Only Temporary

Only Temporary

October 30, 1981

We fought that night. Well, we fought almost every night.

Our nerves were frayed, of course, and all of us felt as if we were at the end of our ropes. But we kept coming back to each other; we couldn't stay away.

I watched him from the corner of my eye as I cooked, watching him pacing back and forth. It was obvious that he wanted to go out, wanted to do something, wanted to fight.

I was simply unsure who he would be fighting against, or fighting for.

And he had made a point of wondering the same thing about me.

"How can you be so bloody calm, Remus!" he suddenly shouted, his voice hoarsely ripping through our careful truce. "How can you just stand there when you know our friends could be out there dying tonight?"

I turned to look at him, wondering again if he was referring to mutual friends or really ones that I had never met, except on the other side of a wand.

"There's nothing we can do," I answered softly. "You know our orders."

"No, you know what, I think that you just don't care. Are they both of our friends now, or just mine?"

My eyes blazed at the assumption as I completely forgot about food and dinner and everything outside of the two of us.

"I don't know, Sirius, why don't you tell me? Whom are you worried about?"

"You doubt me?"

He sounded so amazed, as if nobody had thought it, nobody had wondered it. I laughed aloud at the absurdity of it all.

"And why not, Padfoot? Why should I when you sneak off at night without telling me? Why should I believe you when you lie as easily as breathe?" Somehow my laugh had turned into a sob.

"Why should I trust you when you obviously don't trust me?"

Silence hung thickly over us as we faced each other warily, wondering whom the traitor really was.

"I love you Remus," he said softly.

And I broke.

"You said the same thing when you almost got me expelled. You said the same thing when you almost got me killed. Now what are you using it for? Are you trying to destroy me now? Don't tell me you love me until you tell me everything, every little thing that you've been keeping from me."

His sad, yearning look suddenly went cold.

"Oh no Remus, you won't trick me that easily. So fine, I won't tell you how much I love you, how much you mean to me, because why would you care, right? What would that mean to you? Nothing."

I stalked forward, pushing both of my hands roughly against his strong chest. "I love you, Sirius," I said sharply. "It causes me anguish everyday and someday I may regret ever having gotten into this, but I love you. And I hate that I can't trust you anymore."

I pulled away, knowing what I had to do. I looked up into his beautiful grey eyes, eyes that I had thought I knew so well.

"Until I know that I can trust you, I can't do this. I'm leaving, temporarily." I traced my hand gently down his cheek, feeling the muscles there clenching spasmodically. I smiled sadly at him, letting my hand fall as I backed away from him slowly.

"I'm sorry Sirius. I really do love you. But I can't live like this anymore. I promise it'll only be temporary, if that's what you want."

"Only temporary," he whispered hoarsely. And then, despairingly, "I don't think I can live without you, Moony."

"Yes you can, Padfoot. You'll see."

And I left then. He didn't call me back, didn't even breathe a word, though I knew neither of us really wanted this. But the promise that we would soon be together again made sure that I walked out of the door to our flat.

October 31, 1981, the day I found out that 'temporarily' could last a very long time indeed.