I Loved You More

A QUICK RECAP! (Since it's been so long)

Lily, Di, and Tara overheard Bellatrix and Arturus Wilkes talking about an attack on Hogsmeade. Bellatrix used the Cruciatus Curse on Lily and Tara and Tara lost consciousness. Lily and Di Stunned Bellatrix and Wilkes and they were going for help when Snape found them. He hid Tara's body and put the Lily and Di under the Imperius Curse. Snape made them follow him into Hogsmeade (which is being attacked by Death Eaters), where they met up with Clive Pritchard (you know, that guy Lily sortakinda dated for awhile and messed her and everything up for her), and they all went into a shop where a woman sat in shock over her husband's dead body. The Imperius Curse weakened and Lily was able to stun Snape. Pritchard blasted Lily through the window and James and Sirius found her lying in the street. When they went back into the shop, they found a hysterical Di, flinging Clive Pritchard's body around the shop with her wand. The chapter ended with them realizing Di had murdered Clive.

Chapter #30

A Nightmare

Di pressed her face harder into Lily's shoulder, as though trying to burrow into it and hide away there. Lily was numb to the tears bleeding through her shirt and soaking her skin. Her head was whirling, and she felt as though a knife had dug into the back of her skull. She was afraid to move...to breathe.

Sirius had quickly covered Clive's face again with the hood but Lily still saw his eyes as plainly as if they were directly in front of her face. She clenched her eyelids shut but the image only became clearer. The dark eyes were staring straight at her, but they were not seeing. Hastily, her heart trampling heavily across her insides, she opened them again.

Clive's body was still there. She gazed at it, wishing it would move.

Sirius stood up. He was looking past Lily at James. Perhaps it was fortunate that Lily was not looking at him and could not see the utterly lost expression they shared. It would have made her vomit and she already felt too weak to support Diana for much longer. It was better that she did not know that everyone around her was weighed down with the same feeling and that Sirius and James were nowhere near to having the control they tried to appear to have. For the moment, Lily needed to believe the appearance or they all would have broken down.

The room remained silent, though Lily was partly deafened by the thudding of her heart. Then Sirius shook his hands through his hair, as if James had somehow voiced words of reassurance through the long look they had exchanged over Lily and Di's heads, giving him the strength to move.

"Okay," said Sirius purposefully. "We really need to--" he drifted off, slowly realizing that he could not answer the big, resounding question that they could not avoid: What should they do now?

"--see what's going on outside," finished James.

"Yeah," breathed Sirius. "Yeah."

At least someone had an answer, or was pretending to. Sirius went to the door and took a step outside.

Lily tore her eyes away from Clive at last, and waited for Sirius to report what he saw.

He reappeared and stood, framed in the doorway. "Help is coming!" he said with false energy.

No one questioned him. They knew that that was the best news he could give, whether it was true or not.

"Should we stay here?" breathed Lily, trying to steady her voice.

James stepped around Lily and moved toward Sirius. The lost, alone feeling in Lily grew stronger, emptying her out. She suddenly felt shaky under Di's weight and she knew it would not be long before she collapsed beneath her. James's physical closeness to her since he had found her in the street had given her strength and courage and, even as she watched him take a few short steps away, she felt some of that leave her. Her head spun harder and faster.

"No..." whispered James. Then, as if agreeing with himself, he shook his head and raised his voice. "No. Let's go."

"How?" asked Sirius.

James stared at him. "I can't--we can't stay here."

"Where do you think we're gonna go?" returned Sirius, his voice breaking. "Out there? Are we just going to leave that woman by herself? Lily can barely move and Di..." he trailed away, glancing out the smashed window. Then he turned back to James with wide eyes. "How far do you think we're going to get with all those Death Eaters out there?"

"I know...but I just can't...I can't take this," said James softly, stepping closer to the door.

Lily looked from James to Sirius, hardly breathing. Sirius met her gaze. She saw her fear reflected in his eyes: James did not sound right. He did not have the uncertainty in his voice that was overwhelming Lily and Sirius's brains and they were afraid that it was because he had shut down his. They knew that, while they were ruled by contemplation and reason, James could surrender thought to his body and whatever it was feeling. And they knew that he would run with it.

Silently, Lily pleaded with Sirius not to let him.

A little of the fear in Sirius's eyes melted and was replaced by ferocity.

"Come on, mate. You can't be serious," he said.

But James only seemed to grow more restless. He pulled the hood of his cloak over his head. "I have to. They're killing people. I have to help them."

Sirius snatched James's arm. "Shit, James. You can't do this. You can't go out there alone. What about the girls?"

Lily found her voice. "No, I'm fine." If James was going out there--and she saw there was going to be no stopping him--she was going with him.

Gripping onto Di, she slowly stood up. For a moment, her vision clouded over and she struggled to remain on her feet. But she steadied herself and the dizziness passed. Her head felt heavy and her legs felt like water but she was standing. Di lifted her head from her shoulder and took a step back, squeezing both her hands over her face.

Lily looked at James. He was staring at her with an inscrutable look on his face. He was about to speak when Sirius gasped.

"Look," he said. He was gazing through the window at the chaos outside, his face glowing green.

Lily and James turned. Out on the streets, sharp cracks snapped through the air as witches and wizards appeared in whirls of purple among the hooded figures.

"The Ministry," said James. "About time."

"I'd say," sighed Sirius. "See, James? The only people who need you are right in here."

Something stirred at Lily's feet. She looked down and gasped when she saw Snape's Stunned body. Bubbles were rippling under his skin, which was growing darker. The roots of his hair were withdrawing into his skull. His nose shrunk and soon he did not look like Snape at all.

"What the hell?" Sirius stepped closer and crouched down next to him.

"It's Chad Nott!" cried Lily, suddenly recognizing him as the boy Clive Pritchard was always hanging around--or, used to hang around. "What's going on?"

"Polyjuice Potion," said Sirius.

"Seriously? So that wasn't Snape at all?" asked Lily, shocked.

"Guess not. It was this Nott bastard."

"Sirius, what are we going to do? About Di? Will she have to go to--?" Lily's voice caught in her throat. She cast a glance back at Di but she was still standing in the same spot, her hands covering her face. She did not move or make a noise.

"I dunno, Ev. This is bad, though," remarked Sirius, shaking his head. He lowered his voice so that Di would not hear, despite the fact that she probably wouldn't notice if she could. "Even if Pritchard was a Death Eater, it's still a crime to kill him. We don't even know if Di will be fit to testify. Prongs, you know how they do things in the Ministry. What's going to happen?"

But James, like Di, did not seem to be listening. He was gazing out the window.

"Prongs?"

Lily took a step toward him. He had gone completely still. She saw that his eyes, reflecting flecks of the green light, were narrowed and intensely focused.

"What is it?" asked Lily softly.

James did not answer. Lily's pulse grew faster and faster the longer he remained still. His eyes were following someone outside. His chest was heaving up and down.

Lily threw a panicked look at Sirius but saw that he too had gone rigid. He had traced James's gaze and his mouth hung open.

"Nooo..." he muttered, as though he could not believe what he was seeing.

Lily stared through the square frame out onto the street. All she could see was a mess of spells flying back and forth between the purple-clad Ministry officials and the shadowy Death Eaters. James and Sirius were seeing something she could not and the high tension that the sight had brought into the shop was radiating from both of them.

Lily's chest was bulging now too. Finally, she could not take it anymore.

"What is it?!" she shrieked.

Both boys ignored her. Another moment passed, during which their hearts banged away, louder than the screams and commotion outside. The next thing Lily knew, Sirius was lunging at James. But it was too late. James had leapt through the window. He disappeared into the crowd on the other side.

"JAAAAAMESAAH--"

The pain in her head seemed to numb itself as Lily flew to the window, her arm outstretched. She had tried to cry out to James but his name was indistinguishable from the terrified blast of sounds that came out of her mouth. Her brain sped up until her thoughts were short explosions of realization, blowing her away one after another as they hit. Death Eaters--James alone--out there! James was gone! JAMES!

Lily bounded through the window. She ran, faster than her legs were built to go, in the direction of James.

BAM! Her chin hit the stone street. Night settled into the wreckage of her brain and all that was there was darkness and a ringing in her ears. For the second time that night, she was drifting, the renewed pain spinning her head around and around was fading...Everything was fading.

NO TIME! James was out here! There was no time to black out.

Lying on her stomach on the cobblestones, Lily blinked several times and gave her head a shake. Feet were dodging her, the hems of purple and black cloaks whirled over her. She twisted around and saw that the thing she had tripped on was a dead body, sprawled in a pool of green light.

"LILY!"

She was lifted off the ground. Lily blinked harder and forced herself to focus on the face. Sirius.

He would help her find James.

"Lily. God, Lily. Don't DO that!" he yelled.

"James. Where's James? Where's he going?" mumbled Lily, saying the only thing that made sense inside her head.

"Lily, it's his dad. He saw his dad," said Sirius. "We've got to find him before he does something stupid--Watch it!" He yanked her back to the ground just as a flash of green passed overhead. "Come on. This way."

They crept to their feet. Then they were running again. Lily didn't know how she was moving so fast. All she knew was Sirius's arm around her and her all-consuming need to follow him. He had them in a Shielding Charm as they rushed around dozens of duels, over more bodies, through piles of ruins, and back up the lane that led to the castle.

When Lily and Sirius emerged from the final group of duelers, they saw two figures running up the lane ahead. Immediately, they recognized the one closest to them. The moonlight lit the long lanky legs skimming the dirt road and the rippling of the wild black hair--

"DAD! Wait up! Dad, come back!" he was screaming. His voice was high and it sounded gleeful and yet desperately afraid at the same time.

A little ahead of James was a tall figure dressed in black hooded robes. He was running very strangely, as though he could not quite make up his mind about whether to stop or keep going. He kept making himself stumble and the wand in his hand was acting like it was trying to steer him backwards, toward James. His arm was stretched behind him in an awkward position and it looked like his whole arm would snap off if he didn't turn around to face the direction that the wand was pointed.

"James!" bellowed Sirius. He pulled Lily along to try and catch up with him.

James glanced back for a second.

"It's my dad!" he called eagerly, still sprinting up the lane.

Suddenly, the black-hooded man up ahead fell flat on his face in the dirt.

"Dad!" yelped James. He bounded to the man's side. "Dad? Are you alright?"

The man lay flat on his stomach. As Lily and Sirius go closer, they saw his whole body was shaking. His wand arm was twitching sharply and it seemed to be causing the vibrations.

"Get...away!" he gasped. The words seemed to take every amount of determination he had. He was panting heavily and his face was red and jeweled with sweat from the effort.

James touched his father's arm. Lily's heart broke as she watched all the excitement seep out of his face. She put her hands on his shoulders.

"What? Dad...what are you talking about?" His voice cracked.

"Prongs, he's not right," said Sirius slowly. "We have to get him to the castle. Dumbledore will know what to do."

James's father's face scrunched up into a tense grimace, as though he was in great pain. His eyes bulged and rolled inside his head and then, without warning, he roared and the twitching arm flung out at James, knocking him in the face. James cried out in surprise and fell to the side. Lily dropped to her knees next to James. He sat up and stared at his father, his eyes wide.

The man had jumped to his feet as though he had received a shot of agility. His wand arm had stopped shaking and he looked quite in control of it.

"Dad! What--what is going on?!" cried James.

Lily looked up at the man. The moonlight crept into his hood and lit up his face--a face so much like James's, only the smile it wore could not have been farther from James's smile. It was not the smile a father should wear when looking upon his son. Lily saw it and knew that they were not safe with this man.

Something was not right...

"What do you think is going on, James?" asked the man. "Huh? We're having a father-son reunion."

"Prongs, let's go get Dumbledore," Sirius cut in, moving quickly over to James. He took hold of his arm and tugged him off the ground.

"Yes, but where have you been all this time?" asked James breathlessly. He ignored Sirius, transfixed by his father.

"Oh, you know...been doing some traveling. I've learned a lot, in fact, during the weeks I've been away," said the man. He slid his fingers up and down his wand as he spoke. "Now I've come here to show you what I've learned."

"Come on, let's go get Dumbledore," said Sirius again, much more firmly. He grabbed both Lily and James and began to pull them up the lane. Lily held onto James's other arm and helped Sirius hurry him along.

"Where are you going?" called the man. He sounded smug, amused. "Come back, James. Aren't you happy to see your old man?"

"Keep walking, James. Keep walking," murmured Lily. Her head was pounding in her ears, the sharp pain becoming strong again.

"No, Dad, we're just going to get Dumbledore, okay?" said James gently. "He can help us."

He was gazing back at his father. Lily glanced back, holding tightly onto James. The wind flew out of her when she saw the man following them, his wand raised.

"Dumbledore? Your father is here, you do not need that crackpot's help!" shouted the man, every trace of amusement gone from his voice. "Come back here now, James!"

"Hurry!" she gasped.

"Shut up, you stupid girl!" roared the man, quickening his pace. "Stay away from my son!"

He dashed forward, spraying an orange jet of light from his wand. His spell collided with Lily's back. She was blasted off her feet and flew, flipping in the air, several feet away where she landed on her back.

"NOOO!" screamed James. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Impedimenta!" bellowed Sirius, who had ripped out his wand. The man swiftly reflected the jinx. It shot back and hit Sirius square in the chest, knocking him to the ground.

"I'm showing you what I have learned, son," replied the man darkly.

"I am not your son!" James shouted.

The man smiled at the boy in front of him. Then he raised his wand again, aiming it at Lily. "Crucio!"

The last thing Lily saw was James charging at his father. Then, searing hot knives sliced every inch of her body for the second time that night. She forgot where she was, forgot why she was there, forgot who she was...or rather, she no longer cared. All she cared about was ending the pain...anything, just make it stop.

Finally, it stopped. Lily lay in the dusty lane, in shock and deep, deep pain. The dark cloud over her vision dispersed and the moon, a perfect circle, glistened in the sky above her. Then she remembered where she was.

She was outside of Hogsmeade with Sirius, James, and James's father. James's father the Death Eater.

Lily remembered where she was and tried to believe it was a nightmare.