I Loved You More

Chapter #27

Shattered Perfection

Life was rushing on by them.

People were hastening around to millions of different destinations in millions of different directions. They were young and eager, old and weary, full of energy or drained of spirit. Words were being spoken, shouted, whispered. They were laughing, nodding, waving, shaking hands, blowing kisses. Each had their own purposes, their own thoughts and hopes. Their days were progressing slowly, dizzyingly fast, falling apart and moving smoothly into line. Children were running and singing. Lovers were sharing smiles and caresses.

Birds were settled into their nests under sheltering trees, their musical throats relaxing, while the rain soaked the thirsty roots of the grass and mobs of umbrellas hurried by. Clouds were swirling in a bright grey mass, hovering over the earth like giant sponges being wrung. Stars were blazing in the endless black sea. The planets continued to tick around the fiery sun, as they had for eons.

It all went on the same, none of it knowing or caring that Lily Evans and James Potter were sharing their first kiss beside the great simmering Hogwarts lake. They were insignificant, despite what they thought, simply participating in an ordinary, age-old activity that had been experienced better and more spectacularly before them.

Yet everything in Lily felt that they were detached from all of it. It was swirling around them, unfazed, moving onward through time but Lily and James were not part of it. Their universe was the slick grassy lakeside under the beech tree, and their sun was the long-awaited unity. Everything that mattered circled around its blazing energy, every effort thrown solely into their connection.

Lily's anger, pain, and fear was spinning through every touch and evolving into passionate joy. The strength of all the feeling fueled each second, each sensation.

And in their infantile universe, the beauty and power of the kiss was unprecedented. Nothing close to it had ever existed, like a newborn invention. It shattered perfection, rang with emotion and overshadowed anything that had come before. It would be recorded in their own brilliant labyrinth of stars, to be remembered and celebrated for all time.

When they pulled away, Lily and James fell back into the flow of worldly time once again, becoming two insignificant teenagers snogging in the rain like everyday lovesick fools, thoughtlessly risking pneumonia. They landed quietly and unnoticed, as though nothing extraordinary had just occurred--when indeed something had.

Lily gazed up at James. Her arms had somehow glided over his shoulders to clasp around his neck and his were encircled tightly around her waist.

They both smiled.

"Wow," whispered Lily softly. Meanwhile her mind screamed, 'Why the hell hadn't they tried that before?!'

They leaned in close again and instantly, they were off once more, soaring into their own blissful galaxy. The world went on without them....But they were oblivious to the world.

* * *

The rain had ceased, though not until after it had succeeded in soaking them straight through to the bone. The sun had emerged and the monotonous layers of grey had dispersed into plump white puffs. The tips of the grass were studded with sparkling raindrops. Everything was clean, green, refreshed.

After undergoing a drying spell, James and Lily stretched out on the sodden grounds at the edge of the lake. The sun was beating down and blasting off the surface of the water in golden flecks, making it warmest day of the year.

"So...how did I change your mind?" asked James, pushing himself up and leaning on his palms. He looked at her, his soft hair shivering in the breeze and arcing over his eyes.

"Change my mind?" Lily smiled contentedly from where she was lying on her back.

James raised his eyebrows in a you-know-what-I-mean look.

"You didn't change my mind," said Lily. "Not really. I changed it myself."

"Why?"

Lily hesitated, turning up to the clouds sailing lazily through the blue sky.

"It wasn't a certain thing you did. It was what you do. The whole combination. And gradually I realized you didn't annoy me half as much as I pretended you did. And now I've given up pretending."

A grin flashed across James's face. "How sweet. You know, you're not so annoying yourself."

Lily laughed and rolled over. She lifted James's hand out of the grass and entwined it with her own, just so she could touch him. He fell onto his side, facing her. Leaning in closer, he kissed her softly. Bubbling streams of thrills vibrated through Lily's body.

They were silent for a moment. Lily listened to each soft breath filling and leaving James's body, thinking idly. She had this purely content sensation that for once, she was in a place meant exclusively for her.

James pulled her close to him and she nestled her head in his neck, sighing. She took in the warmth of his skin, the faint scent of his shampoo mingled with the lingering smell of rain. Lily closed her eyes, feeling nothing but peaceful rapture and setting her thoughts free to dance along the ripples of the lake.

She opened them when she felt James's body quaking and his chuckles smothered in her hair.

"What are you laughing at?" demanded Lily, lifting her head to look at him.

"I don't know," he said, trying to control his face but he continued to snigger.

"What?"

Lily gave him a sharp poke in the stomach.

"Ouch--Evans!" protested James.

"Tell me!"

James smiled and she knew he had given in. "Well...it's just funny. You with me. Lily Evans. It's so surreal..." mumbled James, shifting slightly. There was a momentary pause and he peered straight down at Lily, regarding her closely. "I mean, is this really you? Are you drunk? Am I? How is this happening to me all of a sudden?"

Lily held his gaze. "We're not drunk...unless Sirius spiked our drinks or something. And there's one thing I know for sure; this is me. I've finally figured it out. I'm Lily Evans, just a wiser, more sure of her self Lily Evans--but perfectly sober," explained Lily. "So you better believe this."

James studied her gravely. "You know, you do look a bit like her. Sure-of-herself Lily is definitely prettier, though."

Lily let her head fall back on his shoulder and grinned. "Glad to hear it...but..."

"But?"

She peeked up at him slyly. "But I wouldn't want to come between you and Mina."

"Oh, Sure-of-Herself Lily is nasty," chortled James as he squeezed her to his side.

"According to her it was true love," Lily giggled.

"Well, she also thinks Russia is the capital of Antarctica," said James with a wry smirk.

"It looked like you were having fun before Sirius and I barged in."

"Looks are deceiving."

Lily paused.

"Fooled me," she said quietly, sitting up.

"I was not having fun," James said shortly, his tone sharp.

"Then you were making quite a show of it," continues Lily, pawing at the grass as she tried to remain causal. "You're a really good actor, you know--"

"Evans, stop. Just stop. Don't even try to make a case of this. You know perfectly well I was only with her because I couldn't be with you. And I thought I had finally ruined all my chances." James sat up and turned toward her, his blazing eyes boring deep into hers in his fervency. He spoke tartly and impatiently, as though he had explained this to her many times before. It was just bare fact. "No matter what I do, Evans, you're still on my mind. Through everything...whether you're sure of yourself, or confused, or snogging Slytherins, or screaming at me....You're one thing I can't move on from."

James was nearly panting he had been speaking so harshly and he glared at Lily defiantly.

"James," said Lily gently.

"And you know what? I don't want to move on. Especially now. Don't you get it, Evans?!"

"James," repeated Lily, raising her voice over his.

Lily slung her arms around his neck and kissed him, slowly and deeply. When she pulled away, she smiled into his face.

"I get it."

Slowly, a broad grin broke across James's lips. With a calming exhale of breath, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead. "You better. 'Cause I'll never stop annoying you."

* * *

The many strands of Lily's life were weaving together, intermingling to form a beautiful blanket spread over a bed of time. Days passed in fits of laughter, idle chats, lakeside rambles, attempts at rigid studying, and glorious evenings in a hazy twilit sky. Ordinary simplicities became breathtaking pleasures and each moment bubbled with tiny, treasured thrills. It was all alluringly new and fresh and yet comfortingly familiar.

It was odd to feel so different while behaving the same and following the same daily routine. Lily always had a smile sparkling just beneath the surface. She forgot how to walk but skipped or flew instead. Her happiness shimmered softly within her very skin. It was gentle and pure but could flame up to a spectacular height and verve.

No one noticed its change in her, but they felt its strength. She was no different, she was not fuller, or wiser, or more beautiful. She was merely Lily, as she was meant to be, only now, she was perfectly satisfied with it.

And she had James.

James was forever grinning. His dimple was a permanent fixture on his face. He could put his arm around Lily without having to pray she wouldn't push him away. He could hold her hand, touch her, kiss her, and make her laugh to his leaping heart's content.

Or at least whenever he got the chance. O.W.L.s were upon them and almost every spare minute was dedicated to studying.

James had grown up in many ways. He did not flaunt the fact that Lily had finally given in--except to Lily herself. They were quiet and private about their relationship. Hardly anyone noticed the escalation it had recently taken besides their friends. If anyone did any flaunting, it was Sirius, who proudly took all credit for the couple.

"I knew it'd happen eventually, but even I was getting doubtful there. I'm sorry, Prongs, but at the rate you were going, it would have taken several lifetimes. Good thing I interfered, eh? No dillydallying for me. You two owe a lot to old Padfoot."

Lily and James spent most of their time out on the grounds where spring was blossoming to her greatest potential. It was serenely beautiful and full of vivacity and glowing color. Outside among the flowers sprouting on the fringes of the forest or along the azure lake, they rambled aimlessly, studied, lounged on the grass talking deeply and soulfully or lightly and sporadically. Being Lily and James, they argued often, only now it usually resulted in kissing and snuggling instead of straining their ears and voices in a fierce shouting match.

They were smitten, carefree, and on top of the world.

"What did you get for number thirty-one?"

"I dunno. Whatever you got," replied James.

"And that's going to help you a lot when you're taking the exam. Come on, focus, James," admonished Lily, looking at him sternly.

He was slouched in his chair, his head leaning heavily on his hand, staring blankly at the books in front of him.

"I am focusing." He paused as his mouth opened in a wide yawn. "...On staying awake. That's taking up all my concentration."

"We're almost there. Soon this'll be all over. But for now, we have to study."

"But this is so boring. We're been at it for ages," pleaded James. He let his head fall against her shoulder. "Let's just call it a night."

"In a little bit. We can get through these problems. What's the answer to thirty-one?"

James emitted a long sigh. He picked up his notebook and slid down in his seat so that his head was in Lily's lap and his legs were stretched across the row of chairs at their table. He held up the notebook in front of his face.

"The Summoning Charm."

"Correct," said Lily cheerfully.

She continued going through each problem, absently brushing her fingers through James's hair as he read off the answers. The library was still and peaceful as fifth and seventh years eased in the wooden chairs, diligently looking through stacks of notes to prepare for exams the following week.

When they finished, James hopped up, his energy suddenly restored, and put away their books. They strolled out of the library, happy in knowing they wouldn't have to look at another spell definition until the next day.

"So...what do you want to do tonight?" asked Lily, slipping her fingers between James's, as they made their way down the corridor lit with golden evening sunshine. "Play Gobstones, chess, go for a walk...snog?"

James grinned down at her. He caught her around the waist and nestled a kiss at her temple.

"I'd love to, Lil, but it's a full moon," he said. "We're going to Hogsmeade."

"Oh."

Their footsteps on the stone echoed in the silence. James bent close to Lily's ear.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing," replied Lily, shrugging him away.

"Lily..."

"Nothing."

"Come on, you can bear one night away from me, can't you?" said James, a grin evident behind his glasses.

Lily gave him an exasperated little smile.

They walked on hand-in-hand until they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. James had given the password and the portrait had swung open when Lily spoke up.

"James?"

"Yeah, Lil?" James was tossing his bag in the hole as he prepared to climb through.

"What if something happened?"

"Er...Lot's of things will happen, Lily," said James, turning to frown at her.

"No." Lily stared up at him with wide eyes. "Like an accident. Tonight with Remus," she explained. "What if...what if you got hurt?"

"Nothing's going to happen. You know werewolf bites can't affect me when I'm transformed." He furrowed his brow and rubbed the back of his neck, confused by her concern.

"What if you got caught and were arrested? Or Remus got out of control? You're taking so many risks with all this...."

James took her hands in his big warm grasp. "Come on, we're the Marauders. We've done this a thousand times. We're experts. Nothing's different this time."

But Lily couldn't shake the ill feeling thriving in her stomach. Something was different. This time, she would be sitting in the Gryffindor Tower all night, knowing he was out there, worrying and waiting.

She was dreading the time when he would have to leave her sight.

"Let's go. We can get in a game of Gobstones before we leave," said James, stepping back to let her crawl into the hole.

Lily appreciated his nonchalance. It made up for what she was not feeling. Lily knew he was aware of that by the way he placed a reassuring hand on the small of her back as she went to lift herself into the passage.

This was a new element of their relationship that had begun to evolve between Lily and James since that rainy day by the lake: The subtle way they could communicate by touching--a soft stroke on the hand, a squeeze of the shoulder, the slight nudge of their knees, a brush of their foreheads--allowed them to share their feelings better than any spoken words.

In the common room, Sirius and Peter were at a table by the window, their heads together in a huddle. It was immediately obvious what they were so furtively discussing.

Lily and James wandered over to the two boys. As though sensing the approach of his best friend, Sirius's head popped up.

"It's about bloody time, mate! Blimey, Ev, you're killing him. He studies more than Moony now," he said grudgingly. "We've got some things to go over with you, Prongs."

James turned to Lily, his expression asking what she wanted to do.

This was another thing that had very gradually grown into James; consideration. He no longer thought in terms of his own desires and comfort. Lily couldn't help but smile at his new thoughtfulness. It made her want to be with him even more. But she knew what he really wanted to do, despite how eager he was to please her.

"Go on," she said. "I'll be over there with the girls."

"Listen to your lover girl, mate. Get your arse down here," Sirius demanded, slapping the next to him.

"I thought you want to play Gobstones or something..." countered James, tipping his head down and turning his eyes up to peer at her, making Lily's heart swell.

He still didn't realize how easily he could flood her with adoration just by looking at her in a certain way.

"I'll manage," declared Lily dryly, putting her fingertips to his shoulder and giving him a little push toward his friends.

She grinned and walked to the fireplace to join Summer, Tara, and Di. An hour slipped by in what felt like no more than a few minutes. That sat and talked as the soft pale sky fell behind a thick, sparkling black veil.

The boys were up, having finished their preparations, Sirius and Peter extending their arms over their heads in exaggerated stretches. James was making his way casually toward Lily.

As she watched him approach, she was hit with abrupt realization. She finally knew what had changed in him since his dad had vanished. It was not his eyes: They would always be young and exploding with vivacity. No, it was the way he moved, the way he carried himself. His confidence was no longer advertised with each step he took. There was less swaggering, less precision to it. James had lost the perfected way he made all eyes shift onto him whenever he walked. Now he walked simply to get from one place to another.

He seemed years older. Lily had always wanted him to mature more, but now that he had, she found herself mourning that naïve, audacious certainty he'd had that nothing could go wrong for him.

"Good evening, ladies," he said, slathering the old slickness over his voice. His strut may be gone, but he was still James.

He reached over Summer and took Lily's hand to pull her out of the depths of the armchair.

"Hey, you can't just take her away whenever you want," protested Tara indignantly. "You can say goodnight to her in front of us. We'll just cover up Di's eyes while you do the dirty stuff."

"As tempting as that sounds..." grinned James.

"Isn't it a bit early for your bedtime?" asked Summer, glancing at the clock. "It's not even eight yet."

"I didn't get much sleep last night," explained James without hesitance. "G'night."

"Sweet dreams," called Tara, as James led Lily away.

They went to the boys' dormitory staircase and sat down on the bottom steps. Lily didn't let go of James's hand. A moment passed in which they sat quietly, staring out at the buzzing common room.

"Are you still worried?"

"No, not really," replied Lily. She shifted, tucking her foot behind her ankle. "Well, yeah, I am. I mean, I know you'll be fine but I just can't help being a little scared." She sighed, wondering how to explain. "I guess before I never took much notice of the full moon. I didn't know when you were going out so I didn't think to worry. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose."

James wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close to him. She loved when he did this. Feeling his arm suddenly about her and anticipating the easy tug that removed the space between them. How nicely she fit right up against his side, how their heads gently fell against each other. She could breathe in his smell, feel his warmth combine with hers. It was like taking a deep breath or feeling a cool breeze on her face: It calmed her, starting from deep inside and spreading out to the surface of her skin.

Could he feel that too?

"Just pretend to be ignorant, then. Pretend you don't know what we're doing," suggested James. "Then you won't get in trouble if we get caught."

Lily could hear the grin in his voice. She looked up at him.

"Okay. I'll try." 'As if she could really stop thinking about him,' she silently scoffed. "Have fun, then."

"All right. See you in the morning," he said, meeting her lips with a slow, soothing kiss.

He stood up and as he stepped away from Lily, the uneasy feelings returned to churn up her stomach.

"Be careful, James," said Lily quietly before he disappeared up the stairs with a departing wink.

Lily rejoined her friends in the middle of the common room. A few minutes later, while the rest of the Gryffindors continued to chatter away, she noticed the muffled sound of footsteps crossing the room, though there was no body there to match them.

At least none that was visible.

She followed the noise as it slowly trailed further away toward the portrait hole until it died away.

The Marauders were heading out for their moonlit adventure.