Talking to My Parents

Talking With A Stag

Harry sat next to a small pond deep in the Forbidden Forest. He was alone, which he knew wasn't smart, but he didn't care. The closer the war got, the more he wished to be alone. Ron and Hermione had become increasingly annoying in their vigilant watch over him. It wasn't easy to get away from them, but he had finally managed; after deliberately starting a fight between the two, he was able to slip away unnoticed.

He enjoyed this spot more than any other place on the Hogwarts school grounds. It was quiet, peaceful, and secluded, everything he wanted at this moment. He couldn't explain why, but he always felt safe here. It was the only place he could feel safe, it was a feeling he had forgotten until he found this spot earlier in the year.

A gentle breeze blew his fringe off of his forehead. He tilted his head towards it; he enjoyed the cooling effect it had on his scar, which had been burning consistently all year. He felt warm and cool at the same time, he felt at peace. He sighed into the wind, hoping this feeling would never end.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling of leaves behind him and he jumped to his feet, pointing his wand towards where the noise had come from. There, framed in a ray of sunlight, was a stag. It was the largest stag he'd ever seen, proud and strong, with antlers that seemed too heavy even for the great animal to hold up.

Harry was reminded forcefully of his Patronus, and therefore of his father, and he lowered his wand. Their eyes met and they regarded each other with respect. Harry sat back down, but he didn't take his eyes off of the intimidating animal.

The stag also didn't look away as he entered the clearing and slowly made his way to the pond.

"You remind me of my father," Harry spoke without meaning to.

The stag watched him closely as it lowered its mouth to the pond to take a drink.

"He could turn himself into a stag," Harry continued without knowing exactly why. "He died when I was a baby... he died because of me." He frowned and for the first time turned away from the stag, as though it pained him to continue looking at it.

It glanced up at Harry and cocked its head to the side.

"He was trying to save me from Voldemort." The stag seemed to shudder and Harry wondered if animals knew about the dark wizard as well. "My mum died too, and now... I suppose it's my turn."

The stag took a cautious step towards him, but stopped as Harry continued speaking.

"The war's coming and it's either Voldemort or me. One has to die. 'Neither can live while the other survives' and all that. Some days I wish... I wish it will be me." Harry looked at the creature and wondered why he was still talking to it. Why he felt he could express his fears and feelings to a witless animal when he couldn't bear the thoughts himself.

"It's not that I want Voldemort to win. But I'm just so tired. Tired of being 'Famous Harry Potter: The Boy Who Bloody Lived.'" He sighed. "Everyone still looks at me like I'm either cracked or some savior. I'm neither. I'm sick of it!"

The stag flinched at Harry's sudden outburst, but stayed rooted to his spot.

"I don't want to fight, I want to graduate from school, be a Quidditch player, or work at the Ministry.... I don't want to be a hero. I never did, it just happened. I look at Ron and Hermione, and I can't help but want to be them for just a day. No one knows who they are. They haven't got scars that announce who they are before they can open their bloody mouths....

"Why do they stay with me? I mean, they have a choice; they aren't like me. They weren't forced a destiny. They are willing to fight... to die... for me. Why? And if I were them, would I choose the same path? I can say that I would, but really... would I? I just don't know.

"People think I'm so brave... but I'm not. I just react... stupidly at times. If it weren't for me, Cedric and Sirius would be alive. If I didn't have to 'do the right thing' I would have been the only one to touch that sodding portkey at the Triwizarding Tournament. Cedric would have lived. If I hadn't been such a pompous prat Sirius never would have had to come to save me at the Ministry... he never would have fallen. I'm not brave. I'm just stupid....

"Can I be selfish? Just leave, disappear where no one can find me...? No, I can't even run. I have to see it end. If not, every one and every thing is lost. I truly haven't a choice. I can't run; I can't force others to run. I can't do anything but fight. Why the bloody hell was I chosen?

"I just want to be a normal seventeen year-old!" He laughed at this statement. "I suppose I can't be a normal seventeen year-old. Being a wizard isn't exactly normal, is it? I never thought I'd welcome being a Muggle, but the closer this war comes... the more I wish I were normal. Magic has given me everything. But it also stole everything from me. My parents, my godfather, my freedom. If my parents had just been normal Muggles... I wonder what my life could have been like...

"If they hadn't been wizards, they wouldn't have been killed, I never would have lived with the Dursleys. I would have had a normal childhood, free of scars and magic. I'd have had friends, and gone to parks and played, and bloody ate whenever I wanted to.

"But I never would have flown a broom, or played Quidditch. I never would have met Ron and Hermione... or Sirius." He sighed again. "Either way I lose something precious. Why? What made me stand out that the fates said, 'That's the one! That's the one who gets the life of heartache and torture! That's the one who loses everything!'?"

Harry looked back at the stag, silently amazed that it had stayed for his rant. "Why should I bother? Even if I win, I still have to kill Voldemort. I don't want to kill anyone, even him. Killing someone, I imagine, is like killing a bit of your soul as well. If I do win, and Voldemort is gone forever, would I still be the same person? Or would I change into something unrecognizable? And what's to stop another dark wizard from picking up where he left off? What's the bloody point?"

The stag took a few more cautious steps towards him; it stopped a few feet from where Harry sat. Harry smiled weakly at it. "Why am I talking to you? I must be as mad as most think I am."

The stag stood next to Harry, staring out at the surface of the pond. Harry followed its gaze; a doe and a small fawn stood in the shadows of the trees. The stag watched them carefully for a few moments and turned to look once more at Harry.

"Is that your family?"

The stag turned back to the deer across the pond, watching them.

"Family..." Harry whispered, almost silently. The stag left Harry, and walked around the pond to where the other deer stood. Harry watched almost transfixed by the animals. The stag towered over the other two deer, it lowered its head to its mate and they nuzzled each other's noses. The baby fawn jumped and frolicked happily around its parents.

"Family," Harry repeated. "That's the point."

The stag turned back to Harry, their eyes met again and both inclined their heads to the other in mutual understanding. Harry watched as the family of deer walked away from the pond and into the forest.

"My family died for me.... But I was given a new family. Ron, Hermione, the Weasleys, Dumbledore, Remus... they are my family now. And they'd do anything for me... it's up to me to make sure they don't have to die for me, too. It's time to stop thinking of my ruddy pathetic life and myself. It's their lives that truly matter. I was chosen to fight. But I chose what side to fight on. Dumbledore said so. I chose my family. And now I'll fight for them, I'll die for them, if it comes to that, I know I would."

Harry stood and headed back towards the castle, hoping Ron and Hermione were too busy "making up" to notice he had gone.

~The End~