Harry Potter and The House of Big Brother

Big Brother.

* THE CONTESTANTS:

Harry Potter
Hermione Granger
Ron Weasley
Draco Malfoy
Severus Snape
Dobby the House-Elf
Oliver Wood
Percy Weasley
Lucius Malfoy
Ginny Weasley
Gilderoy Lockhart
Sirius Black

THE HOUSE

Bearing an uncanny resemblance to the Malfoy's countryside retreat, the premises includes a fully-functional Jacuzzi, a miniature Quidditch pitch and a communal bathroom, not unlike the one available to Prefects at Hogwarts. There is no magic allowed inside the house or its grounds, although pre-charmed objects such as broomsticks are supplied and open for use.

DAY 1

(The housemates are all sitting around the living room, except for Lucius Malfoy, who has yet to appear through the front door. Harry, Ron and Hermione are bunched up together on the largest sofa, Lockhart is infront of the big mirror, Percy is sitting primly in a stiff chair with Ginny perched on the arm, Oliver and Draco are sat in separate corners of the room, glaring at each other. Sirius is flopped down on the floor, watching Dobby who is whimpering and edging away from a scowling Draco. All through the room, there is an awkward silence.)

LUCIUS: (with his back to the living room, three burly men trying to push him through the door frame) Nooo! I can't stay in there!!! Not without my wand, I NEED that hair-treatment charm! Have you no souls? At least give me back my pimp cane, I didn't mean what I said about skewering Potter on it! (the men manage to shove him through the door and slam it shut on his face. He begins hammering madly at it.) Nooo!!! Let me out! When I get out of here I'm going to curse your arses all the way to - (the door reopens.) HAH! Knew you'd see - HWMPH! (Lucius' suitcases are thrown in, hitting his midsection, and the door is promptly shut.)

RON: Hah!

(Lucius flips his tousled hair as he turns to scowl at the red head.)

LUCIUS: (loudly) Dobby, get my bags.

DOBBY: (backing away) Meep.

HERMIONE: Good for you, Dobby.

BB: Lucius Malfoy, please stop being an inconsiderate gimp and acknowledge that all the housemates are equals. You will carry your own bags and go sit with the others.

LUCIUS: (mutters bitterly to himself and takes his bags down to the living area)

BB: Housemates, Big Brother detects some tension in the air, and appreciates that not all housemates are looking forward to their stay -

LUCIUS: (Glaring at Harry and Sirius simultaneously) Too bloody true.

BB: - and so Big Brother has set up a Twister board in the dining area. Please make your way there immediately.

(The housemates all groan, unhappy at the prospect of being in such close quarters as people they hate, or people they know to well to feel all that comfortable with. Except for Lockhart, that is.)

LOKHART: Come on then chaps, and of course, chappesses (winks at Ginny and Hermione). I know that at least the vast majority of you wouldn't mind a bit of a tumble on the Twister board with me!

SIRIUS: Oh, hush!

(The housemates traipse through into the dining area.)

BB: Please elect a spinner.

DOBBY: I will, sirs and misses!

BB: Spin the wheel, please, Dobby.

(The wheel is spun)

DOBBY: Left leg on a red dot!

(All scramble to comply)

DOBBY: Right hand on a yellow dot!

(20 minutes later, and only Draco, Lucius, Ron and Harry are left playing)

DRACO: (muffled) Weasley, remove your arse from my face.

RON: Shut up, Malfoy. I've got problems of my own! (Ron's head is clamped under Lucius' arm.)

LUCIUS: Stop wriggling or I'll break your neck, Weasley.

LOCKHART: (sulking in the corner of the room) I still say Snape cheated. He pushed me over!

SNAPE: You were stroking my thigh! You made me fall too!

LOCKHART: It wasn't MY fault your thigh was in the way of the yellow dot!

HARRY: (stretched out beneath everyone else) Umm, hello? Could we spin again please? I'm not sure I can stay like this much longer.

DRACO: That's the point, dumbass! If you can't stay up, you fall over, you're out and I win.

HARRY: Well maybe I wouldn't feel like I was going to fall over if you hadn't covered my face with your stupid, fake-arsed hair!

LUCIUS: (standing up) FAKE-ARSED?! THIS HAIR HAS BEEN THE PRIDE OF THE MALFOY FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS! I'LL HAVE YOU FOR THIS YOU MOP-TOPPED LOWLIFE TOS-

BB: The game of Twister has been suspended due to your inability to kerb your rage. Nobody wins.

(The Twister mat disappears from under them, causing the remaining players to collapse in a heavy heap)

BB: The time is Ten Thirty PM. All housemates are to be in their rooms by eleven. The sleeping arrangements are as follows: Oliver and Percy in room 1, Hermione and Ginny in room 2, Ron and Sirius in room 3, Draco and Harry in room 4, Lucius and Dobby in room 5, Severus and Lockhart in room 6.

HARRY: (hopefully) Anyone want to trade?

BB: No, Harry, they don't. The sleeping arrangements are fixed for at least week one.

HARRY: Bugger it.

BB: Big Brother wishes all Housemates a pleasant evening. That is all.

(Everyone moans about the sleeping arrangements)

SIRIUS: Who's hungry?

RON: ME!

DRACO: When isn't he?

HARRY: Shut up, ferret.

OLIVER: Remember, I only eat high-energy, low fat foods. I can't play Quidditch on a heavy meal, you know.

LOCKHART: And I only eat what's good for me, millions of witches and wizards follow my example, I have to set a high standard! (he winks at a camera)

DOBBY: Oooh, Dobby is knowing a good recipe. Dobby wishes to cook tonight!

SIRIUS: OK then Dobby.

(Half an hour later, Dobby emerges from the kitchen, covered in stains and scorch-marks, a big bowl of pasta in his arms).

LUCIUS: What the hell?!

HERMIONE: What happened, Dobby?

DOBBY: Dobby is not used to Muggle kitchens, he is not knowing how they work. He is setting fire to his tie. (Points to charred necktie.) He is trying to make the cheese and garlic stuffing, too! Dobby put the garlic on to cook whilst he looked for the cheese, but he couldn't find the cheddar! When Dobby came back, the garlic was burnt! He has stuffed the pasta with it though.

SNAPE: So you're telling me we only have boiled, burnt garlic-stuffed pasta for dinner?

DOBBY: Boiled? Dobby thought he was supposed to grill it!

LUCIUS: Bloody elf....

OLIVER: Steady on, Malfoy!

DRACO: (indignantly) What?

HERMIONE: Not you, pillock! (Turns to Dobby) Don't worry, Dobby. I don't imagine you've ever cooked the Muggle way before, have you?

DOBBY: (wails) Miss is too kind! Dobby has ruined dinner! He should be punished! (grabs salt shaker and hits himself with it) Bad Dobby, bad!

HERMIONE: (grabs salt shaker away) No, Dobby! Don't beat yourself up over every little -

LOCKHART: (he has been busy preening himself infront of the mirrors and winking at the cameras around the room and hasn't noticed the commotion. He strides over) Well then, folks! Grubs up, eh? What've we got? (He picks up a dark tube of pasta, although he has no idea what it is) My, how exotic!

DOBBY: Sir, Dobby is not sure sir will like this dish -

LOCKHART: Modesty, dear elf, can be a virtue! I must admit, I suffer from it occasionally -

DRACO: (Under his breath) Not nearly as often as we suffer from you.

LOCKHART: (not hearing) - but there are times when one must stand up and take credit for his work! (he examines the pasta strand) Hmm, I think I may have come across this delicacy during one of adventures. I was in...the Himalayas, I think. You'll find the full details of my trip in -

HERMIONE: - Lockhart Goes Wild, Volume One.

(Everyone is staring at her with disbelief, except Lockhart who is positively beaming)

HERMIONE: What?

RON: Old habits die hard.

LOCKHART: Well done, Miss Granger, it was indeed in that book. Now, onto this delicious looking food. I think they called it Pepsatovi in the ol' Himmys...

DOBBY: Erm...actually sir, Dobby thinks sir will find he is wrong, the dish is actu-

LOCKHART: Pish posh, elf! I pride myself on being quite the epicure, I think I know a good bit of Pepsatovi when I see it! Unlike some of you lot...then again, I suppose very few of you are cultured enough to appreciate the likes of this.

DRACO: What's it made out of then?

LOCKHART: (Caught off guard) Sorry?

DRACO: Well if you're so clued up on it, perhaps you'd like to explain it to us.

LOCKHART: Well its...erm, in layman's terms I suppose you could call it...(trails off)

SNAPE: It's open-grilled Trimhulah-spikes. Very popular with the royalty of various middle-eastern countries.

LOCKHART: (Eyeing the pasta stick, not noticing what he's saying.) Is that so?

SNAPE: (Defensively) Yeah... (Coughs) I mean, yes. Lucius was telling me only the other day how the Ming family of Korea used to eat this on state occasions, isn't that right, Lucius?

LUCIUS: (catching on) Yes, yes that's correct. Very highly prized dish over there. How generous of Big Brother to procure it for us.

SIRIUS: (Throwing an arm around Lockhart's neck) Y'know, Gildey m'boy...(stage whisper) it's said to be a bit of an aphrodisiac...all the ladies will want you after a bit of this! Then again, I expect you knew all this, didn't you?

LOCKHART: Yes! Yes, of course I did...having eaten it so many times before.

HARRY: Well, I think it's a bit too classy for my tastes.

(All housemates except Lockhart murmur their agreement)

LOCKHART: All the more for me then! (he chomps down on the pasta, his large beam falling very quickly)

PERCY: Are you alright, Professor?

LOCKHART: (trying to hide his disgust) I....I'm fine, thanks, Mr Weasley.

GINNY: If you don't like it...I mean, its an acquired taste..you could always spit it out.

LOCKHART: (Spluttering a little as he tries to chew it) My dear girl, I was born to appreciate such delicacies as this. (Swallows, shuddering.) They're quite filling, I think I've had enough. Actually, I'm rather tired, I'm off to bed, goodnight all!

(Lockhart runs upstairs. All the housemates hear the tell-tale noise of the toilet door being slammed shut, followed by an almighty retch.)

SIRIUS: Well, that's got rid of him! Delicacy my arse.

BB: Big Brother has noticed your culinary disaster. He has provided you with pizza, which has been left in the diary room. Percy, please come to collect it. That is all.

(Percy goes to collect it)

HARRY: Pizza!!! WOOHOO!!!

LUCIUS + DRACO: Pizza???

HERMIONE: The pizza is a Muggle food, often connected with Italy. It is usually round, with a bread-like base, tomato sauce layer and topped with cheese and any number of trimmings. These can include peppers, ham, pineapple, beef and endless amounts of others.

DRACO: Trust the bloody Muggles to try and match up bread, tomato, cheese and pineapple. Ick.

HERMIONE: Unfortunately for you, the Muggles didn't think to put rodent-food on.

PERCY: Here's the pizza!

(The room is silent for half an hour (save for Draco's "Ick!"s every time he comes across pineapple on his pizza) as they devour their meal. Soon, it is eleven.)

BB: This is Big Brother. Housemates have been granted five minutes to clear up before going to their bedrooms. Big Brother wishes all contestants a good night's sleep. That is all.

(All survey room, which is full of greasy pizza boxes and food waste.)

LUCIUS: Well I'm not clearing this up! It's not MY fault the one servant BB provided us with can't cook and we have to eat.... *shudders* Muggle-prepared food. I refuse to help!

SIRIUS: Stop being such a matchstick. Everyone will put away their own box.

(Nobody moves, except Dobby)

SIRIUS: Now?

(Housemates mutter grumpily, but soon the room is clear. Housemates retire to their bedrooms after a quick all-round g'nite)

*In room 5*

LUCIUS: (muttering to self) Stuck with a bloody elf.

DOBBY: (Smiling) Dobby hopes Sir and Dobby will become good friends before the show ends!

(Lucius glares with pure venom)

DOBBY: (Faltering smile) Dobby hopes sir will not kill Dobby before the show ends!

(Lucius rounds in on Dobby)

DOBBY: (Nervously) Dobby hopes sir will let Dobby put sir's things away while sir gets some rest?

LUCIUS: Hmm, feels like home.

(Lucius is soon asleep, while Dobby nervously unpacks his bags)

*In room 4*

HARRY: What do you think you're doing?

DRACO: (Sitting on bed) I'm baking Snape a birthday cake. I'm conducting an opera. I'm teaching three blind mice how NOT to get their tails cut off with a -

HARRY: Shut up. I can see what you're doing. But that's MY bed.

DRACO: I don't see your name on it.

(Harry points out placard at foot of bed)

DRACO: So? I need this bed. It's more comfy.

HARRY: But it's MINE!

DRACO: Shame that, really. I'm sure you'll cope.

HARRY: Get off my bed, Malfoy.

DRACO: But it's in the dark corner! I can't sleep in the light corner! I don't want to tan!

HARRY: If you don't haul your arse of my bed -

DRACO: - MY bed.

HARRY: Well I'm afraid you're going to have to get off now because I'm getting in.

(He jumps under the bedclothes.)

DRACO: That's not fair!

HARRY: Why not? You have your own bed. Go sleep in that!

DRACO: No. Budge up.

HARRY: What the -

DRACO: I'm getting in.

HARRY: No you're bloody not.

(Draco gets in)

DRACO: And be warned, I only sleep in my boxers. And I like to spread myself out a bit, too.

HARRY: Aiiiiii!!!!

(Harry jumps out of bed and takes the one next to the window)

HARRY: I'll be in that bed tomorrow, you mark my words!

DRACO: (puzzled) With what?

HARRY: Gaaaah!

(after an hours silent fuming, both of them fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.)

TBC