Harry Potter and the Holy Grail

Scene 4
[battle sounds]
[Flint defeats another knight in a bloody battle as Harry watches]
Harry:You fight with the strength of many men, fine Quidditch player.
[pause]
I am Harry, Heir of the Gryffindors.
[Pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Tower of Gryffindor.
[Pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Colin.
Flint: None shall pass.
Harry: What?
Flint: None shall pass.
Harry: I have no quarrel with you, good Quidditch player, but I must cross this bridge.
Flint: Then you shall die.
Harry: I command you as Heir of Gryffindor to stand aside!
Flint: I move for no man.
Harry: Well, what if I was a woman?
Flint: What?
Harry: Like in that one book, where no mortal man can kill the beast and the warrior chick ends up killing him.
Flint: I thought Merry killed him.
Harry: Oh yes...wait, wasn’t it Pippin?
Flint: No, I’m fairly certain it was Merry.
Harry: I still think you’re wrong, but I’m not going to bother pulling out the copy of The Two Towers that I, of course, am carrying around with me. Back on topic, what if was was a woman?
Flint: Then I’d kill you anyways.
Harry: So be it!
[parry thrust]
[Harry chops Flint’s left arm off after a short battle]
Harry: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Flint: 'Tis but a scratch.
Harry: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Flint: No, it isn't.
Harry: Well, what's that then?
Flint: I've had worse.
Harry: You liar! Oh wait, I was supposed to take that for granted, he’s a Slytherin...
Flint: Come on you Hufflepuff!
[parry thrust]
[Harry chops Flint’s right arm off]
Harry: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Godric, that in thy merc-
[Flint kicks Harry in the head while he is praying]
Harry: Come on then.
Flint: Have at you!
Harry: You are indeed brave, Sir Quidditch player, but the fight is mine.
Flint: Oh, had enough, eh?
Harry: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
Flint: Yes I have.
Harry: Look!
Flint: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts Harry in the chest]
Harry: Look, stop that.
Flint: Hufflepuff! Hufflepuff!
Harry: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop]
Flint: Right, I'll do you for that!
Harry: You'll what?
Flint: Come 'ere!
Harry: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Flint: I'm invincible!
Harry: You're a Slytherin. In everything except the most Slytherin-loving fics you’re a complete failure! You got held back, for Apollo’s sake!
Flint: The Slytherins always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
[whop]
[Harry chops Flint’s other leg off]
Flint: All right; we'll call it a draw.
Harry: Come, Colin.
Flint: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!
End Scene 4

Scene 5
[Ravenclaws chanting and hitting themselves over the head, leading to........]
CROWD: A Mary-Sue! A Mary-Sue! A Mary-Sue! We've got a Mary-Sue! A Mary-Sue!
Bill: We have found a Mary-Sue, might we flame her?
CROWD: Flame her! Flame!
Hermione: How do you know she is a Mary-Sue?
Charlie: She looks like one.
Hermione: Bring her forward.
Mary-Sue: I'm not a Mary-Sue. I'm not a Mary-Sue.
Hermione: But you are dressed as one.
Mary-Sue: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
Mary-Sue: And this isn't my hair, it's a false wig.
Hermione: Well?
Bill: Well, we did do the wig.
Hermione: The hair?
Bill: And the miniskirt -- but she is a Mary-Sue!
CROWD: Burn her! Mary-Sue! Mary-Sue! Burn her!
Hermione: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
Bill: She has got a Britney Spears CD.
Hermione: What makes you think she is a witch?
Cho: Well, she turned me into an American flag.
Hermione: An American flag?
Cho: I got better.
Charlie: Flame her anyway!
CROWD: Flame! Flame her!
Hermione: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Mary-Sue.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
Charlie: Do they hurt?
Hermione: Tell me, what do you do with Mary-Sues?
Charlie: Flame!
CROWD: Flame, flame them all!
Hermione: And what do you flame apart from Mary-Sues?
Bill: More Mary-Sues!
Charlie: Other peoples’ ships!
Hermione: So, why do Mary-Sues get flamed?
[pause]
Cho: B--... because they're made of ships...?
Hermione: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
Hermione: So, how do we tell whether she is made of ships?
Bill: Go across an ocean on her.
Hermione: Aah, but can you not also cross oceans on brooms?
Charlie: Oh, yeah.
Hermione: Do ships sink in water?
Bill: No, no.
Charlie: It floats! It floats!
Bill: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
Hermione: What also floats in water?
Bill: Bread!
Charlie: House-elves!
Cho: Very small rocks!
Bill: Pumpkin juice!
Charlie: Uhhh, gravy!
Bill: Slytherins!
Charlie: Mud!
Cho: Churches -- churches!
Charlie: Lead -- lead!
Harry: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
Hermione: Exactly! So, logically...
Bill: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of ships.
Hermione: And therefore--?
Bill: A Mary-Sue!
CROWD: A Mary-Sue! A Mary-Sue! A Mary-Sue!
Hermione: We shall use my largest scales!
[yelling]
Hermione: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A Mary-Sue! A Mary-Sue!
Mary-Sue: Hey!
CROWD: Flame her! Flame her!
[yelling]
Hermione: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Harry: I am Harry, Heir of the Gryffindors.
Hermione: My liege!
Harry: Good witch, will you come with me to Hogwarts, and join us at Gryffindor Tower?
Hermione: My liege! I would be honored.
Harry: What is your name?
Hermione: Hermione, my leige.
Harry: Then I dub you Hermione, Person of Gryffindor.
[Writer Interlude]
WRITER: The wise Hermione was the first to join with Harry, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Oliver the Brave; Sir Ron the Pure; and Sir Dean the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Oliver who had nearly fought the Dragon of
Hagrid’s House,who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of the Kitchens and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Quidditch Final; and the aptly named Sir Not appearing-in-this-film (who everyone turned out to like the best).
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the
centuries: the People Who Were in Gryffindor.
End Scene 5

Scene 6
Hermione: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
Harry: This new learning amazes me, Hermione. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to keep Snape away from me.
Hermione: Oh, certainly, sir.
Oliver: Look, my liege!
Harry: Gryffindor Tower!
Ron: Gryffindor Tower!
Oliver: Gryffindor Tower!
Colin: Geeyaz, you only live there, you know.
Harry: Shhh! People, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us fly...to Gryffindor Tower.
[Cut to knights singing]
We're Gryffindor people,
We dance when we’re feeble,
We do brave deeds when rarely seen,
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Hoggy-warts,
We eat cake and tea and tarts.
[dancing]
We're Gryffindor people,
Our shows make you weep-le,
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-aple.
We're opera mad in Gryffindor,
Watch out we might perform some more.
[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our work we often shirk,
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Gryffindor,
We like to blow up half the floor.

Harry: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Gryffindor Tower -- it is a silly place. Right.
End Scene 6

Scene 7
Godric: Harry! Harry, Heir of Gryffindor! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Harry: Sorry!!
Godric: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy to be in this house'. What are you doing now!?
Harry: I'm averting my eyes, oh Founder.
Godric: Well, don't. It's like those miserable fanfics -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off!
Harry: Yes, Founder.
Godric: Right! Harry, Heir of the Gryffindors -- your Gryffindor People shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Harry: Good idea, oh Founder!
Godric: 'Course it's a good idea! It’s my idea! Behold! Harry, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Harry, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Harry, the Quest for the Holy Grail.
Harry: A quest!
Oliver: A blessing from the Founder!
Ron: Gryffindor be praised!
Dean: Wait, isn’t this a bit like that Muggle movie...
Ron: Muggle what?
Dean: Oh, never mind.
End Scene 7