools before Hogwarts, we went until we were ten, until fifth grade, when they teach students these things," he explained.

"Ten years old! Ten years old and they're teaching these things?" Sirius exclaimed, "Muggles!"

"Fine, fine, you've learned it all and it was making us both terribly uncomfortable anyway. You may go, but before you do, do you have any questions? Any at all, don't be afraid to ask them," Remus said. Harry thought for a moment and quietly asked,

"Er, does size really matter?" Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, so he wouldn't laugh and Remus ran his hand through his hair again.

"Er, well to be honest, to some people it does. To shallow people, yes. But most people agree that it's not the size that counts, it's how you use it," Remus explained. Biting his cheek could do nothing for Sirius now, and broke out into laughter.

"I'm sorry, Harry. Sorry, I just...sorry," he said, leaving the room, trying to contain himself.

"Er, thanks. This was certainly...informative. I'll er, I'll just be going now," Harry said, getting up.

"Yes, yes. See you Harry," Remus replied. Once Harry had left the room Remus went in search of Sirius.

He found Sirius tending to Buckbeak. He walked into the room and smacked the back of Sirius' head.

"Ow! What was that for?" Sirius rubbed his head.

"You laughed at him!" Remus scolded.

"I wasn't laughing at him, I was laughing at you're explanation!" Sirius laughed. Remus smacked his head again. "Ouch! Stop that! I couldn't help it! It was funny, and all very uncomfortable at the same time. I'm sorry!" Sirius pouted.

"Fine, but you may want to apologize to him. He probably feels like an idiot now. Honestly, his own godfather laughing when he asked a serious question," Remus said.

"I wasn't laughing at him!" Sirius exclaimed, "Fine, I'll go look for him. Just don't hit me again!"

Harry quickly left the room and returned to his own room. He sat on the bed and stared straight ahead. He was still staring when Ron entered with Hermione close behind.

"What's up mate?" Ron asked.

"You may not want to know," Harry said darkly.

"That bad, eh? But you weren't in there for too long. What happened?" Ron questioned.

"Ron! If he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to," Hermione interrupted.

"Actually, Hermione, could you give Ron and I a moment?" Harry asked. Hermione looked suspicious but left.

"What could possibly have happened that you couldn't say in front of Hermione?"

"Er, I asked a question and it didn't go very well,"

"What kind of question?" Ron asked tentatively.

"Well...if you promise not to laugh," Harry said quietly.

"No problem, I won't laugh," Ron assured him.

"Well, I asked if, er, size matters," he said reluctantly.

"And...what'd they say?" Ron seemed very interested in the answer to his question.

"Well, Lupin said it doesn't, it's how you use it, and Sirius couldn't stop laughing. He left the room and everything," Harry said.

"Well then...it's a good thing right? That size doesn't really matter,"

"Yes, but still, I feel like an idiot,"

"Don't say that, I'm sure Sirius wasn't laughing at you. You know how he laughs when he's nervous, that's probably all it was," Ron assured him. There was a knock on the door.

"You can come in Hermione," Harry called. The door opened but it wasn't Hermione. "Oh, er, hi Sirius," Harry said. Sirius looked at Ron and Ron suddenly felt very out of place.

"Right, er, I'll go find Hermione. See ya mate," he said quickly, and left. Sirius sat on Ron's bed, across form Harry.

"Harry, I'm very sorry if you thought I was laughing at you earlier. That wasn't the case at all, believe me. I laugh when I'm nervous or in an uncomfortable situation, you know that. The entire thing was very uncomfortable for me, and when Remus said what he did, for some reason I cracked. I'm very sorry if you thought I was laughing at you. I was doing nothing of the sort," he explained.

"Er, no problem," Harry said.

"Alright, well er, I'll leave you to your friends now. See you Harry,"

"See you Sirius," Harry replied. Sirius left the room and Ron and Hermione returned.

Sirius returned to the room he and Remus shared. "Well, there, I've apologized," he said defiantly.

"Good," Remus replied. Sirius remained looking defiant. "You know, you're so adorable when you do the right thing," Remus smiled. Sirius' manner relaxed and he smiled.

"I'm always adorable Moony, you should know that by now," Sirius flashed Remus the grin that was specially reserved for him and they kissed.

"You're right. I should know that by now," he replied smiling.