Seamus' Gaydar

"So how do you know whether you're gay or straight?"

The five boys were sat on their beds, the door was locked and, under no circumstances, were girls allowed in.

"Well, if you're questioning, Harry, then you've already started on the path."

"Yeah. I mean neither Ron nor Seamus has ever questioned. They know instinctively."

"I'm totally straight..."

"...and I'm totally not," said Seamus putting on an outrageously camp accent and flipping his wrists around like a maniac.

"Whereas I had to ask, because I was completely clueless." Dean smiled wryly.

It was Ask Uncomfortable Questions Day in the Gryffindor seventh year boys' room. Harry and Neville were asking the questions, Ron, Dean and Seamus were answering.

"The best place to start is yourself," said Dean. "How do you feel about girls? How do you feel about boys? How do you feel about them in relation to you? I mean, just as people that you know."

Neville started. "Well, I like boys but I like girls more. I feel more comfortable around girls."

"Well, that suggests you've got some same sex tendencies," said Ron.

"No, no, no. Don't jump to conclusions, Ron." Seamus pointed to Harry.

"Well, I like boys. I don't feel comfortable around girls unless I've developed friendships already, like Ginny, or Hermione. I just find it difficult to talk to them."

"Which is more of a straight thing."

Seamus just smiled condescendingly at Ron.

"Okay, round two. How do you feel about boys and girls?" Dean was really taking this seriously.

"What do you mean?"

"What Dean means, Neville, is that everyone falls in love with couples. You see two people and you just think that they are perfect for each other. You don't love them as individuals, you love them as one," said Seamus.

Ron looked at him in astonishment. "You've really thought about this a lot, haven't you, Seamus?"

This time Harry went first, "Okay, top five. Five, Parvati and Ernie. Four, Ginny and Colin. Three, Blaise and Padma. Two, you two," he said nodding his head at Dean and Seamus, "and one, Ron and Hermione if course."

Ron grinned as Neville started to list his. "Padma and Blaise, Ernie and Parvati, Lavender and Joshua, Dean and Seamus and Ginny and Colin. Sorry Ron."

Ron winked and focussed his attention back to Seamus.

Dean processed the results. "So Harry had four straight and one gay couple, but two involve Ginny and Ron which is family, so that doesn't count."

"Neville's on four straight to one gay, because he picked all the girls he hangs around with, while Harry's on two straight to one gay."

"Okay. Third round."

"The practical," said Seamus with a grin.

"Now before you two go through this, you must declare any acknowledged crushes, and be prepared to kiss people that you may not have ever considered kissing before. Okay?"

Both Neville and Harry nodded, looking slightly apprehensive.

"Right," said Seamus with relish, "first of all Harry has to kiss me, and Neville has to kiss Dean." Dean waved his hand, indicating that Neville should perch on the side of his bed, whilst Seamus scooted onto Harry's looking eager.

Dean and Neville went in for a kiss, some trepidation on Neville's part. Harry, Ron, and Seamus watched as Dean slowly moved his lips across Neville's and brought his fingers around to the back of his neck. Neville opened his lips cautiously, but lost reserve as Dean's tongue entered his mouth. They sat there kissing gently for a bit, with Ron watching neutrally, Seamus watching with a smirk on his face and Harry watching raptly. The kiss broke and Neville looked flushed, whilst Dean remained as cool as a cucumber.

Seamus looked over at Harry. "Your turn now, darlin'."

Harry instinctively blushed. He felt racing emotions that he had not experienced since kissing Cho in fifth year. He forced himself to relax. He knew that he didn't feel anything other than friendship with Seamus, but he was making his heart race. He tried to concentrate. It was no different, he told himself, to kissing the girls you didn't like, but he knew in his heart that it was much more. Seamus moved forward and initiated the kiss. Harry willingly opened his mouth, eager to experience the sensations. Seamus was a little surprised by the openness of Harry's kiss but quickly adapted, bringing his hands to play with Harry's hair and licking his way around Harry's mouth. Seamus was a good kisser; Harry could tell, and decided he really didn't mind this all that much. He was surprised at how easy it was for their bodies to fit together, so he wasn't going to complain about how unusual it felt. He carried on kissing with abandon, enjoying the feel of Seamus next to him. There was a cough from one of the other bed.

"Harry, put my boyfriend down now, or I'll get jealous."

The broke the kiss each grinning.

"Sorry, Dean," said Harry, sounding unrepentant, "I was just hoping to pass the test."

Seamus nodded, "He passed alright. You know Dean, if you ever decided that we need a third party one day, I definitely recommend him."

Harry blushed and Dean and Seamus smiled at each other, a secret smile, shared only between each other.

"Fourth round," said Ron, looking a little pissed off.

"Yes indeed," said Seamus.

"Visual stimulation," said Dean.

"What?" The chorus came from Harry and Neville.

"Basically, you have to watch people kissing and decide what turns you on."

Dean and Seamus grinned at each other, before Seamus threw himself at Dean and they started kissing madly. Dean was pushed back onto the bed and Seamus pinned him to the duvet. There was a moan from one party, before Seamus started on Dean's neck and running his hands under Dean's t-shirt. Dean moaned and started to unbuckle Seamus' trousers as Seamus licked his chest.

"Guys? Guys! GUYS!"

Dean and Seamus broke away and looked at Ron innocently.

"What's the matter? We were just demonstrating for the benefit of the audience." Seamus was fooling no-one.

"We may have got a little carried away," acknowledged Dean.

Harry took in the faces of the boys. Dean and Seamus looked relaxed and at ease. Ron looked a little annoyed, and kept looking over for Harry's reaction. Neville looked uncomfortable. Harry was fairly certain that Neville was deciding that he was straight. Harry himself however was taken away by the passion of Dean and Seamus. He could definitely see in himself a desire to do that. Seamus was looking at Ron with a half smug, half concerned look. Harry was getting worried that Ron wasn't taking this questioning of sexuality all that well. Dean however was looking at the reactions of Neville and Harry. He nodded to himself before walking over and unlocking the door. He motioned for people to follow him.

The troop of boys wandered down the stairs to the common room. The stood at the foot of the stairs and watched as Lavender and Joshua devoured each other's mouths on one of the sofa's.

"Couple 2," whispered Dean.

They watched them silently for a bit. Neville was looking at them, quite contentedly. Harry, however, was not thrilled. He'd seen boys kiss girls before, and this was nothing special. They seemed very into each other, and from the noises he'd have said they were enjoying themselves, but he wasn't getting anything from it.

They sat down on the stairs and Ron passed the Marauders' Map to Dean.

"Hey! How did you get that?" Harry knew he'd left the map locked in his chest at the foot of his bed.

Ron winked, "Mundungus has been teaching me how to break and enter. He says that I'm the best pupil he's got."

Dean looked at the map, "We need to go to the library."

"What's at the library?"

Seamus tapped his nose at Neville, to indicate secrecy, "Couple three."

The library was virtually empty. It was a Saturday, and although everyone would be working here tomorrow, most people were on a trip to Hogsmeade. Even the first and second years had left. They were taking part in a boating competition on the lake, enjoying the last of the sunshine before autumn set in. Dean motioned them to follow him as he rounded a corner; effectively secreting them into a section of the library that no-one could see. There, sat at the table, were two girls studying.

"Pansy, Millicent."

The two girls looked up, surprised at the interruption. Seamus smiled as Dean carried on talking.

"Would you do us a favour, and kiss?"

They looked at each other, before looking back at Dean.

"Who are you outing?"

Dean motioned at Harry and Neville. Pansy looked surprised.

"Potter?"

Harry blushed and nodded, smiling wryly. Millicent laughed.

"Wait until Draco hears this."

Dean glared, "Mil', no. You know the rules. Not until he's decided."

Millicent smiled and nodded, but Harry noticed the smirk between Pansy and Seamus.

The girls looked at each other. "You know the rules boys, we don't les-up until we've got solemn oaths from all of you that you won't pass on the information that we're gay."

Every boy swore, knowing that the girls had every right to break their wands if the boys broke the oath. Even writing it down would be enough for them to get into trouble.

Pansy smiled at Millicent and brought her hand up to stroke her cheek. She slowly moved her seat closer whilst their lips grew nearer. They sat there kissing, stroking hands over faces, playing with each others hair, licking each others lips, moaning at the sensation. Pansy moved off her chair and into Millicent's lap, bringing her hands to move under her blouse to massage her breasts. Millicent groaned and started to trace circles on Pansy's thigh's. Harry chanced a look at the other boys. Neville and Ron were not blinking, whereas Dean was leaning on Seamus and they were watching with a vaguely amused air.

"I think we'd better leave these two to it," said Dean.

"But..."

"No "but"'s Ron, let's go."

They walked away and Harry distinctly saw a disappointed look on Neville's face. There was an equally thwarted look on Ron's. Harry however felt a sort of delight. He couldn't understand it. He really liked seeing them kiss. It felt good, not sexy, but good. Was he bi? Or was he just messed up?

They walked back to their dorms in silence, each keeping their thoughts to themselves. Once they had sat down, Neville started.

"I didn't know there were any lesbians in Hogwarts."

"And that's how it stay's," warned Dean, "they are only out in certain circles, and if their parents find out, then they'll have serious problems. Understand?"

Ron, Neville and Harry nodded.

"So, let's talk." Seamus actually looked serious for once.

"Neville, I don't know what you think, but from what I've seen of you today, I'd say that you're straight."

Neville nodded, "I don't think that guys are my type. Sorry."

Seamus and Dean nodded, smiling.

"Harry. I hate to break this to you, but I don't think you and girls are going to work out. You are as gay as a picnic in Brighton on gayday."

Harry nodded, "I think you're right. This is going to take some getting used to, but I think it's safe to say that I'm gay."

Dean and Seamus grinned.

"As gay as a Graham Norton stand up act."

"As gay as a George Michael song."

"As gay as a Queer as Folk episode."

"As gay as Seamus."

"As gay as..."

"Shut up. Alright we get the message that he's gay, guys. Give it a rest."

Ron was really pissed off, and Harry was getting scared that Ron was going to get really uncomfortable around him. He hadn't considered that it might be a problem for Ron. Since living with Dean and Seamus, it had never been an issue before. Seamus saw Ron's mood, and Harry's reaction to it, and tried to diffuse the situation.

"Ron relax, you're upsetting Harry. Harry, calm down, he's not angry that you're gay."

Ron looked astonished. "You think I'd be angry about that. Hello? I live with these guys and I have two gay brothers. Why on earth would I have a problem with it?"

"Well, I don't know, you just looked a little... annoyed."

Seamus grinned. "Allow me to demonstrate why. Alright guys, pay up."

Dean and Ron sighed and pulled their money bags out of their trunks. As Neville and Harry looked in astonishment, the two boys counted out ten galleons each and gave them to Seamus.

"You had a bet on this?" Neville was astounded.

Seamus nodded. "Ron thought Harry was straight and you were gay..."

"...whilst I thought you were both straight," said Dean wryly, "Show's how much I know, I should know better by now. Seamus Finnegan, the most reliable Gaydar in the history of the world."

Harry laughed. Ron, however, smiled and shook his head.

"Neville, I think we'd better leave these three to have gay-guy talk. We don't have to be here for that. I've just thought of the perfect girl for you. Come on." Ron grabbed Neville's sleeve and virtually dragged him down the stairs, closing the door with a thump.

Dean and Seamus moved to sit on Harry's bed.

"Harry, no matter what is ever said about you, you're normal. It's perfectly natural to be this way so ignore them all. The people that really matter will always accept you."

Harry nodded at Dean, before turning to Seamus.

"How long have you known I was gay?"

Seamus smiled.

"How long have we known each other?"

Harry looked at him in disbelief.

"I've always known Harry, just like I've always known Neville was straight and Dean was bi. I'm very good at what I do."

Harry looked at Dean. "You're Bi? But I thought..."

"You've got to think of these things as a spectrum. If you think everything is black or white, straight or gay, then you're no better than Them. I'm bi, technically. But I'm happier with men than women. Everybody is different, everybody is an individual. Just do your own thing and go with the flow."

"Is that why I liked to watch Pansy and Millicent kiss?"

"No, that was because you were coming out."

"What?"

Seamus took over.

"You liked seeing them together because it was a break away from society's rules. In your mind you associate heterosexuality with the right way of doing things, but to see two lesbians kissing, and enjoying themselves, was like giving you permission to do your own thing, and enjoy that. It was a way of your femininity being let out without you actually having to demonstrate it."

Harry looked astonished. "You've thought about this a lot, I can tell."

"I had to explain to Dean."

"So who were your visual stimuli?"

"Ron and Hermione. Cho and... wait I can't tell you. I swore."

Harry through a pillow at him. "You can't stop there. I'm going to die of curiosity now. Cho? And who? I thought Cho was straight."

"She was experimenting. It didn't end well."

"So how did you find out about Pansy and Millicent?"

"We all hang around with each other. All of us. It doesn't matter if you're gay, lesbian, bi. We all stick together in this school, and we don't talk about anything that goes on, with the straight people."

Harry nodded.

"Those poor girls," said Seamus shaking his head, "The closest they can get to being gay is being a lesbian. You have to pity them."

Harry and Dean laughed. Seamus grinned.

"They're really great girls, don't get me wrong, but I can't help feeling that they're only with each other because they can't be one of us."

"Perhaps they think you're only gay because you can't be a lesbian."

"Harry! How could you? Me? A lesbian? How can you even think that?"

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," murmured Dean. Seamus hit him over the head with a pillow.

"Wait a minute. Which gay couple did you watch?"

Dean smiled. "They weren't a couple. They just did it to demonstrate."

"Who?"

Seamus grinned. "Me and Draco."

"What?!"

Harry sat, open mouthed in astonishment.

"Yeah, but that was the only time we've ever done anything. He's totally caught up in only one person, always has been."

"Who?" Harry wasn't entirely sure he wanted to hear this. He wasn't prepared to admit anything, but the reason he'd started questioning his sexuality was a certain devastatingly handsome blond, with a pouty lip that was just begging to be sucked.

"You of course. You dimwit."

"What?" Now Harry felt as though his world had just been turned upside down. Draco liked him? But Draco hated him. And he always had.

"And everyone knows that you like him."

"What?"

"Harry, close your mouth. You never know who's around to take advantage," chastised Dean.

"Well, if everyone meant me and Pansy," amended Seamus.

Harry just looked at him, blankly. All coherent thought had left with Ron, clearly.

Dean waved his hand in front of Harry's face to see if he would blink.

"Harry if you go downstairs right now, I can assure you that Draco Malfoy is waiting just outside the entrance to the common room."

Harry remembered the silent interaction between Seamus and Pansy earlier.

"You told him I was gay?"

"Didn't have to, mate. Pansy's almost as good as me at this. And she's had to live with him moping about you for years. Trust me, she'll have told him."

Harry stared at the two boys on his bed for a minute before running out of the room.

Dean looked at Seamus.

"Well that went well."

Seamus nodded. Dean frowned slightly.

"You don't think you over did it?"

"I couldn't lose him to the breeders now could I?"

Dean nodded. Seamus was looking forward to a demonstration between two very good kissers in the near future, but now he was more interested in his boyfriend, who was, rather endearingly, moving his hand down the front of Seamus' trousers.

Harry flew down the stairs and slammed open the portrait. He froze. There, leaning on the wall, was Draco Malfoy, biting his lip in worry. He turned to look at Harry, but had no chance to say anything as Harry ran to him and kissed him deeply. Draco sighed and wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, kissing his lips, opening his own to allow his tongue to move against Harry's. Harry had his fingers in Draco's hair, grabbing hold of it and running it over his hands. He was pushing Draco against the wall and rubbing up against him, trying to get as close as he could. Draco's hands were just making their way under Harry's shirt, when he broke away.

"Oh god, I'm sorry. I just...I can't." He started to move away, but Draco grabbed his arm.

"Harry. Shhhh. It's alright. This is the first time you've done this isn't it?"

Harry blushed and looked at the floor. "I kissed Seamus before."

"That doesn't count."

Harry bit his lips. He nodded and closed his eyes. Draco let go of his sleeve and put his hand in Harry's. Harry opened his eyes in surprise.

"Harry, there's more to being gay than just sex. I want to be with you. I'll do whatever it takes, and we can go as slow or as fast as you like."

Harry smiled nervously and Draco kissed his cheek.

"So did you know I was gay, like Seamus, or were you just hoping?"

Draco smiled, "Harry the whole world knows you're gay."

Harry blushed again and Draco grinned.

"Come on. Let's go back to my common room. Millicent owes me ten galleons."

Harry glared, "I wish people would stop betting on my sexuality."

"There wouldn't be much point anymore, would there?"

Harry laughed. "From now on, I will trust Seamus when it comes to everybody and sex."

Draco nodded.

"He is, after all, the ultimate Gaydar."