I Loved You More

Chapter #24

Something New

"Go on...Back to your dormitories. It's almost half past nine now and you don't want Filch to catch you, do you?"

Lily waved two third-year Hufflepuffs away down the corridor. She watched the giggling couple scurry away and sagged against the wall. Yawning, she examined the badge on her chest. At this point in term, just before the Easter holiday, the glory of being a prefect had worn off. Patrolling corridors quickly became dull and wearisome, especially when certain wandering students were impertinent enough to bring up Lily's own escapade in the night if she tried to punish them.

Lily stepped away from the wall when she heard approaching footsteps but relaxed against it again lazily when she saw who it was. James was meandering toward her, the glimmering torchlight reflecting off his round glasses.

"Again?" said Lily, giving an exaggerated sigh. "You're supposed to be watching the Transfiguration wing."

James grinned innocently. "I got bored."

"You better hope people don't start realizing that that wing is free to roam," Lily said sternly, but with a small smile. "McGonagall wouldn't be too pleased if they started holding midnight snog parties there."

He moved to stand next to her and slid down against the stone wall to sit on the floor. "Well, they need someplace to release their raging hormones, don't they?"

Lily dropped down next to him, chuckling softly. "I s'pose."

Recently, James had taken to sneaking away from his post when they had duty to visit Lily, who patrolled the Defense Against the Dark Arts wing. However, it didn't honestly bother her. Whenever she saw him coming, her spirits couldn't help but rise in anticipation of what was usually a memorable evening.

Lily heard James heave a sigh a though he had not been breathing properly. She glanced at him with concern. He was gazing up at the star-strewn sky through the window on the opposite wall. "Are you all right?"

For the past few days, Lily had sensed something new in James but she could not place her finger on it. It was so vaguely there that sometimes, she lost it completely and it never showed itself clearly enough for her to be able to work out its meaning.

James slowly turned toward her. The light of the torches lit his face and Lily was struck unexpectedly by how drained he appeared. His eyes were faintly sunken and glassy. It threw her off; James had always seemed so crammed with energy and vivacity that seeing him look so beaten was disconcerting.

But his pale face broke into a grin. "Of course I am, Evans," he said flippantly. He glanced up and down the corridor and seemed to brighten with a sudden idea. "Hey...How about celebrating the Easter holiday? D'you want to do something fun?"

"Like what?"

James leapt to his feet. His eyes were gleaming almost hungrily. "Follow me!"

Lily stood up, bewildered. He started hurriedly down the corridor, Lily trailing closely behind. Leading her down several staircases and passages, he finally came to a halt in from of a large statue of a humpbacked witch.

Lily looked from James to the statue. "Potter--what the--"

He cut her off, "Now, before we go anywhere--"

"--Where are we?"

"D'you promise you'll do this with me?"

"What--" Lily began perplexedly but she stopped short when she looked closely at James's face.

He wore an expression that portrayed a strange combination of qualities. His usual air of daring mischief and desire for adventure was ever present, though it seemed thrown there in a frantic way. In his eyes, there was a dark manic glitter with the slightest hint of plea. Lily got the feeling that there was something desperately important about what James was asking, concealed and ignored underneath his bold front.

She agreed without another moment of hesitance. "All right, I promise," she said, without the faintest idea of what she was swearing to do.

"That's it," said James delightedly. "Follow me then, okay? Just trust me."

Lily nodded. "I'm ready. Lead the way, Potter."

He instantly pulled out his wand and tapped the statue. "Dissendium."

The hump of the witch opened, revealing an entrance to a shadowy narrow chute. James scrambled into it and slid inside. Lily followed suit with great apprehension.

"Lumos," said James and he stuck out a hand to help Lily to her feet. His wand ignited and a long stone passage stretched out before them.

Lily raised her eyebrows inquisitively at him. He simply put his finger to his lips and with a mysterious smile, took her hand.

They walked for what felt like hours along the uneven passage. Lily's feet soon began to ache and she had started to wonder if the tunnel actually led anywhere when they came to a very extensive set of stairs. They climbed higher and higher along the damp steps, James still gripping her hand.

Lily's mind began to bubble with wild notions of where he could possibly be leading her. As they ascended, she grew more and more uneasy. There was something distinctly off about James: Was this really the time to put her trust in him?

Suddenly, he stopped. He raised arm and touched the ceiling and Lily saw that the staircase had led straight to a trapdoor. James, shoving his wand in his robes, gave her a boost up. Lily heaved herself through the square hole and crawled out, James close behind. Getting to her feet, she looked around but there was only darkness.

"James?" she whispered.

"Right here," came his answer from just behind Lily.

She spun around and reached for him blindly.

"Ouch! Watch it, Evans!" hissed James as she whipped him in the face.

"Oh, sorry! It's just I can't see a thing. Hang on--" Lily began to take out her wand but James seized her arm.

"No. They might see."

"Who might see?" Lily asked sharply, willing herself not to panic but a dreadful seed of trepidation was growing through her like a weed. "James, where exactly are we?"

"Never mind. Just be quiet and follow me." He clasped his hand around her wrist and dragged her up a flight of stairs.

Lily bumped clumsily into crates and boxes placed haphazardly on the steps along the way but James seemed to know exactly when to avoid them and moved swiftly and silently. At the landing, he pushed open a door, revealing a rather small, cluttered room. It was not lit, but the light of the street lanterns outside washed through the wide glass windows at the front and illuminated shelves of jars and trays and rows of barrels.

Lily gasped. She recognized this room...

"Are we in Honeydukes?" she breathed, amazed.

"Shh," was her only reply.

James wound through the shelves and toward the door, pulling Lily along behind him. He opened the shop door and a bell clanged melodically. It rang through Lily's eardrums, seemingly much louder than she remembered.

They stepped into the chilly night air. It was very still and few people were out. Lily looked up and down the street warily. She rounded on James but he had already begun down the walk, peeking casually into shop windows with his hands stuffed into his pockets.

"Are you coming?" he asked, without looking back.

Lily stared around again helplessly. She had never dreamed she would ever find herself in this situation. How did she get here, facing the little village of Hogsmeade, when she should be safely fulfilling her prefect duties in the castle?

'What do I do?' she wondered miserably.

She watched James walking for a moment, then gritted her teeth and hurried after him.

"James--this is insane. We're both prefects and we're out-of-bounds after hours," said Lily breathlessly, tilting her head to look up at him. "If we're caught--"

"Evans, relax. You promised to trust me, didn't you?" James reminded her calmly. His eyes remained on the street ahead. "Don't think for once...just go along and enjoy it."

When Lily didn't answer, he glimpsed at her fleetingly from the corner of his eye and said slyly, "And if worse comes to worse, you can say I kidnapped you if that makes you feel better."

Lily's face eased into a smile. They strolled on quietly.

The tiny village was even lovelier at night, Lily suddenly realized. It was calm; all the bustling crowds of shoppers that infested it by day were gone. The welcoming light of the closely-nestled buildings and the flickering streetlights twinkled in the peaceful darkness.

Even as the chill nipped her cheeks and ears, a warm, safe, feeling slipped discreetly into Lily. Her feet moved alongside James's without concern about their direction. She found didn't even mind. It was such freedom not to worry.

James's strides were steady and casual and he appeared very relaxed. But his silence was peculiar and somehow seemed to radiate intensity through his nonchalance.

James turned abruptly toward a grimy door and opened it. Lily stopped and looked up at the sign above that bore the decapitated head of a hog.

"The Hog's Head?" she asked, puzzled and disappointed. She did not want to enter this disgusting old pub. "Why can't we go to the Three Broomsticks?"

James emitted a derisive little snort, still holding the door open. "Think, Evans. Do you want to be reported? Come on."

Going against her better judgment, Lily stepped into the pub. There was something in James's voice that made her somehow disregard her own logic. It was subtly existent, yet had such power.

He ordered their drinks and led her across the dusty, earthy floor to a booth in the corner. Lily sat nervously on the edge of her seat, her eyes darting around the scarcely lit room. Two heavily cloaked wizards were drinking from deep mugs that overflowed with purple steam near the window and an old lone witch was hunched over the bar.

James was slouched against the wall, one hand around the mug on the table, the other resting on the back of the booth, his legs crossed at the ankles. He didn't move or make any sound.

Lily peered at him over her butterbeer, awed and a little frightened. He seemed so unlike James, as though he had lost himself. The boy she knew never stopped thinking, moving, talking...laughing: Verbs had always been the best-fitted adjective to describe James Potter.

It wasn't as though he was simply worn out. Lily could sense his energy, burning there with the same vigor as ever. But the fierce will she had always known to be behind it had vanished.

Suddenly, Lily felt very shy. She was at a loss at what to do as if she was sitting with a total stranger. A terrible, unexpected sadness crept into her like a shadow over the warmth she had felt.

"Evans?" said James without looking at her.

"Yeah?" Lily straightened, waiting alertly.

"You having fun?"

Lily stared at him, rather stunned. She didn't know what she had been expecting but it had not been this.

"Are you?" he persisted gravely.

"Yes," replied Lily automatically.

She knew at once that he could tell it was a lie but he just nodded, the slightest glimmer of amusement in his inattentive eyes.

"No, I'm not," announced Lily abruptly as though she had never claimed otherwise.

James chuckled. It sounded eerie to Lily, void and humorless.

"Can I ask you something else, Evans?" inquired James after a pause.

Lily slowly nodded her head. What now?

"Do you get along with you parents?"

"Huh?" she said blankly.

"Do you get along with your parents?" repeated James.

Lily continued staring at him very closely. "I...suppose. Why?"

James took a swig of his drink and did not answer. "I get along well with my mum. She's really laid back and all. You know, sometimes, you remind me of her a bit."

He lifted his mug and took a long sip, looking across the pub. Lily sat, motionless and waiting.

"What about your dad?" she whispered.

James finally turned to face Lily and looked straight across the table into her eyes.

"We used to get along great," he said shortly.

The bottom of Lily's stomach seemed to open, her mind racing fearfully. 'Used to'? James's father wasn't...dead? She frenetically searched her memory for any previous time when he had mentioned him but she could recall nothing.

"And...and now?"

"Now?" James turned to glance around the pub again, apparently unperturbed. Lily exhaled in relief. "Now all we ever do is yell at each other, it seems. Mum says we're too much alike for her own good." He shook his head grimly. "No. She's wrong. He's just never understood me."

"Why not?"

"Frankly, he thinks I'm an idiot," James explained quietly. "Always going at me for not working hard enough, not getting good enough marks...It's either that or he acts like I can do no wrong. That's even worse. I got prefect, now I'm going to get Head Boy. I've been made captain of the Quidditch team and he expects me to win the Cup. Like it's a done deal already. It was all he talked about when I was home for Christmas."

James took another gulp and gave a bitter snort.

"When he heard we'd been disqualified from the Cup, he was more than a little bit miffed. Last time I heard from him, it was in a Howler about learning to control my temper." He sighed and looked down at the depths of his mug. "Now it'll be a few more years for him to forget about that. If we win the Cup next year, he'll say, 'Nice one, but you could have had it every year if you hadn't gotten your trousers in a knot.'"

James looked over at her with a sardonic grin on his face that chilled Lily. "I reckon you'd get along with him, eh?"

"James--I don't think--" started Lily earnestly. "Your dad loves you. He wants you to be all that you can, that's all."

"That's all?" reiterated James. "What if this is all I can be? Why can't it be good enough for him?"

Without thinking, Lily stood up and moved swiftly around the table to James's booth. "It is good enough. If you just talk to him--tell him what you're telling me--I know he'll understand. Just talk to him, James."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can!" cried Lily softly. She had slid into the booth, looking directly into his face. "Write him a letter! Or the next time you see him--"

"No, Lily, you don't get it. I can't. It's too late," argued James, his voice rising as he shoved her away.

He turned away from her but Lily drew determinedly closer again and took him by the shoulders, twisting him fiercely around.

James was bent over his lap where he clutched his drink in shaking hands. His breathing was shallow. Lily took the nearly-empty mug away from him and replaced it with her hands. His were warm and moist and cradled hers snugly.

"Of course it isn't. It's not too late. It's never too late!" fought Lily intently, craning her neck to try to meet his eyes and giving his hands a soothing squeeze.

He finally looked up at her with eyes wide. Lily could finally identify that alien thing that had occupied them of late; it was fear. It showed itself so blandly now, pouring into her own heart until she was drowning in it.

"No, Lily. It's too late, okay?"

He held her hands in a tight grip for a moment, his unfamiliar eyes filling every corner of her vision. Without warning, he released them and fell back against the booth. There was a broad smirk on his face, mocking her.

"Thanks for the concern, Evans," he laughed scornfully. His tone was drenched with sarcasm. Lily blinked, flabbergasted and deeply hurt. He swept up his mug again and laid a large, hard kiss on her cheek, laughing louder. "You're a real dear."