The Insanity of Draco Malfoy

"Malfoy? Is that you?"

I didn't even have to turn around to know who it is. "Who the bloody hell do you think it is, Potter?" I reply. My planned attempt at a casual drawl comes out more high-pitched than I would've liked. Great, just great.

Another crunch. He's coming closer. Jesus. Stay back!

"What are you doing?" He asks attentively.

"What does it look like I'm doing, Potter?" I snap. There is another crunch on the grass. For Merlin's sake, can't he keep himself away from me?!

"Well," he says. "It looks like you're trying to kill those birds on that rock," he pauses. "You are trying to kill those birds!"

Trust me to fall for The Boy Who Lived To Be Completely Stupid! "I'm not," I say, turning to face him.

"Then what are you doing?"

I consider what will happen if I tell him the truth. Oh sorry, Potter, I was just going insane and screaming swear words because I'm secretly in love with you! Is that okay? I suddenly realise that maybe letting him think I was throwing stones at birds would probably be a better option that admitting my annoyingly true feelings.

Stuck in indifference for a moment, I am only able to show Potter my amazing Goldfish impression.

"You were trying to kill those birds!" he glares at me. "This is so typical of you, Malfoy!"

I sigh. It is a sad situation when one of Potter's un-scary glares almost kills me. Or makes me want to jump on him. Even worse - both at the same time. Eesh.

I look up, realising that Potter's looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. I can only stammer, "Y - you don't understand!"

He looks at me in disbelief. "What the hell isn't there to understand?! You're stood on the edge of the lake screaming swear words and partaking in animal cruelty! It's all pretty clear to me."

This is getting ridiculous! Shape up, Draco! "Come on then, Potter, enlighten me with your words of wisdom."

It is amazing how much just a little bit of sarcasm can brighten up your day.

"They've finally got you," Potter says. Okay, so not the reply I was expecting.

What? "What? Who?"

"The Death Eaters. The Evil Guys. Voldemort's Secret Service. The -"

"I get the picture, Potter," I reply dryly, not wanting to believe what a stupid situation this was. If only I'd stayed to get freaked out by Blaise that little bit longer!

"Yeah, well, you're not denying it then? I bet you've got that Mark burning away on your arm right this minute!" He makes a move as if to grab my arm but then thinks the better of it. What in the name of Merlin is up with him?!

I close my eyes momentarily. "Potter, I have not joined leagues with Voldemort."

"Sure you have!" He actually looks bitter. "Ron was right."

"Potter, Weasley has never been right about anything in his life, but pray tell his thoughts."

Potter sends me a sharp look. "He says you've joined Voldemort!"

Oh for Merlin's sake! "Potter, I am not evil!" I pause. "Well, I am, but not desperate evil. For the time being, of course."

Potter looks at me as if it's finally all clicked in that one brain cell of his. I'm quite disappointed. Bewilderment actually makes him look cuter. Stop thinking about Potter as if he's cute! Potter is not cute. Potter is the gnat in my ear, the gristle in my teeth. The bloody thorn in my bloody side!

"You're not joining Voldemort?"

"Not yet," I reply.

Potter frowns. Gah, he's got to stop with the cuteness, I'm starting to feel dirty. Oh no, now it's dirty thoughts about Potter. Help me!

"But, you were throwing stones at the birds?"

I sigh. "Yes, Potter. Yes, I was trying to get my third hit in a row."

He shakes his head. "You're sadistic, Malfoy."

There is silence. Potter looks like he's thinking. Looks like we'll be here for a while, then.

I pick up some more stones and skim them across the lake. Potter looks at me enquiringly.

"Just go away, Potter."

Ignoring me, he bends down to scoop up some pebbles, aims, and tries to skim it. Note the operative word being tries.

"Jesus, Potter, you're pathetic."

His eyes flicker quickly at me. He tries again.

"You can't even skim a stone?!"

He tries again. The stone just sinks miserably to the bottom only about three feet away from the shore.

"Potter, are you a girl?"

This time, I at least receive a glare. Not quite on Granger's levels yet, though.

Sighing, I pick up another pebble. "You actually have to attempt it, y'know."

"Sorry, Malfoy, didn't realise you were an Olympic skimmer." His tone of voice makes me realise he must be being sarcastic. But what are the Olympics?

I wave a hand dismissively. "Yeah, whatever Potter. Look, you need to hold it like this." I show him my hand. He tries to copy, but ends up fumbling and dropping the stone.

"Potter, you are worse than Weasley," I say as I bend over and pick up the pebble. He snatches it from me and his skin brushes mine, making me jolt. He notices something's wrong. Cover it up! "Come on then, Potter; show us your amazing skill."

He attempts. He fails.

It's his fifth go and he's pulling back his arm. Just before he releases, I grab his arm and pull it further back. He jumps, his arm goes flying and the pebble shoots out, skimming the surface of the lake until . . . bang!

"Oh my God!" Potter cries. "I just hit a bloody bird!"

"Well, at least it skimmed," I say meekly.

Someone is shouting from the other side of the lake, having obviously just witnessed Potter knock out one of our feathered friends.

"Run!" I cry.

Potter stands there, gawping. I grab his arm and pull him away from the lake and up to the castle until we're hidden in the doorway of the main entrance.

"I can't believe we just did that!" Potter pants. Oh God. He's all tousled and out of breath!

"We?!" I splutter. "You're the one who can't keep control of their arms!"

"You pulled me back!"

Suddenly, there is a screech as the door is pulled open behind us. Guess who it is? The bloody Mudblood. Great! I'm surprised I didn't feel her glare approaching.

"Malfoy," she says. Then she notices Potter, and her voice reaches breaking point. "Harry! What are you doing here with him?!"

"Nothing," Potter spits. "I'm not doing anything with Malfoy."

"As if I'd want to do anything with you anyway, Potter! You were the one who disturbed my peaceful walk!"

"Oh yes," Potter says sarcastically. "Because animal cruelty is so peaceful!"

Granger is looking at me suspiciously. Well, she can just piss off for one thing! I'm bloody sick of her staring!

"What is it, Granger? I'm starting to think that you fancy me, you never stop bloody looking! What would Weasley say?"

She blushes bright red. "I'm not going out with Ron! And anyway, I wouldn't fancy you if you were the last wizard on Earth!"

"That's what they all say," I put a hand to my heart. "That cut deep, Granger."

"Oh shove off, Malfoy!" She looks at Potter. "Come on, Harry!" And with that, her bushy head disappears back inside.

"Come on little doggy! Here little doggy!" I sing as Potter glares at me one last time before slipping after Granger.

Well, that went well.