I Loved You More

Chapter #31

The Foolish One

Lily stared, mesmerized, at the moon.

Focusing on the far away light helped soften the feeling of a drill spiraling into her brain over and over again. Maybe...maybe if she stared at it long enough, it would go away completely...

"STOP! TAKE IT OFF HER!"

The scream sliced through her body and echoed into the night. Lily carefully lifted her head. She squinted to focus on James, who was wrestling with the man--his father, the Death Eater--in a thick cloud of dust. He was trying to rip the man's wand out of his hands. Sirius scrambled over and he too threw himself at the man. But the next second, he was tossed back to the ground. With a yell, the man flung his fist into James's face. Lily tried to scream as he flew backward and landed next to Sirius but she could not get enough air into her lungs.

The Death Eater stood over the two boys with his wand directed at them and laughed as he straightened his robes.

"Nice try. Brave, but not so smart, boys," he said. He pointed his wand down at Sirius, then brought it up with a jerk of his arm. Sirius soared into the air, where he hung, suspended, high above them. He kicked his legs and waved his arms, trying to propel himself back to the ground but his fierce efforts were useless.

James, his face red with anger, raised his wand at his father. "Expelliarmus!"

"Crucio!"

James screamed. Sirius screamed. The man laughed. Lily's muscles were on fire but she fought with everything in her to move them. Her head seemed to be too beaten up to give them proper commands; her limbs lay still, as though detached from her body. All she could do was watch James writhe and cry in agony at his father's feet.

When the man finally let up the curse, he bent close to his son, who was twitching and gasping.

"How did that feel, son?" he asked happily, as though asking him how if he had enjoyed a good Quidditch match. "How does it feel to know you are going to die, slowly and painfully, all because of your very own father? Huh, James? How does that feel?"

James's chest was rising and falling so quickly, that the lining of moonlight along his silhouette smeared into a blur. He could not speak.

"ANSWER ME, BOY! Show me that famous Potter family courage!" The man's voice had filled with hatred. The endless sky swallowed it up as the stars looked on in silence. He lifted his wand again. "But of course, you let me down yet again. Crucio!"

Again, James's whole body convulsed. Remembrance of the pain surged through Lily's body as she watched. His wrenching scream was fading, as though he was losing strength.

"STOP! STOP! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" screamed Sirius from above.

James's father let down his wand once more and the curse ceased. He glanced briefly up at Sirius. "Silencio," he said before turning back to his son.

"How does it feel, James?" he asked again, slowly and softly this time. "Do you want to know why I'm doing this?" He bent over James. "DO YOU?" he bellowed, raising his wand again.

James's head moved slightly as though he was trying to nod.

"It's because I, your dear old dad, decided to lock eight Death Eaters in Azkaban. So the Dark Lord brought me to see what a stupid, righteous fool I was. And now I've come to make sure you never make the same mistake."

Recalling what he had done seemed to send a powerful jolt of rage through him. Again, he stabbed his wand in the direction of his son's helpless body. "Crucio!"

This time, James's mouth opened wide but nothing came out. He could not scream. Lily could practically see the strength evaporating from him as he jerked and shuddered on the ground, sending swirls of dirt rippling into the air, like ashes leaving a fire.

It seemed like years before the man lifted the curse. When he finally did, James lay so still, all the oxygen inside of Lily left her and was replaced by dark fear. Please hold on, James. Please, please hold on.

"Tell me, James...Do you think what I did was worth the pain you feel now?" the man sneered. "Was it worth your life?"

His wand rose again. Lily knew it would be the last time.

"Avadaaaa--"

The curse trailed off into a weak gasp. His eyes rolled and he began to sway. After a moment, he fell to his knees, panting and holding his wand to his chest with both hands.

"James...James...." he said softly between sharp inhales of breath. Still gripping his wand and muttering under his breath, he fell to the ground next to his son, who did not move.

After a moment, he fell silent and grew still.

"AARGH!" Sirius toppled out of the air, landing in the road a few feet away. He hastened to his feet and rushed over to them, collapsing on his knees at James's side.

"He's breathing!" yelped Sirius. Then he inspected James's father. "And he's unconscious..."

Lily felt herself fill with air. She felt inflated, stronger. She pushed off the ground and sat up. Instantly, her head began to whirl once again. As her vision and hearing dwindled, she dug her fingers into the dirt, determined to keep her balance. After a few moments, she could hear the wind rustle the branches of the trees and if she really squinted, she could see Sirius kneeling near James and his father.

She still felt as though there were earthquake-sized cracks in her head, but her thoughts were slowly beginning to straighten out and she knew that from the look of James, it was a very good sign that he was breathing but she also knew he needed help. Quickly.

"Go get Dumbledore," she tried to call to Sirius but the words that left her mouth were barely above a whisper.

"What?"

Lily took a deep breath and gently let her eyes close, trying to summon all her strength. "Dumbledore!" she cried.

"I can't leave you alone!"

Lily tried to stay calm because getting upset would take energy she didn't have but impatient anger was bubbling up inside her, quickly rising to a boil. Why wouldn't Sirius just shut up and go?! Couldn't he see the life seeping out of James with each wasted second? She was not alone, and never would be, as long as James was still alive.

"Go...now!" she gasped, putting as much force into the words as possible.

"But, Lily, look at you. There's still Death Eaters in the village and you're in no shape to--"

"GO!"

Sirius shot her one last look before jumping to his feet. He turned and tore up the lane, flying at a pace that satisfied even Lily.

Lily fell onto her back, breathing hard from the effort of yelling at Sirius. She lay there for a minute, her face turned sideways so that she could see James and his chest moving up and down. His face was so pale and unearthly in the light of the moon.

She heaved herself onto her stomach, keeping her eyes on that face. It took her a moment to recover from the exertion: her head and muscles were screaming in protest. All they wanted to do was lie still forever. However, she forced her arms to stretch out toward James. Getting a firm grip with her fingertips buried into the lane, she slowly dragged her body closer to him. After a minute of catching her breath, she reached out and pulled herself a few more feet. It took her several more pulls before she could reach out and touch James. She placed her hand on his forehead and felt beads of cold sweat. Her hand shook as she wiped them away.

Lily took another deep breath and inched closer. She let her head rest in the nook of James's neck and shoulder and gently held his head to hers. Fiery tears burned deep inside of her as the sound of his heartbeat hummed in her ears. Her body felt so heavy, like it would never move on its own again, but, she thought as her eyes slid shut, she would happily settle for that as long as James stayed right here with her, where his heartbeat could lull her into a peaceful sleep.

Suddenly, the sound of a whip snapping splintered the silence. Lily froze and carefully cracked open an eye, looking in the direction of the noise.

A tall, thin man stood several feet away, facing the distant shadow of a castle. Like James's father, his head was draped with the hood of his flowing black cloak. Lily watched him turn and approach the three of them lying in the middle of the lane. She saw slices of gleaming red pupils looking out from a colorless, skull-like face, studying each of their bodies. He stopped and stood over James's father for a moment. Lily didn't dare let herself breathe.

The man brought back his foot and swung it into Mr. Potter, who rolled to the side and then flopped back onto his stomach. Then he shot a jet of light at the unconscious man from his wand. He kicked him again and this time, James's father let out a grunt.

"Why isn't your son dead, Potter?" demanded the tall man in a high voice that was so cold Lily actually shivered. She tensed up, anxiously hoping the man hadn't noticed.

"I'm...so-so-sorry..." James's father gasped. He sounded as though he was partly underwater. Lily could feel the vibrations of his shuddering body.

"You're sorry what?" said the man quietly. The voice was calmly dangerous, like a snake slowly circling its prey before lunging in for the kill.

"Sorry, ma-ma-master."

"Get up. I'm going to watch you kill your son. Then you can take the girl for practice if I see it fitting to keep you around."

Lily couldn't see James's father, but she heard a lot of shuffling and panting, saw the dust rising. He was trying to get up and trying not to at the same time. Finally, he rose, shaking uncontrollably from head to toe, to his feet and into Lily's view. He wobbled for half a second before collapsing back onto his knees.

"You can fight this if you want, Potter, but it won't do any good. GET UP!"

Mr. Potter staggered to his feet. He had stopped shaking. Lily had a strange feeling that this wasn't a good sign.

She reached for her wand and jerked herself upward. "Stupefy!"

The red light rocketed from the tip of her wand and collided with Mr. Potter's back. He tipped over and fell, once more, to the ground.

Lily, her wand raised and needles of pain jabbing through her entire arm, looked at the other man just in time to see the look of shock become hastily blanketed with amusement. He stared back at her with his scarlet eyes and smiled.

"Well, well, well, we've suddenly gotten quite feisty, haven't we?" he said dryly. One long bony finger caressed his wand. "Welcome back to consciousness. May I ask who you are?"

Lily felt every muscle in her face harden. The force she put into her glare was painful. She waited a moment before answering. Since he didn't seem to be in any hurry to kill her, she would use anything within her power to stall him using that wand to murder James.

"My name is Lily Evans."

"Hello, Lily. My name is Lord Voldemort," he smiled, watching her closely, as though waiting for her to crumble with terror upon hearing his name. But Lily did not flinch, inside or out. She felt no surprise, nor terror. She had been strangled by fear so many times that night she had grown immune to it. She had left it behind her on the road, in the spot she had laid while listening to James's fading screams as his father tortured him.

She stared up at him without so much as a blink.

Voldemort paused. Lily was glad to see that he seemed taken aback by her stoniness. That was something. If she could do nothing to stop him from killing James, at least she had thrown him off a little. At least she had let him see that she was not afraid of him.

"Nice to meet you," he continued silkily. "I suppose you are a friend of Potter's son?"

Lily moved her head faintly up and down. She could not quite believe she was still alive, talking to Voldemort. It was as though the need to protect James had unlocked a secret chamber inside of her, releasing strength and courage that had been hiding away there.

"And you thought you could stop Potter from murdering the boy?"

Lily did not answer.

Voldemort shook his head. "Tut, tut. Bravery is fine and well to a certain extent, my dear, but where will it get you in the end? Dead, right alongside this boy. Do you see the uselessness? Instead of saving a life, you waste two."

"At least when I die I will know I did everything I could to save James."

"Ah yes, I do hope that is comforting." He smiled sinisterly.

"You could never understand," hissed Lily, tilting up her chin.

"Oh, couldn't I? I don't know...I understand a great deal. But please, do explain it to me," he gestured with one spidery hand.

Lily slowly inhaled. Confusion was now edging into her. Why was he keeping this up? He wanted them both dead and, with two quick slashes of his wand, he could have his wish. There was nothing stopping him. Why, why then was he taking the time to carry on a useless conversation with some girl hunched over in the middle of the street? And asking her to explain the concept of love? Like she had said, he would never grasp it, this quiet explosion of feeling she had for the boy lying next to her.

Well, more time for James to keep breathing, to keep talking. More time for help to come.

She looked straight into the fiery red eyes, burning coldly into her. He looked expectant, amused.

"Let's hear it," he said. "Tell me why you would choose to throw away your own life for another, knowing that the other will die anyway?"

"Sometimes you have no choice."

"I beg your pardon."

"Because you couldn't live without them anyway," said Lily steadily.

Voldemort snickered disdainfully. "Ridiculous. No matter how much you may think you love this boy, people do not need other people to survive."

Lily continued to pierce him with her hard stare. "I didn't say I couldn't survive. I said I couldn't live."

There was a pause, then he began to laugh. The laugh--if you could call it that, because there was not a note of joy to be heard in it--was high and jagged, like shards of ice. When he finished, he looked down at her and sighed. "Too bad. You are nothing but a foolish girl. From what I have heard of you--and yes, I have heard of you, Lily--I hoped you would be much cleverer but you disappoint me with your romantic whims."

Lily grew hot. The blood in her face was rising, pumping loudly, not from shame, but anger. It was clearing her thoughts and she knew--There was to be no more stalling...this was it. This was it. She was not afraid, she was ready.

I am not the foolish one, she thought, and she looked down at James, once more, and an easy, warm calm settled over her.

She clenched her fingers around her wand. Voldemort was talking again, probably telling her about how he was going to kill her, but his words could not reach her.

"Expelliarmus!" she screamed, throwing out her wand arm. With all her strength focused on moving, she scrambled in front of James's body and knelt before him, her arm raised.

Voldemort stopped talking immediately and watched the spell hit him. He smiled as his wand did nothing but quiver in his grasp.

"So you want to fight? How admirable. Again, it will be quite useless, but admirable all the same."

"Petrificus totalus!" cried Lily, deaf to his mocking. "Rotalus!"

This time, Voldemort, busy blocking her first spell, was hit by the second. He was flung spinning into the air and, his cloak whipping around him, landed heavily on his back a few feet away. When his ghostly face appeared over the heap of robes, it was outraged.

He lifted his wand. "Crucio!"

Lily, expecting it, ducked the curse as she sent another spell toward Voldemort, who was trying to get to his feet. "Locomotor mortis!"

But before the curse could reach him, Voldemort vanished. There was a long moment of stillness where nothing moved, and the only sound was the beating of her own heart--her heart, which seemed to have grown until it filled her entire body and was throbbing just under her skin, inside her head and all the way down to her toes. Then with a crack! he reappeared several feet behind Lily, so that James was between them once again.

"I must admit, I am impressed. Pity there is no sense behind all that talent," he sneered.

Lily twisted around, her whole body shuddering from the force of all the rage, all the determination, and all the tenacity that was pulsing through her veins.

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it?" continued Voldemort. "So that's that. Like you said, you did what you could and now you will watch your friend here die with ease, right?"

"Avada kedavra!"

Lily saw his wand spit out the stripe of blinding green light and everything got quiet. Everything slowed down. Everything became something she was watching, as a spectator, from a nearby perch up above. She watched herself dive across James's body. She saw the dust rise like smoke as her hands were shoved into the street, cushioning the impact as her head and torso followed. She saw herself freeze in that position, curled over James with her face in the dirt, as she waited for the curse to hit and end it all.

Suddenly, the silence that was squeezing her brain broke. She was hearing something--or she thought she was--something that shut out every other sound and feeling. It was music...wasn't it? And it was coming from inside her own body. It was melting the heavy weakness that had seized her muscles. It was lifting the strangling sensation that had gripped her heart all night until she relaxed completely, feeling like a puddle of hot creamy butter. The melody drifted through her like a warm breeze and she felt like she could get up and dance to it. She could do anything. It was like strength in the form of music.

Was this the sound of heaven?

Then time quickened to its normal pace and she could feel the cold hard pebbles pressing into her face. She could feel herself clench her eyelids shut. The music continued to flow through the air but she knew she was still alive.

And the heaving chest below her told that James was too.