The Epically Bad Tale of Squeaky and Ferret

Act One, Scene One - Pointlessness

Ginny: I love you, Colin.

Colin: I love you, too, Gin.

Ginny: *Eye roll* It's Gin-ny, two syllables, I know you can do it.

Colin: But it's my special nickname for you!

Ginny: Ron calls me 'Gin.'

Colin: Good point.

Dean: *Brandishes expensive-looking sword* Anyone want to be a knight of the Half Blood Prince?

Colin: Oh, me!

Ginny: What?

Dean: *Brushes dirt off his royal robes* I said, "Anyone want to be a knight of the Half Blood Prince?"

Fbf: I do, I do! *Bows to the Half Blood Prince*

Dean: *Looks very royal, have I mentioned?*

Orla: You know, Dean, you look hot in royal purple robes...

HMS Royal Roots: YAY!

H/Hr Shippers: *Whispering among themselves* *Evil-ish plotting*

Cedric Diggory: *Eyes them suspiciously*

Siofra: How did you guys get here?

H/Hr Shippers: *Look innocent*

Siofra: *Sigh* Well, you know what that means.

Seren Quirke: Gratuitous Ron/Hermione snogging?

Siofra: Yes!

Ron and Hermione: *Snog like mad*

HMS Burning Pumpkins: YAY!

Colin: Isn't this Epically Bad Tale about me?

Siofra: Sorry, mate, got distracted.

Act One, Scene Two - The Hallway

Colin: I'm just innocently strolling down this hallway...

Hermione: Past curfew, you bad boy.

Colin: I'm a prefect, remember?

Hermione: *Is confused* When did this happen?

Siofra: *Clears her throat* At the start of your sixth year, Colin and Ginny were made prefects.

Hermione: They were? I thought...

Siofra: They were because I say they were. Go snog Ron and leave Colin alone, you bushy-haired wench!

Hermione: *Runs away*

H/Hr Shippers: *Are pouting*

Cedric: *Pets flamethrower in a manner disturbingly like Gollum and the One Ring* My precious...

Siofra: *Arms herself with a leaf blower*

H/Hr Shippers: *Run away*

Colin: Just innocently strolling through the hallway, that's me!

*Banging noises are heard from a deserted classroom*

Mantolwen: Has anyone else noticed the sheer number of deserted classrooms at Hogwarts? I mean, you'd think they'd do something useful with them, if there are that many.

Everyone: *Shrugs*

Seren: This is fanfiction, after all.

Act One, Scene Three - The Betrayal

Colin: I wonder what those banging noises coming from that deserted classroom could be.

Everyone Else: *Groans*

Fbf: What do you think they are, smart one?

Colin: I'll check it out. *Opens the door*

Harry and Ginny: *Are snogging on the teacher's desk*

Colin: Gin! I thought you loved me!

Ginny: Harry doesn't shorten my name any more than it's already shortened. He understands me. Plus, he's the hero and I'm the heroine, so it's fate.

H/Hr Shippers: Isn't Hermione the heroine?

Siofra: *Gestures magnanimously* Cedric, after you.

Cedric: *Flames them with his flamethrower*

H/Hr Shippers: *Run away*

Siofra: Hermione's the sidekick, you imbeciles!

Harry: *Flipping through his dictionary* Magnanimously...M...

Colin: Back to me, if you please.

Siofra and Cedric: Sorry.

Colin: You have wronged me, Gin!

Ginny: Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and jump off it.

Colin: *Storms off in high umbrage*

Harry: *More frantic flipping of dictionary pages* Umbrage...U...

Act Two, Scene One - Of Angst and Cold Hands

Colin: *Is weeping desperately*

Draco Malfoy: *Is also weeping desperately*

Colin: What's the matter with you?

Draco: *Sniffs* Hermione...she doesn't love me! She has run off with that redheaded Weasel.

Burning Pumpkins: No duh!

H/Hr Shippers: *Grumble*

Siofra: *Starts up the leaf blower and blows them all away*

H/Hr Shippers: EEEK!

Colin: Gin doesn't love me!

Draco: We must get back at them! But how...

Colin: Let's join the Death Eaters!

Draco: Why?

Colin: 'Cause it'll be really angst-ish.

Draco: Good point. Let me get this convenient portkey out that will take us directly to the Death Eater headquarters!

Colin: Where'd you get that?

Draco: Father, of course.

Colin: Have you ever used it?

Draco: No. Salazar preserve me, it's not worth the mental anguish.

Colin: What's so bad about Death Eater Headquarters?

Draco: They're sick and twisted.

Colin: Well, they are Death Eaters. Isn't that their job?

Draco: *Shakes his head* Poor innocent little...what did you say your name was?

Colin: Colin Creevey.

Draco: Didn't Hermione throw you at Ron's head once?

Colin: I don't like to think about that. It was too scarring. Let's go see He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named instead.

Draco: Right ho!

Portkey: All aboard for Death Eater Headquarters! Hey, you with the ferret face, don't put your finger there, you're cold.

Colin: That's one weird portkey.

Draco: And so it begins...

Mantolwen: That was vaguely ominous.

Siofra: I'm scared.

Fbf: Hold me, someone!

Seren: Gotta go, Metro!Harry's waiting for me in the closet.

Act Two, Scene Two - Headquarters

Colin and Draco: *Appear in a puff of glittery smoke*

Portkey: Thank you for riding Burning Pumpkins Express, have a sick and twisted day!

H/Hr Shippers: So what, even the Death Eaters support Ron/Hermione?

Siofra: Yes. Now sod off, before I set Cedric on you.

H/Hr Shippers: *Run away*

Colin: *Brushes glitter out of his hair* Are portkeys supposed to do that?

Draco: This is a special portkey.

Lucius Malfoy: *Runs by in purple spandex* I'm the King of the World!

Colin: *Creaky cartoon eyebrow-raising noise* What in the world...

Draco: I told you this place was sick and twisted.

Voldemort: *Runs by in pink tights* I am so late for my ballet lesson!

Colin: What?!

Voldemort: *Stops* Hello, Draco, nice to see you. Who's the little person?

Colin: I'm vertically challenged.

Draco: This is Colin. He and I want to join the Death Eaters.

Voldemort: *Shrugs* Alright then. Let's make this quick, I'm late for a very important meeting.

Colin and Draco: *Exchange looks, but don't say anything*

Voldemort: *Clears throat* Alright, are you loyal to the cause, want to kill muggles, like fluffy bunnies, etcetera?

Colin: Sure.

Draco: I'm in.

Voldemort: *Searches in his bright pink, glittery tote bag* Where did I put it?

Nott: *Walks up carrying a pumpkin pie* Lord Voldemort, your daily pie throwing is nigh.

H/Hr Shippers: Pumpkin Pie? That's wrong!

Siofra: Say it with me now: Sick and Twisted. Cedric, if you would.

Cedric: *Does a drive-by flaming* *Runs his car through a wall and out into the wild blue yonder*

Siofra: I wish he wouldn't do that. I may need him later.

Voldemort: Yes, yes, hold on just one teensy second, Nott. I'm doing an initiation. *Takes something out of his tote bag* Ah, yes, here it is. Where do you want it, boys? The usual place is on the left forearm, but if you want it somewhere a bit more discreet I could make an exception.

Draco: What?

Voldemort: Your dark mark, sillies.

Colin: *Examining what Voldemort pulled out of his tote bag* The dark mark is a henna tattoo?

Voldemort: You don't think I'd permanently mar this beautiful skin, do you?

Colin and Draco: *Shrug*

Act Two, Scene Three - The Mission

Voldemort: Now that you are proper Death Eaters - oxymoron that may be - I have a mission for you.

Colin: What is it?

Voldemort: Oh, I almost forgot! You need codenames.

Draco: Codenames?

Voldemort: Yes, silly. So that everyone doesn't know who you are. Secrecy and all, right?

Draco: If you say so.

Voldemort: Okay, Draco, you will be...Ferret.

Draco: *Groans* Did everyone hear about that?

Voldemort: *Titters* Yes, Bartemius Jr. told me about it. He was such a creative man, before the dementors sucked out his soul.

Draco: *Bangs his head against things*

Voldemort: Colin, you will be Squeaky.

Colin: Squeaky?

Voldemort: Do not question me. I haven't had my Prozac today.

Colin: *Mutters* Squeaky...What have I gotten myself into?

Voldemort: Now for your mission.

Draco: Which is?

Voldemort: I want you to go back to school, and sabotage the budding relationship of Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

Burning Pumpkins: *In shock*

H/Hr Shippers: *Cackle evilly*

Colin: What?

Voldemort: Think about it. If you sabotage the Ron/Hermione relationship, and even encourage a Harry/Hermione relationship, the Burning Pumpkins people will spontaneously combust. And then there will be no more of these Epically Bad Tales. Which will be good for all of us characters.

H/Hr Shippers: And us, too.

Colin: *Aside to Draco* You know, he has a point.

Draco: We'll do it. Then I'll get to be with my darling Hermione!

Colin: No, Harry will.

Draco: Rats.

Mantolwen: No, ferrets.

Draco: Shut up!

Colin: We will do as you ask, Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort: Oh, please call me Voldie. Everyone does.

Act Three, Scene One - Back at School

Ron: You're such a bossy know-it-all!

Colin: *Into a secret headset* It's all going according to plan.

Hermione: You're lazy, and you don't care about anything but Quidditch!

Draco: *From the other side of the room* I've got Harry in place.

Harry: *Is tied up and gagged next to Draco*

Ron: I do so care about other things beside Quidditch!

Hermione: Like what?

Ron: *Quietly* You.

Hermione: What did you say?

Colin: Mayday! Mayday!

Draco: *Tackles Ron* He said food!

Ron: I did not, I said -

Draco: *Claps a hand over Ron's mouth* Hermione, why do you bother fighting with him? He's just an annoying prat.

Hermione: *Angrily* You are right! I'm leaving! *Stomps off*

Colin and Draco: *High five each other*

Ron: Malfoy! Get off me!

Burning Pumpkins: *Weep*

H/Hr Shippers: *Stick their tongues out, make faces, do other annoying things*

Cedric: *Looks at his flamethrower, but hasn't the heart to do anything*

Siofra and fbf: *Cry into each other's shoulders*

Mantolwen and Rianna: *Sniff* Why? What did we do to them?

Seren: I feel sad. Methinks I should go snog Metro!Harry.

Act Three, Scene Two - More Sabotage

Ron and Hermione: *Make up their fight* *Hugging is involved*

Burning Pumpkins: *Breath simultaneous sighs of relief*

Colin: *Into his headset* Ferret, this is Squeaky, come in.

Draco: Reading you loud and clear. What's the SitRep?

Colin: We got a code purple here, Ferret, any suggestions?

Draco: Let's throw a little cold water on them.

Colin: I know that, but what should we do?

Draco: No. Literal cold water.

Colin: Right ho! *Shoots Ron and Hermione with squirt guns*

Ron and Hermione: *Yell and stop hugging*

Colin: Situation avoided, Ferret. This is Squeaky, over and out.

Ron and Hermione: *Go upstairs to change clothes*

Fbf and Rianna: *Look heartened*

Siofra: Not together.

Fbf and Rianna: Darn.

Act Three, Scene Three - A New Wrinkle

Filch: I'm the new DADA teacher.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny: WHY?

Siofra: Because I stole the idea from fbline.

Filch: As such, I will now hand out random detentions. Potter, your shoes are muddy, detention with Snape! Weasley girl, ditto! Weasley boy, you're looking at me funny, detention in a deserted classroom with no supervision! Granger, ditto!

Colin: *Into his headset* Ferret, this is Squeaky, we have a code puce!

Draco: *Says unprintable words*

H/Hr Shippers: Can Filch do that? Siofra, we don't think he can.

Siofra: I am saving Ron and Hermione's relationship, don't start with me. Cedric!

Cedric: *Administers the recommended daily dose of flame to the H/Hr shippers*

Burning Pumpkins: *Cheer*

Act Three, Scene Four - The Detention

Ron: Here we are, Hermione.

Hermione: Just innocently in this deserted classroom, alone together.

Mantolwen: And has anyone noticed -

Everyone Else: We know!

Ron: You know, Hermione, I've always admired your determination.

Hermione: Ron, I've always admired your Quidditch skills.

Colin: *Hiding behind a curtain* Ferret, this is Squeaky, code organdy!

Draco: *Hiding behind a giant mirror* They're complimenting each other? No way! This is Ron and Hermione!

Colin: Isn't that why we made this code organdy? Because we thought we'd never have to use it?

Draco: !#*&@($

H/Hr Shippers: We feel your pain, Draco.

Ron and Hermione: *Looking at each other in a soppy fashion*

Colin: Code beige, Ferret, we have a code beige!

Draco: *Stamps his foot*

Ron: What was that?

Draco: Oops.

Hermione: I dunno. Let's go see.

Ron: This is the weirdest detention ever.

Hermione: What is this?

Ron: A giant mirror.

Colin: Oh, (&@#, Ferret, we've got a code...a code...it's the !&#*^@ Mirror of Erised!

Draco: No!

Hermione: It's just a piece of glass that shows our reflections.

H/Hr Shippers: *Screech in anguish*

Burning Pumpkins: *High five each other and exchange relieved hugs all around*

Ron: Wait a second. This is the -

Draco: *Runs out from behind the mirror and tackles Ron* Squeaky, we've got a code chartreuse! You know what to do! *Stuns Ron and drags him out of the room*

Hermione: What on earth...

Siofra: That's cheating, Malfoy!

Fbf: Bring Ron back right now!

Siofra: Cedric, Mantolwen, Rianna, go get Ron! The rest of us will try to subvert whatever Colin's going to do!

Cedric, Mantolwen and Rianna: *Run after Draco*

Colin: I give you...HARRY!

Harry: *Runs into the room* I got a note that said to meet Ginny here...er...I mean, hello, Hermione.

Hermione: *Raises eyebrows* Ginny?

Harry: You misheard. I said, "I want to watch My Cousin Vinny."

Hermione: *Un-raises eyebrows*

Colin: You have a cousin named Vinny?

Harry: It's a muggle movie. So, what's going on.

Colin: Harry, come stand in front of this mirror with Hermione.

Seren: *Placing bets with the H/Hr Shippers*

Harry: Dude, how weird. You look like Ginny in this mirror, Hermione.

Hermione: And you look like Ron.

Colin and the H/Hr Shippers: NNNOOOOO!!!!

Seren: *Collects money from the H/Hr Shippers*

Colin: *Into his headset* Ferret, this is Squeaky, we have a code teal!

Draco: *Very loudly over the headset* NNNOOO!

Colin: *Begins to weep* We've failed our master!

Draco: No we haven't. Not yet. We still have Ron.

Colin: We can do terrible things to him!

Draco: And Hermione will be sad!

Colin: And Harry will comfort her!

Draco: And Ginny will get mad and run away!

Colin: And Ron will never come back!

Draco: And Harry and Hermione will get married!

Colin: It will be so angst-ish!

Cedric, Mantolwen and Rianna: *Run back into the room*

Siofra: *Picks up her leaf blower*

Cedric: *Grabs his flamethrower*

Rianna: *Gets her crowbar*

Mantolwen: *Picks up her spork*

Seren: *Grabs a chainsaw*

Fbf: *Is holding sticks of dynamite and matches*

Siofra: Not if we have anything to say about it.

Colin: *Into the headset* Ferret, this is Squeaky, do you copy?

Draco: Copy that, Squeaky, what's up?

Colin: We have a code alabaster.

Draco: @*$&%

Act Four, Scene One - Headquarters Again

Lucius: I'm singing in the rain! Just singing in the rain!

Nott: What a glorious feeling!

Crabbe: I'm happy again!

Lucius, Nott, and Crabbe: *Do a dance number with lots of high kicks*

Draco and Colin: *Appear with Ron unconscious between them*

Portkey: Thank you for riding the Burning Pumpkins Express, have a mad and scary day!

Death Eaters: *Glare at the portkey*

Portkey: I'm getting some seriously bad vibes from you people.

Draco: Father...are you doing the can-can?

Lucius: *Stops dancing* Nooo....

Rianna: *Appears in the doorway with her crowbar* Unhand the Weasley, you fiends of the night!

Draco: *Pulls out a sword* You want him? Come and claim him!

Rianna: *Pauses* Did you just quote Lord of the Rings?

Draco: *Brandishes sword* That matters not, plebian! Do you think you can possibly beat me in a duel?

Rianna: I don't have to.

Draco: Wha?

Dean: I will fight you! *Throws aside his purple cape* Do you think you can compete with I, the Half Blood Prince?

Draco: The question is, can you compete with me?

Draco and Dean: *Swordfight* *Lots of clanging noises*

Colin: *Goes up behind Dean and hits him over the head with Ron*

Dean: *Goes unconscious*

Draco: *Bows dramatically towards Dean's prone form* Thank you for the honor of opposing you, my prince.

Colin: Sometimes, Draco, I think you're gay.

Draco: I am not gay!

Colin: Prove it!

Draco: *Snogs Rianna* So there!

Rianna: *Is all starry-eyed*

Colin: *Looks at Rianna thoughtfully* Hello?

Draco: *Waves a hand in front of her face*

Rianna: *Remains still, a look of rapturous delight upon her face*

Colin: *Pokes her* I think you're on to something, Draco. If we want to disable our enemies, you can just suss them down.

Cedric: EW!

Colin: We may just have to kill Cedric the regular way.

Burning Pumpkins: *All rush in, hair a-flying and eyes a-flashing*

Colin: They seem to have expanded.

Siofra: I called in the reinforcements.

Rita: *Hefts a spear to her shoulder*

Sirigorn: *Strings a bow and arrow*

Fbf: Leggo my eggo...I mean, let Ron go!

Draco: *Brandishes his sword* I challenge you all to a duel!

Cedric: *Flames Draco with his flamethrower* Duel this, ferret face!

H/Hr Shippers: *Wince at the appearance of the flamethrower*

Mantolwen: Are you going to let Ron go, or are we going to have to administer a few swift kicks up the...

Siofra: As I was saying, we called in reinforcements. You cannot defeat us.

Colin: This is no fair. You guys don't even exist in our universe.

Rianna: *Regains her powers of speech* We're the rabid shippers, we're everywhere.

*A Huge and Capitalized Fight ensues*

Draco's hair: *Is singed from Cedric's flamethrower*

Lucius and All the Other Death Eaters: *Are conveniently unconscious*

Colin: *Is scared*

Fbf: *Grabs Dean's sword and points it under Colin's chin* We said, give us Ron back.

Colin: *Squeaks*

Draco: Now I know why they call you Squeaky.

Siofra: *Unleashes her leaf blower upon Draco*

Draco: *Covers head* Not the hair! Not the hair!

Colin: Somehow, being a Death Eater isn't exactly what I thought it would be.

Voldemort: Wish I could stay, love, but I've got a hair appointment. Ta!

Colin: Case and point.

Gabrielle Delacour: Oh, Colin, your squeaking is so very sexy.

Colin: *Shrugs* I'd rather go out with her than kidnap Ron any day.

Colin and Gabrielle: *Leave*

Burning Pumpkins: *Stunned*

Seren: *Cheerily* Well, that certainly was anti-climatic. Guess I'm still the best at writing Epically Bad Tales, then?

Siofra: *Grumbles* Yeah, yeah...

Mantolwen: Are we sending Ron and Draco back to school?

Rita: I've got a better idea! Let's leave them here...but tie them together.

Siofra: EW! I am not writing slash!

Rita: *Shrugs* It was worth a try.

Sirigorn: Are Ron and Hermione going to even snog at the end of this one?

H/Hr Shippers: No!

Siofra: Cedric, do you have one more flame in you?

Cedric: Sure do.

Siofra and Cedric: *Chase H/Hr Shippers away*

Rianna: *Is dreamy-eyed again* Draco kissed me. It was spectacular...

Harry: *Flipping through the dictionary* Spectacular...S....

Seren: I feel happy. Methinks I should go snog Metro!Harry in a closet.