Ashes and Dust

Chapter two - Unbidden Thoughts

Remus Lupin awoke with a start. He was lying on his back in bed, but it was not the bed of the five-year-old Remus of long ago; it was the bed of the thirty-six-year-old Remus, which he was currently sharing.

Remus cast a glance at the woman next to him. Nymphadora Tonks, just Tonks to everyone she knew, was sound asleep, her bubblegum pink hair just visible in the feeble light coming through the window. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed evenly, oblivious to the world outside her own dreams.

The room was still dark and Remus guessed that it was no time near dawn. Shadows jumped out at him, partially masking the shapes of furniture and nick-knacks. The closet door stood ajar and the contrasting blackness within caught his eye and for a moment he froze. He hadn't been afraid of the dark since he had been very young. Afraid of what might me hiding where he couldn't see, lurking in the shadows. Once, he had run screaming into his parents' room because he had thought that a chair with a pair of robes thrown over them was a monster coming to eat him... The book he had been reading earlier before he had shut off his light about dark creatures and their danger rating with the Ministry of Magic hadn't helped much either. Remus felt an ironic grin cross his face; if only his fears were as trivial now.

Breathing heavily, Remus got up gently, trying not to wake Tonks, and moved to the windowsill as his five-year-old self had done so many years ago. It was not the first time he's had the dream... nightmare...memory... what ever it was. Remus shook his head and wiped cold sweat from his brow. It was still so vivid, after all these years, as though is had only happened the night before. The terror, the pain, and sudden strong urge to die... all the same intense feelings he'd had that night. The first night of the rest of his life.

At least it's less cold, Remus thought with another ironic smile.

And yet he was so used to the experience that it didn't bother him anymore. It wasn't as often nowadays that he relived the living hell of being savaged by a dirty great beast in his dreams, just once a month... his own personal hell.

Lucky me.

Remus shook his head again to clear it of this thought.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, he commanded himself, pressing his palms against his eyes until he saw stars. The same old feeling. The exact one he'd been feeling for his whole life. The same god damned feeling that had plagued his subconscious, being fought 24/7 by his waking mind...The truth was that he had been having the nightmares more often since... since...

Since Sirius died.

There had once been a time when he had gone back every night, and night after night the nightmare never dulled. This time was of course the time before he had been accepted into Hogwarts, before he had met his best friends. Ah, the blessed day when he found out that he would be able to escape from his home, which had become something of a prison to him. His parents hadn't let him the same liberties as other kids his age were allowed by their parents. He was never allowed to be out playing after dark even if it was in his own backyard, no matter what time of the month it was. He knew his parents were just trying to protect him, but at the time he didn't appreciate being made to come in early. Especially when the other children started calling him a mommy's boy for being too wuss to stay out at night. Of course they took it that he was afraid of the dark. How wrong they had been.

His years at Hogwarts had been the best years of his life. Not knowing anybody, Remus hadn't expected to make friends as quickly as he had. It was on the Hogwarts Express that he had met James, Sirius, and Peter. James, with his unruly hair and the glasses that annoyed him so much, Sirius, so handsome and never afraid of anything, even girls, and Peter, cute little Peter who idolized them all and who was no good at anything, had become his best friends for ten years, especially their seven years at school, trapped in the small dormitory together. All the trouble they had gotten into, all the pranks they pulled, all the things they had done... all four of them. And then there had been Lily...

Remus sighed. Now it was only himself and Peter, the damned traitor, left of the original Marauders. Still, he wished he were the sole survivor. It would have been so much easier for him. Then he wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that Peter, Wormtail, his former friend, was out there working against him and the ones he loved in the most harmful way he knew, when he had long ago tried to work with him... and James and Sirius.

In a way, their deaths were Peter's fault. If he hadn't snitched on James and Lily, they'd still be alive and Harry Potter wouldn't be an orphan. But then Voldemort wouldn't have fallen from power and they might all be dead... sometimes it made his head hurt. Then if that damned rat hadn't returned to Voldemort, the most evil wizard the world over wouldn't be back at full strenghth. If Voldemort hadn't come back, he wouldn't have lured Harry into the Department of Mysteries and Sirius wouldn't have so stubbornly gone after him, the damned fool, and he would still be alive and well in Grimmauld Place. Yes, their blood was on Peter's hands.

May you burn in hell, Peter, for everything you've done. How could you have betrayed our trust so easily?

Remus allowed his eyes to close and he leaned on the window frame. It was always so much easier blaming Peter, for some reason. If only he wasn't so tired all the time he might be able to track down the dirty rat. But as it was, he was still exhausted from the full moon the night before, as if he hadn't slept at all, but his mind was racing so, he was sure he would never get another minute of sleep.

If only...

Remus felt a tingling sensation on the back of his neck. Someone was watching him.

"Remus?"

In reply to the whispered question, Remus only nodded, not sure if she could see it, not trusting himself to speak as reality hit him hard in the gut.

They're gone... forever.

And it echoed in his head as if someone had struck a bell.

They're gone, they're gone, they're-

"What are you doing out of bed this early in the morning?" Her speech was thick with sleepiness.

"Nothing," Remus tried to say, but his voice broke badly and he turned back to the window as the knot in his throat tightened and tears came to his eyes. He couldn't stand to let Tonks see him cry. He had been trying to be strong for her, no matter how hopeless the situation, but sometimes it was hard to keep up his charade when his thoughts strayed to his lost friends. And they were lost, all of them. Lily, James, Sirius, Peter... even Ravin had left...

Tonks sensed something was wrong.

"You okay?" she asked, sitting up in bed. She was only wearing a tang top and her skin looked white in the semi-darkness. Remus smiled as he admired her and tried again to believe that she was actually in love with him... and him with her. She must have noticed his smile, because she smiled back.

Walking swiftly back to the bed, he got back in, the tears starting to flow freely again. He turned his back to the woman next to him, held his breath, and hoped she wouldn't notice him crying. But of course, she did.

"Remus?" she ventured again softly, putting a gentle hand on his arm.

Remus gasped for air. He wouldn't be able to hide it much longer.

"What's wrong? Tell me."

He was being stupid, he knew. What did it matter if Tonks saw him crying? Was he going to let his male ego get in the way of his love for her? She was strong enough for herself. Why couldn't he have a good vent every once in a while? Was his "weakness" going to make her love him any less?

No.

Remus turned to her, his tears clearly visible, and Tonks seemed to understand instantly. She held him and crooned to him as his sobs racked his body, threatening to overwhelm him. He couldn't help thinking about all the dead people he knew, all the people who had been killed because of Voldemort. How many there were! Lily, James, Sirius, Dumbledore, his parents, Tessa, Melissa, Ravin, for all he knew...

Lily, James, Sirius, Dumbledore, his parents, Tessa, Melissa, Ravin...

Lily, James, Sirius, Dumbledore-

"What's wrong, Remmy?"

Remus caught his breath, and stared at her, wide eyed.

"Don't call me that!" he half whispered, shrinking away from her touch.

Tonks was startled.

"Why not?" she demanded, a little insulted.

Remus hesitated. As much as he loved her, he still wondered whether to tell her the truth. After all, it was personal... sort of. He shook his head of this thought. How do you expect to have a relationship if you're so damned secretive? Screw your pride and just let it out!

"It's just... er... something that... uh... Sirius used to call me when we were at school." He avoided her round eyes.

"Oh! Remus, I'm sorry. Oh, damn, I'm so sorry..." She sounded like she meant it too. Remus felt guilty.

He forced a smile.

"No, don't be sorry. I don't know why I reacted like that... I just... miss him, I guess..." He trailed off.

"No, it's alright, I know you miss him. How could you not? He was your best friend. I miss him, too. We all do." Tonks' voice broke and she fell silent. Remus felt even guiltier.

Now look what you've done, you fool! You've made her miserable, too! Apologize!

Sod off.

"I know."

Remus wrapped his arms around her and drew her close. She was crying now, and he could feel tears welling up in his own eyes again, too.

"I assume that was why you were crying? Because you miss them?" she asked, her voice thick with misery.

Yeah, them is right, he thought. Out loud, he answered plainly, "Yes."

He felt her nod and turned and the sudden urge to kiss her sent a shiver down his spine. He bowed his head and turned hers to face him. She looked surprised and that amused him. He bent lower and kissed her tenderly, tightening his arms around her. A sudden warmth spread from his lips and he felt like singing. It was then that he realized that she was the best thing that could have happened to him. She was the center of his universe, now, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Yes, there is.

SOD OFF!

But Remus realized that it was true. He let her lips slip away from him slowly and looked at her thoughtfully. He loved her so much, but something inside him told him he was stupid to let himself become so close to her. The last time he had done this, the ones he cared for were picked off one by one, until finally there had been no one. His world had been as empty as his vault at Gringotts: pretty damn empty. For he hadn't been able to find work at all to take his mind off anything, and his meagre money soon dwindled to the point were he started thinking that he might have to starve himself to be able to pay for somewhere to live. But that was a long time ago... or was it? He was still staring at Tonks. Would he have to starve himself of her not to be hurt again?

Tonks smiled at him.

"I wasn't expecting that," she whispered.

Remus grinned, feeling her delight.

"Neither was I."

She chuckled, but said nothing more. Moments later, she sighed and Remus could hear the sounds of her heavy breathing. He was once again alone with his own thoughts. Unbidden thoughts.

What would he do if Tonks were... killed?

He closed his eyes, hoping sleep would come, taking away the need for thought, but his mind was racing again and there were no more distractions to quell the churning of his stomach at every thought of the fate his friend suffered. Then a revelation hit him.

Did he suffer?

He imagined the fall backwards, the shock of the spell apparent on his face. He imagined the flowing, black veil swirling around him, engulfing him slowly as his life flashed before his eyes just as he took his last glimpse of the room and the people in it. His cousin laughing at him, he, Remus, retraining a fighting Harry. The final sound a scream of "SIRIUS!" Then maybe, just maybe, a searing pain as the life was ripped from his body, before total darkness and... nothing. Or was there life after death?

What was it like to die, Sirius?

Another shake of his head to rid himself of this most recent question, just one of many he could find no answer for.

"Are you still awake?"

She startled him. He had thought she was asleep.

"No."

"Go to sleep." She sounded exasperated.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

"Still thinking?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes."

"Think about how tired you are."

"Thanks a bunch. Goodnight."

There was a slight pause, then...

"I love you, Remus."

Remus smiled.

"I love you, too."

He gave her one last kiss on the forehead and she settled down into a more comfortable position.

As if this little statement was all his body needed, Remus felt his eyelids grow heavy and complete exhaustion started to take its toll. He relaxed and drifted towards sleep.

The last comforting thought that crossed his mind before sleep overtook him was, At least I'm not alone.

Little did he know, as he fell blissfully unconscious, an unexpected friend was just waking up, half a world away.