Harry Potter and the Holy Grail

Scene 8

[clop clop] 

Harry: Halt! Hello! Hello! 

Viktor: 'Allo! Who is zis? 

Harry: It is Harry, and these are my Gryffindor People. Whose castle is this? 

Viktor: This is the castle of my master, Professor Karkaroff! 

Harry: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Gryffindor with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. 

Viktor: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see? 

Harry: What? 

Ron: He says they've already got one! 

Harry: Are you sure he's got one? 

Viktor: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one) 

Kid-with-food on his shirt: Ah.

Harry: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? 

Viktor: Of course not! You are English types-a! 

Harry: Well, what are you then? 

Viktor: I'm Bulgarian! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly heir! And don’t asky *why* I’m here, it’s *called* a plot hole!

Ron: What are you doing in England? 

Viktor: Mind your own business! 

Harry: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! 

Viktor: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Harry-heir, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. Thppppt! 

Hermione: What a strange person. 

Harry: Now look here, my good man! 

Viktor: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I fart in your general direction! . Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! 

Ron: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? 

Viktor: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! 

Harry: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. 

Viktor: Fetche lavache! 

Boy-with-food-on-his-shirt: Quoi? 

Viktor: Fetche lavache! 

[moo!] 

Hermione: I thought they were Bulgarian.

Dean: Lazy author?

Harry: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] By the Hat! Right! Charge! 

ALL: Charge! 

[Gryffindors charge] 

Viktor: Ah, this one is for your mother! 

[twang] 

ALL: Run away! 

Viktor: Thpppt! 

[after running away...] 

Oliver: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! 

Harry: No no, no no! 

Hermione: Sir! I have a plan, sir. 

Ron: She always had a plan. How did that get carried over into this fic?

Oliver: Good author castings?

Ron: No, you weren’t there when she did that horrible Episode II fanfic. This girl cannot cast.

Oliver: Luck, then.

[later]

[chop saw chop saw]

[rumble rumble squeak]

[Wheeling Trojan rabbit up to castle gates] 

Muttering Bulgarians: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? UN cadeau. What? A present. Oh, UN cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

[rumble rumble squeak] 

Harry: What happens now? 

Hermione: Well, now, uh, Oliver, Ron, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Bulgarians by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! 

Oliver: Why a rabbit?

Hermione: Do you have any other ideas?

Oliver: *I* do Quidditch tactics.

Harry: Who leaps out? 

Hermione: Uh, Oliver, Ron, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh.... 

Harry: Oh.... 

Hermione: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger... 

Oliver: They aren’t Hufflepuffs.

[twang] 

ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! 

[splat]

Viktor (and other Bulgarians): Oh, haw haw haw.
 
Scene 9
 
Pictures for Schools, take 8.

DIRECTOR: Action!

Nicholas Flamel: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did--Launcelot...

[clop clop]

[An unknown knight rides in and kills the narrator]

Pernelle: Nicky!
 
Scene 10
 
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Dean.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Dean rode north, through the dark Forbidden Forest, accompanied by his screaming fangirls.

Fangirl (singing): Bravely bold Sir Dean, rode forth from Gryffindor. He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Dean. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Dean! He was not in the least bit scared to be attacked by Bludgers, Or to run into a Slytherin, and his wand broken. To have his broomstick split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Dean! His eyes smashed in and his face cut out, And his liver drapped o’er the towers and his bowels used in Potions, And his ears chopped off and his freckles bleached off, And his penis...

Dean: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, ladies. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

Colin: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

Hannah: Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

[encounter 3-headed runespoor]

ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?

Fangirl (singing): He is brave Sir Dean, brave Sir Dean, who--

Dean: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.

ALL HEADS: What do you want?

Fangirl (singing): To take the Stone, and--

Dean: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.

ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!

Dean: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of Gryffindor.

ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of Gryffindor?

Dean: I am.

LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.

MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?

LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.

RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him. After all, Slytherins like us get flamed every time we’re mean to the Gryffs. They’re Rowling’s obvious favorites, after all.

MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.

LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-

MIDDLE HEAD: And you.

LEFT HEAD: Oh quick bare your fangs, I want to bite his head off!

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!

MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!

LEFT HEAD: What?

RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time, like some stupid Hufflepuff…

MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him.

LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?

MIDDLE HEAD: You snore. It’s a well known fact that all Slytherins except the fan-worshipped Draco.

LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my fangs.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.

LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. We have a reputation to maintain, after all.

MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.

LEFT HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.

ALL HEADS: Right!

LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.

RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.

Fangirl (singing): Brave Sir Dean ran away...

Dean: No!

Fangirl (singing): Bravely ran away away...

Dean: I didn't!

Fangirl (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled, Dean is perfect, he’s our guy!--

Dean: No! Well, yes to the I’m your guy, but--

Fangirl (singing): Yes Brave Sir Dean turned about...

Dean: I didn't!

Fangirl (singing): And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet...

Dean: I never did!

Fangirl (singing): He beat a very brave retreat...

Dean: Oh, lie!

Fangirl (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin! (/singing) Oh Dean, even though you barely have any lines in the books, we love you anyway!

Dean: Oh dear…