The Marauders and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"Oh, okay then," said Peter, plopping back down on the floor, having no idea what had just gone on in the room.

Remus continued to stare out the window, and James continued to say nothing. Finally, the silence was broken by Sirius, who started waving his hand in front of Remus' face.

"Moony...hey, Moony...are you there?"

"Hmm?" asked Remus, snapping out of his daze.

"Are you going to keep reading now?"

"Oh, yes of course," said Remus.

"Yeah, stop spacing out," said James, laughing at him.

"Would somebody tell Mr. Prongs that he is one to talk, considering the amount of times he spaces out?" Sirius said.

James pretended not to hear this, and meanwhile, Remus continued to wait to be allowed to read. Peter just sat there.

"Ahem, that means you, Mr. Wormtail!" Sirius snapped, poking Peter in the side.

"Oh!" Peter said, snapping to attention. "Prongs, Padfoot says that you're one to talk about spacing out considering the amount of times you space out."

"I do not! Erm... That is, I do not do that... a lot. Yes. You tell him that!" James responded.

"Padfoot, Prongs says 'I do not. Erm... That is, I do not do that... a lot. Yes. You tell him that!'"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You all are so redundant!"

"Oh yeah?" said James. "Well, if I had a dictionary, I'd find a bigger word to describe you. But I don't have one. So I'll just have to say you're redundant. Which, you kind of are."

Remus just cleared his throat and read the title aloud.

"Chapter Seven. The Boggart in the Wardrobe."

"Ah. Good times," James reminisced.

"Great. Boggarts," mumbled Peter.

"I don't like them much either," said Remus. "But they're very easy to handle if you know how. Anyway..." He cleared his throat again, and began the chapter.

Malfoy didn't reappear in classes until late on Thursday morning, when the Slytherins and Gryffindors were halfway through double Potions. He swaggered into the dungeon, his right arm covered in bandages and bound up in a sling, acting, in Harry's opinion, as though he were the heroic survivor of some dreadful battle.

"You're no 'heroic survivor of some dreadful battle!" outburst James. "That wasn't dreadful at all! It was wonderful! And it was your own fault!"

"How is it, Draco?" simpered Pansy Parkinson. "Does it hurt much?"

"I hope it does. A lot," said Sirius. "I hope that it's excruciatingly painful!"

"My fist will hurt a lot more, Draco," James threatened, waving his own up in the air.

"Yeah," said Malfoy, putting on a brave sort of grimace. But Harry saw him wink at Crabbe and Goyle when Pansy had looked away.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, please..."

"Settle down, settle down," said Professor Snape idly.

"Listen to that!" outraged James. "That doesn't sound good at all! Professor Snape? It... How could he become a professor? It's just not right! We've barely even started the chapter, and already I'm angry!"

"I thought you already were angry?" said Peter.

"Then I'm angrier!"

Harry and Ron scowled at each other; Snape wouldn't have said "settle down" if they'd walked in late, he'd have given them detention.

James made a growling noise, Sirius looked both angry and confused, Remus raised his eyebrows, and Peter's mouth dropped slightly.

"Favorites!" shouted James, pointing at the book. "Favoritism is so wrong! You can't allow that in a classroom! McGonagall doesn't even favor the Gryffindors and give us less homework, so why should Snape be allowed to favor Slytherins! It's not right! By the way, Moony, you will be favoring Harry and the Gryffindors, right?"

"Er," said Remus, his eyebrows raising back up, "Didn't you just say favoritism was wrong?"

"Yes, I did," James said. "It is wrong when Snape does it. But when you do it, it's okay. It's right."

But Malfoy had always been able to get away with anything in Snape's classes; Snape was head of Slytherin House, and generally favored his own students above all others.

"What?" Peter said blankly.

Sirius blinked a few times. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Did the book just say that Snivellus is Head of Slytherin House?"

Remus, who also couldn't believe what he had just read, reread the sentence to himself. "Yes...it did."

"THIS IS A SCANDAL!" bellowed James. "SNIVELLUS IS NOT FIT TO BE A PROFESSOR, AND CERTAINLY NOT FIT TO BE HEAD OF SLYTHERIN HOUSE! HOW COULD DUMBLEDORE LET HIM?"

"OBVIOUSLY, SNIVELLUS GOT AHOLD OF DUMBLEDORE, KNOCKED HIM OUT, AND FORCED HIM TO MAKE HIM BE HEAD OF SLYTHERIN!" Sirius yelled along with James. No matter the situation, James and Sirius could always ramble on and on about how much they loathed Snape.

"Yeah, that's it!" agreed James frantically. "And now, with his evil position of Head of Slytherin, he's going to try and take points away from everyone so that Slytherin can win the House Cup!"

"And then, with his horrible glory, the students will put him on a pedestal and feed him bowls of cherries!" added Sirius.

"Cherries?" asked Peter.

"I dunno, just thought it would fit," Sirius answered with a shrug.

Remus gave a small cough. "Might I suggest we find out by reading the rest of the chapter, and...er... trying to restrain ourselves from falling into long drawn-out rants about Snape and what he could be doing?"

"Oh, fine," said James, looking sour. Had Snape been in the room at the moment, there was no doubt James would have hexed him to pieces. And Snape had barely done anything in the chapter yet.

They were making a new potion today, a Shrinking Solution.

"I wish some of that solution would find its way onto Snivelly's brain..." mumbled Sirius.

"It probably went on Crabbe and Goyle's brains, in my opinion," said Peter.

Malfoy set up his cauldron right next to Harry and Ron, so that they were preparing their ingredients on the same table.

"Disgusting," said James with a sneer. "Now Harry and Ron's cauldrons are going to be infested with Malfoy germs! Gross! Get that smirky blonde on the other side of the room."

"Sir," Malfoy called, "sir, I'll need help cutting up these daisy roots, because of my arm-"

"Weasley, cut up Malfoy's roots for him," said Snape without looking up.

"What?!" cried James and Sirius, simultaneously.

Ron went brick red.

"There's nothing wrong with your arm," he hissed at Malfoy.

"But there's something wrong with all of him!" James said. "I guess that would include his arm then. Hmm. Well, then, I mean there's something wrong with him, and that includes his arm, and it has nothing to do with Buckbeak."

Malfoy smirked across the table.

"Weasley, you heard Professor Snape; cut up those roots."

Ron seized his knife, pulled Malfoy's roots toward him, and began to chop them roughly, so that they were all different sizes.

"Yes, that'll show him to make Harry and Ron do his bidding," Sirius grinned.

"Actually, with the sound of how Malfoy is, I doubt that'll actually show him..." said Remus.

"Even if it doesn't, Ron could just use the alternative," said Sirius.

"What?" Remus asked. "Do everything Malfoy says with politeness so that Malfoy is completely taken aback?"

Sirius stared at him. "No. Ron could just pick up the knife and stab him in the heart."

James opened his mouth as if to cheer this suggestion on, but quickly stopped, and no one took any notice of this except Peter, because Remus had then smacked Sirius in the ear with the edge of the book.

"Oh, ow!" whined Sirius, rubbing dramatically at his ears despite the fact that the book had barely caused them pain. "My precious ears! I use them to hear things!"

"I know," said Remus. "And so if you can't hear of all the nasty and unpleasant things Malfoy does, then perhaps you won't be suggesting your own."

"I don't think so. Besides, what if his hand just happened to slip off the knife and..."

"Sirius!" said Remus gruffly.

"Professor," drawled Malfoy, "Weasley's mutilating my roots, sir."

"Be glad that he's not mutilating your face instead," said James.

Snape approached their table, stared down his hooked nose at the roots, then gave Ron an unpleasant smile from beneath his long, greasy black hair.

"Change roots with Malfoy, Weasley."

"What?!" said James and Sirius again.

"I've had enough of this kid! He is exactly like his father!" declared Sirius. "And I've barely said two words to him!"

"Well, I've had enough of Snivellus!" said James. "And I've said plenty of words to him!"

"But, sir-!"

Ron had spent the last quarter of an hour carefully shredding his own roots into exactly equal pieces.

"He was doing so well, too!" said Remus. "Now all of his hard work is being taken away from him!"

"Now," said Snape in his most dangerous voice.

"Which is?" asked James. "Does he have one? Because I don't think I've ever heard it."

Ron shoved his own beautifully cut roots across the table at Malfoy, then took up his knife again.

"And sir, I'll need this shrivelfig skinned," said Malfoy, his voice full of malicious laughter.

"Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig," said Snape, giving Harry the look of loathing he always reserved just for him.

"What?!" said James and Sirius once more.

"You're the teacher, why don't you skin it for your student!" outraged James. "You just sit around in your class on your lazy arse, where meanwhile, my son is trying to make his own potion! He doesn't need to be making Malfoy's potion too! You just wait until I see you this school year! I'll hex you so bad for what you're going to be doing in the future!"

"Ooh, I'd like to see that," said Peter eagerly.

"Oh, don't worry. You'll be seeing more than that," said Sirius, much too angry at the future Snape to care or realize that he was agreeing with James.

"Yes. You definitely will. We'll show Snivellus what he's got coming," said James, also too angry at future Snape to care or realize that he was agreeing with Sirius.

"Now...I can understand how upset you all are," said Remus. "I am too, believe me. But I really think that if you keep interrupting me for ten minutes after every few sentences, we're never going to finish the book. It's already getting late, we might have to finish it another day."

"Come on! We have to keep going!" Peter protested.

"Yes, I want to as well...But we must be realistic," continued Remus. "We're not even halfway through the book. And Padfoot, Wormtail, and I have been here for most of the day. My parents will probably want me home soon."

"It's not that late," James said, rolling his eyes. "If my mum comes up to tell you guys that you have to go home, I'll just say you guys are sleeping over. She won't mind." He paused. "I think. We can stay up all night and keep reading. And then we'll sleep for an hour, and then wake up early and keep reading."

Remus and Peter nodded. Sirius began to make a motion as if to say, 'Hey, Prongs, my friend, thanks. You know I don't want to go back home', but then changed his mind and looked back at the book.

Harry took Malfoy's shrivelfig as Ron began trying to repair the damage to the roots he now had to use. Harry skinned the shrivelfig as fast as he could and flung it back across the table at Malfoy without speaking. Malfoy was smirking more broadly than ever.

"You mean Harry didn't fling it so that it hit Malfoy in the eye?" asked Peter sadly. "That would've been cool."

"Yeah, it would have been..." said James and Sirius dreamily.

"Potions can be a lot more fun when you make it violent," said Sirius.

"Seen your pal Hagrid lately?" he asked them quietly.

"None of your business," said Ron jerkily, without looking up.

"I'm afraid he won't be a teacher much longer," said Malfoy in a tone of mock sorrow.

"I offer to give you some real sorrow," Sirius said.

"Father's not very happy about my injury-"

"But we sure are!" said Peter, rubbing his hands with glee.

"Keep talking, Malfoy, and I'll give you a real injury," snarled Ron.

"Yeah! That's exactly what I'm talking about!" endorsed Sirius. "I told you guys Ron was a very good character. Hope he goes through with that."

"- he's complained to the school governors. And to the Ministry of Magic. Father's got a lot of influence, you know. And with a lasting injury like this" -he gave a huge, fake sigh- "who knows if my arm'll ever be the same again?"

"Who cares?" said James. "Just shut it, Malfoy."

"So that's why you're putting it on," said Harry, accidentally beheading a dead caterpillar because his hand was shaking in anger. "To try and get Hagrid fired."

"They can't fire Hagrid!" shouted Peter.

"No, they can't!" added Remus. "They have no logical justification to! Malfoy was the one who should've been obeying the rules of hippogriffs. See, I've told you all why you should pay attention in class."

"Um, Moony," said James. "This had nothing to do with paying attention in class. Malfoy heard Hagrid, and that little berk just felt like being horrible. It was his own fault he got injured!"

"I know," said Remus. "But I'm just trying to make a life lesson as well as give you all a point."

"Does anyone not see how this guy is going to be a professor?" asked Sirius. "He's trying to teach us already."

Remus smiled satisfyingly and then continued reading.

"Well," said Malfoy, lowering his voice to a whisper, "partly, Potter. But there are other benefits too. Weasley, slice my caterpillars for me."

"Please don't," said Sirius. "Don't do it! Don't give into peer pressure!"

"But I really think he'll have to give into teacher pressure," said Remus.

"Yeah, well, forget that," Sirius said. "When's the last time I've ever given into something because Snivelly pressured me into it? Ugh. As though he were capable..."

A few cauldrons away, Neville was in trouble. Neville regularly went to pieces in Potions lessons; it was his worst subject, and his great fear of Professor Snape made things ten times worse.

"Poor Neville," Peter said.

"Professor Snape. Hmm, frightens all, doesn't he?" asked Remus.

"Who thought our little Snivelly would get so terrifying?" said James, trying to go for the mock-parental tone, but ruining it because he was just so angry.

"Actually, I'm just terrified of the fact that Snivellus gets the word 'Professor' in front of his name," said Sirius. "Glad I'm not going to school then."

His potion, which was supposed to be a bright, acid green, had turned-

"Orange, Longbottom," said Snape, ladling some up and allowing it to splash back into the cauldron so that everyone could see. "Orange. Tell me, boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours? Didn't you hear me say, quite clearly, that only one rat spleen was needed? Didn't I state plainly that a dash of leech juice would suffice? What do I have to do to make you understand, Longbottom?"

"Maybe you could break out into a musical dance and start singing," suggested James. "And look like an idiot."

"Whoa. Okay, Moony," began Sirius, "I know how you like to put a lot of expression in your reading. It makes it more fun. But that... That just scared me. Getting a little too far into character, aren't you?"

"It's rather fun to read a mean, evil person. It's entirely different from myself," shrugged Remus.

"You're a little too good. Have you been practicing or something?" asked Sirius.

"No," said Remus. "Although, sometimes I do have surges of malevolence and anger."

"Hmm...yeah, you do," said Sirius, remembering how frustrated Remus had been about an hour ago. "We don't see you like that much. It's scary."

"Well, one of my condition would try to contain acting like that, now wouldn't they?" said Remus.

"Yeah, they would."

"Then I've proved my point."

"Wait. What point?"

"He's teaching us again," said Peter. "Keep reading, Moony."

Neville was pink and trembling. He looked as though he were on the verge of tears.

"Don't cry, Neville!" said James. "Punch Snivelly in the stomach so he'll cry!"

"Prongs!" said Remus disapprovingly.

"Please, sir," said Hermione, "please, I could help Neville put it right-"

"I don't remember asking you to show off, Miss Granger," said Snape coldly, and Hermione went as pink as Neville.

Sirius gasped. "She wasn't going to show off, she was just going to help him!"

"Yes," said Peter. "I really think Snivellus does have problems."

"Well, he's always so incredibly proud of his potions in class," said Remus with a sigh. "I'm sure he's just so bitter that no potion can ever match his standards, even if it's perfectly find with a bit of help."

"Longbottom, at the end of this lesson we will feed a few drops of this potion to your toad and see what happens. Perhaps that will encourage you to do it properly."

"Look!" cried James. "Now he's trying to kill his toad or something! That's it, Snivellus has gone too far! And like I said. We're barely through the chapter and I'm already angry!"

"But like I said! You already were angry!" Peter reminded him.

"I'm just mad!"

Snape moved away, leaving Neville breathless with fear.

"Help me!" he moaned to Hermione.

"Hey, Harry," said Seamus Finnigan, leaning over to borrow Harry's brass scales, "have you heard? Daily Prophet this morning- they reckon Sirius Black's been sighted."

There was sudden silence in the room. All the irritation at Snape had made the four boys temporarily forget that Sirius was to be a convicted murderer in the future, and as Remus had read the sentence, much too annoyed at Snape to try and remember not to make any references to Sirius being a murderer because it would cause some anger, the anger came back to everyone in a sudden shock. They sat there in complete silence.

"Uh...well..." said Sirius tentatively, breaking the silence, "Maybe the Azkaban people will find me, catch me, lock me back in Azkaban, and the story will have a really happy ending and you'll never have to worry about big ol' murderer me ever again."

"Until you manage to break out again!" retorted James.

Remus continued reading quickly before any yelling could break out. Unfortunately, the book was still talking about Sirius.

"Where?" said Harry and Ron quickly. On the other side of the table, Malfoy looked up, listening closely.

"Not too far from here," said Seamus, who looked excited. "It was a Muggle who saw him. 'Course, she didn't really understand. The Muggles think he's just an ordinary criminal, don't they? So she phoned the telephone hot line. By the time the Ministry of Magic got there, he was gone."

"Well, that's just great, isn't it?" said Peter. "Just think, Padfoot. You could have been captured and we wouldn't have to worry!"

"Yeah... I guess not..." Sirius mumbled as his eyes trailed to the floor.

"Not too far from here..." Ron repeated, looking significantly at Harry.

"Hey, I think I know what Ron is getting at..." said James.

"Stop getting at it!" yelled Sirius. "Just shut up, Ron! Remember when I said you were a cool person? I take that back!"

He then turned and saw Malfoy watching closely. "What, Malfoy? Need something else skinned?"

"But Malfoy's eyes were shining malevolently, and they were fixed on Harry. He leaned across the table.

"Thinking of trying to catch Black single-handed, Potter?"

James pondered this idea. "Hmm... It'd be bad of you to go and catch a murderer if he's just going to kill you, Harry."

"I'm not going to kill anyone!" shouted Sirius firmly.

"How do we know?" said James shrewdly. "I mean, you did kill those thirteen people!"

"Everyone, please, shut up!" yelled Remus. "We've gone through this a thousand times. And you all keep saying the same thing over and over anyway. Let's just keep reading!"

"Fine," said Peter.

"Yeah, that's right," said Harry offhandedly.

"I really wonder if you're serious about that, Harry. Don't get yourself killed!" said James. "Make good choices!"

Malfoy's thin mouth was curving into a mean smile.

"How could his mouth possibly curve into a mean smile if he's already been giving one for the past few minutes?" James asked.

"Of course, if it was me," he said quietly, "I'd have done something before now. I wouldn't be staying in school like a good boy, I'd be out there looking for him."

"But how would Malfoy stay in school like a good boy if he's not a good boy in the first place?" said Peter.

"He wouldn't. Which means it sounds like Malfoy wants to go looking for someone..." James said.

"What are you talking about, Malfoy?" said Ron roughly.

"Don't you know, Potter?" breathed Malfoy, his pale eyes narrowed.

"Know what?" asked James.

"Know what?"

Malfoy let out a low, sneering laugh.

"Maybe you'd better not risk your neck," he said. "Want to leave it to the dementors, do you? But if it was me, I'd want revenge. I'd hunt him down myself."

"That's...special, Malfoy," said Sirius, still being cautious to whatever he said.

"Wow," said Peter. "He makes it sound like you're a lost dog or something. Oh, wait..." Peter had just now caught on.

"You're so stupid, Peter!" Sirius said.

"Hey!" said Peter. "I am not stupid! Well... Not at the moment!"

"No. You were."

"What are you talking about?" said Harry angrily, but at that moment Snape called, "You should have finished adding your ingredients by now; this potion needs to stew before it can be drunk, so clear away while it simmers and then we'll test Longbottom's..."

Crabbe and Goyle laughed openly, watching Neville sweat as he stirred his potion feverishly. Hermione was muttering instructions to him out of the corner of her mouth, so that Snape wouldn't see.

"And I sure hope he doesn't," said Sirius, trying to bring everyone back on the topic of hating Snape. "Remember that one time where Moony finally gave in and started telling me the answers in Transfiguration but then McGonagall caught you?"

"I think it's impossible for me to forget that one," said Remus. "She gave me a detention for cheating. It was awful. I'd just like to say that that's the last time I ever help you cheat."

"But how would you like knowing that me, Wormtail, and Prongs would fail and live a miserable life without your help?" asked Sirius.

"I'm sure that you'd all manage without my help," said Remus.

"No we wouldn't!" said Sirius. "Isn't that right guys?"

James and Peter didn't answer. To Remus, it seemed as if James and Peter would have preferred to ignore Sirius altogether.

"...Guys?"

"Sure," said James.

"Yeah," said Peter.

Harry and Ron packed away their unused ingredients and went to wash their hands and ladles in the stone basin in the corner.

"What did Malfoy mean?" Harry muttered to Ron as he stuck his hands under the icy jet that poured from the gargoyle's mouth. "Why would I want revenge on Black? He hasn't done anything to me- yet."

James gave a loud cough that sounded like, "Yeah, not yet."

"He's making it up," said Ron savagely. "He's trying to make you do something stupid..."

"Exactly!" Sirius blabbered on. "Malfoy's making everything up, like we should've know. With his father being who he is! Heh, heh... there shouldn't be any reason for us to worry about me..."

The end of the lesson in sight, Snape strode over to Neville, who was cowering by his cauldron.

"Everyone gather 'round," said Snape, his black eyes glittering--

"Why are his eyes glittering?" Peter asked. "His eyes don't glitter! They're just black and cold!"

"Hmm. Perhaps he's gay. Or a drag-queen," Sirius answered.

"And how would you know that?" asked Remus suspiciously.

"Because if he was straight then his eyes wouldn't be twinkling," said Sirius. "How many straight men have eyes that glitter?"

"I don't know. I haven't looked," said Peter.

Remus blinked several times. "You know, Sirius, I'm sure it's just an expression. I doubt you'd see any physical glittering."

-"and watch what happens to Longbottom's toad. If he has managed to produce a Shrinking Solution, it will shrink to a tadpole. If, as I don't doubt, he has done it wrong, his toad is likely to be poisoned."

"You know, I always wonder about that one," said Remus.

"What's there to wonder about?" asked Peter. "Snape's evil. We know. Wondering's done."

"No, no, not about that," said Remus. "About the name of the potion. Why call it a Shrinking Solution if it's not technically shrinking? Neville's toad becoming a tadpole would mean the toad was getting younger, not shrinking. If it was shrinking, it would just be a toad with less mass."

The three other boys stared at him.

"And just think," said James. "We haven't even gotten to your class yet."

"I don't think the book should have told Moony that he's going to be a professor," Peter added. "You seem to enjoy teaching us now."

"Well...maybe...just a bit," Remus admitted.

"Case proven," said Sirius. "Now, Professor Moony, if you'd like to keep reading the book so we can yell and scream at Snivellus?"

"Not for that point, no, but I'm going to keep reading anyway," said Remus.

The Gryffindors watched fearfully. The Slytherins looked excited. Snape picked up Trevor the toad in his left hand and dipped a small spoon into Neville's potion, which was now green. He trickled a few drops down Trevor's throat.

There was a moment of hushed silence, in which Trevor gulped; then there was a small pop, and Trevor the tadpole was wriggling in Snape's palm.

"Ha!" yelled Sirius. "You didn't get to poison Trevor after all!"

The Gryffindors burst into applause. Snape, looking sour-

"I'm sorry, I just love hearing about Snivellus' facial expressions when he's angry," interrupted James happily.

"You know what, I bet if someone had to taste Snape, he would taste gross and sour," said Peter.

Sirius stared at him. "Uh, yeah. That was just disturbing, Peter. I don't even want to think about someone tasting Snape. Eww."

-pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his robe, poured a few drops on top of Trevor, and he reappeared suddenly, fully grown.

"Five points from Gryffindor," said Snape, which wiped the smiles from every face. "I told you not to help him, Miss Granger. Class dismissed."

"What?!" said Sirius and James together for the fourth time that chapter.

"That's not the kind of behavior a professor should demonstrate!" said Remus. "You can't take away house points because a student got the potion right! Well... except for the part where Hermione was telling Neville how to do it... but still, how could Snape have known?"

"He's evil," said Peter simply.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione climbed the steps to the entrance hall. Harry was still thinking about what Malfoy had said, while Ron was seething about Snape.

"Five points from Gryffindor because the potion was all right! Why didn't you lie, Hermione?"

"Because lying is a very bad thing to do," Remus said. "Well, except in cases where it would be better off to do so. Or if you feel like rebelling against Snape."

"Exactly. Sometimes you have to lie for good reasons," said Peter. "She should have lied."

" You should've said Neville did it all by himself!"

"Because he's a big kid now!" said James, snorting.

Hermione didn't answer. Ron looked around.

"Where is she?"

"In the bathroom?" said Peter.

"Studying, perhaps?" said Remus.

"Secretly practicing to try out for the Quidditch team?" James asked. "What? It could happen."

"Teaching Snivelly a lesson?" suggested Sirius. "I agree with Ron."

"So now you think he is cool again?" asked Remus.

"No. I haven't decided yet. I just said I agree."

Harry turned too. They were at the top of the steps now, watching the rest of the class pass them, heading for the Great Hall and lunch.

"She was right behind us," said Ron, frowning.

Malfoy passed them, walking between Crabbe and Goyle. He smirked at Harry and disappeared.

"Hey, don't you smirk and disappear at my son!" said James. "You smirky blonde!"

"Hey! What if Malfoy just kidnapped Hermione?" said Peter. "They'd better rescue her!"

"I think Hermione is smart enough that she would give him a good kick up the old arse if he tried to do that," said Sirius.

"Or other, more painful, body parts," James grumbled.

"Hermione could have just hexed him if she really needed to. Despite the house points she'd lose. Well, it would be worth it..." Remus said.

"But causing physical pain is just so much more fun!" Sirius added.

"There she is," said Harry.

Hermione was panting slightly, hurrying up the stairs; one hand clutched her bag, the other seemed to be tucking something down the front of her robes.

"Hmm..." said Peter. "Wonder why you would need to do that?"

"Well, I guess we can safely say she wasn't trying out for the Quidditch team," said James.

"How did you do that?" said Ron.

"She just put it down her robes, that's all," said Peter. "Whatever it was."

"No, he meant where did she go," said James.

"What?" said Hermione, joining them.

"One minute you were right behind us, the next moment, you were back at the bottom of the stairs again."

"Yeah, that was a little weird," Sirius said.

"What?" Hermione looked slightly confused. "Oh- I had to go back for something. Oh no-"

A seam had split on Hermione's bag.

"Well, that stinks," said Peter. "Now she'll have to go buy a new one."

"Says Mr. Obvious," said Sirius.

Peter glared at him. "Sometimes the obvious has to be pointed out, because it's not obvious enough for everyone else to see it."

Harry wasn't surprised; he could see that it was crammed with at least a dozen large and heavy books.

"Why are you carrying all these around with you?" Ron asked her.

"Because she's trying to build arm muscles since I don't think she's on the Quidditch team?" guessed James.

"You know how many subjects I'm taking," said Hermione breathlessly. "Couldn't hold these for me, could you?"

"But-" Ron was turning over the books she had handed him, looking at the covers. "You haven't got any of these subjects today. It's only Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon."

"Ooh, haha! We get to see Professor Moony in action!" said Sirius. "Well... not that kind of action. Because he hasn't got any. Far as we know, anyway."

Remus cleared his throat with a meaningful glare at Sirius. "Now, if you don't mind, I think we'll get back to the book's topic. Thank you."

"Always welcome, Moony," Sirius said, attempting a little innocent smile. "A pleasure."

"Oh yes," said Hermione vaguely, but she packed all the books back into her bag just the same. "I hope there's something good for lunch, I'm starving," she added, and she marched off toward the Great Hall.

"D'you get the feeling Hermione's not telling us something?" Ron asked Harry.

"Yes," said James. Then a second later, he said, exasperatedly, "Girls! You can never understand them!"

"Have you tried to understand Lily?" asked Remus.

"Somewhat," said James.

"Then there's your point."

"Oh, stop teaching me."

"Actually, I wasn't."

Professor Lupin-

Remus stopped, and a blissful expression passed over his face. "Sorry, I just like the ring of that," he told his friends. "Professor Lupin. It sounds so nice."

-wasn't there when they arrived at his first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson.

"Where are you?" inquired Sirius. "You've been talking about how great it is to be a professor and how to do the job and now you're not there! Where are you?"

"How am I supposed to know?" asked Remus.

"Because you're you!" said Sirius.

"That's really an ambiguous statement," Remus pointed out. "Are you saying that I would know because I should know where my future self is, or I would know because I'm me and you think that I tend to know the answer to everything?"

"See, now you're just confusing me on purpose!" Sirius said. "Just so I won't bother you about it anymore. That's annoying."

"I don't understand why everyone keeps disappearing!" James said. "First Hermione, then the smirky blonde, and now Professor Moony! Can't everyone just stay in one place?"

They all sat down, took out their books, quills, and parchment, and were talking when he finally entered the room. Lupin smiled vaguely and placed his tatty old briefcase on the teacher's desk. He was as shabby as ever but looked healthier than he had on the train, as though he had had a few square meals.

"That's sort of offensive," commented Remus, frowning. "It isn't my fault."

"We know," said James. "Just continue. You're already being so professor-ish by smiling at your students and putting your briefcase on the desk."

"Good afternoon," he said. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands."

"Why? What are you going to do?" asked Peter.

"Well, I don't know," Remus said, shrugging.

"But you should know. You're you!" said Sirius again. He then grinned. "Couldn't resist."

"Sure you couldn't," said Remus. "This is weird. Reading what I'm going to say. It's just kind of awkward, you know?"

"But you're doing fine at it," said James. "Don't worry. Keep going."

A few curious looks were exchanged as the class put away their books. They had never had a practical Defense Against the Dark Arts before, unless you counted the memorable class last year when their old teacher had brought a cageful of pixies to class and set them loose.

"That actually sounds fun," said James. "I hope Snivellus was there and they attacked him."

"I wonder if he did that on purpose," said Peter.

"Exactly," said Remus. "That's not responsibility at all!"

"But it's fun," said Sirius.

"Right then," said Professor Lupin-

Remus stopped again and started smiling to himself. "Again, sorry. It just sounds very nice."

-when everyone was reading. "If you'd follow me."

Puzzled but interested, the class got to its feet an d followed Professor Lupin-

And again Remus stopped.

"You okay, Moony?" Peter asked.

"Yes," said Remus. "That's the last time I'll do it, I promise. I just really like how it sounds. Plus, it's still kind of weird realizing what I'll be doing years from now and reading about it now."

"I can relate," grunted Sirius.

-out of the classroom. He led them along the deserted corridor and around a corner, where the first thing they saw was Peeves the Poltergeist, who was floating upside down in midair and stuffing the nearest keyhole with chewing gum.

"I guess he just doesn't get tired of that one," Peter groaned. "Do you know how many times I've been late to class because of that stupid game?"

"I keep telling him that he needs to put a new spin on it!" said Sirius. "You know, like stuffing the chewing gum into Snivelly's hair instead? Or his butt? Either one works for me."

Peeves didn't look up until Professor Lupin was two feet away; then he wiggled his curly-toed feet and broke into song.

Remus stopped again.

"Don't tell me, it said the name 'Professor Lupin' again?" asked James.

"No," said Remus, shaking his head. His eyes glanced around the next lines on the page. "It's just... Wow, can't believe he's still doing it..."

"What?" asked Sirius. Without waiting for an answer, he leaned over and took the book from Remus and looked around until he found what they were about to read. "Hey! I know this song!"

"What song?" asked James, and he too leaned over just slightly so he could read. "Oh, that song..."

"Which song?" said Peter, who also leaned over to read what James and Sirius were looking at. "Oh. The song."

"Sorry, Moony," said James.

"It's okay," said Remus. "It's just quite an annoying song. You've no idea how many times I've heard it."

"Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin..." sang Peter under his breath.

Remus glared at him. Once Peter saw this, he stopped.

"Sorry. The melody is really catchy," said Peter sheepishly.

"Well, since Wormtail's already sang the song, guess I'll just skip over that bit," said Remus, taking the book back from Sirius.

Rude and unmanageable as he almost always was, Peeves usually showed some respect toward the teachers. Everyone looked quickly at Professor Lupin to see how he would take this; to their surprise, he was still smiling.

"Yes, Moony, that's the way to behave!" said Sirius. "Smile! As you so often do, anyway. Except for those times you give me the Lupin-Glare-of-Death. You should really stop with those ones..."

"I'd take that gum out of the keyhole if I were you, Peeves," he said pleasantly. "Mr. Filch won't be able to get in to his brooms."

Filch was the Hogwarts caretaker, a bad-tempered, failed wizard who waged a constant war against the students and, indeed, Peeves. However, Peeves paid no attention to Professor Lupin's words, except to blow a loud wet raspberry.

"Even though I enjoy him when he taunts Snivellus, I still say Peeves needs an intervention," said James flatly.

Professor Lupin gave a small sigh and took out his wand.

"This a useful little spell," he told the class over his shoulder. "Please watch closely."

"Ooh, what are you going to do?" asked Peter.

"Will you stop asking me that?" said Remus. "I don't know!"

"Sorry."
He raised the wand to shoulder height, said, "Waddiwasi!" and pointed it at Peeves.

With the fore of a bullet, the wad of chewing gum shot out of the keyhole and straight down Peeves's left nostril; he whiled upright and zoomed away, cursing.

"Awesome, Moony!" said Sirius. "You got rid of Peeves. Didn't think you had it in you."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" asked Remus.

"Just that I didn't think we'd rubbed our influences on you enough to make you cast funny little spells on people. Clearly, I'm wrong," said Sirius.

"Clearly," Remus grinned.

"Cool, sir!" said Dean Thomas in amazement.

"Look, Moony, they're in amazement of you," said James encouragingly.

Remus couldn't help but beam.

"Thank you, Dean," said Professor Lupin, putting his wand away again. "Shall we proceed?"

"I think we shall," Sirius said cheerily.

They set off again, the class looking at shabby Professor Lupin with increased respect.

"And glad to hear that," said Remus. "As it seems they think of me as just their shabby looking teacher. Suppose they're right, though."

"Oh, who cares about your robes?" said Sirius. "Keep reading."

He led them down a second corridor and stopped, right outside the staffroom door.

"So. What are you going to do?" asked Peter.

"I don't know!" said Remus. "I told you! I wouldn't know the answer!"

"Inside, please," said Professor Lupin, opening it and standing back.

The staffroom, a long, paneled room full of old, mismatched chairs, was empty except for one teacher. Professor Snape was sitting in a low armchair, and he looked around as the class filed in.

"Hey, this is Moony's class, so get your greasy self out, Snivellus!" shouted Sirius.

"Yeah, what's he doing here?" said Peter.

His eyes were glittering and there was a nasty sneer playing around his mouth.

"But isn't there always?" asked James in a mock questioning tone.

"That glittering eye thing sounds so creepy!" repeated Peter. "Why must his eyes constantly glitter?"

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Glitter wouldn't look good on Snivellus. But nothing does, anyway."

As Professor Lupin came in and made to close the door behind him, Snape said, "Leave it open, Lupin. I'd rather not witness this."

"Good. Get out," repeated Sirius. "You don't belong here. Get back in your dungeon of doom, and let Moony teach his lesson. A lesson that will be so much better than yours."

"Well, I don't know, Sirius," said Remus. "I mean, while Snape may not have the best personality for teaching, we do know he's quite good at potions anyway--"

"Your lesson will be better, Moony! And that's that!"

He got to his feet and strode past the class, his black robes billowing behind him. At the doorway he turned on his heel and said, "Possibly no one's warned you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."

"Oh, now that's not very nice!" said Remus, frowning. "I do hope I have a pleasant comeback for Snape."

"Yes, that's the spirit!" said Sirius. "Even though... well, you don't exactly have the best comebacks, Remus..."

"Oh, thanks."

"No, it's nothing personal," added Sirius, shaking his head. "It's just they can't match up to mine. And anyway, you're not that kind of person who enjoys biting back at other people's words."

"Biting back?"

"Oh... You know what I mean!"

Neville went scarlet. Harry glared at Snape; it was bad enough that he bullied Neville in his own classes, let alone doing it in front of other teachers.

"Go away, Snivellus. Leave Neville alone!" added James.

Professor Lupin had raised his eyebrows.

"I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation," he said, "and I am sure he will perform it admirably."

"Aww, Moony, you're so nice," said Peter.

"Well... I guess that was a good comeback," Sirius said. "You know. Since you're you."

"And since you're you," Remus went on, "I suppose this was your way of carrying on a joke. You know. Since you're you."

Sirius moaned. "Oh, no, Moony, now you've just ruined it. Completely ruined it."

"And how did I do that?"

"Because you said it, and you're you! You fun-sucker, sometimes you can make everything un-fun."

"How lovely. I see you're carrying on 'fun-sucker' too," said Remus.

"Yes I am," Sirius said. "But don't say it. You're killing it, Remus. You're-- Well, you could insert a spell name that I won't say here- but that's what you're doing to it. That. You're doing that thing it does."

Remus shook his head. "I didn't think it was possible for you to get any more vague and continuous today, and yet you continue to astound me."

Neville's face went, if possible, even redder. Snape's lip curled, but he left, shutting the door with a snap.

"Now, then," said Professor Lupin, beckoning the class toward the end of the room, where there was nothing but an old wardrobe where the teachers kept their spare robes. As Professor Lupin went to stand next to it, the wardrobe gave a sudden wobble, banging off the wall.

"Nothing to worry about," said Professor Lupin calmly because a few people had jumped backward in alarm. "There's a boggart in there."

Peter grumbled. "Not boggarts..."

"Well, don't worry. I'm going to teach them all how to take care of a boggart easily, and everyone is going to be happy about it," said Remus. "Erm, I hope."

"Course they are," said James. "Why wouldn't they? I don't think there's any un-happy way you can teach people about defending themselves against a boggart."

"Of course there is!" Remus snapped. "You do have to face your fear. And that's certainly not very enjoyable."

Most people seemed to feel that this was something to worry about. Neville gave Professor Lupin a look of pure terror, and Seamus Finnigan eyed the now rattling doorknob apprehensively.

"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces," said Professor Lupin. "Wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under the sinks- I've even met one that had lodged itself into a grandfather clock."

The four boys started laughing.

"I assume you're talking about the one at my house?" asked Sirius. "I hate that thing. But it was really funny when you guys were over and the boggart was there."

"Especially when you're mum started going nuts!" chuckled Peter.

"Of course, I did get rid of it at the end," said James, putting on a bunch of arrogant pride for laughs, and glancing over at Sirius, but then quickly back away.

"Well, yes, and that boggart turning into a person from St. Mungo's saying that you'd fallen a thousand feet on your broomstick and would never be able to fly or play Quidditch again was really very amusing," added Remus.

"That wasn't amusing!" snapped James. "That was sad! Can you imagine me not being able to play Quidditch ever again?"

"I can," said Peter. "And I'm having a really funny image here."

"This one moved in yesterday afternoon, and I asked the headmaster if the staff would leave it to give my third years some practice.

"So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a boggart?"

Remus paused, and then smiled at his friends. "So, can any of you tell me?"

"Great, you're going to be teaching us during the whole book, aren't you?" asked Sirius.

"No. Just practicing for my future career."

"I want to keep hearing the story. So, a boggart is a creature that takes different shapes to scare people," answered James.

"Hmm..." said Remus, acting as if he really was teaching his friends. "I think you could've answered it better than that. But anyway, let's keep reading."

Hermione put up her hand.

"It's a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most."

"Couldn't have put it better myself," said Professor Lupin, and Hermione glowed.

"Oho!" called out Sirius. "Favoritism!"

"I'm not favoring anyone!" said Remus. "I'm just saying that she did a good job answering! Which, she did. You need to learn some teaching methods, Padfoot."

Sirius shook his head. "No, thanks."

"Speaking of favoritism, how about you favor Harry?" said James.

"I could, but that'd be wrong," Remus said sternly. "I can't just favor him because he's my best friend's son!"

"Excuse me," said James. "But I wouldn't put it past Snivellus to hate Harry because he hates me. So show some favoritism, already!"

"So the boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet assumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears.

"This means," said Professor Lupin, choosing to ignore Neville's small sputter of terror, "that we have a huge advantage over the boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?"

"Now wait a minute!" said James immediately. "As good a teacher as you're being, Moony, you can't just call on my son when he doesn't have his hand raised!"

"I thought you wanted me to favor him?" Remus asked. "When you are a teacher and you favor a student, generally this means that you will call on them for the answer a lot."

"I don't know what kind of favoritism you're doing, then," said Sirius. "Because my idea of favoritism is when the teacher just lets you sit there, copy off people's notes, and leaves you alone."

"I guess you've got one out of three of those favoritism aspects, now haven't you?" Remus answered before turning back to James. "Anyway, maybe Harry did have his hand raised."

"Well, then that'd be good," shrugged James. "But if he doesn't, then why are you calling on him?"

"To make sure he's not turning out just like his father?" Remus laughed.

"I resent that. Turning out like me isn't bad at all!"

"Yes, well, you do have some redeeming qualities. And again, I thought you wanted me to favor Harry."

"Yes!" answered James. "But not by putting him on the spot like that! That wasn't nice!"

Trying to answer a question with Hermione next to him, bobbing up and down on the balls of her feet with her hand in the air, was very off-putting, but Harry had a go.

"Aha. Sounds like he didn't raise his hand after all!" said James. "You put him on the spot!"

"At least I've made him actively use his brain, and not turn it off until finals when he actually has to start studying, and then miraculously passes," said Remus.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say that was a sneaky remark about my studying habits," said Sirius.

"Well, do you know any better?"

"I bet you'd like to know that."

"Er- because there are so many of us, it won't know what shape it should be?"

"Precisely," said Professor Lupin, and Hermione put her hand down, looking a little disappointed.

"And look! He wasn't prepared but he still got it right!" James gushed. "Oh, he makes me so proud."

"We know, Prongs," said Peter. "We know."

"It's always best to have company when you're dealing with a boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a boggart make that very mistake- tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening."

"When was that?" asked Peter.

"I don't know," said Remus. "Must be sometime in the future."

"Well, it's definitely not me," said Sirius. "I'm not afraid of any flesh-eating slug! Or a headless corpse!"

"The charm that repels a boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a boggart is laughter. What you need to do is force it to assume a shape that you find amusing.

"We will practice the charm without wands first. After me please...riddikulus!"

"Riddikulus!" cried James, Sirius, and Peter.

Remus smiled. "I guess there's hope for you guys after all," he joked, although he was really grateful that they were playing along with him.

"There's always hope when you're being taught by a great teacher," said James.

"Yes, can you start teaching now?" asked Sirius. "I'm so bored of Professor Giles."

Remus laughed at them. "You all know quite well that I can't teach now. I'm only sixteen, and we're just going into our sixth year."

"But, you're right to the point, usually," said Peter. "And Professor Giles just goes on and on and on..."

Remus smiled at them all again. "Oh. Hmm. That sounds quite a bit like Sirius, don't you think?" he added to Peter.

"Hey! I do not go on and on and on and on!" Sirius protested. "Where would you get this idea from? That's unheard of. I may like to talk a lot sometimes, but saying I go on and on and on and on is an exaggeration. Though there may be a few exceptions depending on what I am going on and on and on about and to whom, but--"

"Look at that," said Peter. "You're going on and on and on and on again."

"Riddikulus!" said the class together.

"Good," said Professor Lupin. "Very good. But that was the easy part, I'm afraid. You see, the word alone is not enough. And this is where you come in, Neville."

"Why, what are you going to do?" asked James.

"You all seem to have a habit of asking me questions that I don't know the answer to yet," commented Remus lightly.

"We just happen to have inquisitive minds because of you," said James.

Remus chuckled. "I'm flattered."

The wardrobe shook again, though not as much as Neville, who walked forward as though he were heading for the gallows.

"Right, Neville," said Professor Lupin. "First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"

"That's kind of mean," said Peter. "Asking him in the middle of the class so that everyone knows!"

"Well, if this is about boggarts, then everyone's going to see everyone's fears anyway," said Remus quickly.

"Then I'll get to know what Harry fears most?" said James.

"I suppose so," answered Remus.

"Yes! More things I get to know about my son!" cried James.

Neville's lips moved, but no noise came out.

"Oh no," said Sirius. "Maybe someone put a silencing charm on him."

"Didn't catch that, Neville, sorry," said Professor Lupin cheerfully.

Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper, "Professor Snape."

All four boys broke into laughter. Even Remus did, he couldn't help himself. Although, it wasn't as loud as the laughter coming from James and Sirius.

"Oh, I just knew Snivellus would be some kid's nightmare, I knew it!" said Sirius, trying to talk while laughing. "You better make this one good, Moony. We will laugh at him until we can laugh no longer!"

"It'll serve him right for scaring kids!" cried James.

"He will get his lesson!" added Peter.

Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically. Professor Lupin, however, looked thoughtful.

"Professor Snape...hmmm...Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"

"Er- yes," said Neville nervously. "But- I don't want the boggart to turn into her either."

"Aww, that just stinks," said Peter. "Neville's afraid of Snape, his grandmother, and he nearly killed his toad by not doing his potion right. He's sure having a bad day, isn't he?"

"You realize that we could just solve this all by murdering Snivellus, right?" said James.

Sirius shifted uncomfortably, looking torn between pleasure and discontent. "Erm..."

"No, no, you misunderstand me," said Professor Lupin, now smiling. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"

Neville looked startled, but said, "Well...always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top."

"Which is what I don't understand," said James. "Tell us, Professor Moony, why does Neville's grandmother wear a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on top?"

"Because old women tend to make bad fashion choices?" said Remus, giving a guess. "I really don't know."

"I think she got that idea from Aunt Elladora," said Sirius miserably. "She likes to wear tall hats with house-elf heads on top."

"And a long dress...green, normally...and sometimes a fox-fur scarf."

"Great," said Sirius. "So we have a hat with a stuffed vulture and a scarf of fox fur. These are certainly some...interesting clothing choices. Very interesting. So interesting that I would call them strange, and then, better yet, bizarre."

"How about we just call them tacky?" suggested Peter.

"And a handbag?" prompted Professor Lupin.

"A big red one," said Neville.

"Right then," said Professor Lupin. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind's eye?"

"Oh, I know I can," said Sirius. "This is just like recalling visits to Aunt Elladora's..."

"Yes," said Neville uncertainly, plainly wondering what was coming next.

"When the boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees you, it will assume the form of Professor Snape," said Lupin.

"Yes, every kid's fantasy!" mocked James. "Seeing a teacher that scares them coming out of a wardrobe!"

"That's just creepy!" cried Peter. "It's bad enough if a monster or something comes out of your closet, but Snape coming out is even worse!"

"And you will raise your wand- thus- and cry 'Riddikulus'- and concentrate hard on your grandmother's clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, and that green dress, with that big red hand bag."

The four boys began laughing again, but much harder. This time, it sent James and Sirius especially into hysterics. They both fell down on the floor. James was laughing too hard to talk.

Sirius, on the other hand, managed to bark out, between laughs, "Moony, I think I love you."

Remus choked on his laughter, and had to be patted several times on the back by the ever-guffawing Peter before he could regain his quiet dignity.

"Padfoot," he said, panting between words. "You do not say things like that when a person is busy laughing! It only causes them to almost die!"

"Sorry!" said Sirius, who was still trying to stop laughing. "But, you know, if we weren't both guys, um, obviously, I would. That is the best idea I have ever heard of!" he added, and fell back into hysterics again.

Several minutes later, all four of the boys were quiet again, but their cheek muscles ached and their faces were flushed red from all the laughter.

"As I was saying," said Sirius, "that is the best thing I have ever heard of. Snivelly in a dress...Ooh, that's going to be a hoot."

"If only we could actually see it," whined Peter.

"Yeah!" said James excitedly. "Because if we could, then I'd take a picture. And then, I vote: blackmail!"

Peter and Sirius started laughing again. Remus snorted against his will before putting on a stern face and saying, "Prongs!"

"I'm just joking, of course!" said James. "It's not like we get to see it anyway..." He pouted.

"Then it's time once again for the limitless bounds of your imagination," said Remus. "Back to the story we go."

There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently.

"If Neville is successful, the boggart is likely to shift his attention to each of us in turn," said Professor Lupin. "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical..."

The room went quiet. Harry thought...What scared him most in the world?

"Tell me!" cried James.

"Snape?" suggested Peter.

"No, not Snape!" said James, waving his hand impatiently. "Harry can't be afraid of Snape! He has to be strong enough to get revenge on Snape for me! No, it has to be something else..."

His first thought was Lord Voldemort- a Voldemort returned to full strength.

"Oh...Poor, Harry," said James solemnly.

"Let's all just be glad he isn't too active at the moment," said Sirius.

"That's right..." said Peter, but he too looked worried.

But before he had even started to plan a possible counterattack on a boggart-Voldemort, a horrible image came floating to the surface of his mind...

"Boggart-V-Voldemort wearing... moldy shorts?" gasped Peter.

"No, that'd be funny," said Sirius, smacking Peter on the back of the head.

A rotting, glistening hand, slithering back beneath a black cloak...a long, rattling breath from an unseen mouth... then a cold so penetrating it felt like drowning...

"It can't be the dementors!" yelled James. "Harry, what are you going to do? Hmm... Maybe you can make them do an interpretive dance routine."

"Or tell you how to plant your garden," said Peter.

Harry shivered, then looked around, hoping no one had noticed. Many people had their eyes shut tight. Ron was muttering to himself, "Take its legs off." Harry was sure he knew what that was about. Ron's greatest fear was spiders.

"That wouldn't be any better!" said Peter. "A spider without legs would just be worse!"

"Everyone ready?" said Professor Lupin.

Harry felt a lurch of fear. He wasn't ready.

"Stop, Moony, stop. Harry isn't ready!" said James.

"Well, my future self doesn't know that, I can't read his mind!" Remus told him.

"Then become a Legilimens! Then you'll realize that Harry isn't ready."

How could you make a dementor less frightening?

"Maybe they could do an interpretive dance routine!" suggested Peter.

"They glide, Peter!" said Sirius. "Thus, they have no feet or legs and so they can't dance!"

"You don't have to just dance with your feet!" Peter said. "They could... twirl and stuff. And they could still tell you how to plant a garden."

"Yeah, if they didn't destroy it," said Sirius.

But he didn't want to ask for more time; everyone else was nodding and rolling up their sleeves.

"I feel really bad now," said Remus. "What happens when the boggart comes to Harry and he's not ready?"

"You should have thought of that before you asked if everyone was ready, shouldn't you?" said James.

"Let's just hope Harry is a fast thinker then," Remus continued. "And if he's anything like you, Prongs, which I'm sure he is, then he will be."

"Neville, we're going to back away," said Professor Lupin. "Let you have a clear field, all right? I'll call the next person forward...Everyone back, now, so Neville can get a clear shot-"

They all retreated, backed against the walls, leaving Neville alone beside the wardrobe. He looked pale and frightened, but he had pushed up the sleeves of his robes and was holding his wand ready.

"I'm still not understanding how pushing up the sleeves of your robes makes you braver," said Sirius.

"But you do it all the time," pointed out Peter.

"So?" asked Sirius.

"On the count of three, Neville," said Professor Lupin, who was pointing his own wand at the handle of the wardrobe. "One- two- three- now!"

A jet of sparks shot from the end of Professor Lupin's wand and hit the doorknob. The wardrobe burst open. Hook-nosed and menacing, Professor Snape stepped out, his eyes flashing at Neville.

Sirius began snickering, in the sort of way he did whenever he'd just been thinking about something dirty. However, it was only James who knew this kind of laugh, and so Peter and Remus both looked at him curiously.

"What do you find so funny about Snivelly scaring a little boy?" asked Peter.

"The fact that Snivelly is actually scary?" snickered James.

"Teehee. You're so funny," said Remus dryly.

"No, not that, but that's a good point," said Sirius. "See, what's funny is that Snape just came out of the wardrobe. Which is like a closet. So Snape just came out of the closet." He began grinning and trying to stifle his laughter.

Remus still didn't get it. "Er, so?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. James was now biting on the inside of his cheek, trying not to laugh but failing.

"So," repeated Sirius, very slowly. "Snape just came out of the closet."

A ten second pause, and then Peter began laughing. Remus stared at him. And then fifteen seconds later--

"Oh for Merlin's sake, you all have the sick mind of a horny teenager!" snapped Remus. "I don't think that was a very funny joke at all!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Uh, Moony?" His index finger was out, pointing at his body and waving the finger up and down, indicating himself.

"Oh yes, that's right, I forgot you already are," said Remus briskly. "In that case, you have the mind of a mentally disordered flobberworm."

"That's not nice to say!" Sirius looked at his friend shrewdly. "Whatever happened to that thing where you said nice things about people?"

"Well, that was before I got stuck in a room all day today with you, reading you a book to which you added in your own derogatory comments."

"They weren't all like that!" said Sirius. "You gotta admit. Some of them were true. And besides. You're adding your own mean comments now!"

"Only because you started being like that in the first place. What do you expect me to say?"

" 'Here, Sirius, I'll write all your essays in the first month of school?'" he suggested.

Remus tutted. "I think you've fallen asleep. Do us a favor and wake up and cheer on Neville, will you?"

"Uh... go, Neville!" yelled Sirius.

Neville backed away, his wand up, mouthing wordlessly.

"Come on, Neville, you can do it!" encouraged Remus.

"Yes, go and teach Snivellus a lesson," added James.

Snape was bearing down upon him, reaching inside his robes.

"R-r-riddikulus!" squeaked Neville.

There was a noise like a whip crack. Snape stumbled; he was wearing a long, lace-trimmed dress and a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and he was swinging a huge crimson handbag.

The boys started laughing again.

"I really wish I had that camera for blackmailing," James sighed.

"Haha, the dress has lace on it and the vulture is moth-eaten!" said Peter. "This just gets better and better!"

"Snivellus the drag queen!" cried Sirius. "Oh, I think I'll call him that anyway this year just to confuse him... I mean, he's already got the long hair... I knew he had to be a drag-queen! Or gay! His eyes glittered!"

There was a roar of laughter; the boggart paused, confused, and Professor Lupin shouted, "Parvati! Forward!"

"No!" yelled Sirius. "I'm having too much fun laughing at my image of Snivellus in that dress!"

"You're never going to forget that part, are you?" said Remus.

"Nope," said Sirius happily. "That's made my day."

Parvati walked forward, her face set. Snape rounded on her. There was another crack, and where he had stood was a bloodstained, bandaged mummy; its sightless face was turning to Parvati and it began to walk toward her very slowly, dragging its feet, its stiff arms rising-

"I want my mummy!" cried James, laughing at this joke lamely.

"Pft, now that was ridiculous," said Sirius.

"Riddikulus!" cried Parvati.

A bandage unraveled at the mummy's feet; it became entangled, fell face forward, and its head rolled off.

"Wish that could happen to Snivelly," mumbled Sirius.

"Seamus!" roared Professor Lupin.

Seamus darted past Parvati.

Crack! Where the mummy had been was a woman with floor-length black hair and a skeletal, green-tinged face- a banshee. She opened her mouth wide and an unearthly sound filled the room, a long, wailing shriek that made the hair on Harry's head stand on end-

"Okay, now I'm glad I'm not there," said James. "But I'd quickly suggest that we lock Snivelly in a room with her!"

"Yeah, maybe then he'll actually get some action," Sirius said, elbowing James. "Even if he is gay." Remus smacked Sirius in the head with the book again.

"Oh, my poor, delicate ears!"

"Your precious ears look perfectly fine to me."

"Riddikulus!" shouted Seamus.

The banshee made a rasping noise and clutched her throat; her voice was gone.

Crack! The banshee turned into a rat, which chased its tail in a circle-

"Which I would certainly never do," said Peter stiffly.

"What do you mean?" asked James, tilting his head to the side. "I swear I've seen you do that once."

"Maybe because I was bored!" retorted Peter. "I mean... when you get bored, there's really not much you can do as a rat..."

-then- crack!- became a rattlesnake, which slithered and writhed before- crack!- becoming a single bloody eyeball.

"Ooh! I saw that in a Muggle movie one time!" Peter said. "It was--" he changed his voice to a creepy pitch "--gooooory."

"It's confused!" shouted Lupin. "We're getting there! Dean!"

Dean hurried forward.

Crack! The eyeball became a severed hand, which flipped over and began to creep along the floor like a crab.

Peter gave a little shudder. "I can't imagine having your hand severed."

James was looking dreamy. "But I can sure imagine severing off Severus's... ha! Get it?"

"Riddikulus!" yelled Dean.

There was a snap, and the hand was trapped in a mousetrap.

"And that's what we would do with the hand after we severed it off!" said James.

"Excellent! Ron, you next!"

Ron leapt forward.

Crack!

Quite a few people screamed. A giant spider, six feet tall and covered in hair, was advancing on Ron, clicking its pincers menacingly. For a moment, Harry thought Ron had frozen. Then-

"Riddikulus!" bellowed Ron, and the spider's legs vanished; it rolled over and over;-

"Hey! Good idea!" said Sirius. "Maybe we can find a spell to make it look like Snivelly has no arms. And no legs. And then we can make him roll over and over and over and over!"

Remus shook his head but continued reading.

--Lavender Brown squealed and ran out of its way and it came to a halt at Harry's feet. He raised his wand, ready, but-

"Here!" shouted Professor Lupin suddenly, hurrying forward.

"What did you do that for?" James shouted at Remus. "Harry was just about to face the boggart, and you stopped him!"

"Erm... I'm not sure! Stop asking questions that I can't possibly know the answers to yet!" said Remus. "But, you said yourself that you didn't want Harry to have to face it without being prepared first!"

"But not with everyone seeing you deliberately stopping him!" protested James.

Remus did not know what to say to this, so he kept on reading.

Crack!

The legless spider had vanished. For a second, everyone looked wildly around to see where it was. Then they saw a silvery-white orb hanging in the air in front of Lupin, who said, "Riddikulus!" almost lazily.

"How teacher-ish of you," said Peter. "Letting the whole class see your worst fear so that you can stop the boggart."

"Good to hear I was perfectly calm and collected there," said Remus. "Especially since they all ended up seeing that evil thing. I hope none of them figure it out." He then stopped, looking fearful.

"They're not going to," said Sirius quickly. "They couldn't even find where the boggart went. I doubt they even care what your boggart looks like. They're all too busy having fun." He smiled hopefully at his friend.

"Perhaps," replied Remus half-heartedly. "But I knew some of this wouldn't be a very happy lesson at all. Though I did seem to be very experienced handling it... I suppose I will in a few years."

Crack!

"Forward, Neville, and finish him off!" said Lupin as the boggart landed on the floor as a cockroach.

"Ha ha, cockroaches are kind of funny, even if they're gross too," said Peter.

"I wonder why it became a cockroach?" Remus asked himself aloud.

"Maybe because I've just been inspired to put cockroaches in Snivelly's clothes one day, and you'll think it's the funniest thing ever," said Sirius.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Or, maybe not."

Crack! Snape was back.

"Yes! The return of drag-queen Snape!" Sirius and James cheered at the same time.

This time Neville charged forward looking determined.

"Look at that. It sounds like Neville has some more confidence now," said Remus. "I'm happy for him. He really needed it after that potions lesson."

"Riddikulus!" he shouted, and they had a split second's view of Snape in his lacy dress before Neville let out a great "Ha!" of laughter, and the boggart exploded, burst into a thousand tiny wisps of smoke, and was gone.

"Excellent!" cried Professor Lupin as the class broke into applause. "Excellent, Neville. Well done, everyone...Let me see... five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the boggart- ten for Neville because he did it twice... and five each to Hermione and Harry."

"But I didn't do anything," said Harry.

"Wow. Harry sounded awfully negative and whiny," said James, shaking his head. "Even though it's true. Because someone" -he coughed at Remus- "didn't let Harry face the boggart!"

"I bet I had a good reason!" Remus insisted. "Like... er... ah, yes! Maybe I am a Legilimens and I realized that Harry needed more time, so I decided to just not have him go at all! There!"

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure. You just made that up!"

"You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class, Harry," Lupin said lightly.

Remus looked knowingly at James.

"Okay, well, Harry did do that."

"Very well, everyone, an excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on boggarts and summarize it for me... to be handed in on Monday. That will be all."

"You know, Moony," said Sirius. "An even better teacher wouldn't give any homework."

"Be quiet, you," said Remus.

Talking excitedly, the class left the staffroom. Harry, however, wasn't feeling cheerful. Professor Lupin had deliberately stopped him from tackling the boggart. Why?

"I'd like to know!" added James.

Was it because he'd seen Harry collapse on the train, and thought he wasn't up to much? Had he thought Harry would collapse again?

"Well, do you?" James asked Remus assertively.

"Of course I don't!" said Remus. "And I don't think my future self does either!"

But no one else seemed to have noticed anything.

"I guess that's good," said James. "It must turn out that when students are ignorant, it can be a good thing."

"I should hope that means no one else noticed what my boggart turned into," said Remus thoughtfully. "Hopefully they're very proud of their own ability and will just reflect on that."

"Did you see me take that banshee?" shouted Seamus.

"And the hand!" said Dean, waving his own around.

"And Snape in that hat!"

"We should buy him one for Christmas," suggested Peter. "It'd be a thoughtful gift."

"It's be a hilarious gift, that's what," corrected James.

"I think we should buy him the dress," Sirius said. "This way Snivelly can get a head start on his drag queen reputation."

"And my mummy!"

"Yes, her mother must be frightening too... haha!" James said.

"Oh, come on, James. That joke isn't even funny," said Peter. "Now that was stupid."

"I wonder why Professor Lupin's frightened of crystal balls?" said Lavender thoughtfully.

"You stand corrected," Remus told Sirius.

"Uh... well..." began Sirius, "she thinks you're afraid of crystal balls. Not the moon. So nothing to worry about!"

"Let's just hope she doesn't get too thoughtful, hmm?" said Remus.

"Her? Thoughtful?" asked James. "She already seems like a dummy..."

"That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron excitedly as they made their way back to the classroom get their bags.

As Remus read, he couldn't help smiling slightly.

"He seems like a very good teacher," said Hermione approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart-"

"What would it have been for you?" said Ron, sniggering. "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?"

"Bet so," said Sirius.

"And so ends chapter seven," said Remus, still smiling.

"Even though you stopped Harry from facing the boggart, I really have to say that you make an awesome teacher, Moony," said James.

"I think you could kick Professor Giles out anytime," said Peter.

"See, you were born to be a professor," said Sirius. "You're great! Much better at this than I'd ever be."

Remus smiled at his friends. "Thanks, you guys."

Then suddenly, an idea occurred to him. Remus frowned.

"What's wrong?" asked Sirius.

"I'm really not a good teacher at all," he sighed.

"Yes you are!" said James. "Believe me!"

"Well..." said Remus. "I might believe you if you and Padfoot make up and stop being so angry at each other."

"I can't do that!" said James, going cross.

"And neither can I!" said Sirius huffily.

"Oh, yes you can," said Remus. "I saw both of you during the chapter. You were nearly acting as if you were best friends again. In fact, there were times when you were. Prongs, we all know Padfoot very well, and we know he'd never be a murderer-"

"Thanks for mentioning it again," interrupted Sirius.

"Sorry," said Remus, and then continued, "-so there must be some sort of reasoning for this to have happened. Padfoot, Prongs is just excited and concerned for the son he just found out he has, and already it's sad that Harry doesn't have his parents, so he's just very worried again. You guys can't stay angry forever."

"What if we can?" they both asked at the same time.

"Then on the next full moon night, which is two nights from now I'll remind you, I see a little stag and a little black dog getting their arses made into grass," said Remus casually.

"Oh, fine," said James. He turned to Sirius. "Sorry mate."

"Yeah, you too," said Sirius. "I really don't want to be a... a murderer, you know."

"I know. Must be hard," said James.

"Now shake," added Remus.

"What?" they asked.

"Do I see a month's worth of detentions too?" said Remus ominously.

Sirius and James shook hands, then started laughing at the silliness of it all.

"Good to see you two back again," said Remus.

"Sure is," said Peter. "It was kind of weird not seeing you guys talk with each other."

James and Sirius looked at Remus and Peter, and then just started laughing again.

"Yes, I think they're definitely back," nodded Remus.

With no hard feelings in the group and laughter filling the room, they were all ready to go on to the next chapter and enjoy themselves.

It was just too bad they didn't have many chapters left that they would enjoy.