Queer Eye for the Giant Guy

"Aieee! That facial foliage! Talk about a Forbidden Forest!

"Don’t make me touch any of his clothing! It’s going to be Bonfire Night early, kids!"

"Ted, stop crying! Jai, give Thom some oxygen or put a spoon in his mouth or something!

"We’re the Fab Five! We can do this!"

Scene: a huge, crude stone hut at the edge of a dark forest. Mysterious music issues from its murky depths…

"All things just keep getting better…"

Five bleached-oak special-edition Silver Swan broomsticks with individually hand-polished lilac lacquered plantation-grown Finnish white birch twigs swoop down out of the early morning sky. The riders dismount and plant themselves in a V formation with their arms folded resolutely across their chests.

"Hagrid! Rubeus Hagrid!" the slender blonde at the point of the formation screeches. "Rise and shine! Alohomora!" The door crashes open and an enormous hairy figure in a burlap nightshirt fills the frame, blinking and scratching.

"Eh? Wot th’… Malfoy, yeh bleedin’ little ferret, I’ll…"

"Malfoy? Please!" snaps the blond. "We’re the Fab Five, and your colleagues thought you needed our special transatlantic make-better!" The Fab Five sweep past the terrified half-giant, swarming his hut like flaming lavender Dementors.

"Omigod! You’ve never shaved, have you?"

"Eh?"

"No. No. No. Oh, God, no? Okay. We’ll just dig a pit and bury all this stuff. Do you even own a proper set of robes?"

"Ah…"

"This meat isn’t curing, it’s rotting. Don’t be afraid of normal food. Just eat more of it."

"See, I…"

"Thom, stop it! You can use magic! Somebody slap him…"

(Cue the Mysterious Music)

The Girlfriend
"’Agrid, ‘e ees vairee gentile, au fond. ‘E requires merely a leetle refinement, oui? Non?

The Boss
"Rubeus Hagrid is a respected educator at this school. It is high time he ceased looking like a furry little woodland creature on steroids."

The Students
"He’s wicked cool. Some of the Muggleborns are afraid of him, though."

The Brother
"Agger! Arrgh!"

Apparate to Diagon Alley, Salon Gilderoi Pour Homme:
"Okay. I’m thinking shoulder length, off the face, crop the beard…"

Gladrags Wizardwear:
"Athletes love Armani, he understands the heartier male physique and he’s got a magical line we think will really work for you…"

And back at the hut:

"Breathe, Thom. Deep, cleansing breaths… Alright, Ted, you’re not helping!"

"All things just keep getting better…"

"Blimey! This ain’t me ol’ hut! Indoor plumbin’ an’ all! Ah, yer a genius, Thom!"

(Outtakes show Jai pummeling Thom with a dead ferret.)

"Omigod, Kyan, that’s all you! He looks like a giant mutant brunette Robbie Coltrane with a beard, he’s gorgeous!"

"Now, see, big as he is, vertical stripes would be useless as well as a total cliché. We went with the oxblood, and it really works, in a kind of Henry VIII way…"

"Look, look, he’s speaking French! Ooh, she understood!"

"Oh, here’s the surprise, here’s the Headmaster…"

"Rubeus Hagrid, your innocence of the offense for which you were expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry having been established and your independent mastery of the skills we teach here amply demonstrated, both to the eminent satisfaction of the Ministry of Magic, I take pleasure in presenting to you this certificate signed by Minister Cornelius Fudge declaring to all and sundry that you, Professor Hagrid, are a fully qualified wizard. And, ah… this package from Mr. Ollivander… sixteen inches, oak, dragon heartstring, I believe it was?"

"Ohhh! Could you just melt?"

"I think we did it again!"

"Cheers, queers!"