Dear Lord!

::southern accent:: Dear Lord! ::end southern accent::

By: Sativa Extract

~

"Yes, master. I have started to burn the nightshade for Harry Potter's spell. This time I'm hoping to get a nice effect would you like to ad anything?" Bellatrix asked the very evil (and I cannot stress on the evilness caused by him in his existence on this earth... and he wants to take over the galaxy! Dream on!) Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort surveyed the fire in which the nightshade was burning and hissed, "I hope you will cause me no mistakes this time, Bella, I can not afford another batch of nightshade. I spent it all on the cannabis."

"Don't be weary, I do know what I am doing. Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to go and purchase some more cannabis. I have to say that I likie very much so!" Bellatrix said stoking the fire with a nearby branch (since the fire was so large she had to pick up a very large branch for she would burn herself from the flames if she used a branch under ten feet.)

~

Harry Potter was very disturbed... very very disturbed... Not only were people around him humming the YMCA but also Malfoy seemed to be very relaxed and he swore that he smelled camel on Ron's robes. That was not all. Seamus had a sudden urge to fix toilets and Dean kept supplying everyone with firewhiskey during the Quidditch game (Gryffindor won of course because Malfoy got sunburn and went crying to his mummy.).

All of that was reason to scare anyone out of sleep. He debated if he wanted to sleep or stay up. To sleep or not to sleep... that is the question, weather tis nobler... wait, I don't want to turn into some freak like Hamlet he talks for five bleeding pages straight! Boy, is he long winded!

Yet he knew that Hermione was fixing on getting him up at the crack of dawn for homework since she was sooo obsessed about it and had to make sure that her friends (who quite frankly didn't give a rat's arse about the shite) had their homework done too or else she would have a hernia.

To sleep or not to sleep... I'll take the former for five points, Alex. Great, now I'm turning into a Jeopardy freak! Dudley should stop watching game show network during the summer... though 'The Hunter' sounds like something interesting to watch. I wouldn't mind seeing Snape being harpooned by Dumbledore. I think I would get rather a kick out of that.

He sighed and tried to drift into a rather seemingly, restful sleep.

~

"You know what? I think that you should stop chugging that Firewhisky, Dennis, erm--I don't think it's healthy for a person your size to have that much."

Harry opened his eyes. Damn! It's cold! He looked at his surroundings; it was very white and there was lot's of snow and a fire? In the snow? Next to an ice shack?

Lavender Brown was perched atop a carved pumpkin and stoking the fire with a harpoon. It was she who told Dennis to stop drinking the rather large (okay, it was half the size of his arm but that is rather large) bottle of firewhiskey.

Dennis took a swig and threw it aside. "I guess you're right..." He looked straight at the pumpkin. "Boy! You really know you're drunk when you want to fuck on of the holes."

Harry had to make sure that he was listening straight. Did thirteen-year-old Dennis just say he wanted to fuck one of the holes of the pumpkin? When I was thirteen I was just hoping that my crush would notice me... I wasn't into fucking inanimate objects at the time, though Seamus... you had to wonder why he spent all of his time in Hagrid's pumpkin patch... crazy little bastard.

Harry was broken out of his reverie by a loud squawking noise coming from the other side of the ice shack. Ron came barrelling around it holding a rather large penguin and a butcher knife. Ginny was chasing after him with a torch and Fred and George followed carrying very large forks and various spices. Daphne Greengrass was hot on their heels with a protest sign clearly stating on one side:

Save the Penguins! They are not fresh meat!

On the other side:

Honk if you can read this!

"If you ask me. Hunger runs in the family," Blaise said shaking her head. "I think Percy was trying to drill a hole in the ice with an ice auger for fish but do you think that he's going to get through? I mean, honestly, we are on the Arctic Ocean for Christ's sake! The ice is at least fifty feet thick and even if he gets through do you think he'll be able to come back to solid ground for the supplies. I really do think that the Weasley's are sniffing too much of that propane gas that Draco's burning for warmth."

Lavender shook her head. "I didn't know that penguins made that noise."

Harry faintly heard the crisp sound of an ice auger in the distance and then a fait squawking from behind a large drift of snow. Well, the penguin wasn't dead yet and now that they it was mentioned he was kind of hungry.

Tracy Davis came out of the ice shack looking rather huffy and took a seat on the over-turned red sled, right next to a pair of rather menacing looking rust hedge clippers and a weed whacker. She eyed the tools that looked as if they were ready to torture something to death but then sighed in a pathetic fashion. "You know," she said picking up the rusty hedge clippers. "I could threaten Colin to give me a can of frozen Mountain Dew but that mouse boy would probably run to the end of the earth like a chicken with his head cut off and fall over the edge and where would I be? Without Mountain Dew! Hell, it's just not worth it."

Colin was the next one to walk from the ice shack--he clutched the twenty-four pack of Mountain Dew to his chest and took a seat on a pink plastic lawn chair.

The smell of burnt chicken filled the air and it told them two things:

1. The penguin was dead.

2. Dinner was cooked.

The smell of chicken must have penetrated the walls of the ice shack because Malfoy (chapped lips to boot), Seamus (still clad in his plumber outfit), Hermione (now looking like a frozen Cousin It), Neville (wearing his knickers on the outside of his pants), Mandy Brocklehurst, (chained to a desk by ankles and wearing a blue wig), and last but not least, Dean (carrying a six pack and a big wrench). Wait, they have yet another follower. Theodore Nott (wearing cardboard box and only a cardboard box. Now haven't we all thought of a new meaning of thinking outside of the box?)

That wasn't a sight that Harry wanted to wee twice but yet had to endure it for the rest of this. Was this another dream? This had got to be a mistake. Something smells rather fishy about this and it's not the bucket of fish smelling water that the box-man himself is sitting on.

The sound of an ice auger came closer. It kind of reminded him of one of those slasher movies that Dudley took his pig-like girlfriends (or maybe they really were pigs in wigs) to the movies just to get them frightened.

Though he knew it was Percy, it really would freak him out if someone were chasing after him with an ice auger. That would make an excellent movie, though they better not call it Percy because honestly! A horror movie called Percy is not scary. Jason is a scary name but never Percy, you have got to be joking of you thought Percy was a very fear-inducing name.

The proud looking Weasley cooks barrelled through the snow bank led by Ginny carrying the platter of fresh-cooked penguin riding a lawnmower. She kept getting rear ended by a very mad looking Daphne Greengrass on a two seated bike.

Ron carried a very big spoon and Fred and George carried Daphne's sign now saying:

Screw the save the penguin act! Penguins are fresh cooked meat!

On the other side:

Honk! Honk!

The frozen Cousin It--erm, Hermione galloped across the snow and hugged Ron like there was no tomorrow, he even turned purple before George whacked her with the sign, making her let go of his dear brother who cooked the meal.

...

A flash of blinding light was all that Harry could see and he felt a sudden tug on his naval. Plunk. He landed on something very soft and he knew he was no longer in the cold of the Arctic anymore... or Kansas...

He was afraid to open his eyes yet he was eager to see where he landed. He hoped that it was his bed but he mustn't get his hopes up for he was most likely in a bread factory on the record hot dog bun but since he was hungry that wouldn't be a bad thing. Great! Now what am I to do? Try to sleep or continue! I have got to find that God damned portkey back to the dormitory! Last time it was a bong at Bongo's what next?

He opened on eye. It was a rather bright place. The sun was very hot and it seemed to be a field of grass he was in. He heard a tractor in the distance behind him and turned. How could anyone wear a thick black cloak in this heat and not die of heat stroke? Wait, something strikes familiar about that black cloak... Voldemort! On a tractor? Is that Bellatrix Lestrange in a mini skirt? For an old bitch she is damn hot! Thank god Dennis Creevey didn't follow me; he wouldn't be setting his mind on pumpkins anymore...

Snape scampered past him carrying a basket of clovers, his robes billowing in a very flamboyant way. His greasy hair flipped and flopped in the very same manner that his robes did--it actually looked like he was smiling but Harry thought that maybe the sun was getting to him.

"Good Lord! If it isn't Harry Potter! Whoooeey! I thought you were dead!" a country accent said from behind him. Harry turned around to see who was addressing him. Harry's eyes widened. Lucius Malfoy stood clad in a pair of overalls and a ten-gallon hat. A shotgun in his left hand and a pig cane in his right.

"Did you kill the rabbit Myrle?" Narcissa stepped out from behind a huge hay bail. Her blonde locks were pulled up into pigtails and freckles scattered across her face. She was wearing rather tight Jean shorts (held up by twine string) and green plaid shirt.

"Myrle?" Harry asked.

She looked at him. "Well, tan my hide! It's Harry Potter!"

Harry nodded. "I know my name, thanks but Myrle?" At least he still had an English accent.

Narcissa giggled and jerked her thumb towards Lucius. "We couldn't call him dumbass cuz mama said we were being mean so we gave him the name Myrle. I don't know why but my sister Ce-lawn came up with the name. His real name is Lucius, he was named after mama's cat that died because he fell in the outhouse toilet."

Harry wanted to burst out laughing but she seemed serious. "Okay then, so what's you're name?"

Narcissa giggled. "Dam-it. My sister said that papa gave me that nickname because I would run around and he would say 'come here dam-it!' but my real name is Narcissa. I named after my aunt who had gnarls in her hair and was a sissy so mama put them together and came up with my name. She say it's re-fined but I don't like it."

"Yo' Myrle dam-it! Who you got over there?" Harry turned to see who was talking; it sounded like Snape with a southern accent and tan his hide! It was!

Narcissa waved and gestured him to come over to them, which he did. "We got ourselves a regular Englishman, Selm!"

Harry once again tuned toward Narcissa. "Selm?"

Narcissa giggled... again! "Uh-huh. Selm, Ce-lawn came up wit that one. He sold chocolate when he was in the boy scouts but couldn't sell a one so we called Selm because he fed them to our goldfish named Jippy and Jippy's last words where Selm! His real name's Severus, mama say he was born in our knife shed and was named after the cutting action that papa was doing to the pig that he was butchering at the time of his birth."

"Who's Ce-lawn?" Harry asked.

"She's my other sister. She got her nickname when she was five and papa taught her how to work the lawnmower. She put the blade down too far and mowed a big ol' letter C into the lawn. It was completely dirt and never grew back so her name is always going to be Ce-lawn. She's real stupid though. Her real name is Bellatrix. Papa say that we had a cow name Tricia and one day she got loose, we thought that we were never goin' to find her again but then a farmer called and said that he hit our cow wit his tractor and gave us a bell as a sympo--sympathy gif'. C-lawn wears the bell around her neck so mama name her Bellatrix."

"Howdy!" Snape said, waving his hand in a rather excited fashion. "You're Harry Potter! I'll be hot damned!"

Narcissa whispered, "He's the edumacated (educated) one of the family."

"That's right, I only went for a few years but I figured it was enough for me! You have ta meet Ce-lawn! You'll like her! She can't find her way out of a bathtub without directions but she's right perdy (pretty) and I think you'll like her!" Snape said, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his robes.

Harry nodded and Lucius (Myrle), Narcissa (Dam-it), and Snape (Selm) led him over to the tractor. Bellatrix was sitting on Voldemort's lap and steering the tractor. Lucius flagged it down and they hopped off after shutting the tractor off.

"Hey kin!" Voldemort hollered. Harry couldn't believe it. His voice sounded very weird in a southern accent. "Well, smack me crazy! It's Harry Potter!"

Bellatrix laughed. "Of course it is, see the scar. Wasn't it a unfortunate encounter with a weed whackers?"

Harry shrugged. "No..."

"Oh, a rake then?"

Harry shook his head. "No."

"I knew it had to be a pitchfork!" Bellatrix said triumphantly.

Harry shrugged. I don't even know if I should tell them, that would ruin Voldemort's accent and I have to admit he is hilarious like this.

Narcissa stepped between them. "Harry, this is Carep." She gestured Voldemort.

"Carep?" Harry asked.

"Un-huh. Ce-lawn gave him this name because he's really keen on carrots and reptiles. He was dared to eat a snake and a carrot and he did it. Din cha, Carep?"

Voldemort nodded.

"See. His real name is Voldemort. Mama wanted a girl and wanted to name her Veronica but she had him and so that's where he gets the V at the beginning of his name but papa came up with the rest. See, papa had an old wart on his toe and my uncle Emmya help him get rid of it. He put them together and came up with Voldemort. Mama likes it but Voldemort thinks it's rather sissy, he likes Carep better."

Bellatrix giggled and hopped up on the tractor. "So Harry, ya want to ride on the tractor with me? I have room and you can steer."

Harry shrugged and hopped up onto the chair. Bellatrix settled herself on his lap and he touched the key in the ignition to start the tractor.

...

A blinding white light blurred his vision and he felt a jerk behind his naval. Bang! Bang! He landed on hard ground and was well aware that someone was next to him. He cracked one eye open and looked around. He was in the middle of the woods and Bellatrix (now in her normal get up of black robes) Lestrange was sitting right next to him on a log.

She took a drag on--was that a joint? --and passed it to Voldemort, who took a drag and stoked the fire with what looked like a thin tree. Voldemort passed Harry the joint. "I say no hard feelings, Potter, it's a peaceful world out there and I say we should call it quits, you know, this whole war. Dumbest thing that I have ever heard of. War." He laughed but it soon turned into coughs.

Bellatrix turned toward him. "Take a drag."

Harry brought the joint to his lips and inhaled felling another jerk on his naval but no blinding flash of light. He landed softly on his bed in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory. Harry looked around the room and pinched himself making sure that it was real but last time it didn't work. He could see Seamus thrashing in his bed and Neville was snoring the YMCA. Ron rolled over in his sleep murmuring, "Penguin..."

Harry laughed silently and went back to sleep, still hungry but too sleepy to think about food now.

~

Bellatrix picked up the joint that Potter dropped when he portkeyed out and took the last drag. Voldemort finished his coughing spell and cleared his throat. "You know, I could take over the world with this stuff and everything will be perfect. I mean Potter's an okay kid if you think about it and I think I wouldn't mind hanging around him if he can play a decent game of pool..."

Bellatrix nodded. "We should hang with him more often, I really would like him to meet my Snorkack, Billy..."

"Yeah, now I just need to get in that blokes inner circle, you know that one that sold me this shit. Damn, I wonder if he grows it at home because it is completely pure. That is just excellent." Voldemort leaned back against a tree and sighed, putting his hands behind his head.

Bellatrix nodded. "I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship. With Potter with us we'll be the ruler of both sides and that bloke will forever be in business. You're mind works in wondrous ways, Voldie."

Voldemort nodded and joined hand with Bellatrix. "You too, Bella, you too. Together we will take over the world with marijuana and what a wonderful world it will be."

And they live happily ever after... well, after they formed an alliance with that bloke who sold them the shit...

Who was that bloke anyway?

Mundungus Fletcher stuffed the ground up marijuana into his pipe and lit it. Molly changed her mind about him smoking in the kitchen after he filled the room with a smoky haze and he thought that tobacco was his bag... With this shit, not only did he have loyal clients, but also he got to smoke in Molly's kitchen! And that's saying something.