Oh, Dear Christ!

“Get over it! All I did was take the Mt. Dew!” Harry heard Colin Creevey yell.

Harry Potter looked up, noticing he wasn’t in his bed in the Gryffindor Boys’ Dorm anymore; he was in a very old classroom that looked like the one that was in his Elementary school, before he went to Hogwarts. Where am I?

“Give me one Creevey!” Tracy Davis screamed at Colin.

Collin smiled wickedly and shook a can under his desk before opening it and spraying it at Tracy. She looked ready to kill before she slammed the desk she was at to the ground and ran toward Colin, but that little mousy boy was too fast; he picked up the 24 pack of Mountain Dew and ran away from her.

Harry looked across from him and saw Dennis Creevey sitting in the next desk talking to Daphne Greengrass, who was looking very annoyed.

Then the classroom door opened with a ding and in stepped Draco Malfoy, making a big scene. Daphne Greengrass turned her head, along with Blaise Zabini, and Mandy Brocklehurst. They looked dazed and in awe as Malfoy took off his jacket. Oh god, he’s making a scene, he’s so annoying!

Harry rolled his eyes and looked to the left of him, noticing that Ron was sleeping in the next desk with a unicycle tucked protectively under his arm. Harry reached over and shook Ron, but he didn’t stir. Ron was always a heavy sleeper. He shrugged and saw Malfoy was coming over to him. Great, just great. Prepare for the torment!

“So joining us on the trip are you?” he asked sitting down to the right of him, in the spot that Collin once sat.

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed. “Trip?” he asked.

“Yes, a 800 mile hike through the desert to a cave on the ocean side, but of course you know what’s in store,” Malfoy said smiling.

Oh no! He’s showing his teeth!

Harry looked wide eyed at his smile. “What’s in store again?”

“The Gold of the pirate Captain Jack Snitchelfragen, of course!” Draco said excited.

Jack what?

Malfoy glanced at his watch and smiled wider. “Well, it is time to go so let’s floo!” he yelled to everyone, causing much excitement. “But first we must go to the nearest Burger King to eat. We have to get some food before we go!”

Burger King? Since when did Malfoy start liking Muggle fast food joints?

The classroom erupted in cheers and all of the people started to run out of the door. Whatever. Harry followed the group and saw that they were getting into wheelchairs that were parked in the parking lot. Wheelchairs?!? He watched Ron go by on the unicycle (going mach 90) still asleep, Okay, I didn’t know that Ron was that heavy of a sleeper! Then he noticed that a wheelchair had his name on it so he went over to it and got in. Wow, my own Wheelchair, this dream can’t get any weirder.

Harry wheeled himself with the group and they went down a hill. He thought he was going to crash, but didn’t. He followed the group to the drive through and turned to the intercom. “Welcome to Burger King. Would you like a delicious smoothie?”

I don’t have any money, but a smoothie sounds very good right now.

Harry looked at the menu and checked his pockets noticing that he did have money! Muggle money? Wow! He counted it and ordered a number three with fries and a coke (he decided that he wanted that instead of a smoothie), along with an apple pie.

“Thank you, pull up to window three!” the intercom said happily.

Harry pulled up and paid before receiving his order and followed the group to a parking lot. He parked by Ron, who was still asleep on his unicycle and he was drinking a frozen coke. Ron is being a little weird, maybe he’ll wake up now. He shook Ron but he didn’t wake, so Harry drove up and parked his wheelchair by Dennis Creevey, who seemed to have ditched the wheelchair for a desk on wheels. The desk had its lid open and he was talking to Mandy Brocklehurst. Interesting...

“Hello, Dennis,” Harry said as he pulled up and started to eat his order of number three, fries, coke and an apple pie.

“Wazzup Dog!” Dennis exclaimed wildly.

American Slang?

Mandy nodded, grinning like a Cabbage Patch doll. “Yep, yep. Wazzup is the proper phrase for you. So how are you doin’ dog?” she said adapting to the slang.

What are they on?

Harry looked at them. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, we are doin’ fine dog. Have you seen the new episode of ‘The Hunter’ lately?” Dennis asked.

What in the world is ‘The Hunter’?

Harry shook his head, confused.

Mandy shook her head in disapproval. “Too bad, last episode Richard Simmons attacked a squirrel with a shovel and Albus Dumbledore ended up harpooning eight deer and a Snape, but Hermione Granger needs to learn how to use a fly swatter; she only ended up bagging six fish.”

Dumbledore harpooned Snape? Hermione? Hunting fish with a fly swatter? Seriously, what are these people on?

Harry wanted to laugh but didn’t because they seemed serious about it. He shrugged as they continued eating their Burger King meals.

“Yeah, next week I heard Voldemort is going to use a shotgun on soap scum in a bath tub and Lucius Malfoy is going to do a demonstration on how to kill rats with nothing but a nail clipper in Azkaban!” Dennis said excited.

Wait? Voldemort and soap scum? Lucius and rats?

“Really? I heard that he was going to use a hedge clippers,” Mandy said through a mouthful of her Burger King Big Kid’s Meal.

Ewww!

“No, that is what Minerva McGonagall is going to use on flies in the episode after next, in the same one where the Patil twins battle for library access through a mound of pork with a 2x4 pine wood board,” Dennis said smiling.

Padma and Parvati?

Mandy nodded and smiled like a maniac. Harry looked at them like they were crazy. “And when is this on?” he asked.

“Well, it’s on after Wrestling. I am definitely going to watch that because Atkins diet representatives are going to do a cage battle with Jabba the Hutt,” Mandy said still smiling with pickle stuck in her teeth.

Harry looked wide eyed at her. This is a weird dream. He reached over and pinched himself only to reward himself with a welt because he pinched too hard.

After everyone was done with there meals Draco stood up on his wheelchair. “Ladies, gentlemen, and Dennis Creevey, who seems to be a part of an unknown species.”

Dennis held up his fist. “I am not! I am a gentleman!”

“That’s not what it says on your application,” Draco replied.

Dennis rolled his eyes. “I was drunk at the time! So what?”

Harry sighed. Dennis Creevey is different, are you sure this isn’t a dream? he pinched himself again. Ouch!! Nope. Not a dream.

“Okay Creevey, whatever,” Draco said then turned to the crowd. “Anyway, we will start our journey in just a minute here. Now everyone, come up here and get the Floo powder!”

Harry got up from his wheelchair and got some floo powder, before sitting back down and waiting for instructions..

Draco smiled and nodded. “Okay now that everyone has their floo powder, all we need to do is stand up and shout ‘Snitchelfragen’ and you’ll be there.”

Harry stood up from the wheel chair still confused as ever. He didn’t know how the floo powder was going to work without a fireplace but he complied to the directions given. “Snitchelfragen!” he shouted and landed with a dull thump on a mound of sand.

He looked around and noticed they were not at Burger King anymore; they were in a desert. He looked to his right and saw that Dennis Creevey must have tried Flooing in his desk and it ended up getting the lid stuck to the body of the desk and he couldn’t get out. Well that gets him to shut up for a while.

Harry sighed and looked to his left, noticing that Ron still had his unicycle, was still sleeping and now he was riding on a camel! Okay, I’m ready to wake up now!

Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass landed right in front of him.

“I swear he must be related to Aaron Carter, just look at him!” Daphne exclaimed to Blaise.

She rolled her eyes. “Daphne, you stupid git. He’s Draco Malfoy, and he’s not related to Aaron Carter at all!”

Malfoy? Aaron Carter? What in the hell?!

“Eminem?” Daphne asked.

Blaise sighed. “No, now stop talking about Draco so we can get someone to set up the tent we brought!” she exclaimed happily as Mandy landed by her.

“You brought a tent?” Mandy asked.

“Yes, we do need some place to sleep, or are we traveling the whole eight hundred miles through the desert without sleeping?!?” Blaise asked.

“Well, I didn’t think about sleep. I more likely thought about being on the same trip with the hottie Draco,” Mandy said smiling.

What is up with the Malfoy talk?

Blaise sighed. “Yeah you and almost every girl here. Now let's get someone to set this up. Maybe Ron will do it,” she said as the three got up.

All the girls and Malfoy? What about me?

Harry got up and walked over to Malfoy. “So, this is the place?” he asked.

Draco turned to him flashing a smile at the girls who were talking to Ron, who was still on top of the camel. “Of course this is the place, all we do is have to wait for Tracy Davis and Collin Creevey, who should be here in a few seconds,” he said looking at his watch.

Harry heard two thumps behind him and a clanging noise. “Creevey, I want that fricken Mountain Dew!!” Tracy screamed.

Collin smiled crazily and started running. Harry turned back to Draco. “So, are we going to get on with this trip?” he asked.

Draco nodded. “Yep, all I do is have to use this twine string,” he held up some green twine string, “to hook up Dennis’ desk to the back of the camel.”

Okay, twine string?

Harry nodded slowly and watched what the people were doing. Blaise was talking to Daphne and Mandy, Ron was still asleep, and Tracy was still chasing Colin, who still was holding the 24 pack of Mountain Dew.

I have got to be dreaming! People never act like this! Normal people that is!

Draco stood on top of the desk. “Great, now that we have successfully completed the Flooing,” he paused and looked down at the desk. “Well, some of us. Anyway, we will be starting our journey to Jack Snitchelfragen’s cave. Now, to avoid a repeat of the '89 journey, we have to remember that the wildlife aren’t stuffed animals to hug. Got it?”

The group nodded and allowed him to continue. He smiled and threw up his hands. “Let’s get going!!”

The group cheered and followed Draco Malfoy through the desert. Harry thought that they were the craziest people that he ever met to travel through the desert for eight hundred miles. He sighed and followed behind the desk (that was being dragged by the camel, which Ron was on top of clutching his unicycle with his right arm).

Colin and Tracy were zigzagging behind the group, Tracy still threatening to kill Colin if she didn’t get a can of Mountain Dew.

Why the Mountain Dew?

“Harry what do you think?” Daphne Greengrass asked him. “Do you think Draco looks more like Eminem or Aaron Carter?”

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed as Mandy joined the conversation. “See! They must be related to him! What do you think?”

I think he’s a prat!

“I think that you guys are the thickest people that I have ever met!” Blaise Zabini said as she hopped on the desk making Dennis Creevey yelp. She looked down at the desk. “Shut up! You're the one that tried to Floo the stupid thing! It’s your fault!”

Dennis Creevey’s voice was muffled. “Blaise, I have to pee!”

Blaise rolled her eyes and looked up at them. “Who cares. I honestly think that Draco is a clone of Gilderoy Lockhart because he smiles all the time. Did you catch him on ‘Gaming’ Friday?”

The sure do watch a lot of television…

Mandy nodded. “What do you think Harry?” she asked.

Harry sighed. “I honestly think that he’s on some kind of drug.”

Daphne gave a small giggle. “Duh, ever since he’s found a way to breed Cannabis with Cocoa beans…. but that’s not the point.”

“I think that he kind of resembles an albino ferret,” Harry said hiding his laughter as he thought of the time that Moody turned him into one.

Blaise smiled widely. “Albino ferret…. hmmmm….” she looked at Draco, who was applying purple sunscreen to the camel's face and yelling at Ron to get up from his nap. “I can see the resemblance…”

The trip didn’t get any better because once sundown hit Draco and Blaise started to set up camp. The tent was put together, but not very well because they were missing the rods to make the tent sit up straight. They ended up hoisting it up with some twine string and a nearby tree (Draco called it a nearby tree, but really it was nearly a mile away from the place where they were going to originally set up the tent).

Dennis Creevey never got out of his desk and Daphne made it worse by making sounds of running water with her mouth every time she walked by him. Harry watched as Tracy sat down next to the fire, glaring at Colin who was still clutching his 24 pack to his chest with a look that just screamed ‘Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!’

He rubbed his head as he thought of the progress of the trip so far. Mandy Brocklehurst named the camel Jerry and every time that Draco would call out the amount of miles traveled she would burp and break out into a fit of laughter, sounding like a distressed hyena. Harry was sick and tired of hearing that every fifteen minutes when they hit the next mile.

Ron was sleeping with his head dangerously close to the fire. If you squinted you couldn’t tell the difference between his hair and the fire. Mandy was slowly starting to bury Ron by scooping the sand and dumping it over him. The desk that Dennis was in started jumping up and down which meant either Dennis was trying to get out or he was going crazy. Draco and Blaise were betting on how long it was going to take him to get out of the desk.

“Well, I think his bladder will burst first but put me down for two number threes at Burger King that he will get out by sundown tomorrow,” she said passing the nail clippers that she was previously clipping her fingernails with to Draco.

He took them and started to groom his nails. “I say by dawn, and put me down for two number threes, an apple pie and eight frozen cokes.”

“Ohhh… you drive a hard bargain, but it sounds good--deal!” she said holding out her hand. Draco paused from grooming his nails to shake her hand before continuing once more.

Harry heard something move behind him and turned around seeing a shadow walking towards him. Daphne looked at him. “What is it?”

No clue…

Harry shrugged and pointed at the shadow. Daphne shrieked. “Draco! Someone’s following us!”

Draco jumped up from his seat, brandishing the nail clippers. “Where is he?”

Daphne pointed at the shadow that was closer than before.

Draco walked forward and the shadow came into view. All Harry could see was a lot of hair and a pair of sunglasses. Are we being ambushed by Cousin It?

“Cousin It?” Harry asked as the stranger walked up to him.

The stranger took off his… um, its glasses. “I am not Cousin it!” it yelled. Harry thought that it sounded sort of like Hermione.

Draco gasped. “It’s a talking bush!”

The talking bush/Cousin It/Hermione? turned to Draco. “Shut up Malfoy! I don’t even fricken know how I bloody well got here! I don’t need your pathetic jokes!”

Harry reached forward and pulled the hair away from its face. “Hermione?” he asked.

Finally someone whose brain isn’t completely crazy!

She looked up at him, surprised. “Harry?!” she asked. “Is this a dream, because the last thing that I remember was I was going to sleep in Gryffindor Tower?”

Harry looked at her. “You too? I thought I was going crazy!” he paused. “This is probably some sick joke or something…”

Maybe Voldemort…. but why this dream?

Blaise got up from were she was sitting. “I think both of you are crazy!” she said walking up to them. She laughed as soon as she looked at Hermione. “Granger, you do really look like a big bush…” she said before breaking out into more laughter.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “I know, Dumbledore told me when I passed him about six miles back. He was running this weird oasis stand with Seamus and his friends and they handed me a mirror, so I know what I bloody well look like,” she sighed. “It’s the heat.”

Dumbledore’s here?

Draco stepped in. “You mean the oasis stand called BONGO’S?”

Hermione nodded and Draco smiled. “Yes!” he exclaimed. “We are farther along than I thought 'cause that oasis is only fifty miles away from our destination!”

The group (excluding Harry and Hermione) went into an uproar of whoops and hollers. Even Ron jumped out of the sand pile that he was buried in. Hermione looked at them then at Harry. “Is Ron sleep walk--I mean, jumping?” Harry nodded. He was getting used to Ron being asleep.

The rest of the night the group sat around the fire explaining to Hermione about Jack Snitchelfragen’s treasure. Draco seemed to be the most excited about it and almost jumped into the fire as he explained.

The sleeping arrangements weren’t the best. They only had a one man tent and trying to fit all of them in there was mayhem. Colin slept outside as did Harry and Hermione. Ron draped himself ore the top of his unicycle that was stuck in the sand to stand up-right and Dennis Creevey was in his desk. How they fit the rest in the tent was a mystery. Harry drifted to sleep thinking that this was the craziest thing that has ever happened to him.

*

“YMCA! YMCA! YMCA!” Harry yawned wondering who was making the racket that woke him up.

Who in the hell is that?

“Put yo’ hands around yo’ mouth and holla’ out the Village Plumber!” Harry thought it sort of sounded like Seamus and opened his eyes.

He looked down and realized he was draped over Jerry’s (the camel’s) back. “Oh, Harry. Your finally awake! I’ve been trying to get you up for six miles!” Ron shouted at him.

How’d they get Ron up?

Harry sat up. “I thought you were asleep?”

“Asleep?” Ron gave him a look of confusion. “I never sleep. You have got to be kidding me?”

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Harry sighed. “You didn’t wake up all day yesterday!”

Ron rolled his eyes. “Come on, we’ve got to get some breakfast!”

Harry hopped off Jerry and followed Ron into a little hut that had a big smiley face painted on the side of it and the sign over the door said Bongo’s!!! Yes, and it did have three exclamation points. It looked bigger on the inside than it did on the outside. It was kind of like a pub, but it had couches and pillows everywhere.

Harry looked up at the bar seeing Dean, Seamus, and Neville on top of it dancing in weird costumes and singing something that sounded like YMCA…. but they were singing it horribly out of key.

Harry turned to Ron. “What in the world are they doing here?” he asked pointing to the trio on the bar.

Ron smiled. “They’re the Village Outcasts of course. See; Seamus is the Village Plumber; Dean is the Village Drunk; and Neville is the Village idiot. They got kicked out of the Village People because they said they weren’t any good, but I beg to differ.”

Harry rolled his eyes. What next? The Outcasts of Spice Girls? Is there a Caraway Spice? He sighed and sat down next to Draco and Hermione, who were currently passing around a piece of burning rolled up paper.

Harry smelled the air realizing that it was Marijuana. He watched Hermione take a drag and smile as she passed it to him. “That’s some good stuff…” she said blowing some smoke out of her mouth.

Hermione? Smoking weed? I thought she was normal?

Harry looked at it then passed it to Ron, who took a drag and passed it on. Draco turned to Hermione. “You think that was good?” he asked then hit the wall and a bong folded down out of it. “This is ten times better!”

Harry sighed and spotted Dumbledore coming out of a room behind the bar. I bet he’s normal… he got up and ran behind the bar. “Professor, help! I can’t get out of here!” he said relieved to see Dumbledore, but as soon as he turned around to face him. Harry sighed; not in relief.

Professor Dumbledore was wearing a rainbow turban and he had on the color purple with a medallion hanging from his neck. “What can I do for yas my main man?” he spoke in a Jamaican accent, and his dreadlocks swung with every movement he made as he talked.

Harry shook his head. “No thank you.” He turned around and sat by Hermione once more. “I don’t think we’re ever going to get out of here…”

Hermione giggled. “Don’t be serious, Harry. We’ll get out of here sooner or later, just calm down,” she said smiling dazedly and wobbling her head as she spoke.

“Loosen up,” Draco said starting up the bong.

“I thought we were looking for Jack - what ever his name is’ treasure?” he asked.

Draco shook his head. “Found it man….” he pointed to the bong. “Well, Seamus did last weekend…” he turned to Hermione. “You first, baby.”

Hermione put her mouth to the bong and disappeared with a pop as soon as she touched it. Harry stared at the bong with wide eyes. “Um is that supposed to happen?”

Draco shrugged. “Cool!” he turned back to Harry. “Next?” he asked pointing to the bong.

I wonder….

~~~~~~~~~~

“Harry! Ron, get up! We have a Quidditch match in three hours! We need to warm up!” Harry heard Alicia Spinet’s muffled voice and sat up.

He looked around noticing that he was back inside the boys’ sixth year dormitory. He sighed in relief and got out of bed when Alicia started to bang on the door. “All right! I’m up, keep your knickers on!”

Thank god! It was only a dream. He yawned and walked over to Ron’s bed to wake him up. “That’s some good shit!” Ron shouted as Harry shook him awake.

Harry jumped back in horror. “Huh?”

Ron shook his head and looked at him with glossy eyes and a funny grin. “Excellent….”

Neville crawled out of bed humming the YMCA under his breath as he got dressed and Harry’s eyes got wide. Maybe it’s just a coincidence….

~~~~~~~~~~

Somewhere in an Albanian forest…..

Voldemort and Bellatrix leaned over a fire. “What kind of incense did you put in here?” Bellatrix asked.

Voldemort shrugged. “No clue, I bought it from some bloke down the street and he said to burn it for a good time,” he paused. “Did you cast that spell on Harry Potter?”

Bellatrix nodded. “The nightmare spell? It had a few glitches. He woke up before I could fix it, but it will be back on track before tonight. I think I got a bit crazy, but you can’t help it when you're trying to burn nightshade for the spell and you light a fire and throw incense in it.” She closed her eyes slowly then opened them. “I’m a bit light headed…”

Voldemort paused. “Bella? I think this is Cannabis….”

The End… or is it?

~~~~~~~~~~