Metamorous

Chapter 6 - Runaround

You build me up you knock me down

Provoke a smile you make me frown

You are the Queen of Runaround

You know it's true

You chew me up you spit me out

Enjoy the taste I leave in your mouth

You look at me I look at you

Neither of us know what to do

There may not

Be another way to your heart

So I guess I'd better find a new way in

I shiver when I hear your name

Think about you but it's not that same

I won't be satisfied 'til I'm under your skin

Immobilized by the thought of you

Paralyzed by the sight of you

Hypnotized by the words you say

Not true but I believe 'em anyway

So come to bed it's getting late

There's no more time for us to waste

Remember how my body tastes

You feel your heart begin to race

~Maroon 5, Shiver

This is becoming a bit of a habit. Do you know how many times a day I find myself staring at Draco Malfoy? More than I should. You know how many times a day I think about our fucked up relationship? Much more than I should.

And is any of this even worth it? He's cold and insulting, he's got a terrible temper, we can't be around each other for more than 5 minutes without fighting, we're rivals in everything and we've spent roughly a third of our lives making each other miserable. Remind me why I was even considering this? Oh. Right. Now I remember. Because I love him.

I don't bother to resist the urge to smack my head against the table. I've given up worrying about brain trauma. I've decided it's far, far too late.

~~~~~~~

I guess... I guess I'm not mad at Harry anymore. About what happened. Maybe I was forcing myself where I wasn't wanted. And maybe I wasn't.

You know what I have decided? I fucking hate the word 'maybe'. It means not knowing what the hell's going on. And I really want to know what's going on. I mean, how does Harry feel about me?

Screw it. Screw the whole thing. I'm just going to ask him, point blank. I need to know, all right?

Of course my determination fades pretty quickly once I meet him in the hall.

"Hey Harry."

He smiles. "Morning, Draco." His hand feels warm. Real. Just like him.

The walk to Potions is rather long. And I'm pretty tongue-tied - again - because I don't want to blurt out anything incredibly stupid.

~~~~~~~

Up in Hermione's room after the common room incident. Things have changed and at the same time they haven't. Ron remains completely withdrawn while the rest of the House has started to come around. Well, more or less. The problem is, to be quite truthful, I was never really close to anyone but Ron and Hermione. Since Ron has started ignoring me, my whole world has essentially fallen out. There's Ginny, of course, and Neville. I never thought I'd spend so much time with Neville before. And Ginny and I have never been closer. We work much better as friends than as anything more. There's Hermione too, but she's still much cooler in the common room or the classroom than her room. That seems hypocritical but I don't want Ron mad at her any more than she does. So I'll let it slide. It seems I all ready have.

"Hermione?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think of Draco? I mean, seriously. Look past all the stuff he's done to us and all the stuff we've done to him, and just think about what he seems like."

"Harry..."

"I mean, he's not really a bad person. He's not. And yeah, his father's a Death Eater, but Draco's not that either."

"Harry..."

"And I know you really don't like him but-"

"Harry!"

"Yes?"

"Do shut up," she says agreeably. "I've been trying to tell you I've thought about it. About what you said. About what you've been saying. If you like him that much there's got to be something good about him that I can't see. And he generally seems to care about you..."

"He does?" It bursts out before I can stop it.

Hermione looks surprised. "Of course he does. Did you miss that little display in front of the common room?"

"Well..." I stutter. "Right. It's just... you know me. Insecure." I smile weakly.

"Don't be. Maybe we - I - maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe."

We sit in silence for a few minutes. So Draco really cares about me? Like really really? But anyway... Hermione thinks he does. And she's pretty good at picking these things up, right? And there was the whole deal with the kiss. With all the kisses. And the touches. That's getting to be the problem. And when he stood up for me - stood up for us, what was that? It seemed real. It seemed like it meant something. Fuck. And the confusion sinks back in.

Hermione is the first to break the silence, asking me for help on the Patronus Charm that Dumbledore is insisting all the sixth and seventh years learn. I'm not sure if I can help her. Right now happy memories feel pretty far away.

~~~~~~~

Did you ever read a story and when you got to the end wonder how you could be so stupid? Like you wanted to smack yourself for not having seen it coming? That's how I feel about Harry and me.

Looking back, it was pretty ruddy obvious don't you think? My father being his enemy, me being his enemy. Like a bloody Romeo and Juliet spin-off, although I plan to live through this, thank you, and also not be the girl. Which is really beside the point, come to think of it. What I'm trying to say is, with all the insults, the accidents, the detentions together, it's a wonder we haven't been snogging since third year. Of course Weasley being his best friend kind of threw a cosmic wrench in the works. Seems like it was fated, which is really quite a stupid idea because if fate decided to give Harry Potter the love of his life at eleven they wouldn't have chosen me.

You're wasting your time, Draco. There is no pattern to the workings of the Universe. Unless you count everything being royally fucked up a pattern. At least life is consistent in its negativity.

~~~~~~~

I love him. I hate that I love him. I used to hate him. I used to love to hate him. To say the world is backwards and upside down would be an understatement.

Screw it. Screw it all. If I were the suicidal type I'd be Avada Kedavra-ing myself right now. As it is, I'm holding on until I get Voldemort at least. After that... who knows?

Sorry. Didn't mean that. That was depressed-Harry talking. (We've returned you to your regularly scheduled program, normal-Harry.) God. When I'm near him, things seem better. And when I'm away from him, it's like leaving a stage and seeing that everything is paint and lighting. Smoke and mirrors. Are we just acting? Because pushing me up against the wall in an empty classroom where no one could see us does not seem like acting...

"There's only two and a half months left, you know."

I start. "What?"

"Two and a half months. Until you can tell everyone this was just a big act. You looked kind of depressed. Thought I'd remind you it's not forever."

Oh. "Yeah." Not forever. Why do I want it to be?

Someone hurries past us our table, and Draco quickly places his hand in mine and pulls me out of my chair. "C'mon."

"Where are we going?" Whoo-hoo! Road trip!

"The common room."

"The common room? Your common room? Are you insane? They'll kill me. They'll hex me the instant I set foot inside the door! They'll-"

Draco pivots around and places both hands on my shoulders. "Whoa boy. Calm down! Breathe. In... out..."

"I know how to breathe Draco, thank you. I'm not the blonde around here." In... out...

He shrugs. "They think you're under my complete control. It'll be fine."

"Why are we... why am I even going down there?"

Draco blushes a little and shrugs again. "Everyone thinks we should have done 'it' by now. Father's been dropping hints in his letters. The potion would demand to be consummated... we've got to at least pretend."

He won't look me in the eyes and I'm pretty sure my face resembles a tomato at this point. 'Consummate' it. In other words the potion should have us going at each other like rabbits by now. Lovely. Sex I could be having but never will. Stupid mind-controlling love potion. Metamorous. Who the hell names these things? And now I'm going to have to deal with every Slytherin in school looking at me sideways, thinking dirty things and undressing me with their eyes. Great. Great great great. Shoot me now, because depressed-Harry's back in charge. I mean, call me kooky, but I don't really want any of the Slytherins imagining me naked. Well. Maybe just one of them.

"All right," I sigh. "Here we go."

~~~~~~~

It's stupid to feel nervous over something that's not even going to happen. Isn't it? By lunch tomorrow everyone in the school is going to know that Harry spent the night in my room. I mean, we won't really be doing anything. But everyone will assume and that's good enough. The news will get to father within the hour, courtesy of Crabbe or Goyle or some other dutiful little Slytherin, and we get one step closer to bringing down dear old Voldemort.

And does anyone else wonder why Voldemort cooks up these hugely elaborate plans to get Harry? For the love of Mordred, grab a few dozen Death Eaters and attack him in Muggle London! Sure there are wards but even a semi-competent wizard could get rid of them easily enough. What's with the subtlety? Does he think it makes him seem intelligent? For an evil genius he's pretty freakin' stupid.

Well, that was my vent for the day. I think I'm done now.

Clasping Harry's hand tightly in mine, mostly because I'm still not sure if he's going to bolt or not, I work my way down into the dungeons. Small torches light only random sections of the hallways and Harry stumbles a few times. I guess I just know where to step after seven years. It takes almost ten minutes to get to Slytherin in the dungeons, and I can tell that Harry's getting more and more nervous each minute. That's ten minutes of extremely tense silence, ladies and gents. Now I'm just about ready to jump out of my skin along with Harry.

Calm down, I urge him silently, gently rubbing my thumb along the side of his hand. It'll be fine.

I stop in front of a passage of wall. Looks like plain stone, but isn't of course.

"Greasy git." The wall opens up. Harry shoots me a look. I grin in response. "It was my week to choose the password." That gets a small smile out of him at least.

"Take a deep breath now," I urge him. "I know it's not going to be fun. But it's gotta be done."

"Right. I'm ready. And I know to breathe."

Giving his hand a quick squeeze, I step into the common room.

~~~~~~~

Enemy territory. We are now entering enemy territory. Be careful soldier, many of these occupants are armed and dangerous. Be on alert at all times. (Note to self: No more war movies. Pretty soon I'll be ending every sentence with 'over'.)

The first thing I notice is that the Slytherin common room is a lot different from my own. There's no one playing exploding snap or chess. And it's really quiet. Like very quiet. Everyone wears the same expression. One part bored, one part calculating, and one part just general Slytherin goodness. I am officially creeped out. Abort mission! Abort mission! We'll go 'consummate' the potion somewhere else!

Damn. Draco's still holding onto my hand. Lemme go. He squeezes my hand again and smiles down at me. Fine. Abort aborting the mission. Be the nice guy here. It's hard to turn tail and run when you're so damn supportive.

All the Slytherins stop what they're doing. Some stare. Most smile. And trust me, those smiles are not making me feel any better. Over and out. Er, sorry. Couldn't help myself.

"Good to see you again Potter," Blaise smirks. "I trust you're... well?"

"Peachy."

Blaise smiles again, looking me up and down. "Going up to your room, Draco? Or are you staying down here in the common room?" My skin is crawling here. Blaise is just grade-A creepy. And Pansy is shooting daggers with her eyes. If looks could kill Voldemort would have a new assassin. Not to mention I would be dead.

Another express mental message to Dumbledore: You really owe me. Really.

~~~~~~~

I place my hand protectively on the small of Harry's back. "Down Zabini. He's mine." Fuck off.

Blaise just smirks. Git. What I would give to sock him in the face. Some things you just need to do yourself, no magic involved. Blaise really gets to Harry for some reason. And me. Guess he just knows what buttons to push.

I look at every person in the room levelly. Some eyes drop, others shine with amusement. Pansy looks furious. Good. About time the bitch got the message. With one more cool glance at Blaise, I kiss Harry. Sort of to reassure him, but also to show everyone here that he is mine. At least as far as they're concerned. And hell, since when do I pass up a chance to kiss Harry?

His lips are warm, and he clings to me almost desperately. They're trying to get to you, I want to whisper. Ignore them. Think of me. Just me. Times like this I wish he were mine. I want him. I'm falling in love with him. I know it. What else do you call it when you can't stand to see someone hurt? When you want to be with them all the time, when you talk to them, laugh with them, have seen them vulnerable... I can't take this. I want all of him.

~~~~~~~

All right. Confession time. The hard truth: I like when Draco kisses me. I don't like that I like it, but I do like it. Urggh. I'm not making any sense. It's just, he... He's Draco Malfoy. And I'm Harry Potter. So I shouldn't like it. A shudder should run though me every time he touches me. And it does. But not because it disgusts me. Not because I can't stand it. Not because I can't stand him, but because of how much I want him. I want to move into every caress. Melt into him. I just... want to be with him. Straight out, simple, I want to be with him. I wonder what it would be like, being with him all the time. Being his.

I smile the tiniest bit as Draco pulls away. Being Draco's. I wish I could.

He stares into my eyes for a few seconds, taking my hand amidst the cold silence of the room and leads me up the stairwell. Blaise is still watching. I know it. I resist the urge to shudder. God knows I won't give him that kind of satisfaction.

Draco opens the door to what must be his room (lucky prefect). He reaches up and pushes my hair back behind my ear. Does he have to do that? Those little things that make me think he does care. But he's supposed to. He's my boyfriend. Har de fricking har.

"It'll be all right," he whispers again. "I promise."

Are you the kind of person that keeps their promises, Draco? I don't even know that much.

~~~~~~~

I hate that look on Harry's face. The insecure, pained look. I used to love seeing that look. Hell, I used to cause that look. I really want to hurt myself for that.

You are in deep Draco. Very deep indeed.

I have no willpower when it comes to him. None. I kiss Harry again as I push open the door, my fingers moving slowly through his hair. He tastes of chocolate. He does a lot. Always something sugary. He's got a sweet tooth a mile wide. I'm going to get fat just kissing him.

That makes me smile. Stupid time to smile, but what the hell. He just does that to me.

~~~~~~~

Draco is beautiful. I mean, talk about stating the obvious because somehow he always manages to look beautiful, but when he smiles it's like a million beautiful things rolled into one. A full moon. Stars. The sun shining off someone's hair. Laughter. A painting filled with light. A story with a believably happy ending. Chocolate. A warm bath. Children playing. Music. Sappy, stupid, beautiful things. Everything about Draco seems superlative. When he smiles it's not just a smile. It's fucking beautiful. When he used to hate me, he hated me. Passionately. When he hated me it was like he inspired me to hate him back. Something about him is impossible to ignore. When he smiles like that, I want to throw myself at him and damn the consequences.

Maybe I will.

~~~~~~~

I pull Harry into the room, slamming the door as though I could snap Blaise in half with it. His booming laughter carries up the stairs as though he knows what I'm thinking. Glad he's amused.

My lips find Harry's again, this last desperate taste of him before we stop. Because we should stop. Shouldn't we? But Harry deepens the kiss and I can't help but respond. His tongue runs over my lip, his hands slide down my back, and I know I won't be able to take much more of this. My body betrays me.

I push him away, hearing his head crack against the wall. "We- we can stop now. No one's watching anymore." It's a fricken stone wall. They're Slytherins, not God.

"That's the reason we should keep going." His arm slips around my waist and I reach for him without thought. This is wrong. Isn't it? "Everyone thinks this is what we're doing. So what if we do?"

"Because it's fake! It's all a lie! Bullshit, remember? It's not real!"

Harry grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you believe that. That this isn't real. To them it's not real," he says firmly. Glad to see he's not unsure anymore. "What about to you Draco? Is this real?" A second passes. Two, three, four. How can this not be real when you're pressed to me like that?

"Yeah. Yes. It's real. It's real, but what... how does this work?" What's left when the lie becomes reality? Is reality a lie?

"However we want it too." His words send warm air gently over my forehead, the hollow of my cheek, the corners of my mouth. I turn slowly, bringing my hand up to glide softly over Harry's cheekbone. And I come to a decision.

"You're right. No one's watching." Very carefully, I fit my mouth to his.

I've never considered myself a fool, but I am for this man.

~~~~~~~

I nearly stopped breathing when Draco kissed me. God. I love him love him love him. Can't tell him, but I love him all the same. At first... I thought this was just physical. Hormones. That copped out soon enough. It's bigger than that. Not just about sex anymore, though I seem to be thinking about that even more than usual.

I bend my head slightly, meaning to kiss him gently, to comfort and soothe him, but touching him always starts something I don't want to stop. He pushes me up against the wall and this time I don't mind the bump that's sure to be on my head tomorrow.

"Draco..."

"Shhh. I thought you wanted this. I want this."

God I want this. Do I ever want this. But how far is he willing to go? What games is he playing? Or for once is he being painfully honest? Painful... no, that's not it. If this is honesty, it isn't painful at all.

No, when I'm near Draco things are far too perfect. Even when we're bickering like an old married couple or when he's rolling his eyes at me over something. Whether we're out flying or studying or a million other things we do together now. When he's kissing me senseless. Like now. So no looking back, Harry.