A Song of Slash is a Gay Song

Oh listen to the song I sing

Come listen, one and all

I sing a song of wondrous things

That will, no doubt, enthral

I take you on a trip through time,

Through a web of lust and lies

If you thought you had heard it all

You're in for a surprise

Way back, ten hundred years ago

A thousand years or more

The greatest wizards of the land

Were Slytherin and Gryffindor

The world had never seen a case

Of such deep and true friendship

You might say in modern lingo

They were attached at the hip

Their friendship grew and grew each day

And one day became much more

When they ended up making passionate love

Right here, on the Great Hall floor

But while Salazar thought it was true love

Godric thought it but a fling

For he loved Bret, the muggleborn

A pretty, dainty thing

When he was told of his mistake

Poor Sal, he was struck dumb

And he, in his rage filled grief

Declared all muggleborn were scum

He took his new hatred so far

He fell out with the other three

And as the people say the rest

Is much repeated history

I hope that I do not offend

For I do not mean to squick

If so I would have told the tale

Of Peevsey and Sir Nick

The Baron got all bloody

From a fast and furious fight

That lasted all the whole day through

And half the summer night

He fought to defend the honour

Of his beloved, a young boy

Whose beauty was so great he was

Called a male Helen of Troy

A duel to the death they said

And to the death it was

For of the Baron all that was left

Was a bloodstained carcass

The fair young boy, he wept

To see his lover slain

So intense was his misery

It drove him quite insane

And where, you ask, is the youth

Who suffered this sad plight?

Why you can see him on the seventh floor -

Sir Cadogan, the worthy knight

We come now to more modern times

And tales of people who still live

I have many more tales to tell

I've so much more to give

Dumbledore, the headmaster

The man we love so well

Was once upon a time in love

With Nicholas Flamel

Of course that was before Dippet

Whose face was red and bald

And lets not forget the ill fated fling

That he had with Grindewald

The beloved Professor Flitwick

So tiny and so small.

How does he carry on with Hagrid

Who is so vast and tall?

If we are talking of professors

We must not leave out Snape

Ah yes, he too has loved and lost

There is no need to gape

For many years he carried a torch

For his rival Sirius Black

But now alas the man is dead

And is never coming back

His love never was returned,

For the fugitive famous

Was involved with one of his best friends

The sweet werewolf Remus

And our caretaker, Argus Filtch

So bitter and so broody

Was once enamoured of the man

Known as Mad-Eye Moody

The Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.

Be sure I can avouch

For the lurid episode of desire

He had with Barty Crouch.

Lets skip ahead, to newer times

And newer generations

To hear about more happy things

And times of celebrations

The rivalry of the two households

Of Weasley and Malfoy

Have recently come to an and

Is that not a cause for joy?

The nuptials of Ron and Draco

Did these happy changes bring

But whether their parents will come round

Is another thing

And while we speak of Weasley's

I mention Percy as I should

For he's happily in a threesome

With Quidditch stars Flint and Wood.

And now as I am almost done

I sing of the last but not the least

Without which we all would not be here

At this most sumptuous feast

You all must know of Voldemort

That vile and vicious rotter

And of course The Boy Who Lived

The noble Harry Potter

The two once met in battle

To end it once and all

And Potter cast a deadly curse

And Voldemort did fall

But what was this? Where he did fall

A young boy did arise

The curse had not killed Voldemort

Potter saw to his surprise

But turned him back to who he was

Three score years or so

The boy, Tommy Riddle

Who he had been so long ago

Everyone deserves a second chance

Even one so cruel

But e'en as Potter said this

Others called him a fool

But the golden boy took it on himself

To remould his adversary

And show him how to love the world

And not to be contrary

And so in the course of time

The prophesy came true

Potter did kill Voldemort

And made somebody new.

And while young Thomas found himself

He found Harry too,

And in each other they did find

A love so pure and true

The war was over for ever more

To never start again

And no more blood and tears and sweat

And no more hurt and pain

Last year our happy pair were wed

Among much bliss and laughter

And I'm sure you all will hope that they

Live happily ever after

So now my song comes to an end

Please all remember that

What ever goes on in the wizarding world

Is known by the Sorting Hat

No matter how well you cover your tracks

I'm sure you will agree

You can hide a secret from everyone

Of course except from me

What song will I sing next year?

Why nobody can tell

So that's something to think about

As I bid you all farewell.