Legitimacy

Sir/Madam,

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when faced with two evils, one must always choose the lesser of the two.

In my case, the evils happen to be two magnificently beautiful (alright, so I exaggerate excessively; neither of them are beautiful) witches who have both proclaimed that I am the father of their unborn child.

Now, being wizarding Britain's most eligible bachelor, I can tell you that this bit of news does not go well with my image. However, since the unfortunate demise of my extremely evil father (Hades rest his soul) four years ago, my mother has taught me that I must bear the consequences of my actions (I know, it was an outright shocker).

But accepting the responsibilities of fatherhood to two children of different mothers at once is more than I can manage, even as ingenious as I am. And though I take great pride in my potency, I refuse to believe that I could've sired both babies. While I admit to sleeping with both women, and possibly so during the same frame of time (not the same night, if that's what you're thinking), one must take into account the...frequency of it. But even before that, one must also take into serious account the identities of the two women. I strongly believe that this could shed more light on the possibility that perhaps the proclamation that the babies are mine is all a scam to publicly humiliate me for having slighted them both in the past and reap blackmail money from my oversized pocketbook. While St. Mungo's has tested both women and deemed them both truly with child, the identity of the father remains inconclusive until the birth, and there is a good possibility that neither of them may be mine at all.

So before I continue, let's recap the situation, starting with a quick profile of the two women:

1. Name:
Pansy Annette Parkinson

Age:

22

Marital Status:

Supposedly single but my previous private investigators say otherwise

Occupation:

Part-time teller at Gringotts Bank, Diagon Alley Branch; Full-time thorn in my arse

Estimated fortune

: 100,000 galleons per annum

Likeliness to resort to blackmail (on a scale of 1 to 10):

10

Relationship to me:

Girlfriend from fifth year to sixth year at Hogwarts; girlfriend again for six months, one year after graduating from Hogwarts; so in conclusion, ex-girlfriend

Number of times we engaged in coital activity in the last three months:

6

Now, while both of those women have more than enough reasons of their own for wanting to harass and ruin me in the eyes of the public, there is also a possibility that actually one of them might be telling the truth.

So herein lies the questions I need immediate answers to: Is it definite that I am the father of both children? If not, who are all other potential candidates for fatherhood of the aforementioned unborn children, and what are the motive(s) for proclaiming me as the father? If it is revealed that indeed one, or both, of the children is not mine, is it possible to file a harassment suit against its mother to the Wizengamot and win?

I think by now it is probably best that you be acquainted with the particulars of how I ended up in such an ill predicament. For the sake of my future, I shall gladly provide the details of my torrid affairs with both witches, given that the information will be kept in the strictest of confidence. Because owls may be easily intercepted, I shall deliver the particulars to you in person during an arranged meeting at an undisclosed location, if you decide to take my case.

I cannot begin to tell you how important finding the truth is to me. I have sworn to my mother, and Merlin knows I dare not defy her, to wed the witch that truly bears my child, regardless of our past, so that the future heir of Malfoy would not be a bastard. My theory is that the lesser of my two evils is the woman I will marry. Your job is to help me find out who she is before she carries the child to term, so that the rightful marriage can take place beforehand. I already have a hunch on who it might be and cannot deny that the prospect of her being the one seems more appealing to me by the day, but for objectivity I will refrain from informing you who.

In addition to all I have written, I would also like to add that I pay by the hour. So all things considered, I do hope you will take my case, as it would be in your best financial interest to do so, if nothing else.

Thank you, and owl me with your reply as soon as possible.

Sincerely yours,

Assistant Head Auror

Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Ministry of Magic

P.S. Send your reply back with Odysseus, though it would be wise to feed him some grains before doing so, to prevent him pecking your thumb incessantly.