Not Just an Empty Emotion

Chapter 11-Conversation

Dear Harry,

I hope school's okay, and that you, Ron and Hermione haven't run into any trouble. I'm sorry I haven't written for a while, it's been very busy around Grimmauld Place, and the Order has been having a meeting per night. With Severus incapacitated and unable to make the Wolfsbane Potion it's been like a living hell here, you have no idea. Dumbledore has charmed one of the rooms so I can lock myself in there at full moon...

Anyway, enough about me, how are you? I hope you're keeping out of trouble, (I sound like Molly now) and that you're happy. If you have any problems whatsoever please call on me. I may not be Sirius but I hope you can talk to me. Send me a letter, speak through the fire, I don't mind-I'm always here.

As it's nearly Christmas I was going to ask you what you wanted to do? You could come back here, but it's a bit crowded at the moment. We have so many extra guests and the meetings take over the place...Ron is going back to The Burrow but Molly asked me to tell you that she sends her sincerest apologies but it would really be impossible to have Harry over too. Hermione is going back to her parent's for Christmas-they insisted on taking her skiing, no doubt making up for last year. And I have a feeling Dumbledore would like you to stay at Hogwarts where you're safest...

It's your choice, though, mate.

Speak to you soon hopefully, and Merry Christmas!

Remus

Harry read the letter in his dormitory, smiling slightly both at the letter and the memory of Sirius. He got out a quill straight away and loaded it with ink. He was about to start writing a reply when he paused. Could what he wanted to say really be said in a letter? It was far too important for that, surely? He wasn't even sure what he wanted to say, exactly. Perhaps if he wanted to discuss things they would come out easier if the conversation was face to face...

He bent over and put his quill, parchment and Lupin's letter back inside his bedside cabinet, and instead took out a small, red cloth bag. He got slowly out of bed and looked around the room. All four boys were asleep with the bed hangings drawn shut; he could hear Neville snoring slightly, and Dean muttering in his sleep.

He crept to the small fireplace and used his wand to conjure up a squishy mat to kneel on comfortably. Crouching down he threw a pinch of what was in the bag into the fire and immediately the flames turned green, and began to roar like a waterfall. He stuck his head in the fire, welcoming it's gentleness.

"Grimmauld Place, Lupin" he said clearly.

He closed his eyes while he was transported, only opening them again when he was sure it had stopped. He found himself looking at a fairly large room with a double bed, and shelves full of books. A tatty suitcase beneath the bed held peeling letters reading "P..r...s..r R...J...up..n". In the bed Harry could see the form of a man, breathing shallowly.

"Er...R-Remus?" he called uncertainly, "Remus?"

The man snorted but did not wake up.

"Remus!" he said a little louder. The man stirred and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Mgh?" he grumbled.
"Remus...it's me. Harry. I got your letter."

"Harry!" Remus jumped silently off the bed and sprinted to the fireplace, kneeling down to come face-to-face with Harry. "How are you?" he sounded slightly shocked to see Harry, after all he's had no word from him since they had parted at the end of the Summer.

"I'm fine," said Harry, "Just...you know."

"No..." Lupin said.

"Well, just, teenage problems. Junk like that. So, how are you?" Harry asked, spinning the conversation round. "Are you okay? How's the Order?"

"Everything's fine here, nothing to worry about. Are you coming back for Christmas?"

"Well, obviously I wanted to, but I think it's be best if I stayed here. If Dumbledore thinks it's best..." then he said, "I wanted to see you though, at Christmas."

Lupin looked surprised but at the same time rather pleased. It seemed that Harry was finally beginning to accept him as his new guardian, and stopped resenting him taking Sirius' role in his life.

"I wanted to see you too. Still, never mind, plenty of time for that, eh?"

"Yeah."

"Harry, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes! I'm fine honestly. Just a bit stressed. And that whole thing with Snape and the Death Arch is kind of worrying."

"Yes, Dumbledore told me about that. What were you doing wandering around school alone at night?" He sounded suddenly serious.

"Oh...it's like a connection. It connects me, Voldemort and- me and Voldemort. Anyway, I thought it had gone but obviously it hasn't. It came back...painful."

Lupin looked at him curiously, Harry cursed himself for almost letting something slip.

"You look ill," said Lupin. "Are you sure there's nothing else?"

"Positive," stressed Harry. Lupin didn't look convinced however, but he let it go. They spent the rest of their time talking about Quidditch, and the defeat of Slytherin. At half past two Lupin insisted Harry leave, so Harry reluctantly said goodbye and snuck back into his bed, thinking of Lupin's last words:

If you ever need advice on anything, talk to Swan Jupiter. Trust me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry got up late the next day, and spent most of the afternoon yearning for his bed. Professor McGonagall came round in the evening with the list of who would be staying for Christmas. It was a surprisingly short list, no doubt brought about by the fact that the Wizarding Community had finally accepted Lord Voldemort's return. He could only see six other names on the list.

Professor McGonagall closed the Fat Lady's portrait behind her as Harry sunk into a chair.

"Are you sure you'll be okay here by yourself? There's no one else from Gryffindor staying, Harry," asked Hermione in a worried voice.

"I'll be fine. It's only two weeks; I'm not completely unable to look after myself. Anyway, I'll have Dumbledore for company."

"And Malfoy," said Ron.

"WHAT?" yelled Harry, making most of the common room swivel round to stare at him. "Since when? How do you know?"

"I heard him telling Crabbe and Goyle this morning, seems his Daddy wants him to keep an eye on Dumbledore or something. Crabbe and Goyle's Mummies want them at home so they can be all safe."

Harry had gone very white, why was Malfoy staying? They needed to talk...

"Are you OK Harry?" persisted Hermione.

"Yeah...yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry..." but he wasn't sure if he was telling the whole truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry wanted to find Malfoy. He had been looking for him all day, but the git was nowhere to be found. His search was hindered by the fact that he couldn't go anywhere without Ron or Hermione. He made frequent excuses to get away from them, but they always seemed to be with him, wherever he went. He loved them dearly, and enjoyed their company, but right now he wished they would give him just a few minutes to himself.

By Dinnertime he had given up, deciding that he would see him the next day in Potions. He loaded his plate with Lamb, Gravy, Potatoes, Vegetables, Mint Sauce, and the traditional Mint Humbug.

"Where's Ginny?" said Ron, "I need to talk to her, mum's sent a letter about Christmas."

"I don't know," said Hermione. "She said she was going to see Hagrid about half an hour ago...she's probably just not hungry yet."

Ron snorted, "Ginny? Not hungry? Come off it."

Harry ignored the ensuing bickering about food and greed and took to his usual activity of looking around the hall. Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin...Kierre, Crabbe, Goyle. No Malfoy.

"What?" Harry muttered under his breath. No Ginny, no Malfoy...and Malfoy knew that she knew. "Shit!" he exclaimed, and began to shovel food into his mouth. He cleared his plate quickly and stood up.

"Harry, wait, where are you going?"

"Er.... I need...loo. I'm desperate, unavoidable I'm afraid!"

He grabbed the mint humbug, sprinted out of the doors and up the marble staircase. He had a bloody good idea where they'd be. He put the mint in his mouth just as he skidded to a halt outside the door. He listened but couldn't hear a sound inside. Raising his wand he bellowed "Alohomora!" and burst into Yesterday's Room as the door swung open.

Inside were Malfoy and Ginny, having a blazing row.

"-because I know how FRAGILE HE IS!" Malfoy screeched.

SHIT! Harry thought.

Malfoy and Ginny stopped yelling simultaneously and turned to look at him.

"Oh, look Weasley, it's your little friend," Malfoy spat.

"Be quiet, Malfoy," said Harry, locking the door behind him. What the hell is going on?"

Both Ginny and Malfoy burst into speech at the same time and didn't stop until Harry fired a Light-Head jinx at the two of them and they sank onto benches looking dizzy.

"Ginny?" asked Harry, "Talk."

"I was going down to see Hagrid and sadly I met Malfoy in the entrance hall. He started yelling at me, I couldn't make out what he was saying. Anyway, he told me we needed to talk and practically dragged me in here. He said you accidentally let slip that you told me and Malfoy seems to think I forced it out of you. He wants to know my secret," here she gave Harry a reproving glare, "but I've told him to fuck off, it's my business."

"I'm sorry," said Harry, ashamed of himself. "I shouldn't have told him-it was a complete accident, Gin, believe me."

"I believe you but I'm still angry!"

"Right. Malfoy?"

"What?" he said, sulkily.

"Oh for God's sake, Malfoy stop being a baby. Why did you do it?"

"Because I wanted to know why she was brainwashing you! She said she didn't trust me because of who I am- a Malfoy, which is a load of bollocks. She won't believe that I don't feel like a Malfoy."

"This is ridiculous! Look, let me explain then if either of you two have any problems then you can ask me at the end. Right?" he got no answer, so continued anyway. "I told Ginny about what happened, Malfoy, because I needed to speak to someone other than you and my own fucking head-"

"Great, so now you're fucking schizophrenic..." Malfoy muttered under his breath, but Harry ignored him.

"I told her what I needed to, not everything, but what I felt comfortable with. Now I've made my own decisions and I have my own feelings. She doesn't know about them."
"But why couldn't you tell me?!" Draco shouted.

"Because I knew you'd behave like this!" Harry said, exasperated, "Like a bloody baby!"

Malfoy stared at him, sulkily.

"I shouldn't have to explain myself for talking and confiding in a friend, OK!"

"S'pose," grunted Malfoy. Then, after a pause, "She says you want me as a friend..."

"I do! I really do, because I like you a lot, now you've finally come to your goddamned senses! But being like this isn't going to help anyone, Malfoy..."

"I know. It just pisses me off."

"Well I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say. Are you all sorted now? It' not Ginny's fault, she didn't make me tell her and she is the only one that knows. Ginny, I know you don't particularly like him but you have to trust him, and accept the fact that we're friends. I don't want to fall out with either of you over this. It's over now. All that's important is that we're still friends! Are you two going to stop arguing?"

"Fine," both Malfoy and Ginny said sullenly.

"Right. Thank you. You people are pathetic."

"Whatever, Potter. I'm going," Malfoy stood up.

"Bye, Malfoy," he said as the door was opened once again.

"Right. See you soon."

It seemed as friendly as Malfoy was going to get right now.

"Weasley, I hope I don't see you for a long time."

As the door swung shut again Harry yelled, "I'M NOT FRAGILE!"

Ginny sighed.

"He doesn't mean it," said Harry, "About not wanting you to see him. He's just acting in the only way he knows how. He's just miserable because he's been defeated."

"I know. It's not exactly like I want to see him either though..."

"But do you trust him now?"

"I...I accept him," she said carefully.

Harry smiled slightly as he hugged her tightly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson took place on Tuesday afternoon. Professor Jupiter was showing them how to block unfriendly spells-something Lockhart had never quite managed successfully.

They were having fun learning the charm and accompanying wand movement, and Hermione, Ron and Harry had all mastered it quickly. Hermione sent a Jelly Legs jinx at Ron at the same time as Professor Jupiter called "All right everyone, pack up-the bell's about to go," and he forgot to block it. He promptly fell over, landing in a heap on the floor. Jupiter laughed and waved her wand so he was able to stand again. "Nice one, Ron," she said, "Graceful, as always."

"Ha-ha," he replied sarcastically shoving his books back into his bag.

They made their way to the door to dump their bags in the tower before dinner, but before they could leave Professor Jupiter called out, "Harry, could you wait behind for a few minutes, I need to have a word with you about something."

"Er-OK," He said, confused.

"Want us to wait?" asked Ron.

"No, it's OK. I'll see you in dinner. You can take my bag, though. Thanks," said Harry.

Jupiter waited for the rest of the class to exit before crossing to the door and shutting it behind them. "Please sit, Harry," she said in her gentle voice.

Harry sat in a chair in front of her desk and she seated herself opposite him.

"Would you like a drink?" she asked. This seemed to be a fashion among Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers, Harry had noticed.

"OK," he said awkwardly, wondering why he was there. He couldn't recall doing anything wrong...

"I bet you're wondering why you're here, Harry?"

"Well...yeah," said Harry, could she read minds?

"Remus came to see me last night. He seems to think you have a few...worries."

"Apart from the usual..." he said, bitterly.

"I know all about 'the usual', Harry. You won't tell him everything though, will you?"

"Well...I can't. It's...personal," he said.

"I know teenagers harbour a lot of things inside their heads. I was one not so long ago. You can tell me Harry- maybe you can't talk to Remus because he was so close to your father, I don't know. But maybe you will be able to tell me because I knew your mother and father less well."

"You knew my parents?"

"I knew all the Marauders, Harry.

Harry sat shocked, saying nothing. The something stirred in his mind, "Hang on, Professor," he said, "Hermione told me that Lupin had never known you, so...how does that work?"

"I met the Marauders when I was very young, two years before you were born. When James died I lived through the emotions of the others, and then Pettigrew disappeared, and Sirius was imprisoned. Well, that left only Lupin. No one really knew we were friends, but we were. We were like best friends, both misfits, both hiding secrets. And, recently, when the Order became active again, we began to see each other more frequently than before, and...we grew close. Closer than before. We wanted to keep it secret, and I ask you not to tell anyone, but I suppose it will come out soon, anyway...my Uncle always was a nosy man," she smiled. "So, can you tell me?"

"Um.... I don't know."

"Well, if you don't I will be forced to retrieve it from you Harry, though that is never the best approach," her voice bore no sign of threat, just soft warning, "Remus is not the only one who has asked me to talk with you. Though he would not say why, the Headmaster has also asked me to have a chat."

Harry swallowed. But he couldn't tell.

"It's nothing to do with Voldemort, or the Order. It's my problem, and I need to sort it out myself."

"That is where you're wrong. I know you have a connection with Voldemort-and my sources tell me that the connection is shared with another person. And my own female intuition tells me that it is this person who is causing you the problems. We need to sort the problems out, Harry, but with only two known members of the connection that is currently impossible."

"I can't tell you though! I want to tell you, to help the connection, but I just can't, it's a shared problem!"

"Harry, you do not understand. I realise completely that you may not want to tell, but if you don't we cannot use this connection to effect. Currently the connection is a painful experience for you, you do not like it. We could prevent that-you'd still have it, it's a very useful tool, but others could be aware of it and we could use it to great effect. You, Voldemort and the other member will only be vaguely aware of it-if The Dark Lord is aware of it at all."

This speech was followed with silence.

"Let me tell you a story, Harry. When I was at school I was not the same as most of my classmates. I had a secret which no one but my closest family knew. I couldn't tell the few friends I had, I certainly couldn't tell a teacher. Only my uncle knew. Eventually, as I knew it must my secret came out. The whole school knew I was a Lady Seer. Magical beasts and creatures are common in our world, but Lady Seers are especially rare. People became fascinated with me, and because I was so different they didn't understand. They began to hate me. I only had one friend, and that was Remus Lupin, 15 years my senior. Once I left school I joined the Ministry of Magic, but I didn't particularly enjoy the job. Last summer when the Order reformed I joined straight away, partly at my Uncle' request. There, over the last year I have made many true friends, and Remus and I are rock solid. The revelation of my secret was not at all nice, but I knew that the more I denied and hid it the worse it would be when it came out. The repercussions were huge, but people got over it eventually. There were still those who disliked me, as there will always be when you seem a minority, but most accepted me. In the last few years the prejudices of this world have been tested to their limits, but I think now that people are more willing to accept you for who you are, if you're open and honest. You have to do it for yourself Harry, even if you only tell a select few people."

"Someone knows. I know, the person concerned knows, and so does someone else. She's in almost the same situation as me. Only, she's more open about it, she doesn't shout it but she doesn't deny it either."

"A friend knows, and that is good, Harry but you have to tell someone else-someone who can help the connection. Once I know I will tell no one Harry, I promise."

"I can't!" he cried helplessly, desperately.

"You know you must, Harry. You can't keep it to yourself. Denial will only make it worse, because you're denying it yourself too. I doubt you have admitted it to yourself yet. Follow your heart, do what you want to do. Live your life, because that's what it is-yours. Who gives a fuck what anyone else says? If it feels right then chances are, it is right."
Harry blinked at her in shock-no teacher had ever sworn in front of him before...Jupiter smiled at his confusion.

"I'm not sure if there even is anything to admit to myself..."

"What triggered the feelings inside you Harry? What triggered what you're not admitting?"

"Something happened, it's happened a few times."
"And did you enjoy it?"

"Yes..." Harry admitted, almost guiltily.

"Good. And did it feel right at the time?"

"Yes..." he breathed.

"Is there anything wrong with what you did?"

"Some people think so..."

"But do you think so?"

"I...n-no."

"Well then there you go. It's not wrong, you enjoyed it, and it felt right. What more is there to say? Sometimes you can even enjoy the guilt. You may be ashamed of what has happened, but you will come to terms with it sooner or later as long as you admit it to yourself. Once you have done that you can tell the world. From thereon in it's their problem, not yours"

"But people will think I'm a freak! Because I'm famous everyone will know! I don't want to be seen as a freak! Not only am I famous but I'm also g-" he stopped short. Jupiter was looking at him, he could not tell if she had registered his mistake or not.

"You won't be called a freak Harry-I am perfectly willing to bet that there are hundreds of millions of other people in your situation right now. And you can keep it between your close circle of friends, for a start there are spells you can perform-illegal spells, but spells all the same-" her eyes twinkled cheekily, "And you can ask them to be discreet-you can be discreet yourself. Your secret need never be known if you don't want it to be."

Harry looked up. "I just can't-" he croaked, but Jupiter cut him off.

"You can, Harry, believe in it. Believe in your companion."

Slowly, at last, Harry nodded.

"Yes."

Jupiter waited. "I promise." She said, though something seemed wrong. He couldn't figure out what it was. It hit him at the same time as Harry said the words.

She hadn't moved her mouth.

"I think I'm bisexual, Professor."