No One Will Ever Know

Hermione slumped over her cauldron in Potions one dreary, grey Thursday afternoon. She was particularly good in the class, despite Snape's detest for her, but Snape was in a rather nasty mood, so the day's assignment was particularly difficult. She assumed it was because Valentine's Day was on Monday. They were to create an antidote for a love potion, in case there were victims of the desire poison the following week.

Poor Neville Longbottom was especially having a hard time- Potions was his worst subject. He was ever fearful of having an accident, for Snape had warned the class that the fumes of the potion would only result in lust, and not in love. To cause love, one would only drink the potion, but if it were smelt, one would be running amok in search of someone to relieve himself or herself with.

This unfortunately became the fate of young Neville Longbottom. His toad, Trevor, went flying out of his pocket and landed on top of the bottles of love potion that Snape had displayed at the front of the classroom. They all fell over and the clink of glass filled the ears of everyone. "Uh oh," Neville thought. He was standing at the front of the room, attempting to shove the toad back into his pocket. He was the first to receive the affects of the potion. He bolted back to his seat as Snape attempted to grab at him with his long, greasy fingers.

Neville, miraculously, was able to sneak out of the classroom. The rest of the students were coughing from the large cloud of rising, purple smoke filled the room. Neville spotted Colin Creevey running down the hallway, apparently very late for class. Colin Creevey was soon to find out just how long his bottom was...

"No one will ever know..." Neville muttered to Colin.

They raced back to the Gryffindor common room- Colin also under the spell of the potion, for Neville's robes reeked of its heavy scent. They both had forgotten the password. Driven with passion, they got to business in front of the Fat Lady's portrait.

"Get a room!" the Fat Lady spat with disgust. She left the two alone as she fled her portrait to visit those of her friends.

Dumbledore chuckled to himself from one of the portrait holes. He saw a cat wandering around the corridors- but this one was not Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat.

"Professor!" McGongall transfigured back into human form behind a wall. She was extremely shocked at watching Dumbledore watching the two students committing in dangerous liaisons.

"Shh!" he murmured, putting a finger to his lips. "I swear I'm not into voyeur."

"What would happen if the students found out that you, the greatest sorcerer in the world, had dirty little secrets such as these?"

"I have the perfect solution!" Dumbledore said brightly.

McGongall raised an eyebrow.

"Blackmail," he said calmly. "No one will ever know."

Professor McGongall gasped as the dark waters of ecstasy engulfed her.

Peeves giggled at the sight of the two professors getting down and dirty in the dark corners of the hallway. He too got a big whiff of the potion. Invisibly he flew at the speed of a bullet down to the Great Hall, where he encountered The-Boy-Who-Lived.

"I've got a pickle, I've got a pickle, I've got a pickle, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Peeves screamed at the top of his lungs. Poor Harry Potter was his victim, as he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the pickle went flying up his backside. He threw a banana straight into his mouth. Harry gagged. Peeves eyes grew wide at how far Harry got the banana down his throat. A run-by-fruiting!

"No one's got to know, Potty, Wee Potty!" Harry choked on the banana and pulled both objects out of him and threw them back at Peeves. The poltergeist continued bouncing down the hallway, cackling with glee, where he came across Moaning Myrtle, the ghost who haunted the girls' bathroom, crying, as usual.

Peeves thought it was about time that girl had fun, and she surely lived up to her name by the time Peeves was through with her. Who would have thought that Peeves actually had a passionate side?

As they were breathing heavily in the girls' bathroom, Peeves whispered to Myrtle, "No one will ever know."

Hermione Granger happened to be in that bathroom a bit startled to find the two ghostly figures playing a game of tongue twister.

As she left the bathroom, she ran into Pansy Parkinson, who jumped on top of her. Hermione got her first real taste of lustful engagements then...

"No one will ever know..." Pansy whispered to Hermione from behind the one-eyed hump-backed witch.

Draco Malfoy walked down that hallway and witnessed the two squealing with delight. He shook his head and continued down the stairwell.

Draco slumped in his seat at the Slytherin Table. He too had witnessed very unlikely pairings stroking salami and playing with melons in the hallways. This included the two redheaded kings of mischief, Fred and George Weasley, who were engaged in a game of "Who's Better in Bed" with their sister, Ginny Weasley. Draco shuddered his head in protest, but at the same time, he couldn't blame them. Ginny had grown up and was very...well...hot. He figured that the two brothers caught their girlfriends in bed with one another, and they couldn't think of anyone else better to shag.

Draco cupped his hands under his chin, sighing. How could he, the most pompous, best-looking chap in the school be the only one not involved in cunning linguistics and enjoying the great picnic the school had set up?

"Where's Hagrid?" Madam Sprout asked herself as encountered the massive school orgy in the Great Hall. She let out a scream as an arm (which turned out to be Neville's) pulled her, as an undertow, into the great sea of lust.

Outside in his hut, Hagrid indeed was busy himself. He could see from his window the excitement filling the hallways.

"Oh Fang...Oh Fang... No one will ever know."

Outside in the lake, the Giant Squid let out a hearty laugh.