How It Can Go Wrong

Harry stumbled down the stairs early one Saturday morning to join Ron and Hermione in a Potions homework marathon. When he entered the common room with his arms full of books, he found Hermione engrossed in an enormous volume called The Enormous Book of Potions, Vol. 1. Ron, however, was standing in front of the notice board reading a piece of parchment that had been recently pinned up. His brow was furrowed.

"Harry, mate, what do you s'pose this means?" he asked. Harry went to join him. The announcement was in Professor McGonagall's handwriting. It read:

On Monday, February 14^th, all 6^th year students

will be required to attend a seminar entitled:

"Adolescent Interaction and How It Can Go Wrong."

Please report to the Astronomy Tower at 8:00 pm sharp.

Harry gave Ron an uncomprehending look. "I have no idea," he said.

"D'you reckon it has something to do with not beating people up over Quidditch?" Ron mused. There was a loud, exasperated sigh from Hermione, and she stood up and walked over to join them.

"You're honestly telling me you have no idea what this is about?" she said, eyebrows raised.

"I had an idea!" Ron exclaimed hotly. "I said maybe it has something to do with Quid--"

"Is Quidditch all you ever think about?" Hermione asked impatiently.

"Er...maybe it's about...you know..." Harry said.

Ron and Hermione gave him blank stares. He leaned in and whispered something to them. Ron's eyes lit up.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed as Ron and Harry dissolved into laughter. "It is not about that! Can you imagine Professor McGonagall teaching us about...that?"

"And besides, I think most of us have already learned what we need to know, one way or another," said Ron, still sniggering. Hermione glared at him. "I mean, not by experience, necessarily..." He trailed off under Hermione's furious gaze.

"Well, if I were you I'd be suspicious of anything Fred and George had to say on the topic," Harry said.

"Oh. Well, of course I don't believe what they say," Ron replied, looking as though that was not at all the case. Hermione had sat back down at the table and Ron and Harry went over to join her.

"Well, Hermione, if you're so sure it's not about that, then what is it about?" Ron asked.

"I expect it has something to do with inter-house cooperation and unity," she said briskly. "Everyone knows we could do with a reminder about that. No, not that!" she said as Ron and Harry both snorted loudly.

"She's probably right, you know," Ron said, opening The Extended Potions Notes: Stuff You Probably Should've Learned Already. "Either way, we'll find out on Monday."

***

Monday night after supper Harry, Ron, and Hermione climbed up to the Astronomy Tower, where the other sixth-years were debating furiously about the topic of the evening's seminar while waiting outside of the classroom.

"It's about how to recognize Death Eaters among us," said Neville, looking nervously at the Slytherins.

"I know it's difficult for you, Longbottom," said Draco Malfoy, "but don't be daft. They're releasing the list of students who've failed all their Potions exams and are being expelled." Neville looked even more nervous.

"Obviously," said Ernie Macmillan, "they're bringing in Muggle psychology specialists--"

The trapdoor in the ceiling opened, cutting Ernie off and leaving everybody looking oddly at him as they climbed up the ladder.

As Harry and Ron took their seats with the other Gryffindors they saw Snape and McGonagall sitting at the front of the class and exchanged a dark look. When the last students had filed in, a hush fell and an odd tension filled the room.

McGonagall stood up and cleared her throat. "This evening we are fulfilling a new decree that the Ministry, in its infinite wisdom, has issued. We will be discussing an age-old topic which has troubled students of this school throughout its existence." Hermione gave Harry and Ron a very superior look; Ron rolled his eyes at Harry. Snape was looking exceptionally Snape-like while glowering from a chair behind McGonagall.

"Tonight's workshop is designed to educate all of you about..." She paused for a moment. "...romantic interactions between young people."

There was a shocked silence and then everyone broke into conversation simultaneously. Ron and Hermione looked incredulously at Harry. Harry shrugged modestly.

"Shut up," sneered Snape from his chair. McGonagall gave him a displeased look.

She continued, "I'm sure at your age all of you have had certain...feelings." There was an outbreak of sniggering. McGonagall glared; Hermione looked horrified.

"Tonight we will teach you how to act or not act on these feelings accordingly, and how to minimize harm to yourself and others in doing so. Severus, if you would."

Snape stood up and began passing out pieces of parchment. As they circulated throughout the room giggles or gasps were heard from each recipient. Ron's ears turned red as he handed the papers to Harry. Hermione took one glance at hers and put it face down on her desk.

"I'll give you a few moments to peruse these handouts to save all of us the embarrassment of explaining various situations you may find yourself in," McGonagall said.

A rustling of parchment began. Hannah Abbot had her head turned sideways; Seamus Finnigan was pointing one depiction out to Dean. Parvati and Lavender were reduced to uncontrollable giggles. Hermione kept peeking at her parchment and turning various shades of red. Harry tried to ignore his piece of parchment as best he could but curiosity overwhelmed him. He heard a sudden thwack and looked up to see a parchment airplane floating to the ground after having hit Snape in the side of the head.

"The next one," Snape said menacingly, standing up, "who throws an airplane at me will be expelled."

"Settle down," said McGonagall briskly. "Now, does anyone have any questions?"

Dean raised his hand.

"Yes, Thomas," McGonagall said, looking slightly apprehensive.

Dean held up his parchment, pointed to one picture and asked, "Is that physically possible?"

"Serious questions only, please," said McGonagall, turning away from Dean.

"I was serious!" cried Dean.

"Raise your hand, Thomas," said Snape from his chair. Dean raised his hand and repeated himself. McGonagall ignored him.

"Our next order of business is to discuss physical conditions that can arise from these actions. Would anyone like to name one of these?" The students exchanged shifty looks. Neville raised his hand.

"Yes, Longbottom?"

"Babies," he said confidently. Giggles erupted throughout the room.

"Yes, Longbottom, that is one result. I was thinking more along the lines of physical ailments or illnesses that may befall you."

"Aren't babies an ailment?" Ron whispered to Harry. Harry snorted.

Justin Finch-Fletchley raised his hand.

"Yes," said McGonagall.

"Syphilis. It makes your nose fall off," he added helpfully.

"Yes, well, most of the Muggle diseases we can deal with rather easily," McGonagall said. "I was thinking of some problems that exclusively affect magical persons."

To Harry's surprise Ron raised his hand.

"Yes, Weasley," said McGonagall, looking a little worried.

"There's one called genitalia lucidus. It's when your...pieces...glow in the dark."

Hermione held onto her desk as if for dear life. Ron turned to Harry and whispered, "Bill had it once; he didn't think we noticed, but we did. It got to the point where he could've used his other wand to see in the dark." Hermione paled, and Harry stuffed his fist in his mouth to muffle his laughter.

"Potter, control yourself," snapped McGonagall.

"It's all just too exciting for him," hissed Draco from a back corner. McGonagall pretended not to hear; Snape made only a small attempt to hide his amusement.

"Yes, genitalia lucidus is a common one," McGonagall said. "If not treated it grows in intensity. Anyone else? Miss Parkinson?"

"There's the one that causes extreme genital swelling," Pansy said. "Of course I don't know the details but someone I know had it."

Harry saw Parvati and Lavender smirk at one another knowingly.

"Yes, erubescundus engorgementia. That does cause...trouble," McGonagall said sympathetically.

"Like not fitting through the door," Harry heard Seamus whisper.

"Finnigan," said McGonagall warningly.

"There's amorem caperpri, which is virtually untreatable," piped up Ernie. "It's a contagious psychological condition that causes an insatiable lust for goats."

"Know from experience, Macmillan?" drawled Draco.

"Quiet, Malfoy, that kind of comment will not be tolerated," McGonagall said curtly. "Obviously, these are all undesirable effects of engaging in...acts of...adult behavior. We will now be splitting into male and female sections to educate you in ways to avoid these results. Girls, you will come with me to the next room, and gentlemen will stay here with Professor Snape."

All the girls stood up to follow McGonagall except Hermione, who was staring fixedly at a spot on the wall.

"Hermione," whispered Ron, poking her gently. She jumped, gave a little squeak, and looked at him oddly.

"You have to--" Before Ron could finish his sentence Hermione jumped up and fled.

As the last few girls left the room, Snape pointed his wand at the door and it closed with a decisive snap. Harry had a sudden sensation of imprisonment.

Snape stared at the boys menacingly. The boys stared back.

"We will get through this with as little fuss as possible," said Snape. "Anyone who talks out of turn will spend the rest of the week in detention."

Draco raised his hand and asked, "Professor, is this really necessary?"

"So I'm told," Snape replied. He turned to the blackboard and began to write. "There are several charms that can keep you from getting and spreading the diseases mentioned. You will copy down these instructions and then we will practice wand movements for each spell."

Snape stared coldly at them as they copied down the instructions. Harry had an odd, surreal feeling. He discreetly pinched his forearm to make sure he wasn't having a nightmare where Snape was teaching him contraceptive charms. He discovered that he was very much awake.

"The Ministry insists that this lesson include a practical portion," Snape said. Ron gave Harry a horrified look, which Harry returned with feeling. Even Malfoy looked unnerved.

"Everyone take your wand," Snape said, a look of utter disgust on his face, "and point it at..." The entire class waited as if for a death sentence. Snape snapped, "The instructions are on the board. I believe you can all read."

Everyone slowly moved their wands into position. Harry dared not look at anyone around him. He heard Snape snarl, "Not at your forehead, Goyle; if you do that you'll find yourself with a rather unpleasant growth."

"Now," Snape continued, "you will all say the incantation and use a...circular motion to cast the spell." No one moved. Snape crossed his arms and snapped, "On the count of three! One, two--"

Ron raised his hand.

"What, Weasley?"

"On three, or after three?" he asked.

"THREE!" Snape shouted. Moving as though in a fog, Harry mumbled the incantation and moved his wand as directed. There was an odd sensation as though his bits had been plunged into a vat of pudding. He looked worriedly at Ron, who looked nauseous.

Ron whispered, "Maybe this spell is just designed to make you not want to--"

Snape cut him off. "The...sensation will dissipate momentarily." Harry had a violent urge to flee as he unwillingly imagined Snape having a need for such a spell. Snape then looked down at the piece of parchment he was holding and very quickly said something that sounded like, "If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately." Harry heard a loud retching sound from somewhere in the back of the room.

Snape then instructed them to perform the countercharm, followed by two more spells, one of which felt vaguely like a niffler trying to steal the family jewels, and the other of which escaped description altogether. After the last charm, Goyle had to leave for the hospital wing due to a grotesque condition which haunted Harry's dreams for many years afterwards.

After Goyle departed, the boys sat in silence to wait for the girls to return. After five unpleasant minutes, McGonagall led them back in. Judging by the expressions on their faces, Harry guessed that they had had a similarly uncomfortable experience. Several of them winced as they sat down.

Ron said to Hermione, "How was it?" She just closed her eyes and shuddered.

McGonagall moved back to the front of the room and clapped her hands. "We will now move on to the third and final part of our lesson." There was a palpable wave of relief. "This portion involves role playing," she continued. The relief dissolved immediately. "In this portion we will examine healthy and unhealthy relationships and discuss how we can extricate ourselves from inappropriate situations. Professor Snape and I will demonstrate an interaction between two involved individuals who disagree about their intimate goings-on."

She turned to Snape, who curled his lip and said, "We will?"

"Yes, Severus, we will," said McGonagall firmly, thrusting a piece of parchment at him. He took it between two fingers as though it might explode.

"Do you want to be person one or person two?" McGonagall asked briskly.

"Just start," Snape snarled.

McGonagall looked down at her piece of parchment. "'I think it's time we take our relationship to the next level.'"

Snape looked as though he had just stumbled upon a large, steaming pile of dragon dung. He read, in a voice full of loathing, "'I don't think I'm emotionally mature enough for that.'"

The entire class was sniggering. McGonagall adjusted her glasses and read, "'Come on, you know you want to.'"

Snape shot back, "'Well, I don't know.'"

McGonagall replied, "'If you loved me, you would.'" Harry's classmates were having trouble controlling themselves. Ron had ducked under his desk and Hermione's face was tinged with green.

Snape looked at the parchment, then at McGonagall, and said, "I refuse to read that."

"You don't have to mean it, you just have to say it," she snapped. "The sooner you do, the sooner it's over."

Snape read, in an evil whisper, "'But I do love you.'"

McGonagall looked at her paper, frowned, and read woodenly, "'Then let's get it on.'" The entire class was now howling with laughter, except Hermione, who was looking wistfully at the door. It took several minutes to restore order. When the class finally quieted down, Snape read, "'Okay,'" and then promptly set his parchment on fire.

McGonagall faced the class as Snape's parchment quickly turned to ash and said, "That was an example of how not to respond to peer pressure. Now we need two volunteers to show us the right way to handle such a situation." The class sat in stony silence, all trying to avoid eye contact.

Finally Draco said, "How about Potter and Weasley? Everyone knows they're only ever going to get any from each other." The rest of the Slytherins snickered delightedly. Harry and Ron glared furiously at Draco.

"Since you find this all so amusing, Malfoy, why don't you come up here," said McGonagall sternly. It was the Gryffindors' turn to laugh. "Now," McGonagall said. Draco slouched slowly to the front of the class.

"Another volunteer? Miss Parkinson, why don't you--"

"Potter," Snape barked. Harry and Ron had been chuckling about the thought of Malfoy and Pansy role-playing, but Harry froze instantly. "You evidently think this is funny as well. Perhaps you'd like to participate."

Harry's insides turned to lead. McGonagall said, "You don't think a girl--"

"Now, now, Minerva, we mustn't discriminate," Snape said, smiling greasily from beneath his black curtain of hair. "Potter, get up here now, or I'll put you in detention for the rest of the term."

Harry looked to McGonagall for help, but she only said, "You heard Professor Snape, Potter." Harry approached the front of the room as he would a congregation of angry Blast-Ended Skrewts. He and Malfoy stood as far apart from one another as they could manage, but Snape and McGonagall herded them closer together.

Snape thrust parchment at each of them and said, "Potter, you can be person two. It'll be good for your ego." Harry gave Snape his best stare of death and then turned it on Malfoy.

"Well, Malfoy, begin," said McGonagall briskly.

"'Want to come back to my dormitory after the feast tonight? There will be butterbeer,'" said Draco dully.

"'I think we're moving too fast,'" replied Harry in a similar tone.

"No, Potter, say it with feeling," Snape interrupted.

"'I think we're moving too fast,'" said Harry in the same monotone voice.

"Say it like you mean it!" Snape snarled.

"'I think we're moving too fast!'" Harry bellowed back.

"That's better. Draco?"

"'Everybody else is doing it.'"

"'That doesn't mean we have to,'" said Harry, glowering at Snape.

Draco looked down at his parchment and a horrified expression crossed his face.

"I," he said, "am not saying that."

"Really, Malfoy," McGonagall said. "Professor Snape and I did it; you can as well."

"I'm not saying that," Draco repeated, sounding almost panicked.

"Malfoy, if you don't read your line, I will put you in detention for the rest of the term," said McGonagall furiously.

Malfoy muttered something indistinct.

"So we can hear you, Malfoy," McGonagall said through her teeth.

"'But you're so beautiful I just can't help myself!'" yelled Malfoy. Harry threw up a little in his mouth and then he looked down at his parchment and saw what he had to read.

"'I love you more than words can say but today is not the day.'"

"Potter, you're supposed to insert his name," said McGonagall, pointing at his parchment.

"Mal--" Harry started.

"His first name, Pot--what the bloody hell is that?" Snape said as music suddenly filled the room. Harry could distinguish the lyrics:

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

Some of them want to abuse you

Some of them want to be abused

A classroom window shattered and in flew what looked like two Santa Clauses on broomsticks. They landed in front of the class, who just stared, awestruck. The Santa Clauses strutted around the room in time to the music handing small black bags to all the students. When every student had a bag they returned to the front of the room. McGonagall and Snape had dropped to the floor with the explosion of glass, taking Harry and Draco with them, and were just now getting to their feet. As they stood, the two Santa Clauses simultaneously removed their beards to reveal Fred and George Weasley. Ron groaned, and Hermione turned a whole new color that Harry couldn't find a name for.

"Lovely evening, isn't it?" said Fred brightly as the music faded out.

"We thought we'd--" George began.

"What do you think you're doing here?" demanded McGonagall.

"--drop in on this delightful event. Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes has just started a new line called Animal Wisdom. We felt this would be the perfect opportunity to spread the word."

Seamus pulled an object out of his black bag that resembled a very thick, neon green rubber wand. "What, exactly," Seamus asked Fred and George, "am I supposed to do with this?"

"Use your imagination," said George helpfully, looking very pleased with himself. Harry looked around the room and watched as his classmates pulled all sorts of items out of the little black bags. Lavender poured some lotion out of a bottle onto her hand and made a quiet squeak. Justin opened a bag of small butterflies and was soon standing on his chair, trying to keep them from becoming too friendly. Crabbe sprayed something pink onto his face and immediately had roses growing out of his ears and nose. Ron opened a small container labeled "Pleasure Powder" and sniffed it tentatively; an odd look crossed his face. Hermione's bag was sitting untouched on her desk and she refused to look anywhere but at her lap.

Harry opened his bag. He glimpsed several suspicious-looking tubes and bottles, a very animated pair of gloves, and several items in small square wrappers. He pulled one out and read:

Weasley Flavored Condoms

An Improvement on Muggle

technology. Gives thrills

and chills with changing

colors and a complete

light show with climax.

Harry looked at Fred and George in amazement. "Been busy, have you?" he asked them.

"It's been in the making for years," replied Fred gleefully.

"The Pleasure Powder that Ron's enjoying was one of the first products we developed," George whispered. Ron had a glazed look in his eyes and had moved his book bag to his lap.

Fred was handing one of the last two bags to Snape. "We can only imagine how difficult celibate life must be," he said. Snape snarled and pointed his wand at the bag, which exploded before it left Fred's hand.

"No thank you, Mr. Weasley," said McGonagall coldly as Fred meekly offered her the last bag. "How did you manage to get into the grounds?"

"Oh, don't worry, we cleared it with Professor Dumbledore," said George.

"He said, 'In times like these, I could do with a laugh,'" said Fred, doing a fair impression of Dumbledore.

"We sent him a complimentary gift bag as well," added George cheerfully.

"He ordered bunches of those butterflies," Fred muttered to Harry, who sputtered in shock. Harry glanced to his right and was pleased to see how unnerved Malfoy looked. He appeared torn between opening his bag and throwing it as far away from himself as possible. Harry watched warily as Blaise Zabini blew up a rather oddly-shaped balloon. It suddenly escaped his grasp and flew about the room, trumpeting loudly, before hitting the side of Draco's head and sagging impotently to the floor. Draco glared violently at Blaise, who looked torn between contrition and amusement.

"Well," said Fred, "that concludes our portion of the evening's festivities. We'll leave some order forms for the products you've seen this evening and others. Or you can visit us at ninety-three Diagon Alley."

Fred and George grabbed their brooms and flew out the window once again. McGonagall pointed her wand at the shattered glass and mumbled, "Reparo." After the window was restored, she turned to the class and appeared to think for a moment before shaking her head and saying, "Class dismissed." Snape banged open the trapdoor and swept down the ladder in a swirl of black robes with Hermione just behind. Ron picked up Hermione's black bag as he stood up. Harry looked at him questioningly.

"She might want it," said Ron. "You know, later."

Harry noticed more than a few of his classmates discreetly or not-so-discreetly picking up order forms on their way out of the room.

***

In the following weeks, the aftermath of the "Adolescent Interaction" seminar could be seen throughout the school. Someone had bestowed a pair of Fred and George's Groping Gloves on Boris the Bewildered, who now grabbed lecherously at anyone who walked by. Peeves often swept into classrooms and showered the occupants with Weasley Flavored Condoms. All students quickly learned to avoid (or not avoid) stray butterflies.

Most of the sixth-years got endless amusement out of terrorizing younger students by telling them stories about the kinds of classes they would have to take when they were older. Hermione, however, refused to talk about the experience, no matter how many times Ron brought it up.

On Friday morning of that week, Hermione was perusing the Daily Prophet over breakfast. After a few minutes she said, "Look, Fred and George have written a letter to the editor." She squinted at it, and then her eyes widened. "Oh," she said, passing the paper off quickly to Ron and Harry. They leaned in to read the letter.

To whom it may concern:

We would like to express our appreciation for the work of the wise individuals at the Department of Magical Health. We saw with our own four eyes the illustrious success of their "Adolescent Interaction and How It Can Go Wrong" seminar at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this very Monday. Thanks to them, all sixth year students at Hogwarts will never wish to engage in adult behavior. We would also like to thank them for single-handedly raising sales of our Animal Wisdom products by nearly one hundred percent in just four days.

Sincerely,

Messrs. Fred and George Weasley

Proprietors of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes

93 Diagon Alley