Between Love and War

Chapter 16

June 1980

Vivian sat on the couch and leafed through the pages of Witch Weekly, her feet resting on the coffee table. She heard Evan come through the front door, but she did not even afford him a glance. She could feel him staring at her from the doorway. This was not out of the ordinary; he had recently taken to watching her intently whenever they were in the same room together. It had been a bit unnerving at first, but Vivian was quite unaffected by it now.

Evan sat next to her on the couch. He still said nothing and only stared. Vivian kept reading, content to let him do whatever he was doing. Finally, when he realized that she was not going to acknowledge him first, he said, "Vivian, I would really like to talk to you."

"All right." She sighed heavily and set down her magazine.

"Vivian, we've been drifting along for quite a while and I think things should change."

Vivian raised her eyebrows and shrugged. As much as it sounded like he was breaking up with her, she did not think he was. So she wished he would just get to the point.

Evan was disturbed by her lack of interest in the conversation. "I'm trying to ask you if you will marry me."

"Why?" It occurred to her too late that was the wrong thing to say, but she had just been so surprised.

Vivian fought the urge to pull away when Evan took her hands in his. "I feel like I'm losing you. You've grown so cold over the last few months."

Vivian started to laugh, which was, again, not the right course of action. "Evan, I was cold when you met me. If I've had brief flashes of passion, you should have realized that wasn't the real me."

"That's not true." He held her hands more tightly. "They weren't brief flashes. You had passion. I loved your passion."

His passion was hurting her hands, so she pulled them away. "Considering that you cheat on me left and right, what is there to be passionate about?" A thought popped into Vivian's head, and she asked, just to see how he would reply, "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you killed my spirit?"

He shook his head desperately. "Don't say that."

She hated it when he acted so dramatically. "Believe me, it's only just begun to occur to me."

"If you want me to stop cheating, you could say so."

Vivian found it hard to believe that he would stop for her, and she really wanted to ask to see if he would. Still, she knew it was best to go with this broken spirit strategy. "I don't. Really, I don't. When I walked in on you with that woman, I wasn't angry or jealous, I was just mildly annoyed. All I felt was that I didn't want to have to see that. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't know when that happened but it feels like it was around December."

"December, yes. It was around then."

Vivian smiled inwardly. "So all that passion might be gone. Do you still want to marry me?"

"Yes." He grabbed her hands again. "I want to make you happy again. Will you marry me?"

No. Absolutely not. "I... I don't know. I need time."

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian went to her old flat after work. It had been three days of Evan trying to convince her to marry him, without "pressuring" her, and Vivian could not stomach the thought of returning to his place for more. The flat was now sparsely furnished as Evan had been there to help her move out. All that remained was the couch, some non-perishable foods, and a cardboard box that doubled as a table when she ate there.

Since she was there anyway, she firecalled Sirius to come over. He read her tense mood immediately. "What's new?" he asked warily.

Vivian shook her head slightly. "Evan proposed, and now--"

Sirius, who had been on his way to the kitchen, stopped dead in his tracks. "No, absolutely not. I forbid you to marry him."

Vivian had been about to tell him that she had no intention of accepting the proposal, but his prohibition pushed that right out of her mind. She leaped to her feet. "What do you mean you forbid it? I'm not sure who you think you are that you think I need your permission to do anything."

"I am your boyfriend! I think I should get a say in this matter. I have put up with so much, Vivian, and I have been supportive through your entire relationship with Rosier. All I ask is that you don't marry him."

Vivian's righteous indignation melted away. When he put it like that, she could clearly see his point. And yet, there were other issues to consider than just his ego. Vivian sat again and thought. It was still her decision, and she did not need permission. She did not want to marry Evan. Of course, she reflected as she looked around at her empty flat, she had not wanted to move in with him either.

Sirius did not take her silence well. "I don't know why I bother," he muttered. "You're just going to do whatever you want."

She had no idea what he meant by that. "I do not just do whatever I want."

He looked at her like she was crazy. "What about when you got back together with Evan the second time. Or the third time for that matter. And then you moved in with him, and now you're engaged to the guy."

"You told me I could move in with him!"

"Yeah, well, based on your track record, I doubt it would have made a difference if I hadn't."

"That is not fair. And you know what else you told me? You said that I could have the calculated power marriage of my dreams."

"That was years ago, Vivian, before I fell in love with you."

For some reason, hearing him say love took the fight out of her. It always wore her down when he said it, which fortunately was not as often as Evan. "I'm not engaged to him. I haven't said yes yet."

"But you're going to."

"I don't want to. I told him I needed time to think and I really do. This isn't as easy a decision as you want it to be. I'm doing something important here. I have cultivated this relationship for a long time. There is trust building there and he is opening up about his activities more and more. I can't just throw that away because you love me!"

Sirius gave her a look that sent a chill to her heart. She knew that she should have worded the end of that a little differently, but she had not been thinking. He pointed a finger at her. "If you say yes to him, that's it." Then he walked out the door.

Vivian followed him out, calling after him to stop. Her elderly neighbor across the hall opened her door. "What's all this commotion, dear?"

"It's nothing, Mrs. Peterson. I'm sorry for bothering you." With one last look at the stairwell, Vivian went back into her flat and slumped against the door. She slid down to the floor and wondered what she was going to do.

~*~*~*~*~

Draco Malfoy was born June 5, 1980, a healthy baby boy. On June 13, he was christened, and the proud parents threw a soiree later that day for family and friends.

Vivian could not remember the last time she had attended a party of this size, but it was probably the Malfoys' wedding. When she had been dating Lucius, she had been blackballed from all society functions, and in the last year there had been little cause for celebrating. Vivian could see in their eyes that she was still considered a pariah by most of the women there. In fact, more than once, she had been talking to a man when his wife came up to them and whisked him away, whispering furiously in his ear. Vivian wondered if they were unaware that she could hear them say words like "whore" and "homewrecker." However, if she was only allowed to talk to Narcissa, Evan, and unattached males, well that was more of a blessing than a curse in Vivian's eyes.

She was walking around with Evan, allowing him to introduce her to his friends, most of whom she already knew from school, when they ran into Regulus Black.

"Regulus, my good man, have you met my girlfriend, Vivian, yet?"

Regulus' eyes lit up in a way that told her that he definitely remembered the last time they had met. "You know, she seems so familiar. Where do I know you from, Vivian?"

She smiled coldly. "I have no idea."

Evan suspected nothing. "I've asked Vivian to marry me, and I'm hoping that by this time next week, I'll be able to introduce her as my fiancée."

"That's wonderful," Regulus said dismissively. "Really, you seem so familiar to me."

Vivian turned to Evan. "Well, love, he's so determined. Will you excuse us so that we can figure this out?"

Evan let go of her arm. "Sure."

Regulus watched him walk away, waiting until Evan was out of earshot before saying, "Oh, I remember. You were having meaningless sex with my brother the day I told him our father had died."

"Yes, and again, I'm really sorry for your loss. Could you keep your voice down?"

Regulus looked around, and she could see that he was enjoying this far too much. She did not give him a chance to say anything before she pulled him behind a potted plant for a little bit more privacy.

"So is that why you wouldn't tell your name? Were you cheating on Evan?"

"No." Vivian was glad he asked, because it would not have even occurred to her to make that clear. "Evan and I were broken up at that time. In fact, he dumped me for a younger woman. I was feeling--"

"A younger woman? How old are you, twenty-two?"

Vivian was starting to like Regulus better already. "I'm twenty-one, but exactly. I was twenty when he dumped me for some twit fresh out of Hogwarts. And at that ripe old age, I was feeling undesirable. So I turned to Sirius, and he made me feel better about myself."

Regulus nodded knowingly. "That's what he does best."

Vivian did not understand what he meant. "What?"

"Make depressed young women feel better about themselves."

As much as Vivian wanted to know what he was talking about, she also didn't. "Right. So, it was a low point for me, and I don't think anyone needs to know about that."

"Calm down, Vivian. I don't care who you were doing then or now. I just finally understand why you wouldn't tell me your name. It's because he's a blood traitor."

Vivian tried to look as relieved as she felt. "I'm so glad you understand. Because a lot of people at this party wouldn't."

Regulus smiled. "I've seen Sirius operate. I understand perfectly. Stronger women than you have given it up to him."

Vivian made a mental note to ask Sirius about that later, and then remembered they were on the verge of a break-up. This was a fact she had managed to push from her mind up until then. Even though she felt as though she had been sucker punched, she managed to smile as Regulus walked away.

Vivian went off in search of someone to whom she could talk. She found this in the form of Octavia Valetudo, the healer she had known from school. Octavia and Vivian had never been friends, and neither had ever before sought out the other for a conversation. So when Vivian heard her name, she was stunned to see that it was Octavia who had called her.

Octavia was seated on a loveseat with an unpleasant looking young man. They were not talking when Vivian approached, and Octavia seemed very relieved to see Vivian. "Antonin, this is my, er, colleague, Vivian Snape."

Vivian reached out to shake the hand of this Antonin, who had not been properly introduced to her. He leaned forward and took her offered hand. "Ah, Viviana, of course. I should have known." He spoke with only the trace of a Slavic accent. Octavia, clearly assuming they knew each other, left them looking very relieved.

Vivian pulled her hand back, confused. She had only been called Viviana once, by her father when he was intoxicated. "It's actually just Vivian."

Antonin furrowed his brow. "No, when your mother had you, she named you Viviana. You must be Galina's daughter."

Vivian nodded. "And you must be a Dolohov."

Antonin was surprised that she had not known that. "In Eastern Europe, I would not have had to tell you that. I moved to England when I was five, but in my seven years at Durmstrang I got used to being treated as Russian royalty. Still, I choose to make England my home. The Muggle situation in Soviet Russia has affected our people, and it is not the same."

Vivian wondered if by "our people" he had meant to include Vivian in the Russian magical community. She realized for the first time that as the confirmed offspring of Galina Dolohov, she was technically part Russian.

She moved to sit next to him. "So,... I'm sorry if this is a rude question, but does your family consider me... or Galina's child to be a part of the family."

Antonin waved his hand dismissively. "Galina was my father's sister. She was always getting in trouble. It surprised no one what she was trying to do by getting pregnant. If we accept Galina, we must accept her mistakes." It took him a moment to realize what he had said. "Not that you are a mistake."

Vivian could care less about the unintentional slight. She was more interested in something else he had said. "No, it's fine. What was she trying to do by getting pregnant?"

Vivian could see that Antonin would not have brought that up had he realized she did not understand. "I was very young. I was only seven when she got pregnant. I may remember things wrong."

"Even if that's true, you know more than I do. My mother--my adopted mother--won't tell me and I just want to know. Don't I have the right to know?"

"The right? Maybe. But you do not really want to know."

The worse case scenario that Vivian had imagined was that Alistair had raped Galina, which since Vivian hated the man, she would not put past him. Considering what Antonin had just said, that seemed very unlikely, and it could not be much worse than that. Vivian looked deep into his eyes. They were black and lifeless. "I can handle it, Antonin."

He broke eye contact. "Galina was a schemer. She wanted the old money back, and she had a plan. She, uh, convinced your father to help her get pregnant so that she could pass it off as a rich man's child. The timing was all wrong, though. There was no rich man when you were conceived, so she gave up. Decided it was better to live in Leningrad with the money than to live here."

Vivian sat back to consider this. If things had been a little different, she could have been just like one of those society women whispering behind their hands. Actually, no, she thought, most of them married into their money. She looked around and found Narcissa talking to Portia Malfoy. She could have been like them. All through school, she had hung around with Narcissa and wished that she had been born into wealth and privilege like her. Now Vivian thought about her brother and her parents. They were not a warm bunch, and Vivian supposed she could not honestly say that she was glad they were her family. Nevertheless, if not for bad timing, she would have been raised as the unwanted bastard child who propelled two people into an unhappy marriage, and that did make her actual home life seem a little brighter.

"Do you think I'm like her?"

Antonin was taken aback by the question. "I don't even really know you."

Vivian almost laughed. "Of course, I'm sorry. That's just a lot to take in. Thank you so much for telling me though. I really did want to know."

Antonin shrugged and said goodbye as she walked away. Vivian joined Narcissa and Portia in conversation. Portia, it turned out, was another woman who was willing to talk to her. She had always blamed Lucius and his lack of self-control for the affair, she told Vivian. Eventually Portia excused herself because she wanted to find to some guy named Igor. All in all, this soiree was going better than Vivian had expected. At least, it was until she found herself cornered by Charissa Rookwood.

"You know, he didn't dump me for you," Charissa said in a low, even voice.

Vivian found this situation more than a little disturbing, but she was willing to go along with it for the time being. However, she reached into her pocket and grabbed a hold of her wand, just in case. "Oh, of course not, Charissa. I know exactly why he dumped you."

"But he did dump you to be with me."

"I am also fully aware of that." She looked past Charissa to signify that this conversation was boring her. Vivian tried to sidestep her, but Charissa was too quick.

"And we slept together a couple times before you two even broke up."

"That doesn't surprise me," Vivian said evenly. It did upset her a bit though. She had really hoped that she had slept with Sirius before Evan slept with Charissa. That would have been comforting knowledge.

"And," Charissa said with renewed spirit, "I bet I could get him to sleep with me again. We were really good together."

Vivian was starting to find it amusing how hard Charissa was trying to get to her. She did not realize that Vivian truly did not care who Evan slept with anymore. She didn't even care if he left her for this airhead again. As soon as he was no longer useful to her, she would turn him over to law enforcement; it was that simple. "How nice for you. Evan can sleep with anyone he wants. We have an open relationship."

Charissa grinned cruelly. "An open relationship? Is that what they call it when he shags every woman he meets while you remain faithful?"

Vivian had to stop herself from bursting out laughing. She had no idea that Charissa had that in her. Had Vivian cared at all about Evan, that biting analysis would have stung. As it was, Vivian wanted to applaud Charissa for proving her wrong, but that would not have fit into the conversation well. Instead she said, "So him dumping you made you mean. That's interesting. But, you see, I was already mean when Evan met me and we've broken up three times now, so you really don't want to mess with me."

There was a whole new Charissa looking back at her. "Oh, I really think I do."

Vivian tightened her grip on her wand. She was no longer afraid that Charissa was mentally unstable; she was truly thinking that Charissa might be dangerous. "He didn't dump you for me, as you pointed out. Whatever your problem is right now, it's not with me. It's not my fault you couldn't sustain a relationship with him, and it's not my fault that I was the one he chose to suck into some horrible farce of a marriage. Even if you slept with Evan again, it would only be sex. Even if you lure him away from me, he'll still keep shagging those other women."

Charissa shook her head calmly. Vivian would have preferred she be frantic and on the edge of tears. "No, he had no need for other women when he was with me."

"It will be different this time. Until you, he had no need for other women when he was with me either. He gets restless, and I've permitted this... deviance. You'll never have him all to yourself. To get him away from me, you'd have to make that same promise. And I don't know, maybe down the road you could make some kind of ultimatum, but, still, that could backfire. It's best to move on."

To Vivian's immense relief, Charissa took a step back and looked thoughtful. It was less comforting when she said, "That's what I was afraid you'd say."

Vivian was finally ready to let a little panic show. "What?"

"No, I see your logic. It's just hard to accept that's all I really meant to him. You must understand; you've been there."

Vivian was so confused. "You're not stupid, Charissa."

She laughed as though with a friend. "People are always so amazed to find that out. I used to wish I could wear a sign on my forehead that says, 'I'm not as dumb as I look.'"

"Oh, it's not just the way you look. I remember our first conversation. You were... different." Vivian did not want to say "a complete idiot," because that would have been rude.

"Okay, you caught me. It's astounding what people will say and do if you play dumb. It doesn't work with Daddy, of course, but I've found it makes my life easier. That's why I never got the sign."

"So why tell me?" Charissa shrugged, but Vivian knew. Why was it only the mentally unstable evil geniuses who could really appreciate her? "Are you mentally unstable?"

Charissa actually cackled. "Oh, without a doubt."

Something occurred to Vivian. "So if people say all kinds of things in your presence because they think you're too stupid to understand, have you ever thought about using that talent to our advantage?" If Charissa was a Death Eater spy, that would be very handy to know.

Charissa leaned in close. "To whose advantage?"

Vivian gulped involuntarily. "The Dark Lord and the Death Eaters."

Charissa smiled knowingly. "Oh right, them. Maybe I don't want to use my talent to help them. Are you using your affair with Sirius Black to help them?"

"Who the hell told you that?" Vivian realized too late that she had not denied it and that she had heard about that rumor before. However, now that she was literally having an affair, she was a little sensitive about it.

"I overheard you talking to Regulus. I think I was the only one, but he was not subtle."

So Charissa did actually know something. "It's not an affair. It was just a one time--not actually one time, but a one period of time thing. It was to help me get over you stealing my boyfriend."

"Yeah, by the way, Evan didn't choose me because I'm younger."

"It helps me to think of it that way." Vivian did not like this new, "smart" Charissa. Well, she sort of did, but things were simpler when Charissa was an insipid cow. Now she was a worthy adversary, and that was the last thing Vivian needed.

"I think you're a liar, Vivian." Charissa put an arm around her shoulder. "Just like me. I lie to people to get my way, and I think that's what you do, too."

Vivian did not even bother to deny it, although she should have. "That's amazingly astute."

"Thank you. I could care less about this cause and Mudbloods. I just want to get my way. I was spoiled by a widower father and then by scores of young men looking to deflower me. I know I'm selfish, but you, Vivian, it's different with you."

Vivian had no idea where this was going. "How so?"

Charissa laughed as though she could not believe Vivian didn't know. "You're not spoiled. I manipulate people to get what I'm accustomed to; you do it to get out of life what you know you deserve. I respect that."

Without realizing it, Charissa had just confirmed what Vivian had feared. She was like Galina Dolohov. Oh, and Merlin only knew how much Charissa had managed to figure out about Sirius and the spying. She was trying to determine how to find that out without giving any information away when Narcissa showed up to rescue her.

"Charissa, I need my son's godmother for pictures or... something." She was purposefully rude and Vivian loved Narcissa for it.

Charissa face had gone eerily blank. "Oh, okay," she said cheerfully.

Narcissa steered Vivian away. "You looked uncomfortable. What was she saying to you?"

Vivian looked back at Charissa and saw her pantomime zipping her lips and locking them. "She wants Evan back, but that's not..." For once, Vivian could tell the truth. "I think she's a bit mad."

Narcissa patted her shoulder sympathetically. "I'm so sorry. We didn't invite her, but Lucius insisted on inviting her father, and she just came along."

Octavia walked up to them just then. "Hey, Narcissa, I was wondering if I could borrow Vivian for a moment."

Narcissa let go of Vivian's arm. "Not a problem."

"Listen, Vivian--" Octavia put her arm around Vivian's shoulder much like Charissa had done moments before. Vivian quickly shrugged out of it. "--I know that it must be a surprise to see me here, but--"

"I just didn't realize you were in so tight with the... Death Eater crowd."

Octavia made a gesture for Vivian to keep her voice down. Vivian looked around, but she did not see anyone who wouldn't know they were in the presence of Death Eaters. "I know," Octavia said. "It's not like that, though."

"Right, because you really seemed to enjoy Antonin's company."

Octavia made a noise of disgust. "I want it to be clear that I did not come with him. But really, it's not like that. Look." She raised her left sleeve. "No Dark Mark."

Vivian noted that she lifted the correct sleeve to the exact right spot to show if she had a Dark Mark. She raised her own sleeve. "Me, neither. What's your point?"

Octavia sighed. "I don't have one. Just, please, don't tell anyone you saw me here."

"What are you so afraid of? It's just a christening party."

"I get what we're doing here--"

"Celebrating the birth of the Malfoys' first child? That's what I thought we were doing here."

Octavia snorted derisively. "I get what the Death Eaters are doing and I support it, but I have a career to think about. I have friends on the other side."

Until she actually heard Octavia say it, Vivian never believed that she would support the Death Eaters. It had been an evening of surprises. "I have my own career to think about. I don't go around telling people that I hang out with Death Eaters or who I saw with them."

"Oh, thank you!" Octavia hugged her tightly, and Vivian felt very uncomfortable. She pried herself away and hurried off to find someone not crazy. To this end, she avoided Bellatrix and ended up back in proximity with Evan. She was about to slip onto his arm when Narcissa swooped in off the sidelines again and steered her in the opposite direction. "I've only just heard! You must be so excited."

"About what?"

Narcissa's eyes widened. "Evan asking you to marry him. He did ask, right? Because now I see you're not wearing a ring, and I would hate it if I ruined the surprise."

In all the excitement Vivian had forgotten that she still needed to make a decision about this engagement. "Oh, no, he asked. I'm just not sure about him."

"What are you talking about? You always said that he was the love of your life. It's just cold feet."

"Narcissa, he cheats on me."

Narcissa waved her hand dismissively. "That's hardly important."

Vivian realized that if Narcissa had not had such a lax policy on cheating she would not be there. "I see your point, but I don't know if I can be as understanding as you are."

Narcissa gave the smug knowing smile of a new mother. "You should marry him, Vivian Snape." She started to back away. "Listen to me. I know you."

Later, when Vivian was talking to Evan, she saw Narcissa standing behind him and pointing. She was mouthing "Marry him," and Vivian could not keep herself from laughing.

~*~*~*~*~

The next day at work, Vivian ran into Sara. This was notable because Sara had given birth six months before and Vivian had not seen her since. She kind of hoped that Sara was not coming back, but it appeared she had just taken an extended maternity leave. After the strange night Vivian had had, she braced herself for some stunning revelation. It never came. Sara just showed her pictures of her squinched faced baby and made a few snide remarks. It was a pretty typical Sara encounter, and Vivian found comfort in that.

After Benjy's death, Vivian and Carl had been moved to the main potions laboratory. It was only a few months earlier than they would have been anyway, and both passed the certification exam. Even though Benjy had died three months before, the mood in the potions laboratory was usually somber. More and more there was chatter and the occasional laughter, but even then it was not the same as before his death. Vivian missed Benjy more than ever now. He rarely gave her advice, and it was even more rare that she would take it, but he had always been there as a sounding board. She tried to imagine what he would tell her now. She figured he would tell her not to get engaged. Actually, Vivian knew that was not right. Even when he gave advice, it was not that direct. He would probably tell her to only get as involved as she wanted, that if she went beyond what she could handle, it would endanger everyone. He would tell her that this was a decision only she could make, which put her back at square one. Benjy never said much at all, but somehow his presence had always filled up the room. He was gone now and Evan was to blame for that. Vivian knew then, as she felt the emptiness of Benjy's absence, what her decision had to be.

~*~*~*~*~

It still took Vivian several days to get up the courage to give Evan her answer. She came out of the bedroom to find him poring over papers. He did not look at her as she stood over his shoulder. This surprised Vivian because he was still in the habit of staring at her whenever they were in the same room. She cleared her throat loudly.

He turned around, annoyed. "What is it?"

For a second, Vivian was going to say something else. This was no one's vision of getting engaged. Yet that made it perfect, Vivian realized. She did not want the ideal engagement scene with tears of happiness and the opening of champagne or whatever. Actually Vivian had never imagined her dream engagement, but she knew that this was not it, and that made her happy. Let her save that for someone she actually wanted to marry. "Yes, I will marry you," she said impassively.

After that, Evan did in fact open a bottle of champagne and may have cried a few tears of joy, but in Vivian's mind, the memory of this night would always tainted by the way it had begun.