To Seduce a Serpent - The Diary of Pansy Parkinson

December, 1997

Dorms, Before Classes

Firstly, don't adhere to anything Daphne says about my advice. I give excellent advice; she just executes it badly.

Secondly, my homework has swallowed all my free time. Between actually doing it and procrastinating to be with Draco, my free time equals approximately negative four. Of course, this is only an approximation.

Speaking of Draco, have I mention I'm so completely screwed?

I'm so close to telling my mother to bugger off, to just leave me alone. After all, I am seventeen. Well, almost. Come February, I'll be forever free of her, therefore there will be no more executions of plans that conflict with my love life. Oh, what a happy day it will be.

Until then, I'm so completely screwed.

Maybe, before I turn seventeen, Mother will become incapacitated and be unable to meddle in my affairs.

Unfortunately, Fate does not love me that much.

Alas, Transfiguration calls. I fear I must bid you farewell.

Love,

Pansy, Your Almost Seventeen-Year-Old Queen

December, 1997

Library, "Studying"

It's not studying so much as it is getting the life snogged out of me. I prefer this version of studying much better.

I have encountered my first relationship-centric problem: What to get Draco for Christmas.

Yes, I realize how incredibly shallow that is, and yes, I realize we've only been together for a few months, but I've been waiting for this moment for the past five years. Five godforsaken years, and I am not about to mess it up by buying him a horrible Christmas gift. No way, no how.

I could always go the safe route and get him a broom cleaning kit or something, and it would be something that showed I wasn't too emotionally invested in our relationship. Of course, if I take a risk and get him something personal, he couldn't help but fall more in like (note: I refuse to use the word 'love') with me, but it would show I'm very much emotionally involved. Considering I'm not sure how emotionally involved in this relationship he is, I'm not so sure I should just jump headfirst into this.

I'd ask Daphne, but when it comes to fostering healthy relationships, she's not really the one to go to. After all, she and Theodore are supposedly 'off' right now, yet they're still shagging like bunnies.

If I could only find out what he's getting me, I could decipher just how much he's into me. I don't want to go all out if he's not going to go all out. After all, I don't want to look desperate now, do I?

The answer, dear diary, is no.

Mother wrote and asked me to come home for Christmas. I know she doesn't want me home for my sunny disposition and holiday cheer, so if I do decide to go home (which I won't, no matter how desperate I get) I'd have to be on my toes. Of course, if worst comes to worst, I can go to France with Daphne, who I usually spend Christmas with anyway. It's not that I don't love my mother, she's just a passive-aggressive manipulative bitch, and I'd rather not let her dampen whatever holiday spirits I might sprout.

And, I'm holding out waiting for Draco to ask me to come home with him. That would be the biggest indicator of how he feels about me, and I've been dying to get inside his house. Supposedly, it's the epitome of culture and high fashion, plus I hear their house elves make excellent pastries.

Speaking of pastries, dinner's nearing and dessert is going to be some type of pastry. Hooray, pastries!

Love,

Pansy, Queen of Pastries and all their Relatives, such as Pie and Cake

December 1997

Potions, First Period

Daphne is asleep and drooling all over the parchment she's supposed to be taking notes on. Usually, I'd wake her up before she ruins the whole paper, but I'm so angry with her I can barely see straight.

Guess who's ditching France for the poor boyfriend with the rotting manor in the middle of nowhere? I'll give you a hint- she snores and drools like a mastiff.

Meaning guess who might actually have to go home to her mother this Christmas for the first time in seven years? I'll give you another hint- she did nothing to deserve such a fate.

She told me yesterday while we were copying Nott's Transfiguration notes. I was going to give him credit for taking such meticulous notes, but when Daphne told me what they were planning to do, it made me hate the kid even more, if that's even humanly possible. What are they going to do? Sleep on the moldy carpet that hasn't been tread on since his father went to Azkaban eight years ago? Daphne giggled and invited me over, but there's no way in hell I'm stepping foot in that decaying cave, let me tell you.

She's disgusting.

So this leaves me with two options: wait pathetically for Draco to invite me to his house for Christmas or write my mother and tell her I'll be home. Staying here is out of the question since no one stays here for Christmas. Except maybe the Gryffindors, but they are Gryffindors, after all. Enough said.

I think I'm going to take the pathetic route, because I do not want to go home to my mother.

Draco just passed me a note, so excuse my whilst I read it.

-Two Minutes Later-

Guess who's not going home to their mother! I'm not even going to make you guess; it's ME.

Draco's note said, and I quote, 'Come home for Christmas with me. Mum wants to meet you.' Not only does he want me to come home, he wants me to meet his mum! He must be seriously in this relationship if he wants me to meet his family, right?

Of course, his mum could have pushed him into this so she could get my to her home, murder me, and bury me under the floorboards. Maybe she thinks I'm corrupting her son, or that I'm a tramp after his money or something. After all, his mum and my mother aren't exactly on speaking terms right now. Hopefully I don't get blamed for the sins of my mother...

At least I don't have to go home to the bitch. Seven years in a row away from home, and I don't plan on ever going back.

Love,

Pansy, Who's Seven Year Reign Is Still Going Strong

December 1997

Dorms

Daphne and I were packing when I decided to give her my gift. It was a blanket and pair of snow boots. After all, she's going to need both when she goes to Nott's moldy and crumbling abode.

She gave me my gift, which was a giant pair of knickers. I thought she was kidding when she first handed them to me, and when I said, 'What the hell?' she replied, "It's so they'll fit over that giant stick sticking out of your arse."

Needless to say, I was not amused.

"Daphne," I told her, folding the giant knickers and placing them lovingly in my trunk. "At least my gifts to you were functional. You'll need them whilst you're in ten feet of snow at Nott's crumbling house."

She stormed out in a huff, but she'll be back. She always comes back.

So all I have to do is get Draco's gift. I'm going to Hogsmeade tomorrow, and I still don't know what I'm going to get. I'm totally, totally screwed.

Love,

Pansy, Your Queen with Giant Knickers

December 1997

The Train, On the Way to the Platform

I'm so nervous about meeting Draco's parents. I mean, I know it's ridiculous because I've met them before (several times, in fact) but I was never dating their one and only son. What if they don't like me? Or worse, what if they hate me so much they make him break up with me?

I'd voice these concerns to Daphne, but she's still not speaking to me. Honestly, how immature is that? I make a few harmless cracks on her not even official boyfriend and suddenly, I'm mean and unfair. If he wasn't so weird, I wouldn't have to make cracks. This whole situation is so obviously his fault, and it's so frustrating that Daphne refuses to acknowledge that.

Pricks, both of them.

So that just leaves just you, oh beloved diary of mine.

Oh! I forgot to mention I got Draco's gift! I took the safe route and got him a broom cleaning kit. However, contrary to the safe route, I got a few things in it personalized with his name and position, just to make it look like I'm involved with the relationship, just not overly so. Perfect amount of obsessive and not. I'm such a good girlfriend.

I'm still curious as hell as to what he got me. Obviously, he's emotionally invested since he asked me to come home with him, but if he ends up buying me a magazine or Merlin-forbid, a book, he's not that invested. It would really be bad if he buys me something absolutely wonderful and all I have to show is a little broom cleaning kit with the occasional personalization.

That would make me a very bad girlfriend.

I asked Daphne what she got Theodore, before we got in our big tiff, that is, and she said oven mitts. It comforts me to know I'm a much better girlfriend than her. Much, much better. Of course, oven mitts might be some kind of twisted code for something disturbing and disgusting that I don't want to ever think about, I might cry and never speak to her again. I think I need to clean my brain...

Maybe I'll go find Draco. We can fit in a quick snog session before meeting his parents. I doubt we'll be able to snog in his house when we get there without me feeling extremely guilty. The last thing I need is for his mum to walk in and see what we're doing. She'd probably hex me into oblivion.

Well, the train stopped, so the next time you'll hear from me is when I'm safely inside Malfoy Manor!

Love,

Pansy, the Queen who's Going to Malfoy Manor

December 1997

One of Many Spare Rooms in Malfoy Manor

I'm here safely and so far, no incidents have forced me into oblivion. Mrs. Malfoy was uncharacteristically warm towards me when Draco introduced me to her as his girlfriend. She hugged me and told me she'd set aside a special room for me.

This room happens to be across the house from Draco's room.

No need to worry though, the walls and floors are thick, meaning Draco can sneak in whenever he wants.

It's a lovely house, with thick carpets and magical wallpaper with moving birds and flowers on it. It's pretty old-fashioned, nothing like my house, but it's ridiculously ritzy. My bed is nice and fluffy with silk sheets and a plush cashmere duvet. This is my version of heaven, and I don't think I want to ever leave.

Draco's knocking on my door, so I need to hide you. No fears; we'll talk about the dinner we're having in a few moments.

Love,

Pansy, the Queen Who's Metaphorically Died and Gone to Metaphorical Heaven