I Loved You More

Chapter #25

The Only "He"

"I'm tired, Potter. Let's go back," said Lily tersely.

Her patience had been worn to fragments since James's abrupt change in attitude. He was now laughing jovially with three riotous warlocks who had entered loudly a half hour before. James had beckoned them over to their table like an old friend and bought a round of drinks. And he was not ordering butterbeer.

Lily was in no mood to warm up to strangers; opposite, clearly, to what James was feeling. He was generously treating them all to more and more drinks so she sat with her arms folded and her lips pursed while James chatted away amiably.

"Potter! I am ready to go!" she barked through clenched teeth. "Now."

James smiled and tucked her under his arm. "Relax, love! Just let me finish my drink with the fellows here! We'll go in a bit!" he exclaimed loudly.

Lily noticed that with each sip, he grew progressively noisier.

"No, Potter!" snapped Lily firmly. She whipped out her wand and pointed it at him mug. "Evanesco. There! You're done and now," she took hold of his arm and tugged him out of the booth, "we are leaving! That's right. Move!" Lily commanded, giving James a hearty push toward the door. "Pleasant meeting you," she added shortly to the laughing warlocks.

Lily shoved James again and he staggered across the pub and out the door.

"'Lo! I'm Pames Jotter!" yelled James to a nearby streetlamp.

"Oh, you little twit!" Lily seized him as he bowed to it and pulled him along furiously. "I can't believe you! Bringing me here so you could get yourself drunk! You stupid, selfish, manipulative--"

"Lily!" cried James happily, as though he'd just spotted her. "Lily. Lily Lily Lily...La la la Lily!" He swung his arm around her, singing. "Oooh! Lily! Look at the stars!"

"Oh, yes, how splendid!" growled Lily, heaving him along. "Would you be quiet? You're going to wake up the whole village, you idiotic prat!"

James promptly dropped his voice to a grave whisper and said again, "Look at the stars."

Lily dragged him down the lane to the door of the sweetshop. "James, we're going into Honeydukes so shut up for awhile, will you? I'll pummel you if you don't."

Cautiously, Lily nudged the door open.

Ding dong!

The bell echoed through Lily's head. She yanked James's arm as she crept through the shop. They tiptoed through the basement door and started down the staircase. Halfway down, James's foot caught on a large crate. He fell against Lily and they both went crashing down, crate and all. They landed in a heap among the contents of the box, James giggling wildly.

Lily sat up gingerly, thrusting him off her and rubbing her bruises. "I'm going to kill you!" she hissed venomously.

"Shh! Be quiet, Lily!" sniggered James, making hushing noises.

Then, from somewhere a few floors above, there was a distinct thud and some heavy footsteps.

"Shit!" Lily jerked away from James and scrambled across the floor, frantically feeling the floorboards for the hidden trapdoor. "Come on...where is it?" she muttered urgently. "Aha!"

She squeezed her fingers into the crack and pulled up the board. Sliding into the hole, she hopped down into the passage. James's grinning face popped into view above, framed by the square hole in the ceiling.

"Hey, Lily! I found some Fizzing Whizzbees! You want some--"

Lily jumped up and snatched him by the robes, forcing headlong through the hole onto her. Hastily, she rushed to her feet as the footsteps became audible again, clearer than before. She grabbed the board and pulled it over her before collapsing onto James, her heart slamming against her ribcage.

After a moment of panting, she got up, hoisting James to his feet as well.

"How could you? Convincing me to follow you.... 'To celebrate, Evans!' 'Just trust me, Evans!'" she ranted lividly, more to herself than the boy leaning heavily on her shoulder. "That's the last time I fall for anything you tell me, James Potter! Come on!"

Finally, after much rough pushing and shoving on Lily's part, they reached the little chute at the end of the tunnel. It was another difficult struggle to get James, who seemed to want nothing more than to slide back down, up to the exit through the hump of the old stone witch.

They wandered through the darkened corridors, James bumbling along as Lily supported him, until at last, they reached the safety of the Gryffindor Tower.

Lily pulled James across the empty common room and threw him onto the couch by the fading fire. She hurled herself down next to him, groaning with exhaustion.

"That was fun, wasn't it, Lil?" asked James with a big smile and a content sigh.

"Oh, yeah...Chasing you out to Hogsmeade, watching you get yourself hammered, then hauling you back. Jolly good time."

"Yeah," agreed James, oblivious to her sarcasm. He shifted close to Lily and gently took a lock of her hair between his fingers. "So soft," he whispered. "I like it." He slowly rubbed it against his cheek.

Lily's thoughts drifted. James was rather cute...even if was only because he was drunk.

Suddenly, he dropped the curl and raised his hands to his own head. He began working feverishly to flatten his wild hair, though to no avail, of course. James's hair had a mind of its own.

"What do you think of my hair?" he asked.

Lily turned to him as he stared at her so earnestly, so hopefully....

She reached up and brushed her fingers through his hair. It flew straight back up again and she smiled softly. "I like it just fine."

A broad grin broke across James's face. He leaned his head closer. The smell of alcohol was heavy on his breath. Lily looked away just in time.

"Oh, no you don't. You certainly are drunk if you seriously thought I'd let you kiss me!"

James simply shrugged and yawned widely.

The moments passed in sleepy silence. James's head drooped against Lily's shoulder...his breathing was peaceful and steady....

She should go up to bed now, Lily's mind drawled lazily. But why? When she was so warm and comfortable right here....

Gently, her head fell to rest on top of James's.

* * *

There was suddenly a lot of noise; the scuffling of shoes, running of feet, chatter of voices. Her muscles were very stiff....

Lily's eyes snapped open, all drowsiness gone. The bright common room, shining with the morning sunlight, met her groggy eyes. Students were getting up, starting to go down to breakfast or relaxing in armchairs, stretching and yawning as they savored the first day of the Easter holiday. Some were peeking over at Lily with great interest, others with obvious amusement.

Blood rushed to her face.

She was curled up on the couch, her head tucked into James's side and his was lying on her lap. Lily sat bolt upright and hastily slapped James in the face.

"Ouch," he muttered.

His eyes slowly drifted open and he carefully lifted his head, blinking. He squinted around the common room, frowning, then looked down at Lily's lap with bewilderment. When his gaze gradually trailed up her body to rest on her face, his confusion was rapidly replaced by comprehending panic.

"Evans...."

"Get--off--me!" Lily jerked and threw him off the couch. He flipped over and smashed into the floor.

The Gryffindor early risers all stared openly at the commotion.

Lily sprang to her feet.

"Evans!" cried James pleadingly. With difficulty, he stood up, wobbling slightly and cringing in pain.

"You bastard!" shrieked Lily wrathfully.

"Evans, calm down..." said James gently in an attempt to soothe her.

"Calm down?" bellowed Lily incredulously. "You are unbelievable, Potter! UNBELIEVABLE!"

Her heart was pumping madly and she shook from head to toe.

James held up his hands tentatively as though trying to restrain the volume of her voice, his eyes darting to the group of onlookers who all appeared bemused but deeply intrigued.

"Let's talk about this somewhere else..."

Lily looked around at the students gaping at them with savage pleasure. "No, Potter, this is a perfect place to talk. You never seemed to mind if there was an audience to humiliate me in front of, so I think it's your turn now." She shoved her finger sharply into his chest.

James placed his hands gingerly on his shoulders. "Please, Lily--"

"WHY CAN'T I JUST LEARN ALREADY?!" Lily exploded and he jumped back, flinching. "This happens every time! Every single bloody time! I give you another chance to be friends and it blows up in my face! Why do I let you convince me you're suddenly a better person? You're just as bigheaded as I always thought! I am so STUPID!" she shouted. "This is IT! I've had it! You're done making a fool out of me, James Potter!"

"Lily, just listen!" His eyes were wide but he pressed on. "I wasn't myself. I--"

"Yeah, yeah. You weren't yourself, MY ASS!" she spat. "Stop trying to feed me more of your rubbish, Potter. I'm not taking it anymore! You knew exactly what you were doing."

"No, you don't understand! Just hear me out--" James persisted desperately.

"I understand completely at last!" Lily retorted. "You're just a big--a big--"

Her mind too clouded by anger, she was unable to find a satisfactory word. Instead, she let out a fuming growl and gave him a kick in the shin with all the strength she could muster. Then she turned and flew up the stairs of the girls' dormitory.

James buckled and winced but hobbled after her. "LILY!" He yelled, mounting the stairs. But as he tried to take another step, the staircase smoothed into a twisting slide. He was whipped off his feet, slamming hard into the stone face first. Then he slid down on his stomach, landing limply on the floor of the common room.

Still, amidst the laughter, James got to his feet and gazed up the winding slide. "LILY!" he called again.

He simply stood there for a moment, defeated. Then he whipped around, roaring, "Damn it!" and stormed up to his dormitory, leaving the riotous common room behind him.

* * *

Lily's feet fumbled to the door of her dormitory. She could hear voices behind it. The voices of Summer, Tara, and Di rising from a pleasant night's sleep, perhaps wondering idly about Lily's absence.

For a split second, Lily stared at the door in front of her, blood thudding in her ears and tears stinging in her eyes. Then she whirled around and sprinted the short distance to the bathroom. She could not cope with talking to anyone, not now.

Lily dashed inside and locked herself in a stall. She sat herself down on the toilet seat, heaving and gasping for breath. Her head fell into her palms and she dug her fingers into the roots of her hair.

Fleeting, wild thoughts were jamming her brain. She struggled to straighten them out but so many emotions were blazing intensely among them, lapping up any weak resolve to be rational. She was so angry...utterly furious. At James, at herself.

Yet there was something else stabbing piercingly at her. It was slicing her open, making the task of breathing nearly impossible.

Hot tears were falling rapidly over her burning, flushed, face.

Why was this so painful?

She gave in to a forceful sob.

Because it hurts to know he can hurt me like this. That he would hurt me like this.

The thought jumped to her mind as though it had been there for a very long time, brushed aside and buried under deliberate attempts to ignore it. Now that it had been uncovered, other things suddenly became clear.

When he confided in her about his father...she had hurt for him. For him. As though by doing so, she could stop his pain. As she had sat there with him, holding his hands in hers, she would have given anything to have the power to do that. And that feeling was huge, so unbearably large that Lily felt overwhelmed to the point of sickness.

She choked on another sob. The more clear things became, the more she ached.

Lily wanted to slap herself. She had sat there, with that enormous feeling, and he had laughed at her.

Tears drenched Lily's skin, dripping over her cheeks, into her mouth, down her neck, into her hair. They were flooding her profusely, never-ending.

He had laughed at her.

Lily's whole body shuddered with sobs. She felt so wrung out, exploited, used, humiliated and most of all, let down. And she had simply allowed it all to happen to her.

Why why why WHY?

Shaking, she gripped at her hair, squirming miserably, and buried her glistening face in her knees, curling up into herself as she cried and cried and cried....

* * *

"Maybe she got up early to go to the library," said Di, pulling a sweater over her heard.

"She's probably with James or something," shrugged Tara, unconcerned. She stepped into a pair of jeans and pulled them on.

"Probably," muttered Summer, whose head was still glued to her pillow.

"Well, anyway, I've got to use the loo," said Tara brightly. "Be right back."

Tara stepped out of the dormitory and leapt up to the bathroom. Humming happily to herself, she entered but stopped short when she heard the sound of someone crying.

It wasn't exactly unusual to find a girl bawling in the bathroom. Tara walked casually to the door of the occupied stall, full of curiosity. "Are you all right in there?"

An anxious silence greeted her.

"Hello?" said Tara.

She bent down to look below the door at the feet of the distressed girl and her head nearly collided with the floor when she recognized them.

Dumbfounded, she ducked her head underneath the door. The sight above that met her eyes tore her heart in two. There on the toilet seat, huddled and broken, was Lily.

In one swift, silent movement Tara had slid into the stall and collected her friend in her arms. Lily collapsed into them, taking violent gulps of air. Tara clung to her, stunned though she was. How could this crumpled, wretched thing be her strong, spirited Lily?

She stroked her hair while absently making soft hushing noises.

"Oh, sweetie! It's all right, it's all right!" cried Tara, distraught and disturbed. "Calm down...Take deep breaths."

Tara gently lifted Lily's head. Her face was red and drenched in anguish, her nose and eyes streaming. Lily fought to control her breathing, taking a deep, unsteady breath.

"That's it..." whispered Tara soothingly. "Breathe...it's okay."

She took the end of her sleeve and wiped Lily's face. Lily hiccupped loudly. Tara pushed the tangled red hair away from her eyes. They slipped down to the floor and leaned against the wall, Tara still holding Lily who rested her head wearily on her shoulder. Between hiccups, she took long, deep breaths.

After a moment, Tara asked, "Are you okay to talk?"

Jagged, determined words tumbled out of Lily's mouth. "He convinced me to--to got to Hogs--" she hiccupped again "--meade with him. I never would have gone but...but...he seemed like--like...he needed me."

Tara didn't need to ask who "he" was...The only he who had ever been able to affect Lily so; James Potter. And at the moment, Tara wanted to murder him for it.

"So stupid..." mumbled Lily miserably. "He was so...sad, though. Told me a--about his dad. I wanted to--to..." her trembling voice trailed off. Then she began again. "I said he should talk to him but...but...then..." A fresh wave of sobs rolled over Lily. "Oh, Tara...why did he laugh at me?" she moaned agonizingly.

Tara listened, her brow knitted, trying to piece together what had happened from Lily's semi-coherent description as she rubbed Lily's back.

What Lily was telling her didn't sound much like James. What was going on?

"He took you to Hogsmeade?" asked Tara.

Lily nodded.

"Where did you go?"

"The--the Hog's Head," stuttered Lily.

Tara's curiosity sharpened. She didn't like the sound of this at all. However, Lily was in no state to provide any more information and nothing good could possibly come out of slouching on the bathroom floor.

"Okay, darling, time to get up," she said, pulling Lily to her feet.

One arm still cradling her friend, she turned the lock of the stall. A girl washing her face at the sink stared at them. Tara threw her a dirty look and steered Lily out of the bathroom and down to their dormitory.

Once inside, she brought Lily straight to her bed before turning to face Summer and Di, who both looked taken aback but extremely concerned.

"Lily had a very rough night," whispered Tara. "From what I could get out of her, something happened between her and James in Hogsmeade." She looked back at Lily. She had folded herself up on the four-poster, her face tucked into her knees. Tara winced slightly. "You two stay with her...I have to go take care of something."

With that, she left the room and raced down the stairs. She jumped the last few steps and stared around, scanning the common room. When she spotted Remus and Peter sitting at a table near the window, she rushed over to them, jaw set and her mind focused.

Tara jabbed a finger in Remus's shoulder. He spun around in his chair.

"Where's James?" she demanded unceremoniously.

He looked faintly surprised. "He's upstairs. I think he's asleep."

But before he had even finished his sentence, Tara was bounding up the staircase leading to the boys' dormitories. When she came to the fifth years' room, she pounded on the door with her fist.

Sirius opened it. "Tara? What are you doing up here?" He looked tired and perplexed.

She pushed him aside and plowed into the room. James was sprawled on one of the four-posters, still fully-clothed and clutching his head.

Wasting no time, Tara crossed the floor to stand menacingly over the bed.

"What the hell is your problem?" she barked at him.

Slowly, he turned to look at her, wide-eyed.

"Well?!" said Tara, her voice growing louder.

James simply stared at her, apparently confused.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" Tara snapped.

She had to restrain herself from slapping him and Sirius seemed to sense this because he quickly moved to stand between Tara and James.

"Tara. You have to understand--" he said carefully, his hands raised in protest.

"I'm talking to him!" she spat. "What the hell are you playing at? Huh?"

"Nothing," said James hoarsely.

"Tell me what you did to Lily last night," commanded Tara coldly.

"She agreed to come along with me to Hogsmeade," explained James, gazing directly around Sirius at Tara. "We went to the Hog's Head and talked...I had a few drinks. She brought me back after and we fell asleep on the couch in the common room. When she woke up, she started screaming at me and left. Nothing happened."

Tara eyed him suspiciously but there was no mistaking the fierce sincerity in his eyes, nor could she ignore the deep sorrow that glared at her so plainly. What had gone on last night?

"What did you tell her to make her go with you?"

James paused, straining to search his memory. "I told her we were going to do something fun to celebrate the holiday."

"And you didn't...do anything to her?" asked Tara darkly.

"No! Nothing like that happened?" croaked James fervently. "What did she tell you?"

"She can hardly tell me anything, she's so upset!" yelled Tara.

James's face recoiled, stricken.

"I swear--if you're lying about what happened and you did do something to her..." she said, her voice lowering dangerously. "I will make sure you never have any part of her life again, not to mention I'll hex you so badly you won't even recognize yourself."

James glared at her. He suddenly seemed very angry.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Tara."

"All I know is Lily doesn't fall apart for no reason and you've got something to do with it."

She marched out of the dormitory, slamming the door behind her.

Abruptly, James bent over the side of the bed and vomited.

"Oh, not again!" groaned Sirius, flinching.