Cats... Harry Potter Style

Silver_Stag

Story Summary:
Ever wonder what would happen if you mixed the Andrew Llyod Webber musical 'Cats' with J.K. Rowling's 'Harry Potter' series? Well, here's the answer: Cats... Harry Potter Style. You'll see the characters as you've never seen them before... in full cat costume, including wig, makeup, and unitard while singing, dancing, jumping, twirling, spinning, and falling all over the stage. Set in the beautiful location of the Hogwarts School junkyard, this fic will truly be one you'll never forget.

Chapter 01

Posted:
03/05/2006
Hits:
0


Extra Disclaimer: Cats (the musical) belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber, the Really Useful Group, and T.S. Elliot.

Author's Notes: This story is the product of my younger sister, Killjoy, and I having been really tired after driving from house to house on Christmas day and listening to the Cats CD over and over and over again. Good times... and we'd like to thank our Beta Reader, Sandy.Lupin, for putting in her two-hundred cents when our creativity was running low.

Cats... Harry Potter Style

By: Silver_Stag and Killjoy

~*~

Cast

Grizabella - Professor Trelawney

Gus the Theater Cat - Cornelius Fudge

Old Deuteronomy - Professor Dumbledore

Bombalurina - Nymphadora Tonks

Munkustrap - Harry Potter

Rum Tum Tugger - Draco Malfoy

Demeter - Ginny Weasley

Skimbleshanks - Cedric Diggory

Bustopher Jones - Professor Slughorn

Rumpleteazer - Hermione Granger

Mungojerrie -Ronald Weasley

Jennyanydots - Mrs. Weasley

Mistofofflees - Seamus Finnegan

Jellylorum - Professor McGonagall

Victoria - Fleur Delacour

Macavity - Lord Voldemort

Jemima - Luna Lovegood

Coricopat - Frank Longbottom

Tantomile - Alice Longbottom

Pouncival - Lee Jordan

Electra - Parvati Patil

Etcetera - Pansy Parkinson

Tumblebrutus - Neville Longbottom

Asparagus - Mr. Weasley

Alonzo - Dean Thomas

Exotica - Angelina Johnson

Rumpus Cat - Sirius Black

Cassandra - Lavender Brown

Plato - Bill Weasley

Admetus - Charlie Weasley

Growltiger - Mad Eye Moody

Griddlebone - Narcissa Malfoy

And now, on with the show!

~*~

Act I: When Magical Cats are Maddened by the Midnight Dance

The scene is the Hogwarts' junkyard, located at the bottom of one of the many cliffs near the school. Among the items there are old candy wrappers, empty cartons of school food, broken desks and trunks, a busted bust of Cornelius Agrippa, torn cloaks, wrecked beds and cloak stands, and the now broken-down Ford Anglia, which has it's trunk facing you at this very moment. Bwaha.

*Insert spiffy overture music! It is cool. You like it. After the overture the music starts, with Cats appearing one by one before the actual singing starts.*

Harry: Are you charmed when you're born?

Ginny: Can you see the beyond?

Cedric: Dare you look at a Head Boy--

Mr. Weasley: Would you sit on his bed?

Draco: Can you say of your hex, that it's worse than your jinx?

Dean: Are you top of the duel--

Angelina: When you're dueling alone?

All: Because Magicals are and Magicals do

Magicals do and Magicals would

Magicals would and Magicals can

Magicals can and Magicals do

Prof. McGonagall: When you fall from your broom, do you land on your feet?

Frank: Are you tense when you sense there's a dark-mark in the sky?

Luna: Can you find your way blind, when you're lost in the street?

Prof. Dumbledore: Do you know how to go to the Hogwartside Layer?

All: Because Magicals can and Magicals do

Magicals do and Magicals can

Magicals can and Magicals do

Magicals do and Magicals can

Alice: Can you ride on a broomstick to places far distant?

Mrs. Weasley, Tonks, and Prof. McGonagall: Familiar with candle?

Parvati: With book and with spell?

Tonks: Where you Mrs. Figg's friend?

Seamus: Professor Umbridge's assistant?

Neville: Have you been an alumnus of Hogwarts itself?

Ron: Are you mean like a Sphinx?

Hermione: Are you lean like a lynx?

Pansy: Are you keen to be seen when you're smelling a potion?

Lavender: Where you there when the Founders created Hogwarts?

All: If you were then you are, you're a Magical Cat

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

We can fly through the air

Like an angry dragon

We can turn double somersaults

Bounce on a spongify tile

We can run up a wall

We can swing through the trees

We can balance on stones

We can walk on a wire

Magicals can and Magicals do

Magicals can and Magicals do

Magicals can and Magicals do

Magicals can and Magicals do

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Girls: Can you cast at the same time at more than one target?

Guys: Defend all your friends when there's evil abound?

All: Ahhhh ahhh

Guys: And can you (as Magicals do) being with a 'M'?

*Mrs. Weasley hits a high note*

All: That's always triumphant and brings down the house

Magical Cats are Queen of the night

Singing in astronomical heights

Handling pieces from our Merlin

Hallelujah! The Magical choir--

*Knights' armor falls from an upper window of the school. All stop to stare-- for about half a second*

Magical Cats are King of the night!

Singing in astronomical heights!

Handling pieces from our Merlin

Hallelujah! The Magical choir!

The mystical divinity

Of unashamed Felinity

Round the Hogwarts castle rang, "Lumos!"

Life to the Never-Ending Cat!

Feline, fearless, faithful and true

To others who do what

Magicals do and Magicals can

Magicals can and Magicals do

Magical Cats sing Magical chants

Magicals old and Magicals new

Magical song and Magical dance

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Practical Cats, dramatical Cats

Pragmatical Cats, fanatical Cats

Oratoricle Cats, deliphoricle Cats

Skeptical Cats, dispeptical Cats

Romantical Cats, pedantical Cats

Critical Cats, parasitical Cats

Allegorical cats, metaphorical Cats

Statistical Cats and mystical Cats

Political Cats, hypocritical Cats

Clerical Cats, hysterical Cats

Cynical Cats, rabbinical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical bells that Magicasl ring

Magical sharps and Magical flats

Magical songs that Magicals sing

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

Magical songs for Magical Cats

*All stop suddenly as Mr. Weasley breaks apart from the crowd and looks out at the audience. That would be you.*

Mr. Weasley: There's a student over there!

With a look of surprise

As much as to say, "Well now how about that!"

Harry: Do I actually see

With my own very eyes

Someone who's not heard

Of a Magical Cat?

What's a Magical Cat?

All: What's a Magical Cat?

What's a Magical Cat?

The Naming of Cats is a tricky matter

It isn't just one of your Quidditch games

You may think at first I'm as mad as a house elf

When I tell you a Cat must have three different Names

First of all, there's the Name that the students use daily

Such as Peter, Pansy, Dean, or James

Such as Molly, or Cedric, Seamus, or Charlie Weasley

All of them sensible, everyday Names

There are fancier Names if you think they sound sweeter

Some for the wizards, some for the witchs

Such as Percival, Sirius, Parvati, Ginevra

But all them sensible everyday Names

But I tell you a Cat needs a Name that's particular

A Name that's peculiar, and more dignified

Else how can he keep up his wand perpendicular?

Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

Of Names of this kind, I can give you a quorum

Such as Albus, Hagrid or Magorian

Such as Narcissa Malfoy or else Nymphadora...

Names that never belong to more than one Cat

But above and beyond there's still one Name left over

And that is the Name that you never will guess

The Name that no wizard research can discover

But the Magical himself knows, and will never confess

When you notice a Cat in weighty meditation

The reason, I tell you, is always the same:

His mind is occupied in a rapid deliberation

Of a thought...

Of the thought...

Of the thought...

Of his Name...

His effable effanineffable

Deep and unfathomable singular Name

*They say "Name" like, 10 more times, getting softer as they all creep offstage. Fleur does a mini ballet/yoga piece for us here before Seamus jumps out of drainpipe and changes the dreamy mood to one of excitement.*

Seamus: Magical Cats come out tonight!

Magical Cats, come one, come all

The Magical Moon is shining bright

Magicals come to the Magical Ball!

All: Magical Cats come out tonight!

Magical Cats, come one, come all

The Magical Moon is shining bright!

Magicals come to the Magical Ball!

Magical Cats come out tonight!

Magical Cats, come one, come all

The Magical Moon is shining bright!

Magicals come to the Magical Ball!

Harry: Magical Cats meet once a year

At the Magical Ball where we all rejoice

And the Magical Leader will soon appear

And make what is known as the Magical Choice

When Old Prof. Dumbledore, just before dawn

Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife

Announces the cat who can now be reborn

And come back to a different Magical Life

For waiting up there is the Hogwartside Layer

Full of wonders one Magical only will see

And Magicals ask, because Magicals dare:

Who will it be?

All: Who will it be?

*Trumpets sound as Harry stands to announce his nominee for the Magical Choice.*

Harry: I have a Homey Cat in mind

Her name is Mrs. Molly Weasley

Her coat is of the ginger kind

With tiger stripes and cheetah spots

All day she knits beneath the stairs

Or on the steps

Or on a mat

She knits, and knits, and knits, and knits...

And that's what makes a Homey Cat

That's what makes a Homey Cat!

Prof. McGonagall, Tonks, & Ginny: But...

When the day's hustle and bustle is done

Then the Homey Cat's work has yet hardly begun

When all the school's fallen into bed and asleep

She tucks up her skirts to the dungeons to creep

She is deeply concerned

With the ways of the puffs (skeins, that is)

Mrs. Weasley: Their behaviour's not good

And their manners quite rough

Prof. McGonagall, Tonks, & Ginny: So when she has got them lined up on the matting

She teaches them magic

Mrs. Weasley: Spell-casting and tatting

*Girl kittens dressed as 'puffskeins' pretend to knit.*

Harry: I have a Homey Cat in mind

Her name is Mrs. Molly Weasley

She should be equally hard to find

For she likes the towers and sunny spots

All day she knits beside the hearth

Or on a bed

Or on a hat

She knits, and knits, and knits, and knits...

And that's what makes a Homey Cat

That's what makes a Homey Cat!

Prof. McGonagall, Tonks, & Ginny: But...

When the day's hustle and bustle is done

Then the Homey Cat's work has but hardly begun

As she finds that the puffs will not ever keep quiet

She is sure it is due to irregular diet

And believing that nothing is done without trying

She sets right to work on her baking and frying

She makes them a puff-cake of bread and dry peas

Mrs. Weasley: And a beautiful fry of cooked carrots and cheese

Harry: I have a Homey Cat in mind

Her name is Mrs. Molly Weasley

The curtain cord she likes to wind

And tie it into wizard knots

She knits upon the windowsill

Or anywhere that's smooth and flat

She knits, and knits, and knits, and knits...

And that's what makes a Homey Cat

That's what makes a Homey Cat!

Prof. McGonagall, Tonks, & Ginny: But!

When the day's hustle and bustle is done

Then the Homey Cat's work has but hardly begun

She thinks that the gnomes just need employment

Mrs. Weasley: To prevent them from idle and reckless destroyment

Prof. McGonagall, Tonks, & Ginny: So she's formed from that lot of disorderly louts

A troop of well-disciplined helpful wizard scouts

Mrs. Weasley: With a charm in life and a good spell to do

Prof. McGonagall, Tonks, & Ginny: She even created a Hogwarts Tattoo!

*Some of the Cats are dressed as 'Gnomes' and do a tap dancing number with Mrs. Weasley.*

All: For she's a jolly good witch!

Mrs. Weasley: Thank you my dears!

*Mrs. Weasley goes towards Harry, Ginny, and Luna to greet them. They are all startled as a fast-paced rock beat starts up.*

Draco: Meow. Meow.

All: Draco Malfoy is the sneakiest Cat!

Draco: If you offer me an imp

I'd rather have a gnome

If you put me in a common room I'd much prefer a dorm

If you put me in a dorm then I'd rather have a common room

If you sit me on an owl then I only want a toad

If you sit me on a toad then I'd rather chase an owl

All: Draco Malfoy is the sneakiest Cat!

Draco: And there isn't any call for me to shout it

All: For he will do as he do do!

Draco: And there's no doing anything about-oout it

Seamus: Draco Malfoy is a bullying prat

Draco: If you let me in then I want to go out

I'm always on the wrong side of every corridor

As soon as I'm in the dorm then I like to get about

I like to lie in a wardrobe drawer

But I make such a ruckus if I have to get up

All: Draco Malfoy is the sneakiest Cat!

Draco: And there isn't any need for you to doubt it!

All: For he will do as he do do!

Draco: And there's no doing anything about-oout-oout it

Tonks: Draco Malfoy is a curious fiend! *rubs up on Malfoy*

Draco: My disobliging ways are a matter of habit

So if you offer me squid then I always want a feast

If there isn't any squid then I won't eat a puffskein

If you offer me Felix then I sniff and sneer

'Cause I only like what I find for myself...

*He is about to kiss Tonks, then decides against it and pushes her away*

No.

So if you catch me in it right up into my ears

If you put it away on the potion shelf!

All: Draco Malfoy is awful annoying

Draco Malfoy--

Draco: Doesn't care for a cuddle!

But I leap in your lap

In the middle of your study

'Cause there's nothing I enjoy

Like a horrible muddle

*Draco booty bumps, pelvic thrusts, and electric slides across the stage for the next few minutes or so, trying to show off his rather... private... areas to the kittens (Luna, Parvati, Fleur, and Pansy), who all swoon on sight. He breaks up Mrs. Weasley and Prof. McGonagall's little chat group and gives them each a peck on their nose, much to their surprise. He interrupts Ginny's musings of Her Name, to her frustration, and gets hissed at in return for his antics.*

All: Draco Malfoy is the sneakiest Cat!

Draco Malfoy doesn't care for a Muggle!

*He flirts with the kittens some more. They are happy. So are we.*

Draco Malfoy is the sneakiest Cat!

Draco: And there isn't any need for me to spout it

All: For he will do as he do do!

Draco: And...

There's no doing anything about...

*Kittens mew in a fangirl-like way around his feet.*

About-out-out-out-out-oooout...

*The kittens mew some more.*

About-out-out-OUT!

*Pansy starts screeching, but Draco puts a paw over her mouth.*

About it

*The beat continues for a few more seconds but is interrupted by the arrival of the mostly unwelcome Prof. Trelawney. As she slowly limps across the stage, various kittens (Luna, Fleur, and Parvati) try to reach out to her but are pulled away by the adults (Prof. McGonagall, Mrs. Weasley, and Cedric). Harry stands as a block between Trelawney and the others. He's 'Da Man.*

Prof. Trelawney: Remark the Cat who hesitates towards you

In the light of the door which opens on her like a Grim

You see the corner of her cloak is ripped

And stained with tea

And you see the lenses of her glasses crack

Like a broken wand

*She slowly starts to flounder offstage, trying to preserve what dignity she has left.*

Ginny: She haunted many a low resort

On the grimy road to the school of Hogwarts

She flitted about the no-Wizard's land

From the rising sun to the friend at hand

And the post owl screeched as he pecked her head

You really had thought she ought to be dead

And who would ever suppose that that...

Was Trelawney the Foreseeing Cat?

Tonks: Trelawney the Foreseeing Cat

Both: Trelawney the Foreseeing Cat

All: Who would ever suppose that that...

Was Trelawney the Foreseeing Cat...?

*The beat changes to more a more positive one as Prof. Slughorn waddles his way to center stage, giant spork in paw.*

Mrs. Weasley: Prof. Slughorn is not thin and worn

Tonks: In fact he's remarkably fat

McGonagall: He doesn't haunt pubs

He runs the Slug Club

All Three: For he's the St. Babber's Street Cat

Mrs. Weasley: He's the Cat we all greet as he walks down the street

In his coat of persnickety black

Tonks: There's no common-place mousers that have such well-cut trousers

McGonagall: Or such an impeccable back

Mrs. Weasley: In the whole of St. Babber's is the smartest of names

The name of this Damocles of Cats

All: And we're all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to

By Prof. Slughorn in green hat

Guys: In the whole of St. Babber's is the smartest of names

The name of this Damocles of Cats

And we're all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to

By Prof. Slughorn in green hat

Prof. Slughorn: My visits are occasional to Prof. Umbridge's educational

And it is against the rules

For any one cat to belong to both to that

And the Hogwarts Wizarding School

For a similar reason when the game is in season

I'm found not at The Hog's but at The Leaky

I'm frequently seen at the Quidditch games and Wizengamot scenes

Which is famous for fish and mutton

In the season of venison I give my ben'son

To the Death Eater's succulent bones

And just before noon's not a moment too soon

To drop in for a drink at the teachers dorms

When I'm seen in a hurry there is probably curry

At the kitchen or at the dungeons

If I look full of gloom then I've lunched near the tomb

On fizzing whizbees, chocolate frogs, and acid pops

Guys: In the whole of St. Babber's is the smartest of names

The name of this Damocles of Cats

And we're all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to

By Prof. Slughorn in green

Prof. Slughorn in green!

Prof. Slughorn in green hat

Mrs. Weasley: So much in this way passes Slughorn's day

At one pub or another he's found

It can be no surprise that under our eyes

He's grown unmistakably round

He's a 35 pounder!

Prof. Slughorn: Or I am a bounder!

Mrs. Weasley: And he's putting on weight everyday!

Prof. Slughorn: But I'm so well-preserved because I've observed

All me life a routine, and I'd say

I am still in the prime, I shall last out my time

Mrs. Weasley: That's the word from the stoutest of cats

All: It shall be and will be spring at Hogwarts

While Prof. Slughorn wears green

Prof. Slughorn wears green

Prof. Slughorn wears green hat!

*He gives Mrs. Weasley the flower from his vest pocket as she swoons. Mr. Weasley narrows his eyes and sends Prof. Slughorn a Death Glare.*

Prof. Slughorn: Toodle Pipp!

*The cheerful mood disappears as bells and whistles go off, lightening flashes, and the Cats become spooked.*

Ginny: Voldemort!

*All the Cats scatter and run offstage.*

*All the Cats are gone. What seemed to be a Voldemort scare is really just a false alarm. A giggle breaks the silence.*

Hermione: *giggles*

Ron: *shushes her*

Hermione: *giggles again*

Ron: *shushes her loudly* Ronald Weasley

Hermione: And Hermione Granger

Both: We're a notorious couple of Cats

Hermione: As knockabout jests, quick change schemers
Broomstick walkers and scam artists

Ron: We have an extensive reputation
We make home in the Forbidden Forest
This is merely our center of operation

Both: For we are incurable given to roam!

If the common room window was found ajar

And the Quidditch pitch looked like a field of war

If a tile or two came loose on the roof

(Which presently ceases to be waterproof)

If your clothes were pulled out of your Hogwarts trunk

And you couldn't find your winter cloaks

Or after supper one of the girls

Suddenly missed her Proudfoot pearls...

Then the students would say, "It's that monstrous Cat!"

Ron: It was Ronald Weasley

Hermione: Or Hermione Granger!

Both: And most of the time

They'd leave it at that!

Ron: Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger

Have a vastly unusual gift of the gab

Hermione: We're highly efficient Cat burglars as well

And remarkably smart at a snatch-and-grab!

Ron: We make our home in the Forbidden Forest

We have no regular occupation

Hermione: We're plausible fellows who like to engage

A friendly Minister in conversation

When the students assemble for Sunday dinner
Their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner

Ron: On roast joint--

Hermione: Potatoes and greens
Then the house elves will appear from behind the scenes

Ron: And say in voices broken with sorrow
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!
The roasts have gone from the ovens like that!"

Both: Then the students would say, "It's those horrible Cats!"

Ron: It was Ronald Weasley

Hermione: And Hermione Granger!

Both: And most of the time they leave it at that!

Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger have a wonderful way
Of working together
And some of the time you would say it was luck
And some of the time you would say it was weather

We go through the school like a ferocious storm

Ron: And no serious student could take their oath
Was it Ronald Weasley--

Hermione: Or Hermione Granger?

Both: Or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both?

And when you hear a Great Hall smash
Or up from the tower there came a loud crash
Or down from the library came a loud scream
From a vase which was commonly said to house Peeves...

Hermione: Uh-oh...

Both: Then the students would say: "Now which was which Cat?"

Ron: It was... Ronald Weasley!

Hermione: AND Hermione Granger!

*The two do one cartwheel together across the stage, making the rest of us wonder why the heck we can't all do cool-looking stuff like that.*

Both: And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

*The others appear from among the rubbish. Harry and Dean take Ron and Hermione's pillowcases full of students' valuables and throw them over another cliff. You're probably wondering why they would do this when they could just return the personals, but the reason is this: They have better things to do. Like catching Cat burglars.*

All: And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

*The mood softly changes as Seamus, Frank, and Alice (the most psychic-inclined felines present) smell the air and look offstage*

Seamus: Old Prof. Dumbledore?

*All the others look to Frank and Alice for confirmation.*

Frank and Alice: I believe it is Old Prof. Dumbledore

All: Well of all things can it be really?
No. Yes
. Ho. Hi. Oh my eye!
My mind may be wandering but I admit
I believe it is Old Prof. Dumbledore

Harry: Old Prof. Dumbledore has lived a long time

He's a Cat who has lived many lives in succession

He was famous for knowledge and famous in rhyme

A long while before Rufus Scrimgeour's accession

Draco: Old Prof. Dumbledore's buried nine wives

And more, I am tempted to say, ninety-nine

And his numerous progeny prospers and thrives

And Hogwarts is proud of him in his decline

Harry: At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy

When he sits in the sun on the Hogwarts school wall

The oldest inhabitant croaks:

Draco and Harry
(pointing offstage): Well of all things can it be really?
No
. Yes. Ho. Hi. Oh my eye!
My mind may be wandering but I admit

I believe it is Old Prof. Dumbledore!

All: Well of all things can it be really?
No
. Yes. Ho. Hi. Oh my eye!
My mind may be wandering but I admit
I believe it is Old Prof. Dumbledore!

*Prof. Dumbledore appears, holding onto Seamus' arm for support. As he makes his way up to 'HIS Tire', the kittens (and even some of the younger adults) cling to him and nuzzle his fur.*

Well of a
ll things can it be really?
No
. Yes. Ho. Hi. Oh my eye!
My mind may be wandering but I admit
I believe it is Old Prof. Dumbledore
!

Well of
all things can it be really?
No
. Yes. Ho. Hi. Oh my eye!

Prof. Dumbledore: My legs may be tottery; I must go slow
And be careful of Old Prof. Dumbledore

Harry: Magical Cats meet once a year

On the night we make the Magical choice

And now that the Magical Leader is here

Magical Cats can all rejoice!

*The kittens jump with excitement as the trumpets sound for a change in scenery, in which Harry has arranged entertainment for Old Prof. Dumbledore.*

Harry: Of the awfull battle of the Mystics and the Muggles
Together with some account
Of the participation of the Crups and the Norms
And the intervention of the Great Siriuscat

The Mystics and the Muggles everyone knows
Are proud and implacable fanatical foes
It is always the same wherever one goes

The Crups and the Norms although most people say
That they do not like fighting yet once in a way
They now and again join into the fray
And they--

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Harry: Until you could hear them all over the Park

Now on the occasion of which I shall speak
Almost nothing had happened for nearly a week
(And that's a long time for a Crup or a Norm)

The big Ministry Dog was away from his post
I don't know the reason but most people think
He slipped into the Three Broomsticks for a drink

And no one at all was about on the street
When a Crup and a Norm happened to meet
They did not advance or exactly retreat
But they glared at each other and scraped their hind feet
And started to--

Hermione: *dressed as a 'Crup'* Bark!

Ron: *dressed as a 'Norm'* Bark!

Hermione: Bark!

Ron: Bark!

Hermione: Bark!

Ron: Bark.

Hermione: Bark.

Ron: Bark?

Until you could hear them all over the Park
And they--

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Harry: Until you could hear them all over the Park

Now the Crup although most people may say what they please
Is no Muggle Dog but a Wizarding breed
And so all the Norms when they heard the uproar
Some came to the window, some came to the door

(There were surely a dozen, more likely a score)

And together they started to grumble and wheeze
In their huffery-snuffery Mystical speak
But a terrible din is what Norms like
For your Muggle Dog is a dour Yorkshire tyke

Guys: There are dogs out of every nation
The Irish, the Welsh and the Dane
The Russian, the Dutch, the Dalmatian
And even from China and Spain
The Poodle, the Pom, the Alsatian
And the mastiff who walks on a chain

Harry: And to those that are frisky and frollical
Let my meaning be perfectly plain

Guys: That my name it is Little Tom Mystical
And you'd better not do it again

Harry: And his braw Scottish cousins are snappers and biters
And every dog-jack of them notable fighters
And so they stepped out with their pipers in order
Playing When the Blue Bonnets Come Over the Border

*Draco appears playing the bagpipes and runs across the stage.*

Harry: Then the Crups and the Norms held no longer aloof
But some from the balcony, some from the roof
Join into the din with a--

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Girls: Bark!

Guys: Bark!

Harry: Until you could hear them all over the Park

Girls: Huffery snuffery huffery snuffery
huffery snuffery huffery SNUFF!

Harry: Until you could hear them all over the Park

*All, dressed as 'Dogs', start yapping and barking to imitate their foes. Harry looks extremely confused at first, then CAPS LOCK as he leans back and screams.*

Harry: NO!

*Everyone stops yapping and sits down immediately.*

When these bold heroes together assembled
The traffic all stopped and the Underground trembled
And some of the neighbours were so much afraid
That they started to ring up the Ministry Brigade!

When suddenly up from a small ramshackle flat
Why who should stalk out but

All: The Great Siriuscat!

*Sirius jumps across the stage (Batman style) and lands in a heap among dust bins. Harry helps him up.*

Harry: His eyes were like fireballs fearfully blazing
He gave a great yawn and his jaws were amazing

*Sirius snaps at Harry*

And when he looked out to examine the area
You never saw anything fiercer

*Sirius' hair stands, literally, on end*

Or hairier

And what with the glare of his eyes and his yawning
The Crups and the Norms quickly took warning
He looked at the sky and he gave a great leap
And they every last one of them scattered like sheep

And when the Ministry Dog returned to his beat
There wasn't a single one left in the street

*Harry and Sirius have a dance-off, with Harry determined to beat Sirius as he just tries to trip-up Harry at every possible moment. Draco reappears with his bagpipe and gets odd looks.*

All: All hail and power to the Great Siriuscat!

*Sirius rubs up his legs and over his chest to impose his mighty power on you mere mortals. Feel the burn.*

Prof. Dumbledore: Magical Cats and dogs all must

Mystic and Muggle dogs and Cats must

Like undertakers come to dust--

Ginny: Voldemort!

*We see Voldemort for about .007 of a second. All the Cats get paranoid and disappear among the junk. Old Prof. Dumbledore gets down form 'HIS Tire' and his fur starts shaking uncontrollably, but we see Seamus poke his head around him before running off. Everything is tense for a few seconds, with Harry standing in front of Old Prof. Dumbledore ready to protect him, but Fleur and Luna lead all the other Cats back to the stage in a very trance-like state.*

Prof. Dumbledore: Magical Cats come out tonight

Magical Cats, come one, come all

Fleur, Luna, and Harry: The Magical Moon is shining bright

Magicals come to the Magical Ball

Dean: Magical Cats are black and white

Magical Cats are rather small

Magical Cats are happy--

Lee: And bright!

Fleur and Luna: And pleasant to hear when we traipse through the hall

Cedric: Magical Cats have cheerful faces

Neville: Magical Cats wear bright black robes

Seamus: We like to practice our manners and graces

All Present: And wait for the Magical Moon to rise

Charlie, Harry, and Bill: Magical Cats learn magic quickly

Lee: Magical Cats don't wear a wig

Mr. Weasley: Magical Cats are roly-poly

Seamus and Cedric: We know how to cast a spell and a jinx

Ginny: Until the Magical Moon appears

Tonks: We take our twilit and take our repose

Mrs. Weasley: Magicals wash behind their ears

Prof. McGonagall: Magicals don't write answers on their nose

Frank and Alice: Magical Cats are Gryffindors

Ron and Hermione: Magical Cats are a temperate size

Lee, Neville, and Cedric: Magicals creep like a sneakoscope!

Lavender: Magical Cats have moonlit eyes

All: We're quiet enough in the morning hours

We're quiet enough in the afternoon

Harry and Seamus: Reserving our terpsichorean powers

All: To spellcast by the light of the Magical Moon!

Dean: Magical Cats are black--

Pansy, Fleur, and Hermione: And white!

Neville, Cedric, and Seamus: Magical Cats (as we said) are small

Charlie, Harry, and Bill: If it happens to be a stormy night

Neville, Cedric, and Seamus: We will practice a charm or two in the hall!

All: If it happens the sun is shining bright

Draco: You would say we have nothing to do at all

All: We are resting and saving ourselves to be right

For the Magical Moon and the Magical Ball!

Magical Cats come out tonight!

Magical Cats, come one, come all!

The Magical Moon is shining bright

Magicals come to the Magical Ball!

*The hyperactive tune turns to amore serene one as the Cats start their dancing.*

Magical Cats come out tonight

Magical Cats, come one, come all

The Magical Moon is shining bright

Magicals come to the Magical Ball...

*The cats dance for the next 10 minutes (we timed it) to a medley of most of the songs in the play. All the characters get their momentary limelight and go off with their mate and/or friends. Eventually, Fleur breaks free from the crowd and takes about one minute to mate with Bill. Eww. Moving on. All get up again after a brief break from a catpile and start flash dancing.*

*After the big booty shaking is over, Prof. Trelawney lumbers onto the stage and is once again reached out to by the kittens and adolescents but shunned by the adults.*

Prof. McGonagall: You see the border of her cloak is torn

And stained with tea

Luna (reaching out to Prof. Trelawney):

And you see the corner of her glasses crack

Like a broken wand...

*Prof. McGonagall pulls Luna away. Eventually, all the Cats leave the stage so that the only ones left are Prof. Trelawney and Old Prof. Dumbledore, who is quietly sitting on 'HIS Tire'. Prof. Trelawney tries to do a lil' dance number, but doesn't quite manage to pull it off. She doesn't realise Prof. Dumbledore is watching her the WHOLE TIME.*

Prof. Trelawney: Midnight

Not a sound from the courtyard

Has the Moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone

In the lamp light

The withered tea leaves collect at my feet

As the Whomping Willow begins to moan

Every lamp post

Seems to beat a fatalistic warning

Someone mutters, and the lamp post gutters

And soon it will be morning

Memory

All alone in the tower

I can smile at the old days

I was credible then

I remember the time I knew what fortune telling was

Let the Memory live again...

*Prof. Dumbledore reaches out to her as she totters offstage, and Prof. Trelawney stops and almost turns. Prof. Dumbledore looks sad as she decides against it and walks off.*

End Act One