The War of Shades

Epilogue Chapter 3 Snape's Confession

"Come in, Potter, or may I call you Harry now?"

Minerva McGonagall smiled and opened the door at Harry's knock. She was, after all, expecting him, as she had invited him for dinner in her office. Behind her, scowling in anger was Professor Snape. Harry would probably have been as displeased at seeing Snape as Snape obviously was at seeing Harry had not Harry asked Sirius to scout out McGonagall's office before he came around. Harry was seeing great advantages to having an overlooked friend like Sirius to spy about the castle for him, and Sirius was more than pleased to have something interesting - and especially sneaky - to do. He would also be listening in just outside of view.

Before Harry could respond, Snape rose from the table at which he sat. "I see you have company, Minerva," he said, oozing with annoyance. "I'll just be on my way."

She stopped him with a hand placed gently on his shoulder. Harry was certain that there were few others for whom Snape would have stopped so meekly.

"Nonsense, Severus, you were invited and so was he. You are two of my favorite men in my life and I aim to see truce at the very least."

"Minerva, I can assure you I will be cordial," said Snape, in a tone that would have had Harry putting his hand near his wand if they were not in Professor McGonagall's presence.

"And I will, as well, show him all due respect, Professor McGonagall," added Harry.

"Hmm, I've heard more warmth in the crackling of yeti fur. I see I have my work cut out for me." She turned directly to Harry. "If you'd like, you may call me 'Minerva.'"

"Thank you, uh, Minerva. Forgive me if I slip at times. I've spent seven years thinking of you only as Professor McGonagall."

"That will be fine, of course, and in front of students, it would be preferable, as I shall call you Mr. Potter."

"But please feel free to call me 'Harry' in private."

She smiled. At least there was conversation. "I shall, with the occasional 'Potter' out of habit."

"I've been called worse," said Harry, with a grin.

She smiled back at him. "I am well aware. May I offer you both a pre-dinner drink?" she asked as she pulled a bottle and three tiny glasses from a shelf by her mantle. Harry saw Sirius peeping out from the edge of the painting over the shelves and then darting back, and was certain he saw McGonagall wink and suppress a smile.

"Erm, what is it?" asked Harry cautiously. Snape snorted scoffingly.

"I won't be giving you a potion, I can assure you, Harry. And Severus, Harry's been manipulated enough these past seven years: it is fair enough for him to be suspicious. Harry, it's simply a pomegranate liqueur I'm fond of."

"Oh, well, thank you, then," said Harry.

"Yes, I suppose I will as well," said Snape.

She poured the drinks and handed a glass to each.

"A toast," she said, raising her glass, "to colleagues and a mission well accomplished."

Harry and Snape kept their eyes firmly on McGonagall rather than each other as they agreed with the toast and touched their glasses to hers. Harry cautiously sipped at his drink, not knowing how he would react. It stung as it first touched his mouth, but as he held the sip of liquid, the burn went away and left a tingly, fruity sensation. He had sipped so little that he did not so much swallow as let it disappear in his mouth.

"Please sit," said McGonagall, "and tell me why you each have such animosity."

They sat and Snape glared at her, studiously avoiding any glance at Harry. "You know, Minerva, my feelings about James, and HE," Snape waved the back of his hand toward Harry, "is cut from the same cloth."

"Well-stated," said McGonagall. "And you, Harry?"

"I didn't come to Hogwarts looking for an enemy, most of all in my professors. I was just thrilled to escape my muggle home."

"Enemy!?" growled Snape. "After all the times I saved your life?"

"Now, Severus, calm down," said Minerva. "You've been a good soldier when it comes to fighting dark forces, but you'll have to admit that you have treated the students of my house, and Harry in particular, with a rather pointed harshness."

"I have enforced the rules, perhaps a bit more strictly in some instances than others. For all their bravery," Snape spat the word out, "Gryffindors have a rather mean streak when it comes to those not like them."

Harry started to jump up in protest, but McGonagall motioned him down. "Agreed," she said. Harry opened his mouth to protest, but she gestured him quiet. "Harry, what you don't see is how cruel groups of students can be, especially in a boarding school environment, where the living group becomes your tribe. The cohesion of the tribe must be maintained by coordinated activities, which often take the form of afflicting those not in the tribe. It occurs in many other group environments as well, even without the residential arrangement. Generally when students leave the school those old bonds and wounds are forgotten," then she glared at Snape, "but some people never forget them."

"Minerva, you know I was treated more harshly then most."

"Partly because you gave as good as you got, and partly because you rejected your own housemates' company as well: as to some of them, that is to your credit. But Severus, this is not James. Look at him," she urged.

Snape glanced in Harry's direction, and then, when McGonagall cocked her head to say that wasn't good enough, he looked at Harry squarely. Harry looked back at him passively, not knowing what it was that McGonagall wanted him to see. In a few seconds, he turned away, and muttered, "Those eyes!"

Harry looked quizzically at McGonagall and she smiled back at him. "Severus," she continued gently, "tell him what you have told me. He needs to know more about his mother. He needs to hear it from those who were affected by her, and it would serve you well to say it - to him."

Snape sneered in a way that Harry had only seen previously when Neville had turned in a particularly inept potion, but then his face relaxed as he relented. "As you wish, Minerva, I can deny you nothing."

"Potter," Snape began in a low resigned tone, looking off out the small window, "through all the sessions of Occlumency training, it was more of an anguish to me than you'll ever know to stare into your eyes. At all other times, I could look at the rest of your appearance and see only your father. Seeing him when I saw you, it was only by a great effort that I continued to treat you as even-handedly as I did."

Harry started to protest, but McGonagall placed a hand gently on his arm and very subtly shook her head to stop him, and gave him an understanding wink.

"But for the Occlumency lessons, as you know," Snape shifted his gaze toward the fireplace, and its gentle flames, "I had to peer into your eyes and see nothing but them. They are very much your mother's eyes."

"So I have been told many times, Professor."

Snape glanced sidelong at him and then turned back to the flicker of the fire. "Yes, unmistakably so. And as we have seen these past few days, the resemblance is more than just the color. She could look past the facades we all erect to each other and reach into the person - and give succor to that which is healthy within." The next words came as if wrenched out of him, "An ability you have shown these past few days. Of course, I had already confirmed this to the Headmaster, for I recognized it the times your mind reached within mine."

Snape groaned. "How I loathed having you reach into my mind, most of all because even with all the animosity I knew you felt for me somehow you did so without contempt, or condemnation, or rejection, but instead, as your mother would have, with understanding, leaving me with a feeling of relief from the monsters of my past. To receive that from the son of James Potter was torture."

Harry felt he must respond. "I apologize if I gave you unwanted relief. I can assure you I had no desire to make any part of your life better."

Snape seemed almost to smile. "No, I'm sure not, at least on the surface, but down deep you are Lily's boy, and such sympathy was central to her being."

Snape continued. "As you have no doubt gathered from what you have seen in me, and from your talks with your father's friends, I was a rather unsociable, malevolent, morose and cynical youth. Not nearly the pleasant, amiable chap I am today." Harry started to speak but Snape held up a hand to stop him and went on. "I know you do not perceive me that way, Potter, but all things are relative. I used to be much more unpleasant."

McGonagall stifled a smile and said, "I'll vouch for that, Severus. The staff were so offended by you they used to hold contests to devise suitably horrid detentions for you."

"You... got detentions?" asked Harry.

"Of course I did! You don't think I'd let your father's band get away with their antics unanswered, do you? Perhaps muggles have to just take such treatment at the hands of a stronger group, but wizards have all manner of tools available." Snape's eyes sparkled with malevolent glee as he remembered the dark magic he had employed against his rivals and tormentors. "They had the admiration and the friendships, but they were not going to get away with everything they did unanswered."

McGonagall added, "As a loner, Severus was quite the easy target for several groups, especially your father and his friends. I think they recognized in him the power and determination that you no doubt can see in him, and particularly resented him for his darkness - which, I might add, he brought with him on his own."

"Not entirely on my own, Minerva," Snape corrected.

"No, you're right, Severus. Both of your parents filled you with much of it, didn't they?" She sighed. "In the long run, it probably served Severus's opponents well, as they were prepared to deal with dark magic when they went into the world. Your parents were able to thwart and escape Voldemort several times in no small part due to the techniques your father learned in his schoolday sparring with Severus."

Snape resumed his explanation. "Your mother, though, was another matter. Of course, she was popular, too, but she always resisted the urgings to join in having fun at others' expense. She did it quite effortlessly as well. Often those who refuse to join a group's bullying are rejected and made the subject of taunts as well. Your mother avoided that, somehow. Perhaps it was her complete lack of guile or animosity, maybe it was her special magic. Even when she was angry or putting a stop to something horrid someone was doing, she never did so with anything aught but kindness. I still cannot comprehend that.

"She reached out, as well, to bring all of the outcasts into the mainstream. Lupin kept very much to himself at first - not the same way that I did, but he was very secretive and silent. Of course, we all know why. Lily saw the kind soul within him - even I can acknowledge that much about him, though I still resent him for the company he kept - and talked with him, eventually drawing him out and allowing him to be an active part of the school and Gryffindor House. Except, of course, when there was a full moon.

"She noticed me, as well. Unlike ... others, however, she was not looking for a victim but someone to be kind to. I was more resistant to her than Lupin, more fool me. I didn't want to let anyone get past my shell, especially not some Gryffindor mu-, erm, muggleborn."

Harry had a feeling he knew exactly what word Snape had started to say as his voice had risen at the end. Snape took the last sip of his liqueur and McGonagall took his glass to the mantle and poured him a bit more. He composed himself again.

"Nonetheless she persisted. She would speak kindly to me whenever she could. She helped me when things had happened, whether they were my own errors or things done to me. Even when fellow Slytherins would not lend a hand, Lily was there. Even when I raved against my tormenters, or blamed the world for my situation, Lily was there - pleasant, kind, understanding. I often wondered if she was mentally deficient, as I assumed all muggles and muggleborns must be."

Harry started to get red in the face, but Snape continued, "Calm yourself, Potter. I learned it was not so. In fact, by the end of fourth year, I had seen much of the world in a new light. I didn't know at the time the effect that Lily - and you - had on people, bringing out their best, but I see now how it was working on me. But in fifth year I was quite single-minded in preparing for OWLs. I allowed myself no opportunity for any socializing. Every spare moment was spent studying or practicing. Seeing that I was constructively occupied, and generally avoiding your father and his friends, Lily turned her attentions to others in need. I would have liked to have spent time talking with her - she was as soothing as murtlap on a wound - but I would allow no such dalliance. I was determined to excel on my OWLs."

Harry remembered his own use of murtlap when his hand was so damaged by Professor Umbridge's quill. Involuntarily he rubbed the back of his right hand, remembering the pain, as well as the relief of the murtlap. He well understood Snape's comparison.

Snape was shaking his head sadly. "I grabbed for the proverbial brass ring and missed what really was important."

Then something occurred to Harry that knotted his stomach with revulsion.

"Did you ... love her?"

"No!" Snape snapped viciously.

McGonagall smiled. "As you can tell from the vehemence of his response, the answer is yes, Harry."

Snape glared like an angry, cornered beast, and then put down his emotions. "I'm not sure. I felt strongly for her, but I hated myself for such feelings toward a ... muggleborn. I think anyone who had a chance to know her could have loved her - if he could allow himself to. I could never have brought ... one of that kind home. We purebloods are not supposed to mix with that kind, so I had always been taught: perhaps for playing with, but never for any sort of commitment. Truth be told, I don't think most purebloods are allowed the luxury of affection for anything but their genealogies. By the end of the year, I was thinking quite longingly of sitting and spending time with her, but then at the last quidditch match, Potter was badly injured, and she had to use her life-saving magic to keep him alive. From then on they became closer and closer, and I never again had a chance to speak with her like we had in earlier years."

"Is that why you have such an intense hate for my father?"

"I'm sure I would have animosity for him anyway, as I do for Black and Lupin and Pettigrew, but your father stole her away. Oh, no trickery or force, I am not accusing. But if you are ever fortunate enough to meet a woman like that, Potter, but she goes to someone else, you will know how deep bitterness can run. And then he led her into defiance of the Dark Lord, and that was too much for me. A sparkling gem such as that should be guarded, not placed in harms' way. So I joined the Death Eaters, hoping that I would be the one to be able to kill Potter. Alas, my skills were more needed as a potion brewer and I did not have my chance. Then there was word of a Prophecy, which the Dark Lord only had part of, and he looked for the birth of sons among his enemies. When you and Longbottom were born, he determined to kill both families. I tried ever so carefully to present reasons not to kill Lily, but he would take no chances. When Pettigrew turned on your parents and I knew what would happen to her, I could remain no longer. I came to Dumbledore, pledged my loyalty and told him all I knew. I let him look into my mind with no use of Occlumency and he could see that I could not support someone who could bring harm to Lily. That is why he knew he could trust me. From that day I was the Dark Lord's most implacable enemy. Dumbledore tried to prevent the attack at Godrics' Hollow but he was too late."

"It all makes sense now," said Harry, "except ... wait, now I understand something else. The memory you put in the pensieve - and I am very sorry I invaded that, I truly am - at first I thought you hid that because of how you had been embarrassed, but that wasn't it: you had other embarrassments, a few of which I saw. And then I thought it was because you were hiding how my father had gotten the best of you - but there were other times for that as well: you didn't hide those. You were hiding how you had reacted to my mother, weren't you?"

Snape closed his eyes sadly and nodded. "I was still very conflicted over her being muggleborn. I was also angry with that whole Gryffindor gang of bullies, and more than a little anxious from the OWLs. When your mother stepped in to protect me, to save me, it was more than I could handle and I called her ... that word. I couldn't stand being protected either by a woman or especially by a muggleborn, particularly as it was so public. Reacting as I did was ... rash, nay reprehensible. I hated myself immediately for it, not least of all because in the years to come I felt I had pushed her toward Potter."

"I can understand that, Professor," said Harry sympathetically, "in the rush of events, it's very easy to say regrettable things and take regrettable actions. I know I have done so and been hurt by others doing so. Do you still have trouble with muggleborns?"

"I try to look at people for their talents, but it can be very difficult to root out a lifetime's training. I was taught that muggles are the lowest form of filth, and the closer one is to muggles, the filthier one is."

"Sirius has told me of being taught to think like that. So when I showed up here at Hogwarts with James's appearance, a muggleborn mother's eyes, and a thoroughly muggle upbringing, I must have seemed about as low as could be."

Snape's mouth twitched and then he said, "Certainly, and your great fame and adulation over something which not only did you not put any effort into but which also seemed to have been dependent on Lily's death just added to the cause for contempt."

"I understand that, Professor. You may not believe this, but I often tried to avoid all that 'Boy Who Lived' notoriety. It felt wrong to take credit for something I had no conscious part of. Even recently, I was not too thrilled with the attention put on me, but at least I could accept it was based on things in which I had taken an active role. Mostly the war was fought by others, but I had a hand in preparing them, so I was made the focal point."

"Harry Potter!" snapped Professor McGonagall. "You have gone beyond healthy modesty with that! The training you gave all your students was stellar and you took the hardest tasks yourself, even after bearing horrible stress over our strategy. You will not hide from your great accomplishments around me!"

"If I were around you only, I would have felt more comfortable doing so. I know what I have done, but I also know that every bit of it required all of those on our team. I could not have faced that army alone, others took that. I could not have continued to heal or survived the killing curse again without sharing the strength of my friends. I may have been key, but the victory is ours, not mine."

Snape peered at Harry through narrowed eyes. "I still can't say I'm fond of you, but I'll admit you've become a passable wizard."

Harry suppressed a smile - a passable wizard, indeed. Still, it was as high a compliment as he had ever heard from Snape, or was likely to.

"Well, then, now that we've cleared the air on a few things, shall we eat?" invited Professor McGonagall.