Metamorous

Chapter 5 - Everything About You

Every time we lie awake

After every hit we take

Every feeling that I get

But I haven't missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake

By every sigh and scream we make

All the feelings that I get

But I still don't miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think

About you, I know

Only when you stop to think

About me, do you know

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

You hate everything about me

Why do you love me?

I hate you hate

I hate you love me

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

~I Hate (Everything About You), Three Days Grace

What's going on here? When did things get so complicated? Why did they get so complicated?

My brain is short-circuiting. Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy means insults and hate and anger. Draco Malfoy should not bring to mind kisses and wet dreams and anything even in the same neighborhood as mushy feelings. I should not feel bad that I hurt him. I don't even know why he's hurt. I slump forward, my head knocking into the corner of my Charms book. Great. Brain trauma. As if that particular organ wasn't damaged enough.

"Harry? Is there a problem? Something you want to talk about?" Hermione's voice seems too nice right now.

Think I should shock her with my problems? How about the fact that I'm gay, that I find myself strongly attracted to Draco Malfoy? (Which, yeah, she supposedly already knew, but still not the best topic of conversation). That Draco has the singular privilege of being my longest relationship ever, even if he does hate me and even if it's a lie? That I care whether I hurt him? That it would be almost preferable to jump off a cliff than hurt him again? About how that I imagine him writhing beneath me? How about if I told her I wanted to fuck him in every position ever imagined? That I think I'm falling in fucking love with him? Hell, shock is too mild. Hermione'd have a complete breakdown. I'm having a breakdown! St. Mungo's would be able to subsist on the two of our medical mental fees alone.

In one sweeping motion I pick up the book and hurl it across the room, watching it smash into the wall impassively. A few pages flutter to the floor, ripped from the binding.

"Harry?"

Poor Hermione. Think I've shocked her enough as it is.

"I'm all right. Just... angry."

"I can see that." She catches me up in a strong hug. "Wanna talk?"

"No. Right now I'd rather toss a couple of hexes at Draco."

"You guys are fighting?"

You should hear her. She sounds so concerned, really she does. But I've know her so long I can hear that little suggestion of happiness in her voice. At least she tries. Hermione really is a good friend. I never properly appreciated her before I guess.

"Sort of. I... said something... and he took it the wrong way I think. In fact I think he thought I was saying the opposite of what I was trying to say."

She chuckles. "Riiiight. Could you possibly be any more vague?"

You want details? Let's see: He slammed me up against the wall, was snogging the hell out of me, and when he thought I was telling him to stop got rather pissed. And I wasn't trying to tell him to stop, although hindsight suggests my first words could have been better chosen. But it's rather hard to think when his hands were all over me like that.

I realize I've dazed out again.

"I don't want to talk about it."

I'm so messed up inside. I don't even know what I want anymore. But it all goes back to Draco.

In my defense, I should be allowed an identity attack of some kind right about now. I told Dumbledore that it wouldn't bug me to pretend to go out with a guy, true, but I'd never actually had a boyfriend before. I mean, I knew I liked guys. And I didn't fight that once it finally hit me. But first there was Cho, and then Ginny. And a few crushes in between. Draco's different. Physically it's different, mentally it's different, emotionally it's different. Not to mention that's it's all a fucking lie.

I sigh and lay my head down in my arms on the table. "I really don't want to talk about it."

~~~~~~~

Hands slide up my thighs, fingernails scraping along, carefully tracing red lines into my pale skin. His tongue flicks out to caress me, causing a wave of sensation to wash over me. I gasp, and he tilts his head to grin up at me. Brazen bastard, isn't he?

"You like that?"

"Yeah." And my grip on him tightens. "Harry..."

And then I wake up.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I hate wanting the one person I can't have, the person who hates me more than anyone else I know. I hate do-gooders. I hate how Harry's Dumbledore's golden boy. I hate that he's a more powerful wizard than I am. I hate that he always manages to beat me at Quidditch. I hate how he manages to beat me at everything. I hate how he twists up my insides. I hate that I can never tell where I stand with him. I hate how perfect he is, how there's no flaws and how you can't see the seams holding him together. I hate how when I see him in the hall I want to kiss him so hard he won't be able to stand much less walk. I hate that he's beautiful and gorgeous and that he could have anyone if only he wanted them. I hate that he does this to me. I hate that he makes me think and feel. I hate him. I hate how he's become my obsession. I hate how everything is colored shades of Harry. I hate when I think 'Harry said...' or 'I remember when Harry..." like he's a part of me. I hate how Harry invades everything. I hate how good it feels when I hold him. I hate that every time he smiles I want to kiss him. I hate how it felt when Harry rejected me. I hate how he can hurt me. I hate it when his insults come back to haunt me. I hate how he refused my friendship all those years ago. I hate how even now he still counts the Weasel and Granger as his friends. I hate that no matter what he will never love me. I hate how I can never redeem myself in his eyes. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate how I'm starting to fall in love with him. I hate him.

But most of all, I hate this stupid, fucking plan. I hate how what seemed like a great idea has turned into near constant torture. A lie keeps him by my side. And I hate that most of all.

~~~~~~~

The day after what I've termed 'the classroom incident' was a Tuesday. Tuesday, the worst day of the week. I mean, Mondays are ok, because the week has just started and you aren't burnt out yet. Fridays are good because it's the day before the weekend, and Thursdays are good because it's the day before the day before the weekend. On Wednesdays you know you've passed the midway point and you can start to breathe a little easier. Tuesdays are just there to remind you there's a lot more left to the week. Basically, Tuesdays suck. So the day after the classroom incident was a Tuesday. And it was raining. Hard. And for breakfast there were omelets with green pepper, and I hate green pepper. Ok, so it was petty, but I don't care. At this point even the smallest thing could set me off.

I had considered sending Draco an owl, but that wasn't the best of plans. Who's to say he'd get it instead of one of the other Slytherins? Or worse, he'd read it and just not care. I figured I could talk to him at breakfast but he wasn't there. So I sat there, silent as usual and uncommonly miserable, completely ignoring my whispering classmates. Ginny smiled at me a few times, but even she stopped bothering when all I could bother to was shrug.

There were no classes with him today. Charms, History of Magic, and Divination were all strictly Gryffindor. I ignored Professor Flitwick's near-constant giddiness and Hermione's sideways glances. I ignored Professor Binn's endless droning and Hermione's smuggled notes to Ron. I ignored Professor Trelawney's predictions of death and Ron's careful surveillance. You could say I ignored the world at large.

And I felt stupid and I was calling myself every kind of fool since Draco doesn't really give a shit either way. He didn't go through with the plan to bring me to Voldemort. Supposedly. Maybe this is a way to gain my trust and then bring me to Voldemort. Gah. There are too many options. Maybe he likes me. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's gay. Maybe he's not. I don't even know that much, though evidence certainly suggests the positive. Maybe he's playing double agent. Maybe he's a spy for the Death Eaters. Maybe he really is a spy for us. Maybe I'm just another conquest for him. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I don't even matter. At all. Maybe I am just a cover story.

I just wish I knew. Just had everything figured out, 100% positive.

He wasn't at lunch today. After classes ended for the day he wasn't in the library. Wasn't in the Hospital Wing. Wasn't on the Quidditch field. Wasn't anywhere I could find him.

~~~~~~~

Letter from father. There's supposed to be a Muggle attack today. Near Oxford, right around nightfall. I send the letter straight to Dumbledore as he instructed me. My stomach grumbles, part tension part hunger, reminding me that I had skipped breakfast and was now missing lunch. Ruddy great. I'll stop by the kitchens after classes. At least I don't have to face Harry today. My pride has been battered enough lately. I don't want his fucking pity.

Sighing, I grab my satchel and head to DADA. Harry's favorite class. Blast it! Go away thoughts of Harry, you're not wanted here.

~~~~~~~

The search for Draco has been concluded. He just doesn't want to be found.

Tears form in the corners of my eyes. Damn it. Damn you Draco. Only you do this to me. Such is the blessing, such is the curse. It should be a two-edged sword but you don't seem to be bleeding you bastard. You just won't bleed.

I blink my eyes rapidly. The Pink Lady stares down at me with just a little too much understanding for my taste. Trust me Lady, you have no idea what's going on.

"Rocky Horror Show." Dean's a cult film addict. It's been kind of entertaining to let him choose the passwords each week.

The Pink Lady peers suspiciously down at me one more time. "All right. You can go in." The frame swings away from the wall and I slide into through the portrait hole yet again. God, how many times have I done that over the past six years or so? How many thousands of times have I climbed these stairs and slept in the dorm and played Quidditch on the field? Way to make yourself feel old Harry.

When I pop into the common room it becomes silent as usual. Seamus and Dean stop playing Exploding Snap and all the lower classmen stop throwing the Dungbombs around. I roll my eyes (which are only slightly red, honestly) and start towards the stair that leads to the dorm.

"Hey, Harry?" Dean pipes up uncertainly. Shocker. My housemates are talking to me again?

"Yeah?"

"The Divination essay... do you remember how long it was supposed to be? Seamus swears it was three feet two inches, but I'm holding out for two feet three inches."

The corner of my mouth creeps upward. So that's why everyone in the room went quiet this time. This is a planned question. It's just Dean and Seamus' way of saying that they want to be friends again. What brought this on I wonder?

"Two and a half feet as I remember. But who really cares anyway?" My way of saying their apology's accepted. I should probably be a bit more mad. They did ignore me for a month. But I can't... I can't really be angry. I missed everyone too much.

"Right," Seamus breaks in merrily. "Silly us." In other words, sorry.

"No problem." I forgive you. "See you guys later." Missed you a lot.

"Uh huh." Missed you too.

Completely smiling now I walk over to where Ron is curled up with a book in the corner. He's not reading it though, I can tell. I'm the tiniest bit nervous as I settle on a chair near him.

"Hey Ron." Don't ignore me, please don't ignore me.

"Hey Harry." Yes! Must resist urge to jump ecstatically into the air! The day is looking up. Slightly. The smile on my face becomes surer.

"How you been?"

"Ok, I guess." Ron gives me a slightly guilty glance. "Hermione said something about you and Draco fighting?"

"Yeah." You and 'Mione talk about me? Since when?

"So... did you, uh, break-up?"

"I don't... know exactly." Not really of course. Stupid plan. "Why do you ask?"

Ron sits there awkwardly. "Well... I mean it's a good thing. We can be friends again."

For Christ sake Ron! Sometimes you are the most thickheaded git in the world! "You ignore me for almost two months and you think we can suddenly be all buddy-buddy again? And 'it's a good thing'? Would it be a good thing if you broke up with Hermione? Ron! Get a clue ok? Sometime soon, please, for the sake of the rest of us!"

With that I storm up to the dorm, knowing that he'll have to come up sometime soon anyway. Really. Ron is such an ass sometimes. I mean, maybe he didn't mean it the way it sounded. But what if I really did love Draco huh? He has no idea how callous he sounds. It's like he doesn't fucking care. And once we break up he extends the olive branch? Once I'm Slytherin-free? Like I wasn't the same person before! Loving Draco...

Oh my God. There I go again. Talking like it's real. And it's not. It's not real. It's really not real. Fake. Phony. A plan. Bullshit. Not real. I do not love Draco Malfoy.

...

...

...

Oh God. I love Draco Malfoy.

~~~~~~~

I'm ready to talk to Harry now, but he's not at dinner. The Gryffindors seemed restless, most of them dropping their gaze so they can't meet my eyes. Weasley and Granger do. And Ginny - that's her name, right? - almost smiles at me. Smiles at me, which normally would send me into a nervous breakdown but right now I need to see Harry more than have a breakdown. Although the two do seem to coincide...

As the Gryffs stand up and leave dinner I follow them. Not the brightest of ideas, but none of them seem to notice me. Oblivious. And fuck it's a long way to the Gryffindor common room. The seventh ruddy floor, way back in one of the towers. They don't even have a decent entrance way, just a portrait of a rather fat women dressed in pink. The Gryffindors are so strange.

"Rocky Horror Show," one of them says confidently, and the painting swings away to reveal a small hole. Rocky Horror Show? For the love of Morgane. It's a wonder any of the Gryffindors grow up half way right...

"Malfoy? What are you doing here?"

Oh great. And now they've spotted me. I can see it now. 'Malfoy Cursed to Death by Angry Schoolmates'. Lovely. Just lovely.

Another voice pipes up. "You want to see Harry right?"

"Er... yes."

"I'll go get him from the dorm."

Helped by a Weasley. If I didn't believe in miracles before, I certainly do now. Though I do get the feeling she's going to take a lot of shit for this. Her own brother looks fit to kill her.

"Why are you going to see him anyway? He doesn't want to talk to you." Granger again. Does the girl ever give up?

"Nice try. Better luck next time." I don't care if it's the truth or not at this point. Point is I need to see him. And I really don't have to or need to answer her. But you know what? I will anyway. I've got to stand up sometime. I've never backed down from them before.

"Why do you bother?"

"Bother with what?" Ohhh don't go there. That wide-eyed, bushy-tailed I'm-an-innocent-school-girl look might work with the teachers, but not with me.

"Breaking us up. The instant that happens... you take him back? Bring him back in to the fold? What makes you think he'll even go back? Especially with the way you've been treating him." Suddenly Harry is their deluded hero and I'm the evil guy who bewitched him (No puns intended).

"What about how you treat him? He was upset today. And I know it was your fault." Grrr. DRACO EXPLOSION!

"What's your problem Granger?" I shout. The rest of the Gryffindors turn around to stare. I'm so tired of these subtle jabs. I'm tired of all the shit I take. Tired and really, really angry. So angry with them I forget that I'm mad at Harry. "What is your problem?"

"You're the problem!" she yells at me. "Everything was perfect before you came and messed it up!"

"I messed it up? Gryffindors are the ones with their panties in a twist."

"Of course the Gryffindors are upset!" She blushes, evading the issue as usual.

"The Slytherins have no problem with it." Technically.

"It's some scheme isn't it?" Ron asks hotly. "That's why Slytherin isn't upset!" Oh, and now suddenly Weasel's back on his side. You fucking hypocrite! Not as dumb as I thought apparently, but still a hypocrite.

"No," I retort sharply. "Slytherin isn't upset because they don't care he's a Gryffindor, house rivalry aside. That's irrelevant because he's with me. The problem's with you Gryffindors! You're so stuck on being brave and perfect you hate whatever doesn't fit in with your high morals. Well I'm sorry Harry and I aren't perfect. What kind of friend dumps someone because they're in love? You're a snob Weasley. Yeah, you heard me. A SNOB! Just because Harry loves me, just because I love him, just because I'm a Slytherin he's suddenly beneath you. You, his supposed best friends. You hurt him more than I ever have and ever will."

What the hell I am I saying? How did that start out a lie and become truth? I am so fucking angry right now. And this isn't even real! This shouldn't even matter!

I feel a hand clamp onto my shoulder, immediately knowing it's Harry but not quite sure how I know. When I turn around he's smiling a bit. When did he come in here?

"Let's go, Draco. They don't get it."

You can bet the farm they don't get it. You don't even get it. I barely get it! No one seems to get that the plan is turning into reality. They don't get that I'm actually falling in love with Harry Potter.

Ah shit. That's the first fucking time I've straight out admitted it to myself. And the words are scary even in my head.

"Yeah. All right. Let's go." We walk down the hall hand in hand we leave the hall, leaving some rather shame-faced Gryffindors behind us. The Weasley girl grins again as we pass. Damn it, I might start to like her. I watch Finnegan whisper something in Thomas' ear as we pass. Good? Bad? Don't know. Granger looks a bit put out but the Weasley is obviously furious. He storms through the portrait hole.

We drop hands after we turn the corner, walking randomly along the many hallways. I need time to cool down and Harry seems to be thinking. But the silence is good. Not the awkward kind or the oppressive kind or the scary, tense exam-taking kind. It's a silence that means we have nothing to say, and that's all right. I don't really want to talk anymore anyway.

It does start to get late though, so Harry starts to head back for the common room. And I'm... I'm just tired. So fucking tired. Just tired of everything. Harry leads me through the school, turning through hallways and pushing behind tapestries to go through secret passages. We finally end up in front of the portrait again. Gryffindor common room.

"Rocky Horror Show."

"You know what?" I sigh. "I don't want to know."

Once the portrait swings away from the wall he turns to me. "So what was all that anyway?"

I do the first thing that comes to mind. I lie.

"Bullshit. Good bullshit."

Now the silence isn't so neutral. Now it seems kind of... I don't know, sort of charged. Tense. But not in a bad way. Is that possible?

Harry stares at me a second. "That was real bullshit wasn't it?"

I stay silent. I don't dare open my mouth. God knows what will pop out next.

He leans in towards me, lips brushing mine gently before he slips through the portrait hole. I know, of course, that the only reason he kissed me was because someone might have been watching. Not because he wanted to.

So? What did you think? Huh? Huh? Tell me! (Sorry, just had a rather large amount of chocolate) The song's a bit redundant, but it seemed very Harry/Draco. And I swear to God they get their act together next chapter! Promise! Grr. Stupid boys. Not hormonal enough apparently. If the second half seems a little awkward, it's because I changed the scene from the Great Hall to outside the common room. The Great Hall flowed a little better, but Draco can't really defend Harry where the Slytherins will see so I switched it. Does it seem horribly awkward? Personally I like Draco shaming Ron and Hermione and everyone, but I was wondering how it could be better. Just tell me what you think. And how was Draco's 'I hate' rant? Kinda liked that myself... seems vaguely familiar... *begins whistling*