Harry Potter and the Wonders of the Web

"I'm so bored," Ginny groaned. "Remind me why we're here?"

"Dumbledore thought that it would be an excellent bluff to have us stay with my parents," Hermione answered, unaware that her friend's question had been rhetorical. "He thought that this was the last place anyone would look."

"So he stuck us in this awful place with nothing to do," Ron finished.

"My house isn't awful," Hermione said indignantly.

"It wasn't at first," Ron conceded. "But if you're stuck in any one place long enough it gets to seem awful."

"I guess so," Hermione said with a sigh.

"I've got an idea," Harry said. "Let's start a revolution!"

"Sure," Ron said, grinning suddenly. "What are we revolutioning against?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's revolting, not revolutioning, smart one."

"Fine, what are we revolting against?" Ron said sardonically.

"I dunno," Harry said with a shrug. "It just sounded like something to do."

Hermione laughed. "Well, we could always search for things to revolt against."

"We can't leave the house," Ginny pointed out.

"So?" Hermione said. "Follow me."

She got up and headed into her parent's office, the other three trailing curiously along behind. She walked up to a piece of machinery only Harry recognized and hit what was obviously the power button.

"What is this?" Ron asked interestedly, coming over to examine it.

"It's a computer," Hermione said. "It has the internet."

"What's the internet?" Ginny asked.

"It's a collection of websites," Hermione replied. "You can find anything on it. People have diaries, political writers write online columns, there are lots of online newspapers, and most businesses have a website. Then there are discussion boards, where people can post things about any subject under the sun. They have political debates, discuss books, do role play games..."

"That sounds vaguely nasty," Harry interjected.

"It's not," Hermione said, glaring at him. "It's one massive online game of pretend."

"Cool," Ginny said, possibly remembering her days as a pint-sized princess in her backyard.

"And how do you get to all of this stuff?" Ron asked.

"You just have to know the web address," Hermione said. "But if you don't know the web address, you go to a search engine. That's where you type in a search word and the engine searches all the websites on the internet for matches."

"I thought engines were those things in cars," Ron said.

"This is a different type of engine," Hermione said.

"Oh," Ron said, nodding his head as if he understood. Which he didn't.

"So we simply go to Google.com," Hermione said, logging on to the internet and doing so, "and type revolution," she did so, "and hit enter," she finished, hitting the return key.

"So you can search for anything at all?" Ginny said curiously.

"Yes," Hermione said. "Odds are there will be information about it. There are billions of websites on the internet."

"So if I searched for, say, different types of rodents, something would come up?" Ron asked.

"Probably," Hermione said. "Most anything involving any research of any kind is on the internet somewhere."

"This is so wicked," Ginny said enthusiastically.

"So I could search my name?" Ron asked.

"That's called an ego search," Hermione said. "I know people who've ego searched their names and found porn."

"Porn?" Ron and Ginny asked as one.

"Never mind," Hermione said hastily. "I suppose you could if you wanted."

"Let's search Harry's name," Ron said, nodding at him. "Harry is a more common name than Ronald, isn't it? More stuff would come up. I want to see it all!"

"Most of it wouldn't be interesting," Hermione said. "Just scores from sports competitions, lists of high school graduates...things like that."

"Well, search it already," Ron said, gesturing towards the screen.

Hermione obediently typed in "Harry Potter" and hit return. Everyone's jaw dropped when the page came up.

"Harry," Ginny said quietly, standing behind Hermione's chair. "There are six million, two hundred and forty thousand matches for your name."

"No way," Harry said, leaning over her shoulder to see. Hermione began scrolling through them.

"They all look like they're about you," Hermione said. "Fifteen year old wizard...Hogwarts..." She clicked on a link. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, long awaited fifth book in the Harry Potter series..."

Ron leaned over her shoulder and read aloud the summary of the book.

"There is a door at the end of a silent corridor. And it's haunting Harry Potter's dreams. Why else would he be waking in the middle of the night, screaming in terror?"

At this, Ginny reached back and took Harry's hand in hers.

"Here are just a few things on Harry's mind: A Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher with a personality like poisoned honey; a venomous, disgruntled house-elf; Ron as keeper of the Gryffindor Quidditch team...hey! That shouldn't worry you...the looming terror of the end-of-term Ordinary Wizarding Level exams."

They all looked at Harry, who shook his head. "I have no idea how they found this stuff out."

"...and of course, the growing threat of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. In the richest installment yet of J.K. Rowling's seven-part story, Harry Potter is faced with the unreliability of the very government of the magical world and the impotence of the authorities at Hogwarts."

"Well, at least they got that one right," Ginny said darkly. "Who is this J.K. Rowling person?"

"No clue," Hermione said.

"Despite this (or perhaps because of it), he finds depth and strength in his friends, beyond what even he knew...aww, thanks, Harry... boundless loyalty; and unbearable sacrifice. Though thick runs the plot (as well as the spine), readers will race through these pages and leave Hogwarts, like Harry, wishing only for the next train back."

They all looked around at each other, stunned.

"I...I don't understand," Hermione said slowly. "It's as if these muggles have some crazy insight into your head."

"Oi, look at this," Ron said. "Also by J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone."

"She's been spying on you," Ginny said. "That's the only explanation."

"It doesn't explain how she got into my head," Harry reminded her. Sometime during the course of the conversation, they had released each other's hands. Neither of them noticed.

"Hang on," Hermione said. She had gone back to the Google search page, and had commenced skimming the pages. "What's this? That never happened."

Harry looked down at the page she'd opened, and an interesting blush started creeping up on his cheeks.

Ginny looked down and started hooting with laughter. "Oh, I didn't know that's what you two were doing in the Room of Requirement!"

"No, look," Hermione said. "It says sixth year. Can they tell the future?" She looked anxiously up at Harry, who was still not quite meeting her eyes. Ron was, of course, glowering darkly at the pair of them. She turned back to the screen and started searching the site, astronomytower.org or something.

"Okay, they can't be telling the future," Hermione said. "Look, they're contradicting themselves! It's a bunch of different people."

"So this J.K. whatever person is apparently the only one that sticks to the truth," Ginny said. "Maybe they're making up their own versions of what will happen."

"If that's the truth, there are some very sick people in this world," Harry said, taking the mouse from Hermione and clicking on a promising link. "Why, Ginevra Weasley! How could you? And with Malfoy, too!"

Ginny, blushing hotly, snatched the mouse from Harry and hit the Back button. "I did no such thing and you know it."

"I should hope not," Ron said, glaring suspiciously at her.

"Oh, shove off, Ron," Ginny said. Then she started laughing. "Oh, someone's got quite the imagination. Look at this, Harry."

Harry stepped in front of the screen, effectively blocking both Ron and Hermione's view. He and Ginny commenced reading, and their frequent bursts of laughter soon started to irritate the other two.

"What, pray tell, is so funny?" Hermione asked.

"Godric Gryffindor's great bloody sword..." Ginny said, eyeing Hermione with no small amount of awe. "I didn't know you had it in you, my girl."

"Quite brave of her, actually," Harry commended, bestowing a grin upon his very confused friend.

"Not to mention the way this author has captured Ron," Ginny said. "I mean, he's all stuttering and red. It's so great!"

"Gin, I think we're dating," Harry said, raising an eyebrow at her. "And that wasn't very subtle of you, either."

"Okay, that's so what I would say if we ever did date," Ginny said. "I mean, it's all out on the table, right? Ron's all crazy and hyperventilating...oh look, there he goes now."

Ron was indeed becoming rather red around the ears, glaring at Harry like he was the spawn of Salazar Slytherin himself.

"You two aren't dating," he said flatly.

"Of course we aren't," Ginny said, shrugging her shoulders. "This is fictional, remember?"

"Fictional," Harry said with finality, having clicked on another link. "Because I am never doing anything like that with Draco sodding Malfoy. My blatant heterosexuality aside, Malfoy's just slimy."

"He's actually kind of cute," Ginny said musingly. "Maybe if he took all of that nasty gel out of his hair and denounced his Death Eater father..."

"Someone is thinking along the same lines as you," Hermione informed her, pulling up another story. She burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, redeemed Draco is actually quite amusing."

"You think Malfoy is amusing?" Ron asked indignantly. "Are you off your bloody onion?"

"Ron, relax," Hermione said soothingly. "It's just fiction."

"It's still Malfoy," Ron muttered. "The great pouf."

"Apparently someone is thinking along the same lines as Ron," Ginny said dryly, scanning yet another page. "Although I am at a loss to see how one could manage to repress Ron's ever-present need to strangle Malfoy long enough to get them to snog."

Ron turned white. No one was brave enough to try, but all were sure that they could have knocked him down with a feather.

"Hermione?" Ron asked weakly. "You wouldn't happen to know any selective memory charms, would you? I'd like to wash that image permanently from my head, if no one minds."

Harry and Ginny tried and failed to suppress their snickers. And has anyone else noticed that the word snickers sounds curiously like the word knickers? But I digress.

"I can't think of any at the moment," Hermione said, hiding her mirth with more success than the other two. "Sorry, Ron."

"That's okay," Ron said, in a suddenly much better mood. "It was worth it just to stump you for once."

"Oh sod off," Hermione muttered, turning back to the computer. "What's this? SCUSA?"

"It stands for Self Contained Underwater Shipping Apparatus," Harry said knowledgably.

"You read that off the sub-heading," Hermione accused.

"Maybe," Harry said, grinning unabashedly at her.

"Well, let's click on it and see," Hermione said matter-of-factly. Everyone stared at her.

"I think you're enjoying this," Ron accused.

"Just a little bit," Hermione said. "You do have to admit that, aside from the part where this J.K. Rowling person is spilling all of the Order's secrets everywhere and is somehow inside of Harry's head, this is rather amusing."

"If you say so," Ginny said. "So click on it already!"

Hermione did so, much to the future chagrin of all present.

"Pumpkin Pie," Hermione said, half to herself. "I wonder what that is..."

"Three knuts says she's going to click it," Harry said in an undertone to Ron.

"I never bet when the odds are against me," Ron replied just as quietly. Sure enough, Hermione clicked on the Pumpkin Pie thread at SCUSA.

About three seconds was all it took before Hermione, far and beyond the fastest reader of the bunch, turned around to goggle at Harry.

"Salazar Slytherin's snake," Ginny breathed moments later. "These people are apparently out of their collective tree."

"No kidding," Ron agreed in a slightly angry voice. Harry, not knowing quite how to deal with the fact that a good deal of people believed him madly in love with one of his best friends, remained silent.

Hermione shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Gone mad, the lot of them," she said, dismissing the Pumpkin Pie with a wave of the hand and a click of the mouse.

"How can they miss what's right in front of their faces?" Ginny groaned. "Get out of that chair, Hermione, and let me see that mouse. We're finding a ship that I ship, and I've got just the one."

She shoved Hermione out of the desk chair, clicked on the Master Ship List, and scrolled until she found the one she wanted. Not before the other three had caught sight of quite a few laugh inducing name combinations.

Somewhere in the G's she clicked a ship, but the other's were too busy laughing over the sheer idiocy of Seamus/Angelina to see who the lucky pair was.

"Aha, finally!" she crowed triumphantly. "And a Good Ship it is, indeed."

The other three leaned over her shoulder, and Harry promptly cracked up laughing, leaning on the back of Ginny's chair for support. She smirked at Ron and Hermione as they realized exactly what they were seeing.

"Good one, Gin," Harry said.

"You honestly think..." Ron said, glaring at his sister. "I mean, you believe that...Hermione...me...." He gestured between himself and said girl in what was evidently meant to be an explanatory manner.

Ginny nodded, bestowing a fond look on the still chortling Harry. "You alright there, scarhead?"

"It's just, why didn't I think of that?" Harry said, regaining control of himself.

"You were too busy trying to form coherent sentences at the thought of stealing Hermione from my brother?" Ginny suggested nonchalantly, secretly sniggering when Ron and Hermione both turned a deeper shade of red.

"That could be it," Harry said, nodding his head.

"You two have lost your minds," Hermione said airily. "Now get out of that chair, Ginny Weasley, before I have to hurt you."

"I second that," Ron grumbled.

Hermione cracked up laughing as she scanned the list of ships. "Do people honestly think I'm going to fall head over heels for Terry Boot?"

Ron glared darkly at the screen. "He's a prat."

"You're a prat," Hermione told him without rancor.

"As long as I'm the number one prat," Ron said with a smirk.

"Oh, you are," Hermione replied. "Look at this, Prat King. Someone thinks you and Katie Bell are in love."

"She's not my type," Ron said, dismissing the poor girl with a grimace.

"What exactly is your type?" Harry asked teasingly. "Curly-haired, clever and pretty? About this tall," he added, holding his hand to approximately his chin.

"You think I'm pretty?" Hermione said in a disbelieving tone.

"Gorgeous," Harry assured her. "So does Ron."

"Evidently," Ginny said wryly. "Seeing as he's gone all red because you've complimented her."

"Oh, sorry, Ron," Harry said, raising his hands and backing away from Hermione. "I didn't mean it that way."

Ron and Hermione both rolled their eyes.

"You two have gone mad," Hermione said.

"Mad," Ron agreed. "Insane. Off your onion. Out of your tree."

"I think they get the point, Ron," Hermione said, raising an eyebrow.

It might have turned out to be a decidedly awkward moment had Ginny not circumvented this situation by bursting into laughter.

"Apparently some people believed me when I said I was dating Dean," she explained, pointing to a link titled Artist's Flame.

"You're not dating Dean?" Ron said indignantly. "You said you were!"

"I lied," Ginny replied. "It kept you from making a scene."

"But he did make a scene," Harry pointed out.

"That's beside the point," Ginny said. "He didn't make a different scene, therefore my bluff was successful."

"What scene didn't you want him to make?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"Just choose someone - better - next time," Ginny quoted. "That's what he said. Honestly, Harry, are you that thick?"

Realization dawned on Harry. Not that one. A different realization. "Ginny, do you realize that your boyfriend ran off with my girlfriend?"

"Yes, I'd noticed," Ginny replied. "Apparently you are that thick, if you've just now figured it out."

"Don't worry, Gin," Hermione said, giving the girl a sympathetic look. "All boys are thick."

Ginny was sufficiently distracted by a very detailed fic between the last two people any of them had ever imagined. "Helga Hufflepuff's third chin!"

Harry promptly burst into laughter. "McGonagall and Dumbledore?"

Ron and Hermione glared at the two of them.

"I think you're enjoying this," Hermione accused.

"Just a little too much," Ron added.

"Oh, look!" Ginny crowed, her eyes glued to the screen and Harry's face next to hers. "Another Pumpkin Pie tale!"

Harry and Hermione started blushing again.

"Harry, that is so sweet," Ginny said, laying her head against his.

"It wasn't me thinking it," Harry protested. "This person has convoluted what actually happened!"

"But it's still sweet," Ginny said. She then straightened up and began searching fics again. "Who's Blaise Zabini?" she asked moments later.

Harry thought for a moment. "Slytherin bloke in our year, isn't he, Ron?"

"He's on the Quidditch team," Ron said. "Why?"

"He seems to be very popular in these stories," Ginny said. "Look...he's with Harry, and me, and Ron, and Hermione, and Lavender...Pansy, Tracey, Malfoy, Parvati, Padma, Cho..."

"Cripes, why's he so popular?" Ron yelped.

Ginny searched for a moment before finding the answer. "Apparently these people are a bit fuzzy on his gender. So sometimes Blaise is a girl."

"Yikes," Ron said with a shudder.

"By far the most popular is Blaise and Hermione, however," Ginny mused, her eyes still glued to the screen. The light from the monitor made her face appear paler than it actually was. "Something you're not telling us, love?"

Hermione blushed. "Of course not!" she said.

Ron was looking furious.

The corners of Harry's mouth were twitching as he attempted not to laugh.

Ginny giggled. She'd discovered third generation fics.

"Look, Harry," she said, pointing to the monitor as if Harry couldn't see it. "We've got twins!"

Harry groaned. "I hope they're not like Fred and George. I don't fancy bringing up a pair like that."

"In this one we have a daughter," Ginny said. "She's apparently got my hair and your eyes, so we called her Lily."

"Quite rightly so," Harry said matter-of-factly.

Ron and Hermione stared.

"You two are discussing your children," Hermione said in a hollow voice.

"Your children," Ron repeated in shell-hocked tones.

Ginny and Harry looked at each other and blushed.

"Er...yeah..." Harry said weakly. "Well..."

"Um..." Ginny said.

Such a telling teenage moment.

"Anyway," Ginny said briskly, "on to the Fire and Ice!"

"Malfoy," Harry said with a frown. "What on earth are you doing looking at those things?"

"Well...he's quite cool in these," Ginny said defensively. "I mean...OH MY GOSH! HE'S IN LEATHER TROUSERS!"

She and Hermione both sighed, the looks in their eyes saying that they were imagining Malfoy in leather trousers. Harry and Ron were looking at them in astonishment.

"I will never understand girls," Ron said.

"Leather?" Harry questioned indignantly.

Hermione and Ginny sighed again.

"We are never getting on the internet again," Ron said, grabbing the mouse and clicking the box in the upper right-hand corner with the 'x' on it. Hermione and Ginny began to protest.

"No," Harry said. "Ron's right. It's corrupting you two."

"Hey, Harry?" Ginny said in a mischievous tone.

"What?" Harry said.

"Do you believe in trees?"

"I believe in trees," Harry said happily.

Ron and Hermione blushed.