The Adventures of Lightning Man and Ferret Boy

The Adventures of Lightning Man and Ferret Boy:

Episode One

Whenever a fan girl or fan boy is deprived of her or his fandom, we'll be there. Whenever people are in danger of rising above the gutter, we'll be there. Whenever Lord MouldyShorts is tormenting innocent fans, we'll be there. Whenever there is a free bed, we'll be there. Whenever there is an open time slot in the next strip show, we'll be there. (By the way we appear on Friday on the beautiful S.S. Guns and Handcuffs. Be there!) We are... *drum roll* Lightning Man, and Ferret Boy! We come with our very own sidekick: Pillow Puff Elf, otherwise known as Dobby the house elf...

"Hey! MojoBob the Ferocious Ferret is our sidekick!" Ferret Boy butts in.

"Shut-up Ferret Boy! Dobby got the spot, end of story." Lightning Man exclaims, putting a hand over Ferret Boy's mouth.

"But, Harry..."

"It's Lightning Man!"

"Lightning Man, whatever, MojoBob is perfect for the job!" Ferret Boy insists.

"Hello! MBFF is a terrible acronym, and it won't fit on the sidekick cape. Now PPE on the other hand..."

"Dobby is wanting a spandex suit just like master. Dobby wants to look as sexy as master!" Pillow Puff Elf interrupted, quiet off topic.

"Eek!"

"I don't care how terrible it sounds... Oh my, it does sound rather bad, doesn't it?" Ferret Boy says thinking.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you! Now can I please continue?"

"Yes, yes go ahead."

With our great powers we will conquer Lord MouldyShorts, and non-gutterness. Just call 1-800-GUTTER-ME, or to save the world call 1-800-THE-WORLD-IS-IN-GRAVE-DANGER-SO-I'M-CALLING-THIS-NUMBER-I-FOUND-UNDER-YOUR-NAKED-PICTURES-IN-A-PORNO-MAGAZINE. With Lightning Man's powers of well, lightning, and certain other unmentionables, Ferret Boy's powers of controlling all ferrets, and looking so damn sexy while sweating in a two-sizes-too-small spandex suit. So give us a call if the world is falling apart, or for more important reasons. *Wink* *wink*

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Our story begins in an, overly large, overly exquisite, overly filled with suspicious looking objects, apartment...

"HARRY!?!"

"It's Lightning Man!"

"Lightning Man, where's MojoBob?"

"Erm, MojoBob? I know no MojoBob!"

"Potter, what did you do to MojoBob?" Ferret Boy yells up the stairs through clenched teeth.

"Who is this MojoBob you speak of?" Lightning Man answers, falling down the stairs trying to get a foot into a rather tight, rather small, and rather red, spandex suit. Ferret Boy gives him a kick, and sets off for the couch.

"What are you doing?"

"Making the couch into a bed."

"Now why would you... Oh, oh, NO! The horror of it all!"

"Then be a good boy and tell me where he is."

"I sent him to the animal shelter."

"Let's go!" Ferret Boy points to the door, cape mysteriously billowing. Lightning Man just snickers to himself as Ferret Boy bounds out the door.

Outside...

Ferret Boy stands outside the door wondering why everyone on the street is staring and drooling at him. He looks down to find he is wearing nothing but a sparkly, pink, leather thong, and his cape.

The song "Who Let the Dogs Out?" begins to play suddenly, though there is no stereo in sight. Caught up in the moment, Ferret Boy does a very naughty dance. He stops soon though as he realizes that old Albus Dumbledore, below on the street, seems to be enjoying it a bit too much. Winking at a few drooling girls, he walks back in the door.

"Har... Lightning Man, why didn't you tell me I was wearing nothing but my sparkly, pink, leather thong?"

"After last night I didn't think it would matter much," Lightning Man answers snickering. "Now on with your Ferret Boy spandex!"

After a few struggled moments of trying to get his suit on...

"You know, Lightning Man, I've noticed something. My spandex is three sizes too small! Did you misread the size tag?" Ferret Boy says pulling at his wedgy.

"Erm, yes, about that... Look! Something shiny!" Lightning Man exclaims pointing out the window.

"Where?" Ferret Man flies out the window to find no shiny thing. Re-entering the apartment disappointed, he finds that Lightning Man has already left in the direction of the animal shelter. He follows, but locks Pillow Puff Elf in a closet on his way out.

At the animal shelter...

Ferret Boy is at last re-united with his darling MojoBob.

"Come to Daddy baby!" Ferret Boy yells in delight, as MojoBob leaps into his arms. "Good precious... My precious..."

"Stupid, dumb, rat!" Lightning Man mutters in jealousy. Ferret Boy never calls him precious. MojoBob hisses, and spits at Lightning Man over Ferret Boy's shoulders. Suddenly all the lost ferrets at the animal shelter smother Ferret Boy by jumping on him. (There are lots you know.) Harry wanders off to look at some monkeys muttering insanely to himself. Meanwhile Ferret Boy has spotted a sweet little black ferret.

"You are so cute! Yes you are! Oh yes you... ARGH! THE STUPID SON OF A BITCH BIT ME!" Ferret Boy screams in agony. Blood spatters everywhere as he picks up the culprit.

"You, my dear animal, are not a ferret!" He says holding the spitting animal out of reach of his precious nose. Ferret Boy pulls behind the creatures ears, and it's skin comes off. Only it isn't skin it's a disguise!

"Ah hah! You aren't a ferret! You are a rat! Peter Pettigrew, alias, Ratman!" Ferret Boy yells triumphantly. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Ratman! RATMAN! The rat transforms into a rather handsome man.

"No, no I'm Patrick Pettigrew, a mysterious twin to Peter, here to put an amazingly ridiculous, Gary-Stu-like twist in the plot of this otherwise ridiculous story!"

"Ack! Gary-Stu!" Ferret Boy pulls a frying pan out of, seemingly, nowhere and whacks "Patrick" heavily on the head. After pushing the body into a bird droppings cage, Ferret Boy sets off to find his oh-so-sexy-in-spandex-and-a-thong lover. Ferret Boy hears unsavoury noises coming from the monkey cages so decides to check there first. As he approaches one, the song "Bad Touch" mysteriously begins to play.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,

So let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel.

Swinging his oh-so-sexy hips along to the catchy tune, he glances in one of the doors. Seeing Lightning Man, and a little tropical monkey doing some not-so-innocent things, Ferret Boy decides that now is a good time to tell his lover dear about the affair he's been having with the rat that lives under the cooker.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals,

So let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel.

On the way home...

Lightning Man is crying onto Ferret Boy's shoulder.

"I really thought we had something special, that monkey and I." Ferret Boy pats him on the back.

"If it's any consolation, I shall break it off with Burnice, the rat under the cooker," he tells Lightning Man.

"Okay then." All of a sudden Hermione, alias Hatwoman, ran up to them, hats flying off her head.

"Hurry! Lord MouldyShorts is up to evil deeds! He has taken Weaselboy hostage in his evil lair, and has set a curse on the world. Everyone's shorts are turning mouldy!"

"Damn him, and his maniacal mouldy shorts! Quick Hatwoman! Tell us where his lair is!" Lightning Man tells Hatwoman urgently.

"Lightning Man! Look at our shorts! They're, oh I cannot say it.... MY SEXY THONG IS GOING MOULDY!" Ferret Boy cries out. Mysterious tragic music begins to play from nowhere.

"His lair is hidden in the Fat-Free Butter factory! You must hurry, the people are turning mad from the mould!" Hatwoman announces and disappears over a building.

"The evil asshole! The world of butter will be gone if we don't destroy that factory! Fat-Free butter! It's ridiculous! Why does he torture us so?" Lightning Man says as a heroic light glows around him, and his cape flutters gloriously in a non-existent wind.

At the Fat-Free butter factory...

"It's disgusting in here! Everything is mouldy!" Ferret Boy says stepping on an old pair of mouldy shorts. Lightning Man steps up to one of the butter barrels, dips in a finger and tastes the vile fat-freeness of it.

"Yuech! Fatty foods will be ruined forever! The fiend!" Lightning Man exclaims spitting it out on the floor. All of a sudden our heroes hear a noise to their left. Turning around with the speed of light, they see... Mermaid Man, and Barnacle Boy!?!

"Take a hike! We've got this one covered!" Ferret Boy hisses at the senior super heroes. Sulking, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy leave our heroes in peace.

"Why can't we have sexy spandex suits?" Mermaid Man mutters. Suddenly all the lights in the factory flicker then die. Thump. Crash.

"Ow!"

"Watch it!"

"Oof!"

"Ah! Uh! Oh! Hehe!"

"Stop it we're on a mission! Oh wait no do that again. Hehe!"

"We must not get distracted."

"Eek! Oh! Ah! Hehehehe!"

"Keep an eye out for... Stop it... Really, we must concentrate... Oh! Don't stop."

Suddenly the lights flick on again, flooding the room in light. A dark figure appears on a raised platform.

"Muhahaha! I have caught you at last Lightning Man and Ferret Boy! Now you must... What on earth are you doing? Ah! Ew! Stop that! I'm trying to dominate the world here! Hello!" Comes the unmistakable cheerleader-like voice of... *Insert tragic comic book music here. * Lord MouldyShorts. Ferret Boy and Lightning Man look up from their, ahem, "activities" to see their arch enemy laughing manically, with Weaselboy locked in a cage above him. Some scary looking house elves, wearing very mouldy shorts, are force feeding him spoonfuls of fat-free butter.

"No! Not fat-free butter! Anything but that!" Lightning Man screams pointing avidly in the wrong direction.

"Bloody wedgy!" Draco announces picking at his butt.

"Hello! World domination going on here! Pay attention!" Lord MouldyShorts yells, his girly voice echoing off the factory walls. Ferret Boy and Lightning Man quickly remember their mission.

"Lightning bolt attack!" Lightning Man yells, turning around. A large bolt of lightning extruded out of his... BUTT!?!

"Oh, that's why I always get an electric surge when I go in there... Erm, I mean, MojoBob ATTACK!" Ferret Man shouts pointing at Lord MouldyShorts whose, long, blonde hair has been fried to a crisp. MojoBob is about to bite Lord MouldyShorts when all of a sudden Pillow Puff Elf flies in the window on his flying pillow.

"How on earth did you get out?" Ferret Boy asks, as Pillow Puff Elf knocks MojoBob over.

"Pillow Puff Elf will be saving the day now!" Pillow Puff Elf screams insanely. Pillow Puff Elf starts throwing pillows in all directions, two of them hitting Ferret Boy and Lightning Man, and knocking them out.

"Oopsies!" Pillow Puff Elf, not knowing what else to do, hits himself on the head with a pillow. And is instantly knocked out.

"Muhahahaha! I have done it! I have defeated Lightning Man and Ferret Boy without even breaking a nail!" Lord MouldyShorts says flouncing his, now fried hair. But there is one hero MouldyShorts has forgotten. MojoBob the Ferocious Ferret! MojoBob dashes at Lord MouldyShorts with the speed of light. BAM! WHAM! KABLAMOH! SHAGALOT!

"Yoooooow!" Lord MouldyShorts screams in agony, as MojoBob rips his mouldy shorts off. Without his mouldy shorts Lord MouldyShorts will become weak and useless! And become weak and useless he did. Until he withered away into a pile of mould.

When Lightning Man and Ferret Boy come to...

Looking around Lightning Man stands up.

"Well, I guess he withered away from our charming good looks!" he says helping Ferret Boy up.

"Let's go home and shag a lot."

"Okay then." And the two heroes ride off into the sunset leaving Weaselboy screaming in the background.

What do you mean where'd they get the horse? It was just conveniently waiting outside for them okay?

A few days later...

Lightning Man and Ferret Boy are walking along the street. Up ahead a small figure comes into view. It's Harry's monkey friend! Beautiful music mysteriously begins to play. Harry runs in slow motion towards the monkey, and the monkey runs towards Harry. They embrace in a happy, glorious hug. Meanwhile Ferret Boy pulls Burnice, the rat under the cooker, out of his pants.

"Its back on Burnice baby!"

The End

~The Official Lightning Man and Ferret Boy Theme Song~

Lightning Man and Ferret Boy,

Flying through the air,

Wearing sexy spandex suits,

And leather underwear!

Lightning Man and Ferret Boy,

Masters of the gutter,

Saving us from MouldyShorts,

And from fat-free butter!

Lightning Man and Ferret Boy,

Looking oh so cool,

Oh they are so sexy,

They make us fan girls drool!

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