Sweet Deception

CHAPTER TWO: Kissing Lessons

"YOU WANT TO DO WHAT?" shouted Fred.

"Take your jelly beans and get kissing lessons from you," said Ron.

"Ron, you're my little brother. And Harry, you're his best friend. Why the hell do you want kissing lessons from me?"

"Not just you," said Harry. "George as well."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" asked George. "Bring me into this. Honestly, you call yourselves straight wizards."

"It wasn't our idea," said Ron.

"Sure," said Fred. "Whose was it? Dumbledore's?"

"Snogged him in a closet and didn't do so good?" asked George.

"No you idiot!" said Harry. "It was Hermione's idea."

"I see how it is," said Fred. "She snogged us, then snogged you, then told you to snog us. That girl has very strange priorities. She should work them out."

"Yeah," said Ron. "She told us to go to St. Mungo's."

"Well, you still followed through with it," said George. "You still have to go to St. Mungo's. She should just join you, except go to the 'Far Too Insane Brainy Witch' section."

Ron laughed. "That works, I guess."

"So are you guys going to help?" asked Harry.

"The art to fine snogging is to not pressure the chick," said Fred.

"Right," said Ron, "and that's why you gave her a bean that would make her snog you, right? That's not pressure."

"Shut up and listen. We're the experts, remember?"

"Before we continue," said Harry, "I would like to know how much snogging is going to take place, that way I know how many anti-sanitizing potions I need to make."

George puckered his lips. "What? You don't wanna kiss me?"

"George, I think you need to join us all in St. Mungo's."

"That place is going to get very popular by the end of the year," said Fred. "They're going to have a special section for Hogwarts people."

"Hogwarts snoggers, mind you," said Ron. "Only the people who randomly snog need to get sent there. Duh, my friend."

"I'm not your friend, I'm your brother. And apparently I'm going to be your snogger as well."

"I hate how you say it. Can't you turn yourself into a girl or something so it would be easier?"

"I'd still be your sibling, oh intelligent one, so just shut up already. Back to the fine art of snogging. You really just have to give it your all. Maybe you should practice with your hands."

"Hands should be used for other practices, Fred," said George.

"That's only the right one," said Fred. "The left one's still open."

"You could do a two-in-one practice section, then."

"You two have issues," said Harry.

"Hey, we didn't come to you and want to snog. You came to us."

"Hermione forced us to," said Ron. "We don't want to do this just as much as you don't want to do this, so you two should shut up."

"Well, OK, I have an idea," said George. "Why don't you bring us Hermione so you can practice on her? I'm sorry, but the thought of snogging my brother is just barbaric."

"That's not what you said last night," said Fred.

"I was under the spell!"

"Hey, I'm just glad it wore off after -- wait, I just figured it out! The effect wears off right after you snog someone!"

"What about me snogging Hermione?"

"You snogged her, she just kind of took it. So that's the effect we need to work on. It just takes a couple of minutes after you snog! Harry, Ron, you two are geniuses."

"Um, thanks," said Harry. "I forgot we were the brains of the operation."

"No, you nitwit! You're just inspiration. You two should get the Nobel Prize for stupidity."

"The Nobel Prize is for Literature, oh smart one," said Ron. "Stupidity doesn't classify."

"It does if you write a book on it," said George. "You two could do that easily."

"And you two could write a book on snogging...each other."

"Hey, shut your mouth! Nothing happened!"

"OK," said Fred. "This fight is over. Snog lesson for today has officially ended."

"It never started," said Harry.

"Bring us Hermione, and then the fun...and snogging...will begin."

***

Voldemort entered Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.

"Kreacher," he said. "Where are you?"

"I is here, master," said Kreacher.

"Good. I have a plan, and I need you to stay here on guard in case anyone comes."

Kreacher bowed. "What is the will of the master is the will of Kreacher."

Voldemort kicked creature. "Get up, you scum!"

Kreacher screeched and got up.

"I don't need a filthy little worm hanging on my feet all day!" Voldemort walked up the stairs. "Now...where is that picture?"

Kreacher got up, whimpering. "Wh-what is it that you need, my Lord? My Master?" He walked over to Voldemort and bowed again, but quickly got up, remembering how Voldemort didn't like to be flaunted.

"I'm looking for dear old Mrs. Black. She and I haven't talked for ages, and I'm sure there are a great many things she and I need to catch up on."

The covering to Mrs. Black's picture unveiled and her picture appeared, her looking somewhat anxious.

"Voldemort!" she said, sounding pleased. "It's so good to see you again, my love!"

"Now, now," said Voldemort. "We have been passed that stage, and you know that. Anyway, I hear there have been a few things happening in this household that I need to know about. I heard about Dumbledore and some followers, but I didn't hear much. Care to clue me in?"

"Well, my son was a filthy little cheat, he was! He held his meetings here! In my own house! How dare he! Now, now, let me finish before you interrupt," she added, seeing that Voldemort was about to talk. "Anyway. He dared to bring the likes of Nymphadora Tonks, Albus Dumbledore, the Weasleys, and...I'm sorry to say it, sir...Harry Potter! They had some sort of secret meetings down there in the kitchens, and they wouldn't let the children enter! I'm not sure how many people are involved, but I know for a fact that Severus Snape is one of them, he is. They're having meetings that, from the information I've gathered, are going to get them strong enough to stand up to you, Voldy! It's terrible! Oh, it's so terrible!"

And with that, she started bursting into tears.

"I'm not finished," she said, seeing that he wished to speak again. "I know that Harry Potter nearly got expelled from school, but I think you're all up-to-date on that. And I'm sure you know that my backstabbing son is dead! Well, good riddance to him! I don't want you to die, Voldy! I just want you to live!"

"Are you finished now?" asked Voldemort. "Because I would like to speak. I have a plan. I figured since there is an order, there will be people who are trusted and people who are not trusted. I have enough power to begin possessing people again, and that's what I intend to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I intend to possess some of the most trusted teachers and students, and I feel that this will be the most effective way to get people to join me."

"Why, what an excellent idea!"

"I know. Now. If I can talk through people, I can convince people to join me. You know it as well as I do; I'm good at convincing."

"That's always been one of your finer points."

"Go back to your rest. I'm going to take a look around the house to see if there will be anything I need. If someone enters, scream so I will know it's my time to depart."

"As you wish."

And with that, she closed her curtain and maintained her rest.

Voldemort walked back down the hall and entered the kitchen. He picked up various things that Sirius had used, and saw some Floo Powder.

"Ah," said Voldemort. "This could be my travelling device to get into Hogwarts."

He put the Floo Powder back down and heard someone at the door. He disappeared, but remained in the room, just invisible to the naked eye.

Mundungus Fletcher entered the kitchen, looking around.

"Hello?" he asked nervously. "Hm...I could've sworn that I heard voices from outside...maybe I'm just hearing things. After all, this is a hidden house."

The shrieks of Mrs. Black came loud and clear as he left the kitchen.

"Stupid wretch! How dare you enter my house without my permission! What's wrong with you! This is a sacred house, and I don't want the likes of you hanging around it! AAAH! Leave here! Be gone, I tell you! Be gone!

"Ah, shut up!" said Dung. "I've had enough of the likes of you!"

After messing around with the curtain for a while, Mundungus finally got it closed and embraced the silence.

"Ah, that's better."

He turned and ran into something, but couldn't find what he ran into.

"Wh-who's there?" he asked nervously. "Better yet, what's there? Show yourself!" He held up his hands, curled up in fists. "I'm not afraid of you!"

A body materialized out of thin air. Mundungus screamed.

"You should be," said the body. Part of the body came out of him, green, and entered into Mundungus. "There we go," said Voldemort as Mundungus. "This could be easier than I thought."

***

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Ron, have you ever told you brothers that they have serious issues that they need to work out?" she asked Harry and Ron after they told her of Fred and George's proposal.

"Many times," said Ron. "And I'm quite sure that you've told them a time or two yourself, haven't you?"

"Of course I have! Look at what they want me to do! They want me to help you in your snogging lessons? No way. I'm sorry."

"But Hermione!" said Harry. "Think of all the love you could make!"

Hermione slapped Harry. "You and Ron should be the snogging partners! You seem to think alike, why can't you snog alike?"

"That makes no sense," said Ron. "And besides, Harry isn't very good at snogging."

"Neither are you!" said Harry. "You absolutely suck!"

"Wait," said Hermione. "Just wait a couple of seconds. Are you two telling me that you...you...tried to snog each other?"

"Well," said Harry, pausing. "Well...yeah."

Hermione burst out in a fit of laughter.

"That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life! You two? Snog each other?" She snorted. "This is such a perfect Christmas present, and that's months away!"

"Hermione, shut up," said Ron. "You snogged both of us and Fred and George, so you're one to talk, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah, I did, but at least they were of the opposite gender." She snorted again. "This is too perfect."

"Hermione, shut up!" said Harry, getting irritated. "It was all your fault anyway. We just kissed each other since you told us we sucked. If it weren't for you in the first place we wouldn't have had to worry about it. So blame only yourself, because I don't know about Ron, but I'm getting irritated with you.

"OK, OK, you're right," said Hermione. "I'm being stupid, I admit it. But still, you have to admit, that is pretty priceless."

"It is," said Ron. "But shut up about it already."

***

"Well, if you don't bring us Hermione, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do for you," said George. "I'm not snogging you or Harry, so you two are just going to have to suck for the rest of your pathetic little lives."

"Now, what just a minute!" said Ron. "If you take the bean you won't even care! Come on! I'm desperate!"

"I have an idea," said Fred. "This could be really good. We could somehow get Hermione and someone else together, give them a bean without them knowing what it was, and get them together. When you get into it, you get into it, what can I say? Then, as Hermione's snogging whoever she's snogging, we can show you the finer points of it. Is that OK with you guys?"

"Works for me," said Harry.

"Me, too," said Ron. "But who are we going to get?"

"Well, it's going to have to be someone from the opposite gender," said Fred, "because I'm not watching her snog a girl."

"Well, wait a minute," said Harry. "How are we going to hide from them?"

"What do you mean?" asked George.

"Well, they'd kind of notice if we were there, wouldn't they?"

"We'll hide in a closet or something," said Fred. "Think of who you're talking to, Harry. We know everything about this place."

Ron smiled. "This is true."

"So," said Harry. "Who are we going to get?"

"I know," said Ron. "Someone that even she would despise snogging...just to make sure the bean really works."

"Who?"

"Draco."

***

Potions that day was very interesting to say the least. As Snape entered, he glared at Ron and Harry like he'd never glared at them before. He kept covering looking down to see if he was covered, especially in the lower area.

"What are you worrying about, Snape?" Ron asked so only he, Harry, and Snape could hear. "It's not like you've got anything to show anybody."

"That'll be five po-- "

"Uh, uh, uh!" said Harry. "You wouldn't want us putting the potion on you in front of your class, now would you? Wouldn't want everyone to know how small you are."

Snape looked furious. "Fine. Just leave me alone, Potter."

Harry and Ron smiled to themselves.

"That was just too priceless," said Ron.

"You're telling me," said Harry. "I always love to see the look on his face when it comes to him naked. He knows we're right."

"That's what makes it so funny," said Ron. "This is too great."

"Will you two shut up?" asked Hermione. "Get over it, already! You've got something against him, but keep it to yourselves until you can use it for blackmail; you wouldn't want someone to hear you, would you?"

"Good point," said Harry.

"Yeah, we especially wouldn't want Draco to hear us, would we?" said Ron.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Hermione.

Harry and Ron smiled.

"Nothing, Hermione. You'll never know," said Harry.

"Yes she will," Ron whispered so only Harry could hear him.

"Well, I know that, but we can't let her know that or else everything would be over," whispered Harry. "We can't ruin this, Ron."

"What are you two whispering about?" asked Hermione.

"Nothing, Hermione! Would you keep your nose in your own business?" snapped Ron.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You need anger management, Ron. That and stupidity management as well, because you never keep your mouth shut."

Harry laughed.

"You're one to talk, Hermione."

She glared at him, and Snape began talking.

"All right, everyone. I've written the ingredients to your potion on the board. If you do something wrong I will remove points from your house or use you as a 'stupid example'," he said "stupid example" actually using his fingers for quotes, "and you will be embarrassed in front of your classmates. For some of you," he looked at Neville, "that isn't too hard to do. Now. Get to work. I will be in my office, I will check on you in a few minutes. Don't interrupt me."

On that note, Snape turned around and went into his office, leaving the class to do their work. Sounds of people putting their parchment away (the note-takers) and pulling their cauldrons out swept across the room.

"You know," said Neville, "I'm really trying hard to keep my mouth shut. I'm trying to be courteous enough to not make a fool out of him in front of everybody."

Harry smiled. "Well, he doesn't know that you know, so I would keep that to yourself if I were you."

"No, Neville!" said Hermione, grabbing his hand as he was about to add an ingredient to his potion. "You put that in after you put the snake's eye in." She rolled her eyes. "You could've just blown up the whole class. That would've been a good example."

"Thanks, Hermione," said Neville, turning red. "Wouldn't want to die from something Small Penis gave us."

Harry and Ron laughed, and they both could've sworn they even heard Hermione give off a little giggle.

"Just finish your potion," said Hermione.

***

Voldemort/Mundungus stepped out of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and started walking down the street.

"I have to get used to these petty Muggles," he muttered to himself. "They can't use brooms or anything magic." He sighed. "They always make things so difficult."

He found an alley and went behind it so he could Apparate back to his old house. When he re-entered his house, he called for Wormtail.

"Wormtail!" he shouted. "Get over here!"

Wormtail entered, saw the face of Mundungus, and screamed, dropping the plate he was carrying. The plate shattered, but Wormtail didn't seem to care.

"Get out of here," he said. "Get out! This isn't your house!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "It's me, you fool! Voldemort! My possession plan seems to work a lot better than I thought."

"Voldemort? I'm so sorry, Master! I did not know."

"Be happy I feel forgiving. Now. Did you make the potion I instructed you to make?"

"Y-Yes, sir."

"Good. You are becoming a much better assistant."

"Th-thank you, My Liege."

Voldemort went into the kitchen and sat down. "I feel very weak in this body," he said. "The possession may not last long unless I can convince the people to let me stay in control. If they don't want to die, they won't resist me. But this man...he's very foolish."

Wormtail sat beside him. "Well, why don't you get out of that body?"

"Because I left my other body at Grimmauld Place, and I don't want to go get it. I've hidden it, and you'd have to know the curse to find it." Voldemort breathed. "This man is very foolish!" He slapped his hand on the table. "He'd better hope I don't kill him as soon as I get out of him."

"I hope you don't sir."

"Are you defying me?"

"No, sir! Why would I do something like that? Even I am not that foolish."

"Good, because I am in no mood for stupidity."

"You never are, My Liege, and with good reason."

"Fetch me that potion," said Voldemort, using his hand to point upstairs. "We have some work to do."

***

"OK," said Fred, "this has to work."

They had put about 20 of the love beans in a box and jinxed it to look like a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans box.

"This'll be priceless," said Ron.

"I've put a spell on both of them to come here," said George. "They'll both just drop what they're doing and come, thinking they forgot something. Now, let's go get in the broom cupboard."

They hid in the broom cupboard; they were in the hall by the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. Soon after they hid, Hermione appeared, looking around.

"Oh, Bertie Bott's!" she said. As she picked up the box, Draco came down, wearing -- "What are you wearing?" asked Hermione incredulously.

"Oh," said Draco, looking down. He was wearing skin-tight leather pants and leather suspenders with no shirt on. "I forgot I was wearing this."

Hermione looked down. "Draco! Where did you get that -- that -- thing?"

Ron, George, Fred, and Harry all looked down as well and gasped.

"Oh," said Draco again, smiling. "You like?"

Hermione blushed. "Maybe."

"You have Bertie Bott's?" asked Draco. "You gonna share?"

"Well, I --"

Without letting her finish, he took about 3 Bertie Bott's Beans. She took about the same amount. They looked at each other, then ate them together. An awkward silence fell.

"Hermione," said Draco in a sing-songy voice.

"Draco," said Hermione in the same voice, grabbing about the middle of Draco.

Draco smiled. "You like the feel of that?"

"Yeah," said Hermione. "Big, yet so soft."

Draco closed in and started kissing Hermione. Harry, Ron, Fred, and George looked in disgust.

"I can't believe she just grabbed his -- his -- yuck!" said Ron.

"I guess this works better than we thought," said Fred.

As they progressed, Fred and George remained silent, figuring that Harry and Ron were just as disgusted by this as they were. However, when Draco started to lift up Hermione's shirt, they popped out of the closet.

"OK!" said Fred, startling Hermione and Draco. "Show's over! Draco, put that thing down!" he said, looking down and noticing that Draco had gotten just a bit bigger.

"What are you doing here?" said Hermione, blushing. "Do you want to join us?"

"OK, you guys just took three love beans, you're more in love than you've ever been before! The effects should be wearing off soon --"

"I don't want them to wear off until I've had a piece of you," said Draco, walking up to Fred and rubbing his shoulders.

"Get off of me, Malfoy."

Harry and Ron stepped out, and when Hermione saw them, she went over, but Draco beat her to them.

"Well, well," he said. "If it isn't the hottest people in school. Want a piece of me -- wait a minute! What am I doing? This is disgusting!" He looked at Hermione. "Never get anywhere near me again, you freak!" He looked down at his leather clothes, noticing that he'd gotten bigger just as Fred had noticed. "Nobody knows about this," said Draco, "or there'll be hell to pay!" As soon as he finished saying "pay" he turned and ran down the hall.

"That was messed up," said Hermione, slapping Fred. "I grabbed his penis and you guys think it's funny!"

"Oh, we didn't think it was funny," said George, emerging from the closet. "We actually found the show quite disgusting and you should be disappointed, Hermione."

"Well, it isn't my fault you made all of those beans," said Hermione coolly. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed before I have to grab any other abnormally large objects. Good night."

She walked down the hall and was soon out of sight.

"What kind of advice to you have to give after that little performance?" asked Harry, looking at Fred as though he were stupid.

"Don't take three love jelly beans," said Fred. "After that, take just one and practice with a chick; maybe if you feel love you'll be better. I'm going to bed. Good night."

He left and walked down the all and was soon out of sight as well.

"That was very -- erm -- interesting," said George. "I hope I never see Draco wearing something like that again, I hope Hermione never grabs something like that again in front of me, and I hope I never walk in on them when they're engaging in sexual content. Good night."

He followed Fred and was also soon out of sight.

"I'm going to have nightmares," said Ron. "That was disgusting."

"That was stuffing, that was," said Harry. "Draco is not that big naturally, that's for sure."

"That's not what I was talking about; I really could careless."

"I know, but thinking about it, he cheated. He stuffed. That's why it was soft. If he enjoyed it that much it wouldn't have been soft."

"Harry, this conversation is over."

"I know, it disgusts me, too."

***

The next day Hermione wouldn't talk to anyone except for Ginny. When Ron and Harry tried to talk to her, she just pretended they didn't exist and continued whatever conversation she was having with Ginny.

"She shouldn't be mad at us," said Ron. "It's not are fault she snogged Malfoy."

"Well, she didn't do it willingly, and we watched, so she does kind of have a reason. Don't worry, she'll get over it," said Harry.

"Well, it was all Fred and George's fault! She shouldn't get mad at us. And besides, she's the one who wanted us to get lessons, so she should stop fretting about it already!"

"Ron, chill out, will you? You know as well as I do by the end of the week, Hermione'll be running back to us with the latest gossip."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right. After knowing her all this time, you should know that by now, too. Come on, Ron. Just breathe."

"Done."

"Good."

"So, how long do you think it'll take before Hermione comes around?"

"It might take a while...I don't know, but if you two watched me grab Draco's penis then snog him in the halls, I wouldn't be too happy with you either."

Ron laughed. "If you grabbed Draco's penis and snogged him in the halls, people would get bad ideas about the two of you and your sexuality, so that would be your problem, not mine."

Harry hit him. "I would never grab Draco's fake penis willingly! Not even if my life depended on it, so I don't think we have to worry."

"Too right, we don't. But Fred and George still never gave us kissing lessons."

"I have an idea."

"Oh, great. These days, when people say that, it always ends in disaster."

***

"Istarna, pregoniit, ilomino!" Mundungus' voice boomed through the room.

"I've never heard that spell before, Master," said Wormtail. "Did you come up with it?"

"Yes. All by myself. Just a second."

A couple of seconds later, the spirit of Voldemort left Mundungus' body and turned to face him.

"Mundungus Fletcher," said Voldemort calmly as Mundungus gasped at the sight of Voldemort. "You should really stop defying me, especially if you like your life."

"W-what are you talking about?" asked a shaky Mundungus.

"If you let me stay inside of you, you will keep your life. You will not, however, ruin my plan. Do you understand?"

"Y-Yes."

Voldemort re-entered Mundungus.

"Good. Now you get to keep your life."