Not Just an Empty Emotion

Chapter 12-Admission

"Please, Harry. Call me Swan. Professor sounds so...unfriendly."

Harry was shocked, not only did this woman seem to be telepathic, he had also just revealed a huge secret to her and she had come up with that.

"Yes, Harry. I am telepathic-it was a little something extra I received from my mothers side. Not all Lady Seers are telepathic. It's a very rare gift, and not always one I exactly welcome. You have guessed that it is how I would have retrieved the information from you?"

"Um...y-yes," Harry stammered.

"Harry, please relax. I know you've just made a huge revelation to me as well as yourself, but I am not disgusted, or ashamed, and nor has my opinion of you changed one jot-except to think that maybe you are even braver than I thought. That's a big revelation you've just made, and I'm guessing it's scared you?"

"Yeah, yeah it has. I'd forced myself to believe it wasn't true. I was telling myself it was his fault, and that I only kissed him because I wanted to see what it felt like. And I tried to ignore the fact that I'd enjoyed it" said Harry. "Prof- er, I mean, Swan, I don't have to tell you who it is, do I?" he pleaded.

"Harry, you know you do," she said softly, her low voice full of sympathy for him. "No one else need know except me. I can deal with the connection myself, it won't take anyone else. You know you have to, I really don't want to have to retrieve it myself, I want you to keep your dignity."

"I can't tell you. He'd kill me!"

"No he wouldn't. He'd understand if he's worth his salt. He needn't know, for a while at least. And we could tell him together, so he didn't have a chance to be angry with you."

Harry nodded, happy for now to let someone else take over the situation for him.

"So..." she asked. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"You're going to hate me."
Swan said nothing, only blinked her beautiful eyes.

"You have to understand," Harry went on, "I have reasons. He's not bad anymore. He's...more human now. I still hate myself for liking him. He's such a bastard..."

He took a deep breath and braced himself, holding onto his belief in Malfoy as he did so.

"It's Draco Malfoy."

Swan had prepared herself for a shock, but not this much of a shock. Her eyes widened and she suppressed a gasp.

"See," said Harry quietly. "I told you you wouldn't like it."

"You said you could explain, Harry," she said breathlessly, "Please do."

Harry told her of when Malfoy had described to Harry the events of the previous summer, where Voldemort was living, how they had kissed and how the connection had grown, faded and then seemingly gone before returning again. He told her of the kisses, and the secrets and the trust between them, even though Malfoy was still the same arrogant bastard he always had been.

"So you see, Professor, I hate him but I can't stop myself liking him. No matter how hard I try..." he finished sadly. Swan still didn't look happy, but seemed to have accepted it more readily than Ginny had done.

"We'll leave it until after Christmas. We can't do anything about the connection before then. You and Mr Malfoy will be able to enjoy Christmas in peace..." she still looked slightly shocked.

"Thank you, Swan."

"Not at all Harry. I'll keep it secret. Do what your heart tells you. If Malfoy feels the same then go for it."

"Thanks," he said again. He drained his cup and set it down.

"Goodbye, Harry," she said, "come to me if you need to talk."

"I will do. Bye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, you know what his problem is, Swan?"

"Yes, Uncle. It's-er...sensitive. Teenage stuff. And very personal...I think he only told me because he knows I am so young...I promised him I wouldn't tell, it's his secret." And she added in an undertone so that Dumbledore couldn't hear (at least he made no sign that he had heard her words) "and he knows one of my own secrets..."

"Oh, no of course not. You mustn't tell! You didn't have to use...less than desirable methods, did you?"

"No. He did well. He told me willingly-he's braver and stronger than people give him credit for."

"Oh yes, I know that. Do you know the third party in the connection?"

"Yes."

"Good," said Dumbledore, closing his eyes and relaxing back into the high-backed chair, "Good. I knew you'd do it, Swan. Harry is a great asset to us, but we need to protect him. We all owe it to James and Lily."

"Yes. We do. Uncle, could I ask you something?"

"Mmm?"

"Once the spell is performed, and we have the connection diverted to the Order, no one will find out the third member, will they?"

"Not if he or she does not wish it to be known, no," Dumbledore smiled.

"Good, I promised Harry. I don't want to break the promise-he a great kid. The perfect mixture of his mum and dad and yet so bloody individual..."

Dumbledore raised one eyebrow, despite the fact that his eyes were still closed. "I think there's something else you wanted to say, Swan?"

"Well...yeah," said Swan, smiling. Sometimes it felt more as though it was Albus who was telepathic, not the other way around. "If I was to, er, aid someone in a certain way...a certain illegal way...would you protect me?"

"Swan, I know you well enough and trust you such that I know the spells you perform are not dark magic. The law has some very harsh rules on certain spells that are, unfortunately, beyond anyone's power to make legal. Of course I shall protect you because I know the spell should not be illegal."

Swan hesitated before saying, "I will not betray your trust, Uncle."

"Thank you," the old wizard's voice sounded almost amused. He opened his eyes at last and looked at Swan before pouring her a cup of tea from an invisible kettle. "Will you be able to perform the diversion spell alone?"

"Oh, yes. I don't think there's a witch or wizard alive who could perform it more effectively...even if I do say so myself."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "You look sad, my dear," he said suddenly.

"Sad?" Swan repeated, "N-no Albus. I'm not...I'm perfectly happy."

Dumbledore ignored this and said, "Am I right in thinking that this has something to do with...love?"

Swan frowned and turned pink, "I have no idea what you are talking about, Uncle. Stop making preposterous suggestions like that or I will be forced to put a semi-lock on your mouth!"

Dumbledore sighed an amused sigh and muttered under his breath, "Just like her mother..."

"What?" Swan shot at him.

Dumbledore just laughed at the expression on her face, and she showed him her tongue.

"Ah, my dear niece. So innocent, yet so wise. Second-to-none. Well, if you absolutely refuse to tell me your secret I will just have to bide my time and wait patiently I suppose... you will crack eventually my dear. You cannot hold it forever."

"I can!" she said indignantly, "I daresay you will find out eventually but rest assured it will be when I decide to tell you!"

"Oh, of course, my dear. When you choose to tell me. Of course."

Swan frowned at him, but could not remain angry. Once again Dumbledore's only reply was to chuckle at her expression.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Christmas grew closer and Hogwarts was drowned in a flurry of snow, excitement rose inside the castle. On the very last day of term a banquet was held in the Great Hall with it's swirling silver ceiling, and Harry and Ron filled the common room with Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, knowing full well that Harry would pay for it dearly if Filch found out before he could clean it up.

Most of the students piled out of the front doors at 10am the next day and, fighting against the snow-storm, made their way towards Hogsmead and the Hogwarts Express which would take them home. Hermione gave Harry a hug that almost stopped him breathing and a kiss on the cheek. "You'll be OK, Harry. We'll write every day!" she said, sounding as though she was leaving against her better judgement.

"Yeah," said Ron, looking sincere.

"Look, I'll be fine you two, stop fussing! Bugger off home and have a bloody good Christmas!"

He smiled at them, and waved to them from the stone steps until they rounded a corner past Hagrid's hut and were of sight. He sighed heavily and turned to go back inside, alone. He walked slowly up the many staircases towards the North Tower, feeling the same as he had when Ron and Hermione had first gone to Hogsmead without him. He had an idea in his head of eating all the toasted marshmallows he could, whilst lying in bed...

"Potter..." called a voice.

He jumped and looked up, startled. He couldn't see anything. It must've been his imagination; he carried on climbing the stairs.

"Potter!" there it was again...what was it? He looked all around, and over the banister. Probably Peeves he thought bitterly.

"Oy! Potter!" the voice shouted.

He looked up to see Malfoy leaning over one of the banisters above, calling his name. Back to his old tricks.

"Hi," said Harry walking to the landing, where Malfoy was now standing, he frowned slightly as he said, "I haven't seen you for ages. I wanted to talk to you."

"Well, let's go and talk. We've got all the time we need now. The whole of the holidays...no one else around..."

"I know. That's what I wanted to talk about."

"Oh, yeah?" said Malfoy, steering him into an empty classroom, his eyebrows raised expectantly.

They sat down and Harry, deciding he might as well come right out and say it, said, "How come you're staying for Christmas?"

"My Father asked me to. He wants me to 'keep an eye on things'. God knows what the hell that means...I was going to refuse but I thought, what's the alternative? Going home? To hell? To him? To Voldemort?"

"I suppose so. So, are you the only Slytherin left behind?"

"No. There's some first year git. But he spends most of his time in his dorm, so I'll be left to my own devices for two weeks...lovely."

Harry laughed. "Who else is staying?" he asked.

"Well, there's us two, then there's two Ravenclaws and all the Hufflepuffs have gone home...and I think that's it. Six of us. How jolly this holiday will be..." he said sarcastically.

Harry laughed again, and after a silence he said, "Shall we go somewhere more comfortable? I feel all exposed in here..."

"Yeah," said Malfoy, "Where, though? I could take you to the Slytherin common room if you like. The Kid will be in his dorm...and I think Snape's to busy trying to get Jupiter's attention to bother about checking we're being good and staying in our own common rooms." They started walking down the stairs that Harry had just climbed.

"OK. It is still as horrible as it was last time I went in there?"

"What? When did you ever go in there?"

"Oh...never mind. But I did, and it was horrible."
"Oh, thanks, Potter!"

"Sorry, but it's true!"

"I know, I know. But It's home," he seemed almost sad to say this.

*

They were outside a stretch of blank stone wall, deep in the Dungeons.

"Hairy Beasts," said Malfoy flatly.

"Oh, how very original!" teased Harry.

"Hey, don't complain at me! I don't make them up.... though whoever does should be sent to Azkaban...last month it was 'Green Curse'."

They went into the dimly green-lit room beyond as the wall split smoothly into two. It was exactly as Harry remembered, with the same hardened features, uncomfortable wooden furniture, and strangely cold fire.

They sat down opposite each other, and Malfoy conjured up two glasses and a jug of icy pumpkin juice out of mid air.

They had a proper conversation-the first one they had had without it being about feelings, or the situation they had found themselves in. It was a nice feeling, as though they were becoming closer with every word. They fell silent after a while, and drank, enjoying the quiet.

"Malfoy?" said Harry suddenly.

"What?" Malfoy sounded slightly worried.

"Why did you say 'You're dead, Potter' at the end of last year?" Harry demanded.

"Because..." Malfoy hesitated, "Because firstly I was pissed off at the time about you getting my dad sent to Azkaban, second, I was expected to, and third...I honestly thought it was true."

Harry sat, stunned for a moment. "And now?" he asked.

It looked as though it was talking Malfoy a lot of effort to reply. Finally he closed his eyes, screwed up his face and said in what was barely a whisper, "I don't know...maybe. Yes."

Harry looked away.

"I don't mean it like that!" Malfoy said quickly. "I just mean there's a lot of danger out there, Potter. You've got to be careful...we both have. Everyone has..."

"I'm not going to worry my life away, Malfoy," said Harry determinedly; he held his head up high as he spoke, "I need you to know that. I know what I want."

"And what's that?" asked Malfoy, tensely.

Harry stood up and walked over to Malfoy. He bent over slowly and kissed his lips softly.

"I can't tell you yet," he said. "Soon." And he walked over to the wall and left Malfoy sitting alone and confused, his lips tingling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry was sitting on the floor in the Gryffindor common room in front of the fire, staring into its blue-ish heart. He couldn't decide weather he was happy or miserable. He'd had barely a moment to think about what he'd told Jupiter, and now he wasn't sure what he should be thinking. He supposed he was happy that he'd finally been able to admit his feelings. He wasn't sure he had accepted it yet but as Jupiter said, admission was a start.

And as for who the feelings were for?

Draco Malfoy...prize git. They may be friends now, but it didn't stop Malfoy being an arse. Maybe that was one of the things Harry found attractive about him? He didn't know. In fact, for all Harry knew he might not have had feelings for Malfoy at all, he might simply have been in the right place at the right time.

One thing was for sure: he had to work it all out. OK, so he'd made a big step admitting it to himself, but he still hadn't told anyone other than Swan-not even Malfoy. But what if the object of my affections isn't Malfoy? He kept thinking, What if it's someone else? What if I don't even know who it is yet? It could be a girl...

He tried to imagine kissing another boy...Dean, or Justin Finch-Fletchley...he tried so hard but he couldn't do it-every time he did his mind would just wander back to the memories of his and Malfoy's passionate kisses, as it so often did these days.

And eventually his body began to respond to the images his mind was conjuring up.

He made no effort to stop it any more.

*

Harry had tossed and turned for hours in his bed before finally getting to sleep that night. It was a strange sensation having the whole tower to himself, and if he was honest with himself he didn't particularly like it; it felt wrong.

Tap, tap, tap!

Harry's eyes snapped open in the dark, he could see nothing.

Tap, tap, tap!

The noise was getting louder...

Tap, tap, tap!

"What the f-?" He muttered angrily as he reached for his glasses in the dark. He stuck his head through the split in his hangings and squinted around. At first he didn't see anything unusual, but suddenly he noticed the light distributed across the floor was twinkling and flickering slightly. He looked at the window opposite his bed and shouted out in relief; a large owl was hovering in the air outside, beating its huge wings, and tapping on the window with its squat beak.

Harry got out of bed, crossed the room and opened the window. Immediately he recoiled as a sharp blast of freezing air entered the room along with the spirals of snow the owl brought inside with it.

As soon as Harry had retrieved the letter the owl flew out of the window and up towards the moon. Harry sent a spell at the window and it shut with a bang. He settled on his bed to read it by the light of a flaming torch. The handwriting looked as though it should have been tidy, but it was slightly shaky.

Dear Harry, [it read]

We thought we'd write to you now, just to check you're okay and not feeling too lonely without us! We've been on the train for a few hours, but it's so boring...you're not here to talk to, and Ginny went to the toilet about an hour ago and hasn't come back yet.

Anyway, I just wanted to say we miss you already, and that we'll see you soon! I-oh, hang on, the trolley's just come round and Ron wants to borrow a Galleon.

Harry smiled at Hermione's fussiness. The handwriting changed now, and became almost illegible, so Harry had to guess at a lot of the words:

Hi Harry, don't get too depressed by yourself. If you get bored try and sneak into the girls' bedrooms without getting caught out-ow! Hermione just hit me- or you could always set fire to Snape's office...

Don't let Malfoy get you down, you know what he's like. If he gives you any shit just throw it right back at him-he hasn't got his ickle fwends there to save his sorry ass. Give him hell from us if he tries anything.

We'll write to you soon, have fun!

Ron & Hermione

xxxx

Harry laughed, but couldn't help thinking what a completely pointless letter it was. And it had woken him up...

He yawned and crawled back into bed, hoping they weren't going to bother him constantly...he had better things to be getting on with...