I Loved You More

Chapter #32

Escape Number One

Lily lifted her head off the ground and opened her eyes. The music had stopped. She blinked away the blur and saw bright red flames seething before her. But she blinked again and they had died out so quickly she knew she must have imagined them.

"Lily!"

Lily raised her eyes in time to see Sirius and Professor Dumbledore rushing toward her from across the lane, their robes billowing behind them.

"Look out!" she screamed.

Sirius stopped dead but Dumbledore leapt right over Mr. Potter and bent down over Lily and James with astonishing agility.

"What is it, Lily?" he asked.

The calmness of his voice was almost alien to her ears after all the things she had heard that night. It was not enough to calm Lily. She jerked her head around despite the searing pain, her eyes desperately trying to pierce the darkness. He was lurking was out there somewhere and Sirius and Dumbledore were clueless. "It's him!" she hissed, panicked. "He's here!"

"What?" cried Sirius from behind. "You don't mean Voldemort?"

Dumbledore, however, did not look surprised. "I know, Lily. But he's gone now and I daresay you're going to be fine. We just have to make sure that James is as fortunate." He looked at her, the moonlight reflecting off his half-moon glasses and accentuating the crinkles in his beard, and gently nudged her shoulder.

Lily then realized she was still sprawled protectively over James and was about to scramble off him but her body would not obey.

"Sirius, could I have a hand, if you please?" asked Dumbledore.

"Oh. Yes, sir." Sirius darted forward and helped Lily off of James.

Lily gripped his shoulder weakly, feeling very dazed. "But sir--he was just here, I swear it. What happened?" she stammered.

"Your guess is as good as mine. He is probably quite busy. Unfortunately, whatever he is doing is not good, I'm sure," he said, inspecting James carefully. "That is why it is important that I get all four of you to the hospital as quickly as possible so I can go help the Ministry attempt to sort out the terrible mess he's made tonight."

Lily winced as her head gave a throb. "But...but...he tried to kill James but--what happened?"

"I believe you made sure that didn't happen, Lily," he said, smiling up at her from where he knelt next to James.

"Yes, but what about the Killing Curse?"

Dumbledore slowly got to his feet and turned to face them. "Fawkes here swallowed it," he said simply, holding out his hand.

Lily squinted through her hazy vision and gasped when she saw that he held a tiny, grayish creature, only slightly resembling a bird, covered in ashes. Dumbledore bent over and picked up a stray twig off the ground and handed it to Sirius, who looked bewildered. Then he tapped it with his wand, saying, "Portus. This will get the four of you to St. Mungo's Hospital."

"St. Mungo's?" asked Sirius, his brow furrowed.

"Madame Pomfrey is a very capable witch but I am afraid a school nurse will not be able to help with Unforgivable Curses. Now, safe journey. I will be in touch shortly."

He gave them a wave of his hand and, still clutching Fawkes, disappeared with a loud crack!

"Here--grab his arm and I'll get Mr. Potter," said Sirius, letting Lily fall to her knees near James and reaching for Mr. Potter. Lily grasped James's wrist and the twig just as Sirius clasped a hand around his father's arm. Instantly, Lily felt the tug behind her naval. Their surroundings smeared around them in a whirl. The next second, Lily felt her knees hit a cold floor.

Lily blinked under the heat of the bright lights, still holding tightly to James. Sirius was standing over her and Mr. Potter was huddled against a large desk. A weary-looking woman sat behind it, gaping at them.

"We need help," said Sirius, jumping to his feet. "Quickly. They need Healers!"

The woman seemed to take a moment to regain her ability to speak. She cleared her throat. "What happened to them?"

"Cruciatus Curse," said Sirius, pointing to Lily and James. Then he looked towards Mr. Potter. "And the Imperius."

But Sirius's voice was drowned out by a chorus of cracking noises. Suddenly, witches and wizards were appearing in the reception room, all looking very battered, some were even clutching unconscious.

"What the devil--" gasped the witch.

"There was a Death Eater attack!" yelled Sirius. "Hurry up and do something!"

The witch snatched her wand and put it to her throat. "Sonorus. All available Healers report to the reception room immediately. We have an emergency. All available Healers report to the reception room," her hoarse voice boomed throughout the hospital, thundering over more cracks as more injured wizards apparated into the room.

Several more wizards and witches decked in lime-green robes rushed into the room. Fortunately, they were quicker to spring into action than the Welcome Witch. They took a brief glance around and rushed to the aid of the more severely injured people, who were hunched in chairs or slumped on the floor.

"Hey! HEY! Over here!" barked Sirius.

A tall witch hurried over. "Imperius Curse?" she asked, crouching next to Mr. Potter.

"Yeah."

"We've been seeing a lot of these," she sighed, then turned to James. "And this one?"

"Cruciatus. Several times. Same with her," replied Sirius, nodding to Lily.

"All right. I'm going to bring them up to the fourth floor. The Daidryn Coblynau ward. Give your name and theirs to the witch at the desk." She bent over Lily as she closed her fingers around Mr. Potter and James's wrists. "Please grip my arm as tightly as you can, miss." Lily did as she was told, though her head was too foggy for her to be sure if she was actually doing it, and before she knew it, she was being sucked through a narrow, air-tight tunnel, leaving Sirius back in the crowded room. They arrived a second later in a small, darkened ward.

"Quick, Liana, help me get them in beds," the Healer ordered a young woman in bright blue robes. The nurse rushed over and the two of them levitated Mr. Potter and James on to two beds. Then the nurse turned to Lily, who felt herself lift off the floor, drift up and land softly in a third bed. Lily lay motionless, not that she could move if she wanted to. The Healer popped into view overhead and held out a small cup. "Drink this," she said, and tipped its contents slowly into Lily's mouth. The liquid was hot and thick and it slid easily down Lily's throat. She heard the nurse closing the curtain around her bed. The Healer was talking quickly to the nurse but her voice faded away all Lily heard was a gentle hushing sound, so soothing. Her eyelids grew heavy, too heavy to hold open. Finally they closed and Lily was out.

* * *

Bright, milky sunlight was drifting through the window by the time Lily woke up. She squinted but as her eyes adjusted, they saw there was nothing to see but the bare white curtain enclosing her inside the corner of the ward. Lily cautiously stretched out her legs. They felt wonderfully painless. She reached out her arms in a stretch and arched her back enjoying how free her muscles felt. Then she noticed a tray of food on her bedside table next to a large bouquet of lilies gushing out of a vase. She sat up and reached for the tiny card, smiling at the fact that James had already woken up. But when she unfolded it, she recognized her mother's handwriting.

Get better quickly, darling.

We're on our way over to see you.

Love,

Mum and Dad

Lily tossed the card aside and kicked off the bedclothes. She slipped off the bed and around the curtain, heading toward the bed where the Healer had laid James the previous night but stopped, surprised, when she saw that someone else was sleeping there. She looked around and saw that Mr. Potter wasn't in his bed either. In fact, all the beds were full but neither James nor his father were in sight. Trying not to panic, Lily flew to the door of the ward. When she yanked it open, she found herself face to face with her Healer.

"What do you think you're doing?" cried the Healer. "You're not fit to run around yet! Get back into bed."

"Where's James? He's okay, right? He's all better?" demanded Lily.

The Healer's face stiffened. "Not exactly," she sighed, placing her hand on Lily's shoulder and steering her back across the ward. "He's been moved to another ward to be monitored more closely."

"Is he going to be all right? Can I see him?"

The Healer cast her eyes downward as she motioned for Lily to get into bed. "I don't know. I haven't heard anything since he left this ward. How are you feeling?"

"What about his father?"

"He's been moved also. He's doing well, though. We should be able to release him in a few days. Drink this."

Lily took the tiny cup she held out and put it to her lips. This time, it was cold and burned like acid. She grimaced. "Where's Sirius?"

"The boy who brought you here? I believe he's with Mrs. Potter."

Lily's heart suddenly felt like lead. "Have they been to see James?"

"He's probably still with the Healers. He took a lot of that curse." Lily was quick to notice that she would not meet her eyes. She pulled out a clipboard and flipped to a chart. "How are you feeling? Are you experiencing any pain?"

"No, not at all. I feel great," replied Lily; all she felt was restlessness to get out and be with Sirius and James's mother.

"Okay then, please stand up and touch your toes. Good. Arms over your head. No pain?"

"None."

"What about your head? You seemed dazed last night. How are you now? Can you see clearly?" inquired the Healer, scrutinizing Lily through her square glasses.

"Yes. I feel great," said Lily impatiently.

The Healer smiled. "Bear with me. What's your name?"

Lily refrained from rolling her eyes. "Lily Evans."

"Where and when were you born?"

"June 11, 1960 at Royal London Hospital."

"Very good," said the Healer, nodding as she made a note on her clipboard. Now for your magical abilities. Here is your wand. Please Summon those flowers."

"Accio lilies!" The flowers left the bed stand and drifted into Lily's arms.

"Now water them."

Lily pointed her wand at them. "Aguamenti!" A stream of water poured from the tip of her wand and into the vase.

"Wonderful. Now you may leave, if you like. Your friend should be in the tearoom just down at the end of the corridor. Don't overexert yourself. The effects of the Cruciatus Curse have been known to show themselves at unexpected places and times."

Lily was already out the door. She rushed down the hall, still wearing nothing but socks on her feet and entered the tearoom. It was rather crowded, with many people looking up nervously whenever a Healer strode by. In the corner of the room, Lily saw Sirius, his eyes dark and his face pale and stretched out, sitting next to a middle-aged witch with salt and pepper hair and familiar hazel eyes.

Sirius noticed her as she approached them. "Lily, you're up!" he cried, getting to his feet. He appeared to be putting in a fierce effort to smile at her but, whether it was exhaustion or he just didn't have it in him, his mouth simply widened in a strained, overwrought way. "I came to see you this morning but they wouldn't let me in because you were sleeping. How do you feel?"

"Oh, I wish people would stop asking me that. I feel great." Lily felt herself mirroring his awkward smile. She wanted to hug him, for the simple reason that she needed to feel some arms around her, plus he looked like he could use one too, but she wasn't sure how she should act in front of Mrs. Potter. Then again, Mrs. Potter looked like she was in dire need of a hug as well.

"Hi, Mrs. Potter. I'm Lily."

Mrs. Potter's eyes seemed to look through Lily as she said, "Nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you."

"Me too," replied Lily, feeling strange going through all the niceties in such a situation.

They all sat down in a row of chairs. Although they didn't say anything, they were all aware of each other thinking about the same thing--the same person.

Silently, they waited for news. Lily tapped her foot gently against the leg of the chair, quietly but incessantly, needing the restlessness inside of her to vent itself somehow. There were old magazines spread across the table in the middle of the room. Lily reached for Which Broomstick and flipped through each page, without reading a word. She put it down and reached for another, glancing at each page without seeing anything. Then she put it down and grabbed another and did the same thing. Then another. As she went to take sixth magazine, Sirius grabbed her wrist.

"Lily, stop."

"Sorry."

She suppressed her agitation as best she could, though it seemed to stretch each minute to ten times its length. Sirius kept slouching further into his seat until he finally dozed off against Lily's shoulder. Lily's stomach rumbled with hunger. But Mrs. Potter remained silent.

Lily had no idea how much time passed as they waited. She wasn't even sure what they were waiting for. All she knew was that she needed to be there when it happened, when they knew...however agonizing the wait was.

Lily was staring at her knees when a pair of shoes and the hem of bright green robes stepped into view before her. Lily's eyes darted from the shoes to the face of a Healer with wide, bloodshot eyes and shaking hands that clutched a pile of forms.

"Excuse me," he said.

"Are you the family of James Potter?"

Lily's empty stomach seemed to fall right out of her, through the chair, to land on the floor. She swallowed, knowing what was coming. This is it. This is when he breaks it to us.

"Yes," croaked Mrs. Potter. "How's my son?"

Lily wanted to run to her and wrap her arms around the poor woman's head, squeezing out her ability to hear so that she would be spared of having to face the words, "He didn't make it."

But Lily sat there, frozen. Still waiting.

"He's stable, but unresponsive."

Mrs. Potter clutched her face, exhaling deeply.

Sirius glanced at her then spoke up. "Unresponsive?"

The Healer nodded grimly. "Yes. The Cruciatus Curse is so excruciating that when one suffers through it repeatedly it can render them psychologically disabled. We don't know how long it will be before we get a response out of him. These things vary by person. Why we've been housing more and more patients damaged by the Cruciatus lately and just last week a woman came to after a few hours. But of course James has suffered more severe and probably more lasting pain. There is a possibility of permanent brain damage."

Mrs. Potter's hands fell to her side, her mouth opening. A soft murmur came out. Lily, taking a deep breath, reached across Sirius and slipped her hand into hers.

"James is strong, Mrs. Potter," she whispered.

"Yeah, don't worry about Prongs," added Sirius.

The Healer nodded, trying to generate more optimism. "It is best if James is around friends and family--people closest to him--as much as possible," he said, looking around at them. "It may be emotionally straining but hearing familiar voices will most likely be the thing to trigger a response, so please, be with him and talk to him as much as you can."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "I want to see him now."

"Follow me."

The Healer led Mrs. Potter away, leaving Sirius and Lily standing in the tearoom. They looked at each other, unsure of what to do so they stood there for a moment, among the many other anxious family and friends, who were also unsure of what to do. Everyone looked so nervous, fear in their eyes, attempted hope in their whispers, restless and uncomfortable in the hospital chairs. Lily walked out, following the Healer and Mrs. Potter, uncertain about everything but the desire to get out of that room.

Sirius followed behind her. The Healer led them up a flight of stairs and to the end of a long hallway. He stopped in front of a door and opened it. Lily caught a glimpse of the foot of a bed before a nurse blocked her view as she exited the room to allow James's mother in. The nurse shook her head at the Healer, who nodded and walked away with his charts and files. The nurse gave Lily and Sirius an encouraging smile before leaving them alone at James's door.

Mrs. Potter stayed inside for a long time. Lily wanted to go in but Sirius stopped her, saying that they should let her be alone. They waited so more. Lily tried to imagine what an unresponsive James would be like, to prepare herself, but she just kept picturing him sleeping. James was beautiful when he slept because she knew he would wake up. But if he was "unresponsive," would there be an awake?

Finally, Mrs. Potter came out, her face ashen and her eyes red, and allowed Lily to go inside next. Lily looked at Sirius. He nodded at her and gave her a little nudge on the back.

Lily opened the door and peered into the room.

There was only one bed in the ward. James was lying on the pillows, still and pale. He did not even blink at the sound of the door opening. He remained gazing straight at the bare wall, his eyes glassy and empty. There was a tray on the bedside table, next to his glasses, with a bowl of stew, filled to the brim.

Lily looked at him from the doorway for a long time. Finally she had to bend her head to catch the tears that were falling quickly from behind her eyes. Then she dug her fists into her eyes, smearing her pain, and stepped inside. Gently, she closed the door and approached the bed.

Be with him and talk to him.

"Hello, James," whispered Lily, unable to choke out anything louder. "How are you feeling?"

He didn't move; he just kept staring at the wall.

More tears rushed down Lily's face. She touched his face and brushed her hand through his hair. James didn't even blink. Lily touched his cheek. She wondered if he could see her. She wondered what kinds of thoughts were trickling through his brain. She didn't want to believe the emptiness of his eyes. She knew there was something behind them. James couldn't just end like that.

Lily swallowed the lump in her throat but it came back up again, threatening to choke her. She had to keep talking but what else could she say? How could she talk to him when he did not even remember who she was?

"You are so brave, James," she said. The words came out wet and sloppy. Tears were burning her face and her chest felt like it weighed thousands of pounds but she kept talking. "You're still here, you're still alive, so listen to me. You have to get better. You can't just keep sitting here like a bump on a log." Her voice grew a little clearer. She talked louder, as though that could make him understand what she was saying. "There's no way you can settle for this. You have to pull yourself out of this, James. Do you hear me? James, listen to me! I'm talking to you! Do you hear me?"

Her rising voice broke like a wave crashing against a brick wall. A strong urge to shake James came over her. She saw herself seizing him by his shoulders and using all her strength to snap him out of it, to make him listen to her. But Lily did not shake him. It wasn't that easy and she knew it.

She sucked in a breath and crawled onto the bed. She reached for James's glasses, which sat on the bedside table, and put them on his nose. Then Lily turned his chin ever so slightly so that his blank gaze was directed at her.

"Where are you?" she whispered, frowning at him. She sat, hovering over him for a long time, praying he would come to life, like magic. But there was no magic that could reverse the pain his father put him through.

Lily froze when James's gave a faint nod, holding her breath. He mumbled something deep and incoherent in his throat but his eyes remained distant, looking past her.

She took his hand and held on tightly. A sob was fighting to escape. She pushed it away and crept closer to James. She rested her head on his chest, just below his chin, pulling his arm around her. She closed her eyes and pretended he was holding her as she listened to his heartbeat. "Wherever you are, I wish I was there too."

There was a knock at the door. Sirius's voice was gentle. "Ev? You almost ready?"

"Just a second," croaked Lily.

She opened her eyes. She did not want to leave him. She felt as though he were going to sit up any second, blink a few times, and ask her why she was crying. Then he would kiss the wet skin just beneath her eyes and tell her he was going to be fine. What if she wasn't here when he came back?

Slowly, she pressed a kiss to his chest. Then she slid off the bed, still gripping his limp hand. Her tears had left a small spot on his hospital gown, right over his heart.

Lily wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Okay, Sirius," she called, turning toward the door. "We're all set."

The door cracked open. Sirius took a tentative step inside. He moved slowly, one step at a time, to James's bedside where Lily stood. Then he peered down at his best friend, who no longer recognized him.

Sirius inhaled sharply. Lily touched his arm.

A smile appeared on Sirius's lips. It was unlike any other smile Lily had ever seen. It had all the signs of being a regular smile, as though Sirius believed James would see it and grin right back, and yet it seemed stuck on a face full of ache, like a brightly colored sticker covering a wound, hiding it and the depth of its penetration.

"How're you doing, mate?" he said, very quickly.

James's head fell softly to the side.

Sirius clapped his hand over his face. His shoulders shook. The sob finally forced its way out of Lily. It was followed by another and another. Her chest no longer felt like it was carrying thousands of pounds but she was choking on the weight, which was more painful still.

She tightened her grip on Sirius's arm. He pulled it around her and drew her in. She held on tight. Their fear collided and splashed over them as Lily and Sirius cried in each other's arms while James looked on, the sight meaning nothing to him.