Utter Drivel

"This is ridiculous," Draco Malfoy proclaimed in a superior voice, holding up a sheaf of parchment. "I refuse to believe that anyone would entertain the thought of me in leather trousers."

This statement elicited gales of laughter from the Gryffindors, who were sitting amongst various stacks of magically bonded parchment on the floor of the Room of Requirement.

"It's okay, Draco," Pansy said with a smirk. "Everyone knows you look horrible in them."

"Yeah," Ginny agreed. "Your bum has no substance whatsoever."

"I happen to have a very nice bum," Draco sniffed. "Just because I've never let you see it is no reason to start insulting me."

"No, we have plenty of other reasons to do that," Ron put in, earning him a dark glare from the Slytherin Prince.

They were distracted, however, by a snort of laughter coming from the person of Ginny Weasley. When she looked up to find the eyes of the entire room on her, she grinned and held up the parchment she was holding as explanation.

"Listen to this one," she said laughingly. "Ahem...As Ginny looked deeply into his molten silver eyes, one thought permeated her passion-fogged brain: He had called her 'Ginevra.'" She gave another bark of laughter. "As if Malfoy's use of my first name would send me into a frenzy of passion."

"A frenzy?" Malfoy echoed, glancing at her with raised eyebrows. The effect was ruined by his abrupt ducking to avoid a pillow thrown, with a surprisingly strong arm, by the youngest Weasley.

"That's not as bad as some of the things they write about Hermione and I," Harry said, sorting through the sheaves of parchment to find the one he was looking for. He then searched down the page until he found a specific passage.

"Here...Harry wondered exactly how he had missed the fact that Hermione had grown into quite a beautiful young woman. He suddenly realized what he'd been overlooking for the past six years, and vowed to correct that mistake." He shook his head. "I'm never very bright in these stories."

"You're never very bright in real life, either," Draco said. Harry evidently chose to ignore that statement, continuing his tirade on the idiocy of the muggles.

"I mean, really. If I was going to fall desperately in love with Hermione, don't you think I would have realized that before sixth year? Or am I just an idiot, in which case why would Hermione want me anyway?"

"Well, at least some of the stuff about us is plausible," Ginny said with a shrug. "At least in that respect. I didn't get hardly any notice until the fifth book."

"Sorry, Ginny," Harry said. "You were just kind of quiet."

"Unable to form understandable at all when you were present, more like," Ginny corrected. "But quiet works, too."

"I think the most canonical stories are about Draco and I," Pansy said. "But that's only because no one knows much about the Slytherins, except that Draco and I seem to be the leaders."

"Yes, it's always, 'Pansy and her group of Slytherin girls,' or, 'Draco and a crowd of Slytherins,'" Draco said with disgust. "We have to take the heat for what our entire house does."

"Well, that's not entirely true," Ginny said. "Well, the part about you two being the leaders is, but not the part about the most canonical ship."

"Who's that, then?" Ron asked.

"Funny you should ask, Ron," Ginny said with a mischievous grin. "Harry, please show him."

"I would be honored," Harry said, laying his hands on a particularly thick manuscript. "Allow me to present...Hermione Granger and the Beginning of the End, by Ann Margaret."

"Now, she's quite excellent," Pansy commended. "Draco's very slimy and in character in her stories."

"This is very true," Draco said with a nod. "Although I have to object to the use of the adjective slimy. I am not slimy."

"Evil?" Pansy amended questioningly.

"That's better," Draco said.

"Can I get on with this?" Harry asked. "I'd like to get in enough 'Embarrass Ron' moments to tide me over until Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out."

"Go ahead," Draco said graciously.

"Here's my favorite part," Harry said, glancing at Ron with a particularly malicious look. "May I present...His hand had dropped unconsciously on her shoulder, and the heat was seeping right through her muscles and bones. It was becoming quite easy not to make any noise, because she was hardly breathing--he was standing really close to her.

Like I said," Harry concluded. "Truly excellent."

Ron and Hermione were both looking rather put out. Well, embarrassed beyond all belief would be more accurate.

"That's just insane," Hermione said indignantly. "Why everyone thinks Ron and I are going to get together is beyond me."

"Yeah," Ron added rather unoriginally.

"It's like you said about yourself," Hermione went on. "If Ron was desperately in love with me, wouldn't he have noticed before now?"

"That's just the point, Granger," Pansy said. "Everyone thinks that he does already know. He's just uncertain of how to tell you. Oh, and you're apparently in love with him, too."

Hermione rolled her eyes, whilst Ron muttered things in which the words utterly insane were predominantly featured. Everyone else just smirked knowingly.

"Well, all that nonsense known as slash is ludicrous," Ginny said. "I mean, we all know Harry is straight, even if we aren't totally sure about Malfoy."

"Hey!" Draco said. "I am completely straight, thank you very much. Although I'm not with Granger, no matter what anyone says."

Hermione tore herself away from vehemently denying under her breath that she and Ron were romantically involved in any way to reply to Draco's statement.

"That's right," she said. "All this Leather and Libraries idiocy has left logic behind."

"And most of it is rather badly written, too," Draco added, turning to grab yet another piece of parchment. "Listen to this drivel...Draco looked in astonishment at Hermione (and since when had she become Hermione to him, instead of Granger?), and wondered why he hadn't noticed the innocence and purity shining through her eyes. She had an untouched quality about her that tugged oddly at Draco's cold heart."

"Any use of parentheses implies that the author isn't clever enough to work what needs to be said into their actual sentence," Hermione was quick to point out. "Malfoy," she added, "why are you staring at me?"

"I'm trying to see the innocence and purity shining redundantly through your eyes," Draco told her, staring intently at her. "I'm not seeing anything of the sort."

"Can things like that really shine through someone's eyes?" Ron enquired. "I haven't noticed."

"You don't notice much of anything, Ron," Ginny said sarcastically. Ron glared at her.

"You can stop staring now, Malfoy," Hermione said, squirming uncomfortably.

"You have a spot on your nose, Granger," Draco informed her nonchalantly. "I thought you might like to know."

Hermione stuck her tongue out at him, but Draco just smirked.

"What's with this, anyway?" Ron asked, holding up yet another piece of parchment. Pansy snatched it from him, perusing the contents rapidly.

"It looks like we're snogging," she said. "In a rather vividly described way, of course." She paused, then looked up at Ron with an astonished glance. "Wow, Ron, can you actually do that with your tongue?"

Ron couldn't hold back a snigger. "I could probably try, now that I've got the instruction booklet."

Pansy rolled her eyes. "Not with me, you won't."

"Hell no," Ron agreed in a slightly scandalized voice.

"Note the trees," Ginny said suddenly. Harry grinned at her.

"Been reading the boards again?" he asked.

"Just that one," Ginny said. "I was curious, I admit it. What can I say? I believe in trees."

"I'm rather fond of the Orange Crush thread, myself," Harry offered. "It's interesting to hear what the muggles say about us."

"Yeah," Ginny agreed. "They've almost got me convinced." Harry proceeded to inch slowly away from her, amid laughter from the others.

"Don't worry," she assured him. "I have no plans to jump you in the near future."

Harry let out an exaggeratedly relieved sigh. "Thank Godric."

"I'm fond of the OC/OC thread, actually," Hermione said. "Especially the ones about everyone's children."

"Yes," Harry said. "Ginny's and my children are always the coolest kids on the planet, in addition to being extremely powerful."

"That's because we're wicked ace," Ginny exclaimed, and proceeded to high-five Harry, who participated with enthusiasm. Everyone else rolled their eyes.

"Malfoy's offspring are always malicious and snarky, but not totally evil," Ron said. "I wonder why that is?"

"Don't even get me started on yours and Hermione's kids," Draco warned. "They should all have bushy brown hair, buck teeth and freckles, yet they all turn out to be extremely, ridiculously good-looking."

"I have good genes," Ron said with a shrug. "I can't help it." Hermione nodded emphatically.

"I won't even deign that with a response," Draco said airily.

"But...you responded," Ginny pointed out.

"Sod off, Weasley," Draco said with a glare. "You're just jealous of my great hair."

"Yes, I admit it," Ginny said. "Although, if I spent as much time on my hair as you do on yours, I could look better than you."

Draco sniffed, and didn't grace her with a reply.

"Ew," Ron said, holding a piece of parchment distastefully between forefinger and thumb, holding it well away from his person as if it would soil him.

"What?" Pansy asked.

"Crabbe and Millicent Bulstrode," Ron said tightly, turning faintly green. "Vividly."

"EW!" the assembled teenagers chorused.