Harry Potter and The House of Big Brother

DAY TWO

(BB plays wake-up music - Britney Spear's Baby, One More Time - over and over, even once the housemates are all up.)

LOCKHART: Good moooooooooooorning, housemates!

(Lockhart, Hermione, Dobby, Oliver and Harry are the only people truly awake even though it's eight in the morning)

DRACO: Bugger off, pansy boy.

OLIVER: Now, now, just 'cause you're not a morning lad, Malfoy, doesn't mean you should go snapping at the rest of us. You should've got up early and enjoyed an invigorating game of Quidditch like me and Harry. Isn't that right, Potter?

HARRY: Invigorating. Sure. (To Ron) He had me up at half five!

LUCIUS: This music....it's ungodly!

HERMIONE: It's Britney. It's not supposed to sound good to anyone who hasn't had a full lobotomy.

DRACO: So we're supposed to listen to Shitney until....?

HARRY: Until BB tells us our first task, I imagine. I think we must've pissed him off, why else would he punish us like this?

SNAPE: (To music) Ooooh, hit me baby one more time!

(All look questioningly at him.)

SNAPE: What? What? It's catchy! (He blushes and helps himself to some more toast.)

SIRIUS: Ahem, yes, anyway...we have to sort out the chores.

LUCIUS: Chores?!

DRACO: Bloody buggering hell.

DOBBY: YIPPEE!

SNAPE: Will someone PLEASE shoot that overgrown garden gnome?

BB: Snape, don't threaten your housemates. Any plans of murder will result in expulsion from the house.

SNAPE: (Mutters into toast)

SIRIUS: I propose we divide the chores by bedroom. Room 1 can clean the kitchen and wash up and dry after meals. Room 2 can cook the dinners and ensure the beds are properly made. Room 3 can do the garden and clean the Jacuzzi. Room 4 can do the bathroom and the toilets. Room 5 can clean the living area and the like, and room six are in charge of any handyman work. That OK with everyone?

(Everyone except Dobby says no)

SIRIUS: Doesn't matter, that's how we're doing it.

BB: This is Big Brother. Your task is going to be announced in half an hour. Please assemble in the living area at half eight. That is all.

RON: Well I'm off for a shower.

(Murmurs of agreement, everyone trundles off to shower room. The boys take the showers, whilst the girls pull the curtain around the big pool-sized bath and have a bath instead)

PERCY: Who's got my bar of soap?

SNAPE: Me. Hang on, I'm nearly done

PERCY: (Shuddering) I don't want it.

SIRIUS: You know, ten years in Azkaban really makes you appreciate togetherness.

(He pulls Lucius and Percy who happen to be standing next to him into a bear hug).

SIRIUS: I love you guys!

PERCY: Well, that's me well and truly traumatised.

DRACO: (Noticing Sirius is making his way over to hug him) Dear me, look at the time! Big Brother will be wanting us!

(Everyone runs out of the showers and gets dressed before Sirius can hug them)

*In the living area*

BB: This is Big Brother. For your first task, you will be split into two teams. They are as follows: Team Pink: Draco, Harry, Ron, Severus, Dobby and Hermione. Team Blue: Percy, Lockhart, Sirius, Lucius, Oliver and Ginny. Your task will be to put on a cabaret performance of a Muggle pop act. You may allocate one member per team to act as DJ, and they are permitted to sit out of the performance. You will be asked to perform the act tomorrow at midday. Your song choice should be given to Big Brother in the Diary Room within the hour. You will be given a copy of the CD after this. You will be judged on creativity, skill and choreography. The winning team will be given a special reward, whereas the losing team will have to clean out the chicken coop for the week That is all.

DRACO: Muggle pop act? I don't know any!

HERMIONE: I think we should divide off into our teams now, OK everyone?

(The pink team take the long dining table, whereas the blue team wander off to the kitchen.)

*The Pink Team*

HARRY: Well has anyone got any ideas?

DRACO: Not me, I haven't ever heard any Muggle music.

RON: Me neither.

SNAPE: Well I think we should do Madonna, I can do a fabulous Papa Don't Preach.

HERMIONE: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Besides, that's really a one-person act. We need a group act, really.

HARRY: Well, first off, who wants to DJ?

DRACO: Me!

HARRY: You don't know how to work electricity. You'd be all - "What happens if I put these two wires toge -AIIIIIIIE!"

DRACO: I have no idea what that was about, you know.

HARRY: My point exactly.

DOBBY: Dobby will do it, he worked in a disco for a while.

HERMIONE: OK then, so what pop act can we be?

HARRY: Well it's virtually an all-male group, so I think it should be a boy band.

HERMIONE: But that won't get us many points in the creativity section. I think it should be a girl band.

DRACO: I'm not wearing a skirt.

HERMIONE: Ooooh! How about the Spice Girls?

RON: I've heard of them! Percy had a picture of the blonde one on his wall at home.

HERMIONE: Shall we do it?

HARRY: Go on then.

SNAPE: But Madonna!

DRACO: We haven't got a chance of getting our own way with all these Gryffindors. Lets just go with it.

HERMIONE: So we need our Spice identities.

HARRY: Well, I think Malfoy should be Baby Spice.

DRACO: Is she pretty?

RON: Percy fancies her.

DRACO: Percy fancied Penelope Clearwater. His standards are none too high.

HERMIONE: OK, well Ron is obviously the ginger one.

RON: Ewww, but my Dad fancies her! My whole family's barmy!

HERMIONE: But you're ginger!

RON: (sulkily) You reckon?

HERMIONE: Harry, you can be Sporty Spice, ties in nicely with the dark hair and Quidditch.

SNAPE: What am I?

HERMIONE: Posh Spice. Just....wash your hair for the performance, OK?

(Snape splutters indignantly)

RON: So what are you, then?

HERMIONE: Scary Spice, if I style my hair right.

HARRY: Well that's settled then. So what song are we doing?

HERMIONE: Wannabe. It's the best.

HARRY: There's a best? I thought they were all pretty dire.

HERMIONE: Best by the Spice standards, I should probably say.

HARRY: Indeed.

DOBBY: Shall Dobby go and tell Big Brother of our choice?

HERMIONE: No, Dobby. You shouldn't be expected to do that. Draco can do it.

DRACO: Bugger I can!

HARRY: If he doesn't, then he might find some of Dobby's stuffed cannelloni in his bed tonight.

DRACO: Bloody hell. Okay, I'll GO!

(Draco goes to Diary room to tell Big Brother)

*In the Blue Group*

PERCY: So it's decided, we're going for Abba's Dancing Queen, yes?

LUCIUS: Well seeing as it's the only song we can come up with between us, I'd say so.

GINNY: I'll go tell Big Brother.

(Draco flops down in the Diary room, scowling)

BB: Hello Draco.

DRACO: Don't give me that! You've stuck me in a group with the biggest bunch of morons on the planet! Well, except Snape I suppose. He's a bit of a dude. And then there's that Potter trying to deprive me of my shadow habits.

BB: Draco, has your group chosen their artist and song?

DRACO: Yep.

(Silence)

DRACO: Oh, sorry, did you want to know what it is? We're doing Wannabe by the Spice Girls.

BB: Thank you, Draco. Here is your CD.

DRACO: My what?

(CD appears out of trap door. Draco scoops it up)

DRACO: Oooh, shiny!

BB: You may return to your group.

(Draco leaves Diary Room. Ginny enters).

GINNY: (Not looking at camera) Dancing Queen by Abba.

BB: Very well, here is your CD.

GINNY: Thanks. (Takes CD and gets up to leave)

BB: Ginny, is something troubling you?

GINNY: It's just the whole 'diary' thing....I haven't exactly had a good time of the whole bodiless response thing. I'll be off then.

BB: Goodbye.

(Two hours later, and the housemates have found the Dressing Up Box Big Brother left in the Diary Room for them. They all sit in the living room, studying pictures of the real pop stars and choosing outfits from the carefully chosen selection Big Brother has provided.)

DRACO: Pig tails? My hair isn't long enough!

LUCIUS: Draco, dear boy, I have been on at you for years to grow it long like mine!

SIRIUS: Why? So the poor kid has to tie it back in a bow?

LUCIUS: I'll have you know lots of women find my hairstyle very attractive!

DRACO: No they don't. Even Mother won't touch it.

LUCIUS: Hush, boy.

HERMIONE: Anyway, team meeting, over here!

(Team Pink join Hermione in corner)

HERMIONE: I want everyone -

DRACO: So if you want something, we have to do it?

HERMIONE: Well, let me see....YES. I want you all to go and change into the outfits you've chosen. FULL dress rehearsal, so I want the hair done too. Don't worry about make up, I'll sort it out tomorrow.

(Team pink go upstairs into their rooms to change, Severus moaning that he had his heart set on putting the glitter on tonight)

*In room 4*

DRACO: I told that Granger that I wasn't wearing a skirt, damnit!

HARRY: It's a dress, dumbshit.

DRACO: Same thing. And it's pink!

HARRY: It suits you.

DRACO: Bugger off.

HARRY: (looking at himself in a mirror) Well this isn't so bad.

DRACO: You would say that, you get to wear trousers! Cheap, synthetic, tracksuit trousers, but trousers nonetheless!

HARRY: Yeah, but I've also got to wear a hair piece. (clips ponytail into hair)

DRACO: Hah! OW!

HARRY: You OK?

DRACO: Bloody zip's stuck.

HARRY: Here, let me.

(Turns Draco around and does up the zip to his short, pink dress.)

HARRY: Not bad, Malfoy.

DRACO: Eat dung.

(Draco throws his hair up into small, wispy pigtails)

DRACO: And how the hell am I supposed to walk in these?

(He indicates white platform boots he's got on)

HARRY: Use your feet?

DRACO: Ha - bloody -ha. It's alright for you, you get bloody trainers. How come I'm not....Blokie Spice or whatever her name is?

HARRY: Cause you look like a girl. (Catches Draco's VERY black look) I mean to say, you're pretty. I mean, prettier. Goddamnit, Malfoy, you just look the most girlie out of all of us. Hermione included.

DRACO: Still digging, Potter.

HARRY: Whatever, lets just go.

DRACO: OK. (Stumbles on shoes) Ow, bugger!

HARRY: Just think, you've got to dance in them.

DRACO: Just think, you've got to dance in general.

(The Pink Team reassemble in Snape's room, but have to move because Lockhart's array of self-portraits and hair potions clutter up the floor too much. They end up in Hermione's room.)

HERMIONE: (In leopard-print outfit and high platform boots) Well now then, very good everyone.

RON: Snape is NOT in a dress, I can NOT see his legs...

SNAPE: Come now, Weasley, we all know you're just jealous!

RON: Bugger arse I'm jeal-

HERMIONE: RIGHT THEN! I think it's time we all heard the song. Draco, put the CD in, please.

(Draco totters over in his platforms, which he has grown rather accustomed to, CD in hand.)

DRACO: So lets see, the Shiny goes....erm....it goes...

HARRY: Let me help. (Pushes button to open CD drawer)

DRACO: WAAH! IT'S ALIVE!

HARRY: Shut up, pillock. It's just the CD tray. Put the CD in.

(Draco puts the CD in and watches as the tray pulls back)

DRACO: (Sadly) It ate my shiny.

RON: Can we get this over with? I don't exactly relish prancing around in this! (He indicates union jack dress and red platform boots)

HERMIONE: OK, everyone...once the music starts, sing along if you can, but primarily I want you all to get on down and dance!

SNAPE: RIGHT ON, SISTER!

HERMIONE: Shush. This is only to familiarise you all with the music, we'll practice the one I've choreographed in a minute.

(The music starts up)

HERMIONE: And five, six, seven eight!

*In Percy and Oliver's room*

(The sound of Wannabe and Snape belting out the tune can be heard, although the entire group is trying to ignore it. Percy is hastily shoving Oliver's Quidditch books aside to clear the floor)

LOCKHART: (Looking at a photo of Abba ) I want to be the prettiest one.

SIRIUS: That's not the prettiest one. I like the dark haired one more. And you're not being her. None of us are, that's far too rehearsed. We want to impress Big Brother with our ability to improvise! It's good to see we're all appropriately kitted out, though! (Everyone is wearing flared trousers and rather funky tops)

LOCKHART: OK, so lets choreograph this now. I propose we start the song of with a little shimmy - like this. (He does a complicated twisty thing, ended by a very violent hip thrust)

LUCIUS: Oh, that's quite funky, actually.

GINNY: No its bloody not. I am NOT doing that.

SIRIUS: I'm with Ginny. (He blushes) Well, no I'm not....but I agree with her.

GINNY: Erm...well that's...great.

OLIVER: I don't know, it looks like a pretty good workout move to me. It might help me develop better swerving tactics in Quidditch!

PERCY: Must everything always be about Quidditch?

LUCIUS: Yes, Oliver. There are more important thing in life. Such as hair potions, pimp canes and assisting in mass-murder schemes.

(Everyone looks at him)

LUCIUS: What?

SIRIUS: Well, I'm buggered if I'm doing that move.

PERCY: Quite. I was thinking of a nice two-step. Perhaps a bit of a handjive if we want to appeal to Big Brother's more risqué side.

GINNY: (Sarcastically) Yeah, cause doing the mash-potato is so darn popular in the wizard strip clubs.

LUCIUS: (Not detecting sarcasm) Actually, it's not. At least, not in any of mine.

GINNY: Squick!

LOCKHART: Oh, come n chaps, you're side-tracking! My dance move! Is it a funkadelic yay or an undudely nay?

LUCIUS + LOCKHART + OLIVER: YAY!

GINNY + PERCY + SIRIUS: Nay!

LUCIUS: Oh, Sirius stop being such a nancy boy!

SIRIUS: NANCY BOY?! I'll give you bloody nancy boy, Sir Poncealot!

(Sirius tackles Lucius and knocks him to the ground, punching him in the face)

LOCKHART: Come on, chaps! Break it up!

(Lucius tries to kick Sirius off, but misses and kicks Lockhart in the shin)

LOCKHART: Ow! Bloody hell - THAT'S IT! (He joins in the fight, clawing at Lucius' hair)

OLIVER: Well, as much as he might deserve it for his past actions, the sportsman's code says that all teams must be of equal number. Hang on, Lucius! I'll save you! (He also joins in)

GINNY: Well I've got a grudge against Blondie, I'm in too! (Kicks Lucius' ribs)

PERCY: (Spluttering) Well that's just....I've never seen so much carnage! Hmph, I'm quitting the group!

OLIVER: (Between punches) You can't do that, we'll have to forfeit! I know how much you hate losing, Perce!

PERCY: (Snaps) Oh, fine! Well I'm the DJ then. And I'm NOT staying here with this fight going on! I'm off to the hot tub.

*In the diary room*

(Sirius is in the diary room, flopped down in chair)

BB: Hello, Sirius.

SIRIUS: Yo.

BB: What are your fist impressions of the Big Brother house?

SIRIUS: It's better than the cave I used to hide in.

BB: No, not the house itself. What do you think of the people inside?

SIRIUS: Oh, right. Well, Harry's alright. I suppose I like spending more time with him. He is my godson, after all. Snape's still a bit of a ponce...then again, I don't suppose I expected any different. Hermione and Ron are alright, they seem to be having fun. The Malfoys still act as though their so above it all, I don't know why they bothered coming here, personally. Percy and Oliver seem to live in their own little worlds...that's just odd. And then there's Dobby.... he makes me cringe. And Lockhart...HAH!

BB: Please define the term "hah".

SIRIUS: No. It's self-explanatory.

BB: Is there anything else you would like to share with Big Brother?

SIRIUS: No, not really. Hang on - actually, there is. Am I allowed to take my Animagus form in here?

BB: No, that is very clearly defined as magic by Big Brother.

SIRIUS: Oh. Damnit. OK then, see you later, Big B!

(Sirius exits the Diary Room)

*In the living area*

BB: This is Big Brother. The time is nine thirty p.m.. You have fourteen and a half hours to finish the preparation for your task. That is all.

DRACO: Well what a useful announcement that was.

HARRY: Oh, shut up. You're just pissed cause the dance routine mussed up your pigtails.

DRACO: Well if you'd spent half an hour trying to tie stupid ribbons around them to keep them up, you'd be annoyed to.

RON: Harry would never spend half an hour doing his hair.

LUCIUS: That much is obvious.

DOBBY: Dobby has managed to make the oven work today. Dobby has cooked chips and beans for everyone! He is most sorry for his pasta mistake yesterday.

LOCKHART: Pasta?! You told me it was some foreign thing!

SNAPE: Damn elf! Can't you keep a secret?

DOBBY: Why yes, sir! Dobby is keeping all Lucius Malfoy's secrets. For example, he is never telling anyone that Lucius Malfoy is having a cupboard built just for his thongs!

(Dobby is knocked out by a well-aimed boot thrown by Lucius)

LUCIUS: Dear elf, doesn't know what he's saying. As if I would have such things!

DRACO: But Father, you do! I saw-

LUCIUS: (Coughing loudly and interrupting) Shall we go see what the elf's food looks like?

HERMIONE: Lucius Orsino Malfoy! I will NOT tolerate the abuse of house elves in this house!

LUCIUS: Will you tolerate it in the garden?

HERMIONE: No!

LUCIUS: Well darn.

RON: Hermione, how about you stay and tend to the poor, injured elf and the rest of us go get some food?

(Murmurs of agreement, and all except Dobby and Hermione leave to eat)

HERMIONE: YOU'RE ALL SO DAMN SELFISH!

(Wails and runs into upstairs bathroom)

HARRY: I think we pissed her off.

SNAPE: There's a reason why you're the Boy Who Lived and not the Boy Who Had A Mind To Rival That Of Einstein.

OLIVER: Yeah, because that was too long.

PERCY: Well I believe we should all take a moment to sit back and appreciate Snape's attempt at humour.

SIRIUS: Hah, yeah, it was a pretty good attempt.

HARRY: Oi!

SIRIUS: Umm, I mean...no it wasn't!

DRACO: What the hell is this?

(He is pointing to the bowl of baked beans)

LOCKHART: Baked beans. The only known Kitzy-Kitzy repellent, as discovered by me during a trip to an Amazonian rainforest.

LUCIUS: Oh, hush.

DRACO: What the hell is a baked bean? Why is it covered in...icky stuff? (He dips a spoon into sauce)

HARRY: That's tomato sauce. It's really nice, actually.

DRACO: They look like rocks.

SIRIUS: (Picking a bean out and chewing it) They taste like rocks too.

DRACO: Really? (He copies Sirius)

OLIVER: Being told they taste like rocks makes you want to eat them?

DRACO: Bugger off, Wood. Actually, they're not that bad!

(Percy grabs spoon to try some)

GINNY: Rocks or the beans?

DRACO: Beans, dumbshit.

PERCY: That's my sister!

DRACO: And those are my beans! (Snatches spoonful of beans back from Percy, splattering Lucius with the sauce)

LUCIUS: (Indicates tomato sauce splodges on silvery shirt) And that's my best shirt! I'm telling you now boy, if I had my wand with me -

SIRIUS: You'd yank it out of your pimp cane and style your hair. We are NOT going to have a fight about bloody baked beans. Let's go see the chips.

DRACO: But I like the beans!

SIRIUS: Draco, they're a Muggle food. Not even a quality Muggle food. They're actually quite plebeian.

DRACO: (Putting bowl down) I didn't like them anyway.

(Ten minutes later, they are all sat eating chips. A northern-sounding man makes an announcement over the sound system, designed to let viewers know what's going on in the house)

VOICE: Day Two in the Big Brother house. Dobby is unconscious on the floor, whilst the other Housemates eat his chips. Hermione is nowhere to be seen, and Draco is looking longingly at the bowl of beans.

DRACO: (Indignantly) I am not!

BB: This is Big Brother. Gilderoy Lockhart, please come to the diary room.

LOCKHART: Ho ho! Right then, chaps! I've got a date with Big Brother, don't wait up! Good golly, look at the time! Only ten minutes before beddy bye-byes!

OLIVER: Damn ponce.

*In the Diary Room*

(Voice of Big Brother is female now)

BB: Lockhart, how are you coping in the house?

LOCKHART: I'm doing incredibly well, actually! I'm thinking of writing a novel when I come out - Lockhart and the House of Horrors. What do you think?

BB: Big Brother is not permitted to give a personal response.

LOCKHART: That's a shame. Say then, pretty lady, what do you say we hook up when I'm done in here?

BB: (Slightly annoyed) Big Brother is not permitted to give a personal response. Big Brother wishes to remind you that you were asked a question.

LOCKHART: And what was that, sorry? Oh yes, how I'm coping. Well, apart from that rather childish stunt they pulled yesterday, it's been good. I must say, I'm missing my portrait at home. Such a stunningly well-painted one as well! Done by myself, of course.

BB: That is all, Lockhart.

LOCKHART: But I'm not done! I wanted to tell you all about -

BB: Big Brother wishes to tell you to get the hell out of the Diary Room and have a nice evening. That is all.

*In Room 3*

SIRIUS: (Gently) Ron, how are you coping in the house?

RON: Erm, fine. No problems.

SIRIUS: You know, if you ever have anything you need to tell me, anything at all...well, I'm here for you.

RON: (Nervously) Erm, okay...that's - that's good to know.

SIRIUS: There's nothing like a ten year spell in Azkaban to help you appreciate the relationships you can have with another human being.

(Sirius starts approaching Ron for a hug)

RON: (Even more nervous, and backing away) Heh, yeah. I'll just be - I mean, I've just got to...BYE.

(Ron runs out of the room, leaving a crestfallen Sirius. He proceeds to the diary room)

RON: Big Brother, you have to give me my wand back! I need to put a protection spell around my bed...Sirius seems to be getting a little...frisky.

BB: Ron, no magic is allowed in the house. Go to bed.

RON: (Muttering to himself as he leaves) Lousy no-good bodiless voice.

*In room 4*

DRACO: Owwww! My poor feet! (Pulls off platforms)

HARRY: Oh for the love of God shut up!

DRACO: But I'm in pain!

HARRY: Do I look like I give a damn?

DRACO: If I said yes, would you believe me?

HARRY: Bugger arse I would.

DRACO: Oh.

HARRY: Goodnight, Malfoy.

DRACO: Goodnight Pot - OI! YOU'RE IN MY BED!

HARRY: Is that so?

DRACO: Yes it bloody is!

HARRY: I'm asleep. Go away.

DRACO: No! I'm going to sit on you until you move your Gryffindor arse out of my bed.

HARRY: If you so much as TRY and use me as a bench, Malfoy, I will sneak up on you in the night and cut all your hair off with those goddamn nail scissors you keep in your trunk.

DRACO: You wouldn't!

HARRY: You want to find out?

DRACO: (Grumbles to self as he goes into window-side bed) Bloody Potter.

HARRY: Goodnight.

(Harry drifts off very quickly, but Draco lies awake until two in the morning hatching an evil plan to get back at our favourite raven-haired hero. Watch this space...)