I Loved You More

Chapter #26

In the Rain

The dormitory was dark and silent when Lily awoke. Her eyelids seemed to be pasted together. Her body felt oddly calm and relieved despite her aching muscles and piercing pain throbbing somewhere in her chest.

She slowly turned her head to peek at the clock. It was half past one in the morning. She had spent most of the previous day in bed trying not to think and pretending to sleep until finally, she actually fell into a deep slumber.

Lily put her hand to her face. It was crisp with dried tears and her hair was slick with grease. She turned and sat up, delicately placing her bare feet on the cold floor. Heaving herself up, she wandered into the bathroom.

Squinting in the harsh light, she pulled off her robes and undressed. She turned on the water in one of the showers and, shivering, stepped under the steaming spray. For several minutes, she stood motionless, letting the hot water calm her trembling body.

Before she could stop them, scenes of the morning before flashed through her mind and she winced involuntarily.

She was so tired of feeling this pain. It made her even angrier with herself. Why was she letting him do this to her? That's what he wants...The only thing she should be feeling is fury; that's what he deserves.

...If only she could stop feeling as though she were being shredded ceaselessly apart with a knife. She wanted her anger to block it out but it only seemed to be strengthening the force of each searing slice.

Lily ran her fingers through her sopping hair and they caught on several knots. As she did so, the image of James happily rubbing her hair to his cheek blinked fleetingly before her eyes. The merciless knife seemed to jab harder. Lily inhaled sharply but the air seemed to be fighting against her lungs.

She was a fool. She should never have allowed herself to be coaxed into caring about him. Since when was she influenced so easily? For all she knew, he could have led her straight into danger and wouldn't have thought twice about it. In fact, he would have laughed...as he had done in her face when she was so obviously hurting for him.

She should have left him there. She should have left him while he drank himself helpless, fled to the castle while he fended for himself.

But even as Lily tried vainly to draw comfort from the vengeful thought, she knew she would never have been able to carry out the deed. The knowledge made her furious.

So I care about that stupid git? she thought, viciously slathering soap across her face. He would just laugh if he knew.

But he'll never find out. No one can. I simply have to go about like normal and ignore him like I used to.

Pain shot through her again, so sharply that Lily gasped. She was suddenly doubtful she possessed the strength to go back to having nothing to do with James. The prospect seemed so colorless and miserable, like an endless tunnel. How could she push through each day without talking and laughing with James, exchanging a secret grin or berating him about studying?

Lily shook herself, disgusted. What was she thinking? It wasn't impossible. She was not weak and helpless enough to need a boy in order to go on. She was better, stronger than that.

She could manage, and surely, it would get easier as time went on.

But would she ever feel that rousing thrill dash through each cell in her body? Would she ever laugh until her sides ached? Would she ever get so infuriated?

Would life ever feel as brilliant as it did whenever she was with James?

Lily shut the water off and wrung out her hair.

Somehow, she doubted it.

The beginnings of despair were falling over her like a heavy, dull grey curtain. She wrapped herself in a towel and returned to her dormitory with her clothes slung over her arm. In the dark, Lily pulled on some cozy flannel pajamas and crept back into her bedclothes.

She sunk into her pillow and locked her eyelids shut. She wanted badly to sleep but all she could do was slink fitfully in and out of dozes during the remaining hours of night.

When the buttery sunlight came creeping into the still room, tickling the deep red hangings of the four-posters and fighting away the shadows, Lily rose resolutely. She would begin her new resolution immediately. Today she would study hard, talk with her friends, read on the edge of the lake, just like any other day...only void of James.

As she bent over her trunk, Lily suddenly became aware of how queasy with hunger she felt. She realized with a start that a whole day had passed and she hadn't eaten anything.

Lily began ruffling through her trunk as loudly as possible. Soon Di's eyes were flickering open.

"Want to go down to breakfast with me?" asked Lily brightly.

Di appeared confused. "Breakfast?" she repeated. "Isn't it a bit early?"

"A bit early, yes, but I'm starving," replied Lily as she untangled a sweater from the jumble of clothes swimming in her trunk.

Di frowned and sat up. Her curly fringe was standing on end. "Alright. I'll come."

They dressed and descended into the common room. On their way through the portrait hole, Lily couldn't stop herself from taking a quick glance around the room. The only other students up were three first-years trading Chocolate Frog cards on the rug and a dedicated seventh-year squeezing in some early morning studying. James was still sleeping, like the rest of the tower.

Just as well, thought Lily with a small sigh as she hopped out of the portrait hole with Di.

* * *

"What are you doing?"

Lily looked over the stack of books in her arms at Summer who was staring at her as though she had grown three heads. Lily promptly returned the look.

"Going to the library, what d'you think?" she said before continuing to throw spellbooks and notes into her bag. She had, after all, spent the last three days buried there.

"Aren't you coming to Hogsmeade?" asked Summer, propping her head up on her hand.

Lily stopped instantly. Hogsmeade. The trip had disappeared entirely from her mind ever since James had brought her there.

"Hogsmeade?" Just the thought filled her with dread. "No...I really don't think so. I better just stay here and study."

"Ugh, Lily!" admonished Tara, repulsed. "Study? Come off it! You're coming with us we're going to have loads of fun."

"Yeah, come one, Lil. We don't want to go without you," said Di. "We'll have the rest of the holiday to concentrate on our O.W.L.s."

"You need a break. You're cracking up, Lil," added Summer.

"I'm not cracking up and I'm not going," retorted Lily firmly, shaking her head dismissively.

Her friends began to protest again but she ignored them. She didn't want to go to Hogsmeade ever again.

Lily left them there, looking put out, and went along the familiar path to the library. She passed many students already on their way out to the little village, decked out in raingear for the grounds were being drowned in April showers.

Lily chose a seat in the deserted library and arranged her books and notes on the table in front of her. She immersed herself in Herbology diagrams, Potions recipes, and spell incantations, turning all her focus on her work.

"Good morning," said a deep, mockingly smooth voice.

Lily jumped, nearly falling out of her chair. Sirius moved from where he had been standing behind her and flung himself into a seat on the opposite side of the table. He grinned widely at her startled reaction.

"What are you doing here?" asked Lily, trying to collect herself.

"What, you don't think I would skip a Hogsmeade trip to get some extra studying?" returned Sirius.

Lily threw him a scornful look but at the same time, became aware of a lovely warm sensation in her stomach. When she had made up her mind to extract James from her life, she had not taken Sirius into consideration. She was shocked at how much she had missed him. But if you choose not to associate with one, you automatically lose the other: That was just how it was with James and Sirius.

Sirius snatched the page of notes on counterjinxes Lily was holding and scowled down at it. "What are you doing?"

"I'm studying. Ever heard of it?" snapped Lily, attempting to seize her notes but he carefully held them just out of her reach.

"Somehow I find it hard to believe that even you--role model student, Lily Evans--would prefer hiding her nose in spellbooks over a trip to Hogsmeade," remarked Sirius.

"Believe it," Lily said flatly, impatiently tapping the end of her quill on the table. "Sirius, do you need something?"

Sirius contemplated thoughtfully. "I need you to promise me something, Evans."

"Yeah?"

"Promise me that you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you."

Lily stared at him, mystified by his uncharacteristic solemnity. "Okay..."

"Right then." Sirius put down the page of notes and rubbed his hands together. "There is a reason for James's little...er...rendezvous with you last Friday. You know the one?"

Lily stiffened. "Yes," she said tartly, trying to keep her tone passive. "And the reason is...?"

"The reason, Ev, is that James's dad is missing," said Sirius quietly, with a dark look. "A few days before he took you to the Hog's Head, James got a letter from his mum. She had been shopping and came home to find the house ransacked and Mr. Potter gone. Death Eaters. The Ministry is investigating and apparently they've been doing everything they can but they've told the Potters that there is little chance he is alive. He was a big powerful Auror and everything so they would have wanted him out of the way."

Sirius turned his head to the window with an odd twitch of his neck. "I know you've done it a million times, but you've got to cut him a break, Evans."

There was a long silence. Finally, Sirius looked to Lily expectantly, waiting for her response.

"Evans?"

She had frozen.

This was the explanation. She had not imagined that look James's eyes. It had not come from nowhere...It was because of his father.

Lily clutched the edge of the table. "Oh, James..." she murmured. There was every possibility he would never see his father again and their parting words were in the midst of a row.

The pain for James that had crept up on her before she even knew the cause smashed into her again with full, excruciating force.

"Evans? You all right?" asked Sirius from somewhere in the distance. "Your face is really white."

Guilt was mingling with the pain now. How could she be abandoning James at such a time?

Lily jumped to her feet. "I have to go see him. Where is he?" she demanded urgently.

"He went to Hogsmeade," said Sirius, standing up as well. "But Evans, remember your promise..."

"Yeah, I have to go."

Lily ran from the library and started down the corridor, oblivious to Sirius following. She was solely concentrated on getting to James.

Suddenly, something crossed her mind. If James had behaved cruel and thoughtless that night, it had had nothing to do with her!

Something like hope began forming inside her.

He hadn't meant to hurt her! He was consumed with grief and probably unaware of his own actions. And that meant...

The hopeful feeling burned fiercely, glowing like a candle and melting her icy insides.

That meant her might still care for her.

"Evans, wait up!" called Sirius but she could no longer control her legs. They flew out of the castle doors and carried her down to the gates, churning through the grass as raindrops lashed at her face. Sirius chased her down the lane until they reached the main road of Hogsmeade.

"Where d'you think he'd be?" Lily asked impatiently.

"Er...Let's try the Three Broomsticks," suggested Sirius breathlessly after taking a glance around.

He led her inside the crowded pub, stepping in out of the pouring rain.

Lily's eyes swept anxiously over the many heads gathered inside and to each table encircled by students. When she turned to scan the far corner of the pub, she saw something that knocked the wind out of her. The floor beneath her seemed to vanish, creating a horrible falling sensation that her feel extremely nauseous.

James was sitting at a tiny table in the corner and entangled in his arms, practically on his lap, was Mina St. Clair.

She was too late.

Sirius trailed her gaze and made a small noise of repugnance.

"Well, come on," he said, taking a step toward James and Mina.

"No," croaked Lily.

"What?"

"We can't...He's--he's busy," Lily managed to say.

"Oh, no. We are going over there, Evans," said Sirius emphatically. "After all that, you cannot walk out now."

"I can't," mumbled Lily hoarsely, still staring at James and Mina kissing. "I can't do it."

Sirius glared at her angrily. "Too bad, you have to. I don't care how frightened you are. You think he'll give that girl one more thought when he sees you? This is it, Ev. You're going this."

Lily looked up at him. He met her gaze stonily. She set her jaw and nodded.

They wound their way through the crowd until they were standing at James and Mina's table. The two were so absorbed in what they were doing they took no notice of their arrival.

"Prongs! Mate! How are you doing?" bellowed Sirius cheerfully.

James jumped and ripped his head away from Mina's. He stared, stunned, from his best friend to Lily. He didn't seem to understand what he was seeing. Mina turned, saw Lily and Sirius, and seemed to struggle to fix a politely surprised expression over her look of dismay.

"Hello, Mina," said Sirius, his tone growing considerably colder before looking back at James. "Look who I've brought!" He put an arm around Lily and dragged her closer to the table. She had been lurking a few feet behind him.

"How nice to see you, Lily!" gushed Mina. Her arms remained possessively around James though his hands had flown to rest on the table.

"Hi, Mina." Lily tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace.

"Thought we'd join you kids," said Sirius genially. "Hope you don't mind."

However, he didn't wait to see whether they minded or not. He swiftly pulled up two chairs, squished them around the minuscule table and threw himself into one.

Lily perched herself awkwardly on the edge of the chair, keeping her eyes averted from James. She was becoming sharply conscious of the fact that she hadn't combed her hair that day before going to the library. It fell matted and dripping to her shoulders, whereas Mina's was silky and bright blonde. She also realized, with a pang of self-loathing, that she hadn't bothered to change out of her sweatpants before running recklessly to the village while Mina was dressed neatly in an elegant skirt and blouse.

Lily spent a mortifying moment of wanting nothing more than to seep, unseen, into the floor. Then she was struck by an untamed carelessness that pushed her over the edge, beyond minding what Mina, Sirius, or even James thought of her. She sat up, shoving her elbows on the table.

"Well, interesting weather we're having," observed Sirius, breaking a long, painful silence.

Mina stared at him as though he had sprouted antlers. "Interesting? I don't like it at all. It's so gloomy."

"I like the rain," said Lily loudly, staring directly at Mina.

"How about you, Jamesie?" asked Mina, suddenly sounding like an overindulgent grandmother.

"What? Me?" he said, distracted.

"Yes. Do you like all this icky rain?" Mina contorted her face dramatically.

Lily finally turned to look at James. Instantly, she was overcome with a terrible longing to hold him.

"The icky--?" faltered James thickly. "Yeah...yeah, I like the rain."

Lily could not stop the large, satisfied smile from blooming across her face. Mina appeared to be trying hard to conceal her gaping horror. She began to giggle shrilly as though James had told an ingeniously witty joke.

Sirius was grinning hugely.

"Oh, Jamesie! My pumpkin juice is all gone!" she cried. "Get me another one? Pretty please? I'll let you have a sip."

"Uh, yeah, sure," said James gruffly. He stood up so quickly he nearly tripped over his chair. He straightened and managed a rather sheepish grin at nothing in particular. "Lily. Would you like anything?" He was staring down at his pockets as he rummaged through them for money.

"Oh, I'm sure Sirius wants to pay for--" began Mina smilingly.

"Thank you, James. I'll have a big mug of hot cocoa," said Lily composedly, talking over Mina.

"Right. Don't mention it," mumbled James as he stumbled toward the bar.

"Oy! I'll get a butterbeer!" called Sirius. He looked like he had been so entertained.

James waved his hand and disappeared into the horde of people.

Mina watched him go before turning back to Lily, smiling with an unmistakable sneer in her eyes. "Isn't he a darling?"

"Positively charming," replied Lily, her own smile as genuine as the diamonds glued to Mina's extravagant hairclip.

"We simply fell for each other on the spot," explained Mina, tossing her hand around as she spoke. "Some might think it's all about the snogging but we have a connection on a deeper level. He doesn't say much but he doesn't have to; I always know exactly what he's thinking."

You know about as much of James's thoughts as that dying cactus over there, thought Lily.

"I'm sure," she said aloud, the painful smile still smeared on her lips.

"So it's moving pretty fast with you two, eh?" said Sirius sardonically, balancing his chair on its back legs.

"Oh, yes. It's very serious," said Mina, nodding vigorously.

"After one day?" asked Lily wryly.

Mina colored slightly. "But we're so perfect for each other, it feels like years."

Lily nodded as James returned with the drinks. He set them down on the table and took his seat.

"Oh, thank you, Jamesie!" exclaimed Mina. "How sweet of you!" She leaned close to his unsuspecting cheek and dropped a heavy kiss on it, sneaking a jeering look at Lily as she did so.

James jerked away compulsively. "Huh? Oh...no problem."

Though he was avoiding her eyes, Lily didn't miss the hopelessly miserable look on his face as he glanced uncomfortably around the pub. She wished she could toss the table separating them off to the side and pull him into her arms. Her heart gave a desperate throb.

"Would you like a sip, Jamesie?" asked Mina coyly. She dangled her goblet in front of his nose. He looked down at it as though it were poison.

"Er...No, thanks. You can have it," he said, twitching away and turning his attention to a scratch on the table. "I'm not thirsty."

"You know you want to...go on..." pressed Mina in a giddy voice, pushing the goblet back under his nose.

"No...no...I'm really not thirsty." James sat back and waved his hand but accidentally hit the goblet and knocked it from Mina's grip. It tumbled into her lab, drenching her prim skirt in orange liquid.

She shrieked and leapt up, bouncing up and down hysterically.

"Oh! Uh, sorry..."said James, wincing and standing up. He looked around the room, as though frantic to find an escape from this nightmare.

He snatched up some napkins and cautiously tried to mop up Mina's ruined skirt as she hopped around, still squealing. Lily's face grew sore from trying to hold it straight but Sirius, on the other hand, threw his head back and laughed heartily.

Lily didn't trust herself to speak.

"Oh, gosh darn it!" burst Sirius theatrically as he jumped up suddenly, looking down at his watch. "James...we're ten minutes late for McGonagall's detention! Sorry, Mina, but as fun as this is, we have to run."

"But what about my skirt?" moaned Mina. "Jamesie! Don't go!"

"There's a simple spell to get that out," said Sirius, untroubled. "I can't remember it now, though. Bad luck. Come on, Evans. You're the one who gave us the bloody detention so you better come too..."

"Goodbye, Mina," said Lily sweetly. "Sorry about your skirt."

She turned and followed James and Sirius, who were already speeding away, out the door.

As soon as Lily felt the rain on her face again, she allowed herself to break into a fit of laughter. "That was harsh, Sirius, but brilliant!" she gasped.

No one answered. She looked around, but only James was in sight, standing with his head bent against the rainfall and watching her warily.

"Where...where'd he go?"

"No idea. He ran off," shrugged James.

Lily sobered. "Well. Then. What do you want to do?"

"I dunno..." he said, looking surprised. "Whatever you want is fine."

Lily squinted through the streaks of water up at him. His shoulders were hunched and shadows fell below his eyes. In them, she saw that haunting fear she had detected the last time they were in Hogsmeade. She ached to hug him, let him fall into her and throw some of his burden onto her.

"Want to go back to the castle?" she suggested.

James looked visibly relieved. "Yeah..."

They began walking up the lane toward Hogwarts, side by side, dodging puddles as the rain splashed down upon them. James's arms swung loosely at his sides and Lily longed to take his hand. She was eyeing them move back and forth like a pendulum and was about to slip her fingers though his when he spoke.

"So...you're back to looking at me?" He grinned anxiously and Lily's face grew hot.

"If that's all right. Sorry about kicking you."

"Nah...you can kick me anytime you want. Just don't stop looking at me...or talking to me," said James, glancing at her sideways.

"I won't," assured Lily earnestly, turning to look at his profile. Droplets of water slid from the tips of his hair, rushed down the curve of his nose and dripped from the edge of his chin onto his chest. "James."

"I'll hold you to that." James pushed his hands into his pockets, seeming to relax.

Lily watched his hands disappear sadly. She wished he would wrap his arm around her like usual but it seemed he was finally letting her assert any physical contact.

They strolled on, moving up through the gates of the castle grounds as they listened to the gentle patter of rain slap the silence.

"James..." said Lily after a few moments. "The night in the Hog's Head...Do you remember what you told me?"

"Yeah...about my dad?" proffered James calmly, as they approached the stormy grey lake. "How we're always going at it?"

"Well, yeah." Lily stopped on the bank and studied him, her heart swelling as he stared out at the raging water. "Just...just don't ever give up, James," she said softly. "It may not be too late to talk to him."

James glimpsed at Lily. Their eyes locked for a fleeting second.

He understood.

"And, James...There are so many things about you for him to be proud of. You're amazing...and I don't just mean at Quidditch and everything." Words were flowing out of Lily without consideration, emerging from somewhere deeper than her brain. "You always know how to make people laugh. You're so free, you never hold yourself back. And you're honest...extremely persistent, as I can attest to, and you'll do anything for your friends. I know he's proud of you." Lily stared up him, determined to make her point clear. "Because I am," she whispered.

As James peered through the stripes of rain slashing the air, he smiled. "I never would have guessed," he said, "with my big head and all."

He was facing her, water falling from his soaked, wild hair. His eyes were on her and even though she was wearing sweatpants and her hair was a straggly mess, he saw her and the fear evaporated. She knew he was happy just to be talking to her, smiling at her with his one-dimpled grin.

Lily smiled back and, without another thought, she did the only thing that felt natural. Lifting herself onto the tips of her toes, she kissed that lopsided grin.