A Perfectly Ordinary MST

Hermione Granger was waiting for her two best friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, to come down into the common room. She had spent the last few days in the library, and only emerged from time to time to go to classes and grab a sandwich from the kitchens. Now, Harry and Ron had made her promise to have breakfast with them.

Impatiently, she tapped her foot against the stone floor. Whatever are they waiting for? she thought angrily. I could be studying for the N.E.W.T.s.

She checked her watch again. Seven twenty-two, she mused. That's not too early. If I wake the boys now, I could go tot the library for another hour before Potions starts...

Using her privileges as Head Girl, she spoke the password that would allow her into the boys' dormitories without repercussions. Noiselessly, she opened the door and put a silencing spell around Harry and Ron's beds. Then she poked first Harry, then Ron with her wand.

"Geroff," Ron mumbled, and turned around. Harry didn't even react.

Hermione pursed her lip. "You two wanted to have breakfast with me, so here I am. And what are you doing? Sleeping!" she huffed. "Just you wait! Enervate!"

Harry's eyes flew open. "Hermione?" he asked, fully awake. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you. Let's have breakfast!" She turned to Ron, waking him up with a spell, too.

"It's the middle of the night!" Harry protested.

"Rubbish. It's almost eight!" Hermione shooed Harry into the bathroom, while Ron sat up, looked at his clock and snorted.

"Almost eight?" he echoed. "It's barely seven!"

"Don't be so overly correct, Ron. I promised to have breakfast with you. The least you could do is be punctual." She looked at the bathroom door. "What is Harry doing in there?"

Just then, Harry emerged from the bathroom, half-dressed and with toothpaste smeared over his right cheek. Upon hearing the last bit, he laughed.

"Hermione, lessons don't start until nine, and I doubt that breakfast is served already," he said. "We will have to wait forever to get a something."

"No, we won't," Hermione said stubbornly. She hadn't even thought about it, but of course she wasn't going to admit that. In fact, now that she did think about it, she was pretty sure that breakfast was served from eight o'clock onwards. "Now, where's Ron? Is he still not ready?" she said, trying to distract herself.

"Hermione, if you want to study that badly, why didn't you say so?" Harry sighed. "We understand it, really."

"Understand? You should study, too. The N.E.W.T.s are approaching very fast and-"

"It's not even Easter, Hermione. We've got months until the N.E.W.T.s."

Hermione just rolled her eyes.

The bathroom door opened, and Ron came out.

"Finally!"

Harry and Ron exchanged a glance, then sighed.

Together, they went down to the Great Hall. Contrary to what Harry had thought, the Great Hall wasn't completely empty. A sixth year Ravenclaw, a first year Hufflepuff and - much to his dismay - Draco Malfoy, reading a book, were sitting at the tables. Malfoy sneered at them, but Hermione ushered them towards Gryffindor table, not letting them get into a fight.

Hermione kept on rushing them. Harry had barely finished his porridge when Hermione urged them to go to the library with her.

But before they could leave, a voice from the Slytherin table interrupted them. "Hey, Pothead! You do know that your pet weasel has food all over his shirt, don't you? I don't think you've trained it well..." Malfoy smirked.

Ron, beet red in the face, stopped dead in his tracks. "Malfoy, that's it! You stupid git, only because your family is rich, you think you can just pick on everybody else. But that's not how it works. I know I am much better than you, and you are just jealous!"

"Jealous?" Malfoy raised his eyebrows. "And what exactly is there to be jealous of?" He stood up, his book still in his hands, and came over to the Gryffindor table. "Maybe your hand-me-down robes, or your lack of wits? Perhaps your poor taste in friends as well?" he said, looking at Hermione and Harry.

"You-you-you-"

"Yes?" Malfoy said, grinning.

"Prat!"

"Imaginative, Weasel," he said.

Just when Ron was about to punch Malfoy, a shadow fell across the table.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Professor Snape!"

The sneering face of the professor greeted them, and Malfoy's expression became smug.

"Oh, Professor. Weasley was about to attack me, without provocation," he said.

"Is that so, Mr Malfoy?" Snape looked around. "What are you doing up here so early?"

"I was reading a book, sir. It's about Time and Space Travel. Here, listen to that, it's supposed to be an ancient spell: liha fu gejnö luhfsig sadkum dafurg-"

There was a bright flash of light, and a loud cracking sound. Snape grabbed the book from Malfoy, and shouted "No!", but he wasn't fast enough.

A second later, a confused Hufflepuff and an indifferent Ravenclaw were the only occupants of the Great Hall.

***

"Where are we?" Hermione asked.

"Dunno," Ron said.

They were standing in an almost empty room, with white walls and a sterile atmosphere. The only furniture were a rectangular table and a few chairs.

"I don't like this," Harry said, looking around. "I want to know where we are, how we got here, and how we get back!"

"How we got here? Well, it's all Malfoy's fault," Ron said accusingly.

"Hey!" Malfoy said.

"What? You started reading this stupid book, and then boom! we were here." Ron crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Mr Weasley," Snape said.

"But, sir! Malfoy-"

"Miss Granger! Do you want to lose more points?" She shook her head. "Then shut up."

Hermione pressed her lips together. Don't say anything, he's your teacher, she reminded herself. And what's that?

There was a stack of paper lying on the table. She went closer. It was a movie script. "I Know What You Did Last Summer", she read silently. Oh god, that's a crappy movie.

"I know why we're here," Snape suddenly said.

All eyes turned to him.

"We'd better sit down and start," he said, sitting down on the chair next to Hermione.

Hesitantly, Harry and Ron sat down, but Malfoy refused to sit next to Harry.

"Mister Malfoy, sit down!" Snape's voice didn't allow protest, so Malfoy sat down.

"Now, the book you read transported us into another reality. We only get out if we read this script, and comment on it."

"What?" Malfoy said. "But - it's so long. We'll be here forever!"

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

>EXT. - Camera pan over the ocean and around reapers curve. camera zero's in on a man sitting on top of reapers curve holding a silver medallion that says "I love you".

>The man is drinking. Fireworks are set off, it's the 4th of july.

DRACO: So what?

HERMIONE: It's a national holiday in the States.

DRACO: Who asked you?

HARRY: Shut it, Malfoy.

>EXT. - The croaker parade - Floats are up and down the street and people are cheering.

>INT. The Croaker queen contest.--

RON: What's a Croaker?

HERMIONE: What's more important, how will they decide - capital c or not?

MC - That's got to be the prettiest girl we've ever had in this competition, I tell you.

SNAPE (dryly): Please, don't.

EVERYONE ELSE (stares): O_O

SNAPE: What?

HERMIONE: Sir, you-you made a joke!

SNAPE (rolls his eyes): Ten points from Gryffindor.

>Now let's welcome back our six finalist on stage, come on back out girls. There they are, pretty as can be I tell ya. were proud of you girls. you've worked hard.

HERMIONE (pained): I'm not going to say it, I'm not going to say it!

RON: Say what?

HERMIONE (almost shouting): It's 'we're', not 'were'! Don't these people learn anything at school? And hello? Beginning of a sentence - capital letters!

HARRY: Huh?

RON: Oh, and I thought you were gonna make a lewd comment about the "work hard" thing.

HERMIONE: (sighs)

>On the balcony. Barry Cox, Julie James and Ray Bronson are cheering on Helen Shiver.

HERMIONE: Doesn't it have to be "are cheering Helen on"?

HARRY: What?

HERMIONE: To cheer sb/sth on, that's the correct form. (silently ponders) Or maybe it's correct, too. Hmm, I wonder-

DRACO: Shut up, Mudblood.

HERMIONE: (glares)

>Julie - Look at her she was born for this.

DRACO: Yes, Weasley, get a good look. It's all you ever get...

RON: Shut up, Malfoy!

>Ray - I never knew her breasts were so, ample.

RON (dreamily): Can we have a screen, too?

>Barry - She does these exercises to pump 'em up.

HERMIONE (mutters): Complete rubbish, the exercises don't work.

HARRY/RON/DRACO: O_O

SNAPE: Ten points-

HERMIONE: Stop it! We won't get out of here without our comments, and if you keep taking points, I'll stop commenting. And I don't think your poor, unintelligent and childish 'comments' will get you anywhere.

SNAPE (stares for a second, then, reluctantly): Fine.

>Julie - Guys, I'm on sexist overdrive as it is, kill the commentary.

SNAPE (dryly): Avada Kedavra.

>Back on stage

>MC - Now in the spirit of Mother Teresa what will be your comtribution to your community and the world at large?

HERMIONE (gets red in the face): Comtribution? (huffs) Really, doesn't he know-

RON: It's okay, Hermione. We know all about evil spelling mistakes.

HERMIONE: (glares)

>Helen - Well Bob, at summers end I plan to move to New York City

HERMIONE: At sum-

EVERYONE ELSE: Don't!

HARRY (vehemently): No repetitions!

>where I will pursue a career as a serious actress, it's my goal to entertain the world through artistic expression, through art, I shall serve my country.

SNAPE (snorts): More like condemn it...

HERMIONE: (nods in agreement)

>Back to the balcony

>Ray - Do you believe all this shit?

DRACO (as Barry): You have to admit, Julie's got two very big, er, I mean convincing, -

HERMIONE: Shut up, Malfoy.

>Barry - Work it babe. Their eating it up, look she's incredible.

HERMIONE: (bites her lip)

SNAPE (sideway glance): You're not going to say it?

HERMIONE (furious glare): No.

SNAPE (husky voice): And if I do it?

HERMIONE (sighs): You would?

SNAPE: Why not?

HERMIONE (with tears in her eyes): Yes, please. Do it for me!

RON: Okay, anybody else here feeling a bit - uncomfortable?

HARRY/DRACO: Yep!

SNAPE (glaring): We were talking about the typo! It's "They're", not "Their"!

RON/HARRY/DRACO: Sure...

>Back to stage

DRACO (giggling): Front to door.

EVERYONE ELSE: Huh?

DRACO: What?

>MC - And now. this years Croaker Queen is... Miss Helen Shivers

The crowd cheers

ALL (unenthusiastically): Hooray!

>as the announcers gives Helen her crown and septor.

DRACO (still giggling): I'm QUEEN! HAIL ME!

HERMIONE (to Snape): Are there toxic fumes in the dungeons?

SNAPE (whispers): No, I suppose he had coffee for breakfast. That makes him a bit... giddy. His mother told me to keep him away from caffeine, but he's a sneaky little bastard. He always bribes the House-elves.

HERMIONE: Ah.

>Barry - That's my girlfriend, yeah!!!!

RON (as Barry): I'm her boyfriend!!!!

SNAPE: "Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind."

HERMIONE (interested): You read Terry Pratchett? But he's a Muggle!

SNAPE: Brilliant Muggle. Did you read his--

DRACO (yawns): Boring!

SNAPE/HERMIONE: (roll their eyes)

>EXT. The streets of SouthPort - On the street the song My Baby's Got The Strangest Ways is being preformed

HARRY (musing): Strange seems to be a keyword here...

>live by Southern Culture on the skids a hundreds of locals are parting.

DRACO: Why are they leaving?

HERMIONE: I think it means they are making way...

DRACO: For whom?

HERMIONE: (rolls eyes)

>Helen and Julie walk in.

HERMIONE: (gives Draco a look that says "Told you so!")

>Helen - How's my hair?

HERMIONE (as Helen): Where's my brain?

DRACO: (bursts into fits of laughter)

HERMIONE: What?

DRACO (recovers): Oh, Merlin. I laughed at Granger's joke. I think being in here with you has a bad effect on my mental health.

Harry: (opens mouth to speak)

DRACO (quickly): Not a word, Potter!

>Julie - Hurricane proof.

RON (excitedly): Random sentence! Thunderstorm test!

HERMIONE/DRACO/SNAPE: Huh?

HARRY: Er, Ron? It's actually not random. She just answered the question.

RON: What question?

HARRY (as Helen): Where's my brain?

DRACO: (laughs again)

>Helen - Hey, it's all about the hair don't you forget that. especially when you become some big hot shot laywer those professional women types thinks its all about brains and ability and compleatly ignore the do'.

HERMIONE/SNAPE: God!

RON: What?

DRACO (alarmed): Weasel! Shhh. (whispers) Don't let them start!

HERMIONE: Laywer?

SNAPE: Compleatly?

DRACO (resigned): Too late.

HERMIONE: And what about the "its" and "women thinks"...

SNAPE: Caps. The beginning of a sentence - capital letters...

HARRY (stand up): Stop!

HERMIONE/SNAPE: Sorry.

HARRY: (sits back down)

>Julie - So the do's vital, got it.

RON: I didn't get it.

EVERYONE ELSE: (rolls their eyes)

>Helens sister Elsa appears.

DRACO: Is she a witch?

HARRY: Why should she? It's a Muggle movie.

DRACO: But she appears just like this (snips his fingers) and no one seems to care.

HARRY: I think she was in the crowd...

RON (sleepily): Which crowd?

EVERYONE ELSE: (rolls their eyes)

>Elsa - Hey you riding with me?

>Helen - No tell mom I'll be home late.

>Elsa - Ah is little miss Croaker getting sauteed tonight?

>Helen - Oh a twit with a wit.

HERMIONE: I'm not starting with proper punctuation.

RON: There were punctuation mistakes?

SNAPE/HERMIONE: (roll their eyes)

>Elsa - Eat me.

>Max runs up to Julie

DRACO (as Max, shouting): Julie! JUUUUUUULIIIIIIEEEEE! Yoo-hoo! JULIE!

EVERYONE ELSE: O_O

DRACO (shrugs): I thought it was funny.

>Max - Hey Julie, I brought you a shooter on the house.

HERMIONE (confused): Why does she need a gun for her house?

DRACO (equally confused): I don't think they mean a gun.

HERMIONE: (shrugs)

>Julie - Oh thanks Max but I have this mental block, can't get past the slime.

RON (mumbling understandingly): Yeah, I get that, too. Sometimes.

SNAPE (shaking his head): And Minerva actually made me believe you did have a brain, Weasley.

>Max - How about I take you out

SNAPE (to Hermione): Weasley isn't really like this, is he?

HERMIONE (miserably): Yes, he is.

>before you leave town, you know kind of a bon voyage.

RON (waking up again): Leave town? Good. Maybe it's over soon.

SNAPE (sighing): Don't get your hopes up. This is only page five.

>Julie - Ah you know, I don't think so.

SNAPE (triumphantly): See?

Max - We've been friends since forever, now you cant just leave without farewell right?

HERMIONE: Typo! And what's with the question mark? That's not a question. It's not!

SNAPE (soothingly): Shhh. I know. They're evil.

>Julie - Right.

SNAPE (triumphantly again): See?

>Barry and Ray walk up. Barry takes the shooter from Max.

DRACO (confused): I thought the shooter was on the house?

>Barry - A toast to us, to our last summer of immature, adolecant decandence.

SNAPE: Adolecant decandence? (ponders) That's ridiculous - not to mention the typos. I could tell you about decadence! Back in my days, we would- (stops)

HERMIONE: What?

SNAPE: Sorry, no NC-17.

HERMIONE (disappointed): Oh.

SNAPE (leans over): I'll tell you later... in detention.

HERMIONE (grins): Oh, Professor...

HARRY/DRACO/RON (disgusted, shocked): O_O

HERMIONE/SNAPE (blushing): Let's go on, shall we?

>He drinks the shooter

HERMIONE: So it's not a gun!

DRACO: I think we established that ages ago...

HERMIONE: (glares)

>Helen - Somebody's buzzed.

SNAPE: Probably, considering that there are over eight billion people, I'm sure someone's bound to be "buzzed" - if not more than one person!

RON (resting his head on his arms): That's boring.

SNAPE (maliciously): Ten points from-

HERMIONE (yelling): You promised!

SNAPE (sighing): Fine.

>Barry (To Max) - Yo chumbake, take a hike.

>Barry then pushes Max to the ground and a fight breaks out. Ray pulls them apart.

DRACO: Spoilsport.

SNAPE: (nods affirmatively)

HERMIONE: (shakes head and rolls her eyes, thinking "boys")

>Helen - Barry their just friends.

SNAPE (pats Hermione's hand). Stay calm. It's just a typo.

>Barry - Okay Ray just taking care of your girl like I promised.

DRACO: But Ray's standing just there. Why would Barry risk getting hurt when Ray's still there?

HARRY: I don't think they were really fighting.

DRACO: Now where's the fun in not really fighting?

HARRY: I just meant - oh, forget it.

DRACO: (shrugs)

>Ray - Thanks, Buddie, now lets blow.

EVERYONE (except Hermione): (blows)

HERMIONE: I'm not going to do it. Malfoy's going to make a lewd comment if I do.

DRACO (grinning deviously): What's it, Granger? Not one for oral work? But you were always so active with that mouth of yours...

HERMIONE (glaring): Hmpf.

>Helen -Yeah okay, lets beem down to Dawson's beach. Enjoy a ride?

RON (muffled [remember, his head is still buried in his arms]): What's beeming?

HERMIONE: It's like Apparating and Disapparation, only the Muggle way.

RON: Muggles can Apparate?

HARRY: No, they can't.

RON: But Hermione said-

HARRY: Hermione is still riled up because of Malfoy, don't listen to her.

RON: But-

HARRY: No, they can't. It's just something from another Muggle movie.

RON (subdued): Okay.

>Julie (To Max) - Bye.

DRACO (as Max): Bye! (waves at no one in particular)

SNAPE (startled awake): Can we go yet?

HERMIONE: No. (glares at Draco)

>EXT. Reapers curve - Driving along the highway, driving very dangerously.

HERMIONE (mock pout): I want a dangerously driving curve, too...

>EXT. SouthPort beach - The four friends are on the beach.

Ray - So the boy and girl are making out right? When they hear over the radio that this lunatic killer's escaped from an insane asylum, he gots this long sharp hook for a hand.

HERMIONE: He gots? Wow. I never thought it was possible to fuck up a simple word like this so much.

SNAPE (admiringly): She's back.

DRACO (incredulously): She said "fuck up."

HARRY (quietly, to Draco): You should see her on those "special" days... You wouldn't believe it was her. Ron's mum made her wash her mouth with soap once.

>Barry - No, you're telling it wrong.

Ray - Shut Up!

DRACO (cheering): Yeah, Barry, shut up!

>So the girl, she gets all scared right? And the boy, all hot and bothered, he gets pissed and peels out.

RON (suddenly listening again): Pissed? We have booze?

HERMIONE: That's an American movie.

RON (disappointed): And we can't get pissed because the legal drinking age is higher there?

DRACO (rolls his eyes): No, dim-witted weasel. Pissed just doesn't mean drunk in America.

RON (disappointed): Oh. (falls back to his sleep-like state of mind)

>Barry - No, no, no no. That's not the way it goes, okay the boy goes for help and the girl stays in the car and she hears this scratching sound...

HARRY (ventriloquist voice): Scratch, scratch, scratch...

Helen (interupting) - It's not a scratching sound, it's a drip, drip, drip.

HARRY (ventriloquist voice): Drip, drip, drip...

DRACO (annoyed): Cut it!

HARRY: I didn't do anything. (grinning) Or did you see my mouth move?

>Barry - No. its scartching

HARRY (ventriloquist voice): Scartch, scartch, scartch...

EVERYONE ELSE: Harry!

HARRY (remorseful): Sorry, I couldn't resist temptation.

HERMIONE: And the typ-

SNAPE: (puts his hand over Hermione's mouth)

HERMIONE: mpfmpf

>because the guys been hung from a tree limb and his feet are scratching on the roof of the car.

RON: What guy?

DRACO: The pissed one.

RON: But I thought-

EVERYONE ELSE: Yes, Ron! (rolls their eyes)

Helen - No, he's been decapitated and it's the blood for his severed neck

SNAPE: Blood for his severed neck? I didn't know that transfusions were necessary - or useful - after your head was cut off...

HERMIONE: Well, and being dead could be a disadvantage, too.

SNAPE: (nods in agreement)

>that's dripping on the car going drip, drip, drip.

Harry: (opens mouth)

EVERYONE ELSE (threateningly): Don't!

Harry: (pouts)

>Julie - No he wasn't decapitated, he was gutted with a hook. That's the way I heard it.

SNAPE: No, I heard someone used the killing curse.

HERMIONE: Nonsense - he was beaten to death with a shovel!

DRACO: Oh, really? I thought someone poisoned him with belladonna.

RON (yawns, shaking his head): You have no idea, have you? He was impaled by the non-existent alcohol bottles - by the time they were finished, the glass was sticking out of his back...

HARRY: ...

EVERYONE ELSE: (looks at Harry expectantly)

HARRY: What? I can't think of horrid ways to kill someone - I'm an innocent hero.

DRACO/SNAPE: (snort)

>Ray - You're all wrong, they get back to the girls house and find the lunatics bloody hook in the car door. Now that's the original story, that's the way it really happened.

Barry - Hey, hey none of it really happened, it's a bullshit ghost story to begin with.

HERMIONE: Yes, it is.

>Ray - No it's not,

HERMIONE: Is too.

>it's true.

HERMIONE: See?

SNAPE (feels her forehead): Do you have a fever?

HERMIONE (frowns): No. I was trying to get us out of here. You know, making witty remarks.

DRACO (mumbles): Witty? (snorts) Yeah.

>Helen - Yeah I don't think so Ray

>Ray - I swear it.

HARRY (quietly, to Draco): He swears.

DRACO (quietly, to Hermione): He swears.

HERMIONE (quietly, to Snape): He swears.

SNAPE (quietly, to Ron): He swears.

RON: Huh?

EVERYONE ELSE: (rolls their eyes)

>Julie - Please, it's a fictional story created to warn young girls of the dangers of having premarital sex.

DRACO (sarcastically): There are dangers?

HERMIONE (rolls her eyes): Who would've thought, eh?

RON (oblivious): What?

>Ray - Well actually honey, you know how terrified I am of your IQ

SNAPE (mutters to Hermione): Actually, I love intelligent women.

HERMIONE (blushes): Really?

SNAPE (nods)

DRACO (disgusted): Oh, stop it! (points to Snape) Paedophile! (points to Hermione) Freak!

>but it's an urban legend, american folklore and they all usually originate from some real life incident.

Ray smiles.

HARRY: Now that's just creepy.

EVERYONE ELSE: (looks at him oddly)

HARRY (shrugs): I think it is.

>Some time has passed on the beach and Helen is running around while Barry is laying on the ground.

HERMIONE: I admire Helen. I want to be just like her. To be able to run around just like that - I could never do that! (breaks out in fake tears)

DRACO: Yes, I understand. Barry is my idol. Lying on the ground - that's what I want to achieve in life. (to Snape, accusingly) You never teach important stuff like that!

SNAPE: (stares)

>Helen - So by that time, I will just be finishing my two year contract on Guiding Light, coinciding with your first year as starting quaterback for the steelers...

Barry - Cowboys!

RON (beaming): Indians!

>Helen - Whatever. Then we can elope in Europe or the Caymans or wherever where I will let you impregnate me

SNAPE: Practical, isn't she? It's always good to have a plan in life.

>with the first of thrre children,

SNAPE (re-considering): Or maybe thrre children is a bit much...

HERMIONE: I know I don't want thrre children. I wouldn't know how to manage that. But maybe I wto I can manage.

DRACO: Good for you.

>before you head off to rehab and then we can live hapily...

SNAPE: That's a bit much of a plan... not to mention the typo.

HERMIONE: (nods)

>Another part of the beach. Julie is walking alone on the beach calling out for Ray.

DRACO (as Julie, shouting): Ray! RAAAAAYYYYYY! RAY!

HARRY (mumbles): He did it again.

DRACO (defensively): What?

>Ray (running behind her) - I'm gonna hook you!!

RON: (is awake from Draco's screaming, makes stabbing motions)

DRACO: Weasel, that's stabbing, you have to hook. (makes "hooking" motion)

RON: That's what I did!

DRACO: Did not.

RON: Did too.

DRACO: Did not.

RON: Did too.

DRACO: Did not.

RON: Did too.

DRACO: Did not.

SNAPE (loudly): STOP!

>Julie - Hey Ray you don't really believe all that crap do you?

HARRY (as Ray): Why not? Alternative lifestyle and all that...

>Ray - That's true.

HARRY: See?

SNAPE: That's my line!

>Julie - Please, it's really a phallic symbol.

SNAPE: No, it's just my line. I said it twice already, so it's mine...

>Ray - Oh really?

SNAPE: Yes!

>Julie - Yeah ultimatly castrated. God I'm gonna miss you.

SNAPE: Castrated? Potter, you can have it.

DRACO: Not that he ever got laid, so he wouldn't need it anyway.

Snape: (snickers)

>They sit down on the sand.

RON: (stands up, then sits down again)

EVERYONE ELSE: Huh?

RON (stands up): "They sit down on the beach" (sits down)

HERMIONE: Hey! No repetitions!

>Ray - You don't have to, you can always ditch this Boston thing and come to New York with me.

Julie - Yeah well we can't all sit in the village coffee house and ramble esoterically on our laptops. There just isn't enough room.

DRACO: What's a laptop?

HERMIONE: It's a portable computer.

DRACO: (stares blankly)

HARRY: It's a Muggle device. You can write on it, or er, do other stuff.

DRACO: Like parchment.

HERMIONE: No.

DRACO: But-

HARRY: No.

DRACO: But-

HERMIONE/HARRY: NO!

HARRY: It's not important.

>Ray - See, no one gets me the way you do.

SNAPE: I bet no one wants to.

>Julie - I understand your pain

SNAPE: (snorts)

>Ray - Precisely.

HERMIONE: Exactly.

DRACO: Definitely.

SNAPE: Accurately.

HARRY: Punctiliously??

RON: I can't think of anything else. Let's just move on.

>Julie - I hate this. I really hate this. You're gonna go off and fall for some head shaving-black wearing-tattoo covered-body peircing philosophy student.

HERMIONE: Whoa! Let's see - hyphens. Typos. General idiocy. I don't understand that someone could write "head shaving-black wearing" instead of "head-shaving, black-wearing." It's so easy - and they don't get it.

SNAPE: (sighs empathically)

>Ray - That sounds attractive.

DRACO (as Julie): Does not!

HARRY (as Julie): Don't you understand, Ray? It's completely unattractive. (huffs) Shaved head!

HERMIONE (as Julie): Not the least attractive.

SNAPE (as Julie): No one wants you anyway.

EVERYONE MINUS RON: (waits for Ron to complete it)

SNAPE (kicks Ron under the table): Wake up!

RON (wakes up): Where are we? Oh, right. (as Julie, unenthusiastic) Unattractive.

>Julie - And I'll never see you again.

DRACO (eagerly): Do you promise?

>Ray - Hey, did you know the success rate of high school sweetheart realationships is higher than any other type of relationship?

SNAPE: Really? Frightening prospects.

HERMIONE (nods): And the typo's scary, too.

EVERYONE ELSE: (stares at her)

HERMIONE: Sorry.

>Julie - Yeah? Name your source.

HARRY (as Ray): My dad said so.

>Ray then puts his hand on his heart.

>Julie begins to remove her jacket.

Ray - Are you sure?

DRACO (as Julie): Well, your dad said it, so yes, I'm sure. (dreamy voice) Your dad knows what he's talking about.

HARRY (as Ray): You and my dad?! How could you?

DRACO (as Julie): Well, let me explain it to you. There's the bees and the-

RON: You two are disturbing.

DRACO (proudly): Thank you.

>Julie nods yes. Music comes up and the two begin to kiss as they lay on the ground.

HERMIONE: Slut.

DRACO (as Julie): What? Just because I jump every male being in the near vicinity I'm a slut?

HERMIONE (nods): Yep.

DRACO (as Julie): Oh. (Beat) Okay.

>Cut to - Helen and Barry at Barry's car. Barry wan't the keys to his car.

SNAPE: And I thought it was "he wants"...

HERMIONE: That was lame.

SNAPE: Sorry.

>Helen - Okay manmeat give me the keys.

HERMIONE: Manmeat?

RON (gleefully): No repetitions!

Hermione: (glares at Ron)

>Barry - Who's car is this? Nobody drives my car but me.

HERMIONE: "Who's c-" Wait, no repetitions. But it's still wrong.

SNAPE: We know. (looks at Ron, who's drifting off to sleep again) Or at least those of us with a brain.

>Helen - I know that baby but the Croaker Queen has to get home now.

SNAPE (confused): Which baby? There's a baby?

HERMIONE: Nope. The transcribers neglected the commas - again! She calls Barry "baby".

SNAPE (realisation dawning): Ah.

>Helen then grabs the keys from Barry.

HARRY (before he can be stopped): Grab, grab, grab!

DRACO: (smacks Harry around the head)

>Helen - Thank you.

DRACO (as Barry, in a slurred voice): You're not welcome.

>Julie and Ray walk up.

Helen - Hey you two.

Helen tosses the keys to Ray.

DRACO (as Barry): Gimme back! You're so mean!

>Barry - Give me my fuckin' keys.

DRACO: That's what I said.

>Ray - You're trashed pal.

Helen - Come ride in the back with me, I'll let you do things to me.

RON (waking up again): Wait. First, a bloke puts his hand over his heart and gets laid, then another one gets pissed and gets some action. I tried both, but it doesn't ever work for me!

SNAPE: (snorts with laughter)

DRACO: (stuffs his fist into his mouth to prevent himself from laughing)

>Barry (to Ray) - Nobody drives my car but me you got that shit smear?

HARRY: Wasn't his name Ray?

DRACO: No, 'shit smear' is Ray's evil twin.

HARRY: Ah.

>Ray - Loud and clear. Get in the car.

HARRY: Wait. Now it's triplets?

DRACO (pensively): And Ray has definitely the freaky name. I mean, between 'shit smear' and 'loud and clear', who'd want to be called Ray?

>INT. Barry's car. - Ray is driving, Julie is in the passanger seat and Barry and Helen are in the back seat making out. The car shifts and Barry sits up.

>Barry - You can't drive for shit you know that?

HARRY (as Ray): I don't have to. You pay me, forgot that?

>Julie (to Barry) - Can you say Al-co-hol-ic???

DRACO (as Barry): No. Too many sybball-syllibbly-sabblyblies- thingys. Do you have an easier word to say?

HERMIONE: Plus two more question marks!

DRACO: Right.

>Sappy music is playing on the radio.

SNAPE: What is snappy music? Give me an example.

EVERYONE ELSE: (shrugs)

HERMIONE: By the way, it reads "sappy", without "n".

SNAPE: Oh. I still don't get it. Give me an example.

RON (in his sleep): No repetitions.

>Barry - What the hell is this crap?

SNAPE: See? He doesn't know either!

HERMIONE: But he's drunk.

SNAPE: (shrugs)

>Barry then puts on some thrash music and climbs out the sunroof while swilling back the booze and screaming. Barry then drops his bottle on Ray and the car starts to slide.

HERMIONE (sarcastically): Intelligent move.

DRACO (nods): Probably the most intelligent thing he ever did.

SNAPE: Just think of it - he must have made an effort to drop that bottle...

DRACO/HERMIONE (in mock awe): Wow.

HARRY: (shrugs)

RON: (snores slightly)

>Julie - You asshole.

HERMIONE: Whoa! Language!

DRACO (mutters): And that from the girl that says "fucked up."

>Ray - What's wrong with you?

Barry - WATCH OUT!!!!!!!

RON (wakes up again - jumps): AHHHH!

EVERYONE ELSE (panicking): WHAT?!

RON: What? Barry said "Watch out". I was startled.

EVERYONE ELSE: (glares at Ron)

HERMIONE (mutters under her breath): And no repetitions.

>The car hits something hard and skids off the road.

SNAPE (dryly): Well, that's... unfortunate.

>Helen - What was that?

DRACO (as Barry): Dunno. I'm pissed.

>Ray - I don't know.

HARRY (as Helen): Nothing new here. You're stupid. You never know anything!

>Julie - Is everybody okay?

HARRY (as Helen): Don't ask Ray. He's stupid.

>Helen -Yeah

>Ray - Maybe it was an animal

HARRY (in a 'stupid' voice, mocking Ray): Maybe it was an animal - God, he is stupid.

RON: You repeat yourself.

DRACO: Let me, Weasel. (smirks, then smacks Harry)

HARRY: Ouch. (rubs his head)

>Barry comes down through the sunroof.

Helen - Oh my god you're bleeding.

SNAPE: Finally something happens.

HERMIONE: But it's all blood and danger.

SNAPE: So?

>Barry wipes the blood of his face.

HERMIONE: Of? (pauses, then shakes her head) Whatever.

>Barry - It's not mine.

SNAPE (disappointed): I don't like Barry. I want him to bleed.

RON: (scoops his chair as far away from Snape's as possible)

>Ray - It must have been a dog or something.

SNAPE (loudly): BORING!

>Barry (screaming) -

SNAPE (eagerly): Yeah! (singsong voice) Barry's going to die...

>Jesus Christ, my fuckin' car.

SNAPE (disappointed): Oh.

DRACO (leans in to Hermione): Can't you stop him?

HERMIONE (quietly, to Snape): Professor, I think there will be killing later on.

SNAPE: Really?

HERMIONE: Yes.

SNAPE: (fidgets on his seat, eagerly waiting for the killing to start, but stays silent)

>They all hop out and look at the smashed up car.

Barry - Fuck! Can't you see where you're going??

DRACO: A bit late now, isn't it?

>Ray - Look, it came out of nowhere, I didn't see it.

Julie - A dog couldn't have done that.

HARRY: I agree. A dog can't drive. Ray can't drive. They both can't drive.

EVERYONE ELSE: (stares)

HARRY: I had a point (meaningful pause) Ray is as stupid as a dog.

HERMIONE: Dogs aren't stupid!

HARRY: Hermione, it's all for effects. We want to get out, don't we?

HERMIONE (reluctantly): You're right.

>Barry - Yeah well a fucking deer could.

HARRY: Could not. (pause) Or maybe it could - it might not be as stupid as Ray...

DRACO: You kinda have a one track mind, don't you? And an odd fixation on Ray. I wonder why that is...

HARRY: (kicks Draco)

>Ray - You dropped your bottle, I was just...

HARRY: (opens his mouth)

EVERYONE ELSE (imitating Harry): Stupid!

>Barry (interupting) - My dad is gonna freak on my ass.

DRACO: (nearly falls off his chair, laughing)

HARRY: (bits his lip)

SNAPE: (snorts with laughter)

RON: (turns beet red and bangs his head on the table)

HERMIONE (threateningly): And don't you dare say it!

>Helen - It was an accident leave him alone.

SNAPE (bursts out laughing): Accident! Last time was an accident! (more laughter) Accident! (as Barry's dad) Sorry, son, that was an accident, I have no idea how my co-

HERMIONE (hits Snape): Don't!

>Julie - Where is it?

SNAPE: Told you, it was -

HERMIONE (clears her throat): Ahem.

SNAPE (lamely): An accident?

>If it was a deer then where is it??

Ray - Maybe it ran off.

DRACO (as Julie, dramatically): With your dad! I'm so sorry, Barry, but you ars-

HERMIONE (stands up): WILL YOU STOP IT! The next one who makes a reference to... that won't be able to walk straight for a week after I'm finished with them.

EVERYONE ELSE: O_O (then laughter)

RON (between laughter): Oh, Hermione. Wrong choice of words!

HERMIONE (sits back down, blushing): Hmpf.

>Helen - I hope so, I hope we didn't kill it.

Barry - Fuck that.

HERMIONE: (hits Snape)

SNAPE: Hey! I didn't say anything.

HERMIONE (shrugs): Just making sure.

>Lets go.

>Julie sees a mans boot on the side on the road with blood on it.

Julie - Oh my god.

DRACO: It's the Boot of Doom! With capital letters. AHHHHH!

>She runs

DRACO: Clever girl.

>and picks it up.

DRACO: No, stupid girl.

HARRY: No, you got it wrong. Ray is stupid. Julie is just - well, she can't be stupid. That's Ray's thing.

>Ray - No way.

HARRY (irritated): Yes way. I said so. Now shut up, stupid.

>Julie - Oh my god.

>Helen - But I thought...

HARRY (yells): STOP IT! He is stupid, you are not. End of story.

EVERYONE ELSE: O_O

DRACO (tentatively): Potter, calm down. It's okay to feel that way.

HARRY: Oh. Sorry. Got carried away, I suppose.

>Ray - I didn't see it.

HARRY: (hits himself)

RON: What was that for?

HERMIONE/SNAPE/DRACO: (glare at Ron)

HARRY (suffering): I didn't want to say it.

RON: Didn't want to say what?

SNAPE: (hits Ron)

HARRY: That Ray didn't see it because he is STUUUUPPPPPIIIIDDD!

>Barry - No there's no way.

>Julie - Oh my god this isn't happening.

DRACO: Clearly, they are all in denial.

HERMIONE: That was lame. Not even funny in a lame way.

DRACO (glaring at her): I just remembered... Do you know what Barry's surname is?

EVERYONE ELSE: (shakes their heads)

DRACO: Cox... (dramatically) Cock-s!

HERMIONE: (growls at Draco)

>Barry runs and gets some flashlights out of the trunk of the car. They begin looking.

>Barry - You check that side.

HARRY (as Ray): Can't, I'm stupid.

SNAPE: I thought you'd given that up.

HARRY: No, but I'm okay. I can accept it now.

>Ray - Yeah.

Barry - Come on Helen.

Julie screams in horror,

EVERYONE (as Julie): AHHHHH!

>there is a body laying on the side of the road.

SNAPE (eagerly): Is he dead?

>Ray - I couldn't see him, I swear.

HARRY: I think we've established that by now.

>Helen - Is he dead?

SNAPE: Now there's a good girl.

HERMIONE: (watches him suspiciously)

>Ray - I don't know

HARRY: (stops breathing)

>Barry - Check his pulse.

Ray - No way

Barry - You're the one who rammed him.

SNAPE: We're back in the land of "Ooops, it was an accident!"

HERMIONE (with a tired voice): Just don't, okay?

>Julie - Just do it.

HERMIONE: No, don't!

>Ray goes towards the body and checks his pulse.

Ray - I think he's dead.

Barry - SHIT... FUCK!!!

SNAPE (as Barry's father, low voice): Well, son, both at the same time is, er, impossible. You will have to decide if you want to fu-

HERMIONE: I can hear you, you know.

SNAPE: (smirks)

>Helen - Who is he?

>Ray - I can't tell, his face is all messed up.

>Barry - What the hell was he doing out here?

DRACO (as dead guy): Hiding from your dad, Barry!

HERMIONE: (silent)

DRACO: What, Granger, you don't tell me to shut up?

HERMIONE (eyes Snape and Draco): You two are a lost cause.

>Julie - We've got to call the police and get an ambulance out here.

Barry - Hey hey what's your hurry? The guys dead.

SNAPE: My sentiment exactly.

>Julie - You're not a doctor you don't make that descison.

HERMIONE: I doubt that my doctor ever made a descison. He has a tendency to make decisions, though.

>Barry - Use your brain Julie, we call the police and were fucked.

SNAPE/DRACO: (burst out laughing)

HERMIONE: What I think is remarkable about that sentence is the time shift. First they call and then "were" fucked? Is that even possible? (sideways glance at Snape and Draco) And no, don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question!

HARRY (mediating): I think it's just a typo. Forgot the apostrophe.

>Julie - It was an accident.

HARRY: I said so.

>Ray - Look, lets think about this a minute.

HARRY: See, apostrophe. He does that all the time.

DRACO: He?

HARRY: The transcriber.

DRACO: How do you know it's not a she?

HARRY: Malfoy, I don't care. Why do you?

DRACO: I don't.

HARRY: Then stop it!

>Julie - Think about what? Think about what?

HARY: And I though Ray was the stupid one. Maybe Julie is.

>He was crossing the road in the middle of the night okay it was an accident, you weren't drinking or speeding.

>Ray - There's liquor all over the car.

DRACO: Er, just a question - What is a car?

HERMIONE: Why didn't you ask before?

DRACO: It didn't seem important.

HERMIONE: (rolls her eyes)

SNAPE: A car is a Muggle device not unlike a carriage, only without horses, and faster. And more expensive.

DRACO: Ah.

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON: How do you know?

SNAPE: I shagged the Muggle Studies professor.

HARRY/RON: Yuck. Too much information.

HERMIONE: (jealous glare)

>Julie - But you're sober.

HARRY: And stupid.

DRACO: I though Julie was the stupid one now.

HARRY: Old habits die hard.

HERMIONE (giggling): Die Hard... I'm glad we don't have to do that one.

RON/DRACO/SNAPE: (confused glances)

HARRY: (snickers)

>Ray - They will never believe I was driving.

Barry - It's my car, they'll nail my ass.

SNAPE (as Barry's father): Now, son, about you ars-

HERMIONE (covers her ears and sings loudly): LALALALALALALALA - I'm not listening. LALALALALALALA - I'm not listening.

>Helen - That's not true.

HERMIONE: Yes, it is. LALALALALA - I'm not listening.

>Barry - Are you kidding? Look at me, I'm drunk as shit, I'm fucked.

HERMIONE (exasperated): God, don't they ever stop?

>Helen - So we'll call the police, just tell them the truth, they'll believe us.

>Ray - It's manslaughter. We're gonna fry no matter who takes the fall.

Barry - Then we leave right now.

Julie - No way are you crazy?

HARRY (as Barry): No comment. I don't want to incriminate myself.

>Ray - The grills busted, there's blood everywhere.

>Barry - We can clean it up, come on.

>Julie - Listen to yourselves,

>NO we are going to the police.

>Barry (still screaming) -

SNAPE: When did he start screaming?

EVERYONE ELSE: (shrugs)

>We don't have time for your shit, you understand? we've got to move fast.

>Ray - Hey, now lets try to stay calm. Focus.

>Julie - Don't you get it? If there's some of him on the car, there's some of the car on him, their gonna trace it back to you, you're looking at a hit and run.

SNAPE: I can do the hitting...

HERMIONE: I don't think that was literal.

>Barry - Then we dump the body.

Julie - You've lost it.

SNAPE: Not yet. It's still lying there.

>Helen - Like just pretend we were never here.

>Barry - We could drag him into the water and dump him in, they wouldn't find the fucker for weeks by that time all the evidence would be washed away.

>Ray - If they found him at all... The currents are strong, the undertow could carry him out to sea.

Julie - I won't be any part of it.

Ray - Look I'm scared Julie, I'm not like the rest of you, I don't have the family or the money to get me out of this. Please.

>Barry - This is your future Julie, think about it, college, your schloarship.

HERMIONE: Do they offer schloarships at Hogwarts?

DRACO: I don't think so.

HERMIONE: Good. Because I'm not sure I would want one...

>The guy's already dead, if we go to the police we're dead too.

SNAPE: I don't think the Muggle police will kill you.

>A truck starts coming down the road towards them.

>Barry - Fuck.

SNAPE: Again?

>Helen - What do we do?

Barry (to Ray) - Help me.

DRACO (as Barry): Kiss me.

SNAPE (as Barry): Touch me.

HERMIONE (as Barry): Hit me.

HARRY (as Barry): Kill me.

RON: (snores)

SNAPE (kicks Ron): Wake up!

RON (startled): Gah! (glares at them)

>Barry and Ray pick up the body and carry him over to the other side of the guardrail.

Helen - Shit, they're slowing down. Who is it?

Julie - It's Max.

SNAPE: The one with the shooter that wasn't a gun?

HERMIONE: Yep.

>Barry - Get rid of him.

>Max stops the truck.

Max - Julie? What you got car trouble?

Max and Julie look over to the guardrail where Barry is pretedning he is vomiting.

DRACO (to Harry, in a conversional voice): Did you ever pretedn to vomit?

HARRY: No, I always go for the real thing. Did you ever have to pretedn?

DRACO: No, but I know this bloke whose sister knows a man who knew-

HERMIONE/SNAPE: Enough.

>Julie - Actually, it's Barry, he's had way too much to drink and were trying to keep the up-chuck out of the new car.

>Max looks back at the smashed up car.

Max - Doesn't look so new anymore

RON: Now Max is supposed to be funny, eh?

EVERYONE ELSE: You're not asleep?!

RON: (shrugs)

>Julie - Yeah, don't drink and drive.

>Max - Daddy's gonna be mad.

SNAPE: I'm not going to say it. (pause) I'm not.

>Ray comes over to the truck.

Ray - What can I do for you Max?

SNAPE (as Max): Well, since Barry is incapable of helping me out with my raging har-

HERMIONE: Didn't you say you were not going to say it?

SNAPE: About Barry and his dad, yes. But this is Ray and Max.

HERMIONE: (shakes her head firmly)

>Max - You can wipe that "my shit don't stink grin off your face".

>Ray - Okay Max, will do. Have a goodnight.

>Max - You almost got that rich boy act down Ray.

>Ray - We'll be seeing you Max.

>Max - Yup. Take care Julie.

>Max drives away.

DRACO: Why didn't anyone comment on the "my shit don't stink grin off your face", or the "goodnight" or Ray's stupidity?

HARRY: I'm so over Ray's stupidity...

SNAPE: I'm tired of being hit by her. (points to Hermione)

HERMIONE: I was busy looking menacing so that he (points to Snape) wouldn't say it.

RON: (snores)

EXT. Down at the docks. - Barrys car is arriving,

HERMIONE (pouts): I want a self-driving car for my parents. I bet they would like that.

HARRY: If the Yanks invent a self-driving car, Uncle Vernon is the first to forget all his hatred and prejudices and buy it. Hypocrite.

SNAPE/DRACO: (shrug)

>they get out and open the trunk and Barry and Ray start dragging the body down to the water.

>Barry - Even if his body washes ashore in the next couple of weeks, he'll be eaten by crabs and small fish. Maybe we'll get lucky with a shark. Take him to the side.

DRACO: The shark?

HARRY: The body.

DRACO: Why doesn't he say "Take the body to the side"? It would be less confusing.

HARRY: Barry is drunk.

DRACO: Oh, right. That's kinda hard to remember, now that he's stopped saying it every two seconds...

>they start to lower him on to the side of the wharf.

>Barry - Put him down.

DRACO: Okay, I know he's drunk, but - they are lowering him down already, and then Barry says "put him down"?

HARRY: (shrugs)

>Ray - Easy, that's it.

Barry - Lets do it.

SNAPE: This is torture.

HERMIONE: Okay, you can say it. Once.

SNAPE (as Ray): But Barry, what will your dad say? Don't you know our love is a forbidden love? Your arse still belongs to him!

HERMIONE: Happy now?

SNAPE: Very.

>Julie - Wait.

Ray - What?

Julie - Should we check his wallet and see who he is?

DRACO: I knew it! No one is that innocent. She wants to nick his money.

HERMIONE: No, she wants to know who he is, so that she can visit his probably non-existent sister and not tell her that she killed her brother.

DRACO: O_O

HERMIONE: I'm a little fed up with all this...

>Barry - Why?

HERMIONE: Because it's boring, and I wanted to learn for my N.E.W.T.s and I'm hungry.

>Julie - I don't know okay, just to know.

HERMIONE: I just told you.

>Helen - I don't want to know.

HERMIONE: Bitch. I don't care. You will listen to me, do you hear that?!

SNAPE: Er, but you do know that they can't hear you, right? That's it's just a script?

HERMIONE (glares at him): I know. At least I'm trying to get out of here, unlike some people. (glares at Ron, who's still sleeping)

SNAPE: (kicks Ron)

RON (startled): Gah! What?

>Barry - Let's just pretend he's some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we're doing everybody a favor. Ray help me.

DRACO: Here we go again. (as Barry) Ray, kiss me.

SNAPE (as Barry): Ray, touch me.

HERMIONE (as Barry): Ray, hit me.

HARRY (as Barry): Ray, kill me.

RON (snorts): You're waking me up for that?

>Ray - I don't think I can Barry.

SNAPE: Oh, the possibilities of that statement. I could-

HERMIONE (interrupting): But you won't.

SNAPE (resigned): But I won't.

>Barry - Shit, we agreed

SNAPE (mutters): Unfortunately, yes.

>Julie - God, come on Barry it's not too late.

Barry (screaming) - You, shut up just shut up.

DRACO: Barry is very vocal, isn't he?

HARRY (grins maliciously at Hermione): He's a screamer...

HERMIONE (groans): Harry, not you, too!

>Helen (wanting to get it over with) -

HERMIONE (groaning): I want to get it over with, too.

SNAPE: Me too.

DRACO: And me.

HARRY: Me too.

RON: (snores)

HERMIONE: Next time, we leave him home.

EVERYONE (MINUS RON): (nods)

>Christ already I'll do it.

Helen and Barry start to move the body towards the water when all of the sudden the man wakes up and grabs Helens crown,

HERMIONE (as HELEN): My crown - my shiny crown, my (dramatically) preciousssss.

HARRY: (snorts with laughter)

DRACO/SNAPE: Huh?

>they all scream and push him in the water.

HARRY: Now that's not nice. First they kill him, and when he isn't dead, they still want to drown him.

>Helen (Hystrical) - My crown, he's got my crown.

HERMIONE (as Helen): My preciousssss...

HARRY: (more laughter)

DRACO: What's that all about?

HERMIONE: Another movie. Not important.

>Barry jumps in the water after the crown and swims to the bottom where the man has landed with the crown in his hand.

SNAPE: What a sentence! (thinks, then hopefully) Hey, maybe Barry drowns, too. He's drunk, after all.

>Barry reaches for it and as his hands touches the crown the mans eyes pop open and Barry beats the crown away from him while screaming his head off and swims back to the top leaving the man underwater.

HERMIONE: I'm not saying anything about all the missing commas.

DRACO: And I don't even want to know how he is "screaming his head off" under water.

SNAPE: Or why Barry is still alive...

>Ray - Over here.

Barry slams the crown to Helen and walks towards the car.

Ray - Let's get out of here.

Barry - We're going home now and never, ever, under any circumstances known to God speak about this again is that clear? It is now mearly a futural therapy bill agreed?

HERMIONE: (groans and buries her face in her hands)

>Barry (Screaming) - Helen??

DRACO: Barry and his screaming are getting on my nerves. I want a break.

>Helen - I'll never mention it again.

Barry - We make a pact, right here and now we take this to our grave.

SNAPE: And hopefully, you'll be the first to fulfil that pact.

RON (waking up): Huh?

SNAPE (makes stabbing motion): Die, Barry, die!

>Ray - Agreed.

SNAPE: Go Ray!

>Barry - Julie?

Julie nods her head in agreement.

Barry (livid) - Don't you nod your head you fuckin say it.

>Julie (somber) - Yeah okay.

>Barry runs and grabs Julie by the neck pushing her against the car.

SNAPE: Oh, violent Barry. (as Barry) Die, Julie, die!

HERMIONE: I think he needs a break.

>Barry - We take this to our grave, let me hear it.

>Ray - Let her go Barry.

>Barry - you fucking say it!

>Julie - Okay Barry, we take this to the grave.

SNAPE (mutters, as Julie): Die, Barry, die.

>Barry gets in the car wet and furious.

DRACO: Julie stays on the beach hot and bothered.

HARRY: Ray jumps into the water fast and screaming.

Ron: (snores)

SNAPE: Helen walks to the cliff green and smoking.

HERMIONE: We definitely need a break.

>Ray (to Julie) - It will be okay.

End Part One