Less Than Strangers

Chapter Nine - I Fall To Pieces

I'm finding my way back to sanity again / Though I don't really know what / I'm gonna do when I get there / Take a breath and hold on tight / Spin around one more time / And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace...

New Year's Eve found Hermione Granger - despite her previous declarations that one could not go to bed before midnight on a night like this - sound asleep on her bed. She did not hear the sounds of fireworks exploding in the Muggle village nearby. She did not hear the knocks on her door, or Severus Snape's quiet voice asking her to open up. She did not hear his voice changing from polite to insistent to angry to desperate. She did not hear his murmured apologies and his pleas to open the door. She did not hear his voice grow tired and hoarse, and she did not hear how he finally gave up and, strangling a sob that threatened to escape his mouth, left her door to return to his bottle of Firewhisky.

But in Hermione Granger's case, ignorance was not bliss, and dark thoughts tormented her mind. She lay in agony, unable to talk, unable to move. The dream had captured her, and it wouldn't let go.

She had thought that Dreamless Sleep would be her solace for tonight, and that she would face her demons in the morning, when there was light and sunshine to back her up. The potion, however, was failing.

She dreamed, and with the dream came horror.

She was back in Severus' study with the warm fire and the gentle light of the candles illuminating the room, but she could feel no warmth. The cold spread out in her body like a fire, but it froze her instead of burning her insides. She shivered. Then she realised that she was not alone. Severus was there. That was good. He would save her. He always did. He was a good man, and he loved her. He wouldn't, couldn't hurt her... Could he?

No! He would save her, and protect her from the shadow.

The shadows...

They were watching her. Even now, they lurked in the corners of the room, ready to strike and rip her heart out. She narrowed her eyes. Yes, she could feel the shadows - they were part of the cold, and in some ways, they were part of herself now. She had touched the darkness, and it had seeped into her. She knew it wouldn't let go once it got hold of someone.

Quickly, she moved closer to Severus. Finally, she could feel warmth. She needed Severus. Needed him to keep her safe, and sane. She needed to touch him, because he was warmth, and she needed the fire to burn her because if it kept freezing her insides then she would finally break and crumble, and only a dark silvery pile of powdered glass and ice would be left in her place.

She touched his face first, gently, barely feeling his hot skin under her fingertips. He didn't move, didn't look at her. Slowly, she sat down in his lap, straddling him. She felt an explosion of flames everywhere they touched, and pressed herself against him. The warmth kept her alive, and she needed it.

Finally, Severus met her gaze, and she was shocked. He was empty, only a shell that looked like him. His eyes held no emotion at all, and they looked like she would imagine the eyes of a Dementor's Kiss' victim. She shuddered. How could he be so warm and full of hot, pulsating life when he was nothing but a vacant body, no more than a ghost in flesh? - It was a contradiction in itself, but a true enough assessment.

She was devastated. He needed to be real, needed to be alive. She tried to think of ways to bring him back, bring the fire that possessed his body back into his eyes and soul. Eventually, she kissed him, because it seemed the right thing to do. He loved her, and there was only one way she could elicit an emotion so strong that it brought him back.

The kiss was supposed to bring back her saviour. Instead, it brought her a nightmare. Suddenly, all the fire died, and Severus grew cold. She wanted to back away, to look into his eyes, to see if he was back, but she couldn't. His hands had her in a death grip, and she couldn't break free. His mouth was pressed to hers, and she couldn't breathe. Her heart was beating so fast that she could not make out the individual beats anymore. She was panicking now, fighting with all her might, but she wasn't strong enough.

He was stronger, in every aspect, and he could crush her. He did.

In seconds, his tongue invaded her mouth while his hands ripped off her robes, leaving her embarrassingly exposed and vulnerable. Then she found that her hands were bound, and she couldn't move. She felt the cold air around her almost naked body, and her nipples grew hard because of the cold.

He laughed, and claimed her mouth once again. His hands hurtfully pinched and groped, and then she felt the all too familiar sensation of her knickers being pulled down to her ankles. She wanted to scream, but her throat was hurting and she couldn't manage to utter a sound. His hands, now as cold as the air, made her squirm and struggle, but to no avail. She couldn't keep him from hurting her; she was helpless. She closed her eyes, tears forming behind her eyelids. She didn't want to watch. She didn't want to witness how Severus, grinning and sneering and smirking, killed the last bit of hope there was.

When he entered her brutally, she felt a stab of pain, and she forced herself to open her eyes again. The first thing she saw was his eyes, black as the night and devoid of emotions. He was grinning maliciously, but his eyes didn't reflect the feeling upon his soul. The sight let her shatter within, and she just knew that she couldn't be whole again. A sob escaped her.

Then their surroundings began to change. She was no longer pinned down against the sofa, but lay on the stone floor in the cave. Her whole body ached, and a sharp stone poked her in the back. With every thrust it dug a bit deeper into her back, and she felt the skin tear and bleed.

Then Severus' features changed. He was no longer Severus, but a faceless man, wearing a hideous mask.

She was crying now. She wanted to be home, she wanted to be safe. But if she could not be safe with Severus, where could she go? The truth hit her with unbelievable force: There was nowhere to go. She could either surrender, or shatter completely. It was submission, or destruction.

She felt it clearly now. She was falling apart, but she was a Gryffindor, and she would never give in. She raised her head, proud that she could still manage the little movement despite the enormous amount of pain that was making the rest of her body shake uncontrollably. She would rather shatter than give in.

The wave of despair hit her hard, and she let her head fall down again, unable to make her muscles work any longer. Her gaze was drawn to the face of her tormenter, and all she could see was a huge, lipless mouth opening up to devour her.

The world went black.

She woke up screaming.

Moments later, there was a knocking on her door. "Hermione? What happened?"

Severus. She didn't want to see him. Not just yet.

"Are you all right?" He sounded worried. "Say something? Are you hurt?"

She didn't want to cry.

"Hermione?"

She didn't want to shatter.

"Hermione, back away from the door, I'm coming in now!"

She didn't want to fall apart.

"Okay. One... Two..."

She just wanted to be whole again.

"Three!" The door burst open, and Severus stood in the doorway. His hair was slightly dishevelled, and be was breathing hard.

Hermione took one look at him and knew that she couldn't hide anymore. She knew that it was too late - she was already starting to crumble around the edges, and if she were not very careful, she would soon dissipate into a pile of broken pieces.

And as sure as she was about her own fate, she knew that Severus Snape would always have one of the main parts in the tragic comedy (or was it a comedic tragedy?) that was her life. She knew that she hadn't been able to stop herself from falling, and she knew she would, now that she had hit the ground, shatter from the impact. But she also knew that he was there for her, to help her pick up the pieces, and maybe even to glue them back together. He was her security line, and she had every intention to hold on to it.

Crying, she flung herself into his arms.

Severus, clearly surprised at her outburst, hesitantly put his arms around her shaking form and simply held her.

***

Gradually, she became aware of her surroundings. She was lying in bed, but she was not alone. Severus was lying beside her, almost underneath her, and had one arm draped protectively around her shoulders. She didn't move, partly because she did not want to wake him, partly because she did not want to disturb the inner peace that kept her from panicking again. Maybe it was the fact that they were both dressed, or simply the feeling that she trusted him, which kept her from running away screaming.

She studied Severus' face. The sunlight outlined his features very sharply. Half his face lay in shadows, whereas the other part was bathed in light. She reckoned it was only fitting. He could, after all, be very ambiguous if he had to.

She sighed. Her life was a right mess, and she hadn't the faintest idea how to make things right again.

Severus seemed to have heard the soft sound of her sigh, because he stirred slightly and reflexively pulled her closer to him, be he did not wake up.

Hermione felt her heartbeat accelerate but she willed herself not to panic. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on what she was feeling, both physically and mentally. She was comfortably warm. The light blanket was drawn up to her waist and her upper body was warmed by Severus'. She didn't know if she'd kicked off her shoes, or if Severus had removed them, but she was acutely aware of the fact that she wasn't wearing any socks, because her left foot was resting between Severus' ankles, lightly touching him. If she moved her leg, which was slung around his, she noticed, she could feel the fabric of his robes brush against the sensitive skin, tickling her.

Her left arm was resting lightly on Severus' stomach, while the other arm lay between their bodies.

So, they were touching a lot, and it wasn't too uncomfortable, was it? If she could hold his hand, and stay in his arms while he Apparated them to another Order meeting, could she also lay beside him and sleep? Was she really about to panic, or could she stay still and maybe even like it? She considered this for a moment, and then realised that she could. Despite everything that had happened the night before, she could still trust him. She still felt safe in his arms, and she knew he would protect her.

A tapping noise came from the window, and within seconds, Severus jumped up, wand drawn. He realised that it had been an owl, and tucked the wand away, untying two letters from its leg and turned around.

"Here," he said, handing her the letter. "This one's for you."

Hermione took it, and saw Harry's familiar handwriting on the front. She opened the letter eagerly.

Dear Hermione,

Dumbledore says you've left your parents' house, but he won't tell us where you are. We miss you terribly. It's a shame you couldn't come to the Burrow as well. Charlie's here, too, and he brought presents for us. Ron got a Dragonhide belt and Ginny a necklace. I got a real dragon tooth - from a Hungarian Horntail. Charlie says I needed a trophy for "fighting" one in my forth year, but he couldn't manage to get a tooth before now. He has something for you, too, but he won't say what it is.

I hope you got your presents (thank you for the jigsaw puzzle - I'd never seen a wizarding puzzle before and they're awfully difficult because the pieces change all the time).

Ron and Ginny say hi and thank you, too.

Hoping to see you soon,

Harry

She smiled slightly. The letter was the most normal thing she'd seen in ages, and it eased her mood a bit. She looked up and found Severus staring at her.

"The Headmaster wants us to come to an Order meeting this evening," he said, looking worried.

"Did he say why?"

"No, but does he ever?" Severus sighed. "I'd better check on the potion," he said, and left.

Hermione stared at the door. He'd just left. She frowned. There were two explanations: One, he was very worried. She didn't know what Dumbledore's letter said, but she was sure it was important. Two, he was embarrassed. They'd woken up together, and it had been a bit awkward. She hadn't known what to say, and he probably wasn't sure what to say to her either. After all, she'd kissed and then left him, only to throw herself at him later that night. Maybe he was confused.

Hermione shook her head and stood up, leaving for the bathroom. She would find out.

***

She'd taken a quick shower and gathered her hair into a French plait, hoping that it would be tamer when it was dry. She put on a pair of jeans and her favourite blue jumper, and then set off towards the lab.

She knocked, not wanting to startle him.

"Enter," he growled.

Classroom voice, she thought, but she didn't know if that was a good sign or a bad one.

"Morning," she said, looking over his shoulder at what he was writing. He only grunted and continued to write.

"What are you writing?" she asked, determined to start a conversation. "Is it a diary?"

"No, it's not," he grumbled. "If it were, do you really think I'd risk letting you see it?"

"No, suppose not."

There was a pause.

"It's a sort of journal. I keep track of the potions I brew and the ingredients I use. That way, I can plan when to buy new ingredients," he said, putting the quill aside. "I need to go to Diagon Alley."

Hermione's face lightened up. "Can I come with you?"

"Hermione-"

"Please," she interrupted before he could go on. "I want to go to Flourish and Blotts."

"Why?" He put the journal away. "You can use my library."

"Yes," she said. She loved the books in Severus' study, and she'd already read the most interesting ones. "But you don't have books on the topic I want to read."

"Which topic?"

"Divination," she mumbled.

"You want to read up on the prophecy?" He frowned.

"Yes. I need to find out all I can."

He sighed, defeated. "You can come, but you need to stay close to me." She nodded. If she had to accompany him to the apothecary, she might be able to purchase some ingredients herself. If she managed to convince Severus, that is.

They were silent again, Severus checking on the Wolfsbane Potion.

She felt the tension in the air, and knew that it was her fault for being stupid the night before. Things had been so well between them lately, and now everything was awkward again, so she did the best thing she could think of, and apologised. "I'm sorry."

He looked up. "Whatever for?"

"Yesterday... I didn't want to..."

"Hermione," he said, and walked up in front of her. "It was my fault. I should not have kissed you. You are vulnerable, and I was... I'm sorry." He took a breath and stopped her from saying something. "No, listen. You didn't really want to kiss me, I know that. You are emotionally very confused. I understand that you don't remember us together, and I know that you don't want a relationship with me right now, after what they did to you. You can't remember your feelings, and it's not your fault." He took a step back. "I can wait, you know."

"It was my fault," she said stubbornly. "I wanted to know if I could get my memories back by... I thought that maybe I'd remember kissing you if I did it again." She paused. "Severus, I want my memories back." She started to clasp and unclasp her fingers. "Is there a potion to restore them?"

She could see that he hesitated. That could either mean that there was no way to restore her memories, or that there was a way, only that it was very dangerous.

"Yes, there is a potion," he finally said. "But it's too dangerous. You could lose all your other memories in the process if it doesn't work."

"But-"

"Even if I brewed it - it's very unstable, and the chance that it works is only 20 per cent."

"But-"

"You would not only erase every memory, you would probably destroy your chances to get any NEWTs, preventing you from attending the university."

"But-"

"And what would-"

"SEVERUS!" she yelled, angry that he didn't even let her finish. "I need to have these memories back." She didn't know how to explain it to him. Their time together was the reason everything had happened, and she couldn't even remember it. It was like being punished for something you didn't even know you did wrong.

"All right," he eventually agreed. "But we must inform the Headmaster. You will need to take the potion in his presence, and Madam Pomfrey will have to be there, too. We cannot rush things, Hermione. The potion must be strategically planned out from beginning to end."

***

That day around noon, they Apparated into the Leaky Cauldron.

Severus was still holding her hand when they walked over to a table to order lunch. An old patron sitting at the bar leered at her, and she involuntarily gripped Severus' hand tighter. He looked over and glared at the old man.

They settled down and Tom took their orders.

Hermione looked around and saw two girls she knew from school, Hannah Abbott and Lisa Turpin, who were standing near the door, comparing Christmas presents, but they avoided her eyes although they had definitely seen her.

"Maybe we should have eaten at your house," she whispered. Severus' swivelled around to look at her. He shortly glanced at Hannah and Lisa, and scowled.

"I know, but the Headmaster suggested that we eat here."

"Why?" She couldn't think of a reason.

Severus shrugged. "I have no idea, but Albus usually has a clever plan." His upper lip curled into a sneer. "He probably wants us to make an appearance together so that he can tell people we are together - they wouldn't believe it otherwise."

Her eyes widened. "But the Headmaster wouldn't-" She broke off. Of course he would. He knew the prophecy, and it was clear what he expected from them. That was probably the reason he sent her to Severus in the first place. Although she was sure he would never try to hurt anyone deliberately, she had to admit that the Headmaster was capable of a little scheme.

"Don't worry," Severus said. "If Albus wants us to play a couple... well, we can always pretend."

Hermione nodded slowly. "But what about the little fact that you are my professor?"

Severus shrugged again. "Leave it to Albus. He really is good at scheming. And besides, you are an adult in both worlds, Hermione. No one can tell you what to do. As long as I don't treat you any different in class, I don't see a problem."

Tom brought their meals and they ate in silence. Hermione glanced at Lisa and Hannah, who were still standing near the door.

"I think they are waiting for us to do something," Severus said, startling her. She turned around to him.

"Like what?"

"They probably want to see if we kiss," Severus said, finishing his meal.

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"But we won't," he said. "Don't worry," he added. She smiled slightly.

"I wasn't thinking about that. I just wonder... what would they do if we did kiss?" Now it was Severus who raised an eyebrow. "Abbott would faint, while Turpin would try to get through to the fireplace to Floo everyone she knows." He stood up and extended his hand.

"Are you ready?"

She nodded and took his hand. Severus led her through the Leaky Cauldron towards the passage into Diagon Alley. He tapped the stones with his wand, and as the passage became visible, she couldn't help but tease him a bit.

"They were checking you out, you know..."

***

"We need to go to Knockturn Alley for those," Severus said, pointing at a few of the ingredients on his list.

"Okay then," Hermione said, swallowing hard. The thought of Knockturn Alley stirred memories in her, not her own, but the ones she'd seen in Severus' Pensieve. She didn't really like the idea of going to that dark place, but she didn't have a choice.

"I can always leave you at the Leaky Cauldron and come back to pick you up later," Severus said, as if he'd read her mind.

Hermione looked to her right, where an old sign pointed towards the entrance of Knockturn Alley. She shook her head.

"No. I want to come with you."

"All right then," he said, and took her hand. "Stay close."

"I will," she muttered, and followed him down the few steps. Instantly, she had the feeling as if all the light had left the world. The houses here stood closer together, and the shadows were omnipresent. She doubted that the sunbeams ever reached the ground in Knockturn Alley. It was also very quiet, which stood in direct contrast to the happy chatter that could be heard in Diagon Alley almost every time of the day.

"We should hurry up," Severus whispered, and she nodded. She really didn't like Knockturn Alley, and she didn't want to stay longer than she had to.

Severus led her down several streets, and after five or six turns they were standing in front of a shabby-looking shop. The sign simply read 'Potions'. The letters were already fading from view.

They stepped inside, and Hermione immediately wanted to choke from the hot, sweet air. She could smell various herbs and plants, as well as incense being burnt. She coughed, and opened her robes at the front, trying to make it easier to breathe. She briefly wondered how Severus could stand it.

"Ah, Professor," said a voice from the back of the shop. Hermione squinted, trying to make out the speaker, but all she could see was darkness.

"Mr. Douglas," Severus replied. He walked towards the shop's owner, and Hermione was forced to go with him, or to let go of his hand. She held on tightly and he gave her hand a short comforting squeeze.

To take the list Severus handed him, Mr. Douglas had to step out of the shadows. Hermione stifled a gasp before it could escape her lips. Mr. Douglas looked frightening. He was bald, and she could see fine red lines criss-crossing all over his skull. His pale blue eyes were blood-shed, and his left eye squinted slightly, making her feel as if she were under constant scrutiny, and she didn't like being watched. In contrast to his slim, long nose, his lips were full and very red, and his tongue flicked out every few seconds to lick them. Somehow his mouth reminded her of a Dementor's mouth.

She shuddered, and the movement seemed to draw Mr. Douglas' attention to her. He stopped reading the list and turned towards her, now eyeing her unashamedly, but he didn't say anything and went back to the list.

"I have everything you want in the back, Professor. It will take only a minute," he said, and stepped back into the shadows. Hermione couldn't make out a door, but if she was honest, she didn't really want to know what lay behind the shadows. Images of highly illegal plants and poisonous animals, body parts of magical creatures and probably of human beings. She shuddered again.

"Are you all right?" Severus asked quietly. She nodded.

"Yes," she said, looking around. Her eyes fell upon a jar with eyeballs whose label read '100 per cent human'. She quickly looked away. "It's just creepy."

"I told you-"

"That I could have stayed at the Leaky Cauldron, I know," she said, smiling. "But I still mean everything I said. I feel safe with you."

"How very... touching," a cruel voice said from the entrance. Hermione's smile died on her lips, and she saw Severus' expression close and turn into his usual cold stare.

"Lucius," he said, and nodded curtly. He did not, however, let go of her hand.

"Severus," Lucius Malfoy said, stepping into the shop. He looked at her, his upper lip curled in disgust. "And Miss Granger."

"Yes," Severus said.

"That's unexpected," Malfoy said, his eyes still on her. She felt uncomfortable.

"And none of your business," Severus replied, putting an arm around her shoulder.

Hermione knew what the conversation was about. Severus had just taken her side, and claimed that they belonged together.

"Well, I just hope you know what you're doing," Malfoy sneered. "And are ready to stand up to it." He quickly nodded towards Mr. Douglas, who had emerged from the back the second before, and exited the shop. Before Hermione had the chance to say something, Mr. Douglas handed Severus a wooden box.

"I placed the usual charms on it," Mr. Douglas said. "And, as always, I will deny to know about anything in that box should you be not careful."

Severus took the box and tapped his wand to the lid. He studied it for a moment, and then nodded. "How much?"

"Twenty-Six."

Severus nodded again, and took out a bag of money. He counted out twenty-six gold Galleons, and handed them over to Mr. Douglas. Without saying goodbye, Severus and Hermione left the shop.

"That was expensive," Hermione said once they were outside.

"Of course it was. Some of the ingredients are highly illegal. Should the Ministry ever get over their fear of dark places, they could probably arrest ninety-five per cent of the residents of Knockturn Alley, and everyone who comes here for business." Severus grinned. "They would be shocked to see someone like you here."

***

Hermione was a bit disappointed. She had hoped to start brewing the potion right away, but Severus had put her off. They had still an Order meeting to attend to, and brewing a highly instable potion before informing the Headmaster would be unreasonable.

Now they were on their way to the meeting. When they appeared in the cellar room in the meetinghouse, there was no one to greet them or collect the Portkey. There was, however, a small pile of used Portkeys on the floor.

"Seems like we're the last, again," Hermione said. "I wonder if the Headmaster does that deliberately."

Severus didn't answer but led her up the staircase into the kitchen. She noticed that they were holding hands again. It seemed natural, and it reminded her that she was safe wherever she was just as long as she wasn't alone.

"Ah, Severus, Miss Granger, you are finally here," the Headmaster greeted them, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Albus, we are exactly on time," Severus said icily.

"Of course, Severus," Albus replied, still smiling. "Sit down, you two, and we start." Hermione sat down and looked around. Harry and Ron were sitting at one end of the table, glaring at Severus, and Hermione smiled inwardly. Next to them sat Tonks, grinning at her. Hermione grinned back, and Tonks winked, nodding over to Severus. Hermione felt herself blush, but didn't look away. Remus was standing beside the Headmaster, a cup of tea in his hand, but Hermione noticed that his hands were shaking, and he was gripping the cup so hard that his knuckles were white.

She frowned. Was something wrong?

"In the time since Voldemort's rise, there have been more and more attacks on Muggles and Muggle-born wizards and witches," the Headmaster started, and Hermione felt her insides grow cold. Had something happened to her parents? Were they safe? They might not want her anymore, but they were still her parents, and she loved them.

Under the table, Severus took her hand again and squeezed it lightly. She gave him a short, thankful smile and turned back to the Headmaster. Moody, who sat on the Headmaster's other side, looked at the table with his magical eye, and then raised his eyebrows at her. She ignored him.

"While the Muggle-born students are safe at Hogwarts, I'm afraid their parents aren't. We can't erect wards around every household, so we will have to work with Alarm Spells. Alastor?" The Headmaster turned to Moody, who nodded.

"We set up Alarm Spells that monitor the magical energies around the houses. Should there be too much magic, the Alarm Spells are activated and inform the Headmaster. We hope to be fast enough to stop anything from happening," Moody said, but he didn't sound too confident.

Hermione tuned his voice out. He was talking about the nature of Alarm Spells, and she knew about them already. What she was thinking about was her parents' safety.

"...and that's all we can do," Moody ended his report.

"Thank you, Alastor." The Headmaster turned around and looked at Severus. "Now, Severus, I assume you haven't been summoned over the holidays?"

Severus nodded. "The Dark Lord didn't summon me, and as far as I know the others didn't meet him either."

"Good. The next time he calls you, try to get information on who will be next."

"I'm afraid there is a problem."

"Problem?" Moody asked. Hermione had the feeling that he was watching their hands under the table.

"Yes," Severus said. "We met Lucius Malfoy this morning in Knockturn Alley."

"Really?" the Headmaster asked, smiling again. He didn't sound surprised at all, and Hermione thought that Severus' theory that the Headmaster had intended for someone to find out about them might be true after all.

"And why is that a problem?" Harry asked, oblivious to the implications, at the same time that Ron said, "Knockturn Alley?" Hermione rolled her eyes. Sometimes, her two best friends were really annoying.

"So, Lucius Malfoy assumes that Snape isn't loyal anymore," Tonks said. Severus nodded.

"I suppose so. He made a few comments that were quite clear." Hermione could read in their faces that Harry and Ron still weren't sure what everyone was talking about.

"Has he threatened Hermione?" Remus asked Severus with clear hostility in his voice.

"No," Hermione answered, keeping Severus from saying something stupid. "And that's beside the point. The question is if it is still safe for Severus to go to Death Eater meetings."

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed. "You called Snape-"

"Professor Snape," the Headmaster corrected automatically.

"Whatever," Harry shrugged it off. "She called him Severus!" Ron only stared at her.

"Well, after all, she's been spending her holiday at his house," Remus butted it. He sent Severus an almost challenging look, but Severus didn't rise to the bait.

"You what?" Ron jumped up.

"Ron, I don't think it's the right moment to discuss this. We should concentrate on Order business, not where I spend my holidays," Hermione reasoned. She had hoped to tell Harry and Ron herself, and when she felt ready.

"No, actually, I think we should talk about this now," Moody said. "If you two are in any way... connected, then the Order should know about it."

Remus started to say something, but Moody stopped him. "Let me finish. We have to know such things. If you two have a... relationship, and something happens to one of you - we can't risk the other one rushing off to seek revenge. And the Death Eaters - if they know of a relationship, they will try and abduct Hermione, and-"

"Don't you think it's a bit late for that?" Severus asked coldly. "If I recall correctly, Hermione has been abducted by Death Eaters." He paused. "And I do not intend to let that happen again while she is under my protection."

"So you don't deny it?" Remus asked. He stared at Severus disgustedly. Hermione chose that moment to intervene. She gripped Severus' hand tighter, and then brought their joined hands out from under the table, letting them rest on the wood.

"No, we don't," she said, looking at Severus intently. She just hoped he would play along. Her feelings were confusing enough without having to explain them to others, and she surely didn't want them to know about her insecurities and fears.

"The subject is closed," Severus said, in a voice that didn't allow protest. He glared at them all, including the Headmaster and Tonks, who hadn't said anything. "Now, if the meeting is closed, we need to talk to the Headmaster in private."

"Oh no, nothing is closed," Ron shouted. "I want to talk about this now. What does that mean, Hermione? You're with Snape? SNAPE?!"

"Mr. Weasley, this is none of your business," Severus roared. "We need to talk to the Headmaster, and after that, we will leave."

"Leave?" Harry said, considerable quieter than Ron, but still in a very loud voice. "As in 'together'? I don't like that at all. After what happened to Hermione I don't think-"

"That's it." Hermione stood up. "That's it! I can't believe you two. All you can do is shout and yell and accuse Severus, without even asking what I have to say. Did you even think about the possibility that I might want it this way? No, of course not. Why would Hermione, who only knows books and libraries, want Snape, evil Potions Master and ex-Death Eater?"

"Good question," Ron muttered towards Harry.

"Shut up, Ron!" Hermione snapped. "You didn't even ask. For your information, I like Severus, and I enjoy spending time with him. And not that it's any of your business, but he helped me more than you two ever could, and I feel safe with him. But you - you hurt me, did you know that? You just don't accept that I'm not the same Hermione anymore. I can't be." She drew in a breath and turned towards Remus.

"And you," she started. "I thought you were my friend, too. But obviously, I was wrong. You knew I was at Severus' and I thought I could trust you with this information, but no. You had to go and blurt it all out because of your petty schoolboy grudge against Severus, betraying my friendship along the way. I'm deeply disappointed."

Then she glared at the Headmaster. "You made sure that we were seen together in Diagon Alley, and that Hogwarts will buzz with the rumours once the Christmas Break is over. I just hope it was worth all of this." The Headmaster stroke his beard pensively and started to say something, but Hermione stopped him. "No. We wanted to inform you that I will take a potion to restore my memories, dangerous or not, I don't care. And you will not stop me."

She ignored Tonks' murmured question "What memories?" and stormed out of the room and down the stairs. She just wanted to get away from them. Of course she had anticipated their negative reactions, but it had still come as a shock that they stared at her disbelievingly and even a little bit disgusted.

Hermione sighed, and leaned against the cool wall at the bottom of the stairs. She knew she could Apparate back to Severus' house, but she didn't want to leave without him. She went over the scene again in head. At some point, she had just cracked, and the anger had made her shout at Harry and Ron, and Remus. She still couldn't believe that he had betrayed her trust just to spite Severus and make Harry and Ron angry at her...boyfriend? No, that didn't sound right. But what exactly was Severus to her?

A friend, sure. A confidant, probably. She had been more honest and open with him than with anyone else. She started to take his presence for granted, and was thankful for it. She wanted him to be there for her. But was he something more than just a friend? She had kissed him, after all, and before her abduction, they had been together. Did that mean that she loved him? She wasn't sure. Maybe.

She tried to picture herself as Severus' girlfriend, and found that it wouldn't be that different from what their relationship was like at the moment, only with more touching and kissing. Hell, I even know his mother, she thought.

The loud bang! of the kitchen door being slammed shut and the sound of rapid footsteps startled her out of her thoughts. Then she realised that she recognised the footsteps as Severus'. He was looking for her.

"I'm here," she said, her voice clearly audible in the narrow staircase. Severus appeared at the top of the stairs, and walked down slowly towards her.

"Potter and Weasley are furious. They think I used a spell on you to make you want me." Hermione grinned.

"Only they would think you need a spell for that." Severus cocked an eyebrow and descended the last few steps, coming to stand in front of her.

"Are you flirting with me, Hermione?"

"No. Yes. Maybe." She sighed. "I don't know."

"It's okay, you know." He leaned onto the wall next to her, and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

She hesitated for a second, but then she took his right arm and placed it around her shoulders, and leaned in to him. She felt him stiffen for a moment, but then he relaxed again.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, "that your friends had to learn it this way."

"Thank you," she murmured, and buried her head in his shoulder. He smelled good. "Did the Headmaster tell them that... that it started even before... I mean, do they know for how long...?" She didn't really know how to phrase her thoughts. Technically, they weren't together anymore, and hadn't been for the better part of seven months.

"I don't know." He chuckled slightly. "I left when, in a fit of rage, Weasley started to climb onto the table. I was afraid he might try and hex me, despite the fact that he isn't allowed to do magic in the holidays." Hermione laughed, imagining Ron on the kitchen table, poking at Severus with his wand.

"Yes, because you of all people wouldn't want him expelled for the unauthorised use of magic..."

"Hey," he said in mock-offence, "believe it or not, but there are a lot more students I would want to expel before Weasley. The list is quite long, actually, and Weasley is somewhere at the bottom, along with Potter, while Parkinson, for example, is somewhere in the top five."

"You don't like Pansy Parkinson?" she asked, frowning. She always thought that all Slytherins were his favourite students, or at least preferable to the other three houses.

"Not anymore, since she tried to up her Potions grade last semester by bribing me." He shuddered. "She obviously thought I was desperate for a shag and willing to change her poor grade for some action."

"But you didn't touch her, did you?" Hermione asked quickly.

"Why? Are you jealous?" She knew Severus was teasing her, but if she was honest, she felt a pang of jealousy when thinking of Severus with someone else, especially someone as stupid as Pansy Parkinson. "Hermione," he said when she didn't reply. "I was only teasing. You know I would never really hurt you." He lifted his hand from her shoulder and softly stroked her cheek. "Never," he promised.

"I know," she said, and stood in front of him. She put her arms around his waist and inhaled his smell. He really smelled good.

Severus put his arms around her, and she could hear and feel his rapid heartbeat. He's as nervous as I am, she thought. Probably even as insecure.

"Severus?" she whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Can we go home now?" She wanted to talk to him, and she wanted to talk somewhere where she felt more at home. She wanted to snuggle down next to him on the sofa and tell him that she was falling for him. She wanted to be happy again, and most of the time she was happy when she was with him.

"Of course, Hermione," Severus said, and Disapparated with her.

***

Remus was furious. Hermione had accused him of betraying their friendship and then left the room, the Headmaster was staring at him with this disappointed and hurt look on his face as if it was his fault, and Snape just sat there with a smug grin plastered on his ugly face.

Oh, how he wanted to kick him! He didn't know what Hermione could possibly see in Snape. The man was plain ugly. He had crooked teeth (slightly yellow, too), a large hooked nose and an unhealthy complexion. He didn't even have nice hair, or nice eyes, but a greasy mop of too long black hair and cruel dark eyes. His appearance alone screamed Death Eater, and his black soul matched perfectly.

Doesn't she know what Death Eaters do for amusement? What he did, and probably still does to girls like herself? Remus shuddered. How could she even consider going near someone like Snape?

Now Ron drew his wand and tried to hex Snape, who abruptly left the room, slamming the door behind him. Harry and Moody were busy trying to calm Ron, and Tonks started making tea. Albus just stood there, staring out of the window.

Remus decided to follow Snape, just to make sure he didn't hurt Hermione. He heard them before he could see them. They were talking at the bottom of the stairs.

"...she tried to up her Potions grade last semester by bribing me," Snape said. "She obviously thought I was desperate for a shag and willing to change her poor grade for some action."

Remus cast a spell that allowed him to watch them without being seen. He instantly regretted the full view. Hermione was standing far too close to Snape, and his arm was slung around her shoulders.

"But you didn't touch her, did you?" came Hermione's quick question.

"Why? Are you jealous?"

Oh Please, Remus thought. Jealous? He can't be serious. Everyone would be glad to get rid of him, so why would she be jealous?

But then he caught sight of Hermione's face and realised that she actually was jealous. Snape couldn't see her face because his head was resting on top of hers, but then he seemed to notice that she hadn't replied.

"Hermione, I was only teasing. You know I would never hurt you. Never," Snape said. He stroked her cheek, and Remus had to gather all his strength not to storm down there and shout at him for touching her.

"I know," she said and embraced him.

Remus gasped. Hermione wanted Snape. He shook his head. No, it couldn't be, he thought. He must have forced her.

He saw Snape pulling Hermione closer, and they were silent for a while. The look on Snape's face was indescribable. Remus had never seen it so full of emotion. Usually, it was cold and expressionless, or full of hatred and malice. Now it was... contentment he could see, and other emotions, too.

"Severus?" Hermione whispered, and Remus had nearly missed it.

"Hmm?"

"Can we go home now?"

Home? he thought. Home? She calls Snape's house her home? Something must be wrong with her. It couldn't be.

"Of course, Hermione," Snape said, and with a crack! they Disapparated.

Remus ended the monitor spell and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Due to his heightened senses, he could still hear Ron cursing Snape in the kitchen, and grinned at a few of boy's expletives. However, what he had witnessed only confirmed his opinion that something was wrong, and he didn't intend for Hermione to get hurt further. He would find a way to help her.

End Chapter Nine