Life as I Knew It

Chapter 24--Distracted

Pansy watched Moonshyne leave, letting everything sink in. For a minute she considered confronting Daphne about what Moonshyne had said, but she quickly rejected the idea. Slowly, she headed in the opposite direction in order to return to her room. The thing about Daphne was she was a liar; that much was obvious. Pansy was never going to get the truth out of her. She considered this as she opened the door to her room.

When she saw Draco perched on her bed, all thoughts of Daphne disappeared. She absently wondered how he had gotten into her password protected room. Neither of them spoke. They just gazed at each other intensely.

Then, like a shot, Draco had crossed the room and was kissing her. Unlike the kiss in the Slytherin common room, this was raw and full of pressing need. Gone was the hesitation and soft touches. Finally, thought Pansy, finally here was a Draco she recognized.

And just as suddenly as it had started, the kiss ended. Draco pulled away, and his eyes locked on hers. He gave her a searching look that made Pansy want to shiver. He said her name, a little breathless.

He was still looking at her so intensely. It was a bit scary, but also exciting. "Yes?"

"The Yule Ball..."

Pansy gasped, but then it occurred to her that he might not have meant that the way she thought. "What about it?" she asked, feigning a casual tone.

"Don't you remember it? You were... there." Horror registered on his face. "My father!"

"What about your father?" Pansy prompted, no longer cool and collected.

"Was he... was he arrested?"

"Yes!" Pansy realized that the joy in her voice was inappropriate, but Draco was remembering!

He let go of her and sank dejectedly onto the bed. "The Dark Lord... I took the mark." He pulled back his sleeve frantically. "It's not there." He looked up with hope in his eyes. "It's not there. Maybe..."

But it was there. The mark was shimmering a little, as though it had been newly branded. Pansy was worried about him. "Draco," she said slowly. "Can't you see it?"

Draco seemed not to hear her. "Maybe you're wrong. Maybe none of that stuff actually happened."

Pansy sat next to him on the bed. Gingerly, she circled the mark with her finger. "It happened, Draco. You have the mark to prove it."

Draco looked so miserable as he returned his gaze to his arm. Pansy thought she actually saw the light extinguish in his eyes when he finally saw the mark. It physically hurt her to see him in this pain. Pansy had a moment of doubt. Maybe he had been better off not knowing. Having lived it, she had not quite realized how horrible the truth would seem when it all came rushing back in one sweep.

"What else do you remember?" Surely there had been good things too, good memories that he had been denied.

He shook his head sadly. For a horrible moment, she thought he was going to cry, but he didn't. Instead he said, "You. I remember meeting you, kissing you, loving you." He jumped up. "Who are you? What did you do to me?"

"I'm Pansy," she said calmly.

He sat down, pacified. "I know that. So my father's really in Azkaban then?"

"Well, no, not anymore. He got out over this last summer."

"Why would they let him out?"

Pansy bit her lip. "I don't really know the details. Strings were pulled." She shrugged. "I don't know if it was a bribe or if the Dark Lord facilitated it because he was happy with your results."

"My...? But I didn't... I didn't..." He shook his head repeating the words over and over.

His sleeve was still pulled back and she could see the mark. It seemed to glow in the dim light. Now she was going to have to hurt him again. "You did," she said quietly.

"No, no, I didn't even have... There wasn't time." His breathing grew ragged. "It's seventh year. I don't remember sixth year." His eyes filled with tears. "I killed him."

"Killed him? Wait, Draco--"

"No!" He pushed her away. "I don't want to remember anymore."

"But you didn't kill anyone."

Draco rubbed his forehead. "I must have. There is only one thing I could have done to make him happy. Those were the conditions. My father would only get out of prison if I succeeded. I didn't tell you that. I remember deciding not to." He took a deep breath. "My mission was to kill--"

"Dumbledore, right? You didn't kill him, Draco." She smiled, glad to see that she was getting through to him. "I didn't know that was what you were supposed to do, or I would have told you."

Draco sighed heavily. "Was he killed though?"

"Well, yes, but--"

"Then you just didn't know it was me. That's what I did to please the Dark Lord."

"No, listen to me, Draco. It wasn't you! It was Professor Snape. Snape killed him. Please, Draco, please remember."

Draco stood and paced with an intense look on his face, as though he was really making an effort to remember. Pansy watched him go back and forth for several minutes. Finally, he stopped and turned to her. "This is what I remember. On the train, Potter's stupid cronies turned me into a slug."

"Right, that was the end of fifth year."

"Yes." He waved his hand dismissively. "And my father had been sent to Azkaban because... Because the Dark Lord did not die that night, my mother's cousin did. The Dark Lord was revealed that night. I was determined to join the fight, take my father's place. My mother..." Draco drew in a shuddering breath. "She forbade me, but I told Aunt Bellatrix, and she took me to see him. That was when he told me what he wanted me to do and what the conditions were. And then he gave me the mark, and it didn't feel like it was my choice anymore. But I came up with a plan. I went to Borgin and Burkes. I... And then it was time to go back to school. And when I got to Platform 9 and ¾... Moonshyne was there. And Ginny. I was dating Ginny, but over the summer Moonshyne and I had... But we hadn't."

Pansy remembered that Daphne had claimed not to remember sixth year, but Daphne was a liar. Still Draco seemed to have a very firm mental block. There were two sixth years. Pansy didn't know how that worked, but there were. Instead of explaining that to Draco, she said, "Goddammit, I lived a sixth year! It was real; you were there."

Draco sat next to her on the bed. "Well, what happened sixth year?"

Pansy growled, frustrated. "I can't tell you. I think it's important for you to remember on your own. All I can say is that I know for a fact that you did not kill Dumbledore."

Draco was quiet for a moment. "Who is Moonshyne?"

"I'm trying to figure that out. She's... not real. You remember that, right? She appeared out of nowhere when you started sixth year."

He nodded. "Yeah, I remember that. Kind of."

Just then Pansy noticed something. Draco was no longer on the verge of tears; he no longer had that horrified look on his face. He was same old Draco again. Old Draco, being the operative words. The arrogance in his eyes was back, and even though he was sitting, Pansy could swear that she could see the swagger. After everything he had remembered, after his entire world had been turned upside down, after she had taken away everything good in his life, Draco looked happier than she had seen him since she crossed into this crazy world.