Rating:
G
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Lucius Malfoy Lord Voldemort
Genres:
Humor Angst
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire
Stats:
Published: 05/27/2003
Updated: 05/27/2003
Words: 833
Chapters: 1
Hits: 6,484

Lucius Malfoy's Death Eater Application Form

Rowen Redford

Story Summary:
Some brave soul has raided Voldemort's filing cabinet, and Lucius Malfoy's application to join the Death Eaters has been discovered. A fic for anyone considering a career as a minion of the Dark Lord.
Chapter Summary:
Some brave soul has raided Voldemort's filing cabinet, and Lucius Malfoy's application to join the death eaters has been discovered. A fic for anyone considering a career as a minion of the dark lord.
Posted:
05/27/2003
Hits:
6,484

Death Eater Application Form

Death Eating is a strenuous but rewarding career, with meals and uniform supplied, as well as frequent murder/pillage opportunities. Pay and pension schemes are also well above national average. If you believe that this is the job for you, please fill in this form and return it IN PERSON to Lord Voldemort or one of his associates.

You will have 45 minutes to complete this form. Please answer in BLUE or BLACK ink, forms written in blood, crayon, charcoal, chocolate etc will be rejected outright. Candidates who cheat will be considered for high positions within Lord Voldemort's organisation. Candidates caught cheating will be flayed alive as a lesson to other bungling fools.

Personal questions

Name (this means your real name, not some alias you made up because you think it makes you sound frightening): Lucius Xerxes Malfoy

Age: Old enough to know better than to answer that question.

Lineage/ descent: Entirely pure blood, (family tree enclosed). The rumours about Uncle Vladamir are completely untrue, there are no mudbloods, muggles or seals in our family tree.

Are you rich? Yes, but I don't stand loans, so don't get any ideas.

Personality disorder of choice: paranoia. If you think that everybody is out to get you then they probably are. It helps to be prepared.

Reasons for joining Death Eaters: Lust for power, fervent wish to destroy muggles and mudbloods worldwide, the free tattoo.

Skills/Previous Employment:

Favourite curse (candidate should give reasons for their choice): Crucio. Driving people mad with pain is much more fun that killing them via Avada Kedavra. Their agonised spasms are a reliable pick-me-up after a hard day.

Have you killed your parents? (if not, explain why) No. There is a clause in their will that states that unless they die a natural death I will inherit nothing. I am currently developing an untraceable poison to remedy this state of affairs.

Skills/qualifications (candidates should not that insanity no longer counts as a qualification): Hogwarts diploma. Doctorate in advanced maiming from St Ralph's college, Oxford. Certificate in general ruthlessness grade 7, distinction. I speak 5 languages and possess family estates in France, Italy, Estonia, Canada and Belgium. I have also recently been voted "evil sadist of the year" by Witch Weekly magazine, and have a good singing voice.

How many people have you killed to date? Do you mean killed directly, or do people that you've just paid to have murdered count? And what about people I killed by accident whilst testing new curses? Probably around forty.

Previous employment: I have a large unearned income and have no need for work. When I'm not too busy counting my money into little piles, I spend most of my time thinking of ways to trick the income tax people.

Are you a spy? No. Are you an idiot?

General questions:

  1. How would you deal with an auror if you were without your wand? Easy. I would set my specially trained Hippogriff on them. Otherwise I would distract them with the old "look behind you" ruse, and then hit them on the head with a brick.

  1. How would you kill someone under a fidelius charm? Discover the secret keeper, torture them until they disclose the hiding place.

  1. Which is better, poison or a deadly curse? (Give reasons for your answer) Though both have their merits, I would have to choose a deadly curse, as it is more useful during sudden auror attacks, besides of which it is easier to kill someone with on a sudden whim using a curse, whilst poison requires deliberation.

  1. How would your prove your loyalty to Lord Voldemort? With a massacre of muggles that would live in infamy for the rest of time. Also by printing "I love Voldemort" tee shirts.

  1. "Modern torture techniques are more efficient than those of the past": discuss this statement with reference to torture for interrogation, extortion and for fun: Whilst some time-honoured torture techniques, such as crucio, the impalement curse and the decapito hex, should be staples of every efficient torturer's repertoire, modern torture techniques are indeed more efficient, as a greater knowledge of magic and of biology have allowed us to develop more painful methods of torture, such as the migraine curse for mild interrogation or extortion, or the chainsaw hex for more amusing torture (this spell alone is responsible for a 33% increase in amusing writhing of curse victims since its invention in 1944).

Examiner's comments (Candidates should leave this section blank unless they want to be found floating face down in the bath at a later date): Candidate showed great aptitude in all areas of the practical, decapitating twelve of the muggles due for extermination with one curse. His answers on the theory also show suitability for the position of a death eater, although his love of torture could blind him to the more practical duties of the job, such as murder, taking over the world, darning etc.

Lord Voldemort's decision: Accepted! Welcome to the team Mr Malfoy.