Nobody's Home

She used to go to church every Sunday, without fail. She'd be the loudest singer of the four of us, always ready to lead the congregation, even if she couldn't hit a note to save her life. To fellow church members, the mother of my children was one of the most outstanding people they'd ever met.

Oh, how wrong they were.

She'd arrive home from work at odd hours every night, reeking of men's cologne although there were no males allowed at Fiddletown High, the all-girls school that she was the principal of. She'd never be home to cook dinner for the kids, or do the laundry, or any of that. It was always my job to take care of little Devon and Julia, to make sure they had their report cards signed and their lunches packed in the mornings.

I once was a promising wizard from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but now I'm Mr. Mom. Oh, how they'd laugh if they had seen my life, now; living as a normal Muggle family, having two adorable children, and a wife that was having an affair, and not knowing why...

Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way

I never knew why she kept up the mask. I still don't know why she decided to sleep with another man. All I remember is the lonely nights in bed, waiting for her to creep in and lie down, waking up in the mornings to find her gone, never understanding what I'd done wrong.

She felt it everyday

And I couldn't help her

One Friday night, Devon had a football game and I had called her on her cellphone to remind her. She said that she'd be there at a quarter to six, fifteen minutes before the game began. She always was punctual when we were dating.

Quarter to six came and went. So did six, six-thirty, and seven.

Devon had made two goals that night. He was so proud of himself when he ran over to me at eight o'clock, hugging me happily. It nearly broke me to see his face fall from such a state of jubilation to the horrible, saddened look that took over his face.

"Mom had to work again, didn't she, Dad?" he'd asked.

I let the tears fall as I propped him onto my shoulders and told him that he could tell it all to her the following morning, grasped the hand of little Julia tightly, and made my way to the van.

I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

That night, I waited up for her. It was 2AM before she finally walked through the door. I yelled and screamed at her for not coming to the match, and she matched me in equal volume, saying that she'd had to stay back to watch over a late detention.

That was the last night I spent at the house.

When the kids left for school and, of course, she had already gone, I packed up all of the kids' things, all of my things, and loaded up the van. I had a large nest egg stored away in a separate bank account across town, and I used it to purchase a new home for the kids and I. It was a beautiful house, albeit a bit small, and I was determined to make a fresh start on things.

I picked the kids up from school that day and explained what I'd done to them. Devon was a little annoyed at me at first, but I think that when he remembered the night before, his resolve weakened and he agreed to come with me. Little Julia just sat there, wide-eyed as I talked to them. When I'd finished, she had only one sentence for me.

"Does this mean you and Mommy are getting a divorce?"

I simply hugged her fiercely and told her that it was all going to be okay. It was so hard to answer their questions truthfully.

A week later, I received a phone call from her. I'd left a letter on the mantle, explaining what I'd done. It took her a week to get the phone number, which surprised me. She had contacts across the globe! Was it that hard to get one phone number?

"Why'd you take them from me?" she'd demanded.

"You mean you actually noticed? I'm surprised." I'd responded acidly.

"Where'd you go with them? You have to tell me!" she'd shrieked. She never could handle my sarcasticness.

"No, I don't. You'd just make promises to them that you can't keep and I'd have to be there to console them again. You can rot in hell for all I care! You will never see them again unless you prove to me that you've changed your ways. You'll never see your children that you carried for nine months ever again until you become the woman I married! Stop the affairs, stop the lies, stop the masks! Just...stop! I'll be praying for you. Good-bye."

What's wrong, what's wrong now?

And I never heard from her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd begun to yell at him again, after he'd said that to me, but he'd already hung up. I slammed the phone down in response, and sunk to the floor, tears strangling my voice. Why had Seamus done this to me? I couldn't have told him what I was really doing. He'd never had understood. He thought I was having an affair. He was wrong, but right in a way. In any case, I had been wearing a mask.

The mask of the Death Eaters.

Oh, how they'd laugh, if my old Hogwarts friends thought I was a Death Eater! Me? I was one of the most unlikely candidates for Voldemort to take. They'd have a good chuckle and go to bed happy.

I wish it was only an affair.

Too many, too many problems

At that moment, I felt the first tug to run away from Voldemort. I always called him that in my mind from then on, trying to fight him at least internally. But, the fact remained that I continued my job, supplying Muggle children for him to perform his experiments on. I thanked the heavens above that I was able to cure them all after he'd finished with them.

I wanted to get out...but I knew that if I did, Voldemort would find my family and torture them. I couldn't let that happen, so there I remained.

Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

Every night I return to the empty house and cry. I hardly get any sleep anymore. I miss them all, but I can't go and find them. Seamus wouldn't let me through the door.

She wants to go home
But nobody's home

I have to keep doing my job to protect them. It's all I can do to see the Junior Football League statistics in the Sports section of the newspaper and not burst into tears. I sit in the bed at night and miss Seamus next to me.

That's where she lies
Broken inside

Outside, I'm still the same woman.

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes

Inside, I'm broken.

Broken inside

~~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been five years since I left her. I gave the kids all the pictures I had of her so I wouldn't see them by chance. Sometimes, I even forgot she existed.

On Devon's 13th birthday, after his party, he seemed strangely quiet. I asked him why.

"Well...this is going to sound stupid, but...I just kinda thought...Mom would've called by now. Or written. Or something! I mean, I can hardly remember what she looks like anymore! All I have are the pictures you gave me...I just...I want her back, Dad."

So I crossed the room and hugged him. We cried together that night.

It was the last time I ever saw Devon cry.

Open your eyes
And look outside

Julia's birthday was only a month after Devon's, in early June. She had just gotten out of school and was eager for the vacation to start. It was June 14th, her 11th birthday, that my world was shaken to its core once again.

At midnight of that day, an owl tapped on my window. I let it in, warily, thinking it must have been from her. I wondered why in the world she would use the old Wizarding way. She knew I wanted to be a Muggle.

But it wasn't from her.

It was from Hogwarts. They wanted Julia.

I told the kids the next morning all about my past. Devon didn't talk to me for a week after that.

Julia, on the other hand, was delighted and ecstatic. We spent the summer together, talking about Hogwarts and magic and all that. Devon, after he got over his little fit, soon became very interested in his magical history and began to read my old schoolbooks after Julia finished them.

When the time came to go to Diagon Alley, I was nervous. More nervous than Julia, even. Devon noticed this and he led Julia most of the way to London and the fabled street that held the Leaky Cauldron. I was shocked when Devon pointed at it very clearly.

"That's it, isn't it, Dad?" he asked.

"Yeah, Dev, it is. But---"

"How did I know? Dad, I've been reading every book you've got. Surely you thought I'd come across the entrance to the Magical World in one of them?"

He chuckled and opened the door to go inside. Then I noticed he held his sister hand quite firmly as he went through first. I felt like a fool. Muggles could see magic just fine if they were in physical contact with a wizard or witch. I should have remembered that.

As we walked through the pub, I kept my head down until we exited. Except for one moment, where I looked to see if Tom was still the barkeeper. He was, indeed.

I pulled out my old, dusty wand from my pocket and strained my brain to remember the sequence to get inside. I gave up and asked Devon for it, which he promptly (and smugly) told me. All three of us gasped as we saw the entrance to Diagon Alley unfold for another generation.

We came out of London smiling happily and carrying packages. I had met my old friend Dean Thomas and we'd had lunch with him and his family. It turned out he married Millicent Bulstrode, from Slytherin. I was surprised to hear him introduce her, because she'd changed so much. He asked where my wife was. I told her we'd split up and he promptly dropped it. But, the rest of the afternoon was delightful for all three of us. Devon was carrying loads of shrunken books, Julia was decked out in the latest robes and held her wand in awe for half of the day.

As I went to bed that night, I realised that the only thing that could have made that better was having their mother come back.

Then I realized that that would be impossible. If, after five years, she didn't want to see her children, then she'd never want to see them. Or me, for that matter.

Find the reasons why
You've been rejected

The offer still stood if she was willing to take it. To me, it didn't seem all that hard. All she had to do was drop the boyfriend and write us a letter.

Simple.

And now you can't find
What you've left behind

~~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

Voldemort had me leave the school for another prize; Hogwarts. Dumbledore was still around, but he wasn't that sharp. A quick sobstory and I was into his ranks as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. How ironic.

I was perfectly fine, mentally. I hadn't forgotten my children, but I assured myself this was still the best thing for me to do for them.

Until Julia walked in.

I didn't know it was her, at first, until that old crow McGonagall called out her name.

She was so tall, now. Long blonde hair, still the same beautiful eyes...and now she was a Ravenclaw. I was sure Seamus would hate that.

Thinking about Seamus hurt, though. I suddenly couldn't stand to look at my daughter anymore. I had to look away, look at my plate that was empty halfway throughout the meal, look at old Flitwick still balancing himself on books to see, look at anything but her.

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems

Now, more than ever before, I wanted to be a proud parent. I wanted to say that I had a witch for a daughter.

But I didn't, really.

I didn't have a daughter anymore. I didn't have anyone. I prayed that Julia wouldn't recognise me when I taught her classes. I realised that I'd have to go by my maiden name, for the first time in ages.

Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

I didn't teach Julia's class until Thursday. That gave me three days to get over this. Get over this loss of control. I'd last five years without her, surely I could make it three more days.

And that's what I kept telling myself. The twice-a-week dose of my daughter's face was enough to keep me sane when Voldemort ordered me here and there, made me spy on my fellow teachers, and even suggest joining the Dark Forces to some of the older students. In private, of course, with a Memory Charm ready in case they felt like snitching.

I said I was sane, but I'm still crying every night, in my room. I've had to brush up on my Cleaning Charms because of all the potential parchment I could've ruined thanks to them.

She wants to go home
But nobody's home

I'll make it through this. I'll teach Julia everything she needs to know so that she never has to make the choices I did.

That's where she lies
Broken inside

I'll be her favorite Professor. She'll adore me above all the rest, you'll see. When she goes home for Christmas...

With no place to go
No place to go

When she goes...home...it'll be...all she'll talk about...

To dry her eyes

After all, isn't that what a mother is supposed to do?

Broken inside

~~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't take it anymore! I have to do something. I'll have to quit the job. I can't do what Voldemort is asking me to do. His punishments will be more merciful than this...this torture!

Her feelings she hides

I have nightmares every night about Julia...and Devon...and Seamus. Every night, they yell at me for not being there for them. I see Devon scoring goal after goal in football...Seamus coming home to an empty bed...and Julia...my Julia...fighting off Boggarts and Red Caps so bravely...like her father...

Her dreams she can't find

I can't just sit at the front of the room and not want to hold her, touch her, talk to her. I have to yell at her, and take points from her! From my own daughter! She doesn't even know I'm her mother!

She's losing her mind

I have to ask the only other Professor I can confide in to grade her papers for me. I couldn't ask Hagrid. He's the nicest man, but he can't keep secrets. Flitwick has too much on his hands and I wouldn't trust Snape with anything. I know he's a double act. McGonagall would be too harsh, Sprout too lenient. Binns can't hold a quill. Trelawney is an old bat. Hooch is dead. So is Sinistra. Even the old Ancient Runes teacher is dead. The only one I can turn to is Professor Vector, the Arithmancy teacher. She's never asked why, but I bet she knows. She's the most intelligent of them all, I think...

She's falling behind

I almost called her Julia the other night, when I caught her sneaking down to the Kitchens with her friends. I stopped myself just in time and made it look dignified.

And she can't find her place

I don't think this was the best plan, anymore. I think I want to give it all up...this double life of mine...

She's losing her faith

I just can't do this...I can't...I can't watch her live as I die inside...I have to go to Dumbledore and hope he saves me...

She's falling from grace

No. I can't. I can't go to him. I have to keep doing this. Voldemort would make me stay, anyways. I never could resist the Imperius.

She's all over the place, yeah

~~~~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

The final exams are here at last. I've managed to make it to this point and not kill myself. I'm proud. I've made up my mind at last.

I'm going to tell Julia who I am. Right after she finishes this exam she's taking. It's her last one of the year. She'll be so delighted that she's done with them.

She won't be allowed to tell Seamus, of course. He can't know. But she can tell Devon. I want them both to know that their mother is still here, still protecting them forever.

She wants to go home
But nobody's home

It'll kill me to not see them. Maybe I can get Julia to sneak Devon up here. I don't know how'd she do it, but if anyone could, it would be her.

I'll still cry every night, at my flat back in Hogsmeade. Hopefully, they'll be tears of joy after I tell her.

That's where she lies
Broken inside

I got her an owl. It's a snowy owl, a little like Harry's old girl, Hedwig. I hear she's still doing well. It's amazing that she can go on for all these years.

With no place to go
No place to go

I guess I'm a little like her, myself. I'm always doing what people tell me. I'll always exist as long as someone has a need for me.

To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Julia's almost finished, now. I can't wait to tell her. I really do hope she takes the news well. I'm sure she will, though. She's a very stable little girl.

She's lost inside
Lost inside, oh ohhh

Voldemort is taking the back burner. My family comes first. I should have realised it a long, long time ago, but I never did. It's funny how you think you know everything when you're a teenager, and then you find out that you were so completely wrong.

She's lost inside

Class is over. The exams are coming in. I catch Julia's hand as she drops hers off.

"A moment, Miss Finnigan. Don't give me that look, you're not in trouble. The rest of you, go!"

The class is gone. Only Julia remains.

"Take a seat, dear. This is going to be quite a bit for you to handle."

"I already know, Mom," she responds.

"I'm so sorry, honey. I had to, you understand..."

I'm completely unraveled. This is not how it was supposed to go, but I'll take it anyways.

"It's okay, Mom. You had your reasons, I'm sure," she replied.

I hugged her, and we cried together.

Lost inside, oh ohhh

After I explained everything to her, she only had one question.

"Do I still have to call you Professor Lovegood?"