Talk is Cheap

CHAPTER 4

~~~~~~~

"Ah, Christmas. The holiday where we celebrate a dead man coming back to life."

"That's Easter, Harry."

"Oh. Right." Pause. "So Christmas is...?"

"Celebrating when the 'dead man' was born."

"Ah. That would make more sense." Silence. "Don't look at me like that! It's not like the Dursleys ever took me to church with them!"

Laughter. "It's all right, Harry. It's not really that big a deal. Most wizards are pagan anyway. The only reason I know is because of Dad."

"He studies Muggle religions?"

"It's one of his newest obsessions."

"Finally got him away from electronics?"

"No, unfortunately. Now he regales us with a combination of Muggle movie stories and rebirths and resurrections..." Groan. "Suddenly I'm not so glad we're going home for holiday."

~~~~~~~

Gasp. "WE'RE ALIVE!"

"That was... scary."

"Guess everyone came home for the holidays, huh?"

"Yup. First time we've ever had the whole batch since Bill's Third Year at Hogwarts. Of course, back then there were less of us." Frown. "Actually, I don't think I was even alive back then. Hmm. Mum's gone round the bed with her years, again."

Popping noise. "Old age, you know."

"The mind's the first thing to go."

"Oy, that rhymed!"

"It did, didn't it?"

"Almost like we're poets."

"We're inventors."

"We can be poet-inventors, like druids were warrior-poets."

"So shouldn't we be inventor-poets?"

"But then that sounds like we invent poets!"

"Ah. True."

Sound of slamming door.

"Whoa. I've completely forgotten what the twins were like."

"I'm never even sure sometimes which one is talking."

"Maybe it's just been one of them all these years. Can't tell. You know, Fred could have been talking for both Fred AND George for years, and we'd never know."

"That's so weird. They play their practical jokes, but only you would think up something like that."

"Whatever, Ron." Pause. "I was just surprised that Ginny came home. I thought for sure that she was going to go with Colin."

"Eh. Colin. She's supposed to pick someone her parents don't approve of, not her brother!"

Snicker. "Poor you. Really, he's not really all that bad. Less and less stalker-like behavior every year."

"Remember when he tried to sneak into the locker rooms after a game to get your picture?"

"And he went into the girls' instead?"

Laughter.

"That was the bloody best. I've never seen Katie so upset."

"And that bruised shoulder he carried around for the better part of a month because he didn't want to tell Madame Pomfrey where he'd gotten it? Priceless. And Katie does hit hard. Just ask George. She smacked him one after he snuck a kiss from her. Though on second thought, that might have been Fred..."

"Whichever. No one can tell the difference. I mean, not even your mum."

"If anyone could tell, it would be her. Dad has theory that she's a secret Animagus. A bloodhound."

"I hope he never told her that."

Snicker. "Hell no! Even dad knows better than to compare mum to a dog! As for the rest of the family, Charlie looks pretty good, don't you think?"

"Yeah, he does. Loads better than when we saw him last year."

"Well, last year was hellish. With that whole uprising in the Ministry, the funding for the dragon research center was put on hold for a couple of months. Didn't sit well with anyone, obviously. Least of all the dragons. They weren't getting fed!"

"That would perhaps make for a cranky dragon, yeah. So did the reserve end up getting shut down? I swear Ron, you never tell me any of this..."

"I don't want to bug you. Got your own problems, and it's really not that big a deal. The reserve never closed and Charlie even ended up getting a better job. Looks like it's agreeing with him too." Pause. "Didja see the scar on his neck though? Looked really nasty. Must have hurt. You now... for it to scar like that?"

"Takes a lot to scar a wizard."

"You'd know, eh? For all the twins' scrapes, they don't have a scar on them. Healing potions will take care of that, easy."

"Amazing what a body can go through and come out looking the same."

Silence.

"All right, none of that. It's Christmas vacation, and I demand that you be unangsting, undepressed, and not overly thoughtful either. Be light and cheery and vacant-headed."

"Be you, you mean?"

Glare. "No. Be part Trelawney, part Professor Flitwick. I resent that remark, by the way. See if I give you anything for Christmas. See if I let you sleep in my room! I'll make you go sleep with the twins, where George can accost you while you sleep!"

"NO!" Horrified shout. "Anything but that!"

"There. That's better. Be a good little Harry and I'll protect you from the evil, horny twin."

"You're such a good friend. A blackmailing friend who has suddenly displayed abnormally Slytherin characteristics, but a friend nonetheless."

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

~~~~~~

"I forget how much your mum likes to feed me."

"It's because you're the poor orphan boy who looks like skin and bones. It brings out the mothering instincts. And she's got a lot of them."

"So I've noticed. But if I had to eat one more piece of ham..."

"You had enough for a whole pig, just by yourself."

"You think I don't know that?" Groan. "I didn't think that was physically possible for me..."

"Well, you're alive to tell the tale, so don't expect too much sympathy." Pause. "Did you see the look on Mum's face when Ginny said she just wanted a salad? I thought she was going to have a heart attack!"

"She's changed so much, hasn't she? Ginny, I mean. I know she's your sister, but she feels kind of like mine too. Besides that whole awkward crush stage..."

"Glad that's over with."

"Tell me about it. It was nice to find there was a person behind the blushing and stammering."

"Aw, but you just have that affect on people."

"Not the people I want."

"Yeah, well, that's the way of the world. It's never that easy. Ever."

Silence.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to... never mind."

"No. Forget it." Shrug. "Sorry to ruin the good mood. Just comes over me, sometimes."

"Wanna talk? Seriously? I mean, all those times you asked me that Fifth Year..." Nervous laugh. "I've got to catch up."

"No. It's all right."

"Ron... Is this about Hermione?"

"Possibly. Yes. I don't know." Sigh. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure." Pause. "So. How 'bout them Cannons?"

Weak chuckle. "You're the best, mate."

~~~~~~~

"Happy Christmas Ron!"

"G'way..."

"Roooooon, it's Chriiiiiiiistmaaaaaas..."

"Oh, bloody hell, stop that."

Snapping sound.

"Garghh!"

"Oh, did the sunlight hurt your eyes? So sorry."

"Bastard."

"Profanity! Just for that, you're losing your blankets!"

Quick swishing noise.

"Fecking hell, Harry! It's bloody cold!"

"So put on a robe and come downstairs. Or I'm going to open all your presents and take whatever I like."

Growl. "As if you really like sweaters that much."

"I happen to be rather fond of maroon."

"NO ONE is fond of maroon."

"Just get up. Lazy arsehole that you are."

"... will you shut up?"

"No. But I'll stop singing."

"Well, that's a plus." Sigh. "All right."

~~~~~~~

"Um, thanks, mum."

Beaming smile. "You're welcome, dear."

~~~~~~~

Snigger. "At least it's not maroon."

"It's red, Harry. Bright red."

"It's bright and cheery."

"And vacant-headed?"

"No, you take care of that part."

"Humph. See you got another green one."

Smirk. "It matches my eyes."

~~~~~~~

"Happy Christmas, Harry."

Hug. "Happy Christmas, Ginny. Did you like your new robes?"

"I love them! How did you know they were what I wanted?"

"Oh, I cheated, of course. I asked the other girls in your dorm." Grin. "They were all too happy to help me."

"I'm sure they were. Hoping to snag Hogwarts' most eligible bachelor." Pause. "By the way... have you got your eye on anyone? Because..."

"No, no one." Shrug. "Definitely not anyone in our House, Gin. I know everyone pretty well, and... no sparks."

"Thought so. Nicky was pretty interested, but I didn't think she was your type."

Frown. "I don't really have a type."

"Harry... darling, everyone has a type!"

"Okay, then I don't what my type is."

"Hmm. Well, as far as the physical goes, you really don't have a preference."

"I'd prefer they didn't look like Goyle or Bulstrode..."

Giggle. "You know what I mean. You don't care whether they're blonde or brunette or redhead..."

"Actually, I sort of lean away from redheads." Pause. "No offense."

Wink. "Discriminating bastard."

"Well, they all remind me of you guys, and that's just..."

"Squicky?"

"Pretty much."

"I understand. We're family. You're like a... cousin. A really hot cousin."

"Ginny!"

"I'm kidding!"

~~~~~~~

"Was it just me, or was Charlie flirting with you earlier?"

"I hope not. I refuse to have more than one Weasley in love with me at a time."

"Since there's oh-so-few of us." Eye roll. "I think you two have more in common than George or Ginny."

"Eh. Maybe. But I don't think he was being serious. With the whole flirting thing."

Grin. "Probably true. For as long as I can remember Charlie has brought home a different person each holiday."

"Player! I refuse to date players."

"Such high standards. No wonder your longest relationship was with Cho."

"Ouch. That was low."

Snigger. "Like you wanted to spend one more moment with her than was necessary."

Shrug. "She was rather different from what I thought she was."

"Seamus' theory was that she turned you off girls forever."

"Seamus is an idiot. Did he forget when I went out with Cassie?"

"That was last year. And Seamus' attention span is roughly five seconds."

"Ah, that's Seamus." Shrug. "Should maybe make me kind of pissed, but... just can't get mad at him lately, you know?"

"Yeah. I know. Too bad about his sister." Shuffling noise. "She was nine."

Sigh. "I know."

Silence.

"I hate when it happens to people in the school. I hate it, period, but it's always worse when you have to see... the family."

"I never know what to say."

"Me either."

Silence.

"He's better now, though."

Fervent nod. "Yeah, he is. Thank god for Miranda."

"Tell me about it. She makes him laugh. Of course, Seamus with a Ravenclaw for a girlfriend is pretty funny to begin with..."

"A Ravenclaw who makes jokes is odder still."

"I never noticed her before. And now she's always over at the common room." Pause. "It's always the quiet ones."

"... and I think you're getting paranoid in your old age."

"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

"You are just so strange. I don't know how I'm going to sleep in the same room as you."

Smile. "You could always go sleep with George

~~~~~~~

Gasp. "Oh... God..."

"Ron...?"

"Oh, too much." Moan. "Waaaay too much."

Soft laughter. "I told you. Should have stopped an hour ago."

"But it's so good."

"Don't whine. Baby."

"Wahhhh, my tummy hurts. I want my mommy."

"Big baby." Pause. "Oh, fine. Don't puke on me and I'll help you to your room."

"Oh, you're a good mate, you are."

"You're talking like a pirate. Or Yoda."

"Yoda? What's a yoda?"

"Okay, I'm not really up to explaining that right now. Ask me again when we're less drunk."

"M'kay."

"I knew hanging around with Fred and George was a bad idea."

"How is it a bad idea? Lots of chocolate and firewhiskey and Fizzing Whizbees and butterbeer and Bertie Bott's and firewhiskey and... firewhiskey..."

"Yes, I know, you liked the firewhiskey. I was there."

"Right." Pause. "I'm going to blow chunks."

"What? Now? No!"

"Gonna blow so many chunks..."

"A-all right, just hang on a second."

"Urgh..."

"Christ, you weigh a bloody ton. All right, here's your bed." Sound of mattress squeaking. "Just lie back. That's it. And look, not a chunk blown."

"Love ya, mate." Kissing noise.

Long silence.

"Um, Ron...?"

"See, now, if you were a girl, I would have slipped you some tongue."

"That's... comforting." Snort. "You are going to be so embarrassed about this in the morning."

"Am not."

"Oh trust me. You are." Pause. "So, how was your first ever queer kiss?"

"I think it was my last."

Hysterical laughter. "That's good." Pause. More hysterical laughter. "I don't believe you sometimes." Sound of mattress squeaking. "Ahh. Good night, Ron."

"Night, Harry."

~~~~~~~

"Good morning lover boy. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit, you arsehole."

Snicker. "Ready to face your mum yet?"

"Depends. Do I look as bad as I feel?"

"Well, you said you felt like shit, so I'd have to say yes."

"Damn it." Sigh. "You're better at Glamour Charms than me, right?"

"That's not saying much, Ron."

"I know, but..." Pause. "She'll kill me if she knew I was drinking."

"All right, all right, I'll try. I don't look forward to her fits any more than you do." Pause. "But first, see if the Hangover-B-Gone will help your looks any."

"That stuff tastes like crap."

"Trust me, beats what your mouth tastes like at this point."

Silence.

"Oh." Groan. "I thought that was a... That was real? I actually did that?"

"Well..." Cough. "Yes. You did. And in your defense, you were falling down drunk. And it was more of a peck than a kiss."

"Um. Right. No tongue..."

"Because I'm not a girl."

"That's... yeah. Hmm."

Silence.

"Told you that you'd be embarrassed about it."

"Can I go die now?"

"But your mum's making pancakes."

Swallow. "Pancakes?"

"Uh huh. And bacon and sausage and eggs and hashbrowns. And that was just when I checked last."

"Urgh. I'm not sure if I want to eat or go throw up again." Pause. "And Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Let's never talk about last night. Ever."

~~~~~~~

"How is it that the twins look so sickeningly well rested?"

"George was telling earlier about how they've been working on a new version of Hangover-B-Gone. From the looks of it, I'd say it works a sight better than what you get on Diagon Alley."

"So is George still... you know?"

"I think a little. Like Ginny's a little, even now. You know? But neither of them tried to kiss me, so..."

"We said we weren't going to talk about it!

"I don't recall ever agreeing to any such thing."

"But... but I said it! Same difference!"

"No, not really."

Silence.

Groan. "I just keep flashing back..."

Chuckle. "Your face matches your hair right now."

"Trying... to... repress..."

"As far as kisses went, it was okay, but teasing you was well worth the liplock."

"Trying... to... repress..."

"Maybe I should tell the twins..."

"Tell the twins?! I would kill you before letting you tell the twins!"

"Don't worry! I was kidding."

"This is just so very amusing to you, isn't it?"

"Very."

"Just..." Several deep breaths. "Okay. I'm over it."

"Really?"

"Really. I was drunk and you're my friend and I'm straight and... and I'm still in love with Hermione, besides."

"Yeah." Pause. "I noticed you guys have been kind of strained lately."

"I know. We said we wouldn't let that happen, but I can't help it. I see her and... and then Dean, and it's just... I... and it's so... Ugh."

Soft laughter. "I think I get the idea."

Silence.

"When you broke up, whose idea was it? I thought it was mutual, but..."

"It was mutual. Just... sort of at Hermione's prompting, I guess you could say. I mean, if she didn't want to be with me, fine. I didn't need her."

"Except you do."

"Well, yeah, but..." Sigh. "That's the whole problem. I know... I never should have let her go. I didn't want to. Not like that. I guess I thought it was one of those 'if you love them, let them go' kind of things. Stupid."

"Yeah. I know I'd be too damn selfish to let anyone I loved go."

"Wish I'd been selfish. Wish I'd been my normal stubborn and stupid self and just kissed her instead of talking. I'm such a... such an idiot. Such a complete and total idiot."

"Okay, it's not that bad." Pause. "Don't look at me, Ron. Not for this. The longest relationship I've ever had was Cho, for God's sake."

"Mm. Good point."

"Look, I know I should probably tell you to move on, and you probably should move on. But I can't say that because I don't want to see you apart. Not really. Maybe that's being selfish, wanting my two best friends to be together. And the worst part of it is Dean. I like Dean, I really do. He's a great guy, you know? Hell, if he batted for the other team..."

"Harry."

"Sorry. I'm just saying. He's our friend too, even though there have been days you've damned him to hell and back."

"Was it that obvious?"

Sigh. "Okay, long story short... I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or what you're supposed to do. I know what I feel, I know what you feel. We don't know how Hermione feels."

"Thanks for the perspective."

Silence.

"Want me to kiss you this time?"

"Argh! Harry!"

"Fine, fine." Pout. "You could just say 'no'. You don't need to hurt my feelings..."

"Arsehole."

~~~~~~~

"Well, we're going back to school."

"We're going back to school!"

"Fuck. We're going back to school."

"Ron!"

"Well, that's how I feel. I still haven't finished that Transfiguration essay..."

Sigh. "Let me guess what you're going to ask next."

"I'm not going to copy!"

Raised eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really."

"That's new."

"New Year's Resolution. Of sorts."

"Harry...?"

"Don't look at me, 'Mione. I don't know what's going on either."

"Shouldn't you be sitting with Dean?"

Silence.

"I wanted to catch up with my two best friends."

Longer silence.

"So... what did you two do over break?"

Huge drawn-in breath.

"Mum gave me an orange sweater..."

"Charlie flirted with me..."

"Harry hypothisized that there is actually only one talking twin..."

"I learned the difference between Christmas and Easter..."

"I was going to let George molest Harry while he slept..."

"Mrs. Weasley fed me enough for a small army..."

"I learned Harry couldn't carry a tune in a bucket..."

"Ron again proved he can't hold his liquor..."

"And... uh, think that was it."

"About it, yeah."

Cough. "Well, it sounded like you guys had a great time."

"Oh wait! I forgot something." Pause. "Ron has the most disgusting habit of..."

"Harry!"

Sigh. "Fine. I won't tell."

"Still..."

"Oh! And Ron kissed me."

Very long silence.

"Bastard."

~~~~~~~