Harry Potter and the Holy Grail

Scene 1
[wind] [clop clop] 
Harry: Whoa there! 
[clop clop] 
Fred: Halt! Who goes there? 
Harry: It is I, Harry, son of James Potter, from the castle of Hogwarts. Heir of Gryffindor, defeator of the Basilisk, sovereign of a whole bookseries! 
Fred: Who’s the Heir of Gryffindor?! 
Harry: I am. And this my trusty servant Colin. We have ridden the length and breadth of
the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at the Gryffindor Tower. I must speak with your lord and master. 
Fred: What, ridden on a broomstick? 
Harry: Yes! 
Fred: You're using vacuum cleaners! 
Harry: What? 
Fred: You've got a vacuum cleaner and you’re pretending it’s a broomstick. 
Harry: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the
Slytherin common room, through-- 
Fred: Where'd you get the vacuum cleaner? 
Harry: We found them. 
Fred: Found them? In the Slytherin Common room? Slytherins are anti-Muggle! 
Harry: What do you mean? 
Fred: Well, this is isn’t a place where they make vacuum cleaners. 
Harry: The owl may fly south with the sun or the unicorn or the centaur may
seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. 
Fred: Are you suggesting vacuum cleaners migrate? 
Harry: Not at all, they could be carried. 
Fred: What -- an owl carrying a vacuum cleaner? 
Harry: It could grip it by the electrical cord! 
Fred: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A
mail-carrying bird could not carry a fifty pound Hoover! 
Harry: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Harry from the Castle of Hogwarts is here. 
Fred: Listen, in order to maintain airspeed velocity, an owl needs to beat its
wings 43 times every second, right? 
Harry: Please! 
Fred: Am I right? 
Harry: I'm not interested! 
George: It could be carried by a snowy owl! 
Fred: Oh, yeah, a snowy owl maybe, but not a common English barn owl, that's my
point. 
George: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... 
Harry: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my House at Hogwarts?! 
Fred: But then of course snowy owls are not migratory. 
George: Oh, yeah... 
Fred: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... 
[clop clop] 
George: Wait a minute -- supposing two owls carried it together? 
Fred: No, they'd have to have it on a line. 
George: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of Venomous Tentacula! 
Fred: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? 
George: Well, why not? 

end scene 1

 

Scene 2
Nott: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead! 
Goyle: Here's one -- three sickles. 
Crabbe: I'm not dead! 
Nott: What? 
Goyle: Nothing -- here's your three sickles. 
Crabbe: I'm not dead! 
Nott: Here -- he says he's not dead! 
Goyle: Yes, he is. 
Crabbe: I'm not! 
Nott: He isn't. 
Goyle: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. He did his potion wrong.
Crabbe: I'm getting better! 
Goyle: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead or kicked out of school in a moment. 
Nott: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. 
Crabbe: I don't want to go on the flying carpet! 
Goyle: Oh, don't be such a baby. 
Nott: I can't take him... 
Crabbe: I feel fine! Honestly, at least Snape hasn’t killed me himself!

Goyle: Now there’s an interesting possibility...Oh come on, Nott, do us a favor. 
Nott: I can't. 
Goyle: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. 

Nott: Naaah, I got to go on to Parkinsons's -- they've lost nine today. 

Goyle: I thought only the Weasleys could possibly have so many people in their family.

Nott: Nope.
Goyle: Well, when is your next round? 
Nott: Thursday. 
Crabbe: I think I'll go for a walk. 

Goyle: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do? 
Crabbe: I feel happy... I feel happy. [Nott whops Crabbe] 
Goyle: Ah, thanks very much. 

Nott: Not at all. See you on Thursday. 
Goyle: Right. [clop clop] 
Nott: Who's that then? 
Goyle: I don't know. 

Nott: Must be a Gryffindor. 

Goyle: Why? 

Nott: He isn’t trying to sell his friend’s still-live bodies.

End Scene 2

 

Scene 3
[clop clop] 
Harry: Old woman! 
Ernie (Macmillan): Man! 
Harry: Old man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? 
Ernie: I'm fifth year. 
Harry: What? 
Ernie: I'm in the same year you are -- I'm not old! 
Harry: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. 
Ernie: Well, you could say `Ernie'. 
Harry: Well, I didn't know you were called `Ernie.' 
Ernie: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? 
Harry: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- 
Ernie: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! 
Harry: Well, I AM a Gryffindor... 
Ernie: Oh Gryffindor, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the Hufflepuffs -by 'angin' on to outdated ‘bunch of duffer’ ideas which perpetuates the House an' social differences in our society! ....If there's ever going to be any progress-- 
Hannah: Ernie, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? 
Harry: How do you do, good lady. I am Harry, Heir of the Gryffindors. Who's castle is that? 
Hannah: Heir of the who? 
Harry: The Gryffindors. 
Hannah: Who are the Gryffindors? 
Harry: Well, a lot of us are. A whole House are Gryffindors and I am their Heir.. 
Hannah: I didn't know we had an Heir. I thought we were just the people on the side. 
Ernie: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. ..... A self-perpetuating
autocracy in which the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws-- 
Hannah: Oh there you go, bringing House superiority into it again. 
Ernie: That's what it's all about if only people would-- 
Harry: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? 
Hannah: No one lives there. 
Harry: Then who is your Prefect? 
Hannah: We don't have a Prefect. 
Harry: What? 
Ernie: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. 
Harry: Yes. 
Ernie: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly
meeting. 
Harry: Yes, I see. 
Ernie: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- 
Harry: Be quiet! 
Ernie: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- 
Harry: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! 
Hannah: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? 
Harry: I am the Heir of Gryffindor! 
Hannah: Well, I didn't vote for you. 
Harry: You don't vote for Heirs, otherwise that Riddle creep would have never become the Heir of Slytherin. (AN: j/k)
Hannah: Well, 'ow did you become Heir then? 
Harry: The Sorting Hat, [angels sing] it’s patches held by fraying yarn, dropped Gryffindor’s sword on my head, signifying by logic that I, Harry, was to carry the sword. [singing stops] That is why I am the Heir! 
Ernie: Listen -- strange hats distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not
from some farcical hat ceremony. 
Harry: Be quiet! 
Ernie: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some stinkin’ piece of headgear threw a sword at you! 
Harry: Shut up! 
Ernie: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was the Heir of Hufflepuff just because some shirt had lobbed a trowel at me they'd put me away! 
Harry: Shut up! Will you shut up! 
Ernie: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. 
Harry: Shut up! 
Ernie: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! 
Harry: Bloody Hufflepuff! 
Ernie: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you hear that, eh?.... That's what I'm
on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? 

End Scene 3