- Rating:
- PG-13
- House:
- Schnoogle
- Characters:
- Draco Malfoy Hermione Granger
- Genres:
- Mystery
- Era:
- Multiple Eras
- Spoilers:
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
- Stats:
-
Published: 02/01/2002Updated: 02/01/2002Words: 9,172Chapters: 2Hits: 1,221
Searching for Rosie
Sleather Chonkers
- Story Summary:
- Nothing in this fan fic is sacred. A satire of epic proportions , as the gorgeous Draco Malfoy goes on a dangerous quest to find the teddy bear Rosie! A completely different off the wall tongue in cheek fan fic!
Chapter 01
- Chapter Summary:
- Nothing in this fan fic is sacred. A satire of epic proportions , as the gorgeous Draco Malfoy goes on a dangerous quest to find the teddy bear Rosie!
- Posted:
- 02/01/2002
- Hits:
- 867
Chapter one : Insert random mysterious sounding chapter heading here....(1/?)
It was a quarter past midnight, not actually midnight . Draco assumed that he was already dark and dramatic enough without having to bother with waking up at a certain hour. But, where was Draco at this seemingly ordinary midnight hour? Well he was doing his hair of course... in front of the sparkly mirror, which was propped up on his dressing table. Not many people knew this, but Draco's infamous gorgeous long silvery locks... were actually rather curly. Frowning slightly, his eyes screwed up with concentration he held his ebony comb in one hand and a bottle of Sleek Easy potion in the other. He then squirted a liberal amount into his hand, and smoothed it through his untamed locks before combing them through carefully in a zigzag pattern.
"Everybody needs somebody to love" He sang under his breath searching around in his drawers for his hair net. Eventually he found it nestled amongst his satin boxers and his woolly green socks. He then withdrew it and in a swift proud movement placed it on his head tucking in the stray wisps of silvery blond hair.
"Draco my boy... you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous" he said, after all Draco was anything but vain. He then turned to go back to his green velvet bed and nearly walked into a wall. Actually, no it wasn't a wall walls weren’t dressed in ill-fitting duck printed pyjamas. They didn't make a rumbling noise either."Crabbe... what are you doing up?" Draco demanded, staring upwards. He was met by a rather round, putty-like face with thick curly black hair around it’s ears .Crabbe had given up the pudding base hair cut two years previously ...he was far too terrified of the scissors.
"I ... I lost Rosie!" Crabbe cried, choking on his words. As he spoke, a button popped off his pyjamas from the strain and hit Goyle’s lamp with a high-pitched ‘ping’ noise."Rosie ...oh bloody mudblood, you don't mean that stupid pink teddy bear of yours?" Draco asked and Crabbe sniffed pathetically, his eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed."Crabbe you’re seventeen years old, you don't need a damp piece of cotton to help you sleep at night you great oaf !" Draco snapped irritably."But it's Rosie.. She'll be scared if she's all alone, she won’t be able to sleep" Crabbe cried pathetically and Draco rolled his eyes.
"Are you sure you didn't leave her in here somewhere?" Draco asked, gesturing to the general chaos that was the Slytherins dormitory. The dormitory, unlike that of the Gryffindors, had three very distinctive styles. But as Draco often said, that was because the Gryffindors all had enough personality put together to fill a teaspoon ... and they didn't have the brains or imagination for proper interior decorating. Draco looked around Crabbe's section first; the green hangings on the bed were covered with glow in the dark stars and fairy lights. The bedspread was bright blue with ducks on them, as Crabbe quite liked ducks. The bedside table was the only one with a duck-shaped night light and a few toy trucks. There was also a book ...an incredibly thin picture book with only three words on each page and only ten pages altogether. It had a cover with a rather cheerful looking hippogriff on it, however, despite the fact it would have taken normally only five seconds to read, someone had carefully placed a bookmark between pages two and three.
Draco pointed his wand at the general area and cried out (as quietly as possible) "Accio Rosie”.... nothing happened. Grumbling homicidal thoughts about teddy bears under his breath, Draco continued to search the rest of the dormitory. Goyle’s was next, and Draco felt his stomach clench, he had been friends with Crabbe and Goyle all his life, if you could call them friends. But now he wasn't quite sure whether Goyle wasn't going towards ...the bad. Not that he wasn't bad already; it was standard practice for all Slytherins to have a foot in the shadow . No, this was different. Over the past few years Goyle had become obsessed with muggle warfare. He had large piles of books and magazines on his bedside table and his hangings were covered with netting.
It had of course improved his vocabulary, he was now able to use disembodiment in everyday sentences, but his obsession was still disturbing. Draco had casually peered at some of the books awhile back and it almost made him sick, muggles had ways of killing hundreds of people in one go. They could release bombs that destroyed the whole planet; they had liquid that could burn a person’s skin at 800 degrees..They had ways of keeping a human alive but in extreme pain. Wizards killed each other instantly, no pain and a wizard’s curse could sometimes be reversed...But muggles, Draco was beginning to realize that not only were they stupid they were dangerous. Draco crept around Goyle’s bed uneasily. Goyle just muttered in his sleep and rolled over farting, he was dressed in his usual singlet and army fatigues with a thick woollen cap hiding all his hair. Come to think of it, Draco hadn't seen Goyle’s hair for nearly two years.
"Accio Rosie" he muttered uneasily, but no pink teddy bear popped out its tiny head. Draco sighed with relief and moved onto his section.His section was green. A vibrant, cool and damned sexy green ...Draco's favourite colour of course. The furniture was made of solid and well polished oak and there was a sea trunk at the end of his bed that his great, great grandfather had stolen out of a mermaid’s treasure trove over a hundred years ago. Draco fiddled with the catch and the lid sprang open. After sorting through several parchment notebooks, the dozen or so pairs of leather pants he never actually wore, and a photograph of a certain brown-haired girl, which had been carefully clipped out of the Daily Prophet. Draco sighed defeated."Rosie is not in here, Crabbe. Are you sure you didn't leave her anywhere else?" Draco asked and Crabbe rumbled in the way he did whenever he tried to think.
"I took her to breakfast this morning." He finally said."You took her to breakfast?" Draco asked slowly and deliberately."Well... we were having the pancakes and you know how much Rosie loves pancakes" Crabbe finally said and a metal gearshift twisted in Draco's brain."Of course, she is a bear after all.. and the pancakes did come with honey" Draco said patronising Crabbe."Well Crabbe, you have ruined my nights sleep , so we may as well go look for her. But if we don't find her we are going back to the dormitory" he said firmly and Crabbe briskly shook his head as he tried to put on his own thick woolly dressing gown.
Unlike those hooligan Gryffindors, Draco very rarely left his dormitory at nighttime. He didn't see the point really, the heating charms had usually been turned off and it was a terrible feeling walking across freezing cold flagstones at night. Both Crabbe and Draco crept along the corridors as quietly as possible, well Crabbe thundered along smashing into any thing, including the walls. While Draco crept along keeping his body flattened against the wall.
"Shh" Draco whispered and whisked his compact mirror out of his dressing gown, he whisked it open and a thousand grains of pale luminous powder (used to give his skin that wonderful white pallor) floated onto the stone floor. Draco held the mirror up irritably and put it around the corner."What are you doing?" Crabbe asked sleepily and Draco rolled his eyes."I'm checking for Basilisks you brain dead moron." he snapped."But.. .I thought ...Harry killed the big snake years ago" Crabbe said slowly trying not to anger Draco further.
"Do not mention that name in my presence" Draco hissed slowly and deliberately while narrowing his brooding silver eyes. He turned away from Crabbe and checked the mirror. Much to his disappointment there was nothing... nada ...zip. He expected there to be something at least remotely interesting on his first major nighttime adventure. Well now that he looked closely there was something... huddled up on the dingy staircase that led up to the library. It was moving slightly, it was also fluffy and rather pink."Erm ...Crabbe, how big is Rosie?" Draco asked.
"She fits in my arm" Crabbe said proudly."Oh well that's a relief... then who’s that ? " Draco asked gesturing to the reflection in his mirror."Erm......a girl?" Crabbe asked and Draco peered at the reflection. Crabbe was right, it was a girl ... her chest rose in and out as she breathed and Draco felt his heart pound slightly. Despite the fact he was easily one of the sexiest men at Hogwarts the female sex tended to elude him surprisingly. They all avoided him like the plague, and they all followed that damned scruffy Potter who couldn't even tie up his shoelaces properly. How ever, a girl asleep ...alone ...on a Hogwarts stair well did have it's appeals . Draco closed the compact with an impressive snap and stepped closer. She was hunched over snoozing gently and he could make out a thick leather book in her arms.
"Who on earth would fall asleep on a stair well in the middle of the night clutching a book?" Draco asked." Granger" Crabbe said promptly."Who?" Draco asked and Crabbe thought for a moment."You know Hermione Granger, that mud blood you used to make fun of all the time before you started picking on Pansy" Crabbe blurted out trying to sound intelligent."Oh..Granger" Draco said waving his hand dismissively , he hadn't spoken to Granger after that incident in the hospital during their fifth year. After he helped that conniving speckled four-eyed bastard and he didn't even get a snap of gratitude. He didn’t need to help people you know, he wasn't like that lousy bastard who did good things out of habit. It was hard for Draco and the least they could have said before riding off into a monochromatic sun set was thank you.
"That can’t be Granger.... she’s to well ,too big in certain area's " Draco answered. He still remembered Hermione as being a skinny fourteen year old girl after all. It hurt too much to look at them now, after everything that bastard did."What areas?" Crabbe asked and Draco remembered that in certain aspects Crabbe was a very innocent person."I'll tell you when you get older, for now step over her ...not onto her ,we have to go up a floor to reach the great hall" Draco said carefully as Crabbe nodded his head."No Crabbe stop nodding and focus... are you focusing ? " Draco asked and Crabbe tried to look intelligent."Right! Do not, and I repeat do not step on the girl. Have you got that?" Draco asked firmly and Crabbe stopped nodding."Do not step on the girl "he repeated firmly and Draco nodded, the two of them then walked up the stair case and then carefully edged their way around the sleeping female."She's rather tall, I mean long.. .Do you think she's in our year?" Draco asked peering down at the girl as they edged past.
"It’s Granger" Crabbe said carefully following his instructions."For the last time it is not Granger!" Draco snapped forgetting to keep quite. The girl stirred in her sleep and as her arm moved she knocked into Crabbe who immediately tripped over his feet and like an avalanche fell strait onto Draco. Draco with a mixture of shock and anger crashed disorientated onto the staircase.
"Thank goodness , I landed on something soft" he muttered before opening his eyes." AIIIIRRREEEEEEEE !!!!!!!! ” a voice screamed at the top of its lungs. Draco's eyes snapped open and he found that he was staring at a pair of vibrating tonsils."Fricken mudbloods ! " he screamed jumping back his heart beating in his chest. He found him self-staring at the face of the mysterious girl and she was staring back. She looked, in Draco's opinion absolutely beautiful.
" I'm ...I'm so sorry" he said and to his extreme surprise he felt extremely nervous. She looked at him with vaguely familiar hazel eyes; her chocolate coloured hair had been pulled back in a thick braid down her back." Draco?" She asked questionably her eyes furrowing up with concentration."I haven't seen you since...” she said and Draco raised a silvery eyebrow, he actually knew this girl!" I'm sorry.... go back to sleep this is all a dream" he quaked stumbling up on his feet. The girl looked up at him and he realized he looked frightfully stupid in his green silk dressing gown and hair net."Crabbe! Wait up” he managed to cry pounding up the steps after his friend.
"Draco I don't see Rosie and I think she'll be scared all alone in the dark" Crabbe cried as they lumbered along the stairs." Hey, I don't remember the stairs being this high up" Draco commented as they both jumped over the invisible trick step."I don't remember a life with out Rosie" Crabbe sniffed pathetically." So that girl...she was cute wasn't she?" Draco commented in general."Not as cute as Rosie, although she was rather fluffy and pink" Crabbe answered and Draco rolled his eyes."Crabbe, have you ever actually been with a girl?" he asked and Crabbe turned his head.'I sit next to Pansy all the time in potions" he answered.
"That's not what I meant Crabbe, I mean you know have you ever been in love with a girl" Draco asked, there was silence from Crabbe as they continued to walk up the steps."Is love that feeling when you really like a girl, more then chocolate and hitting people?" he asked."Well yes. I suppose so,” Draco said trying to think like Crabbe."And is love that feeling when you think a girls really pretty, and you don't want to pull her hair?" Crabbe asked as they finally reached the stairs landing."In your case most definitely” Draco said stepping off the last step."Are you in love Draco?" Crabbe asked with child like innocence.
"No or course not, don't be ridiculous" Draco answered, although he knew he was lying to himself. He knew exactly who the girl on the staircase was, although he would never admit it to himself let alone think of her name." When we get back to the dormitory I'm burning those news paper clippings" Draco said firmly."What clipping?" Crabbe asked."Nothing imbecile" Draco snapped as they reached the doors leading to the great hall. Draco was about to proudly slam the doors back but stopped when he heard voices... male voices. Draco pressed his ear to the door and heard mutterings, the sort of sickly sweet mutterings that strictly belonged to bad fan fiction."Oh bloody Hufflepuffs" Draco muttered.
"What?" Crabbe asked, and Draco walked away as briskly as possible."Believe me Crabbe if your beloved Rosie was in there, her eyes have most definitely and permanently been soiled to say the least" Draco said." But..But Rosie" Crabbe cried desperately."SHHH!" Draco cried furiously flicking back the sleeves of his dressing gown."Do you want those two love birds to hear us? They might think we were listening in!" Draco cried stamping his foot.
"Now think Crabbe, where else could you have left Rosie?" he asked and Crabbe thought for a moment."She might have fallen out when you told me to punch Collin Creevey in the astronomy tower this afternoon" Crabbe answered and Draco nodded, he had a strict list of people that his two goons needed to beat up every day, after all he was a tyrant."Fine! Onto the astronomy tower” Draco cried dramatically pointing towards the next stair well.
"One hundred and twenty two, one hundred and twenty three" Crabbe muttered slowly under his breath his brow furrowed up with concentration."Crabbe what are you doing?" Draco asked tiredly."Counting steps" Crabbe replied cheerfully hopping up onto the next one."Yes I gathered that, but why?" Draco asked."I'm bored" was Crabbe's simple answer , before Draco had a chance to question this logic a bellowing voice stopped him.
"What ho old chap? Why art thou stalking the towers during the waning moon hours?" a rather skinny 16th century portrait of William Shakespeare asked sounding slightly drunk." We are looking for a teddy bear, a pink one" Draco replied dryly."What is this thou speaks from thy rouge tongue ? I do not understand thy speech noble sir! " the portrait bellowed back and Draco whipped his wand out pointing it at the canvas."Look , just let us pass with out informing any of the professors. Unless you want your next play to be filled with a lot of hey nonny nonny and a big bulls Dick" Draco snarled baring his white teeth. It was a well-known fact that there was a werewolf in the Malfoy ancestry . Although it was so long ago , that the only after affects were that three days out of the month Malfoys suffered from mood swings, cramps and a general feeling of being to big for their bodies.
" Come away then, come away" the portrait cried dramatically and then sniffed peering down at Crabbe."He just did a fart!" he said finishing his line with a beat of humour."It must have been the cabbage I had for dinner " Crabbe said apologetically as they passed the portrait."Well now that we've past the nutter in the doublet we can assume that we are only a few moments away from the astronomy tower." Draco commented as they began to feel a gentle breeze blowing at their hair. As they opened the door they heard the distinct sound of some one scuffling around and then sitting down.
" I suggest you cover your eyes Crabbe, unless you want your child like innocence to be ruined" Draco drawled as he opened the door. Almost immediately the two teenagers were greeted with a cold winters wind that very nearly whipped Draco’s hair net off , much to his anger. There was some one there , trying desperately to look inconspicuous over a textbook. However the lighted scented candles and the two champagne glasses tended to show his true intentions.
"Well well well, it looks like some ones planning a little tea party on school property" Draco drawled kicking aside several bottles of butter beer."Draco" a voice said plainly and the figure looked up, a face that was haggard and pale, with grey moon shadows under his green eyes."Potter" Draco snapped calmly although he felt his heart beat unusually fast."What are you doing here?" Harry asked tiredly and Draco was momentarily surprised by his politeness."We are looking for a teddy bear, about this high and a dusky rose shade of pink." Draco said moving his hands."A teddy bear?" Harry asked making sure he had heard right."Her names Rosie" Crabbe said helpfully, and a little sadly."What are you doing here Potter?" Draco asked smoothly and Harry's ragged cheeks flushed slightly."I'm meeting some one actually" he said and Draco’s eyes fell on the butter beer, the glasses and what looked suspiciously like rose petals."Mills and Boons called Potter, they want there plot back" Draco sneered and Harry raised and eye brow."Pansy reads them, don’t ask" Draco said sternly and then nodded towards Crabbe. Crabbe obediently began lumbering around the tower searching for his teddy bear."So who’s the lucky boy, oh sorry I mean girl?" Draco grinned sardonically and Harry narrowed his eyes."Girl actually" he said firmly and Draco pretended to act surprise."That poor little lap dog Ronnikins of yours will be heart broken" Draco sighed and Harry just snorted."This is coming from the git wandering the halls dressed in a silk dressing gown and a hair net" he replied and Draco’s eyes narrowed coldly."Unlike you Potter some of us prefer not to look like we woke up in a birds nest" he replied smoothly crossing to where Crabbe was heaving a Gargoyle aside."I doubt that Rosie is under a piece of solid granite." Draco said gently moving Crabbe's arm."Potter is this girl you’re referring to damned sexy with a fluffy pink bath robe and gorgeous hazel eyes?" Draco asked leaning against the parapet."Well she does wear a fluffy pink bath robe, her mum got it for her for Christmas you see" Harry admitted reluctantly."Well Harry, it seems that your girlfriend prefers to sleep on the stairs rather then talk to you" Draco smiled and Harry shot him a suspicious look."She's sleeping?" he asked and Crabbe turned away from where he had been successfully lifting up a waterspout."Are you talking about that girl Draco? the one we found on the stairs?" He asked slowly and Harry looked at them both his eyes going wide."Shit" he muttered running towards the astronomy tower's exit.
"Butter beer?" Draco asked picking up one of the chilled bottles, Crabbe just nodded his eyes slightly red rimmed and the two boys sipped on there butterbeer, in comfortable silence."When are we going to look for Rosie Draco?" Crabbe asked and Draco sighed pulling off his hair net."Tomorrow Crabbe , definitely tomorrow" he answered sipping down the warm sweet liquid.