A Perfectly Ordinary MST

The semi-quote you didn't get was a variation of Willow's line "... or I'll beat you to death with a shovel." (Said to Riley in Season 4)


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Chapter Two: Take Off

Hermione stretched and stood up, inspecting the room. "Do you think we can get something to drink and eat?"

A second later, another table appeared, laden with all kinds of food and drink.

Hermione paused. "Do you think we could have a door, leading back to the Great Hall?"

Nothing happened.

Hermione shrugged. "Well, it was worth a try."

Snape made himself a sandwich and watched Ron, who was still asleep. Draco followed his gaze and nudged Harry in the side. "What's up with Weasley?" he asked. "Did anyone slip him a Sleeping Draught?"

Harry grinned. "Nah. Did you wonder why we were in the Great Hall that early?"

"Not really."

Harry made a face. "Well, Hermione promised to eat breakfast with us, but she couldn't wait any longer, so she woke us up at an ungodly hour. I think Ron's still catching up on missed sleep."

"Ah." Draco grabbed a Butterbeer and eyed the script suspiciously. "I wonder why we have to read this movie. I mean, there must be better movies out there."

Harry nodded. "There are. But I think it's easier for us if the movie's crap - that way our remarks sound even better."

"Right." Draco finished his meal and strode over to the table where Snape and Hermione were engaged in a conversation about potions.

"Hey, can we go on? I want to get this over with."

Snape nodded. "Then get Potter," he said to Draco, and turned back to Hermione.

A few moments later, they were all back at the table and ready for round two.

ONE YEAR LATER

DRACO: Well, that was fast.

EXT. Julies college. - Students are running around on campus.

HERMIONE: It seems that everyone in this movie has perfected the skill of running around aimlessly. And I still can't do it.

DRACO (feeling with her): Damn!

>INT. Julies dormroom. - Julies roommate Deb walks in.

HARRY: Walk, walk, walk.

EVERYONE ELSE (threateningly): Harry... (glare at him)

>Deb - Yo, it's time to go.

Julie turns around from her computer revealing that the last year has sure taken its toll on her.

HARRY (as year): Toll, toll, toll... Muahahaha.

DRACO (grabs Harry's glass of water): What are you drinking there?

HARRY (indignantly): Water.

DRACO: Spiked with what?

HARRY: Water.

DRACO: Then what's with all the "toll, toll, toll" and "walk, walk, walk"?

HARRY: I was trying to get out of here...

DRACO: (eyes him suspiciously)

>Deb - Come on, move your tired ugly ass girl we're late.

SNAPE: ...for our daily ritual spanking.

EVERYONE ELSE (MINUS RON WHO'S STILL SLEEPING): O_O

>Julie - I changed my mind, I'm not going.

SNAPE (as Julie): The spanking does nothing for my arse. It's just a big waste of time.

>Deb - Julie, get your white as death, chalky corpse in the car now.

>Pause.

EVERYONE: (freezes)

HERMIONE (after some time, whispering): Do you think the pause is over?

>Deb - I said come on. Julie you're going home for the summer and you're going to get a tan on that pasty pale tail of yours.

They both giggle.

DRACO/SNAPE (as Deb/Julie): Hihihihi.

HERMIONE/HARRY: O_O

HARRY: Gods - that was beyond frightening!

>Deb - Let's go.

SNAPE (as Julie): ...and give up spanking in favour of bondage!

HERMIONE/HARRY/DRACO: O_O

>EXT. - Julies house - Deb is pulling the car into the driveway. Julie takes her bag from the backseat.

Deb - Remember, sun and fun.

>Julie - Yeah.

SNAPE (as Julie): I do remember. Summer of '76, the sun was there, but the fun was suspiciously absent.

>Deb drives off leaving Julie home, where she doesn't want to be.

EVERYONE (MINUS RON AGAIN): Ohhhhh.

HERMIONE: Now, this fake pity sounded awfully... fake.

DRACO (yawning): Laaaaaaaame!

>Mrs. James - Julie?

HARRY (as Mrs. James): What do you want? Didn't we tell you that we don't want to see that "pasty pale tail of yours" again until you get a bit of a tan?

RON (waking up): Hey, no repetitions!

>Welcome home dear.

DRACO: Boooooring!

>Julie turns around to see her mother who she hasn't seen since last summer.

SNAPE (as Julie): Hey mum, I haven't seen you since last summer when we killed that bloke and then drowned him when he - can you believe the nerve of him? - wasn't really dead, er, I mean. Hi, mum. Nice to see you again. (coughs)

>Mrs. James - I missed you.

DRACO (as Mrs. James): And I'm not going to comment on your strange remark about the bloke you killed and then drowned when he - and I don't believe it! - wasn't really dead.

>INT. - Julies Kitchen - Julie and her mother are eating.

Mrs. James - how's the snapper?

>Julie just fakes a smile.

SNAPE (as Julie): (fakes a smile)

HARRY: Stop it! You're creepy.

>Mrs. James - I really wanted monkfish but it's been a bad season.

>Julie sits stonefaced.

>Mrs- James - Are you on drugs?

SNAPE (as Julie): Why, mum, do you want some, too? I can share, you know, but it will cost you!

>Julie is surprised by the question.

Julie - What?

SNAPE (as Julie): What?

HERMIONE (eyes Snape worriedly): Are you okay? Maybe you should leave Julie alone for a while.

SNAPE: (nods)

>Mrs. James - I just wanted to surprise you, I want an honest reaction.

Julie - No. No mom no drugs.

DRACO (as Mrs. James): Damn. And I thought I could rely on you. Mrs. Next Door always boasts about her daughter - she's a drug addict, you know, very bad case, lives on the street, prostitutes herself, too - and now I'm going to be the only one with a clean child - again! It's just not fair. (sighs)

>Mrs. James - Well than what is wrong? I mean you look like death.

>Julie - Yeah well I've had a rough year.

HARRY (as Mrs. James): Can't you take drugs like every other child? (exasperated sigh)

DRACO (as Mrs. James): Really, you're making nothing but trouble. I'm very disappointed in you.

>Julies mom clears the table and Julie gets up and walks towards the living room looking at old awards and pictures of her father. Julies mother walks in.

HERMIONE: I do not like the transcriber.

SNAPE: The "Julies" are bothering you?

HERMIONE: (nods miserably)

>Mrs. James - You got some mail, a letter came today, not your report card though, that came last week.

Julie - Mom I know it looks bad but the summer session went really well.

SNAPE (as Julie): I slept with my professor, and now my grades are fine! Don't worry.

HERMIONE: I thought you agreed to leave Julie alone.

SNAPE (whispers to Hermione): I did. Actually, that was a not so subtle hint.

HERMIONE (blushes, whispers back): My grades are fine.

SNAPE (grins): Your point being?

HERMIONE: (giggles)

HARRY/DRACO: (shrug)

>Mrs. James - Well it would have to because acording to the dean you only have one more chance.

DRACO (as Mrs. James): ...to have wild monkey sex with him to improve your overall grades. (as himself) Plus, a typo.

HERMIONE: (nodes approvingly)

>Julie - It's not that serious really.

HARRY (as Julie): I can still do the dean in between Mr. Newton, my philosophy prof, and old Mrs. Hubbard's cat.

EVERYONE ELSE (EVEN RON): Yuck!

HARRY: Sorry, I couldn't think of anything better.

>Mrs. James - What happened to my daughter? I mean you went away and you don't call and you don't visit.

DRACO (as Julie, matter-of-factly): Because I don't like you. Never have. Really, I was glad to get away from you. Now I'm supposed to call and visit? I'll pass, thank you very much.

>Mrs. James begins to walk out of the room.

Mrs. James - Your father must be turning over in his grave.

HERMIONE: Whoa! Guilt trip!

DRACO/HARRY/SNAPE: Huh?

RON: Mums always say stuff that makes you feel bad and guilty, only so they can feel better.

EVERYONE ELSE: (stares at Ron)

RON: What? My mum does that all the time! (in a high-pitched voice) What would your father think of this? What do you think would the neighbours say if they knew? You are breaking my heart, do you know that? (sobs)

HARRY (shifts uncomfortable in his seat): There, there, Ron. (pats Ron's shoulder awkwardly)

>Julie begins to cry as she opens the plainly marked envelope so see the words

HERMIONE (sneering): Cry-baby.

SNAPE: Don't you want to comment on the typo?

HERMIONE: Nope.

>written boldy in black marker "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" she looks at it terrified as she begins to cry harder.

SNAPE: That was one long sentence.

HERMIONE: Uh-uh.

>Julie (Holding back the tears) - Who sent this? There's no postmark or return address.

SNAPE (as Julie): How can I go on living if there's no return address? (sobs)

HERMIONE: You're scaring me.

SNAPE: I'm just trying to get in character.

>Mrs. James - Your guess is as good as mine why what does it say?

HERMIONE: Poor commas.

HARRY: But there aren't any commas.

HERMIONE: There should be. But since there aren't, I'm assuming they died a horrible, horrible comma-death. Hence the "poor commas" comment.

>Julie - Nothing.

Julie runs up the stairs to her bedroom.

SNAPE (as Julie): I'm running up the stairs to my bedroom.

>She sits on a sofa looking at the letter all night long

SNAPE (as Julie): I'm sitting on my sofa, looking at the letter all night long.

>wondering who could have sent it. She hears a noise outside and runs to shut her window and curtains.

SNAPE (as Julie): I'm wondering who sent it. (Pause) Oh, I hear a sound outside and run to shut my window and curtains.

>She is scared.

SNAPE (as Julie): Oh, I'm scared.

HERMIONE (hits Snape over the head): Stop it!

SNAPE (rubbing his head): Sorry.

EXT. - The streets of southport - Julies car drives up to the store named Shivers.

HERMIONE (enviously): Now Julie has one of those self-driving cars, too? I still want one.

>INT. - Shivers - Back entrance Elsa is talking to some guys unloading merchandise. A man drops one of the boxes.

Elsa - Guys, easy. It's called glass, it breaks.

DRACO (admiring): She's so intelligent.

>She walks into the main part of the store greeting

HARRY: ...old Mrs Hubbard's cat that is waiting for Julie.

EVERYONE ELSE: Urgh.

>some shoppers and begins to arrange some things. Julie walks into the store.

SNAPE (as Julie): I walk into the store.

RON (waking up, kicks Snape reflexively): No repetitions.

>Elsa - Well well look what the cat drug in.

HARRY: (opens his mouth)

EVERYONE ELSE: Stop!

DRACO: One word about the old hag's cat, and you're dead!

HARRY: (bites his lip)

>Julie - Elsa, hi. You know what? I need to talk to Helen and I was wondering if you could give me her New York number?

Elsa - Her New York number?

DRACO (as Julie): Her New York number.

HARRY (as Elsa): Her new York number?

DRACO (as Julie): Her New York number.

HARRY (as Elsa): Her new York number?

DRACO (as Julie): Her New York number.

HARRY (as Elsa): Her new York number?

DRACO (as Julie): Her New York number.

SNAPE: We know. (glares at Draco) And Julie's mine!

HERMIONE (hits Snape): She is not.

SNAPE: She's a fictional character. I can have her if I want.

HERMIONE (stubbornly): No, you can't.

SNAPE: And why not?

Hermione (mumbles): Because I won't share you.

SNAPE (quietly, to Hermione): Do you mean that?

HERMIONE: (blushes, nodding)

DRACO/HARRY: (exchange glances, then shrug)

>Julie - Yeah I need to talk to her.

Elsa - Fact check Julie, Helen doesn't have a New York number, if you need to speak to her I suggest you go to womens fragrances, 10 feet to your left.

Camera pans off to show Helen who is arranging some bottles of perfume.

Elsa - Frightning isn't it?

DRACO (flatly): Indeed. Very frightning.

>Helen looks up and sees the friend that she hasn't seen in a year and smiles.

Helen - Julie?

DRACO (as Julie): Helen?

HARRY (as Helen): Julie?

DRACO (as Julie): Helen?

HARRY (as Helen): Julie?

DRACO (as Julie): Helen?

HARRY (as Helen): Julie?

HERMIONE/SNAPE: Enough.

HARRY/DRACO: Sorry.

>Julie walks over to her.

SNAPE (as Julie): I walk over to her. (starts laughing like mad)

HERMIONE: (frowns at him)

>Helen - When did you get home?

Julie - Yesterday.

Helen - It's good to see you.

Julie - What happened to New York.

HERMIONE: It's not a question?

SNAPE: Typo.

HERMIONE: Yeah. right. I tried to erase the thought from my brain, I suppose.

>Helen - I went for a while and it didn't really work out.

Julie pulls the letter from her pocket.

Julie - Somebody sent this to me.

DRACO (as Julie): It's my Hogwarts letter.

EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT?

HARRY (disgusted): You wouldn't really consider sending her one of those?

HERMIONE: I mean, she's as stupid as they come, and there's no way she would ever be a witch!

SNAPE: I would refuse to teach something like that! She's even more of a nitwit than Longbottom, and that is saying something.

HERMIONE (offended): Hey!

SNAPE: Well, the boy is stupid!

HERMIONE (mumbles): Is not.

SNAPE: Is too!

DRACO: Okay, okay, sorry. I just wanted to say something, but I'm under stress. I don't think well under stress, but I thought it was funny. Now let's go on.

>A look of fear crosses Helens face.

RON: Helen doesn't think Julie should go to Hogwarts either. (shots a glance at Draco)

DRACO: (groans)

>Helen - Oh my God.

>Julie - Somebody knows Helen.

HERMIONE (fake surprise): Do you really think somebody knows Helen? Severus, do people know Helen?

HARRY/DRACO/RON: You call him Severus?

HERMIONE (blushing): That's not the point. Somebody knows Helen!

ROM (quietly): No repetitions.

>Helen - How?

Julie - I don't know.

HARRY: 'Cause you're stupid!

DRACO: Why is Julie the stupid one now?

HARRY: 'Cause Ray isn't there, and she is stupid.

>Helen - Julie we were so carefull.

Julie - Were we? Were we?

HERMIONE: Were we? Were we?

RON (shouts): NO REPETITIONS GODAMIT!

HERMIONE (viciously): Were we? Were we? Were we?

SNAPE (admiringly): You are so evil.

>What if somebody saw us? What if somebody else was there that night?

>Helen - Who? It's been a year.

>Julie - I don't know.

HARRY: Because you're stupid!

>Helen - Has Barry seen this?

RON (as Julie): No. He doesn't get letters. He isn't popular. And this is my letter, mine alone. I won't share. Mwahahaha.

EVERYONE ELSE: (stares at Ron)

DRACO: I think I liked him better when he was asleep. This is just scary.

>EXT. - Barrys lawn - Helen and Julie are walking towards the house.

Helen - Do you ever see Barry at school?

DRACO (as Julie): No. Because they didn't let me into that posh wizarding school in Britain. (starts wailing)

>Julie - It's a big campus. Are you sure he came back?

HARRY (as Julie): ...to you, saying he was sorry about old Mrs Hubbard's cat?

>Helen - Saw his car the other day at the gym.

HERMIONE: I want one of those!

SNAPE: What?

HERMIONE: Cars that drive for themselves. Barry's car was at the gym. My parents' car wouldn't even get out of the garage.

SNAPE: I think you are over-reacting.

>Julie - Did you guys break up?

SNAPE: (shudders)

HERMIONE: (looks at him questioningly)

SNAPE: I shudder at the Americanisms.

HERMIONE (giggling): ...you guys...

SNAPE: (shudders)

>Barry walks out on to the patio not pleased at seeing the two of them again.

>Barry (not excited to see them) -

HERMIONE (to Snape): Are you not going to start that "I'm not pleased to see you two again" and "I'm not excited to see you" business again?

SNAPE (shakes his head): Nah. I only do that for Julie.

>Hey. What are you two doing here?

>Helen - Hi Bare.

HARRY (loudly): Feet!

EVERYONE ELSE: Huh?

HARRY: Um, bare...feet? (beat) Wasn't funny, eh?

DRACO: I thought it was funny.

HARRY: You're just saying that.

DRACO: Yep.

>EXT. - Barrys patio - they are discussing the letter.

DRACO (as Barry, pouting): I want one, too.

SNAPE (as Julie): But you aren't popular. Neener neener neener.

>Barry - This is nothing. I know what you did last summer?

HERMIONE (as Helen, confused): Yes, Barry, of course you know. You were there, too. Remember?

SNAPE (as Barry): No, I was drunk.

DRACO (as Julie): Right, he was drunk. How could we forget!

HERMIONE (as Helen, even more confused): So, you don't know what we did last summer? But how could you forget it! It was our first time. In fact, it was the very first time for me. I had never done it before. It was special. (starts weeping) And now you don't even remember it. You bastard!

SNAPE: Er, Hermione? Are you alright? What are you taking about?

HERMIONE (normal voice): Of course I am alright. And I was talking about the first time Helen killed someone.

>Oooh, what a crock of shit.

HERMIONE: Is not! Whatever I said was not meant to be understood in a sexual context. (grins mischievously) Not at all.

EVERYONE ELSE: Sure.

>Helen - We need help.

>Barry - Yeah I'll say, you know what? You guys

SNAPE: (shudders again)

>should check out a mirror once and a while, you two look like shit run over twice.

DRACO (as Helen): You're just jealous because we're good-looking and you're not.

HARRY (as Julie): And you're not popular!

>Helen - You're a prick.

HARRY/DRACO/RON/SNAPE: (snicker)

HERMIONE: Oh, please!

>Julie - We can't just ignore it.

DRACO: No, we can't!

HERMIONE: Yes, you can.

SNAPE: It's okay, we're not going to say anything.

HARRY/DRACO/RON: We're not?

SNAPE: No.

HARRY/DRACO/RON: (look disappointed)

>Barry - Come one Julie,

HARRY: Come two Julie.

DRACO: Come three Julie

HERMIONE: Come four Julie.

SNAPE: Come five Julie.

RON: This is stupid.

DRACO: Spoilsport.

>how do you know this is even related? You did a lot of things last summer.

HARRY (as Julie): I did the dean, Mrs Hubbard's cat, Mr Newton, Ray, Barry, Helen, my dad, that stinky bloke that lives on Main Street-

DRACO: Are you quite finished?

HARRY (coughs): Um, yes. Sorry.

>Julie - Yeah well only one murder comes to mind.

SNAPE (as Barry): Don't be such a baby!

>Barry is extremly pissed that she mentions that night again.

>Barry - You shut the hell up! We didn't murder anyone.

SNAPE (dryly): Except that one bloke, who wouldn't die on his own account so you even had to murder him twice.

>Julie - He was still alive when we dumped him in the water.

>Helen - Do we have to rehash this? It was an accident, the guy was in the middle of the road.

HERMIONE (as Helen): Honestly, we couldn't have done a thing. He just jumped in front of the car, then practically hit himself over the head and dumped himself in the ocean. We didn't do anything at all.

>Julie - His name was David Egan.

Barry - Who?

Julie - David Egan.

DRACO (as Barry): Who?

HERMIONE (as Julie): David Egan.

DRACO (as Barry): Who?

HERMIONE (as Julie): Doesn't matter. No one important.

>He was found three weeks after we....

SNAPE (as Julie): Had our wicked way with him?

>his body was caught in a shrimp net not far from millers dock. It was in the paper, I think the police called it an accidental drowning. You can call it an accident all you want but he died because of us that's certain.

HERMIONE (sighing): And the evil Death of all Commas reigns again in the land of the run-on sentences.

>Barry - What about Ray?

HARRY (beaming): He's still stupid!

>Have you showed this letter to him? What does he think?

RON (as Julie): He thinks you're unpopular, too. That's why you didn't get one.

>Julie - I haven't seen Ray since last summer, we broke up and last I heard he was working up north.

Barry - Okay let's supposed someone was there that night,

HERMIONE: Okay, let's supposed there is a typo in there, would I be bothered?

SNAPE (warily): No?

HERMIONE: That's right. I don't care at all that it's supposed to be 'suppose'.

>why send the letter one year later? Probably some crack fucking around... Max.

SNAPE (weakly): Someone... fucking around Max?

EVERYONE ELSE: (raises eyebrows)

SNAPE: Does everyone agree - we're not commenting on that?

EVERYONE ELSE: (nods in agreement)

>Julie - Max? You think?

Barry - Who else? He was there.

DRACO: And he had a thing with Ray.

HERMIONE: I think you made that up. Along with everything about Barry and his dad, and Ray and Barry, and Ray and Barry's dad.

SNAPE: Oh.

>EXT. - Fish Plant - Julie, Helen and Barry are walking towards the building.

Barry - You two wait here.

Julie - What are you gonna do?

SNAPE (as Julie): I mean, who are you gonna do?

HARRY: (opens his mouth)

EVERYONE ELSE: (groans) Not again!

DRACO: (slaps Harry)

HARRY (protesting): Hey, what was that for? I didn't say anything!

DRACO (matter-of-factly): But you were thinking it.

>Barry - I know what I'm doing.

RON (finally really awake): I doubt it.

>INT. - Fish Plant - Max is working with some lobster pots.

HARRY: Now, that's not nice, calling his co-workers "lobster pots"...

>He notices Barry walking in.

Max - Well go figure, I was just thinking to myself what ever happened to that Barry Cox?

SNAPE (as Max): But then I thought, 'what the fuck do I care?' He didn't want me when I offered him my love, my life, my virginity, so he doesn't deserve to be thought of.

>Barry (being very polite) - Hey Max. Hey listen can we talk for a sec? In private?

SNAPE (as Barry): I'm sorry I turned you down. I now realise that my dad, and Ray, were never good enough for me. I need you, take me now.

>Max - Oh what this isn't private enough for you?

SNAPE (as Barry, irritated): Yes, it is. That's why I said "take me now."

>Barry smirks and walks out back and Max follows him.

SNAPE (surprised): Huh? I never thought they'd actually do it.

HERMIONE (sceptical): I don't think they actually get down to it.

>Max - Yeah what?

Barry then grabs Max and pushes him into a block of ice holding him down.

DRACO: Ooooh, horizontal action! (rubs his hands together)

HERMIONE (mutters): That's not how I remember that movie.

DRACO: Wait, you know the movie?

HERMIONE: (nods)

SNAPE (eagerly): Tell me who dies!

HERMIONE: No.

SNAPE: Does Barry die?

HERMIONE: (stubbornly refuses to answer)

SNAPE: Does Julie die?

HERMIONE (classroom voice): If I tell you now, your comments will be worse, and your anticipation will be nil. We won't last until the end.

SNAPE: (pouts)

>Barry - Look you shit we got your little letter.

Max - What the hell are you talking about?

Barry - Don't fuck with me Max, you saw us that night.

SNAPE: (opens mouth, then closes it again, shaking his head)

DRACO: What?

SNAPE (still shaking his head): My arm is black and blue from all the hitting, and I'm not risking broken bones for the sake of making one lewd comment. Besides, no NC-17, right?

HERMIONE: (nods approvingly)

>Max - What the fuck are you on huh?

Barry grabs a large fish hook that was sitting on a block of ice and holds it up to Maxs face.

HARRY (small voice): Oh God, I just had a bad mental image of Barry, sitting on Max with fish hook.

EVERYONE ELSE: O_O

HARRY (shakily): I read too fast, and it all got blurry and I only saw the words "fish hook", "sitting on" and "Max" - very disturbing.

DRACO (calmingly): Breathe, Harry, breathe.

>Max - Jesus Christ.

Barry - Listen I'm gonna say this once, I'll fucking kill your ass, I got no problem with that...

SNAPE (dismissively): Barry could never kill someone.

HERMIONE: Um, but he did.

HARRY: Yep, the guy that wouldn't die, remember?

DRACO (derisively): Oh, please! That lacked style and innovation.

SNAPE (agreeing): No class at all. It was merely the by-product of a car accident!

HARRY/HERMIONE (nervously): Um, okay.

RON: (pushes his chair farther away from Snape's)

>Max - Oh get the fuck off me.

DRACO (as Barry): Hmm, no. I rather like it here.

>Barry - You understand me?

HARRY (as Max): No, I'm just pretedning.

RON: No repetitions!

>Max - Get off of me.

Max struggles with Barry

HARRY (quickly): Struggle, struggle, struggle...

DRACO: (tries to hit Harry)

HARRY: (sees it coming and ducks)

RON: (grins evilly and hits Harry from the other side)

HARRY: Ouch. (rubs his head)

DRACO: I never thought I'd say these words to you, but thank you.

>and Barry cuts Max's arm with the hook

HARRY: Cut, cut, cut... (jumps up and runs a few feet away before anyone can hit him)

>and then walks away putting the hook back where he got it from. Max is laying on the floor wondering what just happened. He gets up and he is angry and grabs the hook yelling at Barry who is leaving.

Harry (still a few feet away, mumbling): Yell, yell, yel-

DRACO: (jumps up and chases after Harry, who takes off in a run)

RON/HERMIONE/SNAPE: (shrug and continue to read)

>Max - Mother fucker. Don't you test me mother fucker, I'll call the cops on your college quaterback ass.

SNAPE (sneering): American Football?

RON/HERMIONE (agreeing): Yeah...

DRACO/HARRY: (continue to chase each other around the table)

>EXT. - Back on the street - Barry is walking out where Julie and Helen have been waiting.

Julie - So did he admit to the letter?

Barry keeps walking.

HERMIONE (as Julie): Fine, keep walking. Don't talk to us then.

SNAPE (as Helen): Really, Barry, it's not as if we actually want to know.

>Barry - He won't bother you anymore.

Helen - What did you do?

SNAPE (as Barry): Him.

HERMIONE: (frowns disapprovingly)

>Barry - I took care of it okay?

Julie - How?

Barry - I scared the shit out of him alright?

Stepping up from out of a boat is Ray. The old group of friends are reunited.

Barry - Well I'll be damned.

RON: Hopefully. (eyeing Harry and Draco) Can't you two stop them?

SNAPE/HERMIONE: (exchange a glance, nod)

SNAPE: (jumps up and grabs Draco)

HERMIONE (yells): STOP!

HARRY: (freezes)

HERMIONE: Sit down.

HARRY: (sits)

SNAPE: (pushes Draco down) Stay there. (to them both) No fighting.

HARRY/DRACO: (nod)

>Ray (to Julie) - Hi.

Barry - So Ray grew up to be a fisherman huh?

HARRY (as Ray): Nah, I just liked the outfit.

DRACO (scoffs): Yeah, you would.

HARRY: You are such an a-

HERMIONE/SNAPE: No fighting!

>Ray - Yeah, almost a year now, I work on that one over there on the end.

SNAPE: Who cares?

HERMIONE: Shhh. I'm sensing a dramatic scene between Ray and Barry.

DRACO: Yes. After a teary talk and declarations of undying love follows hot make up sex.

HERMIONE: I was thinking along the lines "Oh, fight."

DRACO (shrugging): I like mine better.

>Barry does not look where Ray has just pointed.

>Barry - That's nice. Have a nice life guys, I'm out of here.

EVERYONE: Bye, Barry.

SNAPE: I hope you die, Barry.

>Barry leaves.

DRACO (as Ray): Barry, wait, we haven't had sex yet!

>Ray (to Julie) - You got a minute?

Helen doesn't want to be intrude.

HERMIONE: That has to be harsh, being intrude.

SNAPE: You're not going to cry, or scream?

HERMIONE: I figured that sarcasm would be a better outlet of my frustration than red eyes and a sore throat.

>Helen - I gotta get back to work, call me, we can get togeather.

HERMIONE (groans): Didn't we have that typo already?

>Julie - Yeah okay.

Helen leaves Ray and Julie alone to talk.

DRACO (as Julie): Um, okay, Ray. (pause) Let's talk.

HARRY (as Ray): Hm-mm. Yes, let's.

DRACO (as Julie, after a few seconds): Well, er, say something.

HARRY (as Ray, after a pause): Yeah... (mumbles) Hell, that would be easier if I weren't this damn stupid.

DRACO (as Julie, to herself): Hell, this would be a whole lot easier if Ray weren't so damn stupid.

RON: That's boring. Let's just read on.

>Julie - We need to talk.

>INT. - Fish Plant - Ray and Julie are walking in discussing the letter.

HERMIONE: That must be terribly difficult. Walking and talking at the same time. Not to mention the--

DRACO (interrupting to distract her): Can't be Hufflepuffs then...

HERMIONE (huffing): Hufflepuffs aren't stupid.

DRACO: If you want to believe that...

HERMIONE: (glares at him)

>Ray - You think Max sent it?

HARRY (as Ray): Nah, can't be. He doesn't know how to put stamps on a letter.

DRACO: What are stamps?

HARRY (as Ray): Don't ask me, I'm Ray, the stupid one.

SNAPE: Stamps are little pieces of coloured paper the Muggles glue to their envelopes.

DRACO: Why?

SNAPE: (shrugs)

HERMIONE (rolls her eyes): They indicate that you paid for the letter to be delivered.

DRACO: Then why don't you just pay the owl?

HERMIONE: Argh. (mutters under her breath) Stupid idiot - typical Slytherin - no clue about Muggles...

HARRY (eyeing Hermione): Forget it, Draco. Not important.

DRACO: Did you call me "Draco"?

HARRY: Er...no.

>Julie - Barry does. I don't know.

HARRY: No, that's not true. Ray is the stupid one.

HERMIONE: I think Julie can be stupid, too.

>Ray - Well, you know how Max feels about you guys, look he's probably just screwing around, he doesn't have much else to do you know?

SNAPE (as Julie): Except screwing Barry. And Barry's dad. And you. And... (trails off after seeing Hermione's glare)

>Julie - Yeah maybe.

EXT. - On the wharf - Ray and Julie are talking while he is working.

Ray - So, how's school?

HARRY (as Julie): Challenging. Last week, we collected stones and built little men and women and animals. The teacher said I did better than Jenna.

>Julie - So you're a fisherman?

HARRY (as Ray): Nooo. I said I just liked the outfit. Nice coat, eh? (knowing nod) Jealous, huh?

>Ray - Yeah prophecy fullfilled right? I've become my father.

DRACO (pleased): Ooh, that's sad. (to Ray) You're a big loser, aren't you? Following your daddy like a lost puppy, not having the balls to do what you want...

EVERYONE ELSE: (exchanges glances)

RON: Malfoy, you look just like your father, and you are equally unpleasant to be around. You are going to be a Death Eater, just like him. I think we could say, you are our Ray.

DRACO (incredulously): No way. I'm unique. My mum says so.

SNAPE (silencing Ron with a glance): It's okay, Draco. Your mum is right, you are unique.

RON (quietly, to Harry): Uniquely stupid.

>Julie - I thought you didn't know your dad?

Ray - Ah he worked the boats, that's all I do know about him.

Pause.

EVERYONE: (freezes)

HERMIONE (after some time, whispering): Is it over yet?

>Ray - Look I thought a lot about last summer, I know you hold me responsible for what happened.

SNAPE (as Ray): ...but I never meant to sleep with Barry's dad. I know it destroyed their, *cough* relationship, but I didn't mean to!

>Julie - I don't hold you responsible,

HERMIONE (as Julie): I only think it's your fault...

>no I'm responsible for my own actions and I don't blame you. But I don't want to know you either.

DRACO: She doesn't make a lot of sense, does she?

RON/HARRY/SNAPE: She's confusing.

HERMIONE: I think the whole "conversation" wore her out. Her brain must be exhausted.

>She runs away from a confused Ray leaving him there all alone.

RON (in a bored voice): Oh, poor Ray.

>INT. - Fish Plant - Max is cooking lobsters. he burns his finger and goes to get gloves. He sees a shadow through the steam from the boiling water and looks closer to see what it is and sees someone in a black slicker coming towards him and then the hook goes through his throat and dragging him across the table.

EVERYONE: (astonished silence)

DRACO: Wow, that was fast. Is he dead?

SNAPE: Finally something happens.

HERMIONE: Even if it is grammatically and structurally messed up.

>EXT - SouthPort street - Barry is pulling up to the South Port Muscle.

INT. - Southport Muscle. - Barry is working out, punching and kickboxing.

INT. - Locker Room - Barry is taking tape off his hands and sees a shadow.

>Barry - Hello??

SNAPE (excitedly): Die, Barry, die!

HERMIONE: (looks at him fondly)

>INT. - Shower - Barry is showering after his workout, he sees a shadow go past the door.

>Barry - Hello???

INT. - Locker Room - Barry sees a ploaroid [1]

HERMIONE: How frightening.

SNAPE: That's all you're going to say?

HERMIONE (shrugging): I gave it up. It was hopeless from the beginning, correcting the mass of typos in this script.

>picture sticking out of his locker, he looks at it, it's a picture of his car which is parked outside with "I Know" written on the picture. He looks in his locked and his jacket is missing.

HERMIONE (faintly): Oh.

SNAPE: Ignore it.

HERMIONE (nods): Uh-huh.

>Barry - My fucking jacket.

>He quickly gets dressed and runs out into the lobby where an old man working is reading the newspaper.

RON: I want a job like that - reading the newspaper all day, probably pretedning to work harder...

HARRY (to Ron): Hey, you're fully awake now, aren't you?

RON: Yep.

>Barry - Who else is here? anybody else working out?

Worker - Just you and me pal.

>Barry runs outdoor to see his car is being backed out of the parking lot, he chases after it.

HERMIONE: One more reference to a self-driving car, and I'll scream.

SNAPE: Actually, in this case it's not a self-driving car. It's passive, you see. Someone is driving the car.

HERMIONE (glares at Snape): Fine. Spoil my fun. You'll see where it gets you.

>Barry - Hey! Hey! Fucker.

HARRY (annoyed): What's his problem? Why can't he stop swearing? This is really getting on my nerves.

DRACO: Er, someone's stealing his car. I'd be angry, too.

HARRY: Yeah, well, you are not exactly our average citizen.

DRACO (haughtily): That's right. I'm better!

>The car back into the end of the street with Barry chasing it, the car stops, Barry is looking directly at it.

HERMIONE (triumphantly): There. Self-driving car.

SNAPE: (sighs)

>Barry - Max, you're fucking dead.

RON: Maybe Barry's a Seer.

DRACO: No way, he's too dumb.

HERMIONE: Whereas Trelawney is the epitome of wisdom.

DRACO: I see your point. Bloody useless, that class. I'm glad I dropped it.

HERMIONE: You dropped Divination?

DRACO: Of course I did! Right after my third year. Why would I go and waste my time when I could take Arithmancy instead?

HERMIONE: Aw. That's exactly what I thought! I mean, when I first met Trelawney, I knew what a nutcase she was after the first few minutes. Just look at her classroom.

DRACO: Her brothel-like, of incense smelling tearoom. If you ask me-

HARRY: Hey, can we cut the bonding and go back to the script?

DRACO/HERMIONE: (glare at Harry)

>The headlights of the car come on and starts speeding towards Barry, he starts to run away but the car is right behind him. He is backed up against an old deserted building with nowhere to go, he is looking at the car trying to think of something to do, the car pauses and then rams into Barry who flips up onto the windsheild and the car pushes him through the building. The car stops and someone in a slicker gets out and is looking down at an injured Barry. Barry is screaming for help.

HERMIONE (triumphantly again): See? Self-driving car.

SNAPE (to himself): At least it distracts her from the typos.

>Barry - Help me!!! help me!! somebody. What do you want????

HARRY (as killer): Isn't that obvious? (makes throat-cutting motion)

>The slicker-clad madman pulls out a big fishing hook.

Barry - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I swear we didn't mean it, please don't.

>Screen fades to black.

SNAPE (confused): Is Barry dead now?

DRACO: Well, let's hope so.

>INT. - Southport hospital - Julie is getting off the elevator and sees Ray.

INT. - Barrys hospital room - the four former friends are all in there talking about what just happened.

SNAPE (disappointed): So he isn't dead.

HERMIONE (encouragingly): Yet!

>Barry - No for the fortieth fucking time I couldn't see his face.

DRACO (as Barry): I bottomed, you know.

EVERYONE ELSE (MINUS SNAPE): (groans)

SNAPE: (snickers)

>Julie - We have no choice here okay? Somebody tried to kill you last night, we have to go to the police.

DRACO (as Julie): Maybe they get the job done.

SNAPE (as Helen): Yeah. I hope that fisherman killer gives us back out money.

>Barry - No he wasn't trying to kill me last night, if he wanted me dead he could've done it, he's just fucking with us.

HARRY (as Ray): You said that already. You bottomed.

HERMIONE: I have the feeling that every male here has a homosexual tendency.

RON (looking offended): Hey!

HERMIONE (quickly): Except Ron.

DRACO (to Ron): Hey, Weasel, there's something I've always wanted to know about your family. How many of your brothers are gay?

RON (blushes): I don't know.

DRACO: Oh, come on. You have to have some idea which of--

HARRY: Percy.

RON: How come you know that?

HARRY (starting to sweat): Um, no reason.

DRACO: (raises an eyebrow)

RON: Oh, holy shit! Don't tell me you and Percy- (shudders) Urgh.

HARRY (quickly): No! (mumbles) IwalkedinonPercyandOliver.

RON: What? I didn't quite catch that.

Harry (mumbling even more) IwalkedinonPercyandOliver.

DRACO: It sounded a bit like "I fall, pass over."

RON: Which makes absolutely no sense! Harry?

HARRY (now furiously red in the face): I said I. Walked. In. On. Percy. And. Oliver. There! Your brother, Percy the Prefect and Quidditch Captain Oliver Wood, naked and in bed, right in the middle of--

RON (interrupting): Oh, okay! More than I wanted to know.

DRACO: (laughs)

>Helen - Who is?

DRACO: Um, I lost it. Where were we again?

HERMIONE: While you were busy discussing Percy and Oliver's, ahem, celebration techniques, others tried to concentrate on getting out of here.

SNAPE: Nice euphemism.

HERMIONE: Thanks. (to Draco) They are talking about the killer.

DRACO (hiding his smirk): Who?

HERMIONE: (glares at him)

>Barry - I don't know, some guy in a slicker.

DRACO (smirking at Hermione): Who?

>Ray - Well that narrows it down, this being a quaint little fishing village and all.

HARRY: Oh no.

RON: What is it?

HARRY: Ray made a sarcastic remark. He's the stupid one, he shouldn't be witty. Now I can't make the "Ray is stupid" comment any more. Damn.

>Barry - Since you bring it up, we all know you have a slicker.

SNAPE: Is Barry trying to hint at something? He should be more subtle instead of being so... Gryffindorly bold.

HERMIONE/HARRY/RON: Hey!

SNAPE: Well, it's true.

HERMIONE/HARRY/RON: (glare at Snape)

DRACO: (smirks)

>Ray - You are not going to throw this on me.

SNAPE (as Barry): But it's so much fun!

>Helen - Come on you guys please don't do this.

SNAPE (as Barry): But it's so much fun!

RON (grumbling): No repetitions.

>Julie - This isn't getting us anywhere.

RON (appalled): Julie agrees with me? Please, repeat all you want!

>Ray - Look, maybe we should just come

SNAPE: (opens his mouth)

HERMIONE (quickly): Not a word! You don't have to cut out the last word only to make your stupid insinuations.

SNAPE: Does that mean I can make my "stupid insinuations" without cutting the last word?

HERMIONE: No.

>clean.

>Barry - No. No. We made a pact and we're keep it.

RON: Okay, that one even bothers me.

>Julie - Yeah but this is insane now Barry look at us, this secret's killing us.

SNAPE (as secret): Die, Barry, Julie, Helen and Ray, die!

>Barry - I'm not going to the police and you're not either.

Julie - Barry please, we could put an end to it and maybe salvage some small fraction of a life.

HERMIONE: When did Julie learn all these big words?

>Barry - And how do we do that? Huh? There was no accident Julie it was murder,

DRACO (as Julie): Oh, suddenly I'm right, eh? (as Julie, impersonating Barry) No, Julie, it was an accident! (as Julie) And now it was murder? Make up your mind already!

>your words remember?

DRACO (as Julie): Of course I remember. I'm not the stupid one, Ray is.

HARRY: Hey, that's my line!

>Murder. I say we find the fuck who's doing this and have a little one on one.

SNAPE: (stifles a groan)

HERMIONE: I'm proud of you.

>Ray - What like last night Bare?

SNAPE: (whimpers)

HERMIONE: (leans over and whispers something in Snape's ear)

SNAPE (suddenly grinning): Really?

HERMIONE: (nods)

RON: What?

DRACO/HARRY: You don't want to know.

>Barry jumps to a sitting position in his bed.

Barry - Fuck you man.

RON: Not very inventive or selective with his swear words, is he?

>Helen - No Barry's right, whosever doing this isn't going to the police, we could this guy, talk to him.

HERMIONE: (hisses)

>Barry - How do we find him?

SNAPE: Barry's not very bright, huh? (to Barry) Boy, you wouldn't want to find him - he wants to kill you...

>Helen - Well it's got to be a friend or a family member of the guy we hit. What was his name??

Julie - David Egan.

DRACO: Who?

HARRY: The killer.

DRACO: Ah.

>Helen - Right... David Egan.

DRACO (smirking): Who?

HARRY: The ki- Oh, very funny.

>EXT. - Hospital - Julie, Ray and Helen are walking through the hall ready to leave and they are discussing what they should do.

DRACO (as Julie): Um, what should we do?

HARRY (as Ray): Dunno, I'm stupid.

HERMIONE (as Helen): Dunno, I've got no brain.

DRACO (as Julie): Blast! (as himself) Or would she say "Fuck!"? Does Julie belong to the "one-swear-word" club? Well, whatever. (as Julie) Fuck! I only asked because I've no idea either.

SNAPE: That was somewhat...

RON: ...lame.

SNAPE: Yeah.

>Ray - Look I don't think we should give up on Max, it could still be him.

HARRY: No, he's dead.

>Julie - Then find him Ray, prove Barry wrong, that's what you want isn't it?

SNAPE: No, I want to f-

HERMIONE (yelling): SEVERUS!

SNAPE: Sorry.

>Ray - No, no, what I want is for you and me to just...

SNAPE: (opens his mouth)

HERMIONE: No.

SNAPE: But-

HARRY: I would listen to her, she's got that look.

SNAPE: But-

RON: Harry's right, it's the Look.

SNAPE (to Hermione): You don't even know what I wanted to say.

HERMIONE: Yes, I do. (she gives him the Look) So don't.

SNAPE (small voice): Okay.

>Julie - Listen to me Ray okay, I want you to get something, there is no you and me.

DRACO (as Julie): I'm with Helen now. She's much prettier than you, and not as stupid as you.

HARRY (as Helen): Huh?

DRACO (as Julie, frowns): Well, maybe she is as stupid as you, but she's still prettier!

>Julie takes off down the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. Ray and Helen look at each other and Helen follows Julie.

DRACO: Ha! I knew it.

HERMIONE: (rolls her eyes)

>INT. - Julies house - Julie and Helen are looking up articles about David Egan on the internet.

SNAPE: The what?

HERMIONE/HARRY: (exchange a look)

HERMIONE: Nothing.

HARRY: Not important.

HERMIONE: It's a thing on the computer.

DRACO: The parchment thing.

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY (stubbornly): Not important.

RON: No repetitions.

>Julie - Okay I can access the local library online, I think we can cross-refrence and pull up all we need to know.

HERMIONE: She's skilled.

SNAPE (nodding): Yep. Madam Pince never cross-refrences.

>She finds what she is looking for and types in her querey.

HERMIONE: (scowls)

>Julie - Egan, David.

DRACO (grinning like mad): Who?

HARRY: Not funny.

>A bunch of articles pop up on the screen.

HARRY (Grinning): Pop, pop, pop...

EVERYONE ELSE: (rolls their eyes)

HARRY: What? No kicks or punches?

DRACO (through clenched teeth): Don't tempt me.

>Helen - All these articles are about David Egan?

HERMIONE (as Julie): No. They are about someone who's also called David Egan - not the David Egan we killed when he wouldn't die. I'm sure there are hundreds of people called David Egan that were found dead after we killed them.

>Julie - Yeah or at least mention him, it should pull up anything with his name.

Julie - Wait, July 5th two years ago, what's this?

HERMIONE (surprised): A sentence with decent punctuation, more than one comma? Wow.

>Julie start reading one outloud.

HERMIONE: Effect ruined.

>Julie - Susie Willis died of drowning, she was trapped in a car after it skided out of control on the reefs near Dawsons beach, the driver David Egan was unharmed.

HERMIONE: Skided? They...skide?

RON: (opens his mouth)

HERMIONE: (glares at him)

RON: (shuts his mouth without saying "no repetitions", although it obviously pains him)

SNAPE (oblivious to the exchange): Yes, skiding. Very dangerous.

>Helen - I remember that wreck two summers ago.

DRACO: She's not so stupid after all. I'm proud.

>Julie (still reading) - Susie was engaged to David, they were gonna be married. Wait a second I remember he had her name tattooed on his arm, I saw it.

Julie pops up another article.

HARRY: Pop, pop, pop... Mwuahahahaha.

DRACO (to Hermione): He's lost it.

HERMIONE (with a concerned glance at Harry): He'll be fine once someone gets killed. He just need something with more potential.

>Julie - Survived by his mother Claire and sister Melissa Egan of Marible County.

Helen - They live in the sticks, what do you think?

DRACO (as Julie): Well, I was just thin- Oooh, shiny.

HERMIONE (as Helen): No, Julie. Bad girl! Stop licking my key ring.

HARRY (with a goofy grin): Hehe, shiny.

SNAPE: You're right - he's lost it.

>Julie - Whadda we got to lose??

SNAPE: Nothing, Potter has already lost his marbles. Not that it makes much of a difference.

HERMIONE/RON: Hey!

SNAPE (not sounding sorry): Sorry.

>EXT. - Marible County Road - Julie and Helen are driving to the Egan house. Helen is reading a map.

RON: I'm impressed.

>Helen - Turn right.

>Julie - Where??

DRACO (as Helen): Right.

HERMIONE (as Julie): No, where??

DRACO (as Helen): Right.

HERMIONE (as Julie): No, where??

>Helen - Back there.

HERMIONE (as Julie): Oh.

>They back the car up to get to the road they are looking for and turn down it.

Helen - What exactly is the plan? I mean are we just gonna ring the doorbell and say we killed your son and we were in the neighborhood so...

DRACO (as Julie): Do you think that would work?

>Julie - Look I thought we would scope it out then play it by ear.

Helen - Don't you think we should have some sort of a plan? Angela Landsbury always had a plan.

HERMIONE (as Julie): But she's old.

DRACO (to Snape, confused): Who's Angela Landsbury?

SNAPE: (shrugs)

>The car stops at a mailbox that has "Egan" written is bold letters.

SNAPE: How Gryffindor.

HERMIONE: (slaps him) And that was one stupid wordplay...

>EXT. - The Egans driveway - Julie and Helen are walking towards the house.

>Helen - What if they're waiting for us? What if they recognize us? They could have a gun and shoot us dead.

DRACO: That would save us the trouble of reading the whole script.

SNAPE: Die, Helen and Julie, die!

HERMIONE (pensively): I thought the whole concept of shooting means that the person that's shot dies. I've never heard of shot people who live.

DRACO: Yes, well, this is Helen. What did you expect?

HERMIONE: Ah, right. Forgot that for a second.

>Julie - It's been a year Helen, they could have done that already.

SNAPE: Yes, why haven't they?

>Helen - Yeah, Jodi Foster tried this and a skinner of a serial killer answered the door.

SNAPE: Skinner? Hmm, interesting. I wonder if-

HERMIONE: (makes a face)

SNAPE: (stops)

DRACO (confused): Who's Jodi Foster?

HERMIONE: An actress.

DRACO: A Muggle actress? And, how is she?

SNAPE: Must be good. She was in a movie with a "skinner of a serial killer."

HERMIONE: You quote Helen? You quote Helen? You quote Helen?

RON (yelling): No repetitions!

HERMIONE (to Ron): Oh, shut up! (to Snape) Helen? Brain-dead Helen?

DRACO (confused again): I thought she didn't have a brain. How can she be brain dead if she doesn't have one to begin with?

HERMIONE: Shut up!

HARRY (suddenly standing up): I want a break.

EVERYONE ELSE: (stares at Harry)

HARRY (walking over to the sofa): Break. Now!

DRACO (relieved): I think he's back.

End Part Two