Rating:
PG-13
House:
Schnoogle
Characters:
Minerva McGonagall Remus Lupin
Genres:
Romance Drama
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban
Stats:
Published: 02/05/2004
Updated: 03/24/2004
Words: 41,937
Chapters: 14
Hits: 13,403

A Year in the Life

samvimes

Story Summary:
A different take on history -- see the events of Prisoner of Azkaban through the eyes of Remus Lupin, who is not just a teacher at Hogwarts and a friend of Harry's father, but a man falling in love with the unlikeliest of women...

Chapter 27

Chapter Summary:
A different take on history -- see the events of Prisoner of Azkaban through the eyes of Remus Lupin, who is not just a teacher at Hogwarts and a friend of Harry's father, but a man falling in love with the unlikeliest of women.
Posted:
03/24/2004
Hits:
903

XXVII. It Must Be True

June 18
My dear Minerva,

It's been a long time since I wrote a proper letter; you'll have to excuse me if I'm rusty at it. It's been even longer since I wrote to anyone I truly cared for.

I wanted to tell you so many things, and I feel I said so many things wrong, that last day at the school. I know it made you angry. I hope more with the state of the world than with me. I don't want you angry with me. You are, at the moment, my one touchstone with the real world, such as it is: a world where a person stays in one place more than three weeks at a time, and the whole of existence isn't taken up with finding where your next meal's going to come from. (Please don't worry on that front; I have savings from this past year, and I've never actually starved yet.)

When you -- how foolish do I feel, writing this? -- when you asked me to marry you what I wanted to say was yes, this minute, tell me where and when, and what to do.

But we are both realists, and so when I said that you could be fired and that I couldn't marry you because the Ministry wouldn't allow it, I was thinking realistically. I know you are too rational a person not to see that, though I also know that love tends to make even the most sensible of people irrational. Else why would you ever have taken up with me in the first place? Not the act of a rational woman, Minerva. For shame.

I want you to know that if I could have said yes, I would have. If I felt I could have asked you, I would have. I wanted to. Asking you to come away with me this summer was what happened instead.

I miss everything about you.

Remus

The letter arrived by owl post early one morning when the teachers, those who had not yet gone for the summer, were still dining. Severus Snape looked up and saw her turning pale; he inquired, blandly, if she was ill.

"No," she said, re-folding the parchment carefully. "Just a letter from Lupin."

It seemed strange to call him Lupin, but she would not give Severus the pleasure of seeing her discomfited.

"Ah. And will you write back?"

She turned to regard him coolly. "I'm surprised you take an interest."

He shrugged. "Idle curiousity. I would think, considering his continual lies, deceptions, and I hardly need add -- "

"That will do, Severus," she said sharply.

"Consider carefully," he continued, after a pause. "Consortion with a known werewolf cannot be good for either your reputation or the school's. He decieved you in ways that could have endangered yourself and the students."

"So did you," she replied. He went very still.

"And what, Deputy Headmistress, did you think of me when I did so?" he asked. She saw shame in his eyes, for his lies about how he had saved Harry and the others, though she heard none in his voice. "But perhaps romance makes us blind," he added.

She ran her thumb along the crease of the letter, thoughtfully.

June 30
Minerva,

I am sorry not to have heard from you, but I understand the aftermath of exams and classes must take a while to recover from, and there must be many jobs to do, to prepare for next year.

If you can come to Sheffield on the eighth of July, I shall be waiting at the address on the back of this letter. I've two months' employment here, writing for a Muggle paper. It's not exactly Wales and birdwatching, but there are theatre tickets, and my sublet flat is too big for one person. Write and tell me if you can come.

Remus

When she got the letter her heart rose. She could see him again -- two whole months --

The other letter, still resting on her desk, rustled when she picked it up, and she heard Severus' words again. Over top of those came her own thoughts, now; that he had lied to her, and in ways that betrayed her trust more deeply than almost anything else he could do. He'd endangered the children, which in her mind was very nearly worse.

And if she saw him again she didn't know that she could leave him. Or let him leave her twice.

She sighed, and laid the letter on the desk, next to the first.

July 10
Minerva,

I am sorry. I know I lied to you.

I didn't want to lose you.

I didn't think I had.

You did ask me to marry you, you know.

At least write to tell me you don't hate me. I couldn't bear it if you hated me, but the silence is worse.

Remus

She couldn't even read that one. She could see that it was only a few sentences, and she didn't know what he had said. She didn't want to know. If he was angry with her, she didn't want to think about it; if he missed her, her resolution might break. And the worst of all, if he was writing to tell her not to write to him after all...

July 19
Minerva,

I hope something isn't killing the owls. Have you looked into having the gargoyles removed from your guttering?

Please write back. Please. I am not particularly proud but I have never yet begged a woman for anything.

Please, please, please write to me, if only to tell me not to write anymore.

Remus

There were no words. No words came. She tried so many times but there were no words, there was no way to answer him, no way to write on paper the ache, the fear...she was not accustomed to feeling fear.

She tried all through one long night and in the morning she threw all four letters into the fire, one of them still unopened.

July 25
Minerva,

This has to work sooner or later.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

(There, see, I said it three times, it must be true.)

Remus

Dumbledore found her sleeping, fitfully, in a chair in the library, the letter on a nearby table, crumpled and smoothed many times. He was not sorry he read it. He was only sorry there was nothing he could say to her.

July 30
Minerva,

Dumbledore tells me you're well. I won't write again.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Remus

The letter went astray. His hands had been shaking too badly when he'd addressed it.

August 8
Minerva,

You don't have to write back. Please make sure Harry can afford all his school supplies. If not, I'm enclosing two Galleons, seven Sickles. It's not much, but it'll buy a new cauldron or some school books.

Remus

She only opened it because it was heavy, obviously there was something inside; when she finally did, and found the carefully-wrapped coins, along with his instructions to care for Harry, she set them down in neat piles on her desk. She knew what the amount meant; he was sending all the money he could spare. Two Galleons, seven Sickles. For Harry.

There was a knock on the door, and she rose to open it.

Severus Snape stood there, a letter in his thin, pale fingers. He offered it to her.

August 8
Severus,

If there was anything to forgive between us, I have; perhaps it was owed to you, my humiliation, for what I did not prevent when we were at school. Indeed, perhaps the debt is still mine, for the Wolfsbane.

I bear you no ill will. I hope you bear me little. I wish you would watch over Harry; I know you don't like the boy but I also know that you would not turn down a further debt I could owe you.

Please, Severus, look after him. Ask what you like in return, but don't make life harder for the lad. Think of your own childhood.

Remus Lupin

She looked up from the letter.

"Write to him," was all he said. "I have no wish to see you unhappy."

August 10
Remus,

I love you.

You're a fool.

Don't starve.

Minerva

The reply was unsteady, and hastily written, with cheap ink and a nearly-broken nib.

August 12
Minerva,

Please come to Sheffield. There are two weeks yet before school term starts.

Remus

When he opened the door to the knock, she was standing on his doorstep.

"I brought dinner," she blurted, holding up a basket. "And tea."

He smiled.

Minerva,

When I woke up this morning and you were still sleeping I saw you and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to touch you or run away.

So I've decided on a compromise, and gone to get breakfast from the shop around the corner.

I'll be back soon.

I love you more than I thought possible.

Remus

FIN.

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

-- Rent